Author Topic: My Story A pink fridge moment.  (Read 2875 times)

Online MillyTopic starter

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My Story Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2019, 02:24:51 PM »
I'm reading along and thank you for your support. I'm not ready to answer yet.

I'm just writing because I loved UM's latest post on his New Moon Alert thread IV.

Tomorrow night, there's going to be a Super Moon. The energy it's going to give off is going to reach everyone. It's positive and encouraging energy. I'm going to stand outside and let it radiate me!

Thought it was worth making an alert about. Whether it means anything or not, it's a bit of hope. Go read!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #21 on: February 19, 2019, 04:37:31 AM »
Following Milly, sorry for the money trouble, in happier moments your time in the garden sounded lovely, take care x
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #22 on: February 19, 2019, 06:44:27 AM »
I'm here friend Milly.  One day I'm crossing the pond to see this pink frig in person. 

I have to war against feeling bitter.  I'm the one that stood and held  back the attack while good old long suffering dad got to run and play.  It gets really old.  And I'm so ANGRY!!!!!

Following along. 
« Last Edit: February 19, 2019, 06:49:45 AM by Yellowroseoftexas »
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #23 on: February 19, 2019, 01:19:02 PM »
I am going to have to read about this Moon because I am getting nothing but a boat load of crazy here at work today.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #24 on: February 19, 2019, 01:58:16 PM »
I absolutely love your new thread title. It is just perfect!

H is really in trouble isn't he? Hard to play knight and shining armor to D when he is basically taking money from her. Yikes! That cannot be good for the ego.  And I know these MLCers are damaged people, but I would think asking YOU for money has just got to be the worst thing H  can do. What a massive blow to his extremely fragile, 12 year old ego.

Also, I wouldn't look at the statement Milly. You cannot un-see it. And nothing good will come of it. Just monkey braining and heartache. Instead, grab a glass of prosecco and come up with a payment plan between you and D.  Leave H out of it completely. If that is how SHE gets the money to re-pay you, so be it.  My 2 cents anyway.

Doing great Milly!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online MillyTopic starter

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #25 on: February 21, 2019, 02:02:56 AM »
Thank you so much to the many of you who do not think what I said to my D was bad. I tell you, it's not been a good week for me due to this stuff.

UM described the cards we have in Italy.

Strawberry, I'm sorry you had to grow up in a broken home like the one most of us have now. I agree that it's not good to bash a parent in order to put that parent against the child. However, I am the parent of 3 kids and I do not believe in creating a fake world for them. Children have a tendency to believe they should be the most important thing in their parent's lives. This is true to a certain extent, but not to the annihilation of that parent. We parents have lives, feelings, and I don't believe the child benefits from the hurting parents shutting up and pretending all is good when it's not. I believe kids can learn from seeing a hurting parent who can recreate herself. Better than a parent who is dying inside but is pretending all is ok for the kids. I think that sets the kids up to a potential future where they repeat the act of the 'bad' parent because they have the belief that it was not that hard on the good parent. I may be wrong, but this is how I see it.

So, I have had some very difficult, sad days because of this $h!te that my H dumped me in, managing to also place my D against me again. It hurts, and it's sooo UNFAIR!!! Do I sound like a toddler? Maybe. But sometimes I have basic pain just like a toddler.

So my D is now ignoring me. I sent her a message on Sunday when I deposited the money in her account, no thanks has come so far. I went into the bank on Monday and spoke to them, they said they'd call the credit card company to tell them funds were on their way but that they couldn't assure that the card wouldn't be removed from my D since this late payment had happened before?

I told them that D wants to close down this account (this is what she's told me in her messages) and how does she go about it since she lives abroad. They dictated the letter she needs to write which she needs to attach to a photocopy of the card cut up. Then once the bank finds out if there are any further charges coming in the future, they will close the account.

I wrote to D with all this information. I didn't hear back for several days. No thank you. Eventually I just got a brief message that her dad had already talked to the bank. So now, I'm actually mad at D. How can this be? I am put into this mess by H, forced to pay for H's shenanegans by D, was mad at H doing this to me and said so, and now I'm a bad mother. To remind you, my D did not speak to me for 2 years after BD. She sided with her dad, and told me she didn't want to hear anything about it from me.

I saw my IC and spoke to her about this. She says what the majority of you all say. She says it is unacceptable that my D24 is treating me in this manner. D placed me in the middle of this in order to resolve her problem.

My IC explained the difference between how I tell D about what her dad has done and how H talks to D about her mother. I say how I feel and what H has done. H plays the victim. He just says how bad he has it because of Mummy. So D then feels sorry for him. Very crafty.

IC says that knowing that I am scared that she'll cut me off, D gets away with treating me this way. My IC actually wants me to cut my D off now and show her how that feels.  I said I can't because my D will never bow down and say she's wrong. She'll just cut me out. She's shown she's capable of that, and I can't afford for chunks of 2 years to go by without knowing what's going on in my D's life. She could be married in the next two years. She'll be working, might move somewhere else. I can't go through that again. I told my IC that I would rather keep my D24 the way she is than not have her at all.

My D24 is in denial. She thinks that she can push down hurt in her life and that way it's all resolved. It is going to come out eventually as we all know. There's nothing I can do for her. She's too far away for me to risk.

I agree with you all, I do not need to read that statement. I will not be able to unread it. I feel bad enough just imagining what I've been forced to pay for. I don't need to see the names of the things. Thank you so much for telling me that.

My IC thinks my H might have calculated the amount he put on the card that he would then get me to pay for because between the card and the Christmas gift for my S it's exactly the amount he got garnished for because of the trial I won for maintenance in arrears he hasn't paid. To remind you, I took him to court about 18 months ago for not having paid any maintenance since June 2015. I won and was also awarded an extra €6000 for moral damages to be paid within 12 months or he goes to jail. He appealed so that is now delayed. However because I won, I was able to have his wages garnished every month. This started this past September. The amount I get each month is around €900. It seems incredibly precise that S's gift and this card came to €850.

I have not written to H although I am so tempted to tell him that his behaviour is so wrong. How he should have at least thanked me. But I know he'll just monster back justifying why he can do it and make me look like a b*tc#. I can just imagine him laughing his head off at this accomplishment.

So now my D has cut contact with me. What am I supposed to do about this? I don't want to write to her because all she wants from me is an apology, which I don't think I owe. Now I guess I have to wait for her. I don't feel like writing anything to her. I found a really cheap flight to Chicago for her graduation dates, the cheap seats won't be available for long, but I don't feel like contacting her about it because it feels like I'm forcing myself on her now.

On the other hand, I'm not feeling like seeing my D at all now. I feel so betrayed by her, so mistreated, so unappreciated. I'm a human, not just a mother. I'm thinking I could spend the money better on something for me, S, and D21 instead. I am not rolling in it. I worked really hard since BD to get to this safish place I'm in now.

I'm very careful with how money is spent but that includes little fun times for me and the kids. Stuff that H got us to do without those last years in crisis but still at home. He had us living like paupers while he was treating himself to anything he wanted. I just kept working harder to make up for it, sacrificing myself completely. I don't want to live like that anymore. I'm thinking the money it would cost to go to D's graduation would feel like a waste to me now.

So, here it is. If anyone would like to suggest how I handle my D24 now, please do advise.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2019, 02:46:12 AM »
Darling, darling girl...
If you at home right now, I want you to go and look at your beautiful pink fridge and pause to think about all that it says about you. Your fridge is like my Babe piglet, I think...an anchor to who I am and choose to be and the hard won progress I have made.

Pause to pat yourself on the back too for NOT doing any of the knee jerk reactions you might have done bc yes it is very unfair.


Now, the tough bits that I think you know really but wish you didn't.
None of this card/money stuff is your circus. Your daughter asked for help which you graciously did by lending her the money...everything else, including what your daughter does about the card, not yours to fix.
Your daughter is an adult...but for whatever reason she seems to prefer to blame you rather than take responsibility for her own actions or to treat you with the respect she demands from you. Idk if this is historically part of her character or simply her reaction to what her father has done.
Which unfortunately means that it won't change unless she decides to change her behaviour...and right now it probably suits her well enough. So, if it isn't ok with you - just like an MLCer - you need boundaries.
What do you consider acceptable as a way for your young adult daughter to behave towards you? What's your bare minimum? And how close is any of this to that line, Milly?
You can't make her do or think or feel anything...we LBS learn that...but even as a parent you can say that if she wants a relationship with you, you need x or y. Your fear of losing her (much like we all felt with our spouses) allows her to control the relationship entirely on her terms. Your IC is quite right...you don't need to 'cut her off' but you can't control her either or sacrifice your needs and sons needs to do so.

Others here have had boundary issues with older kids, I know, so will give better advice than me.

Fwiw, my 2 cents is to do nothing, do a 180 really, do not initiate contact at all....she owes you a repayment plan does she not? And use that bit of time to think about your minimum expectations from your daughter...and your actions if she does not meet them. I'd also assume you won't see any of the cash again in terms of your financial planning!

And the graduation? Choose just for you, Milly. If you can do it independently, like a Chicago vacation with a small bit of graduation thrown in, if you can afford it, if you think in 5 years time it will matter, if you don't need to arrange anything in advance with your h or daughter...then just tell her you will be showing up for it. If, with a little space, you decide that it is just an event and other things matter more, then decide to not go.

The one thing we learn is that you can't feel good or win by negotiating with emotional terrorists who treat you with disrespect. Whoever they are. You can only control your actions and your boundaries and your priorities....

Ok, eyes back to the pink fridge again...it's baby pink right?...and breathe  :)
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 02:54:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #27 on: February 21, 2019, 03:10:31 AM »
Treasur has already said EVERYTHING that needs to be said....

I just wonder if "H already talked to the bank" exactly WHAT did he talk to them about? Did he really talk to them at all or was that an excuse....

However, going back to what Treasur said, D24 needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. Period. She lent him the card. You bailed her (him) out once. Now it is adulting time....

I also agree that you should probably plan that you will not get the money back... D24 isn't going to have it readily available if she is still paying tuition and all and H is sure as Hades not going to give it to her.

This is also a learning experience for you, albeit a painful one. You realized how the numbers matched up and I agree that it is too much of a coincidence. Your boundary now needs to be established unless you are willing to make this a recurring thing.

As far as your R with D24..... Sorry but you can NOT force her to have an R with you and the ball is now firmly in her court. If she wants to have an R with you at all, it has to be established on MUTUAL respect and not her spoiled brat antics. She is no longer a teenager who can stick her bottom lip out and get her way.... You loaned her the money, she knows you expect it back. It is now on her to figure out how to make that happen. In the mean time, she'll have to deal with the consequences of what her choices are and if that means she looses charging privileges, that is on her, not you NOT your farm, NOT your cows, NOT your male bovine excrement to deal with....



Pink fridge and Prosecco....

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Offline Anjae

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #28 on: February 21, 2019, 03:27:52 AM »
Sorry D24 has not thanked you and is not talking to you. How rude.

Agree with the others, do nothing. Also agree D24 is an adult.

Enjoy your view and a nice glass of wine.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline BrenM

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Re: A pink fridge moment.
« Reply #29 on: February 21, 2019, 05:07:00 AM »
Milly please understand that D24 is stressed with her thesis. She really does not need any added stress atm. No doubt she is super peeved off with her father (for getting her into this mess) and with you (for telling her some home truths).  Give her time Milly...when she is less stressed she will see things more clearly, that I am certain of.  You most certainly do not deserve any of this....nor does D24!   Sadly you both have been played. 

Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



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