[In the valley]

Thanks for the reply RP and Pass.  Pass, I get that feeling too, but I don't want to feel disappointment or rejection any more from her.  I've had several reasons to contact her now that the channel has been opened back up but have not since I sent the pictures.  Part of me wants to just let her go completely, forget about the money and just live my life with no more interaction with her.  Now that I've gotten used to life without her, I'm not feeling like I even want her in it at all anymore.  I don't feel a physical attraction like I did before she left.  I simply see her as a liability and emotional drain.  The desire to have my family back together the way we were is the only thing that has me entertain the thought, but I don't see how we could ever really put the pieces back now that everything's been broken. 

[ChrissYAH]

Hi all,
Don't post very often but still try to keep up with everyones story.

"In the valley", your mlc wife is "waking up" is my take on her behaviour. Some of the fog is lifting or what ever you want to call it. Everything is not well in schmoopyland. Her suddenly comming to town, comming to your house/mailbox "incident" etc. I think are signs to this. I base my thoughts only from all of the relationships "experts" you can find online, talking about "how a person behaves after long period of break up/divorce/no contact", "they" never come back full force with total regret and taking acountability for what they did. Everyone says "they" sneek up, tip one toe in the water, only send a "Hi" one the phone, or show up where they know you are etc. 

I'm so happy for you having a new woman in your life but that didn't sit well with your wife. She really thought you were "waiting" for her to come back. It would have been easier for her working her way back, in her mind if you didn't. So her anger/dissapointment is pure jealousy. Give her a little time and she will reach out again, fishing for how serious your R is with this woman. On the other hand, also based on everything I've read about narcissistic behavior is that "they" only can change if they loose the main supply, that can make them change their narc behaviour.

ChrissYAH, For me it's around 4,5 years since I saw or talked directly to XH. My xh is still pathologly lying about everything to everyone I hear from, doesn't look well. He has never reached out to me in person but my take is that he is baiting me to reach out to him, things written in mails to the lawyers and "strange" behaviour (requests, things said) towards me from youngest son 29 who has little contact with the mlc'r, the other son 30 has only seen his father once last summer 1 hr in the last 5 years and all his father did was lying, didn't remember, that did not happen, I've never said that etc. one hour of BS. No accountability what so ever. Someone else said they observe their xh as a research project, that is what I'm doing also. I'm totally NC (due to the domestic violence I suffer) and I will remain that until xh gets help/is safe to be around IF that ever happens.

Hugs

Passi I have no intention of ever having any contact with x again way too much damage, omg yes his nephew who's a psychologist said the exact same thing about him 'he's like an experiment like observing a wild animal in a cage'

[Passiflora]

Hi,
Yes Chriss, my intention also. Someone who has done all what some of us has been through is not a safe person to have around but I'm still having trubble to get that into my head; HOW on earth can you justify all that you done to another person and look at yourself in the mirror every day? I would be in a mess, so sorry (heartbreaking sorry) I talked to a former addict (a real bad*ss former gangmember) and even he said now when he is "clean" from drugs etc. that he thought about all the bad things he had done every single day. Had tried to made amends to the people he had hurt (and he had done stuff you can't even wrap your head around)

Yes Valley,
This
 Now that I've gotten used to life without her, I'm not feeling like I even want her in it at all anymore.

and this
 The desire to have my family back together the way we were is the only thing that has me entertain the thought, but I don't see how we could ever really put the pieces back now that everything's been broken.

But having the "family" together, for me, can not come from the price of my "life". In this (crazy years) I have found my "value" as a human as a woman as a mother. I would cut these people off that would do this to other people, so why should I give XH/mlc'r a "free pass", maybe I'm too judgemental I don't know? Someone who steal/manipulate/lie/abuse etc. this is not people I want to have in my life. But it's not my job to fix another human.

Hugs

[ChrissYAH]

Hi,
Yes Chriss, my intention also. Someone who has done all what some of us has been through is not a safe person to have around but I'm still having trubble to get that into my head; HOW on earth can you justify all that you done to another person and look at yourself in the mirror every day? I would be in a mess, so sorry (heartbreaking sorry) I talked to a former addict (a real bad*ss former gangmember) and even he said now when he is "clean" from drugs etc. that he thought about all the bad things he had done every single day. Had tried to made amends to the people he had hurt (and he had done stuff you can't even wrap your head around)

Passi yes totally agree you would either have to be evil or insane (which they are) my children and I nearly lost our home if it wasn't for my brother we would've been out in the st LITERALLY, my daughter told him this, his response I DON'T CARE.  Meanwhile he went ahead married the ow and had a wedding in a very exclusive area beachside!!! there is nothing he could ever do to 'make up' for the pain and suffering he's caused I wish him the best, as for me I don't think I could ever have anything to do with him again.

[Tyks]

Hi all. Posting here rather than my thread.

Yesterday was the first time I saw my vanisher in over a year. Another family milestone where ow reaps the benefit rather than me. My d 16 got a bursary to go to an enrichment program near Quebec city for a whole month staying at a university. !! She is so amazing. Anyway xh is driving her there and of course ow is going rather than me. I know I sound like a whiner but seriously what the heck were all those years for if you can't reap the benefits as a family? We were packing his car yesterday and he says "man, we were hoping to take sl@t's car but I'm not sure we will have enough room". Really? Was it a dig or a slip of the tongue?

Anyway, boyfriend was here and they shook hands blah blah. Xh looks exactly the same, albeit a little heavier.

Why am I posting this ? I have no idea. I need to get it out I guess.  Three years later and I am still shaking me head.  Do we ever get over the devistation?

[Mrs.Smiling]

I haven't seen ExH since a week before my birthday. Last time i heard from him was the night before my birthday when he "needed a place to stay". (early May)
Since then he has no contact with me. S heard from him only after S wished him a Happy Your a dad day.
ExH has a lot of anger still as I have witnessed through the proceedings after the divorce (the petitions he has been filing playing a victim, no doubt help from evil OW gramma).
I do wish for my family to be together. But will never accept the behavior or treatment from another human being in the nature that we have been dealing with over the years. I will always Love exh from a far and hope that some day he has the strength to escape the vice that holds him captive mentally and physically.
Maybe some day he will come around in his human form and not his alien form.
It's tough at times still, but the strength overpowers the weakness. I'm not sure what exH would do if he knew i was dating someone. (when that happens)

[stillbaffled]

Tyks - I hear you on that still shaking your head part about this stuff!  Yeah, life goes on and we continue forward but this bit of craziness seems to have its moments of raising the ugliness back up again.  I think part of it happens for those of us that have to continue some kind of connection with the MLCer.  In your case, your children are the connection. 

What a great accomplishment for your D!  You must be so proud of her.  I hope she has an amazing time.  I loved Quebec City.  Sorry that you weren't the one that gets to take her there.  I sure do get, though, why you had to vent here about it.  I get it, girl! 

For me, it's the connection that HIS family insists on keeping with me.  Yesterday was his stepgrandmother's 90th birthday party.  She's been in his life since he was 12 years old.  She is a wonderful lady and I see her often.  I knew I couldn't miss her celebration and I was pretty sure that MLCer and OWifey wouldn't be there.  I was at the party from start to finish as I had to play piano for a part in the program as well as helping with some of the party setup/cleanup.  They never darkened the doorway. 

I will forever be baffled as to what happens to these people in this crisis.   I also don't think all them come "out" of their crisis.  I think some just spend the rest of their lives right where they're at.   

[Tyks]

Thank you, Mrs S. And SB for your kind replies. I guess I posted here BC with vanishers we don't get much info and it is nice to hear other lbs of vanishers perspectives

I don't think we get to hear much about the ows with vanishers either. I have spent the last three years making things up about my xh and his ow about the happy family scenerio. See, my kids don't talk about it much BC they know it hurts me. Their way of protecting me, I thought.

My d20 told me today in confidence (please please don't tell anyone) lol. They actually do not like ow. They TOLERATE her in order to have a peaceful relationship with their dad!! Who knew? All the stories that I have conjured up in my head are just that. Stories ! My d20 said that ow has a self righteous attitude lol. Awesome!

She also told me about Christmas. Apparently in ow's culture they open gifts on Christmas Eve and my d16 piped up oh well, that's not right. What about Christmas morning and how special that is and you should open your gifts then. Ow told d16 that it is not about the gifts. It is about the special time with your family!!!! Apparently this appalled my d16 and later she told d20 how dare ow say that to us when ow broke up their special family time !!! Wow.

D20 said she doesn't understand how ow can even live with herself or be proud of what her and xh did and that if ow hadn't pursued xh so much then maybe dad's MLC would've ended by now.  Rotflmao.

Just goes to show you that much of what we think goes on really doesn't

We are the prize. Never forget it BC now I believe that it is absolutely true!.

[ChrissYAH]

Well my x tells my daughter his 'wife' is 'fat and ugly' hahaa  if thats not telling I don't know what is.

[nah]

Tykes,... I’m so happy for you!!

When I read your June 30th post, all I could think is that no way that trip was what it seemed. I mean, when we were a strong family and we went on road trips, we often got on each other nerves. I can’t imagine spending significant time in a car with my father and his home-wrecking affair partner. But I understood how you felt.
I remembered exes 50th Birthday was just a few months after BD and both my kids were going to his party thrown by his affair partner. Ugh! How could they celebrate knowing my level of pain?  How could I be so easily erased?
It took years before I knew the truth. I am there, my ghost is always there. There is constant fighting, awkwardness, the kids show up but make excuses to get out of there, The Leaver went back to drinking after 20+ years sober, friends/family/ acquaintances, have not forgotten what they did. Some say something, some do not, but they are NOT getting away with anything. They are living in the Hell they created every single day.

I’m so glad your daughter whispered some truth into your ear. It’s a beautiful gift to know for sure that things are not what we conjured up in our heads.