Author Topic: My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths  (Read 2371 times)

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« on: February 28, 2019, 03:52:33 PM »
My first new thread in what seems like forever.  I used to start new ones almost daily in the early days but things have slowed down now.....thankfully.

STP - don’t know what you meant by the last comment but it was very rude sounding.  She’s a very beautiful lady and very humble about the fact.  She could certainly do better than me in the looks department, and I hope that at 50+ you’re not still dating women due to looks alone.

Had dinner last night along with a very frank and honest discussion.  The title of my thread comes from the fact that she forced me to face some very painful truths about myself and the past eight years - truths I not only haven’t detailed here but have also been in denial about.  This was what led to her frustration and lashing out the other night, and she stated she wasn’t even drinking at the time.  We did have a nice discussion and decided to keep working on us as we have much to offer each other.  We were at a very good place when we parted ways last night and today has been great. 

I’ll get to the painful truths later but for now suffice it to say that she is my friend first and foremost and I truly believe wants to bring me up rather than tear me down.  She was right about what she said and worded things in a more diplomatic tone yesterday.  She wants the best for me and especially for my kids so for that I’m grateful.  I know she has healing yet to do as well but she did point out all the ways she has been doing better and what she still needs to work on.  Still going to be some rough times ahead but we’ll have several hours alone over the next month to cover any ground we haven’t yet.  Relationships ain’t for sissies!

Peace to you all.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8477.0
« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 07:19:40 PM by Thunder »
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2019, 07:57:05 AM »
My weekend was phenomenal, as have been most weekends since we got back together in November.  I had the extreme pleasure of watching my son perform in an honor band at my alma mater which was like a dream come true for me.  He was one of the few selected out of 40 middle schools and over 500 students whose band directors had recommended them so it was a very huge achievement for him and the fact that he was performing in a place that I will always call home made it that much more special to him.  Unfortunately the gf couldn't attend as she had to work late but I did go there after dropping the kids off at home.  Spent the day Saturday with the kiddos and my future SIL who treated us all to lunch at one of our favorite restaurants before we all attended an arcade convention.  Saturday night was again spent at the gf's where we watched a documentary about a child predator that had both of our blood boiling since we could relate to so many clients who had been through similar situations.  She was in an extremely romantic and loving mood this weekend as I could tell even more of her walls were down, as if we had reached another milestone or passed another test or something.  We also came to an agreement on the painful truths part that she had shared with me and she agreed that she would help me with anything I needed.  More on that later.......
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2019, 08:49:57 AM »
  She’s a very beautiful lady and very humble about the fact.  She could certainly do better than me in the looks department

Had dinner last night along with a very frank and honest discussion.  The title of my thread comes from the fact that she forced me to face some very painful truths about myself and the past eight years - truths I not only haven’t detailed here but have also been in denial about.
So - maybe this has been already said but is she also a therapist?

Personally like I have said in the past, enjoy the ride.
It is not always the destination that matters but the traveling to get to it that matters.

She looks like a very nice lady and the battle of getting along is between the two of you.
It is something that your skills that you use in life as well as the ones you learned here will help
with immensely.

I wish the two of you the best.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 11:00:39 AM »
Thank you very much, OP.  She is a very nice lady and very well-regarded among all of our mutual friends which is why they were very happy to see the two of us together.  She is a social worker now but used to work with me in my clinic, and in fact was in the very same office I'm in now and where we will be having lunch together tomorrow and Friday as she comes to visit our mutual friends tomorrow and will be picking me up for a long road trip to visit one of her foster kids on Friday.

So....about the painful truths.  Last weekend was the first time she had been to my house and the first time any of the girls I had dated had been.  Since she's a social worker, doing home visits and inspections is a big part of her job and I could tell when she first walked in after bringing my daughter home that something was not sitting well with her.  I thought she may have been upset from our small argument in the morning or that something with D18 had frustrated her but when I walked her to the car she alluded to something about the house was very upsetting.  She messaged me the next morning to tell me she was "disappointed" in me and that we would talk later in the week.  She was more distant the next two days and then sent a long text on Tuesday night that bordered on harsh but we didn't get ugly and agreed to meet the following night.  We discussed at length what was bothering her as well as how the problem could be corrected.  I think it was my openness to her concerns and suggestions that helped us to reach a new level in our relationship.

Basically, since XW left almost 8 years ago I've hardly changed anything in the house other than installing the TV and surround system in my bedroom.  We still have the same furniture, the same pictures on the wall and things have gotten dusty and cluttered over the years.  It's not to the level of hoarding but she could tell right away that I had let many things in the house go over the years, partly because at first the stress of working and raising two small children was very high and later because of so many kid commitments along with working so many on-call shifts for the extra money.  She said it looked as if I had left things just the way they were when XW was still living there and as if in some way I had not moved on and had maybe kept the kids from moving on in some way.  I had to take time to digest and think about it but she is correct.  I haven't so much as painted a single wall in over 8 years, and only painted the deck outside along with XW's help.  She pointed out that the kids have had things exactly the same for so long even though their lives have changed drastically since XW left and that they were doing fantastic in school and extracurricular activities so perhaps they had moved on more than I had.  She was very understanding and non-judgmental in her observations, and didn't take offense that I still had pictures of XW in the photo collages hanging in the hallway.  I do need to do a lot of things to remodel and repair things in the home as well as get the garage cleaned out and rid ourselves of the clutter.  She pledged to help me with it and said that the changeover needs to be sweeping as she could sense the negative energy in the house as soon as she walked in.  In some ways it has become exactly what I never wanted it to - a crypt or tomb of the family that was.  She said we will take a weekend to de-clutter and suggested that D18 and S14 be the ones to pick out the new colors for the hallways and living areas and to encourage them to redecorate their rooms as well (which they have since XW left, but with her help).  She's not trying to replace or supplant XW but pointed out that XW had forfeited her right to make decisions about how the house should be and look so the kids and I need to make it ours.  It hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest when she told me all of this, but it did so because I knew deep down she was right.  I was hanging on to the old life in the only way I could subconsciously and the thought of moving on to something new was stressful enough, but now the thought of staying the same is even more stressful.

So that's my painful truth.  Wish me luck and motivation to make the changes in my life that I need to, for our relationship but mostly for the kids and myself.

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2019, 11:07:03 AM »
Good luck with that - but I think it will be a good change and can help the two of you bond.

New scenery will be good!

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2019, 11:23:30 AM »
Hello,

I went through the same process. I took truckloads of stuff to the Goodwill. My new wife and I cleared out all this clutter that held me back. Then as a couple, we selected the colors and painted the interior. We also replace light fixtures and then took out all the old carpet. We put in laminate flooring and new carpet in the bedrooms. Looked awesome.

It was a process of moving forward, as an individual and a couple. I then was able to lease the old home and we worked as a team to buy a new home. Our place.

My advice it to embrace the change and as OP wrote, the work as a couple will build bonds between both of you.

Fist bump,

Ready
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Online Treasur

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2019, 11:58:39 AM »
Idk, Thundarr...not sure you're going to like this or even that it is my place to say anything...but then I guess there is some reason you are still sharing here....

Well, I was expecting something much more scandalous....probably says more about me lol

But something just doesn't feel quite right in this somehow.
"Disappointed" doesn't sound very non-judgmental to me.
It was the first weekend she had been to your family's house....and goes from that to an assertion that you have 'not moved on'...to how she will 'help' you and your kids make a 'sweeping' changeover? To make it 'ours'?

I get what OP and Ready both say about doing that as part of making a new shared living space.
But have you actually invited her to move in?

And tbh, I would humbly suggest that the opinions that matter most and first about YOUR family home are yours followed by your kids. Without her input, what conversations have you had with them about what they like and dislike about how their home is now?

You will do as you see fit of course. But as an outsider, the previous flags about points of conflict, her own issues and her drinking would all make me want to go slow and steady...but I see you talk about 'future SiL' and then she visits your house once, texts you that she is disappointed, gets distant and harsh, then unfolds a psychological critique and a speedy action plan? Idk...something doesn't smell good about this...it really feels like it is about her tbh, and seems pretty disrespectful and manipulative to me.

If nothing else, please ask your kids how they feel and what they want first in a open minded way...it is their home and their safe harbour and all three of you suffered a lot of upheaval and difficult adjustments in the past.

My sincere apologies if I have crossed a line here bc I don't know you at all.
But after hesitating for a while, I just wanted to say that something doesn't smell right to me.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2019, 02:42:18 PM »
T-
In my honest opinion
The last time I checked your profile you noted divorced but standing?
Is it that? Or are you divorced and done?

Again moving on a bit with a few changes is ok.

When the kids are involved  with the changes it may go a bit more smoothly.
They are still young and those photos etc they may find some comfort in?
Maybe they would like them in their rooms?

I'm not sure if she's having a walk in take right over attitude?
Eight years is a really long time to not have changed anything.

These changes need to take place slowly and with everyone on board with it.

Regardless of where this relationship goes you might want to think about making that house more your own.

There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2019, 07:49:18 AM »
Thank you all.  Treasure, I welcome any and all feedback and discount none so please never be afraid to post whatever you feel or see.  We're all fumbling in the dark at times and there have been many occasions where the unbiased observations of others have saved me from making a terrible decision or stepping off a ledge.

Which brings me to the gf.  Since our relationship began as friends who would share the details of our personal lives with each other as well as give each other said unbiased feedback, even 2x4's as they were once referred to on here, it is somewhat natural to us that we continue to do so now.  When we worked together I was seeing multiple people and she went out with a couple and we would share our stories and give each other feedback on whether or not something seemed like a good idea or what might be considered a danger zone.  Since we had shared experiences of being LBSes we naturally bonded and looked out for each other.  It wasn't until recently that I realized she pretty much told me that everyone I went out with did not seem like a good fit because she herself liked me and wanted to pursue a relationship, and the history of our conversations match what she said as she did in fact ask me out in 2017 after she no longer worked here and I pretty much blew her off unknowingly as I honestly thought I didn't have a chance with her.  Strange to think of now.

And as far as the house goes, she never tried to take over things or change who I am but rather told me she thought I was holding the kids back by not letting go myself.  She really does seem to care about them and stressed that I do need to make it "our" home rather than the one XW decorated as her own, which it of course no longer is.  In talking with D18 this morning she not only agreed but said she had felt that way for a while now but didn't bring it up.  She already has designs on how she wants things to look so it seems like I was the one late to the party here.  Working on that....

Waking up this morning I had many triggers from my past MLC experience with XW that may or may not have been caused by the gf getting closer into my life now.  I kept thinking about how just ten short years ago I thought that XW and I would be together forever and since we had already been together for 20 years at the time it only makes sense that I would have thought that way.  I never dreamed that anyone or anything could come between us as I was flooded with so many happy memories, many of which were the small intimate moments like gf and I share now.  Times that no one else but us would understand but that meant so much to both of us.  Now......the realization that as much "in love" as gf and I seem to be at times the knowledge that it could go the exact opposite way and I wouldn't even see it coming is very sobering.  She SHOULD be past the age for MLC but I know that menopause is likely around the corner and no one knows how that might go, and as OP wrote so many times that in itself can be an unwieldy beast to try to tame or even understand.  So much uncertainty and so little reassurances in life.

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Online Treasur

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2019, 07:53:23 AM »
Well, thundarr, if it opened up a useful conversation with your kids and fits their instinct and your own, then no harm done.  :)

And most of us would share your 'how did that happen and how could I possibly avoid it in future' feeling. No idea. I am a million miles away from even being able to imagine loving someone other than my former h in that way....but maybe some other folks here who have moved forward with new relationships can help.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2019, 07:56:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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