Author Topic: My Story Babe carries on...  (Read 2590 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
My Story Babe carries on...
« on: February 19, 2019, 03:03:05 AM »
And welcome to my new thread.... :)

Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10649.0;all was about trauma recovery, roses, allotments, judgment and shame.

No idea where this one will go.
Unlikely to be much about MLC, but rather more about one example of life after MLC.
With roses.
« Last Edit: February 19, 2019, 03:08:49 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2122
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2019, 03:10:42 AM »
Treasur thanks for the advice on you previous thread on how to view our past and present Hs as two people. It helps. Also v3/vnew!

Joining the rather sassy babe! Wouldn’t miss it!

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 608
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2019, 04:58:33 AM »
Joining you in your new thread Treasur!!!

Quote
Particularly for any LBS without kids, do you ever find yourself wondering what the point of being married to your spouse was now?
I also wanted to go back to this because I have no kids and I mentioned in your previous thread that I was ashamed of not giving children to my H which might lead you to believe I think my marriage was pointless but that's not true at all!!
H and I were very clear that kids were not part of our life plan.. That never changed until BD1 and I was shocked to say the least when he told me that all of the sudden he wanted kids... That tormented me for a long time and to a point still does.. And the main reason that affected me so bad is because he went on telling me that he felt like that for a while but he didn't tell me because he didn't want to worry me  ???  And my perfectionist side jumped in to beat myself over the fact that I didn't know my own H and I didn't understand him all.. At a rational level, I felt all of this was BS but an emotional level I felt like a complete failure as a wife.. And to certain degree, I stopped fighting him over his wish to leave because I didn't feel enough, he also devalued me as a wife and what I added to his life.

The shame comes from H's family reaction to the fact that we didn't want kids. They never accepted it, they didn't consider us a family because we didn't have children (which is very cruel to people who can't have kids BTW!) so they never actually respected our relationship.. When H and I separated, his family vanished and I heard through my SIL (married to H's brother) that the family feels there's no connection with me because H and I never had kids... So it feels like they won, they were right all along, I was wrong and now I have been discarded not only by H but by his entire family... That makes me feel ashamed but I own it and it's something I need to work on.

But same as you, I have come to the conclusion that my marriage was a good one. It added a lot to me and my life. We had many years of happiness and I feel we were on the same page until MLC arrived into our life.. The kids part only comes into the equation for me because it was part of my BD, otherwise it wouldn't affect the way I see my marriage, despite not having any.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7682
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2019, 05:15:19 AM »
So, we pick up (sort of) where we left off....

But, in reply to OneDay... <sarcasm on> You mean you didn't suddenly become  a mind reader and simply "understand" that he suddenly changed his mind about things like kids? What an awful person! <sarcasm off> 

Actually, I even heard the words at ABD  "You have been married before, you should have known <blah blah blah>."  from STBXW.... I just looked at her like


And for the Babe.... is there a better way to start a thread?


Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2528
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2019, 06:25:18 AM »
Joining you, Treasur!
May your garden be full of yellow roses.
Be patient, gentle and generous with yourself.  Not only now and then, but always...  They may be good antidotes to ‘shame’.
((((((HUGS)))))))
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline xyzcf

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9678
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2019, 06:31:33 AM »
Thanks as always Treasur...looking forward to your new thread.

I think that just being able to discuss shame with one another is a really therapeutic thing. We know intellectually, that we have not "done" anything shameful...but the feelings are still within us and exploring why helps.

I am just thinking, the words "just get over it!" are flashing in my brain, but by sharing with one another, it reaffirms to me that this is not a "little thing" to get over.....near the beginning I thought, well lots of people's marriages end and they eventually seem fine and I will be too...and yes, I am fine but I never dreamed that the repercussions would stay with me the way they have.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online TreasurTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2019, 07:16:27 AM »
I hope this isn't TMI or too dull, but it was so important that I want to journal this to record it somewhere....


Great EMDR session today back to the time my h fell apart in front of me which ended up going somewhere I didn't expect, and a big bit of letting go of my h. He wanted to go but wanted me to keep everything safe including us. I could see he wanted something from me but didn't know what, that he was afraid. And in my visualisation, I knew that was impossible. That I couldn't not bc of any failing on my part or any lack of desire, I just couldn't. No one could.

And then a guided process of shutting the door of our old house on him while he hovered waiting for me to come up with some alternative, but I couldn't. Then after standing for a while with my forehead against the door, tears rolling down my face bc I could feel he was still outside, I heard a cat (in reality my therapist's rather shy cat Patsy had decided to sit by me  ;) ) but in my visualisation - bc I was in charge of the movie - it was Louis. I went out into the garden and explained to Louis that even though we loved h, he had to go, that he didn't want to hurt us but he would if we stayed there so we had to go too. And I picked Louis up under one arm and scooped a book and a kettle (?) under the other and we climbed over the fence and walked across an open field.

And then my father turned up, walking to my right. He said it was time to put both Louis and my h down now and let them choose if they wanted to walk with me like he did. That he would start me off and walk with me for a while and I needed to keep my eyes forward and my head up. And I did...although I could feel my h standing behind me watching from the edge of the field...but me and my Dad kept walking. And he told me I have things to do, that I'm like him and lead from the front which means sometimes you need to set off and let people decide if they want to walk with you. But that he knows I am brave and I am a gem and worth walking with  :) - cried a bit there - and then suddenly, the back of my hair was full of yellow buttercups. (Which actually happened on a walk with my h in 2014 when without me knowing, walking behind me, he put buttercups in my hair and then took a photo. I still have the photo.) and that brought me full circle to an earlier thread, and a song by Mumford & Sons which meant something to both me and my h, with the line about 'grace in your heart and flowers in your hair'....

As well as reminding me that, even dead, my father is a very practical man of action lol...the session had a real sense of closure, that I was walking away not bc I couldn't do anything but bc what my h was reaching for and couldn't explain was simply impossible for anyone to do. Including me. And I would get hurt if I stayed. And it felt lovely and right to walk with my father, head up, towards an open field and sky with flowers in my hair.

I'm supposed to have a couple more sessions but I have the funny sense that I am pretty much done. That other than a closing review session next week, EMDR has done its job and now it is up to me to walk and see who turns up to walk with me. I shut the door on my h, walked away from the house with Louis under my arm and then finally walked off without looking back. Three types of letting go, always with love in my heart strangely. No blame, no anger, no frustration. I just knew that if he couldn't fight for himself and us, i couldn't do anything but walk away with love...and a cat lol.

And I'm wondering too if I need to meet the little tortie cat belonging to my friend and see if she chooses to come along...

So, no yellow roses but buttercups. And such a feeling of love and grace and that my father will walk with me when I need him to. My xh will show up some day if he is ever ready to walk along too, but he's behind me now, out of sight, and I'm still walking on.

And my therapist also asked if she can refer people to me who need coaching  :)
I really am amazed by EMDR as a process...in fact I said to my therapist that i was at risk of becoming an EMDR bore or pouncing on people who look traumatised in the street lol.
PTSD numbness probably saved my life when I could not take one more scrap of pain bc I had no skin left. And that numbness meant I couldn't see that I had PTSD....until I could...and then EMDR helped me be me again. With buttercups  :)

PS and in honour of my dad, bc it was his favourite, I bought chocolate cake on the way home to eat after my healthy chicken salad supper this evening  :)
« Last Edit: February 19, 2019, 07:31:02 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online TreasurTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6456
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2019, 07:42:50 AM »
And just belatedly realised that my breakthrough moment came on the day of the new Supermoon that UM has posted about here https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10662.0.... spooky
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Believer

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 390
  • Gender: Female
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2019, 09:07:34 AM »
Treasur,

So pleased to hear of the peace that your EMDR session brought you today. I agree with you that it’s a great technique - truly can reset a lot in life.

Hugs, Believer

Online PJ Ames

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 216
  • Gender: Male
Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #9 on: February 19, 2019, 10:05:11 AM »
Following along Treasur. Enjoy your cake!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk