Author Topic: My Story A pink fridge moment.  (Read 2874 times)

Offline stillbaffled

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My Story Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2019, 05:08:17 PM »

I'm now sitting with some nice chilled white wine from the pink fridge. My face is burning from the sun. I'm knackered as my mother used to say. S had to make his own dinner. I think I'm going to have a good sleep tonight.

Previous thread: https:
//mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10635.new#new


You deserve to savor these sweet moments, Milly.   Hope you rest well.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2019, 06:52:16 PM »
Joining the pink fridge clan!
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2019, 07:52:38 PM »
I love the title of your new thread.

I do hope that this is the end of the financial issues between your H and D but I do fear that your D is young and does not yet understand that desperate people do desperate things. And I do believe your H is desperate right now. She may come to deeply regret getting involved with H and his finances one day. But sadly that will be her lesson to learn and you would be best to step back from it and let it unfold.

You have come to the rescue once. But I would not do it again as these two may try to come back to the Milly well again. Also, I would consider it, in your heart a gift to your D, and not let this loan taint your relationship going forward. She has been duped by someone she trusted. Don’t make her feel worse about it and don’t let money ruin your mother/daughter relationship.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2019, 11:46:00 PM »
Coming along milly xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #14 on: February 18, 2019, 01:15:31 AM »
I always think a lot about the "never say a bad word about them" topic; I think there is a difference between bashing them (calling them names, saying they are horrible, etc.) and telling the truth as simply as possible.  So I DID tell my children (grown) some things, because covering up for him doesn't do them any favours. 

I always say that in the context of explaining some of my own decisions rather than an empirical "he is bad"; I never say that he is bad, however I do say that I am unhappy about such and such behaviour. 

I don't think that stops the children from having a relationship with their father, I of course agree that that is theirs to have or have not with him.  And I've never said that I'm unhappy about the fact that they see him when he's done a, b or c, nothing even near that.  All it does is let them know how I feel, which is a good life lesson.  They don't have to agree with me, we can even talk about that.  All of which I think is good for them now and for their own relationships in the future. 

So in my opinion Milly explaining to her daughter why she is unhappy about paying that debt is completely reasonable.  And I love treasur's  words about how, if her D doesn't want to be "in the middle" between the parents, then Milly could respect that by not getting involved in paying the debt. 

It doesn't bash Milly's H, it simply states the facts.  And Milly is allowed to be unhappy about having been deceived, manipulated and anything else, and I do believe it is OK for our children to know what upsets us. 

And just adding one thing:

For the avoidance of doubt, I have always been one of those LBS who has helped her MLCer if he's asked, I've offered when he hasn't asked, So I'm not a kick-em-to-the-kerb person, I have had to learn to set my boundaries appropriately, though, which really is better for everyone, for me, for our children as well as for the MLCer. 
« Last Edit: February 18, 2019, 01:42:17 AM by Trustandlove »

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2019, 05:33:26 AM »
Now that I have done a few edits to fix links so people can get here from there....

Typical European (or at least German) credit cards are not true credit cards like you know them in the US. The balance is paid in full every month by withdrawing it from the bank account to which the card is linked. That is why I still maintain a US card as well if I really need to spread payments out over time.

If I understand it correctly, the discussion between you (Milly) and D24 has been done, you have transferred the money so that it done as well. D24 said that she will not lend him the card again. That is good. If she does, SHE gets to deal with the consequences.

I don't see any good reason for the statement other than snooping. If the money has been transferred to D24's account and the balance is withdrawn from there (again, this is how German banks work so I am guessing it is the same in Italy) there is no need for data from the statement. 

Asking D24 how she intends to repay you is allowing her to take responsibility for herself and her actions. Whether or not her father pays her back is irrelevant. This is between you (Milly) and her now. She doesn't want to be put between you two? That is fine. You loaned her the money to pay her credit card bill. She is therefore responsible. How the bill was run up and who ran it up is no longer relevant. that allows you to respect D24's wishes of not being in the middle AND  places the responsibility where it belongs... I'd be sorely tempted to ensure that D24 knows that this is a one-time good deal though.... The "Bank of Milly" is officially closed for further withdrawals.

As for the rest, H chose to put you in the middle by manipulating D24 to ask you. D24 put you in the middle by asking you to pay for H's bill..... ANY further such requests should be met with a short, firm and simple denial - "This is between you and your father. I am staying out of it."
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2019, 05:52:38 AM »
Following along

Offline Thunder

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2019, 06:00:04 AM »
Well dang it UM, never thought of that but I think he's right, Milly.
What possible difference would it make to see how he spent that money?  It is snooping I guess, and I would probably want to do it too, but nothing on there would probably surprise you.  Just affirm what you suspect.

I also agree with Trust, I don't feel what you told your adult D was bad at all.  It wasn't bashing him it was letting her know why this upset you so.  She's still going to love her dad but it may help to make her a little more cautious next time.
If she was a young teen, no I wouldn't have thought it was a good idea, but she's an adult.

Glad you had such a lovely day.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2019, 09:07:58 AM »
I agree with UM 100 percent and thank him for taking the time to educate us on credit cards in Europe.  It was helpful and interesting information.

As for D, she put herself in the middle when she contacted you for help with the problem.  If she doesn't want to know your feelings on the subject, she should not have reached out. You told her YOUR feelings. You did not tell her how SHE should feel or what HER relationship should or should not be with her father.  Honestly, I don't think it is fair to call your Mom and ask for a large amount of money and not expect to get an earful of how she feels.  D should know exactly how her actions are affecting other people. 

Sometimes the truth hurts. But it is better than the lie of "no trouble sweetie" IMO.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline strawberry

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2019, 09:30:08 AM »
There is definitely a difference between adult children and minors.  There can also be differences between adult children depending on history.  Telling them the facts and how you feel in a calm rational manner is completely different than an angry email listing all the ways the other parent has made you angry.  Unloading your feelings on a child (even an adult one) that is not going to be receptive or sympathetic is not going to accomplish anything productive.  She knows her parents aren’t getting along.  Was it productive to tell her all of it? 

This feels more like trying to persuade the child of how bad the other parent is behaving.  It is possible to tell someone how you feel about a situation without needing them to feel the same way. 

I am very guilty of this.  In my past, I’ve often been unsatisfied with compromise and spent energy trying to convince the other person (often H) how they should also agree with me completely.  It backfires every time.  Even if I’m 100% correct.  It doesn’t make the other person feel good about me or the situation when I keep arguing my point of view. 
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

 

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