[UrsaMajor]

Bringing this discussion thread back to life based on request from Author and the current "35 pages..." discussion on detachment

[Acorn]

Thank you UM for digging up the old thread! 

While searching for the Detachment thread, I found an excerpt from one of RCR’s blogs in another thread. This is gold in my opinion.
…..

RCR:

But your healing, that is within your control! Healing is empowering; there is no downside.

Education

Identify the problem. This can take a while. In the moments, days, weeks and maybe even months after Bomb Drop you may have searched for a purpose or reason. What has happened to my loving partner? Did we have problems that were this serious in our marriage? What is going on? Why is he/she doing this feeling this way? Who is that madman in my husband’s/wife’s body? These are the questions you ask over and over as you try to understand and make sense of this shock. They grip you and send you off on tangents as you find something that fits pieces, without quite fitting everything.

Is he a narcissist?
Is this an exit affair?
Is she right, did we have a bad marriage?

Now that you have identified the problem—midlife crisis— you finally have something to learn about that may help your situation move forward by educating yourself just enough to answer your basic questions: what’s happening, what does it mean, why is this happening, what can I do…?

Then stop! Or redirect more energy toward your personal education or learning and your own Mirror-Work rather than midlife crisis, because focusing on the latter could keep you attached to the situation and your MLCer and prevent you from progressing forward in a healthy and positive manner.

[Acorn]

We can surmise from the quote above that detaching from the situation and MLCer frees some energy toward LBS’s own mirror work. 

It is my view that one of the first steps in mirror work is to fully accept the facts as you see right in front of you — your spouse (as did mine) told you your marriage is kaput; he loves you but not in love with you; he left physically or emotionally (while living under the same roof); ‘friend zoned’ you, etc.

Acceptance is essential and a necessary first step to detachment, which I see as an integral part of mirror work.  It may also be beneficial to consider the scenario where LBS may have fully accepted indisputable and unvarnished facts and yet remain firmly attached to MLCer, the minute details of the situation and the outcome, and that is where LBS’s hard work of detachment is, I suggest. 

I would not be presumptuous to suggest that everyone will be able to detach just because some of us did.  Nor would I suggest that other LBSs can not attain detachment through hard work just because some of us could not.  The main thing is to be informed about detachment and give it a try.  You may be pleasantly surprised at what you are capable of in terms of emotional strength and growth. 

I wish you nothing but the very best!

((((HUGS))))

[JohnnyBravo]

It is my view that one of the first steps in mirror work is to fully accept the facts as you see right in front of you — your spouse (as did mine) told you your marriage is kaput; he loves you but not in love with you; he left physically or emotionally (while living under the same roof); ‘friend zoned’ you, etc.

"The ball is round, the game lasts 90 minutes." Everything else is pure theory.

[Treasur]

I agree with Acorn about finding a way to accept the reality of what’s in front of your nose as the current reality. It may or may not be a future reality, and it wasn’t your past reality, but it is actually how it is right now. Hard to do, but important, I found.

The weird twist to detachment that lasted longer than my attachment to my marriage, or even my h, was difficult to put words to. But I think it was a kind of attachment to that part of my own history and sense of it as part of who I am. I didn’t know what to do with some of those things, but I fought a solid rearguard action against detaching from them tbh lol. I think that got me stuck and hurting for quite a long time, maybe longer than was good for me. A feeling that I didn’t want to just bin bits of my own life history just bc my then h seemed to have done so, but bc he had, I wasn’t sure what to do with them. Still not sure about some of it tbh. And not sure I have detached from all of it either, even years on.

Hard to describe. I think I’d like to feel differently than I do about those 20+ years of my life….but I’m not sure how or how to do that. Anyone else struggle with that kind of detachment?

[Hopeful5]

For me, it started with need to detach from my MLC'er W out of necessity.  But, as I dove deeper into the concept of detachment, I discovered through reading the christian mystics that our perceived need for security, affection, and control are false realities that we must detach from in order to be truly "happy".   This has led me on a path of prayer and daily exercises of silence and stillness.  Not only has this began to address my attachments to my W, but also deep areas of lifelong anxiety that are just beginning to unravel.  It's been the most profound experience of my life by far...   All thanks to my MLC W (most likely STBXW)... 

[Evermore]

I agree with Acorn about finding a way to accept the reality of what’s in front of your nose as the current reality. It may or may not be a future reality, and it wasn’t your past reality, but it is actually how it is right now. Hard to do, but important, I found.

The weird twist to detachment that lasted longer than my attachment to my marriage, or even my h, was difficult to put words to. But I think it was a kind of attachment to that part of my own history and sense of it as part of who I am. I didn’t know what to do with some of those things, but I fought a solid rearguard action against detaching from them tbh lol. I think that got me stuck and hurting for quite a long time, maybe longer than was good for me. A feeling that I didn’t want to just bin bits of my own life history just bc my then h seemed to have done so, but bc he had, I wasn’t sure what to do with them. Still not sure about some of it tbh. And not sure I have detached from all of it either, even years on.

Hard to describe. I think I’d like to feel differently than I do about those 20+ years of my life….but I’m not sure how or how to do that. Anyone else struggle with that kind of detachment?

Very much so.

It has been helpful to me in being able to slowly move forward, to so firmly believe now (not just in my head but in my bones) that what he chose to do really really had nothing to do with me or our marriage. That we had a very good, but very average marriage. That we were just poodling along like everyone else... and then, due to how he was feeling about himself and his life at that time (that he hadn't shared properly with me), he just... broke. He lost all interest in our life and thought getting a new one would make him happy. Getting a new life meant he needed to find a new woman. So he did. I see this very clearly now. I think he might see it too but it would be far too hard to unravel everything now for him. And I think his new life, though not the magic happy he thought he was going to, is OK enough for him to keep on keeping on there. I think I've now mostly accepted that this is how our story ended. Incredibly sad but nothing I can change. I think I will always feel attached to him; and feel like he feels like he's attached to me. I'm OK with that. 

I am still left though with a faintly squirmy kind of feeling about those 20+ years; like there might be something scary that is hidden. But I just don't, and likely will never, know. I know I'd prefer not to know (my gut shouts 'nope!' when I think about it). Which is a yuck feeling all of it's own. I guess what I really struggle with is whether I should struggle with that squirmy feeling or just leave it be and ignore it!

I had a conversation with my SIL a year or so ago where I said it might have been easier (how could one know?) if he had died instead of losing the plot and running off.  She thought that was going a bit far. But I asked her "He has re-written our history and there are still some unanswered questions about what he lied about and how long he had been seeing OW (and if there were others earlier than her)... SO WHAT DO I DO WITH MY MEMORIES?!! If he had died I would still be without him, but I wouldn't have all THIS kind of messy trauma to carry around. All my memories are now tainted with whispery question marks. Where do I put them!?". She said she hadn't thought about it that way before (which is common as we all know unless you've been there).

I completely agree that acceptance of current reality is what we should be aiming for. It is a very long slog trough the trauma and I'm not sure there's a map for how to do it well/quicker. It's taken me nearly 6 years and I'm still only 'mostly there'. 

You are right, it is hard to describe this feeling of still being attached to something that you're not quite sure of. I don't know yet what to do with my little remnant squirmy feeling. And I'm not sure I need to do anything with it. For now it is on a shelf, up over there to the left in my mind. As I get more and more distance from 'that life' over time I think I am coming closer to just accepting that I won't ever get those answers and that, for me, those answers don't really matter as they won't change what happened or what is happening. I loved 'that life' and loved (love) my husband. And I know he loved (loves) me. Nothing that happened can change the majority of that.

I think for me working things out is facilitated by time and distance. I know some people here say you can't heal unless you actively 'do the work', but I've always been a 'go with the flow' type of person and things have always fairly passively resolved themselves for me. Under all the pain and the all the massive swirling WTF panic over the past nearly 6 years, my core-personality (the Ever that mostly runs the show) always knew I'd be ok eventually. That we all (all the different bits that make up Ever) just had to cling on until the waves calmed down and we popped back up and righted ourselves. I guess you could say I actively moved forward and kept taking little tiny (often miniscule!) steps forward (and back and forward and back and forward etc etc). But I don't think I was actively trying to 'think different' or 'detach' or 'accept'. I just kept moving forward and waited until I thought differently, detached more, accepted what had happened. Not sure if I'm making sense (haha, I'm never sure about that!). 

[WHY]

I can’t even remember what she was like.  It’s only been 2.5 years but I struggle to remember the loving woman she once was.

Perhaps when we’re D and we haven’t seen each other for months will those nostalgic, Disney feelings return, or at least have a chance to.  But living with an at home wallower. I can’t even pretend to remember those feelings I once had.  There’s just not a second for me to let them in before something bad happens again.  Living with an alien stranger does not leave much room for those feels. 

I think after a brief bout of depression I reached acceptance.  But then genuinely felt indifference for a long time.  I think since then I’ve healed somewhat and it’s turned back to detachment as I still care about her outcome.  But back then I felt nothing. 

What I’m trying to say is the word detachment is so overused here but I think it means something different for everyone.  For me it meant my love being extinguished and I was terrified when I felt it happening.  But now being on the otherside of “detached”, whatever they means, I’m here to tell future LBS that it will be ok.  Genuinely.  It’s not all roses. But it is more peaceful.

And as for “thinking” myself into detachment or trying to make it happen. No $&@#ing way!  I knew exactly what I needed to do but you can’t just wave a wand and make it happen. It genuinely was a function of time and the result of certain external events.  It’s something you can’t force. 

So if you’re trying to detach.   Try not to pressure yourself or force it.  At least for me, sample of one, I needed time, and I detached naturally without my control when the time was right.  A year. Two years?  You’ll detach when you’re ready.  You will just know it.

Genuinely my fellow LBS. It will be ok. 

[Trustandlove]

For me it took years, literally.  Probably longer than for anyone on this forum.

I remember back before this forum existed, when my mess began, the advice was also to detach -- I was desperately trying to work out what that was, how to do it, all that.  I became frustrated when all my active efforts (GAL, meditation, self-care, etc.) didn't magically result in this state of bliss. 

It was a slow, slow process for me, but eventually even I got there, I think. 

For me getting to the acceptance of what reality was made the difference; that eventually meant stepping away from my MLCer, but even that took me a long time.  Having 3 children with special needs didn't help, I kept wanting him to be involved.  I remember when RCR told me to take off the MLC lenses, and look at what was there -- I didn't really want to, because I wanted to see the person that I always believed was the sweetest, kindest person on the planet, but really what I saw was a selfish, entitled mess. 

All those things that treasur writes about -- how to reconcile our own stories about life the way it was, about what happened, -- also apply to me.  I now think that it is very possible that I had a covert narcissist (or whatever the best description of that is), and that when he broke, it all came flooding out.  I remember at the very beginning a therapist telling me that we all have these little selfish tendencies, but normally we keep them in check.  He said that "something" (MLC, who knows) in effect "gave him permission" to let that side of himself take over.  This could have been temporary, which is why I hung on to MLC as the thing, hoping that it would eventually be over, but in the end every time he could have made the decision to step up, he made the decision to run further. 

I had to look at reality, so for me that meant stopping contact. 

And since then it's still been a slow process, but I can finally say that my own emotions are no longer tied to his rollercoaster.  I'm still sad about it, and still not entirely sure what our life together really was (which is very sad, because I truly loved it, and him), but with that dreaded word, time, I've now built a life that is my own, mine and my children's. 

I do now know that what happened was entirely due to what was going on within him, that however imperfect I was, it wasn't about me or our marriage. 

So what is now talked about on this forum so much, the acceptance of what is, I think is important.  It doesn't mean kicking them to the kerb, it doesn't mean not loving them, but it does mean learning to set boundaries so that we don't go under along with them. 

And accepting that it does hurt.  It would be odd if it didn't.  And it still feels weird when I do hear something, or see a picture, but no longer with the pain. 

[Trustandlove]

I wanted to add to the above.  First of all I think it was marvin who wrote about the covert narcissist shattering, I just wanted to flag that I noticed that.  I didn't  come to my conclusions based on his writing, but I wanted to note that I used his phrase!

I also wanted to add that for me, understanding, or at least trying to understand MLC (or whatever it was) was very important, not in that it made me focus on him (which it did, certainly in the earlier years), but to help me understand that it wasn't all about me or our marriage.  Until I got it through my head that I wasn't completely nuts, that I wasn't all bad, I couldn't start to heal (for lack of a better word). 

The forum in the earlier years focused more on MLC, and I did find that valuable.  I think that we need to go through every step of the process ourselves as LBS, so for me, jumping to whatever "reality" was at the time couldn't work until I had gone through all the other steps, trying to understand, etc.

(I also think that I had PTSD, undiagnosed, but it kept me in a state of fear and trembling for a number of years, which slowed things down for me...)

Yes, for years I did believe that my job was to be there for him, but alongside that I slowly realised that I couldn't be if I wasn't in good shape myself.  And that slowly morphed into letting go more and more.  And my children definitely took priority over my MLCer.