Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2340
  • Gender: Female
My Story I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
OP: February 28, 2019, 07:28:45 AM
Quote
But I have to take into account that at some point, if/when I can move forward, the courts will say, "But you did have contact with him at certain points..."   

Anjae, under the normal circumstance, I fully agree.  Be civil and be the bigger person.  Absolutely.
I read the above and thought about the legal implications.   

How realistic is that above scenario, Nas, in your situation and in your state?

I'm really not sure how realistic it is, Acorn.  Which is why I'm hesitant to risk it.

When the dog got very sick, he sent me an email in which he claimed he hadn't contacted me for a year because his phone went through the washing machine.  He also said he can't email me unless he goes to the local library because his laptop died. (I guess he lives in that house with OW and 3 kids but no computers, tablets or working cellphones?)

Then when the dog died, he posted to Facebook but didn't tell me.  He was so solely concerned with his own grief over the dog, he didn't even consider me.  When I messaged him the next day, he promised to send me the dog's collar and then never did.

When my mother died, I contacted him in a moment of weakness.  So I really don't know if/when he would have reached out about that.  But my sense is MIL told him about my father and who knows if he reached out on his own or if she "suggested" it or told him to.  Is it a change?

Not really.  He also reached out briefly immediately after he heard I had cancer, and also wished me a happy birthday (from the dog) a month later.  Then he disappeared completely, stopped checking his email and changed his phone number. 

So he does do the bare minimum expected of a human being.  I don't think the fact that he does just enough to be able to say he did something is anything to be celebrated, though. 

Again, it would be different if he hadn't moved so far away with my dog and then made the unilateral decision to euthanize the dog and not think about my feelings enough to even tell me before posting it on social media.

It would be different if he hadn't moved in with his mom rent free and then moved away to OW without a care of where I would live or if I was okay.

It would be different if he hadn't paid me the agreed upon spousal support for only 2 months in 2016 and then quit and not paid me anything since.

It would be different if he had maybe checked in once or twice even to just ask how I was doing during my scary, difficult cancer journey - instead of disappearing and changing his phone number.

It is also of note that the last email I sent him, the one that he didn't read for 10 months, was the one in 2017 where I sent him a note on the 20th anniversary of his father's sudden death (his father who, incidentally, died while with his OW after leaving H's mother.)
So he knows how it feels to lose a father suddenly.  And it makes sense to think hearing about my father's sudden death triggered memories back to the day he learned of his own father's sudden death.



To go back to your cousin, Nas, did she mention her exH? If she did, did she give any idea that she messed up or shouldn't have let him go?

She has only mentioned him in regards to her 2 daughters who still don't talk to her, when she said, "Somehow [ExH] is a saint and I'm the bad guy."
So no, she didn't show any sense of wishing she hadn't let him go.  But again, he got remarried and there's no chance of reconciling, so my opinion is even if she feels it was a mistake, she'd have to be a lot further ahead in her growth and healing to admit she made a mistake, knowing he's moved on.

Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10641.150
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10250
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#1: February 28, 2019, 07:37:23 AM
Attaching...

And you can change the title of your thread later if you want...
  • Logged
« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 07:43:27 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23088
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#2: February 28, 2019, 07:40:03 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Nas.   :)

I'll be following. 
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6146
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#3: February 28, 2019, 07:45:56 AM
Nas,

I am here - can't say much as I am not in your shoes, just that I can understand not wanting to read the full message... you are right, leave it as long as you wish. There is no need to go pain shopping.

Certain popular apps for communication have a means of knowing whether a person has read a message or not, but there are ways to NOT allow your interlocutor see whether you have read it. My boss uses this subterfuge ::) - it's in the settings - I don't know if it is specific to iPhones or not. My h. has taken to turning off his "last seen", but I get the blue ticks when he reads something. I am an open book, you can see last seen and when I read messages :P

(((Hugs)))

  • Logged
M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#4: February 28, 2019, 07:48:59 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Nas.

I am not seeing the legal problem with saying thank you to his condolences. There has been previous contact between the two of you and he didn't sent any money.

Therefore, the not sending money does not seem to be a legal reason for not saying thank you. Otherwise, it would also be a legal problem to have sent him a message the day after your dog died.

Sorry, I thought it has been him who had contated you when your mum died. If you contacted him when she died, again, what is the legal problem with saying thank you to his condolences?

You contacted him before, he has e-mailed in the past = there has been contact.

The money issue already existed when that other contact happened, including when you contacted him when your mum died. Why is it different this time?

Is it so horrible to say thank you? I understand that you may not want to read the message right now. But that has nothing to do with reading it and saying thank you being a legal problem.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2340
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#5: February 28, 2019, 07:54:52 AM
It's different because - at least the way I see it, and maybe a lawyer can chime in with an opinion - the more time that passes and the more communication we have about things other than my need for him to pay/legal issues, the worse position I am in to actually get anything out of him.  So it's in my best interest to cease communication until I am in a place where I can respond to his message AND also follow up on legal issues.  And that time is not right now, because it always includes frustrating foolishness on his part that I can't deal with now while I'm dealing with cancer, the death of both my parents in a 3-week time span and complete emotional exhaustion.
  • Logged

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2340
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#6: February 28, 2019, 07:58:46 AM
I did consider responding by saying thank you and then adding that it's been an extremely tough time and I need him to do right by me.  But again, I'm too emotionally exhausted right now to handle his potentially uncooperative or foolish response.  Best to say nothing for right now.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#7: February 28, 2019, 08:11:44 AM
Things are different here from a legal point of view. Here, 2 years or more without communication is grounds for divorce. I am not up to give Mr J one more silly reason for him to run to divorce court. So, a once a year e-mail, be it by him to me, or mine to him, sorts that matter.

Also, here, it is important to always be civil and reply to things like condolences. It means that, despite the situation, there is no resentment and that one is being correct.

Different countries, different laws.

I did consider responding by saying thank you and then adding that it's been an extremely tough time and I need him to do right by me. 

That could go several ways. He wouldn't say more. He would fire tons of crazy MLC stuff.

But again, I'm too emotionally exhausted right now to handle his potentially uncooperative or foolish response.  Best to say nothing for right now.

Take time for yourself, Nas.


Take time for yourself, Nas.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2340
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#8: February 28, 2019, 08:15:38 AM
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23088
  • Gender: Female
Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#9: February 28, 2019, 09:51:58 AM
Nas, I understand after all the emotional stuff you have gone through being completely and emotionally exhausted.

YOU are what's important right now, not him.  Being that exhausted is not good for you.  You need what ever strength you have right now to get through your treatments.
Do what ever it takes to concentrate on you right now.

Everything else can wait until you are stronger.

Hugs

  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.