Author Topic: My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths  (Read 2369 times)

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My Story Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2019, 09:08:30 AM »
....but maybe some other folks here who have moved forward with new relationships can help.

Was that a hint? Well, as a happily remarried man, I am still in the bliss of the honeymoon period. However, we have been a couple for almost five years and have been working as a team ever since.

I have two fears- her going into MLC or I have my own crisis.

In my own situation, I have reflected and based upon the trend here, I'm  probably a low risk. My parents were not rich, but provided me a sound childhood with no drama. In fact, I have few memories of being a young child other than pleasant memories which studies indicate are a good sign of an overall emotionally healthy childhood.

In her situation: There are a few issues between her and her mother. However, I have yet to meet any female without a few issues between them and their mothers. She never knew her father. She did grow up without a childhood and helped raise her younger siblings. During our time together, while she has been working on me to be more organized and productive, I have worked on her to relax and play-at least a little.

It has been a while since the honeymoon. So I am looking forward to two trips that will be just the two of us in April. We both decided early on in our relationship to go off every few months and have some "us" time away for the home and family just to focus on us.

I have thought about it, but I have decided to let it go. Fear can paralyze us and keep us from being our best.

Quote
Now......the realization that as much "in love" as gf and I seem to be at times the knowledge that it could go the exact opposite way and I wouldn't even see it coming is very sobering.

Unfortunately, with or without MLC, all relationships can turn on a dime. But you are not a player and she doesn't seem like one either. I am a little concerned about the alcohol, because any addictive substance can disrupt all relationship dynamics. But you already know that.

My advice is to create a safe environment where both of you can share your vulnerable sides and grow together as a couple.You may even want to bring up and discuss your MLC fears. Good communication is vital and it brings good information that enlightens. After all information is like oxygen-without it, we start to hallucinate.

Fist bump bro-

((((Ready))))

 
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Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2019, 10:30:04 AM »
Thanks Ready and Treasure.  Communication is key and luckily that's one of our strong suits as we both tend to be brutally honest and don't like holding things in.  Unfortunately, that also means that we tend to butt heads at times but who doesn't?  We have always worked out our problems and come to agreements even if it just to disagree.  We did talk about the alcohol the other night and I brought it up solely as a concern for her health since she has had some concerns lately.  She's actually going to an appointment this afternoon to get her heart checked out and then this evening for her lung checkup. So far everything has been fine so fingers crossed there's nothing to worry about, but when I mentioned that they are probably going to want her to decrease the drinking and stop smoking she acknowledged that she drinks more than she should and that she needs to find healthier way to cope with her work stresses.  She stated today that she's going to stop taking work home to do there and may work a Saturday or two in her office instead so this should help her to not be thinking about work stresses on her free time, which is a problem as she often needs to vent about work when we are together.  I know her job is very stressful and her work ethic of being a completionist in a job that is never done is an ongoing stressor for her.

I also want to mention how I do see things in her actions and behavior that indicate the effects of past traumatic experiences for her. specifically the narcissistic first ex-husband who was so emotionally and physically abusive to her.  The other day she got her hair done at one of the nicer salons in town and I made a conscious point to compliment her on it as soon as I saw her that evening.  Her reaction was to say that I was just relieved that she didn't get it all chopped off or done in a way that I would be embarrassed to be seen with her.  She seemed to be joking but I could tell there was some relief in her voice.  Her first XH told her she looked like a "dyke" when she cut her hair shorter and would tell her she dressed like one when they would go out, but when she went out with friends he would say she looked like a "$l*t."  I have noticed that she is very conservative in her dress and does not flaunt her curves or any other part of her body when we are not spending the whole time out together such as today, and that she does still tend to be overly self-conscious.  I always tell her that I want her to be herself and not to live according to me as I was never that way with XW or anyone I've dated.  I hate that in the back of her mind she thinks I would judge her or think differently of her based on something as small as how she wears her hair but perhaps that is something she will eventually accept once we are together long enough.  You ladies who have been in such relationships are the experts on whether or not this ever goes away or not but I honestly want her to be the ultimate version of her rather than trying to be who she thinks I want her to be.  Any insight into this or how I should go about reassuring her, or even if I should just go along and act the part since that is what she's expecting?
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2019, 06:40:04 PM »
It probably will fade with her with time.

You listen to so many put downs or very seldom received any compliments and you start to believe what they say in an abusive relationship.

I was never told  I was beautiful or amazing or anything positive by the ex or any other man I have been with- until now. My new man said he finds that hard to believe.

It's true.
The most the ex ever said to me is I cleaned up nice. ::)

This new relationship has been an adjustment for me.
Pay her genuine compliments Thundarr. Not just about how she looks . Her strength..just to take a chance on another relationship is huge (after her last one) and takes courage.

Until I believed them myself ( from myself) they were hard to accept from someone else.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2019, 07:21:39 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #13 on: March 08, 2019, 08:06:31 AM »
Thanks Init.  I do see subtle changes in how she responds to things as it seems that we are getting more used to each other.  I also think the fact that we knew each other as friends and co-workers helped her to be more comfortable with me and was probably the determining factor for her to even risk opening her heart again.  One of our mutual friends even said that if things don't work out with us that this may be her last hurrah as she had not gone out with anyone for two years prior to me asking her out.  Her older sister is a "crazy cat lady" who doesn't date and lives alone with several cats and she's mentioned before that she thinks her sister wants her to follow in her footsteps. 
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2019, 08:08:55 AM »
Thanks Init.  I do see subtle changes in how she responds to things as it seems that we are getting more used to each other.  I also think the fact that we knew each other as friends and co-workers helped her to be more comfortable with me and was probably the determining factor for her to even risk opening her heart again.  One of our mutual friends even said that if things don't work out with us that this may be her last hurrah as she had not gone out with anyone for two years prior to me asking her out.  Her older sister is a "crazy cat lady" who doesn't date and lives alone with several cats and she's mentioned before that she thinks her sister wants her to follow in her footsteps.

Relationships are HARD WORK!

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2019, 08:16:30 AM »
Not sure i agree actually.
I think they can have times when they require some hard work from us....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #16 on: March 08, 2019, 09:04:17 AM »
Quote
I think they can have times when they require some hard work from us....

This is a good hijack moment and discussion. What is the right amount of effort needed to sustain a thriving relationship?

I am trying to phrase this because so many of our MLCers complain that we didn't put effort into the relationship like we used to. Is that true, partially true, or just typical MLCer nonsense.

I am contemplating the idea of balanced life with balances in our relationship. I don't believe that you ever truly reach a state of balanced life. Instead you monitor all aspects of your life and focus on the areas that need your attention at that time. For example, my work can explode at times and I have to focus a lot of time and energy to work at the cost of my physical and social health. Just as I get work back under control, I need to put more energy to my relationship. So it is a constant focus on examining all aspects of your life and allocating the appropriate time and energy based upon need.

In my case, I feel that I let things slide with my MLCer prior to bomb drop. I was very focused on work and although I saw warning signs, I didn't give them the same focus as I did work. Had I noticed and focused on us would have I stopped bomb drop or would have I just merely postponed the inevitable?

So my question is, "How much work/effort does a good relationship need?"

Thanks,

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Offline OldPilot

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2019, 09:11:31 AM »
So my question is, "How much work/effort does a good relationship need?"
Nice one - I will stick with what I said that relationships are HARD WORK.

LOVE is a CHOICE.

It is not a feeling, although it is nice when it is.
There are always going to be times that you will be tested in any relationship.
People change and the rates of change in two people in a relationship are not the same.
So you need to be able to do the work to keep a relationship going.

Are there times when it is not hard work. Sure - enjoy those times and save them for when the going gets tough. 

JMHO


Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #18 on: March 11, 2019, 11:01:11 AM »
Thank you everyone for the very though-provoking responses.  I would agree that sometimes relationships are hard work but at other times things just happen naturally and two people grow closer just by spending time together and/ or shared experiences. Sure there are hard times but I think the key to whether a relationship is too much work would be to assess the cost/ benefit ratio - how important is the person to you and how much work or sacrifice is actually involved?  In my case, learning to deal with the effects of her past traumatic experiences has been difficult but also very eye-opening at the same time and what has benefitted me the most has been the ability to honestly say the two words "I understand."  This has helped me to look past her behaviors and some of the things she has said and look instead at why she says and does the things she does and whether or not any of it is really personal, and it has also helped her to open up and share her feelings rather than lashing out as a way to protect her feelings or to create space.

Case in point, this past weekend we attended a rock concert with her favorite band of all time and it was the first time she ever saw them live.  To say it was a bucket list thing and/ or a dream come true for her is an understatement and she had not been to a concert in almost 30 years (other than the small outdoor one we went to last year the day we officially started dating).  We had a little miscommunication about what time I would be picking her up and she thought it was an hour before I actually got there, and when I arrived she was sitting on the couch looking a bit sad and made a statement that I was late.  After we left she opened up a bit and said that she thought I had stood her up.  When I asked why in the world she would ever think that as I've never stood her or anyone else up she told me the story of when it had happened to her.  We had a great conversation after the concert about her insecurities and how she told herself for a long time that I was only with her to make XW jealous.  She said that she's starting to not believe that anymore sees that I really do care for her and that what we have is real.  I shared some of the insecurities I have and have had and she was very receptive to them as well as reassuring me of what and why she loves me.  It felt pretty good to hear her say that she thought I was "too good to be true" for a while.  Such is the life of an LBS, and especially one who has been through even worse in their life.  I can't put my finger on it but something changed with us this weekend and my comfort level is way higher.  Perhaps another wall was dropped, or maybe the fact that she chose to publicly "out" our relationship on Facebook makes me at ease in a way that I didn't know I wasn't. 

Either way, we're in a really good place now and have several things planned for the future.  Saturday will be our first outing together with her youngest grandchildren and Sunday she will be attending my daughter's orchestra concert with me and my 3 kiddos so we are both getting enmeshed in each other's families.  She has a day planned with D18 the weekend after next and we are discussing projects to work on at my house and her apartment.  Tonight I will be attending D18's school concert and likely sitting with XW since she will be bringing S14 from school but gf will not be able to attend.  I'm still a bit nervous about her meeting XW for the first time as it may go okay and........it may not.  XW has shown to be very passive-aggressive and downright rude to other women who have stepped up and helped me out with the kids as she likely feels threatened, and gf will not take any type of dismissive or disrespectful behavior lightly or without calling it out.  Interesting times for sure, but I really am looking forward to the next few months

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #19 on: March 11, 2019, 11:29:22 AM »
Well if your GF can keep her cool your ex will look like the ass.
Sometimes not an easy thing to do, keep your cool, when you have been abused or disrespected.
I didn't really meet my SOs ex .not the first time anyway.I didn't want to or need to. Neither did my SO feel at need for me to meet her.
I was there for a drop off his youngest Daughter.
His ex may not have seen me sitting in the car at first.
But when she did she banged on the roof of the car to get my attention.
I didn't jump, barely flinched..slowly looked up from my phone and over my sunglasses in her direction.

She gave a little smile and waggled her fingers at me through the driver's side window.
I waggled mine at her and went back to looking my phone.
I'm not sure why everyone feels it's necessary that a current GF need to meet an ex.
Maybe you can enlighten me as to what that reason is?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

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