Author Topic: My Story A pink fridge moment.  (Read 2871 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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My Story A pink fridge moment.
« on: February 17, 2019, 11:59:07 AM »
I cannot take credit for the name of my thread. It is one of those clever phrases Treasur came up with. The pink fridge is the fridge I bought when I moved into my new house in November. The fridge was going to be in view. I picked the pink one because I like pink and because I get to decide now. It stands for my recent decision for independence from wanting my H. I call it  'leaving' my H, which makes me feel like I have some control in this MLC disaster. It is me now choosing to let him go.

 I'm tired of feeling the heavy weight of sorrow that this MLC has placed upon me since BD. I am now blocking thoughts of my H through a technique where I place a large red STOP button on the image of his head and I smash it. It's been working great to help me detach.

I said in my previous thread, at first I needed that hope that my H would return. I'm now approaching 5 years since BD and my H is not only a vanisher, but he is still a monster, never sees S14, doesn't talk to D21 and is suing her along with his OW.

After Christmas which I found particularly hard this year, although I had expected it to be really great, I couldn't take the continuous sadness I felt over having been abandoned by my H. I was becoming obsessed with thoughts of him, trying to decipher his every move and word, and I was becoming desperate because as the years go on and he remains with the original alienator, I feel that he is never coming back and it's time for me to face this fact. That hope that was so essential at the beginning is now keeping me stuck in pain.

There have been some recent nasty events at the end of my last thread. Basically my H used my D24's credit card and run up €750 on it but does not have the money to repay it. He contacted me (hasn't done so in a couple of years not even regarding our S) to ask me to pay the card off and not let D24 know about it. I said I wouldn't because i couldn't trust him to pay me back, but I was really sorry he was in this state. His answer: firetruck you. He then proceeded to tell D24 about the credit card and she came to me for the money. But she doesn't want to hear anything from me against her dad and how mad I am about this. She accused me of putting her in the middle of him and I.

Anyway, to answer Treasur from the last thread. You're absolutely right about everything you said about my D24. I'm not at all sorry that I said what I said. The problem had nothing to do with me. They brought me into it, to resolve it for both of them. I sent her the money this afternoon and told her that I wanted to know when she would be paying it back. She hasn't read my message yet.

My D also knows that I'm annoyed at H's offensive remark whilst having the guts to ask for my help. I told her he should apologize to me and say thank you. She was annoyed at this too, telling me it was not her place to tell him to thank me. Well I think it is, although I didn't say it. I think she gets it. She will have been very upset last night both with the debt and the argument she had with me because of it. I hope when she digests it, she realizes who caused this problem for us all.

Thunder, no it's not possible to pay just a part of the monthly payment on this kind of credit card.

To finish on a light note. Today I had a pleasant day. This morning S14 played a tennis match and lost. It was expected since he's been ill and hadn't trained. The opponent was a man so the match was very good training any way. But it was a beautiful day, felt like spring. I sat with a cappuccino outside at the tennis school, lots of little daisies appearing in the grass.

Then came home and started cleaning up my garden. There's not much to see because I did the boring hard stuff. I swept the leaves and cleaned up boxes and junk still sitting outside. I planted two bay leaf plants that I'd bought two months ago to fill gaps in the hedge where the bay leaf had died of frost last winter. I pruned the roses (not mine, were already there), and cleaned out the pots from last summer's dead flowers. All ready for new ones now. I thought this would take no time at all but it took all afternoon.

D21 sent me some photos. She spent a glorious sunny day in Brighton where she's studying. She ran on the beach with her boyfriend, a high school friend from here who happens to be studying in the UK, too.

She sent me her Personal statement for me to check her English. She's applying for a master's program. She's a very clever girl but not good with language. I tweaked it but what she wrote was very impressive. I'm so proud of her.

I'm now sitting with some nice chilled white wine from the pink fridge. My face is burning from the sun. I'm knackered as my mother used to say. S had to make his own dinner. I think I'm going to have a good sleep tonight.

Thank you all for your support.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10635.msg710761

Fixed the "Previous Thread" link - UM

« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 05:14:07 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 12:00:55 PM »
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 12:01:17 PM »
Trust, forgot to thank you for your support, too!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2019, 12:04:27 PM »
Welcome to your new thread.

American Express is one credit card I know of that has to be paid in full each month. No minimum payments.

I have a word of caution Milly and for your daughter. She may wish to cancel that card that her father had in his possession.

I know of a situation where the father ( they are not as stupid as they seem) was able to use his son's name and identification to obtain a credit card....eventually running up $30,000.00 of debt in his son's name. The son was about 22 at the time...the son was responsible for paying off the debt. He's probably still paying it.

Do not underestimate these people.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online handpuppets

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2019, 12:19:39 PM »
Attaching, Milly.

Glad that you had a good day despite the latest H drama. Continue to be good to yourself.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline in it

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2019, 12:38:43 PM »

 Welcome to your new thread Milly
I've got Amex Blue and that one can carry a balance.

The exs nieces mother did that to her.. Opened cards in her daughters name.I don't know what she ran the balance up to.  I was flabbergasted when she told me.

What parent does that to a child?

I agree with xyzcf. She just has to make a phone call and report it lost. She needs to do it soon. They will send her a replacement. You really do not know what they are capable of or what kind of reasoning will be behind it for them to feel it would be ok to do that. They become very entitled. If they weren't already.

Better safe than sorry.

If she won't do that then the next time she asks you to bail him out you might want to tell her no..what a horrible position he put you in!

« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 05:17:59 AM by UrsaMajor »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2019, 12:58:26 PM »
Following along Milly. I love the pink fridge image.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline strawberry

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2019, 02:02:29 PM »
Hi Milly.  I don't think I've ever commented on one of your threads, but in true lurker fashion, I've followed along for a while and then lost track for a while when I took a break from the site.  I've read the last week of comments and I want to add a few things from my perspective as the child of divorced parents (MLC, maybe, but if so my dad never came out of it).  I think it's going to come off a bit blunt but please know it's intended with compassion and aimed at helping you with future dealings.

Your relationship with your H is not your daughters business.  Your H's relationship with D is not your business. 

Here is what I mean by that.  In a perfect world where time travel existed, I'd say go back to the first email your H sent requesting the money.  Push that big red button now and either don't respond or respond with the bare minimum of facts and no emotions.  "I'm sorry, but I do not have the funds either"  Nothing more.  No excuses.  No accusations  No reminders of how he already owes you for your Son's Christmas present.  H is an adult and needs to make his own solutions.  If he responds to that with further pleas, remind yourself that you have already answered the question and have nothing more to say on the matter.  I used to read about the rule of 3's a lot on this site but haven't seen it in a while.  Asking yourself if you have any response that adds value to the situation and nothing more should determine if you respond.  Take some time to cool down before you respond.  It doesn't need to be 3 days, but it needs to be long enough for you to craft an emotionless fact based response.

H and D needed to have worked this out themselves.  If that meant he found another way or came clean with D but you never heard another word, then it wasn't something to concern yourself with.

Assuming he comes clean to D (as it appears he did) and she comes to you for help, you can then choose to help or not help, BUT, and this is a big BUT, you need to keep it about you and her only. FWIW, I think it's fine that you helped her as long as she was the one asking.  I don't believe it was a good idea for you to drag her into your issues with H, and her response backs that up.  The facts you gave her might be true, but what good does telling her do?  If she is to discover who he really is, it will have to be her first hand discovery, unfortunately.  Giving her your views just seems like a biased airing of grievances.

My mother had every reason in the world to be bitter.  In fact I'm sure she came to hate my father, but she never said a bad word about him in our presence.  She encouraged us to have the relationship with him that we wanted, but did not try to facilitate it or prevent it.  I am grateful for this.  This allowed me and my siblings to see our father for what and who he was and not a reflection of who he was to her.

My father was not as gracious and I can tell you that because of this, I have had little to no contact with him for more than 20 year, and my 3 younger siblings have very low contact with him.  They all have children though and feel their kids deserve a grandparent if possible.  They tend to view him with some distain though.  Not an ideal relationship.

At this point, two of your children are adults and your son is getting close.  You can hope and wish for them to have the best relationship with you and your H as well, but in reality the only relationship you are responsible for is yours with each of them.  The best thing you can do for them and their father is simply not to interfere with their individual relationships, for good or for bad.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline Acorn

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2019, 03:08:06 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly.
Joining your pink fridge brigade!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2019, 03:54:23 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly. Love the tittle.

Nice to know you're feeling better.

Xyzcf brings up an important issue.

I understand Strawberry's point of view, but I am don't think we always have to bottle up and not to tell adult children how we feel or how things are.

Hope D24 pays you back and that there are no more incidents with dad using her card.

Agree you're only responsible for your relationship with your kids.

Husband may be reaching his rock bottom, or he may not. Time will tell.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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