Author Topic: My Story Babe carries on...  (Read 2589 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2019, 03:33:55 AM »
Does that make sense?
I'd be interested to what others use as a one or two sentence summary for new humans as you move forward?

IF the subject comes up at all (which it usually doesn't) my 2 sentences are that "my W left me 3 years ago, has filed for D, and we are currently awaiting the finalization.  That is all... just the facts, nothing more. That usually also shuts down any further discussion of the issue.....

If someone is really pushy, I just say that she decided she'd be happier single.....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2019, 11:37:42 PM »
EMDR...I know that some of us get frightened that either trauma has left us emotionally numb forever or that treatment will be too emotionally painful. Thought it might help to share that - albeit based on my experience - that isn't so.

When PTSD was in charge of me, I was essentially frightened to look at my own life bc everything was going to hurt - past, present and future -  and I worried that it would break me. But I also worried that I would never get back to normal feelings about anything or anyone again.

Going through photos is a bit scary tbh bc it has made me look at things I have avoided. So there have been some tears and some feelings of sorrow. BUT and it's a big but, they have been normal emotions, how you would expect to feel looking at photos of happy past times and people who have died that you loved. Nothing like the previous overwhelming pain and grief at all.

Just wanted to share that as a bit of encouragement for anyone thinking about EMDR or some other kind of trauma treatment. There is a new normal you on the other side and you will not always feel how you do right now.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2019, 01:50:03 AM »
Treasur,

I use pretty much what you say as the one-liner -- he had a breakdown and left us years ago.  For the first years I did what I could to avoid all discussion; and as he didn't finalise his divorce until just a couple of years ago if needed I could add that we weren't divorced, as that has now changed I say as little as possible.

I admit that in RL with people who didn't know us before I just avoid the topic altogether if at all possible, that may be easier for me as I have children, and people do assume that there is an H in the background in some way; I wear a ring on the finger that people expect to see a band (not a wedding ring, something very ambiguous), so that is my way of not talking about it. 

So yes, avoidance to some degree, but it seems to work.  If I'm asked about other relationships my stock answer is "I'm not ruling it out but I'm not looking", which also shuts down that conversation.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2019, 07:26:34 AM »
For me the issue continues to be how to answer the question to people who already know me and H. I tend to go for "We are no longer together" which normally triggers all sorts of "I'm sorry to hear that", "Oh that's so sad", etc etc... I tend to say "yes, very sad" and leave it at that...

If anyone new asks me if I'm married/kids... I just say "Nope, just me" - It's probably going to take me a while to find something that I'm "comfortable" with as an answer.. I still avoid the subject if at all possible.  :-\

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2019, 11:16:48 PM »
Couldn't sleep last night so up at 4. But sunrise has brought a nice spring morning so I am off to the allotment shortly.

As I've posted, I've been going through photos and came across a batch from 2015/2016. I think I took photos then bc I felt so dead inside that it was a reminder that I wasn't. I felt so sorry for that Treasur then. You can see the suffering written deep in my face. My own mask too with others. And all the GAL things I tried, small challenges to keep doing life even if I felt not alive. Handstands and sand castles and visits to friends and a choir and lunches and some of my mum and a solo trip to Paris and concerts and spending time with a shepherdess and lots of sunrises from early morning walks. I don't remember much of it at all but I felt so sorry for the woman in the photos bc she was trying so hard. You know how in that limbo time we desperately want to know what will happen, how things will turn out...well looking back I am glad I didn't know bc I'm not sure I could have survived knowing just how much worse it was going to get. I lost my mind a little bit in 2016 I think. Awful to see just how broken I was.

Very few photos of my then h bc I barely saw him. But a couple of early ones from the time between when he had his breakdown and the real BD - which was about 9 months. Useful in a way bc I can see how far from normal he was, how deep in depression he was. That I didn't imagine it.

One of the photos was a note he wrote. Not sure why I have a photo of it. I think he sent it as a picture bc he said he couldn't talk to me? And I must have kept it bc I thought it was important. Probably from the first couple of months after his breakdown but before he started seeing the psychiatrist, when he was still coming home occasionally, still talking a bit but making no sense. I thought I would share it here though as a little MLC window.

At the top of the page it is titled 'what I want'...his handwriting is peculiar, uneven and difficult to read. The list below:
- to get well
- to be quiet
- to have solitude
- to stop pretending
- to be me
- to stop hurting you (with an arrow that moves this to the top of the list)
- to stop faking
- to accept
- to hide
- to run
- to stop being scared

I have no idea - and didn't then - what sat behind any of this list bc my then h simply would not talk about it. I don't think he was having an affair then but idk. Or what else he was faking or pretending. Obviously his then wish to 'stop hurting me' was an epic fail  ::)...but it shows that he knew he was and that in the first couple of months still cared that he was. Still pretty bewildering to me bc for 18 years we talked all the time about everything...a very chatty relationship lol...until my h simply shut down and built an unbreachable wall of silence around himself.

But when I read it - as well as feeling very sad for both of us - it read like a checklist of some of the MLC stuff we speculate about. We doubt so much bc so much of it is invisible to us and the bits we see are incomprehensible. But with time comes a more objective eye which lets me see that, whatever this was, it wasn't about me at all. A little window into when my h broke and just before he went into the big replay stuff and burned all his bridges. I wonder how he would look at that list now and if his new life has released him from some or all of those feelings. Perhaps it has? Idk. Maybe he no longer feels as if he is pretending? But it seems to be like a list of a profoundly lost person who is afraid and no longer knows who they are. Just like we read about.

Made me miss my h a bit and feel real compassion for him. But for me too bc I can see that believing there was something I could do and hoping almost killed me. It seems so so sad for both of us, perhaps in different ways. Presumably at some point my then h...and I guess his psychiatrist and new chums...decided that he would no longer be scared or fake if he removed me from his life and chose a new one. We believe here that this isn't so, but tbh I have no way of knowing one way or the other. I guess the rational bit of me in 2017/18 said that - given he'd got what he wanted - he simply didn't behave like someone who was now happy, mentally well and at peace. Not in big things or in small things. He was still full of rage and fear and blame a few weeks before his divorce was final and he got remarried. I do wonder how he is now...partly curiosity, partly bc I loved him for 20 years...but of course, as the saying goes, curiosity killed the cat right? So I will do nothing and stay NC.

And yes, choosing to go NC does not remove him from my mind or heart. It just protects me from people who do not value me and might want to hurt me. Which includes my xh even if I don't know why he felt/feels that way. To those who have challenged me on this? I have watched someone I love taking their last breaths and I would have done anything to keep him with me for a little while longer. Choosing NC is a hard brave thing to do when it means that it is likely that you will never see the face of someone you love again in your lifetime, never know what happens to them or if they are ok. To me, it feels a bit like turning the life support machine off someone in a coma...the grief is not one jot less and it is the kind of choice that I don't think anyone can understand unless you have had to do it. I understand why I did, why it was necessary and the remaining wise choice and I don't need to defend it or justify all the feelings that go along with it. It is as it is. I can only hope that time shows it was the right choice but it felt like the right choice when I made it based on the information I had.

Again objectively, reminded by rose coloured glasses recent post on her lessons learned, there is no way a person can go through this kind of fracturing experience and come out as the person they were. Neither MLCer or LBS. The person I loved so much died then and I just didn't realise it for a long time. Sad though, really sad.

But there is a gift in finding it...a little bit of Real that shows whatever this was it was simply nothing to do with me or our old m and absolutely beyond my reach or influence.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 11:55:46 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2019, 03:26:50 AM »
Wow...In twelve days you completely filled 16 pages on one thread and now working on page 3 of another! :o

I had a lot to catch up on, so did a lot of skim reading...

And of course a forum fight broke out...and all sorts. ???

Lots of thoughts popped into my head in comment but what is really sticking out for me I guess in an analogy.



They church ladies who liked to come round, kept banging on at me about...''if someone offered you 8 glasses of water, and you knew all but one was poisoned would you drink?''

Their theory is that of course their church or religion is the only un-poisoned glass...the rest are tainted. ::)

But my brain instantly thought, and I verbally spoke:
''What if all the glasses are poisoned, and you are just so used to drinking your poison you now have a resistance to it....and what you drink is okay for you, but poison to another?''

She looked dumb founded, and confused....sorry lady  I am a biology student...it happens... and then as she was speechlessly sitting there I said:

''I think I would rather pour my own glass of water''.

The point of this with MLC, healing, dealing with other people... and whatever?

We all grew up drinking a certain glass of water. We are used to the make up of it, we are used to the poison or lack there of. So when we are forced to drink our MLCers glass....and get thrust into BD. We all are going to handle it differently.

I grew up with a very poisoned glass of water. My resistance to poison is thus very high. Drinking my MLCers glass...made me very very sick....but over all my high poison resistance has helped me get through it a bit easier, because I am used to the feeling of being sick.

You grew up with a pure and clean filtered glass of water. Maybe it had a little hidden minerals or something, but you were happy and loved and things were good (from what you say). So when your MLCer gave you a poisoned glass of water....you had no resistance. None. So your body is reacting differently, it may be harder to recover from....after all you aren't used to poison.

When other people offer you a glass of water,  you do not know if it has a hidden poison. You can look at it, and evaluate it, and try to assess how badly you need it...but you never really know if it is poison until you drink it. Then you choose to drink or walk away.


I dunno...I know what I am trying to say, and I hope that my weirdo geek speak is making some sort of sense.

Don't let words poison you. Don't worry if your poison resistance isn't as high.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 03:31:44 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2019, 05:59:19 AM »
Your last post has so much wisdom that I cannot even start to "comment" on specifics....thank you for sharing.

Quote
His list:

At the top of the page it is titled 'what I want'...his handwriting is peculiar, uneven and difficult to read. The list below:
- to get well
- to be quiet
- to have solitude
- to stop pretending
- to be me
- to stop hurting you (with an arrow that moves this to the top of the list)
- to stop faking
- to accept
- to hide
- to run
- to stop being scared

is "shockingly" real ...and is a real window into their thoughts and minds.....

Your choice of how you wanted to proceed, NC is YOUR right and nobody has the right to tell you that you should or shouldn't be doing what is right for you and your situation.

The only other comment I shall make, is that your post reiterates once again, this is not about us, it is not about our marriages. We are collateral damage and the well worn phrase " there is nothing we can say or do" that will change anything.

Even after so many years, I need that reminder because I question, have I done enough to show him that he is still loved? This comes from my religious teachings and study that speak strongly about forgiveness and making amends with our "enemies"..it is central to my faith which is really important to me, to how I wish to live my life...that I am not to harbor any kind of grudge against another, that I am to make the first step towards reconciliation....and I question, have I done enough?

I always seem to need reassurance that yes, I have remained open to him by seeing him when he asks, my responding to him and contacting him with wishes for his birthday etc...but I still feel "guilt" that maybe I just am not being forgiving enough.

But then I am reminded, he is not in any place that is receptive to my love, that I cannot do anything in this except trust God. And, in order to survive, I also have to do whatever I need to do to protect myself from the pain that is caused by his rejection, betrayal and abandonment...so it's a really fine line for me.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that we get healed enough to start living again, to build a life, to smile and see the world as a beautiful place...and we do that in a way that works best for us......

Thanks treasur..it is early morning here and your post struck me and helped me to figure some things out that have been dancing around my brain.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2019, 06:12:15 AM »
Yup, Morte, your geek speak makes huge sense.
I was a toddler. I had never lost anyone close to me. I had never been betrayed by someone who I loved. I had never been abused. I had never felt fear. Or despair. Or trauma. Or someone else's crazy. And the photo reminded me of just how crazy a time it was dealing with someone who simply would not talk to me after so many shared years. Being frightened or unsure about asking even a very simple normal day to day kind of question. It was madness...and most of it wasn't mine.

My life had the normal ups and downs but nothing that prepared me for this bit of my life...not just MLC h craziness but all my other simultaneous losses. I had no clue and no toolbox at all.

Now I am grateful for that bc it isn't what everyone gets.
But yes, I had no immune system...so it almost killed me. Now? I suppose I have tools and knowledge that would allow me to respond differently. Hopefully.

And xyz? I am very glad that the little window on my then h's head helped you in some small way. Like you my faith is important to me. But I'm not sure about forgiveness tbh. Difficult to forgive what you don't understand and when someone has not asked for your forgiveness. I am content to not feel vengeful, to (just about) be able to separate the person I loved from the rather dangerous way he treated me. But deep forgiveness? Might be above my pay grade so I'll let God look after that. There was a time I think when I believed my then h needed my forgiveness to heal himself. That may or may not be true. But now I am much more concerned about healing me than if/how he heals. I think respecting his choice and quietly remembering the person I knew is good enough.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 06:14:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2019, 07:02:39 AM »
Foregiveness - the most important person to start with is YOU.

Once you get past that point you can worry about your ex or any one else.

I think you are exactly in the right place at this point,
I am not saying you are done healing as that may be a lifetime event but
all things will come with due time.

Great list - that you shared about your MLC'er - I am assuming that was around his BD.
Might be nice if it was dated in regards to that event.

Keep up the good work!

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe carries on...
« Reply #29 on: February 22, 2019, 07:30:41 AM »
It was a few weeks after BD1...which I didn't know was a BD lol...at this point he (and me) were dealing with the depressive breakdown. At that point he was begging me not to give up on him...but using his 'illness' as an excuse for not talking to me. Pretty much his stance for the next 6 months, then he wanted to reconnect, said he loved me...which lasted about 2 months I think, then BD 2. I have no idea what else was going on in the background or with ow.

The real R BD was about 8 months later May 16..'divorce is the only option' one....followed by refusing to talk again...then got the threats about a month or so later I think which was my first bit of evidence of an ow.

Thanks for the encouragement, OP.
I think the PTSD 'cost' me a year or so of processing so in a funny way I feel like I am catching up with myself. But my progress has been quite speedy in the last few months lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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