Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How?  (Read 1881 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2019, 07:58:06 PM »
By default, I tend to think a MLCer is in Replay unless they have consistently showed otherwise.

Really liked the cake analogy and laughed at "or worse, went and sat in the oven in solidarity with the cake?" The idea of sat in the oven in solidarity with the cake, read MLCer, is amusing. No sane person would do it.

The “toothpick test” applied to Mr J since he re-start to e-mail in 2016 is mixed. At times the toothpick comes out clean, other times it does not. He still needs to be in the oven to bake.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2019, 02:47:50 AM »
I to enjoy the cake analogy...it is very apt.

And also makes me realise how much I love cake.... :o ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2019, 07:25:04 AM »
Dear Nas, Disillusioned, Whyus, Milly, xyzcf, Roo, Rose, One day, Anjae and Morte, thank you for enjoying the ‘cake’.

Here is some cake for xyzcf and Morte: 🍰🍰 Sorry, no chocolate, xyzcf...

Some more musings as they pop up in my mind!  Oh, hindsight is a wonderful thing! 

By default, I tend to think a MLCer is in Replay unless they have consistently showed otherwise.

I think so, too, based on my personal experience and a few MLCers I’m familiar with in real life.  They seem to show some signs of ‘recovery’, only to go back to where they were, which is Replay. In 100% of the cases.  I realize it is a very small sample...

In my personal experience, it was not good for my emotional health to read anything other than ‘cycling within Replay’ when H showed some sane moments.  I had thought (alas, too many times) H was just about done with this crazy phase and then, to my shock and horror, he was back to it.  Rinse and repeat.  Talk about rollercoasting with MLCer!  Yep, I did that.

Eventually, I learned to weave ‘consistency over a long period of time’ into my LBS attitude in regards to anything MLC-related.  Little fog-free pop ups, and there were many, stopped to impress me.  I would shrug my shoulders and think, ‘O yeah? Moving on. Now, where is that tomato? I need make a salad’ kind of thing.

About reconnecting and MLC phases.

H leaving behind replay and spending a lot of time in solitude in his ‘suite’ and while travelling coincided with reconnecting.  As he wound down replay activities, his darting eyes and intense body language (leaning forward and ready to ‘attack’ the next activity) gradually disappeared, and he increased his reconnecting attempts.  I guess the headspace created by kicking out some aspects of replay allowed him to reconnect.  We are fortunate in that H chose to use some of the newly created headspace for reconnecting.  It is entirely possible that he could have chosen to use that space to depart from us - get a lawyer, get his financial ducks in a row, look for an apartment, etc.

As some have accurately pointed out, reconnecting is not a phase in MLC.  In my H’s case, reconnecting was one of many possible symptoms of his progress along the tunnel, thankfully. 

About consistency in reconnecting.

I didn’t even think about changing the thread colour to light purple until 1 year of tentative reconnecting and another year of action-packed, consistent reconnecting had been in the rear view.  OP, Thunder, Anjae and Co. taught me well and I waited for the evidence to pile up.  Thank you to the vets...

About the nature of reconnecting.

Not just the reconnecting actions, but everything else mattered, too, in H’s reconnecting.  The look in his eyes (no more dead fish eyes, return of warmth and sparkle, unvelied and honest), his relaxed, open, gentle body language, his natural kind demeanour, voluntary accountability, time spent with the family, etc.  Reconnecting is a package deal.  In my H’s case, it encompassed ALL aspects of his life - body, mind and soul.  He showed changed attitude to God, himself, family, friends, work colleagues, strangers, even to the environment.

If I had to sum up my recommendation to the people that wonder if what’s happening in their situation is really ‘reconnecting’, I would say ‘look at the big picture’ - consistency over a long period and all aspects of MLCer’s life. 

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that my musings are based on one anecdote...

Have a great day, everyone. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #23 on: February 22, 2019, 07:31:36 AM »
Thank you Acorn.  I needed this today. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #24 on: February 22, 2019, 07:41:45 AM »
A question, Acorn...curiosity for me but maybe useful for those with liveins or in early stages of reconnecting.
It seems that even if they are no longer replay monster, their capacity to interact 'normally' with you as a spouse is pretty limited. You have been very open here in sharing how you dealt with your MLCer then.
But it occurs to me, from the LBS point of view, that you are living for quite a while in a far from normal relationship....and one that meets few/none of your normal human needs for everything from chat at one end to intimacy at the other. Which sounds quite demanding.

How did you feed that bit of your own 'bucket' at that time, Acorn?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2019, 08:03:20 AM »
Roo, I just read your post on your thread.  Give it TIME...  You are one of those people that are capable of seeing the big picture.  Your posts attest to that.  I have confidence that you will thrive in your own life, no matter what happens with your MLCer and M. 

Treasur, it’s not too complicated for me to answer that. 

I count my blessings.  I focus on what I have.  I do not wish to let ‘my H failed to meet my needs! >:( >:( >:(!!!’ to overcome me.  I can always ‘want’.  I refuse to take that attitude of ‘it’s not enough’.  Why?  Such a waste of time to live in that kind of unsatisfied way.  Life is too short for that.

The following surmarizes my attitude regarding R with H. 

I am complete, with or without H. 
He does not give me happiness and a sense of fulfilment, I do. 
He does not grant me a sense of who I am.  I do. 
My sense of worth is not dependant on what H is, what he thinks of me, whether he is with me or not.

All same things said in different ways.  In short, I define myself and what my joy constitutes, and I choose to live without perpetually wanting more.  I have enough today. 
« Last Edit: February 22, 2019, 08:21:48 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline dogwalker

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2019, 11:30:52 PM »
Attaching Acorn. Thank you for sharing everything. I'm still not sure if we are at the reconnecting stage or its just another touch and go. BUT OM has been gone for 2 weeks now and xW is like a unsure puppy wanting to come over and chat and yet still nervious and happy to watch from behind the sofa still. But spending less time behind it over the last few days. I'm using your story as a bit of a realty check so I hope you dont mind. And yes I am also stuggling to use my zipper and not ask all those question I want to ask. Which is hard isnt it. However on some things she has opened up to on in her own moments of talking which is  far more productive.

Many thanks DW

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #27 on: February 25, 2019, 10:38:38 AM »
The following surmarizes my attitude regarding R with H. 

I am complete, with or without H. 
He does not give me happiness and a sense of fulfilment, I do. 
He does not grant me a sense of who I am.  I do. 
My sense of worth is not dependant on what H is, what he thinks of me, whether he is with me or not.

All same things said in different ways.  In short, I define myself and what my joy constitutes, and I choose to live without perpetually wanting more.  I have enough today. 

Beautifully said.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #28 on: February 25, 2019, 11:20:40 AM »
From my previous thread:

Quote
I’m wondering if H has read HB’s article regarding the end of MLC journey and how MLCer treats LBS, because he is following her exact descriptions.

I found the article by HB I mentioned above, all by chance!   Dogwalker asked for it, so here it is.
The date of the article: March 31, 2014.  It was an answer to a question by Merciful.  That’s all backgorund info I have. 

One of the most marked changes one can see within the mid-life is the learned ability to truly love in an unconditional way for the first time in their lives. Their world becomes “wrapped” around the left-behind spouse in ways not before seen. They become protective of the relationship, and instead of always thinking about themselves, they seek to understand spouse’s emotional needs, and does their best to meet those. They become “inter-dependent” rather than “co-dependent”–still retaining their individuality, while remaining as part of a relationship. In essence, their lives are separate, yet they clearly recognize their commitment to the person they are married to.

One also sees their willingness to take complete responsibility and ownership on their own part for the damage that was done during the worst of the mid-life crisis, and a willingness to do whatever it will take to mend the fences that were broken during that time. These things are shown in part during the crisis itself, but once the crisis is exited out by way of the Final Fears, a time of renewal, rebuilding, and reconciliation begins that leads forward into a full showing of, “I did this, I’m truly sorry. What can I do to ensure it doesn’t happen again?” kind of attitude.


H is well past the starting line as per above. 
One thing I would like to note is that his mirror work on his issues is verbally expressed.  His positive changes toward me are shown mostly in his daily actions, particulary in the past 14 months.  Not a day goes past without him showing the changes.  He anticipates my needs and wants. 

His ownership of the damages is also shown through his attitude and actions toward me, our kids, his FOO and close friends. 

To FW: :)


« Last Edit: February 25, 2019, 11:27:38 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How?
« Reply #29 on: February 25, 2019, 11:33:36 AM »
Acorn I can’t tell you how wonderful it is for me to hear that your H is behaving exactly as is described in HB’s article. For anyone standing this news increases hope. It lends weight to what we are told to expect.

You are so good to keep posting for those of us still here.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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