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Author Topic: My Story I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title

A
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My Story Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#120: November 24, 2019, 02:02:55 PM
I really appreciated being able to read Pumpkin’s thread as it explains one MLCer’s headspace during crisis. 

It makes sense to remove as much confusion as possible on a site like this because the new arrivals are heartbroken, perplexed and need simple route to information they are seeking.    I know how I felt! 
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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

N

Nas

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Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#121: December 19, 2019, 01:03:11 PM
This is a post in response to the following that was on 3longyrs thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?action=post;quote=752985;topic=7812.60
as I did not want to hijack:

To clarify for the final time.  This person Nas refers was known personally to OP and had been friends for some time.  Not only that the family knew of the forum and had no problem with OP releasing the information.

Of course if this person's name had been released without any permission then fair cop. But that is not the case - the family knew of  and are aware of the forum and how their relative had been involved with both the forum and OP personally.

First of all, it took weeks to get any response to my messages of concern about this particular post that contained SO MUCH identifying information.

Then the response I received was a condescending "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Now after no response at all, there's a haughty post about how this guy's family knows about his participation in the forum.
Okay, fine.  Assuming that's the case, there is STILL no reason to include his name and so much personal information.
Assuming OP knew this man personally (which from the post, it was written as though OP had been alerted to the man's death by another member whom OP knows personally, elray) - UNLESS every single other member past and present of HS knew this man personally and knew all of his personal info, what is the reason for and how is it OKAY to post his full name on the forum? 

How many people knew this man by his real name?  Probably none, or a handful.  And that handful would have met him through the forum where they knew him by his username.  So why would you ever need to post anything other than his username?

And if anyone really felt such a burning need to post all that personal info and had the consent of the family, why not say upfront that his family was okay with it?
And why would his family be okay with it?  That seems odd in itself. 

And why the need to rehash the man's troubled past with the forum and his personal issues and the fact that he was banned?

There seemed very little need for any of it and no explanation for some very questionable decisions. 

And the final why: why are very valid concerns about privacy met with first silence and then a condescending response and then sanctimonious frustration over having to deal with answering the concern? 

There was no reason to post that man's name alongside his username.  Or where he lives.  Or his occupation.
Even if members know each other by real life names, there is NO reason ever to post those names on the forum.
I'm sure the family did not say "Please post that he died and include all of his personal info."
In fact, from the way the post is written, the family didn't contact OP.  Elray, another poster, did. 

Regardless, it really doesn't mean squat that his family knew of the member's participation in the forum.  The member had passed away and was not able to give his permission to use his name. 
And unless each and every single member of his family gave their individual permission to post his full name and personal info, it's a breach of privacy that leads back to all of his family members. 

And anyone who thinks I'm just being a troublemaker, think to yourself how you would like it if something happened to you and your forum friend posted:
"[insert your full real name here], who goes by the username ___ from [insert your city of residence here] had an accident and is in the hospital and needs your prayers."
Or God forbid:
"The member [username], whose real name is [real name] passed away from [abc disease] on Dec 19.  You may remember that this member struggled with [your personal demons/struggles that you shared on the forum]..."
OR how about if someone were to post your personal info such that your spouse's personality-disordered OP was somehow able to connect you to all the posts you'd made on this forum (and all the things you've written about your spouse and their OP)? 

There are a huge number of downsides and potential problems that can come of posting identifying info and absolutely ZERO upsides. 

There is just never, ever a valid or appropriate reason to use a members real name, especially full first and last name in conjunction with many other identifying facts.
"I knew him personally" is not a reason.

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« Last Edit: December 19, 2019, 02:21:45 PM by Nas »

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Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#122: December 19, 2019, 11:24:23 PM
Posting here bc I was going to post on a discussion thread FAO of the Moderators. But it seems to have disappeared overnight? Which seems a bit odd.

Initially I was undecided about the issue. (Which I think has now been resolved with the name redacted?). Logically Nas is quite right but I didn't feel strongly about it. However, after a rule of 3 aka a night's sleep, I think the simple truth for me is that using real names here is against HS's own code of conduct. If we have rules governing how HS works - regardless of the circumstances or 3rd party permissions given by non HS members or offline relationships - we should stick to those rules or the code of conduct becomes pointless.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#123: February 16, 2020, 12:46:14 AM
Hallo Nas, I hope everything`s okay with you as you haven`t posted in quite a while.
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Me: 56 (when he left in April 2017)
MLCer: 57 (when he left in April 2017)
Together since: 1986
Married: No
Children:No
Begin of P`s MLC: around Spring 2010 with breaks inbetween when he behaved like his pre MLC self.
OW: YES , he`s living together with an old spinster who just happens to live up the road.
Animals: 1 doggie, belongs to both of us but MLCers has abandoned him too.

"Surrender to what is, let go of what was, have faith in what will be"

N

Nas

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I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#124: August 01, 2020, 07:45:58 PM
Someday I’ll have a birthday where I’m so fabulously celebrating, I don’t even think to locate my long abandoned thread and post a rare check in.

I see lots of newbies on the forum. That makes me sad. 😞

Not much to report from me anyway. 5 years out. Still hear from mil but in a delusional “let’s pretend my son doesn’t exist” kind of way that is unhealthy and not something I’m interested in doing.

I’m still fighting cancer and trying to rebuild every aspect of life. Though “fighting” is maybe not the right word. I’m stable disease atm but with some worrisome issues being monitored (and a separate primary thyroid cancer to boot) and have already made the decision that if I come up again against a situation where I need to go back on a whole new chemotherapy regimen or any other protocol, I will decline.
That is far from a “I have nothing to live for without my marriage” decision. (I don’t pay my H any mind and have not been focused on him for a long long time.) It’s much more of a “I just can’t put my body through that again knowing that I will remain financially struggling and therefore under high anxiety and stress for literally for the rest of my life.” It doesn’t seem worth it. So that’s my decision. It’s maybe the only thing I have control over.

I’m being super cautious due to this pandemic that is wreaking havoc in all of our lives. Based on a recent event that I can only consider a miracle, I *think* I have an opportunity to have a stable roof over my head from September until May. It’s tremendously uncertain right now what will happen between now and May and I can only pray that I find a job before then.

Of course it seems like yet another practical joke from the universe that I had just started entertaining the idea of becoming a teacher -possibly reading specialist -  when the pandemic hit and now of course being high risk, teaching in a school is for the time being completely out of the question for me. (And online teaching when I am living in between a flooded basement and a storage unit is not ideal and I can’t imagine any school district that would entertain  it LOL.)
In fact, it seems like all of the potential soul-satisfying careers I have brainstormed about are all in lines of work that are heavily affected by this pandemic. For instance, I’ve realized along my cancer journey that there is a high demand for massage therapists who specialize in cancer patients. So I had thought about going to school for massage. Well, a high-risk cancer patient certainly cannot be in an occupation that literally requires touching people all day long. 🤦‍♀️

I really hope this virus can get under control sooner than later.

 I’ve realized along this journey just how little I need in my life to be happy. Unfortunately, I’ve also realized how much harder it is for me to even obtain the little that I need to be happy. Bit by bit, piece by piece, I am just trying to put it all back together. Working really hard. Someday I will have a really positive and happy update. Until then, updating my thread will probably remain a rare occurrence.

I wish nothing but the best for all of you and hope that you are all keeping safe and not having too hard of a time during this crazy, crazy time in history.
Love to you all.
xx
Nas

ETA: my thread title Is still appropriate. I’m STILL really tired. Just really, really tired.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 07:47:05 PM by Nas »

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I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#125: August 01, 2020, 11:49:00 PM
Good to hear from you, Nas, and happy birthday  :)
I hope that the stable roof option works out as a belated birthday gift from the universe.....

I can't even begin to imagine how frustrating and exhausting it must feel that the realities of the pandemic are closing off other avenues to you right now. And you don't owe us a 'happy' update.....tbh I think that 'ta dah magically fixed' kind of update is pretty rare after a life s$itstorm of epic proportions...the bit by bit slog is much more common it seems to me. Along with small pleasures and a real sense of gratitude that, whatever else is happening, we are no longer in the throes of pain that we see when a newbie posts and remember still. And that, with time, our spouses do fade from our musings.....

Thank you for coming back to say hello for those of us who value your voice so much, and our little clanishers of the vanishers subgroup  :) And, if nothing else, I hope your update reminds anyone who isn't so sure about the importance of adjusting their behaviour to protect others from the risks of this virus that there are folks for whom it is vital even when we don't know their circumstances.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 11:50:29 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#126: August 02, 2020, 02:34:20 AM
Hi Nas, nice to have an update from you. Sorry that your health issues continue to be a worry, and on top of that, they limit your opportunities. I admire you for having a plan in place. I certainly hope that your health may remain stable.

You have done so well searching for job opportunities that would in normal circumstances (without COVId) have been an option for you. You really are inventive and determined, a great example for all of us. You think that your job ideas are not an option for you, but there's a good chance that there will be a vaccine for covid at the beginning of 2021, and then you could implement some of these ideas you have.

Wishing you a happy birthday for yesterday.xx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

N
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I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#127: August 02, 2020, 05:08:26 AM
I’m also sorry life has given you such huge obstacles and that the pandemic has paused some of your plans.  It must be a constant worry to think that some bad medical tests change everything in an instant.  Your fortitude is amazing. 
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Re: I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#128: August 02, 2020, 10:42:46 AM
Big hugs and support always, Nas!!
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

s
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I'm tired; My next thread will have a clever title
#129: August 02, 2020, 07:33:33 PM
Belated birthday wishes, Nas. 

I had noticed that you had posted briefly on another thread recently and I was wondering how you were doing. 

Thank you for the update. 

Yes, COVID has certainly made a mess of our school systems. 

I do hope you are able to secure the stable roof.  Please do keep us updated.   My best to you. 
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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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