Author Topic: My Story Long Haul Truckin'  (Read 2259 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #140 on: May 17, 2019, 05:44:32 AM »
Not sure if you’ve had that R talk yet, PJ.
If you haven’t had the talk yet, may I suggest that you treat it as part of MLCer’s ups and downs if/when it happens. (I hated it when the vets here told me that...  I really wanted to view those positive talks and actions as a milestone in H’s MLC journey and our R.)

What I understood from my H (yeah I know, just one sample...) is that he said and did according to how felt right in that moment.  That fuzzy feeling toward M and family may last a few minutes, a few hours, or even a week, and then off he went into the darkest part of the tunnel.  Rinse and repeat.  I stopped counting the number of times he did that.  After a while, I kind off shut my ears and eyes off to that sort of fluctuation. 

I’m saying this so that your expectation level does not creep up above 0. 
I suggest that if your expectation is non-existent, you can deal with any R convos with equanimity.  That’s the best way to communicate with MLCer.  Equanimity - cool, calm and collected, and do not get sucked into MLCer’s vortex.

If I’m barking up the wrong tree here, sure, ignore what I said.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #141 on: May 17, 2019, 06:56:29 AM »
So last night W said she was "too tired to talk" so I went out and did some things with friends. She's also made plans with soon-to-be DIL for tonight. So who knows when (or if) "the talk" will happen. Typical.

I had a similar experience as HelpingMe in that W got kind of hypersexual with me after things ended (EA) with OM1. I know, I know, I would MUCH rather have that problem than the opposite, but it was weird.

I think things finally ended with OM2 (FA or EA) in January. I discovered the situation in November, but I know there was contact for a while afterwards. She was pretty depressed through April, but has gotten a lot more pleasant and cheerful lately. Maybe she's finally done with affair withdrawal? Who knows. I think I goofed by letting her talk me into starting MC while she was still in affair withdrawal mode. Way too much for her to handle in her fragile state.

Thanks for the reminders about keeping expectations to zero. It's just very odd that she would want initiate a relationship talk. She hasn't done that in YEARS.

Maybe my spidey senses are out of whack, but it really does seem to me that something has changed and she's entering into or has entered a new phase. It's like her cycles are happening more quickly now and something has broken one way or another.

Nothing for me to do but hang in there and try not to worry about what I can't control. Thanks for listening everyone!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #142 on: May 17, 2019, 07:07:19 AM »
Quote
Nothing for me to do but hang in there and try not to worry about what I can't control. 

Ain’t that the truth?!  Leave her to it.  She either progresses in the tunnel or she doesn’t.  Her choice.  Absolutely up to her.  The only thing LBS can do is refraining from tapping on MLCer’s shoulder and making them pause and see what’s going on. 

You sound very calm and collected.  Fantastic! 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #143 on: May 17, 2019, 08:37:41 AM »
Mine was hypersexual during her supposed EA, and it was such a departure from the entire history of our marriage that it was my first inclination that something was going on.  We went from an all time worst of 10 X being intimate in one year, to being intimate once or twice a week for an entire year.  I won't go into the details here, but she was a different person in bed for that year.  Sadly, I now know why and that it is common.  That, in itself, is a difficult thing to deal with.  The only reason I was finally having sex is because she was having an affair.  This behavior was complete with sexy photos of herself at work and home, but always covering her face.  Now, in retrospect, I'm sure those were being sent to more than just me.  :-[  Another thing that occurred is that she said she no longer wanted to "make love."  She just wanted to "F."  I obliged her at first.  But I could soon tell that there was no loving, caring woman there anymore, and I started to feel used.  I guess it wasn't a stretch to feel that way since she once said, afterward: "How does it feel to get used for sex?" 

This is not a fun time to recall.  I think her filing this week has me cycling a bit.

I looked up MOM's wife yesterday and was greeted by a bunch of photos of OM....
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline Music45

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #144 on: May 17, 2019, 10:51:29 AM »
Hi PJ
Just to add my twopenneth here as an LBS who has had her H come back wanting the marriage a couple of times, before going off again. Hold your course, this could be something and could be nothing and you wont know till way on down the line.
Also, you didn't goof by going to mc. Be kind to yourself. You thought you were doing the right thing.
This MLC stuff is tough. Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #145 on: May 17, 2019, 01:11:45 PM »
PJ 
One reason your W is changing a bit is because of you. It's your actions. Stay your course my friend. Do not change. Let her keep coming.
Dis
My W said exact words to me. All she wanted was just that!!!     I never thought a man could be used or atleast feel that way. But I did the same. I got to where I felt horrible. Especially when we think all their needs that thwy have are from fantasizing about OM. Just part of their game I guess.

PJ your doing good man. Just keep easing along. Keep letting her come to you. If she's like my W, as soon as I changed, and fell back in, off she went.

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #146 on: May 17, 2019, 10:04:21 PM »
First thing: W's notebook with counseling notes was gone from the nightstand this morning. She didn't mention it to me. Not sure if it was a test or if she just forgot it was there. I'm just thanking God I don't have to see it there any more and that I didn't read it.

Tonight we had that relationship talk that she initiated. I think it actually went pretty well. She has very different memories than I do about some things that happened and she's still not ready to completely face reality about what she's done, but tonight was by far the best relationship talk in years. No tears, no monster, no threats. She said she felt better about things afterwards. She said she's nowhere close to filing for divorce but she does still think about divorce from time to time. But, from what I can tell, she's taken no actions in that direction and she did say that she doesn't want a divorce. So I think these are all positives. She does seem to be at least trying now. More so than before.

The most troubling thing she said is that still feels empty inside when she is with me. She said she doesn't know why she feels that way but she doesn't think it's anything I did or am doing. She's just really confused and doesn't understand her own feelings.

But that's for her to sort out. I'm just glad I've dodged another bullet, still remain intact and my W is still at home 3 years into this. But dang, my heart has taken a beating. I need rest.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and life-saving advice. Keep on truckin' y'all.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Silver

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #147 on: May 20, 2019, 01:10:03 AM »
Hi PJ, good to hear your talk went good. By saying she's not completely ready to face about what she's done, did you feel she took at least some responsibility of it?
Absolutely don't want to discourage you in any way, but remember not to let your expectations to rise bro. My XW said she doesn't want divorce and she filed soon after that. Looking back I believe she wanted separate from me but was way too afraid for making mistake with it. I had numerous of discussions, R talks with her and as much as I told myself I'm not letting myself have expectations, only hope, I understand now that every smallest sign, every 'well going' discussion with her made me drop in some kind of denial for a while. Can't blame myself though, it was much less painful that way. Talk is talk and without actions, nothing matters much.

Your situation may be totally different, I pray it is but remember to protect yourself from expectations, sit back and look what happens, don't rely on words.

Hope I didn't dispirited you, you are doing very good!

 

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline PJ AmesTopic starter

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #148 on: May 20, 2019, 06:09:19 AM »
Thanks Silver. No worries and thanks for the reminder about expectations. I've gotten hurt before when she has started acting more normal and I looked to her for emotional support. Even things like when I have a bad day at work, I know I can't count on her for sympathy. Sad but true. It's like I'm married but I don't have a wife.

As for taking responsibility, she's given me kind of a generic apology of "sorry for everything." But nothing specific. Last time we talked about OM was in counseling and she called it a friendship that got a little carried away. So, still minimizing. But I don't expect any real remorse any time soon. She's nowhere near strong enough to face herself like that and probably won't be for a long time. At this point, I'm just glad she's pleasant and not taking any steps toward divorce. I'm just trying to outlast her crisis.

And you're right. There's no telling what she'll do tomorrow.

"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Reply #149 on: May 20, 2019, 07:18:53 AM »
Pj
That's good convo from your W. Is she owning up to everything?? Nope. But it will come in little steps.
My W has said something close to that. I think it's guilt that keeps them from feeling comfortable around us. When will we blow up again???? It takes awhile.
As Silver said. Just stay as you are my friend. Try to keep expectations low. I thin your doing that.
Just enjoy the Peace my friend. Let her work.
In my case here lately. The more she comes to me. The more I detach. I'm not meaning I pull away more. I'm just doing more of what I used too. I do my normal things.  I lost that for a long time. Every single thought I had in my head was her first. What would she do??. What would she think??. Would this affect her if I want there, etc. I just started going back to my normal life. It's helped me. More I was there. Seeing her pain. It hurt me more. I try and give her all the room I can. Now if she comes to me???? I'm there for her.

 

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