Author Topic: My Story A pink fridge moment.  (Read 2873 times)

Online MillyTopic starter

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My Story A pink fridge moment.
« on: February 17, 2019, 11:59:07 AM »
I cannot take credit for the name of my thread. It is one of those clever phrases Treasur came up with. The pink fridge is the fridge I bought when I moved into my new house in November. The fridge was going to be in view. I picked the pink one because I like pink and because I get to decide now. It stands for my recent decision for independence from wanting my H. I call it  'leaving' my H, which makes me feel like I have some control in this MLC disaster. It is me now choosing to let him go.

 I'm tired of feeling the heavy weight of sorrow that this MLC has placed upon me since BD. I am now blocking thoughts of my H through a technique where I place a large red STOP button on the image of his head and I smash it. It's been working great to help me detach.

I said in my previous thread, at first I needed that hope that my H would return. I'm now approaching 5 years since BD and my H is not only a vanisher, but he is still a monster, never sees S14, doesn't talk to D21 and is suing her along with his OW.

After Christmas which I found particularly hard this year, although I had expected it to be really great, I couldn't take the continuous sadness I felt over having been abandoned by my H. I was becoming obsessed with thoughts of him, trying to decipher his every move and word, and I was becoming desperate because as the years go on and he remains with the original alienator, I feel that he is never coming back and it's time for me to face this fact. That hope that was so essential at the beginning is now keeping me stuck in pain.

There have been some recent nasty events at the end of my last thread. Basically my H used my D24's credit card and run up €750 on it but does not have the money to repay it. He contacted me (hasn't done so in a couple of years not even regarding our S) to ask me to pay the card off and not let D24 know about it. I said I wouldn't because i couldn't trust him to pay me back, but I was really sorry he was in this state. His answer: firetruck you. He then proceeded to tell D24 about the credit card and she came to me for the money. But she doesn't want to hear anything from me against her dad and how mad I am about this. She accused me of putting her in the middle of him and I.

Anyway, to answer Treasur from the last thread. You're absolutely right about everything you said about my D24. I'm not at all sorry that I said what I said. The problem had nothing to do with me. They brought me into it, to resolve it for both of them. I sent her the money this afternoon and told her that I wanted to know when she would be paying it back. She hasn't read my message yet.

My D also knows that I'm annoyed at H's offensive remark whilst having the guts to ask for my help. I told her he should apologize to me and say thank you. She was annoyed at this too, telling me it was not her place to tell him to thank me. Well I think it is, although I didn't say it. I think she gets it. She will have been very upset last night both with the debt and the argument she had with me because of it. I hope when she digests it, she realizes who caused this problem for us all.

Thunder, no it's not possible to pay just a part of the monthly payment on this kind of credit card.

To finish on a light note. Today I had a pleasant day. This morning S14 played a tennis match and lost. It was expected since he's been ill and hadn't trained. The opponent was a man so the match was very good training any way. But it was a beautiful day, felt like spring. I sat with a cappuccino outside at the tennis school, lots of little daisies appearing in the grass.

Then came home and started cleaning up my garden. There's not much to see because I did the boring hard stuff. I swept the leaves and cleaned up boxes and junk still sitting outside. I planted two bay leaf plants that I'd bought two months ago to fill gaps in the hedge where the bay leaf had died of frost last winter. I pruned the roses (not mine, were already there), and cleaned out the pots from last summer's dead flowers. All ready for new ones now. I thought this would take no time at all but it took all afternoon.

D21 sent me some photos. She spent a glorious sunny day in Brighton where she's studying. She ran on the beach with her boyfriend, a high school friend from here who happens to be studying in the UK, too.

She sent me her Personal statement for me to check her English. She's applying for a master's program. She's a very clever girl but not good with language. I tweaked it but what she wrote was very impressive. I'm so proud of her.

I'm now sitting with some nice chilled white wine from the pink fridge. My face is burning from the sun. I'm knackered as my mother used to say. S had to make his own dinner. I think I'm going to have a good sleep tonight.

Thank you all for your support.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10635.msg710761

Fixed the "Previous Thread" link - UM

« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 05:14:07 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 12:00:55 PM »
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 12:01:17 PM »
Trust, forgot to thank you for your support, too!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2019, 12:04:27 PM »
Welcome to your new thread.

American Express is one credit card I know of that has to be paid in full each month. No minimum payments.

I have a word of caution Milly and for your daughter. She may wish to cancel that card that her father had in his possession.

I know of a situation where the father ( they are not as stupid as they seem) was able to use his son's name and identification to obtain a credit card....eventually running up $30,000.00 of debt in his son's name. The son was about 22 at the time...the son was responsible for paying off the debt. He's probably still paying it.

Do not underestimate these people.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline handpuppets

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2019, 12:19:39 PM »
Attaching, Milly.

Glad that you had a good day despite the latest H drama. Continue to be good to yourself.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline in it

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2019, 12:38:43 PM »

 Welcome to your new thread Milly
I've got Amex Blue and that one can carry a balance.

The exs nieces mother did that to her.. Opened cards in her daughters name.I don't know what she ran the balance up to.  I was flabbergasted when she told me.

What parent does that to a child?

I agree with xyzcf. She just has to make a phone call and report it lost. She needs to do it soon. They will send her a replacement. You really do not know what they are capable of or what kind of reasoning will be behind it for them to feel it would be ok to do that. They become very entitled. If they weren't already.

Better safe than sorry.

If she won't do that then the next time she asks you to bail him out you might want to tell her no..what a horrible position he put you in!

« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 05:17:59 AM by UrsaMajor »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2019, 12:58:26 PM »
Following along Milly. I love the pink fridge image.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline strawberry

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2019, 02:02:29 PM »
Hi Milly.  I don't think I've ever commented on one of your threads, but in true lurker fashion, I've followed along for a while and then lost track for a while when I took a break from the site.  I've read the last week of comments and I want to add a few things from my perspective as the child of divorced parents (MLC, maybe, but if so my dad never came out of it).  I think it's going to come off a bit blunt but please know it's intended with compassion and aimed at helping you with future dealings.

Your relationship with your H is not your daughters business.  Your H's relationship with D is not your business. 

Here is what I mean by that.  In a perfect world where time travel existed, I'd say go back to the first email your H sent requesting the money.  Push that big red button now and either don't respond or respond with the bare minimum of facts and no emotions.  "I'm sorry, but I do not have the funds either"  Nothing more.  No excuses.  No accusations  No reminders of how he already owes you for your Son's Christmas present.  H is an adult and needs to make his own solutions.  If he responds to that with further pleas, remind yourself that you have already answered the question and have nothing more to say on the matter.  I used to read about the rule of 3's a lot on this site but haven't seen it in a while.  Asking yourself if you have any response that adds value to the situation and nothing more should determine if you respond.  Take some time to cool down before you respond.  It doesn't need to be 3 days, but it needs to be long enough for you to craft an emotionless fact based response.

H and D needed to have worked this out themselves.  If that meant he found another way or came clean with D but you never heard another word, then it wasn't something to concern yourself with.

Assuming he comes clean to D (as it appears he did) and she comes to you for help, you can then choose to help or not help, BUT, and this is a big BUT, you need to keep it about you and her only. FWIW, I think it's fine that you helped her as long as she was the one asking.  I don't believe it was a good idea for you to drag her into your issues with H, and her response backs that up.  The facts you gave her might be true, but what good does telling her do?  If she is to discover who he really is, it will have to be her first hand discovery, unfortunately.  Giving her your views just seems like a biased airing of grievances.

My mother had every reason in the world to be bitter.  In fact I'm sure she came to hate my father, but she never said a bad word about him in our presence.  She encouraged us to have the relationship with him that we wanted, but did not try to facilitate it or prevent it.  I am grateful for this.  This allowed me and my siblings to see our father for what and who he was and not a reflection of who he was to her.

My father was not as gracious and I can tell you that because of this, I have had little to no contact with him for more than 20 year, and my 3 younger siblings have very low contact with him.  They all have children though and feel their kids deserve a grandparent if possible.  They tend to view him with some distain though.  Not an ideal relationship.

At this point, two of your children are adults and your son is getting close.  You can hope and wish for them to have the best relationship with you and your H as well, but in reality the only relationship you are responsible for is yours with each of them.  The best thing you can do for them and their father is simply not to interfere with their individual relationships, for good or for bad.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline Acorn

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2019, 03:08:06 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly.
Joining your pink fridge brigade!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2019, 03:54:23 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Milly. Love the tittle.

Nice to know you're feeling better.

Xyzcf brings up an important issue.

I understand Strawberry's point of view, but I am don't think we always have to bottle up and not to tell adult children how we feel or how things are.

Hope D24 pays you back and that there are no more incidents with dad using her card.

Agree you're only responsible for your relationship with your kids.

Husband may be reaching his rock bottom, or he may not. Time will tell.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2019, 05:08:17 PM »

I'm now sitting with some nice chilled white wine from the pink fridge. My face is burning from the sun. I'm knackered as my mother used to say. S had to make his own dinner. I think I'm going to have a good sleep tonight.

Previous thread: https:
//mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10635.new#new


You deserve to savor these sweet moments, Milly.   Hope you rest well.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2019, 06:52:16 PM »
Joining the pink fridge clan!
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2019, 07:52:38 PM »
I love the title of your new thread.

I do hope that this is the end of the financial issues between your H and D but I do fear that your D is young and does not yet understand that desperate people do desperate things. And I do believe your H is desperate right now. She may come to deeply regret getting involved with H and his finances one day. But sadly that will be her lesson to learn and you would be best to step back from it and let it unfold.

You have come to the rescue once. But I would not do it again as these two may try to come back to the Milly well again. Also, I would consider it, in your heart a gift to your D, and not let this loan taint your relationship going forward. She has been duped by someone she trusted. Don’t make her feel worse about it and don’t let money ruin your mother/daughter relationship.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2019, 11:46:00 PM »
Coming along milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2019, 01:15:31 AM »
I always think a lot about the "never say a bad word about them" topic; I think there is a difference between bashing them (calling them names, saying they are horrible, etc.) and telling the truth as simply as possible.  So I DID tell my children (grown) some things, because covering up for him doesn't do them any favours. 

I always say that in the context of explaining some of my own decisions rather than an empirical "he is bad"; I never say that he is bad, however I do say that I am unhappy about such and such behaviour. 

I don't think that stops the children from having a relationship with their father, I of course agree that that is theirs to have or have not with him.  And I've never said that I'm unhappy about the fact that they see him when he's done a, b or c, nothing even near that.  All it does is let them know how I feel, which is a good life lesson.  They don't have to agree with me, we can even talk about that.  All of which I think is good for them now and for their own relationships in the future. 

So in my opinion Milly explaining to her daughter why she is unhappy about paying that debt is completely reasonable.  And I love treasur's  words about how, if her D doesn't want to be "in the middle" between the parents, then Milly could respect that by not getting involved in paying the debt. 

It doesn't bash Milly's H, it simply states the facts.  And Milly is allowed to be unhappy about having been deceived, manipulated and anything else, and I do believe it is OK for our children to know what upsets us. 

And just adding one thing:

For the avoidance of doubt, I have always been one of those LBS who has helped her MLCer if he's asked, I've offered when he hasn't asked, So I'm not a kick-em-to-the-kerb person, I have had to learn to set my boundaries appropriately, though, which really is better for everyone, for me, for our children as well as for the MLCer. 
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 01:42:17 AM by Trustandlove »

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2019, 05:33:26 AM »
Now that I have done a few edits to fix links so people can get here from there....

Typical European (or at least German) credit cards are not true credit cards like you know them in the US. The balance is paid in full every month by withdrawing it from the bank account to which the card is linked. That is why I still maintain a US card as well if I really need to spread payments out over time.

If I understand it correctly, the discussion between you (Milly) and D24 has been done, you have transferred the money so that it done as well. D24 said that she will not lend him the card again. That is good. If she does, SHE gets to deal with the consequences.

I don't see any good reason for the statement other than snooping. If the money has been transferred to D24's account and the balance is withdrawn from there (again, this is how German banks work so I am guessing it is the same in Italy) there is no need for data from the statement. 

Asking D24 how she intends to repay you is allowing her to take responsibility for herself and her actions. Whether or not her father pays her back is irrelevant. This is between you (Milly) and her now. She doesn't want to be put between you two? That is fine. You loaned her the money to pay her credit card bill. She is therefore responsible. How the bill was run up and who ran it up is no longer relevant. that allows you to respect D24's wishes of not being in the middle AND  places the responsibility where it belongs... I'd be sorely tempted to ensure that D24 knows that this is a one-time good deal though.... The "Bank of Milly" is officially closed for further withdrawals.

As for the rest, H chose to put you in the middle by manipulating D24 to ask you. D24 put you in the middle by asking you to pay for H's bill..... ANY further such requests should be met with a short, firm and simple denial - "This is between you and your father. I am staying out of it."
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2019, 05:52:38 AM »
Following along

Offline Thunder

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2019, 06:00:04 AM »
Well dang it UM, never thought of that but I think he's right, Milly.
What possible difference would it make to see how he spent that money?  It is snooping I guess, and I would probably want to do it too, but nothing on there would probably surprise you.  Just affirm what you suspect.

I also agree with Trust, I don't feel what you told your adult D was bad at all.  It wasn't bashing him it was letting her know why this upset you so.  She's still going to love her dad but it may help to make her a little more cautious next time.
If she was a young teen, no I wouldn't have thought it was a good idea, but she's an adult.

Glad you had such a lovely day.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2019, 09:07:58 AM »
I agree with UM 100 percent and thank him for taking the time to educate us on credit cards in Europe.  It was helpful and interesting information.

As for D, she put herself in the middle when she contacted you for help with the problem.  If she doesn't want to know your feelings on the subject, she should not have reached out. You told her YOUR feelings. You did not tell her how SHE should feel or what HER relationship should or should not be with her father.  Honestly, I don't think it is fair to call your Mom and ask for a large amount of money and not expect to get an earful of how she feels.  D should know exactly how her actions are affecting other people. 

Sometimes the truth hurts. But it is better than the lie of "no trouble sweetie" IMO.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline strawberry

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2019, 09:30:08 AM »
There is definitely a difference between adult children and minors.  There can also be differences between adult children depending on history.  Telling them the facts and how you feel in a calm rational manner is completely different than an angry email listing all the ways the other parent has made you angry.  Unloading your feelings on a child (even an adult one) that is not going to be receptive or sympathetic is not going to accomplish anything productive.  She knows her parents aren’t getting along.  Was it productive to tell her all of it? 

This feels more like trying to persuade the child of how bad the other parent is behaving.  It is possible to tell someone how you feel about a situation without needing them to feel the same way. 

I am very guilty of this.  In my past, I’ve often been unsatisfied with compromise and spent energy trying to convince the other person (often H) how they should also agree with me completely.  It backfires every time.  Even if I’m 100% correct.  It doesn’t make the other person feel good about me or the situation when I keep arguing my point of view. 
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2019, 02:24:51 PM »
I'm reading along and thank you for your support. I'm not ready to answer yet.

I'm just writing because I loved UM's latest post on his New Moon Alert thread IV.

Tomorrow night, there's going to be a Super Moon. The energy it's going to give off is going to reach everyone. It's positive and encouraging energy. I'm going to stand outside and let it radiate me!

Thought it was worth making an alert about. Whether it means anything or not, it's a bit of hope. Go read!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online CanLetGo

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #21 on: February 19, 2019, 04:37:31 AM »
Following Milly, sorry for the money trouble, in happier moments your time in the garden sounded lovely, take care x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #22 on: February 19, 2019, 06:44:27 AM »
I'm here friend Milly.  One day I'm crossing the pond to see this pink frig in person. 

I have to war against feeling bitter.  I'm the one that stood and held  back the attack while good old long suffering dad got to run and play.  It gets really old.  And I'm so ANGRY!!!!!

Following along. 
« Last Edit: February 19, 2019, 06:49:45 AM by Yellowroseoftexas »
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #23 on: February 19, 2019, 01:19:02 PM »
I am going to have to read about this Moon because I am getting nothing but a boat load of crazy here at work today.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #24 on: February 19, 2019, 01:58:16 PM »
I absolutely love your new thread title. It is just perfect!

H is really in trouble isn't he? Hard to play knight and shining armor to D when he is basically taking money from her. Yikes! That cannot be good for the ego.  And I know these MLCers are damaged people, but I would think asking YOU for money has just got to be the worst thing H  can do. What a massive blow to his extremely fragile, 12 year old ego.

Also, I wouldn't look at the statement Milly. You cannot un-see it. And nothing good will come of it. Just monkey braining and heartache. Instead, grab a glass of prosecco and come up with a payment plan between you and D.  Leave H out of it completely. If that is how SHE gets the money to re-pay you, so be it.  My 2 cents anyway.

Doing great Milly!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2019, 02:02:56 AM »
Thank you so much to the many of you who do not think what I said to my D was bad. I tell you, it's not been a good week for me due to this stuff.

UM described the cards we have in Italy.

Strawberry, I'm sorry you had to grow up in a broken home like the one most of us have now. I agree that it's not good to bash a parent in order to put that parent against the child. However, I am the parent of 3 kids and I do not believe in creating a fake world for them. Children have a tendency to believe they should be the most important thing in their parent's lives. This is true to a certain extent, but not to the annihilation of that parent. We parents have lives, feelings, and I don't believe the child benefits from the hurting parents shutting up and pretending all is good when it's not. I believe kids can learn from seeing a hurting parent who can recreate herself. Better than a parent who is dying inside but is pretending all is ok for the kids. I think that sets the kids up to a potential future where they repeat the act of the 'bad' parent because they have the belief that it was not that hard on the good parent. I may be wrong, but this is how I see it.

So, I have had some very difficult, sad days because of this $h!te that my H dumped me in, managing to also place my D against me again. It hurts, and it's sooo UNFAIR!!! Do I sound like a toddler? Maybe. But sometimes I have basic pain just like a toddler.

So my D is now ignoring me. I sent her a message on Sunday when I deposited the money in her account, no thanks has come so far. I went into the bank on Monday and spoke to them, they said they'd call the credit card company to tell them funds were on their way but that they couldn't assure that the card wouldn't be removed from my D since this late payment had happened before?

I told them that D wants to close down this account (this is what she's told me in her messages) and how does she go about it since she lives abroad. They dictated the letter she needs to write which she needs to attach to a photocopy of the card cut up. Then once the bank finds out if there are any further charges coming in the future, they will close the account.

I wrote to D with all this information. I didn't hear back for several days. No thank you. Eventually I just got a brief message that her dad had already talked to the bank. So now, I'm actually mad at D. How can this be? I am put into this mess by H, forced to pay for H's shenanegans by D, was mad at H doing this to me and said so, and now I'm a bad mother. To remind you, my D did not speak to me for 2 years after BD. She sided with her dad, and told me she didn't want to hear anything about it from me.

I saw my IC and spoke to her about this. She says what the majority of you all say. She says it is unacceptable that my D24 is treating me in this manner. D placed me in the middle of this in order to resolve her problem.

My IC explained the difference between how I tell D about what her dad has done and how H talks to D about her mother. I say how I feel and what H has done. H plays the victim. He just says how bad he has it because of Mummy. So D then feels sorry for him. Very crafty.

IC says that knowing that I am scared that she'll cut me off, D gets away with treating me this way. My IC actually wants me to cut my D off now and show her how that feels.  I said I can't because my D will never bow down and say she's wrong. She'll just cut me out. She's shown she's capable of that, and I can't afford for chunks of 2 years to go by without knowing what's going on in my D's life. She could be married in the next two years. She'll be working, might move somewhere else. I can't go through that again. I told my IC that I would rather keep my D24 the way she is than not have her at all.

My D24 is in denial. She thinks that she can push down hurt in her life and that way it's all resolved. It is going to come out eventually as we all know. There's nothing I can do for her. She's too far away for me to risk.

I agree with you all, I do not need to read that statement. I will not be able to unread it. I feel bad enough just imagining what I've been forced to pay for. I don't need to see the names of the things. Thank you so much for telling me that.

My IC thinks my H might have calculated the amount he put on the card that he would then get me to pay for because between the card and the Christmas gift for my S it's exactly the amount he got garnished for because of the trial I won for maintenance in arrears he hasn't paid. To remind you, I took him to court about 18 months ago for not having paid any maintenance since June 2015. I won and was also awarded an extra €6000 for moral damages to be paid within 12 months or he goes to jail. He appealed so that is now delayed. However because I won, I was able to have his wages garnished every month. This started this past September. The amount I get each month is around €900. It seems incredibly precise that S's gift and this card came to €850.

I have not written to H although I am so tempted to tell him that his behaviour is so wrong. How he should have at least thanked me. But I know he'll just monster back justifying why he can do it and make me look like a b*tc#. I can just imagine him laughing his head off at this accomplishment.

So now my D has cut contact with me. What am I supposed to do about this? I don't want to write to her because all she wants from me is an apology, which I don't think I owe. Now I guess I have to wait for her. I don't feel like writing anything to her. I found a really cheap flight to Chicago for her graduation dates, the cheap seats won't be available for long, but I don't feel like contacting her about it because it feels like I'm forcing myself on her now.

On the other hand, I'm not feeling like seeing my D at all now. I feel so betrayed by her, so mistreated, so unappreciated. I'm a human, not just a mother. I'm thinking I could spend the money better on something for me, S, and D21 instead. I am not rolling in it. I worked really hard since BD to get to this safish place I'm in now.

I'm very careful with how money is spent but that includes little fun times for me and the kids. Stuff that H got us to do without those last years in crisis but still at home. He had us living like paupers while he was treating himself to anything he wanted. I just kept working harder to make up for it, sacrificing myself completely. I don't want to live like that anymore. I'm thinking the money it would cost to go to D's graduation would feel like a waste to me now.

So, here it is. If anyone would like to suggest how I handle my D24 now, please do advise.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2019, 02:46:12 AM »
Darling, darling girl...
If you at home right now, I want you to go and look at your beautiful pink fridge and pause to think about all that it says about you. Your fridge is like my Babe piglet, I think...an anchor to who I am and choose to be and the hard won progress I have made.

Pause to pat yourself on the back too for NOT doing any of the knee jerk reactions you might have done bc yes it is very unfair.


Now, the tough bits that I think you know really but wish you didn't.
None of this card/money stuff is your circus. Your daughter asked for help which you graciously did by lending her the money...everything else, including what your daughter does about the card, not yours to fix.
Your daughter is an adult...but for whatever reason she seems to prefer to blame you rather than take responsibility for her own actions or to treat you with the respect she demands from you. Idk if this is historically part of her character or simply her reaction to what her father has done.
Which unfortunately means that it won't change unless she decides to change her behaviour...and right now it probably suits her well enough. So, if it isn't ok with you - just like an MLCer - you need boundaries.
What do you consider acceptable as a way for your young adult daughter to behave towards you? What's your bare minimum? And how close is any of this to that line, Milly?
You can't make her do or think or feel anything...we LBS learn that...but even as a parent you can say that if she wants a relationship with you, you need x or y. Your fear of losing her (much like we all felt with our spouses) allows her to control the relationship entirely on her terms. Your IC is quite right...you don't need to 'cut her off' but you can't control her either or sacrifice your needs and sons needs to do so.

Others here have had boundary issues with older kids, I know, so will give better advice than me.

Fwiw, my 2 cents is to do nothing, do a 180 really, do not initiate contact at all....she owes you a repayment plan does she not? And use that bit of time to think about your minimum expectations from your daughter...and your actions if she does not meet them. I'd also assume you won't see any of the cash again in terms of your financial planning!

And the graduation? Choose just for you, Milly. If you can do it independently, like a Chicago vacation with a small bit of graduation thrown in, if you can afford it, if you think in 5 years time it will matter, if you don't need to arrange anything in advance with your h or daughter...then just tell her you will be showing up for it. If, with a little space, you decide that it is just an event and other things matter more, then decide to not go.

The one thing we learn is that you can't feel good or win by negotiating with emotional terrorists who treat you with disrespect. Whoever they are. You can only control your actions and your boundaries and your priorities....

Ok, eyes back to the pink fridge again...it's baby pink right?...and breathe  :)
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 02:54:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #27 on: February 21, 2019, 03:10:31 AM »
Treasur has already said EVERYTHING that needs to be said....

I just wonder if "H already talked to the bank" exactly WHAT did he talk to them about? Did he really talk to them at all or was that an excuse....

However, going back to what Treasur said, D24 needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. Period. She lent him the card. You bailed her (him) out once. Now it is adulting time....

I also agree that you should probably plan that you will not get the money back... D24 isn't going to have it readily available if she is still paying tuition and all and H is sure as Hades not going to give it to her.

This is also a learning experience for you, albeit a painful one. You realized how the numbers matched up and I agree that it is too much of a coincidence. Your boundary now needs to be established unless you are willing to make this a recurring thing.

As far as your R with D24..... Sorry but you can NOT force her to have an R with you and the ball is now firmly in her court. If she wants to have an R with you at all, it has to be established on MUTUAL respect and not her spoiled brat antics. She is no longer a teenager who can stick her bottom lip out and get her way.... You loaned her the money, she knows you expect it back. It is now on her to figure out how to make that happen. In the mean time, she'll have to deal with the consequences of what her choices are and if that means she looses charging privileges, that is on her, not you NOT your farm, NOT your cows, NOT your male bovine excrement to deal with....



Pink fridge and Prosecco....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #28 on: February 21, 2019, 03:27:52 AM »
Sorry D24 has not thanked you and is not talking to you. How rude.

Agree with the others, do nothing. Also agree D24 is an adult.

Enjoy your view and a nice glass of wine.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #29 on: February 21, 2019, 05:07:00 AM »
Milly please understand that D24 is stressed with her thesis. She really does not need any added stress atm. No doubt she is super peeved off with her father (for getting her into this mess) and with you (for telling her some home truths).  Give her time Milly...when she is less stressed she will see things more clearly, that I am certain of.  You most certainly do not deserve any of this....nor does D24!   Sadly you both have been played. 

Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

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Offline Mitzpah

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #30 on: February 21, 2019, 09:59:20 AM »
Milly,

My dear, I can empathize with you. I have three kids too  ;)  I feel as you do
I agree that it's not good to bash a parent in order to put that parent against the child. However, I am the parent of 3 kids and I do not believe in creating a fake world for them. Children have a tendency to believe they should be the most important thing in their parent's lives. This is true to a certain extent, but not to the annihilation of that parent. We parents have lives, feelings, and I don't believe the child benefits from the hurting parents shutting up and pretending all is good when it's not. I believe kids can learn from seeing a hurting parent who can recreate herself. Better than a parent who is dying inside but is pretending all is ok for the kids. I think that sets the kids up to a potential future where they repeat the act of the 'bad' parent because they have the belief that it was not that hard on the good parent. I may be wrong, but this is how I see it.


You are doing just this  :) and I can tell you - I have actually heard my kids say how proud they are of me for holding it together for them even when everything was falling apart, that they know that they can count on me.

Carry on being consistent Milly.

I agree with what Treasur wrote, especially about the graduation - very good solution.

Last month was my d24's birthday - her father and I decided on a gift and we shared it (it's on my CC). She held a party for her friends at our house on the day and her father came by to spend some time with us all. He was tired after having worked all day at our (then) s26's new house and soon went off to his place. Later that week or the next week, I don't remember exactly, the kids all met up with him at the local Japanese restaurant to celebrate her birthday - I wasn't invited (on one hand, good! I didn't have to pay an expensive bill ;), on the other hand, I felt a little miffed... but, ok). This d24 is  the child that I had most problems with when her father left and she was very difficult for a few years, nowadays, she is very close to me and we do a lot of things together, however, we respect each other and her relationship with her father is still very fiercely guarded while she has built a very good relationship with me - she keeps us separate in her world, lol.

Interestingly, today is my s27's birthday and he wants us ALL to go to the Japanese! I am not looking forward to the bill :( - d24 messaged me in our family group to say: 'mum, I will pay my part to help you!' ;) - so, you see - things change, things are fluid, we just have to be consistent and let things flow.

Pink fridge and Prosecco!!!
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2019, 12:40:17 PM »
Thank you so very much Treasur, UM, Anjae, Bren, and Mitzpah for your support in this matter. I can't tell you how much reading what you've wrote to me has helped me.

Treasur, you're the sweetest. You always say the right thing. Fancy how important that pink fridge decision really was, and it was. It was that first thing I did because I wanted to. A hard won progress, how well said. As you suggest, I will not figure the money into my expenses. I imagine it's going to be hard going getting this money back. Her reaction to this is close to my limit.

UM, as usual, you have a great way of laying things out in a simple, non emotional way. Maybe it's the scientist in you. Yes, this was a lesson for me. I will not let her do this to me again. Regarding the talking to the bank my H claims he did and the too coincidental amount I paid for him resembling the maintenance he was supposed to me, I guess I'm still thinking the best of everyone, including H. I do need to learn to be a little more sneaky with my thoughts. Sad but safer.

Anjae, thanks for understanding. My D24 is rude. You know you said something as simple as enjoy the view. Well I went out to enjoy my view after you said that. Sat outside on my computer and worked. Thanks for reminding me of the good things around me.

Bren, I hear you, too, and thanks for the perspective from D24. She is under stress and I will leave her to get on with her thesis. That is important to me. I'm glad you think that she will be evaluating this situation even if I'm not hearing about it.

Mitz, thanks so much for your support and commiseration. Your D is the same age as mine. It think being a parent is a continuous journey. And the more kids we have, the more we learn. Each kid is different and reacts differently. Same parents, different kids. It's hard isn't it to include everyone and then be left out by them without one moment's consideration. You have an amazing way of handling the situation with your H. I do envy the relationship you've managed to build with him.

Money is definitely a major problem during a MLC. For many of us, our Hs don't want to pay a penny not even for the kids. If we demand maintenance, we become double awful. If I were independently wealthy, I do think I would have a better chance with my H. If I could have just said, go and I'll be ok, I'll take care of the kids, didn't fight him for a penny, I do think he would be more open to me now. I don't regret what I did as I am not wealthy and had to do what I could to look after our kids. But I don't think it helped the situation.

I don't know why money is such a bad ingredient in this MLC. I mean, we all need money obviously, and we know we have to pay for certain things, utilities, taxes, our kids. The MLCer doesn't think so. His money is his alone. If anyone wants to take some, they are evil. At least this is how my H views it. I don't know how you can become and adult and not know that you have to pay for your family once you chose to have one.

I think this is the main obstacle with my H. Money, lack of, is what is actually keeping him in replay as he runs from his obligations, and anything he's forced to pay against his will, makes him hate me more.

Feeling a little better tonight thanks to you all.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #32 on: February 21, 2019, 04:24:33 PM »
Milly I know she’s your D. But is it ok if I’m a little miffed at her? It won’t last I promise. But wow! I’ll get over it.  ;)

Hmmmmm money (or lack of) keeping H in replay. I don’t know if they even think about it to be honest. Well not until they need it and it becomes a problem. But by then it is usually wrapped up in a responsibility (a/k/a children) and so they ask old faithful (a/k/a the lbs). They are so beyond irresponsible and into instant gratification I doubt they even think about it until it becomes an issue. I cannot imagine your H was cognizant enough to calculate the maintenance/gift differential. Mush brain and all.

I’m sorry youre hurting. But as we have learned from being an lbs, your Ds reaction has little to do with you and more to do with her relationship with her Dad. She’s likely very angry with him but wouldn’t dare say for fear he will run. You on the other hand would never do such a thing. Old Faithful and all. Being the rock of the fam has its positives and negatives. But mostly positives.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline strawberry

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2019, 04:56:20 PM »
I doubt you meant to imply this, but I want to clarify that in no way did my mother create a “fake world” for her 4 children by not venting her feelings about my father to us.  Not for a single second did any one of us think she was happy about what he did and continues to do to this day.  It wasn’t necessary.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline forthetrees

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2019, 05:33:09 PM »
Milly,

Please consider separating the graduation from this current snafu. You could send an email to D with the date by which you need to buy a ticket in order for it to be affordable. If she does not respond, then your non-attendance does not come with a slight.

I doubt that h added the garnished wages plus S´s xmas gift together. He likely really did blow 750 euros on instant gratification and forgot that one must pay the piper. I doubt that MLCers could plan that well and it would require a conspiracy with D.

Your D likely has now mixed the credit card snafu and your truth darts together and it will take  a while for that to unravel.

It was not a loving or fair act to drag you into the credit card mess. With this lesson, you now know that it´s not worth it especially when you add in the emotional cost to you. At the rate your h is going, he probably has not budgeted what he owes and will end up in jail- not your monkey, not your circus (though it sucks that you´re out the money).

Work on getting back to your emotional center. You were doing so well right before h derailed the new progress.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2019, 07:56:50 PM »
Glad that you went outside and enjoyed the view, Milly.

Even if we were independently wealthy the MLCer would still have to fulfil his/her duties towards the children. One thing I notice, male LBS tend to be paying child support and alimony to their MLCers and everything is split in half. Female LBS are usually left with tons of financial problems. Of course male LBS are not men in MLC. Still, they pay alimony to a woman that tends to have an affair, leave the marriage and be with OM.

Mr J has money. Some other MLCers have money or lots of money. They are still in Replay. Lack of money, lots of money does not seem to make a difference when it comes to the MLCer being in Replay.

Do not regret what you did. Your MLCer has obligations. He may not fulfil them, but they are his. Maybe your husband would be more open to you now if you hand't fight for what is yours and the kids. But what good would it do? He wouldn't be out of crisis and would know he get a pass to whatever he does.

Agree with FTT, separating D24 graduation from this mess is something to consider.

Also agree about going back to your centre and put Milly first.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #36 on: February 22, 2019, 09:53:46 AM »
Kit, yes, you can be totally mad at my D24 right now! She's 'madful.' I think you are probably right about the MLCer not being able to think of anything let alone how to come up with a conniving plan to do me on exactly the amount due this month. But then again, I've been so naive for so long, I feel I need to keep a little suspicion in me alive. Thanks for telling me that D is probably angry at her dad but I just don't know it. And of course, she'll be scared to lose him, I'm much easier to manipulate as she's seen. Old faithful, as you say. Not a bad thing to be old faithful. Just so annoying sometimes.

Strawberry, I'm so sorry you thought I was talking about your mother. No, absolutely, not.  I was just thinking about myself and my kids, but I apologize for not making that distinction.

For, thank you for your calm explanation of what's going on. You also think H didn't know what he was doing with the credit apart from self gratifying himself. That's actually a little easier to accept. It would also be total Replay behaviour. My H is really stuck in Replay. I agree that I need to separate the graduation from this event. Thank you for suggesting that. The two do need space from each other. I mustn't fall into the trap of reacting. You say it so gently. Thanks!

Anjae, thanks for pointing out that there is probably no connection between my H having debt and blaming me and staying in Replay. Even the MLCers with no money problems stay in Replay. Good reminder. There I am trying to find the reasoning behind a MLCer's behaviour. Still some learning to do on my part. My personal experience has definitely been one of needing to try everything out personally (and getting a failed result!) to accept what pretty much is taught here. I think it's part of my growing, though, so I'm still glad for the mistakes I have made (so many!).

I really have no news but wanted to answer all your posts. It's the end of another week. S heard from H last Sunday. H asked if he was better. S said yes. H said 'nice.' S hasn't seen his dad in over a month.

This weekend we have a lot of tennis on, which is good. It will get me out of the house and mixing with people. It will also give me less time to think about stuff.

I don't know if I mentioned that joining a gym was one of my goals this year. I did join but as life would have it, busy + sickness, I've only been a few times. But, I'm so pleased with myself for doing the joining. I was so scared that I'd be embarrassed since I don't know how to use the machines, and then there would be lots of gorgeous young girls with their hot bodies, but in reality, there was a mix of people. I felt very comfortable. Now I have a new goal, which is to get into shape for summer. I used to belong to a gym and would go faithfully, but then I stopped, I'm not even sure exactly when. Another thing I gave up whilst married. My H belonged to 3 gyms. But, I take this on myself. This is only my fault. My H never asked me to quit the gym. Anyway, all good learning.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #37 on: February 22, 2019, 11:13:41 AM »
I hope you treat yourself to a 'pink fridge' coloured bit of gym wear as a motivating reminder, Milly! You are sounding good, my friend  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #38 on: February 23, 2019, 12:24:29 AM »
Treasur, I bought myself gym shoes with pink soles! I knew there was something drawing me to those shoes!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Thunder

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #39 on: February 23, 2019, 04:50:32 AM »
Milly my last 2 pair of walking tennis have been pink/w pink laces.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #40 on: February 23, 2019, 05:09:06 AM »
I am laying in bed reading your thread trying to decide if I should get dressed and go to the gym or just start the laundry. Haha! I haven’t been all week for one reason or another’s
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #41 on: February 23, 2019, 06:08:50 AM »
DF, I totally get that debate between the laundry and the gym! Not sure I'm choosing the laundry for the right reasons!

Thunder, you must look soo cute out running in your girlie shoes! Funny how we don't grow out of liking pink!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Yo

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #42 on: February 23, 2019, 08:53:44 AM »
Milly I haven't posted in others threads because I wasn't sure to have the correct words since my experience about MLC is short but reading your and others threads I realized is matter of daily life not just MLC and in order to show my empathy and love, here I am...

My D is 6 years old but I was 24 once and for sure I can tell that in some point she'll come back, things fall under its own weight!

I think you should focus in S and D21, enjoy with them, invest in them and do what you have learned with them.

I know it hurts but as MLC, this is something that you cannot change or solve.

So to be ok with them first you have to be ok with you and the gym sounds great! 3 months ago I started again and I felt like you about the great boddies you see there, what I did was to take this as a motivation, most of them started like us and with a healthy feeding you'll start seen results in a month.

And about money and MLC, of course MLC'ers remain in Replay with or without money but the lack of it can be the MLC excuse to be Monster and the LBS excuse to be attached.

I really hope today is a better day for you, remember happiness comes in waves, it'll find you again! ❤

(remember English is not my native language so forgive my mistakes please 😁)
Yo ☺

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #43 on: February 24, 2019, 11:05:07 PM »
All caught up Milly.  What an aggravating turn of events!  I'm so sorry that your H messed up so badly and then proceeded to drag you into it with him, in turn putting things into a mess with your D.  I hope that it clears over and that you and D will get on firm footing once again. 

(((HUGS)))
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Offline Nerissa

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #44 on: February 25, 2019, 05:02:47 AM »
I expect your daughter is feeling guilty and taking it out on you, as a defence from feeling her ow. Part and perhaps from the pain of having to accept that her dad is a bit of a tosser.   but it is hurtful when none of it is your fault.  Just try to give it time and stay quiet . She will work it out eventually, I’m sure. 

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #45 on: February 26, 2019, 12:49:40 PM »
I have a question.  Where is the best explanation of what the fog is like for the MLC.  I know there are fog stories listed on the forum but if you have additional information PLEASE list. 

Milly hope I didn't offend by asking an off topic question. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #46 on: February 27, 2019, 04:20:47 AM »
Faith and Nerissa thanks for the support with my D. I do hope she is processing what happened. I tell myself that she is busy studying and that’s why I’m not hearing from her. I haven’t heard anything since the brief message saying her dad spoke to the bank.

Yellow please ask away. Great question. I’m curious to hear what people say.

I just saw my IC whom I really like. We spoke about S14 today. He got a bad grade in maths again and lost two matches this weekend. S told me he couldn’t remember how to position his feet. I didn’t bring S up it was IC who asked me how S was doing at both school and tennis. It was a long discussion but from stuff I told her like S saw his math tutor for 2 hours yedterday and the tutor says S knows everything that it’s such a shame that he must lose his concentration during the test.

So IC says that it sounds like (translating from Italian) performance stress. She says it’s common when feeling judged as in a test or on the court to be so stressed to blank out and forget everything. I said what could this stress be now? She said at this time of year it’s common for teenagers to feel weird. They’re tired and that heightens stress. She said his recent flu will have left him weak so that all the stuff he was trying to juggle, school, tennis, his absent dad has just become too much. She says that she’s noticed that at those times when S has seen his dad frequently, his school and tennis went well. I said what can I do about it? H doesnt’want to hear from me?

She suggests that I help S rest and get physically stronger. She also suggests talking to S who is not a talker. She said to ask him if he misses his dad. If he says yes I’m to suggest that he phone him, S phone H.

So this sort of ties in with Yellow’s question of the MLC fog. Could our spouses who are very stressed in this crisis, be finding themselves struggling to work things out in a similar manner to what my S is experiencing during a test or during a match? It would make sense why they can only cope with the simplest, brainless tasks.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #47 on: February 27, 2019, 06:21:29 AM »
Milly, what you describe re your S’s poor performance under pressure is a familiar one.
My S1 was similar, except he was at university.  He would go blank during his exams even though he studied a lot beforehand.  It was performance anxiety which was never present before H’s MLC.  He got some counselling and now he is fine. 

Your son has so much on his plate.  School, high pressure extracurricular activities, home front with dad mostly MIA.  This is a lot to cope with.  I’m wondering if a bit of professional counselling might be good for him.  All my 3 children got counselling.  2 of them are still on maintenance counselling.  Their choice.  In hindsight, the MLC fallout was greater on my kids than on me, MLCer and our M.  When people say kids are resilient, it’s a cop-out in my view.  I sternly correct anyone saying that to me and I have no qualms about it.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #48 on: February 27, 2019, 06:37:58 AM »
I agree acorn, h once said kids bounce back. Mine have not and are in counselling. Xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #49 on: February 27, 2019, 07:08:09 AM »
I have to say that it IS a bit ironic in that my S, who spends 3-4 nights per week with me has done much better with the whole situation than my D who STBXW gloms on to and who comes to me every couple of weeks... and, when I do get her for an extended period, after the initial melt-down, she is usually fine and quite happy....

In contrast to those whose Mid-Lifers vanish though, mine has transferred her happy supply sucker to D after my supply to her ran out....  ::)
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #50 on: February 27, 2019, 10:40:51 AM »
That is interesting what your IC said about S reaching out to H. Mine is not a talker either.  I may have to "borrow" your approach suggested by your IC.

Poor boy, stress/anxiety is all to common at this age. Add all of the things S has going on, and it is like a perfect storm. He has done so well for so long. One small misstep will happen every so often. As I like to remind myself, we learn more form our mistakes than our successes.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #51 on: February 27, 2019, 11:04:19 AM »
My oldest nephew keeps having problems with math. He didn't had a good grade and it seems he still blanks at math tests.

It has been years since my sisters seems more interested in what she wants to do than listening to her son. She drags him into weekends trips because she wants to go see hockey games, she enrolled him in hockey even if he never liked it, etc.

She also never wanted to put him on a school near us so that he could spend the week at mum's and have his aunts and uncles helping and supporting him. The kid is often home alone since he is 10.

Now she is dealing with him becoming a teenager, he will 14 by the end of the year, and she does not have a clue how to deal with it. She was under the impression he was always going to remain a child. Even if we told her time and time again that was not the case.

She has 5 younger sibling, 4 of which boys. She knows kids turn into teenagers. Maybe, like many parents, she thought her kid was going to be the one who wasn't going to become a teen.  ::)

My nephew also isn't much of a talker. He talks to me if is just the two of us. Other than that, he tends to keep to himself.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #52 on: February 27, 2019, 11:05:28 AM »
Quote
Milly I haven't posted in others threads because I wasn't sure to have the correct words since my experience about MLC is short but reading your and others threads I realized is matter of daily life not just MLC and in order to show my empathy and love, here I am...

Hello, don't ever feel that you have nothing to add to the conversation. Once you've been burned by bomb drop, you are now a veteran. LOL

I also agree with Acorn. I'm in education and we struggle with the concept of resilency. Why are some children resiliant and others give up? To just state that all children bounce back is dangerous. We struggle as adults with the situation and we have completely formed brains.

You can't be an expert in every situation. Don't let yourself get drawn into the middle of a situation between D24 and H. They made their mess and it's their situation. Stay out as much as possible. Keep it simple and short. "I love you and I only want the best for you." Lay the boundary that you will talk to her about any and everything but not your ex.

My youngest and I text and talk about once a week. I text a lot more. However, I know she is busy so I keep things simple. "Good morning, hope you have a great day at school. Love you."

If she responds cool, if not cool. I don't let her actions dictate mine because no matter what, I do love her and I do want her to do well.

Keep going strong and I do hope you join the gym. It really does me wonders!

((((Hugs)))


Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #53 on: February 28, 2019, 01:12:43 AM »
Milly - I am sorry to hear about S and his grades slipping and his performance with his tennis games not being up to his regular standard.  Adolescence is such a difficult stage for any teenager.  You would remember going through this stage with your Daughters.   However girls tend to talk about everything where boys don't communicate and are very difficult to read. 

Does your IC see S as well?  Is she aware that S has been reaching out to H for sometime only to receive mixed messages back?   I am still amazed about how your H handled Christmas, the console game, the credit card incident and how he told S that he may be moving countries.  Sorry Milly but S is obviously going through some difficult times, is encouraging more contact with H a benefit to him atm?   Your H has displayed that atm he is no father material, he is too focused on himself, OW and obviously his money issues.   H more than likely does not understand the hurt that he is directing at his children and you.  I would protect S as much as possible.  Please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying to keep him away from H..but just let H be the one to instigate contact with S.  Put the ball back in his court....as we know LBS's cannot control everything.  These MLC Fathers need to step up sooner or later. 

It sounds like S and you need to spend some quality time together again....try to break down his walls and find out exactly what is going on...if anything....it may just be the normal teenager "slackness" attitude phase that they all go through?

Out of curiosity does S have another Male Role Model that he hangs out with?  His tennis coach or maybe a mates Dad?   Boys do need their fathers....but it is extremely difficult when the F is in MLC and is so self centred. 

Take care Milly...fingers crossed that this is just a phase and not the result of emotional damage done to S as a result of his F's MLC.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 01:16:10 AM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #54 on: February 28, 2019, 01:59:54 AM »
Quote from: BrenM
However girls tend to talk about everything where boys don't communicate and are very difficult to read. 

<SNORT!>

You've never met my S11 (almost 12)!  Or maybe it IS really a  "Mom" thing.  I get the impression from both what STBX says and what S tells me that he talks a LOT to me about life, the universe and everything in it and to his mom, <crickets>.  The typical teenager wannabe...

"How are you?"
"Fine"
"How was school today?"
"Fine"
"What did you do today?"
"Just normal stiuff"
"Anything special?"
"No."
and so on... With me, it is like trying to drink from a firehouse.  We went on a motorcycle ride on Sunday afternoon and I installed an intercom system between his helmet and mine. He talked the ENTIRE 2 hour ride... About movies, Minecraft, his friends, the projects he was working on for school, the classmates that were in his group (mostly whinging about how 2 of them weren't doing any of the work) and on and on and on.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #55 on: February 28, 2019, 02:25:18 AM »
It may be boys don't talk much with their mums. Or some boys. My brothers talk, and have always talked, more than I do. My nephew talks for ours with me, but not with his mother.

I find boys much easier to read than girls. My 10 years old second cousin is here at least once a week. Since she has a smartphone she "talks", and "talks", and "talks" with her girlfriends. The "talk" is silly, gossip stuff, for hours on end.

She also does not talk serius stuff with her mum or dad. Or for the most part, she does not. She talks to me, her aunt, her uncles and, at times, her grandmothers. When she talks, what she ays is similar to what my oldest nephew says. She is not easier to read than my oldest nephew.

Milly, your son is a teenager, even without his dad in MLC, he would most likely have a no talking, or a not talking that much phase. Teenagers need to be teenagers and do teenager stuff. Teens can be a complicated period, with, or without MLC.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #56 on: February 28, 2019, 02:39:11 AM »


"How are you?"
"Fine"
"How was school today?"
"Fine"
"What did you do today?"
"Just normal stiuff"
"Anything special?"
"No."


Yes that is it...the closed answers or grunts lol. 

UM - my D15 tells me everything.  She loves to talk and talk about everything.   My boys on the other hand are hard work for me....I find myself rephrasing my questions so that I get more than a one answer reply.  Though when you are talking about something that they love...you can't shut them up.  Work...girls...footy...parties you can't shut them up.  Back when they were at school...nothing important to talk about hahaha.  Men are definitely from Mars lol.

Cherish your relationship with your Son UM...it sounds very unique and precious. 
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
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Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #57 on: February 28, 2019, 05:52:19 AM »
You're getting all sorts of perspectives here, Milly; and they're all right:  teenagers are an interesting bunch in any case.  In my own case I have a son who talks a lot now, a daughter who needs to have it pulled out of her, and another S who only comes out with things every once in a while.

They are now just beyond their teens, but what I did do when they were growing up with all this mess was pretty much force the difficult conversations.  I don't mean keep them at it for hours on end, but when they would scream "why do we have to talk about this, it's hard?" I would say that it's the not talking that gets everyone into trouble, and that we have to precisely because it IS difficult, we have to learn to do that, and they have to learn to do that.

It was always a challenge to work out how long to keep going for each time, but keep going we did, and I think, looking back, that it was a good thing.  It gave me a chance to demonstrate consistency as well, which is what they needed to feel safe. 

I'm not sure I would want to relive the teenage years, though; there were literally several years when every single conversation was a "teaching moment".  Not about H or Mlc or similar things all the time, but about life in general, behaviour in general, all that.  And I do mean Every Single Conversation.  I think those years are when they really do push against boundaries, test things, try to work out how to be a person in this world.  And it pervaded everything.

Those were also years when I had to take a deep breath and realise that I was going to be unpopular for a while, I also internally worried that they would try to go to H if I was being "mean", but that they didn't do, very luckily for me.  Although I had the "you can't play one parent off the other" speech prepared....

I also never let them get away with bad behaviour because H wasn't there; if they did ever say "well, our dad isn't here", I would say that yes, I know, and that is sad and makes things hard, but it isn't a reason for them (or me) to behave badly..   and so on and so on...    One thing I wouldn't ever do is call H, though, or say that they should.  In my situation I decided that we were the family and we would deal with whatever it was ourselves, and yes, I did let them know that. 

Milly, this isn't easy in the best of circumstances, I'm sure you will navigate it well!


Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #58 on: February 28, 2019, 11:37:11 AM »
I am finding out that 13 is HARD!!  I had this lovely little boy until he turned 13 and then things got quiet and S13 got difficult.  No more hugs and giggles. He is a sullen, difficult teenager now.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #59 on: February 28, 2019, 11:57:19 AM »
I am finding out that 13 is HARD!!  I had this lovely little boy until he turned 13 and then things got quiet and S13 got difficult.  No more hugs and giggles. He is a sullen, difficult teenager now.

LOL DF. My sister and I started referring to my nephew as "the teenager" instead of by name when he turned 13/14. Same sullen teenagery type stuff. It is amazing the change they go through.

My S is still a very chatty kid. Just doesn't ever discuss his feelings.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #60 on: February 28, 2019, 12:30:31 PM »
For those in the uk all i can say about teenage boys is Kevin! For those not in the uk you tube Kevin and Perry! 😂Xx

https://youtu.be/3gZCoQ0NNg4
« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 12:35:11 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #61 on: March 01, 2019, 02:07:30 AM »
Thank you all for taking the time to share your own experiences with your teenagers and for giving me advice from different points of view. I think this is very useful to hear for those of us negotiating a teenager and the crisis their parent has placed them in. No doubt for some it will be easier than for others.

I find it so complicated, since my kids have gone through this trauma, to work out what is normal teenage misbehaviour and what is a result of their pain. I worry that my wanting to shield S14 from further pain might have lead me to be too lenient with him. It's not an easy balance to reach. It's hard enough when the family is united and there are no major problems.

My S is not a talker. So I tried asking him if he missed his dad, which was then going to lead onto suggesting he give his dad a call, but S answered that he doesn't miss his dad. Actually, he first said 'What do you mean?' I said did he miss seeing him or spending time with him? And that's when S said no. Do I believe it? I don't know. Five years is a long time for a kid. Could it be he's reached a new comfort in our family situation and now considers this normal?

I did take him to see my IC who is a family IC at the beginning right after BD, but since then I have asked her advice for him during my own sessions. He didn't like going. But I do keep it in mind and so does my IC. We discuss it now and again to see if she thinks he needs it.

He got a good grade in his physics test yesterday, which has done a lot to bump his mood. I realize that I must keep on top of him regarding his school work because it definitely impacts his self esteem. I have also bought some vitamins and I'm going to make an effort to cook him some decent food. I'm not a good cook. He is growing very fast and is like a wobbly tree.

When I picked him up from school yesterday he told me about one of the kids in class who lives close to us. The kid has taken a liking to my S and said that he would come over to us on his bike and they could study together at times. This boy is good at school so this will definitely help S. Also, S knows no kids where we live since this is a new place for us, so I'm so pleased he's making a buddy.

So this morning I got a message from D24 saying: Daddy said he sent you the money. I thanked D for the timeliness. I was tempted to ignore her message like she ignored mine when I sent her the money but it didn't feel right. Maybe I'm a pushover.

I don't know yet whether the money was actually sent or if my H has some convoluted idea in his head of how he repaid me. I'm afraid I'm very skeptical these days. Anyway, I was very surprised. I was not expecting to be repaid so quickly or directly from H. I had decided to write it off or thought my D would end up paying for it. So this is something unexpected. However, my R with D24 has suffered because of this business.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #62 on: March 01, 2019, 02:53:23 AM »
The simple "Thanks for letting me know... " was perfect.  It gets D24 off the hook.... Now, whether or not he really DID it is a different story...

And THEREIN lies the dilemma... If he DID transfer it, fine. It is over and done and a learning experience. If he did NOT and just BS'd D24, then it becomes a whole different issue.... And there I'd say leave D24 out of it , even if it means her not knowing that her father lied to her... She'll find that out soon enough on her own... 

My S is in a similar situation and it has taken him nearly 3 years to reestablish friendships after STBXW ripped him out of his familiar environment... But he's doing better finally and has some friends that he also studies with. In fact, S is the one that is helping one of his friends with English and that has boosted his self-esteem greatly.... Scoring well on a test is a major boost (My S just got a 95% on his English test and was ecstatic as he had every right to be...) because it lets them know that they ARE, in fact, capable... 


I also see his attitude towards his father is that he realises that there is a negative return on his (S's) investment and is therefore decreasing that investment. After all, tossing more energy and love into a sucking black hole of nothingness is kind of self-defeating and his father has done nothing to reciprocate... 5 years is about 37% of S's entire life so far so it is understandable that he is not interested in entertaining a grown-up teenager... He has enough stuff on his plate without that and he sees the difference between the way YOU live and treat him and the way his F lives and treats him, despite the words coming from his father's pie hole....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #63 on: March 01, 2019, 03:05:24 AM »
I imagine that we are all sceptical about whether your h has ACTUALLY sent the money....
I disagree with UM though...if he hasn't, I would just factually share that info with your d. A kind of 'checked on x date, money not received' bc actually you loaned the money to HER (although they have both danced very hard to triangulate you). Which means it is HER responsibility to pay it back...her father's involvement is not your business.

Sounds like your son is just finding his way through and adapting as UM says to what his father is now. At his age, a few personal successes and a new chum will probably do him more good than trying to engage an unengaged father. And you keep doing you, Milly, you're just fine  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #64 on: March 01, 2019, 03:14:44 AM »
I imagine that we are all sceptical about whether your h has ACTUALLY sent the money....
I disagree with UM though...if he hasn't, I would just factually share that info with your d. A kind of 'checked on x date, money not received' bc actually you loaned the money to HER (although they have both danced very hard to triangulate you). Which means it is HER responsibility to pay it back...her father's involvement is not your business.

Actually, Treasur makes a VERY good point and I could be VERY easily persuaded to adopt that view... You loaned D24 the money to pay the bill, not H.... I guess it then becomes a question of how long do you wait for it to appear?
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #65 on: March 01, 2019, 03:18:29 AM »
I'd give it 5 working bank days, so next Friday....if it helps imagine h is not involved but a friend of your daughters you don't know did it, called idk Phil Fathead..... ;D

Should we start taking side bets, Milly...
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 03:21:18 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #66 on: March 01, 2019, 03:28:18 AM »
I'd give it 5 working bank days, so next Friday....if it helps imagine h is not involved but a friend of your daughters you don't know did it, called idk Phil Fathead..... ;D

Should we start taking side bets, Milly...

You are being nice... I was thinking "Richard Cranium"

We could call it "The Milly Willy Pool" (as in "Will He" for the Non-Native English speakers) with either a simple yes/no bet or, for the more adventurous, placing wagers on the date....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #67 on: March 01, 2019, 03:33:15 AM »
It could well be that after 5 years S14 become used to not having his dad around. Ursa has a good point. Why invest energy in a black hole that gives nothing back?

Glad son made a friend. As for food, I remember how much my brothers eat by then. They still eat a lot.   

As for the money, wait and see if it was sent. Like a week, for example. Agree it was a loan to D24, it is her responsability to pay for it.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #68 on: March 01, 2019, 03:49:33 AM »
I am not normally a betting woman...but I bet that the money was not transferred!  Sorry Milly 😳.  I can’t think why a LBS wouldn’t trust a Mlcer in the fog...can you? So that is a BIG “NO” vote for  “the Milly Willy Pool” from me from Queensland Australia.

I also agree with Treasur...if the money doesn’t show up in your account,  then Daughter should be advised.  Subtly, naturally.  I know you don’t necessarily want the money, but atm H is playing D24 against you with his lies.  This is appalling!

Milly I am pleased that you spoke to your S about his Dad.   Sadly it is the  Mlcer that is  missing out on their children’s precious lives.  As the saying goes you Reap what you sow.   

A friend close by could be exactly what S needs...no doubt you will be feeding two very hungry growing boys regularly soon....I hope the Pink Fridge is ready lol.

Take care Milly



« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 03:54:25 AM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Acorn

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #69 on: March 01, 2019, 04:57:28 AM »
If there ever was a case of ‘show me the money’, this is it. 
My bet is on  ‘it is my intention is to pay back sometime in the future’, rather than ‘I have paid’. 
You know, MLCers get mixed up and all.  Oh, there is the lying thing as well. 

Let’s wait and see if he has indeed spoken with his wallet. 
Like so many things in life, it’s good old  ‘follow the money’, or the lack of it, to get to the truth.  In this case, the true depth of MLC.  Sigh... 

I could almost tell by the CC records how wild H’s Replay was at that given month.  His expenses used to occupy most of the space on the statements at the height of the season, now hardly anything.  I’m doing something about it by filling it with my own expenses.   ;D

Milly, do let us know if/when you receive the funds. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #70 on: March 01, 2019, 05:36:33 AM »
Yeah, my money is on a version of 'intended to do it' rather than doing it...no benefit to him in being a decent human as he is now rescued from his pickle and his track record is poor. And not doing it does let him keep the cash a bit longer, ride the drama and keep you as the evil money lender.  ::). It will probably rest on whether he thinks your daughter will let him get away with it or not and how much that relationship matters to him....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #71 on: March 01, 2019, 10:49:43 AM »
Too funny, you guys! The Milly Willy Pool! I will let you know! I'm betting each way!

Thanks for your kind comments about my S and his new buddy. I can feel your support like a hug for us both. I shall have to stock that baby pink fridge! Maybe add some prosecco while I'm at it!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #72 on: March 01, 2019, 01:38:33 PM »
Big smiles coming at you from the US when you mentioned stocking that pink fridge with Prosecco! I am a sucker for anything sparkling!

I am so happy S has made a buddy. My S has a core group of 4 buddies who have been together since Kinder. I really wanted to move away right after BD, but didn't b/c I didn't want to completely rock S's world. I swear it was the friendship with those boys that really helped him through the worst days of missing his father, especially since he didn't have any siblings. So, my point, is that my heart is smiling that S is making friends. He seems very selective so I am sure he will make the "right" friends and they will be lifelong, ride-or-die kinds. Which are the best. 

And the "check is in the mail" thing. Well, I am deeply hoping he did the right thing. But well, MLC.

Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #73 on: March 01, 2019, 05:35:37 PM »
Hello Milly. I'll be the odds one out.  Mr. Milly sent the money for daughter's credit card AND son's Christmas gift.  The silly willies on here are so hard on your poor husband.  Not sure why they would think he's untrustworthy. 

S26 is still not much of a talker.  The teenage years are hard!!!! Unfortunately we as the stable parent bear the entire burden and its not fun.  One of the youth ministers at our church told me my children were looking at me.  As long as I was OK they would have some stability.  I faked it for them.  All they really have right now is us.  And it sucks (teenage word). 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #74 on: March 01, 2019, 05:50:59 PM »
Hello Milly. I'll be the odds one out.  Mr. Milly sent the money for daughter's credit card AND son's Christmas gift.  The silly willies on here are so hard on your poor husband.  Not sure why they would think he's untrustworthy. 


Hahaha this comment is absolutely Gold.....I too hope that Mr Milly Willy does reimburse our Milly for both the Cc and Console debt...but that is a lot of wishful thinking but as we all know in MLC Land anything is possible 😳
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
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Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #75 on: March 01, 2019, 10:59:06 PM »
Milly,

Going back to what you said about your S saying he doesn't miss his father, that is probably true -- I know from my own boys that while they miss the theory of having a father, they truly don't think about him the way we do.  When it was 5 years for us, a third of their lives, they still remembered him being home, but it was actually becoming hazy, which was something that hurt me a lot. 

As they have grown they now say that what hurts them most is that it hurts me, rather than it hurting them directly.  It DOES hurt them, in all sorts of ways, but, as my S says, he has far more important things to think about, i.e. his own life. 

As to being lenient, I may have fallen on the side of being too strict, I did always say that whatever he had done and whatever our family situation was, it was no excuse for bad behaviour/ not doing homework/ fill in the blank.  One of my stock statements was "we are the family, Dad is welcome to re-join". 

I'm not saying I always got it right, I also learned to tell them when I got it wrong, which was not infrequent.  I will say, however, that years later they do always tell me that they absolutely know what my values are and where the boundaries are, and I consider that a good thing.  It has brought us all very close, possibly closer than we might have been otherwise.

It's a learning process for us all, and I'm impressed with how you've done, none of this is easy in any way, shape or form.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #76 on: March 03, 2019, 04:42:34 AM »
Kit, it was nice for your S that you were able to remain where his friends were. Friends are so important and even though they don't talk to their friends about their problems at that age, friends are distractions and distraction works as well as pain medication.

I agree that for our kids it's best to make as few changes as possible. I had to move house, but I kept up all the other stuff S did up to BD, including his tennis, which is very expensive for me, but I felt he needed to be surrounded by the tennis families and teachers as a kind of anchor for him. Funny though that for us, it's better to make changes.

Yellow, if I do indeed the receive the money from the credit card and the Christmas gift to S, I will be feeling a little more generous with H. However, I haven't yet seen the money, and even if I do, I would feel that he did it to look good for D24 and not because he should not have asked me to pay for his MLC shenanigans. Thanks for the reminder that the kids are looking at us for their stability. Important to remember this.

Bren, I shall be checking my account tomorrow for signs of payment.

Trust, I find it so sad that the kids reach a point where they're not bothered any more whether their dad is present or not. I'm almost 5 years since BD, S was 9 at the time, and he says he has no memories of his father when he lived at home. He asks me about the old days occasionally, like what would daddy do when he was at home? I try to tell him stories to create new memories of old happenings.

Yesterday, I broached a little conversation with S14 that my IC had told me to try. Basically, she said when we are kids, we all look at an adult as our example of what kind of spouse or parent we want to be. My IC said that not having a good example of both these figures from his dad, it would be good if he was looking at a male friend as a good example he might be seeing himself in. She asked me how I could go about asking S. I said I could ask S what kind of father he thought he would be. She said that was a good question.

So I asked S yesterday. He said he was going to be an 'active' father. I said what do you mean? He said he would do lots of sports with them and listed them. He talked about of which tennis techniques he would teach his sons from age 2. S started when he was 4. I asked if he would go see their matches even if they were girls? He said 'Of course!' He then said he would be affectionate like he is with our dog, that he would want to do family things with them like take everyone out to dinner at the weekends. I find these to be good answers.

So a bit of news. This morning, I got a message from the chief of police from my old village. He asked me to go in tomorrow morning because H went into the station a couple of weeks ago to remove his charge against me. He didn't give details, but I'm assuming he means the charge against me and D21.

First of all, the judge has already thrown this case out, so I don't know how you can remove a case that doesn't exist. Secondly, I had been told by my lawyer and the chief that the charge had been made jointly by H and OW and so could only be removed by both of them, and not just by H.

So I'm curious to hear what exactly this is. I suppose it is positive that H built up the courage to walk into the police station to do this. I would think this means he realizes that he should never have charged his D, that it was wrong. I would think this is also going to annoy OW.

I can't work out when he did this in relation to when he asked me for the money for the credit card. I think before the money problem but I'll find out tomorrow. It's 18 months since the charge was made against us because of the terrible fight with OW in the street. It's taken him a long time to sort this. I'm sure he worked out that he was wrong a while ago, then it took another while to find the strength to go to the police station and rectify his mistake. Am I wrong to feel this might be movement?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #77 on: March 03, 2019, 05:08:11 AM »
Curious and curioser, Milly...well, it's something...I guess you will learn more.

Wow, what a fantastic job you did talking to your teenage boy! Like unlocking secret boy code  :)...'boy whispering', I bet you could sell that lol....reassuring to hear I'm sure but also full of clues about what he wants and needs as a son. Lots of which you have always done even when it wasn't easy, but maybe some nice 'tips' too on new things as he gets older. Does sport give him a way to either be a little brother or act as a bigger brother with other boys?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Puzzled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #78 on: March 03, 2019, 02:40:44 PM »
Milly, just letting you know that I'm reading along.  I really like how your son pictures himself as a dad.   :)
I'm curious, too, to hear about your visit to the police station tomorrow.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #79 on: March 03, 2019, 03:26:18 PM »
Milly your son sounds like he will make an awesome Dad.  All those family values instilled in him whilst he was growing up have paid off, despite the turmoil and the effects of his fathers MLC. I know that will be one of your proudest moments when will you have front row tickets to watch him to become the man who he desires.   Despite it all, you have done a fantastic job with him and his sisters Milly ❤️
« Last Edit: March 03, 2019, 03:27:57 PM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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Offline Shelly7435

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #80 on: March 03, 2019, 04:23:00 PM »
Following along..
 Everything Bren said!!!
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #81 on: March 03, 2019, 06:36:13 PM »
I worry so much about my S13 not having a good male role model. These teenage years do not inspire confidence. My father has passed and my brother is dealing with his own MLC. None of LB’s family has any contact with my S. It is just me, my D and my mother and sister... poor kid. No guys to show him the way except LB.

It will be interesting to find out why H felt compelled to visit the police. Their minds are so muddled. It could be anything.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #82 on: March 03, 2019, 10:49:12 PM »
Dumbfounded I know exactly what you mean.  I worry about all my kids. 

My SIL had her father abandoned her Mum, Sister and her when she was 9.  SIL has been showing signs of a MLC for some time - after losing her job and the death of her father (who meant nothing to her), I have spoken to Jackolar about her on some threads regarding his studies surrounding Andropause & Menopause.  6 weeks ago she walked out on my brother and her two boys. Used the term that she felt like she was being smothered, had to find herself, and is now saying that she can’t think because things are foggy.  Is it just that we are aware of the connection between FOO issues and MLC, or are we over analysing?  Either way it scares me! I don’t want my kids going through this crap!
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #83 on: March 04, 2019, 03:30:40 AM »
Bren, what a disaster with your SIL. MLC is everywhere, destroying families like an aggressive virus.

I worry about the kids. DF, I understand you looking around and feeling there is no role model for your S. What about in his sports' world? He might be looking at someone there.

Shelley, Puzzled, and Treasur thanks for following.

So I went to the police station this morning. The chief said that he spoke to H a couple of weeks ago about the charge against D21 and I. To remind you, the chief had spoken to my H several times since this charge was made against us, always encouraging H to remove it from D21. H's excuse was always that he wanted to remove it but that his girlfriend refused to and since it's a joint charge it can only be removed by both of them.

So, it turns out that H had OW sign a document authorizing him to remove the charges on her behalf. The document was dictated by the chief so it's legal.

Last year in April, at my BIL's funeral, H spoke briefly to D21 saying he had been wrong to sue her but that he couldn't force OW to remove her charges. That she had a right to keep hers. As far as D21 was concerned, his words meant nothing if it was ok for her dad that his companion was suing her.

So something has propelled H to make OW remove these charges. I'm sure OW does not want to do this so I'm thinking it is part of some bargain between them. I would like to think he's coming to his senses about some of his actions and what it means as far as his relationship with D21. Or that he's woken up to the fact that it's unacceptable to be with someone who is suing your child, but I can't help thinking that this 'good' deed was for his own agenda, and that OW signed for her agenda. My suspicion is that she must be getting something pretty big from H in turn for her to sign away charges against me and D21.

H has made no effort to contact D21 since the nasty incident with OW in the street, although he had been reconnecting with D21 in the months leading up to the incident. D21 contacted H twice since Christmas to ask for technical terms for her application essay for her masters. He wrote back immediately with the technical terms but no 'Hi D21 how are you? Or what are you applying to? No love dad, nothing, just the direct answer to her question. This is why I don't think he removed the charges because he wants to be a good dad.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #84 on: March 04, 2019, 03:45:52 AM »
Hmmm interesting.  Though I do believe that you are correct that OW is getting something big in return of dropping the charges.  Are you thinking what I am
Thinking Milly?  Time will tell.

Has he discussed with D24 about moving? 
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #85 on: March 04, 2019, 06:58:19 PM »
Your H and mine are so annoyingly similar, they both make me very angry with such stupid, immature actions, GRRRRRRR.

I'm sorry you are having trouble with your daughter, as you know I don't see mine at all since xH left which is four years ago now which is due to his horrible manipulation of the truth.

I sometimes feel we are SUPPOSED to feel guilty if we don't like or want to see our own children.  Sure, mine were super cute when they were little  but the way the act now, they don't deserve my time and I don't have to feel guilty that I am happier without them just because society says I should.

Three of my four children didn't speak to me for years, one of them is back and to be honest, I could do without him.  It's like pulling teeth to get him to answer a question without just a 'Yep' or 'Nup' when I ask him questions about his day/life/health or other niceties.  He NEVER asks about my day/health etc., and I feel he's a waste of my time and energy. I know if I chose not to see him I may miss out on major life events such as engagements or marriages but I've already missed a wedding of my nephew and major birthdays of xH's family and it really didn't kill me or leave permanent scars and I doubt it ever will.

I have come to the conclusion my other two children are best left to their own lives, to feel hurt and disappointment when similar life events like MLC  happen to them, before they actually have a clue what I went through.  To be honest, they will probably never know the extent of the pain and most people never experience anything as bad as many of us have over the past years with constant monster sessions and court appearances, letters with horrible untrue allegations and me finding out about the women xH has been with and the money he's spent on them he wouldn't  spend on me.

I am far better off away from all their drama and would rather put the energy it takes to reconnect with the toxic people they are into a new relationship with another man.  At least that would be a loving experience rather than a battleground of blame and hatred which I've already had quite enough of.

I've let go of the fear of not seeing their life events and anything they think of me is their stuff and not mine.  I know I was a good and loving mother and if they want to be respectful and loving towards me, they are welcome but if they are going to blame and project, they can stay away.  Learning to love ourselves and leaving those behind who treat us badly is part of the teachings of MLC.

We could all do with letting go of fear and just learning to show ourselves some respect by allowing them to stay away while they choose to act in a way that hurts us.  We really do keep stabbing ourselves in the eye with a fork each time we interact with them and need to ask ourselves, why?

I don't do that to others, why allow them to do it to me?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Unraveled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #86 on: March 04, 2019, 09:19:53 PM »
Savvy, I see a lot of hurt in that response.  I just saw you say that you would take in your S25, one of the ones that doesn't talk to you, if he needed a place to stay.  I think not being part of the drama and not opening yourself up to a constant stream of pain makes sense, but deep down I think we moms are different.  We have to be.  I can't imagine a situation where I wouldn't be there for my kids.  Where I wouldn't apologize even were I not in the wrong.  Where I wouldn't stop hoping that things could be better.  Not intending to chastise or pass judgment here and I have not had to walk in your shoes in this, but just to remind that the choices of these flawed individuals have devastating effects on family systems and kids, regardless of their ages, need to have a sane parent.  A parent who is always there for them.  There is no more unconditional love than that we have for our children.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #87 on: March 05, 2019, 10:19:37 AM »
I am really happy H withdrew the complaint, even if it was unnecessary at this point. To me it is a reflection that he is prioritizing D. And maybe he did pay a big price for it. But I feel this is even better because these MLCers are so self-centered that anything causing even an infinitesimal amount of discomfort seems to be something they would never entertain. And yet, here we are.  Maybe I am the eternal optimist, but I think this is definitely a good thing. This indeed is a baby step. But one in the right direction for sure.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #88 on: March 05, 2019, 10:32:51 AM »
Well, it goes to show that the issue was weighing on his mind and he felt the need to address it for whatever reason.  And in typical MLC style... it was a muddled thought process because he was doing things he didn't need to do to fix something that had already been taken care of.   :P
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #89 on: March 07, 2019, 01:21:11 PM »
Bren, I suspect my H promised OW he'd move to her country, or will marry her the minute the D is through, who knows what else.

Savvy, yes, I'm aware that your kids haven't spoken to you in years and I'm really sorry.  It's not ok for our kids to treat us like this. I can understand you reaching a point where you say you are better away from the drama. At a certain point we have to make sense of things just so we can carry on living in a fairly healthy way. I do hope your S moves in while waiting to find a new place to live. It might give you both a chance to reconnect. I would say that he might need it more than he would like to admit.

Unraveled, I know what you're saying. The thought that my D24 (20 at the time) might have cut me off for ever really hurt me. It tormented me. I just kept insisting with my little messages here and there because I would rather have her, wrong as she is,  than not. My D24 has many faults. I don't know if she'll grow up in time to lead a good life. I wash my hands of trying to fix her. She needs to do it herself now, but I want to be part of her life nonetheless. But that is purely my preference.

Kit and DF, thanks for your different take on it. It made me think about what happened from a different point of view. I guess it was weighing on him if he had to promise OW some major thing. I suppose this is a big change. Never before, as far as I know, has he put his foot down with OW for something that mattered to him. H admitted himself to D21 and to the police chief that he couldn't force OW to take away the complaint, but something must have changed in him to insist with her that she do what he needed this time. I think it's quite major actually.

So it's a week since D24 told me that H had sent me the money for her credit card charges, but as yet I've not received a penny. Tomorrow, if there's nothing in my account, I'm going to write to D24. The only positive is that I can trust my intuition. I knew he hadn't paid. The old Milly would be waiting longer, excusing the delay, finding major good reasons why H hadn't paid yet, whilst being walked all over.

So it's the end of another week. I found this week passed very slowly. I've been having some nightmares, the childish kind where someone is breaking in and going to kill me. I used to have these every night when I was a child and teenager. When I married H those nightmares vanished.

S14 has been doing quite well at school, got some good grades in recent tests and that is helping him so much. His tennis is also getting better. He's been standing up for himself and asking his tennis teachers to correct some defects he has. I like that. We have had a very calm and pleasant week together.

I went to the gym twice. This has been my main new year's resolution. I've been so proud of myself for joining. I feel good when I go, maybe it's the endorphins. It's also nice to walk into a place full of people and not have to talk to anyone. It's comforting yet not difficult like a party would be.

I try not to think of my H these days. I still do, but it's much less than before. The big red stop button really calmed me down. I find that keeping busy is very healing for me. This week my work load was slim so I took time to undo some of the boxes I still had sitting around since my move. I have a little third bedroom/study that became my box room. It's cold in there so I haven't wanted to use it anyway.

This week I undid the last boxes and set it up like a proper spare room/study. I filled my car with all the empty boxes. My car is an ugly, utility car that has the trunk the size of a minivan. I call my car Dory, like from Finding Nemo, because my car is big, plain yet so dependable. Dory has helped me through some very difficult situations. I don't know what I would have done without her.

I undid boxes of files from my old business. 15-20 years worth of invoices, chemical analysis on the wines, instructions from the wine maker, tax declarations, old clients and all sorts of rubbish. I can't believe I boxed it up and lugged it to two homes. Tonight, I loaded my car with all these papers and S14 helped me dump them in the rubbish bins. It felt so good, and not only the feeling of having undone the boxes, but of having cleansed myself of all that history.

I do believe that taking on my father's business was too much for my H. It was the financial stress in the final years coupled with both his parents dying within one year from each other that put my H in a full blown crisis. I personally believe that if we hadn't taken on the business, he might have just had a MLT. I also think that I took on my father's business out of a need to fix things for my mother and for my late father. Even if we had had to sell the business because of the finances, as long as my marriage had not blown up, I would have said that it was an amazing experience. But with what has happened to me and the kids, I don't think it was worth it and not only, I see my old business as part of the cause of what's happened.

Just thinking out loud here as I keep progressing on my journey.



Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #90 on: March 07, 2019, 01:28:44 PM »
Milly, its obvious what a caring mom you are and how much this hurts.  In writing your D24, I would stick to the facts, or even phrase it as a question.  I've had to depose a lot of people in my time.  If you charge at people, they shut down.  If you give them just enough information to reach their own conclusion, you see that aha moment. 

I would suggest something like:  "Hope the studies are going well.  I'm sure you are looking forward to your graduation.  You mentioned that your dad sent the payment, but I have not been able to locate it.  Do you happen to know whether he sent a check or posted it to my account so I can follow up on it?  Thanks."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #91 on: March 07, 2019, 02:31:59 PM »
Good for you getting yourself to the gym.  It really does make such a difference.

Don't monkey brain too much. It is what it is... it was what it was. You are doing amazing. Keep moving forward.   

Love the update on S. Getting his feet back under him after a little wobble. That is what being a teenager is all about. Testing the waters and figuring it all out.

Unraveled gave you some good advice for your D.       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #92 on: March 07, 2019, 02:42:08 PM »
Not one of us are surprised that the money isn't there of course  ::)
Unravelled' wording sounds pretty good though. Let your daughter work out for herself that a) he lied to her and b) how she is going to pay you back. No need for a sledgehammer to crack his nuts lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #93 on: March 07, 2019, 02:49:23 PM »
No need for a sledgehammer to crack his nuts lol.

Aw, you're taking all of the fun out if now Treasur!

Milly--I like that plan. Very straight forward, benign note to D about the "missing payment."  And OMG, I love a good purge. It really is the best feeling. You have inspired me to explore my basement this weekend. I am sure there are many things down there that no longer bring me joy. Hmmmm, guess I could add H to that list.

Milly, I always love going to the gym too for that exact reason. we are not alone and yet, there's no pressure to talk to anyone. And I always feel better after I go. Glad you went!

And wow--S sounds like he is really maturing! Amazing how that happens almost overnight right?  And likely a by-product of your stellar parenting!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #94 on: March 08, 2019, 12:54:06 AM »
Milly,

I'm about 18 months behind you in the timeline but I too am beginning to "declutter" stuff, starting with some extra kitchen utensils and clothes and blankets that are just taking up space ... Some went in the bin, some to the clothes donation box... Nothing that really made a visual difference but I felt better, lighter in a way...


So, Marie Kondo it is!

GOOD call from Unraveled.  Just the facts ma'am.... She'll figure it out herself ... quickly.... I would not be surprised if she feels very stressed because she knows that SHE owes you the money, not H....
« Last Edit: March 08, 2019, 12:58:42 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #95 on: March 10, 2019, 12:08:02 AM »
More problems.

I received an email from my L yesterday, forwarding a document from H's L. H is suing me for all the money he put into our old home/business in the years we lived there, this includes some mortgages payments, repairs, remodeling, etc, that came out of his account. I'm going out of my head! This is never going to end. He is trying to annihilate me.

I didn't come out with much from the sale of my property once I paid off all the debt and taxes. The little I made, I made because of my abilities. If it had been up to H, we would have gone bankrupt. I prevented that from happening. Now he wants practically all I made. He will attempt to force me to sell my little apartment in the village to pay him!

I am going to have to pay another L, more wasted money! It will cost me at least €5000 to defend myself, money that would pay for most of D21's rent for a year at university.

I am very, very stressed about this. My L said I have to go in and see her this week and discuss this. Even going in to my L is stressful. I've had 4 years of legal matters. Just last Monday, 4th March, I went into the police station to sign off on H and OW's complaint against me and D21. The document from H's L with H's signature on it is dated 4th March. Is there a connection here?

This is 3 days after D24 said her father said he repaid me for the credit card charges, which he hasn't yet paid. What is going on?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #96 on: March 10, 2019, 12:18:07 AM »
I am so sorry, Milly.
I suspect - from the cheap seats over here - the facts you know suggest two things. One is that he is in a financial pickle, probably even worse than you thought. Second is that in his head you are mummy milly with all the money and good luck he does not have, a nice dollop of mr sadz. Oh, and I'd guess more legal stuff like this is another way to delay the actual divorce if I recall how the system works there? Which is bonkers but very MLC isn't it? In a weird way, I suspect he isn't trying to annihilate you...he is just in a desparate financial mess and thinks you owe him a rescue  ::)

Breathe.
All you can do is remove your gloves and follow your l's advice on how to fight for yourself.
Limit any contact with him. Don't try to involve your kids but don't cover up for him either. He is being an unreasonable deceitful PoS. Probably make sure your L has copies of the recent email exchanges with him and your daughter about the card money too. You have all the facts and paperwork you need already about your affairs, some you have probably chosen not to use, all the documentation about his failure to pay child support for instance. So, time to get very tough indeed now for your kids if nothing else.
And breathe again.
You have already survived and got past much worse than this. You will get past this too.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 12:22:13 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Keep believing

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #97 on: March 10, 2019, 03:55:40 AM »
Ah, now we know why he dropped the charges.   If they do something good then boom hit with other mlc tactics. He is just looking for simple easy money. Nothing against you personnally. He is not lookingat you as a person. ( not trying to be mean) he just wants money.   And how can he afford his lawyer?   Ask him if you too can save money and handle this out of court.   I bet nothing wil happen then.  When my h mentions sometihng like this ., i say then we need to get lawyers again.   He dropsthe subject.

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #98 on: March 10, 2019, 04:00:49 AM »
Milly -- my own experience was that my H was in financial difficulties much worse than I could have imagined, and this kind of thing happened to me.  He wasn't trying to annihilate me per se, just, as treasur says, for whatever reason thought I owed him a rescue.  This kept going until the last financial tie was severed, and that took years. 

My H, too, said things like "I don't have anything, you got it all", and so on; probably because when he stopped paying anything at all even towards the children while they were still under 18 I still found a way to keep our heads above water.  I protected as much as I could, he, for whatever MLC reason, saw that as money he could use to get himself out of a hole. 

For me it was total disbelief that he was in such a mess, I truly had no idea, and even when he said "this sorts it now" I found out later that again and again it was worse. 

I completely agree with everything treasur says about calmly and cooly taking a deep breath and getting your ducks in a row (I know, again...) and not responding emotionally at least officially.   

This isn't a time to be kind and loving; not outwardly nasty either, but very straight and clear that his difficulties aren't yours.

you got this, Milly -- you have grown and learned so much over the past few years that you may even surprise yourself how calmly you can handle this; I know that I did when I had to sit down once to discuss this, thinking I was going to be in pieces and finding that I had a huge bar of steel in me, I just said no to unreasonable things without going "What on earth???". 

Keep going....   you will do it.   

Offline serenity

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #99 on: March 10, 2019, 04:05:28 AM »
Hello Milly

Sorry things continue to be just awful for you. All sounded very familiar to me and probably a lot of us here!

I lost so much money to my MLCer. I got less than half the money out of home. He used to tell anyone he gave me everything. He also demanded I pay half his debts off as I was apparently ‘high maintenace’ I’m the least high maintenance person I know - don’t even go to hairdressers!

Hang in there Milly. Knuckle down and fight back. I stupidly rolled over and let my H run the whole show! So I lost so much as a result

Hugs

X

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #100 on: March 10, 2019, 04:54:20 AM »
Oh Milly I'm so so sorry you are going thru more MLC poop. 

I agree with Treasur.  He's probably in a financial mess and see you as the answer and problem.  Mr. YROT assumed my parents were financially supporting me, they were not.  Since he told everyone I couldn't manage money and spent wildly  I would be homeless when he left. I wasn't.  I was doing better without him. 

S26 told me I made it look too easy while his dad is struggling.  Your husband may envy your accomplishments and finances. It's more of the poor pitiful long suffering MLC-er.  This is another needless issue that you will get thru. 

So sorry friend.   



« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 05:56:24 AM by Yellowroseoftexas »
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Puzzled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #101 on: March 10, 2019, 05:43:10 AM »
I'm sorry that your H is so unreasonable.  I, too, suspect that he is in a big financial mess and is trying to get some money out of you.  His MLC lifestyle is costly.

I heard from my H, too, that I have so much (compared to him) so it's maybe MLC script that they feel like victims.  Today, H and I want to discuss the settlement over the phone, and he suggested this morning to go a different route with appraising the value of our home, i.e. of not honoring the agreement we already made.  I guess he didn't like the numbers of what I'd need to pay him out.

It feels disheartening.  However, only because an MLC H is unreasonable and a lawyer willing to take their money to make claims, doesn't mean that they'll get what they want.  So I'm trying to follow the advice you were also given: I'm adjusting my business hat and am taking deep breaths.

Hugs to you, Milly!
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline Unraveled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #102 on: March 10, 2019, 08:41:25 AM »
Milly, I'm sorry he continues to do this stuff.  It really is all about him, and nothing about you.

While it may be that it is about money and a desire for money, he is a lawyer isn't he (I believe patent law) and doubtless understands how expensive litigation is, that you can't get blood from a stone, and that he hasn't faired particularly well in the legal actions between you guys so far.  I think you may have been onto something when you thought previously that this is about what he has to pay you in child support, how that sticks in his craw, and his efforts to escape that payment.

We all toss around the word narcissism in relation to our spouses, but you and a couple of others I think may in fact be dealing with actual narcissists rather than narcissistic traits exacerbated during times of stress.  There are a million articles on how narcissists handle divorce (no matter who wanted it).  They use the court system over and over again.  They will try to "win" at all costs.  They weaponize their children.  As a lawyer he should know better than to continue involving the legal system in these issues. 

I think you have to meet action with action.  This isn't showing vulnerability and reaching out.  This is a go for the throat kind of action.  I think you need to meet this with cold, steely, detached determination.  If he senses for a moment that you are bothered by this, he will keep doing it.  Make sure you don't say anything to the kids.  They don't need to be a part of this and it will just show him that he has gotten to you.

I don't understand your system there and why he can sue for something that seems like it should be related to the property and support disposition in the divorce.  But I would talk to your lawyer about what kinds of counter-claims you can bring.  I think that you did that in the case with you and your daughter probably helped achieve the neutral outcome.  Here anyway, judges like to split the baby.  So if he can claim damages of $20,000 and you can show an offset of the same amount, nothing is going to happen.

If he is going to ask for contributions for your house and property, can you establish benefits that he received from the marriage from the same property?  Did you guys live there without payment or a lower payment because of the equity in the place?  Did it generate revenue that got turned around and used on the family, including him?  Anything you can do to show that he enjoyed the benefit of that.

Also, I think adultery is common in Italy, but obviously its also a pretty Catholic place.  Are there laws or statutes you can use to bring the OW spending into this?  Here in the US in most jurisdictions you can show community waste if one of the parties is spending community funds on a third party?  Are there causes of action for alienation of affection?  Could you bring her in as a party for essentially "stealing" your husband and causing the financial harms you have suffered?

I would also try to find some kind of action for fraud for the things like the Christmas money, the credit card money.  He has involved your children in monetary situations where you had to pay up or risk them being emotionally harmed.  Also figure out if there is anything else you can do about the years of support he hasn't paid as offsetting any contributions.

I would talk to your lawyer, be very creative.  It seems that he is big on filing these things and then lets them sit there a long time.  I'd hit him with a robust counter-claim and give him something to worry about, and then forget it as best I could until he started actually litigating the case.

Now is the time for him to see tough as nails Milly, you've pushed me too far Milly, and like meets like Milly.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #103 on: March 10, 2019, 08:45:05 AM »
Also, I wouldn't let him in your house anymore or know anything about your finances, such as purchasing your rental.  You don't need him taking an inventory of what he thinks you have that he doesn't.  That part I would speak gently to the kids about.  That you guys are separated and what goes on in your household is not his concern and vice versa.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #104 on: March 10, 2019, 09:41:28 AM »
Wow Milly, this is disgusting, I’m appalled on your behalf 😳

So because you worked your butt off saving the business from bankruptcy, managed to sell the business and secure yourself a job and bought an investment property and looked after your children - rather than flying around the world, spending a fortune on a worthless AD ow, abandoning his children, he wants to penalise you ??!!! I can’t understand why a lawyer would even consider fighting for this ridiculous man, it sounds insane 😳

I’m dreading going through the financial / legal stuff and hearing how your MLCH is behaving makes me terrified

He sounds like he’s absolutely broken ( as well as broke 😳). I imagine he’s getting grief from ow who appears to wants a certain lifestyle to be provided by your MLCH, and I imagine she’s dripping poison in his ear. A woman who is prepared to prosecute their affair partners child is not a decent person !!!

In a strange sort of way he’s admitting he can survive without you 😳 I’m in trouble, I’ll get Milly to bail me out and if Milly won’t do it voluntarily, I’ll go to whatever extremes I can to make her 😳

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. You’ve received some good advice here,  Try to stay calm ( pretty impossible I imagine, but please try ) and see what your lawyer says
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 09:42:33 AM by Still Half full »
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline forthetrees

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #105 on: March 10, 2019, 11:24:01 AM »
Do you really think he has the paperwork to show the money trail from his accounts to shared payments?
Since he was living there and benefiting from the payments, how can he justify this suit?
Remember, money is fungible. If you can show that you paid xyz because he had contributed abc, then his contributions blend into being living expenses for both of you. If he´s going to take this approach, I´d ask your lawyer if you can demand all of his expenses since leaving- which will show all the lost funds to maintain ow.

Put on your hard core business hat and don´t let him erode your finances.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #106 on: March 10, 2019, 11:31:22 AM »
I agree....marital funds used to finance his ow life and trips and fun times...bet that adds up to a lot.
And his contributions vs yours to both daughters higher education costs?
Actually, could you counter sue that HIS abandonment and siphoning of marital resources contributed to the need to sell the business at a fire sale cost ergo loss or contributed to the business being unsustainable?

Can you tell Milly that a lot of us want to give your h a bit of a financial and legal enema?  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #107 on: March 10, 2019, 02:43:18 PM »
Hello,

I am not up to date on European courts and business practices in regards to divorce and child support.

However, it seems he is just filing a frivilous lawsuit against you. During the separation of the business, there should have been a date when the assets were divided based upon the value of the business at the time of the separation.

For examples if the business was worth $100 euros at the time of the division, he gets 50 euros regardless of how much he put into the business. Just because you have added value to the business since the division of assets, he can't come after you for more.

Just like my ex can't ask me for more money since the home I bought her out of has gained value since the divorce. I bought her out. Her name is no longer on the title. Go hire the most expensive lawyer in town and I will still prevail.

I agree with everyone else that you need to file a counterclaim. Break his balls. Show how he has not made is child support payments and you had to bail out D24. Show emails where he promised to pay you back.

Also see if you can file a "vexatious litigation" proceed against him as well. In our system, if your ex is deemed such, he can only bring forth a matter against you after a judge has reviewed the merit of the claim. It is like going to court so you can go to court. He is responsible for the entire cost of the hearing. It doesn't happen often but judges begin to take note when a motion is brought for regarding vexatious litigants.

I wish I knew more about your system. I rather think that with some advice from an attorney, you may be able to represent yourself in this matter.

Something to think about,

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #108 on: March 10, 2019, 03:20:16 PM »
Milly I am so sorry that your Mlcer is still causing havoc with his Mlcer antics.  It is appalling and very disappointing, yet they do continue to surprise us.  These antics clearly prove how out of touch with reality they are! 

You and I are on similiar timelines.  We too have finalised our property settlement 1-1/2 years ago.  I have recently been rocked by my ExH refusing to be accountable for any part of a $97k Income Tax Bill incurred by our Family Trust.   Unfortunately this is now to be distributed to myself and my two sons.  My sons are both apprentices so they don’t earn alot of money - so ExH knows that I will have to pay any tax debts incurred by the boys. I am sick of fighting - legally and emotionally.  I don’t understand why the Mlcer needs to continuously hurt us...when is enough?

My Mlcer prior to BD was never focused on money whatsoever...sadly somewhere during the MLC metamorphosis process his brain cells have been fried and money is his main focus now.  He does not care who he hurts or any immoral ethics that he undertakes to have a financial gain. 

I agree with the others to follow the advise of your Lawyer.

I really don’t understand what motivates them to continuously hurt us?  I seriously no longer have the strength to fight him anymore.  I guess what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?

Sending Hugs and Strength to you Milly!  Just another MLC Curve Ball sent your way!
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 03:48:52 PM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online One day at a time

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #109 on: March 10, 2019, 07:27:46 PM »
Milly, I'm very sorry to hear the latest crazy blow from your MLCer. He sounds desperate for money.. I don't know enough about the legalities so can't offer much advice, I think the others have already given you very good tips that might help your case.

Sending you strength and hugs!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #110 on: March 11, 2019, 03:17:40 AM »
Thank you so much all you wonderful friends Treasur, Keep, Trust, Serenity, Yellow, Puzzled, Unraveled, still, Ready, Bren, and One day for your support and really helpful advice.

I have to say that this information completely ruined any hopes I had of making this past weekend a step forward for myself. You all know how it feels to get another blow. It sinks you, makes you feel heavy, almost doomed to living in a funk.

I have read your advice very slowly and repeatedly. I have written to my L giving her my availability for an appointment. I also told her that I think I'm going to have to counter sue, or threaten to, just so that she knows in advance what I'm considering.

Unraveled, thank you so much for all the great advice you gave me. I looked up narcissists, especially going through a D, and unfortunately my H matches every description. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that my H might always have been a narcissist, and not just during MLC. Symptoms were always there but I ignored them, or not knowing what they meant, I didn't think that he could be as callous as he was appearing to be.

I have been reading some of the websites that give advice on how to handle a D with a narcissist and have ordered a book written by what seem like very reputable people, a  L with 30 years experience in D, and a Harvard psychiatrist. They give advice on how to deal with a D with a narcissist. From what I've learnt reading the sites, a narcissist will not let the D end. He has to win at all costs and that means no sharing whatsoever, even towards the kids. Any maintenance is losing to him. A narcissist will keep putting his point forward (the same old point) insistently even though it's getting him nowhere. A narcissist might even represent himself, which my H did one time. My H practices patent law, which is not regular L, but it does mean he's familiar with legal terms and argumentation. His (day) job is to find the little loophole in the document so no doubt he's been spending hours doing just that with our settlement.

Ready, the property was in my name so he was not entitled to anything. Now he claims that he should get back the money he put in while he lived there. I guess he thinks he should have live for free.

Bren, I'm sorry you are having to fork out for what should have been shared taxes on your fund. That's terrible and I completely understand how it would feel to get that news and realize there's nothing much you can do but suck it up. That's pretty much how I felt about having to maintain my kids these past 5 years. I could have bought a couple of small properties with the money and had an income coming in now.

I am going to do as some of you suggested, which is to list as many of the expenses I incurred while we were in my old property (14 years by the time he left) and see if I can offset it to the expenses he's claiming. I will also make a list of all the expenses I've incurred for the kids since he left and add every single thing I can think of.

My other option is to sue him again for lack of maintenance since beginning of 2017. I won a case against him 18 months ago. That case was for lack of maintenance since 2015. At the time they said that unless he paid me damages within 12 months he could serve 6 months in prison. He's managed to avoid that so far by appealing the sentence.  I can however take him to court again for the very same reason. If he loses again, he will definitely be sent to prison. Do I want to do that to the father of my children? I just can't get my head around it. My girl friend says, well he's doing this to the mother of his children. I certainly can't risk losing what I've gained with my hard work.

Treasur, I also like your idea of suing H for putting me in a position of having to sell my old property at a low price because I couldn't afford to keep the business going and maintain my kids because of his lack of maintenance. I'm going to ask my L about that, too. I have two lawyers actually, one for the D (a lady L) and one for when I sued H for lack of maintenance and to make the complaint against H and OW to protect D21 and I. This L is a man. They are both great lawyers with great reputations. In this I've been lucky. I'm going to talk to both of them since they have different ways of approaching situations.

And Treasur, you gave me a little laugh with your enema comment. That's always good.

You've all managed to convince me that my H is just very desperate for money right now. Sadly, he doesn't get it that his money problems are self inflicted. He's still not downsizing or changing his life style. He's just looking for me to resolve his problems of today, so he can get himself in the very same mess again in the future. 

Saw my girlfriend yesterday and told her a little about this. She's been through a D and is very business savvy. She said that I should drag out the situation, as in reply slowly to his accusations, even completely ignore them. She said years could pass like this. It's not a bad idea. I will ask my L about this, too. Years can make a big difference to MLCers. He could be on the streets by then if he doesn't do something to resolve his finances on his own.

I will keep you informed and please, if you have any other advice or ideas, please keep giving them to me.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #111 on: March 11, 2019, 03:47:48 AM »
Milly,

My advice goes a bit along with others in regards to offsetting or countersuing....

If he wants to play hardball, he should get the bat inserted where the sun don't shine.....

The comment form your GF "well, he's doing this to the mother of his children" is SPOT-ON... That is what are called "consequences." He has NOT followed the legal requirements of the court so the consequences of that are HIS responsibility and if that means he ends up being locked away for a bit, well, he should have done what he was ordered to do....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #112 on: March 11, 2019, 03:56:42 AM »
The only other thing that occurs to me, Milly, is to think about what YOU want before you talk to Ls or make any decisions.
Not about what you want legally or with regard to your h, but what you are trying to create and build for your life, what you would like life to unfurl into in a couple of years say.
Only reason why I say that is a wood for the trees thing...that your h's legal actions kind of draw you towards a playing field defined by him...and that might not be where you want to be or it might be a distraction from better things. No different really than the ow restaurant case or the recent cc thing. He does x so to protect yourself or your kids you have to do y or z. I wonder if there are some options around not doing anything, or doing b instead of y, or even doing your own version of x so he has to react to your playing field?
No idea what that would look like but it might be worth a muse in the context of Milly' dreams for Milly rather than your h's tantrums and disappointments? And might help the Ls get creative if they know where you are aiming to get longer term?
Just a thought.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #113 on: March 11, 2019, 04:31:04 AM »
So sorry you are going through this Milly.  I always feel as if I just get to a place where life is beginning to calm down and xH sends me yet another threatening letter which puts me in a spin.  The feeling is horrible and it takes a while to get yourself back on track with your emotional thinking.  That's where many of the great people here can see through the BS and help you out.

It really doesn't matter why he's doing this, you need to put your 'business' hat on and be really tough.  I love what unraveled said about your situation and would definitely take her advice. 

If I had my financial settlement time all over again, I would get the best lawyer I could afford, one with the best reputation for fighting really hard for you.  In the end it makes an enormous difference and I am sure the judges know the best lawyers and it does cloud their decision even if they are supposed to be impartial. I would have saved thousands if I'd had a decent lawyer, one who played dirty if it was necessary.  XH has a particularly nasty lawyer, he wasn't as smart as he thought but he used to write the nastiest letters imaginable.  I thought this would go against xH when in court, but the opposite happened.  My 'nice' lawyer, the one who just kept telling me to turn the other cheek, was viewed as weak and xH's lawyer seemingly got away with writing the most horrible lies in the letters and NOTHING ever happened to him for it, not even a warning.  It was incredible and immensely unfair.  It opened my eyes to the legal world for sure.

My advice now would be to sling as much mud as you can, it does seem to stick.  My xH made up incredible lies about me gambling, drinking and spending money and it does have an impact even if it isn't true. It cost me thousands to prove he was lying, so incredibly unfair.  My advice would now to be to fight as dirty as he does.  Unfortunately nice people don't win in court.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Still Half full

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #114 on: March 11, 2019, 04:43:38 AM »
I’m glad that the advice from so many of the knowledgeable guys here has helped, what they’ve said makes a lot of sense

It sounds to me like you’ve now got some info, that are like tools for your tool box, on some of the different ways you can approach this, which always makes me feel better

I agree that I wouldn’t rush into doing anything just yet, gather information from your lawyers, more tools 😊, and work out what is best for you.

You ve shown how competent you are with how you’ve already dealt with things, whereas your MLCH appears to be floundering and getting into more and more of a mess. He sounds like he’s grasping at straws and the picture that UM posted about the guy in quicksand seems very apt

It’s not your job to fix him ( so hard to remember ) and you have to protect yourself. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and Milly can not be bullied. Stay strong 😊
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #115 on: March 11, 2019, 09:45:04 AM »
I am so sorry, Milly.

Breathe. Speak to a lawyer. No emotional replies and, if possible, no personal replies at all. Leave it to a lawyer.

Your husband is either in desperated need of money or wants to keep attached to you - court cases are a way of attachement. Or both. He is also in need of drama.

Agree with thinking about what you want before speaking with a lawyer.

Some MLCers have a way of never letting go and using courts/legal issues to keep attached to the LBS. Mr J is one of those as well. Tiring, annoying and expensive.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #116 on: March 11, 2019, 10:23:02 AM »
UM, Treasur, Savvy, Still, and Anjae thanks for agreeing with the others and offering more advice and alternatives. The more of you validate what others say or what I'm thinking, the easier it is for me to make a decision.

I'm seeing my L Thursday, first thing. I wish it were sooner.

Anjae, you know I did write to emails to my H when I first got the notice, but I didn't send them. I'm sure you're all letting out a sigh of relief. The first one I wrote was mean, offensive, called him selfish, manipulative, stingy (because OW called him that in one of her emails), a bully. Went on and on about how he wanted to destroy me and the kids because they're attached to me. Told him his mess were consequences of him financial lack of responsibility before and after BD. Told him, we had a chance to resolve our financial problems in February 2014 but he ignored that offer because he was having fun elsewhere and all he was thinking of was walking out on me.

Second email was the gentle version and couldn't he see that if he won I'd be on the streets and even if that's what he wanted, the kids would never get over that.

Anyway, luckily I decided to sleep on it. Actually, I wrote to D21 telling her I really wanted to send a message to H. She said to wait and think about it since sending messages in the past hand't got me anything. By the next morning, I was glad I hadn't sent either one.

I'm going atomic NC, as Treasur calls it. I'm not sure that he did any of this to get me to contact him, but I'm sure he was expecting a reaction from me as in one of my usual angry messages.  I'm realizing, finally, that whether it be one of my messages that I think I'm sending truth darts, or whether I send a kind, considerate message, my H just keeps on his self focused path. The 'firetruck you' I got after my thoughtful message with the credit card business was really an eye opener for me.

I will take your advice and not say anything to him. I will go through the L. I hope I can stay determined to keep up this NC. 
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #117 on: March 11, 2019, 10:36:00 AM »
Oh Milly--your H is truly an a$$hat isn't he??  And in financial dire straits it seems. This is a most desperate measure.  I'd like to join in on giving him that enema too! Jerk.

I am so proud of you for not sending the e-mails. You know I probably would have. You are far more mature than me clearly. But still, an e-mail or any communication at this point is warranted under normal circumstance. Of course, silence is golden and in many settings, louder than the loudest of screams. Knowing this is what really helps me when I am a mood to "communicate" my feelings.

I like the delay tactic offered up. I also like the counter-suit, which I am sure your L will suggest. I mean, he still owes you form 2015. And S13 is till a minor.  Careful what you wish for H--Milly is not shrinking violent.

I am sorry though that you had to deal with this. It is truly traumatic. And scary at first b/c of the unknown. But you will get through this too. Much stronger and wiser. And H will continue his downward spiral. So awful how low they become. Hugs friend. I know you can do this!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #118 on: March 11, 2019, 10:48:35 AM »
Milly, it is perfectly fine to write less kind e-mails to the MLCer if we never send them. Or pour all our anger and frustration into a journal. On or HS. Anything but sending it to the MLCer.

I think they do it to have some contact. Any contact or reaction, even a bad, angry one is better than none. MCers need drama. NC/ignoring them is not something some of them like. But it is something that can allow the LBS space and some peace of mind.

We need to protect ourselves. Some MLCers go to extreme levels of crazy and manipulation and for some their crisis last many years. We need to take very good care of ourselves. There is nothing we can do for them, other than leave them to it.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline forthetrees

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #119 on: March 11, 2019, 02:31:04 PM »
Just wondering- since you have not acknowledged receipt of h´s email, does he have a way of knowing that you received it? I ask b/c there´s a possibility that if his lawyer does not officially serve you with the lawsuit, it is not in effect. If that´s the case, avoid servers and don´t accept certified mail:)
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online CanLetGo

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #120 on: March 11, 2019, 08:26:15 PM »
Sorry for what you are going through Milly, what a shock to receive that. Hopefully L gives you good advice, you have received great advice and opinions here too to ponder what might be a good way to go. It just seems so unjust to me, the indignance of h, how he can make these claims, when it seems he just flies around whenever he feels like it while you are home looking after S, working your butt off and trying your best to survive. Ridiculous. Much love to you, think the world of you x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Keep believing

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #121 on: March 12, 2019, 01:55:00 AM »
Milly,  wow . all of these comments are great advice.  I think by going atomic nc is the best thing you can do at this point as of right now. I do think this is a way of him attaching to you. nc is great for your stitch right now and if he is a true narc, they absolutely hate to be ignored. He is probably looking for that narc supply.  hold on to you milly.  you can do this. when you get that weak feeling , remember the mean things he did to keep strong.

Offline Thunder

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #122 on: March 12, 2019, 07:00:14 AM »
Milly, just catching up and I am so sorry your H is doing this.

Maybe it would scare him if you counter sued for back child support, and the money he owes you.  He just might like that, but oh well.  Fair is fair.
(I also wonder where he is getting money to pay a L if he's so broke.)

Fight em' Milly.   ;)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #123 on: March 14, 2019, 03:17:07 PM »
Thank you all for your support, Kit, Anjae, For, CLG, Keep, and Thunder. I am going to fight back!

Keep, thanks for the advice on how to stop myself from contacting H if I should have a weak moment.

CLG, thanks for the sweet words.

For, you know, my girlfriend said the same thing as you when she came this weekend. Unfortunately, in Italy we have a new email system whereby if you have a business or vat number, you have a particular email address. I don't know what it's called in English. On this email address, you can be reached by the tax people or an invoice can be sent to you, also any debts, fines, and claims. If a complaint is made to someone on this particular email system (I am also self employed), it doesn't need a signature. It's automatically assumed it's received.

Anjae, I know you're right, even though in the past I wasn't able to control myself about writing to my H, especially when I was furious. I do feel so much more in control of everything by not having written to him this time. Actually, it's the first time I haven't reacted. And writing the emails out was helpful. It was a relief, even though I never sent them. I am still skeptical about H suing me to keep up contact, just because I struggle to think that my H wants anything to do with me any more. I tell myself it's just about money. However, I do respect your opinion very much, so I don't dispute it.

So, I saw my L this morning. I was so worried about it all week. She was kind and optimistic. She said that this kind of trial will take a few years, at least 5. She said that is if he actually files. Right now it's a threat. It is a communication from H's L stating that his client has asked him to present this particular case against me.  I believe my H will file so best to be prepared.

My L said we're going to do what several of you said, we are going to delay it as long as possible, and get our attack ready in the mean time just in case.

I'm going to go through my bank statements for the last 10 years, and put down any expenses I paid for, or the business paid for the family while H was at home. We are going to claim these expenses against H's. L says that even if worst comes to happen and judge allows him some expenses, it will not be the total he is requesting. She said in a marriage, not a 6 months registry office kind of marriage, but a 20 year, married in church, 3 kid kind of marriage it is generally accepted in the legal world, that money spent by a spouse while married is a 'donation' unless the spouse specifically said they wanted back at the time they spent the money.

She said that we won't counter sue as such but that she is going to make an immediate request to the judge in our separation hearing to prolong the garnishing of H's wages for the extra maintenance H owes these past 18 months since the last case.

I told my L about the credit card business with D24, and she said fine, we're going to slap him with the extra maintenance immediately. If he's going to take it from one side, we'll take it from the other. I do like her.

She told me that H's L said that if H doesn't pay him, he's going to drop him. This L is H's third. The thing is that in Italy you don't give a L an advance, you pay as you go. H could come up with dribbles of money to pay his L.

There is one major risk for me, though. H could make a claim on my little flat in the village until the case is resolved. He hasn't done it yet, but he could. If he does, I can't sell the property because it will show up that a third party has a claim on it. My plans were to sell the flat in a couple of years and buy something bigger. If H makes the claim, I won't be able to. I will still be able to rent it out though. I'm annoyed because while I'm making progress and trying to improve my finances, H is blocking me from moving forward. He was like this during our marriage, too.

My L said that this new complaint will not affect the separation but that the judge could take a few years to come back with his final judgement and that the longer the better for us. She told me that in her final response for the separation she wrote pages of stuff. She said that in Italy they (lawyers) have a saying: she gave the judge the slave's list. She means she threw everything she could come up with at H.

I'm feeling much better today after seeing my L. I don't feel an immediate disaster coming after all. I can breathe a little.

Because I was seeing my L first thing this morning, and S14 was going in late to school today because a teacher was absent, S asked H to take him to school. H said ok. S hasn't seen him in 2 months. H is here and has been for a while, but never asked to see S.

S tells me tonight that H came into the house. H just opened the door and walked in. Right when he came in, H made a fuss of our dog, calling her by name. Then he called out for S14. S said he was upstairs. H asked if he could come up. S said yes. H walked into his room and said 'this is really a nice room, isn't it?' S said yes. H then peaked into my room, which is an open plan room divided into a sleeping section behind a screen and a study area right as you walk in. S told me H walked into my study area and looked out the window and said 'that's nice to look over the pool.'

I don't mind. I prefer H see my little world, because it's lovely. I'm atomic NC so he's not getting anything from me, but I think from the outside it might look like I'm doing good. It wouldn't do me any harm to have him think this whilst he thinks he's destroying me.

You know, it's really curious how a MLCer like my H can be suing me for everything I have, causing me extra legal expenses, causing me additional stress, yet he's still interested in seeing the inside of my living space. I was certain in my head that he'd make a point (to himself) to not be interested in my house any more, and sit in his car like a lump. This is what he would do in the past and phone or text S14 to come out. So I'm surprised, especially in view of the credit card crap and firetruck you email, and then this suing threat.

Tomorrow morning I see my IC. I booked her on purpose the day after seeing my L. Thank goodness for these two ladies who are a major part of my support system.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenity

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #124 on: March 14, 2019, 03:27:40 PM »
Hi Milly

Sorry things are tough but I’m sure you can see the confusion with your H?

The friend i posted about on my thread whose H wants to go home literally only told her last week that he only wanted to speak through solicitors now and they must speed the divorce up! Now he’s begging to come back! Just so much confusion and he’s constantly crying!

Hugs

X

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #125 on: March 14, 2019, 03:28:46 PM »
Wow, Serenity, thanks for that information on your friend.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #126 on: March 14, 2019, 03:37:57 PM »
Like the sound of your lawyer, Milly. And really like the sound of where your head is at even more.

Your h is beyond doubt an idiot. Everything your L said to you about how to counterclaim, that it could take years....his L would have warned him. Potentially years of legal fees and for what? Doesn't sound much like a happy successful man keen to finalise his divorce to get on with his new life to me...sounds like a train wreck flailing around for someone to blame or rescue him. It is amazing to me how previously intelligent spouses become so phenomenally stupid.....but you are looking like a good example of how the LBS tortoise starts to pull ahead after a few years while the MLCer's new happy starts to look like not so great at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #127 on: March 14, 2019, 03:39:06 PM »
Milly, several of us, myself included, sent things we shouldn't to the MLCer. In the grand scheme of MLC it will not matter. They forget most things. If we can avoid doing it again, it is better since nothing good for us comes of it.

Your husband wants to be close, even if he does not know it. Court cases are a form of attachement. Several here are dealing, or have dealt, with a MLCer that does not let go and keeps running to court. Or threatning to do so. Is it healthy contact? No. But it is contact. Contact of a type that is of no help to anyone.

MLCers need drama. They try to upset the LBS as much as possible. No one tries to upset someone they are indifferent to. Does it means the deep in crisis MLCer loves us? Not necessarly, their crisis self may hates us. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.

Courts over there are pretty much like over here. Anything takes years and years. Husband may not to a thing, but if he does, you and your lawyer are ready for it.

It is funny, isn't it, husband still wants to see inside your living space. Never mind he is taking you to court for everything. Mr J also wanted to see me, etc. Nope, no. He cannot take me to court, present fake evidence to court, lie to court, never pay a cent and want to see me or wanting me to be up to chat with him for hours on end.

He has been trying to see me again since early 2016 with his "exchange things" excuse. There is nothing to exchange. By personal belongings are mine, our joint things would be to be split.

MLCers, phew.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #128 on: March 15, 2019, 02:18:07 AM »
Milly,

A thought occurred to me (I know, I know, amazing, right?)

H wanted to see how you were living and evidently showed some appreciation....

Meanwhile he is threatening to sue you.... And he managed to get OW to drop the case against D21....

Is it just me or does this whole lawsuit thing have OW's paw prints all over it? it seems to me as if she is the one egging all this on... especially since H appears to be running out of money... Can't have THAT impacting her life in Schmoopieland now, can we? Not when there is money to be stolen from somewhere... the fact that H's lawyer is threatening to quit due to non-payment also speaks volumes... I wonder if OW is fronting the money for that too...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #129 on: March 15, 2019, 03:25:16 AM »
Awful that we have to think this way, but given the legal hoo ha, is it worth telling your son that his father is NOT allowed in the house if you are not there? Bc unfortunately we know MLCers snoop, steal and manipulate information.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #130 on: March 15, 2019, 03:49:18 AM »
I had the same thought as Treasur on the snooping Milly. Looks like instead of appreciating how well you’ve done for yourself in his absense, he is resenting it and wants a piece. I agree it is likely OWs influence but since he’s under her control now, he will do what it takes to keep her appeased.  But as we all know, these mlcers can absolutely turn on a dime and change their minds immediately. His current bully personality probability thinks Milly will just cave and give him the money. Boy is he in for a rude awakening!

I’m glad your L was able to explain everything. Always better when we have the facts and not just go on our own speculations, which are always D-Day, worst case scenario. Also happy you are protecting yourself accordingly. Honestly I’m not too convinced H will follow thru on the actual lawsuit. This smacks of OWs greed, not just for money and materialistic things, but for whatever Milly has. OWs mask is cracking big time. Atomic NC yes! Your strength is showing like a beacon. I am in awe.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 03:50:51 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #131 on: March 15, 2019, 04:10:19 AM »
I suspect the two things are related, but don't think it is driven by ow other than your h's wish to pony up cash to meet her expectations. I wonder if more likely he did a deal with her...drop the old case so I can have a better chance with the new one and get some cash.....

And of course bc walls work both ways, your h still thinks of you as the old Milly not the LBS-toughened one, so he probably expects you to react like you used to.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 04:11:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #132 on: March 16, 2019, 02:36:25 AM »
Major long Milly post. Feel free to skip parts!

Treasur, you make a good point when you say that everything my L said to me about what to expect from this case, H's L will have said to him, too. You put it perfectly when you call him a train wreck looking for someone to rescue him. I completely sense that he is searching for someone to rescue him. I do believe this is a core problem for him, this needing rescuing. He really needs to resolve this (finances/life style) himself. I believe if he does, he will feel so good about himself, maybe like never before.

It seems like a major coincidence that the day I signed off on his and OW's case against D21 and me, he opens a new case against me. I have wondered if it was a deal with OW. I can't imagine he'd be wanting to pay L fees for ever, but he is a desperate man so might be under the illusion that he could win and get all that money.

Anjae, certainly for someone who hates me, H can't seem to get rid of me. His perpetual suing is keeping me connected in that negative way the MLCers thrive on, the drama. Unfortunately, I have to defend myself and am forced to be dragged into the court cases by him. I have thought that if I were a millionaire, I could just say here's the money, sign off on asking me for any ever again, and that would be that. But as the case against D and I showed, he's going to come after me for anything he can, at least as long as he's with this OW. What I fear, for want of a better word, is that all the suing OW forced H to do (case against D21 was certainly OW's doing), is only making H feel worse about what he's done to us all and keeping him in Replay so he avoids facing it.

UM, I have wondered some of the things you're saying, too. It really could be OW pushing, since she's the one who pushes for the suing stuff, and possibly she's funding it. I hadn't thought about that. Certainly it seems very odd behaviour to sue someone and then want to look inside their home and their bedroom?

Kit, your opinion means a lot to me. I suspect when H looks in my home it will be a mixture of 'how lovely' and resentment. I'm going to take the view that this is part of the journey he goes through in his crisis, that is if he doesn't become stuck. They have to see their losses. The first losses are material ones. He might think I'm in the money but what I have is so much less than what I had before. The house I'm in is rented as you all know, and he does, too. The furniture is our old furniture with a couple of new rugs and a pink fridge. As you and Treasur say, he could very well be snooping to use against me. I'm not frightened. Kit and Treasur know Milly, she's not going to hand it all over to him like she woulda before!

Seeing my L and my IC has grounded me. I'm in a better place this weekend. I'm more the 'bring it on, H!' train of thought at the minute. And I'm more resolved than ever to keep atomic NC.

H's is in the area. Yesterday, S14 asked H to drive him to his training as school was closed and I had a tasting. S said maybe they could have lunch together first and then go to practice. H first said he had a lot of work to do and would see, what time was S's training. That was the night before. By morning, H's tone had turned cold. He said, tell your mother to take you and in the future you need to give advance notice before asking me to take you. He then said, I will see you next Tuesday when you don't have tennis.

I was at my IC on the other side of Florence and needed to go straight to my tasting from there. S sent me a message that his dad had said no. I said call him and tell him it's an important training because you have two tournaments this weekend. S tried phoning H over and over. H never picked up but sent a message saying, I can't.

So, I got on the freeway and drove like a maniac to pick up S, took him to his tennis, and drove like Cruella Devil over the hills of Chianti to get to my tasting. I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

Anyway, I shouldn't have hoped H would help us out. That was my mistake. I guess I should have cancelled my IC or shortened my time there and had less hassle to deal with. Lesson finally learned here, I hope.

My general sense about my H is that he is in a very bad place financially and this is causing him to act like a trapped rat. H still believes all his problems, which he believes to be just financial, are caused by me. His financials are worse than they've ever been, so either he will be forced to change his life style, or OW is going to maintain them. I don't see other options.

This is how my H became the last few years at home once his crisis started. As our financial situation worsened, he let me feel solely responsible for bringing in all the money. I know what it feels like to be around H when money is short. He's a monster.

A couple of you suggested me not letting H into my home. I understand where you're coming from but for now, I'm not going to block him. The reason being that when I've cut him off, blocked him, told him he could no longer come into the house while he was with OW, he vanished.

I don't even know that there is anything for me to keep standing for at this point. My H seems completely gone. However, I know that my H is very sensitive to rejection. I believe all of my acts of rejection have turned against me. Protecting my financials was a necessity with my particular MLCer, but rejecting him was like shooing the squirrel.

He clearly is able to compartmentalize the legal aspects. I will do like him, go after him legally with everything I have, I told my L that. She told me that in the past I had said no to her using stuff against H. I said now it's different. I'm ready to use it all. However, personally, I am not ready to push him away. I think he felt pushed away by his father when he was young. His dad shouted his head off at him even when he was a little kid, insulted him, told him he was lazy and useless and that's clearly how he thinks of himself and what he thinks the people who love him think of him.

My IC said something very eye opening to me yesterday. She was talking about me and my continuing co-dependency of H, she said 'Your mother was not capable of giving affection and you were a little girl who didn't love herself this is why you can't accept that someone could love you.' You see, I think H was this little boy, too, and couldn't believe that I would love him with those very defects his father accused him of, so he pushed away.

Anyway, I don't want to push him personally away. He can come into my world, even with the wrong intention, and see that it's one big couch and cushion, as it always was. 

So, I will remain atomic NC, I will legally counter attack him, I will carry on with my projects for this year: get my little flat up and renting, book a little beach holiday for me, D21 and S14. Make as much money from my work and tastings, get my little garden full of flowers.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #133 on: March 16, 2019, 03:05:04 AM »
My word, Milly, you have come a long way even in just the last few months actually. Just wanted to say I see it bc when we spend so much time slogging through that cold dark limbo time, it is easy maybe to miss the scale and speed of the shift out of it. I suspect people in RL are probably seeing and feeling a big difference in you too  :)...and you have worked so hard for so long to get to this Pink Fridge time, you deserve every flower, every patch of sunshine, every drop of cash and pleasure. I am running behind you but I hope to get to where you are soon (only without the legal stuff lol)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Yo

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #134 on: March 16, 2019, 09:19:57 AM »
Milly your plans sound great! You are a strong lady with a clear mind and big heart!


I don't even know that there is anything for me to keep standing for at this point.


As long as you think you want to keep standing you don't need an excuse to do it, MLC is not reasonable, so you don't need a "reason", just work in detatchment and with no expectations and you can keep standing the time that you want.


Anyway, I don't want to push him personally away. He can come into my world, even with the wrong intention, and see that it's one big couch and cushion, as it always was


My mistake, not a big heart as I said, a HUGE heart! ❤


Yo ☺

Offline Thunder

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #135 on: March 16, 2019, 10:05:47 AM »
Milly, sounds like your L is ready to fight, if need be.

Finances were the only thing I would have fought my H over, fortunately he didn't fight over it.

It's a long story and I won't get into all of it but I didn't really want my X in my apartment at first, it was my haven.  But I bought some bar stools and he said he would bring them in for me. 
It ended up a good thing.  He walked all around the place and really liked it.  Said I really had a nice place and I fixed it up really nice.

I offered him a cup of coffee and as he was sitting on the sofa he looked around with a sort of sad of wistful look and said..I see so many of our things here I'd forgotten about.
I quickly just said..well yes some but most of the stuff I bought new.

Anyway I think it was good he saw my lovely place.  It was not a mistake as far as I'm concerned.

You never know him looking around and in your bedroom might have been him checking to see if there was any "new man" evidence laying around.  Just sayin'... ;)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #136 on: March 16, 2019, 12:06:03 PM »
Thunder, that had me laughing my head off! I guess you could also be right, though! Lovely image of your home and your H looking around it.

Treasur and Yo, thanks for the encouragement and lovely words about my progress. I guess we can't see it when it's our own so thanks for telling me.

I spent the afternoon with S14 at a tennis tournament. Very hot and lovely here today.  I decided last minute to go out to dinner with my girlfriend. She's on constant man search and really wants me to, but you know how I feel about it. She could only get a 10pm reservation. I like to be curled up on the couch by then but I forced myself to accept. She tells me I'm never going to find a man if I'm sitting on the couch at night. I think she's probably right, but I want a man who's going to sit on the couch with me.  I had to sit down 20 minutes before facing the getting dressed up part, so here I am!

H has been in contact with S14. Actually, he wrote a message to him last night apologizing for not having taken him to his training. He said he had had two deadlines that day. Then he wrote and asked if Mummy managed to take him. S said yes. H wrote, good. This morning H wrote  and apologized again. He asked what time Mummy's tasting had been and did S get there late. S said no, Mummy rushed. H said, good. I don't know if this was guilt or concern or both, but I guess it's something.

The young worker from my old winery came here today and put up a fence along the little hedge in my patio so that my doggie can't escape. He also brought my flower pots that a friend had been storing for me last year. So progressing on my planned route.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #137 on: March 16, 2019, 12:11:12 PM »
Very hot and lovely here today.  I decided last minute to go out to dinner with my girlfriend. She's on constant man search and really wants me to, but you know how I feel about it. She could only get a 10pm reservation. I like to be curled up on the couch by then but I forced myself to accept. She tells me I'm never going to find a man if I'm sitting on the couch at night. I think she's probably right, but I want a man who's going to sit on the couch with me.  I had to sit down 20 minutes before facing the getting dressed up part, so here I am!

<snip>

The young worker from my old winery came here today and put up a fence along the little hedge in my patio so that my doggie can't escape. He also brought my flower pots that a friend had been storing for me last year. So progressing on my planned route.

I so get you Milly, I sometimes get invited out and I generally refuse, unless it is with a mixed group. Even then... it takes me ages to decide to go... ::)

I hope you have a lovely time!

Love, love what you are doing with the help of the young worker :)

Drinking wine here and thinking of you dear friend!
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline serenity

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #138 on: March 16, 2019, 02:40:31 PM »
I hate turning out at night - id much rather curl up on my sofa with my doggie!

Glad you’re getting some help with your garden

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #139 on: March 16, 2019, 03:30:43 PM »
Your plans sound great, Milly.

If we were a millionaire our MLCers would come after the money. Whatever amount we would give them would not be enough. Nothing is ever enough for a MLCer.

Milly, after BD I was out and about at times seven days a week. I never found a man. I did had a boyfriend at a point, but didn't found him when I was always out.

Finding a man and finding love and companioship aren't the same thing. I could have had tons of men, but what was the value of such thing? None.


Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anon

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #140 on: March 16, 2019, 06:16:05 PM »
Milly, just catching up again with you.  I have to say you sound so strong, despite all the MLC mess surrounding you.   From what I can tell from reading your thread, NC sounds like a good idea for you at the moment.   I'm not sure what I would think about your H checking out your place while you weren't there.   He is so contentious with you, that I would worry that somehow.. he is filing away info about your life to possibly use against you someday?   But who knows,, so just take what I say with a grain of salt.   
« Last Edit: March 16, 2019, 06:18:04 PM by Anon »

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #141 on: March 16, 2019, 06:55:16 PM »
Milly you have made a lovely life yourself out of the ashes of MLC. Such a strong woman!!!!

The first time Mr.YROT came to my home I think he was expecting it to be our old stuff.  He went up to the loft and look around. It's where D19 and D22 live. He went into my bedroom (only restroom downstairs) and saw my new to me four post Pottery Barn bed, not our old set from marriage years.  I'm sure he never thought I could survive without him. But I am.  I have no choice. 

I'm in the sofa sitting club. My home is my safe haven.  I have zero confidence in my sex appeal to men. I swear I'm invisible and I love my husband.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #142 on: March 17, 2019, 12:46:30 AM »
Milly I loved reading your post!  Sorry I know more MLC legal crap to deal with, but you sound as though you and your lawyer have got this ALL covered.  Your strength is obvious... yet despite all the hurt that your H has thrown your way you still have compassion for him. Us “LBS’s” are certainly a unique breed.  Not everyone is cut out to be a LBS! 

At BD we ALL try so hard to change the situation that has been dealt to us.  Fix and repair our MLCers as soon as possible! We just want our family back.  We soon learn that we can’t fix our Mlcer.  As a newbie to the world of MLC we are so impatient and we fail to comprehend and understand that we can only fix ourselves...we have no control of the Mlcer.

During this journey called MLC sees the LBS develop wisdom, compassion,  strength, growth, momentum and progress as an individual and after TIME we need to take a step back to actually see our progress through a different perspective.  All whilst out MLCers remain broken souls.

You have got this all covered Milly!
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 12:47:53 AM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #143 on: March 17, 2019, 12:53:49 AM »

I'm in the sofa sitting club. My home is my safe haven.  I have zero confidence in my sex appeal to men. I swear I'm invisible and I love my husband.

I hope that sofa has room for me too!  Our safe and comfortable haven to heal....with a bottle of wine (naturally).  Yes ironically....in true LBS form.....our love continues.
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline serenity

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #144 on: March 17, 2019, 01:16:14 AM »
Gin and tonic and choccy for me😉

X

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #145 on: March 17, 2019, 05:26:49 AM »
I just caught up with the current legal threat your MLCer has lobbed your way, Milly.  I haven't much to offer in the way of advice that hasn't already been shared. 

I hope you enjoyed your late night outing.  Continued support for you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

 

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