Author Topic: My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths  (Read 2370 times)

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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My Story Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #20 on: March 11, 2019, 03:17:49 PM »
I for one dread the two of them meeting but also hope one day they can co-exist and we can all sit together at kid functions and such.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #21 on: March 11, 2019, 03:29:54 PM »
No no no no!
Please don't tell me you  want to play happy divorced family.
(It will be years and years down the road maybe.)

For now if you like peace and no drama give yourselves the break( if GF agrees) maybe after dating at least a year.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 03:31:07 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #22 on: March 11, 2019, 03:58:19 PM »
One day, lol.  Gf has no desire or intention of meeting her but is prepared for the possible eventuality.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2019, 07:29:59 AM »
Hello,

Listen to the others. My new wife has only met my ex once. It was at my daughter's college graduation December of 2016. My ex came down for the commencement and the party.

Both were cordial to each other and we had one dinner together and the party. At the party, my ex stayed to one group of friends and I and my new wife stayed to the other.

Of course, my kids are older and the focus and the attention was on my older daughter. It was her graduation.

Since then, I have only seen my ex one other time. We  basically vanished from each others' lives. And I like it that way.

You don't have to have the happy divorced family. You can come together if you have to and act like reasonable adults, but you don't have to become BFF's either.

Just my thoughts,

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #24 on: March 18, 2019, 08:32:39 AM »
Had a fantastic weekend as well as the long road trip with the gf almost a week ago.  We've spent a great deal of time together over the past week and I think it has really brought us closer.  The long road trip was very good for us as we both went somewhere we've never been and got to fall back on our friendship in helping each other process through things that are going on in our lives.  We had a blast even though there were times we were both dealing with a great deal of frustration (we got lost thank to the unreliable GPS on my phone, lol) but all in all it was a great experience for us and was everything I hoped it would be.  Having her join my co-workers and I for lunch so that she could catch up with them was a boost too as she spoke very highly of me to them and talked about things we had done and plans we have for the near future.  I have to admit it felt good.

Friday night we hung out with her grandkids and got to have a very deep heart-to-heart talk about some of our concerns and how much our relationship has evolved over the past eight months.  We really have come a long way and to hear how she used to see things compared to how she does now was very reassuring for me.  Communication has and will probably always be a struggle for us as she very much speaks on the emotional side and I speak from a logical standpoint, but she accepts that it might take me a bit to truly get what she's trying to say at times and I understand not to take any initial reactions of hers personally.  Any disagreement we have is much more a ripple than a wave now as we both know how to manage each other's temperament without adding fuel to the fire.  I still struggle with adjusting to how much she is unlike XW as she doesn't try to push buttons and instead speaks from her heart as opposed to how XW would keep things to herself and lash out with passive aggression or try to instigate me when she knew I was in a bad mood or not feeling well.  The relationship I have with gf is very unlike the one XW and I had, and for that I'm thankful.  I'm still not at a point to where I feel comfortable being open about all of my insecurities both with myself and in our relationship, but she also doesn't push and told me we could discuss them when I'm ready just as she has some things with her past that she's not ready to share as of yet.

We spent Saturday with two of her grandkids and had a wonderful time.  I got to meet a couple of her co-workers but didn't find them to be very talkative.  She did mention Friday night that she regretted bashing me to her co-workers when we "broke up" in November and that some have questioned why we got back together if I was as "bad" as what she made me out to be then, but said the two that were there weren't the ones who did.  Either way, I really don't care what anyone thinks of me and know that both men and women tend to vilify their exes so I wasn't surprised that she did.  Still makes me wonder what she told them....

Sunday she went with me and all three of my kiddos to D18's concert and eating out.  Things were a bit stressful at first as D18 was in one of her moods, but things quickly changed after the dress rehearsal an everyone was in a great mood.  Gf is very respectful to my kids and advocates for children in her profession so I'm very happy that they seem to be clicking with her.  She was very careful to "stay in her lane" and acted as more a guest than someone who was trying to replace their mom, which was something D26 said they feared.  She handled her role marvelously and interacted pleasantly with them while never pushing them to talk to her or redirecting them in any way.  All things considered, things went about as well as I could have hoped for given it was the first time for all of us to be together.  She also scored brownie points with the kids by being completely selfless and going to D26's with us to drop D26 off and spent time with my grandson who she had been wanting to see anyway, then insisting that I stop for dog food on the way home after the kids mentioned we were out.  She certainly didn't give them any reason to complain about her so we are inching every closer to being a family unit.  She did make it clear this weekend that her long-term goal was for us to be married someday but acknowledged that we both have a long way to go before we're ready for that.  Funny thing is that I noticed that she changed the wallpaper on her phone to a picture of us together and when her granddaughter saw it she asked her if we were going to get married, to which she told her to ask me.  I just said that was cute.  :)

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #25 on: March 18, 2019, 06:23:03 PM »
Hello,

Thundarr and his lady are kissing in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love, then comes marriage
then comes baby in a baby carriage.

Just kidding. I am so glad that you had a great weekend. I am really enjoying my life as well. In my situation, I don't see myself as a replacement father to her kids and she doesn't see herself as the mother to my children.

Of course, they are adults now. I just give advice and listen. Mother is the parent. She does the same for me. They are extremely appreciative of what I do and very respectful.

Everyone chipped in and helped with the wedding. I appreciated all my kids helping and being a part of my wedding. It made it really special and I am so happy how everything is turning out.

The most important thing I want for you my friend is to find a source of joy that makes each day feel special.

I have posted on my thread. My wife brings so much to me. I come home happy and looking forward to seeing her. I like seeing her come through the door and I smile the second our eyes lock.

We talk about everything and we have our moments. But at night, just to hold her and have her near just brings a special peace to my heart.

I want you to feel the same,

(((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #26 on: March 28, 2019, 11:02:15 AM »
Thanks Ready.

Ah, relationship drama.  How it rears its ugly head when least expected.  This week has been a rough one for us as we had planned to see a movie together Tuesday night, but due to XW not picking S14 up and then having her boyfriend at her apartment when I took him to drop him off which precipitated him crying and deciding he didn't want to be there when the boyfriend was, I ended up taking him to the movie with me and getting there right on time.  Gf was angry about waiting so long for me to get there as well as the fact that XW screwed S14 over so she insisted I see the movie with him and she went on home.  She told me last night about how horrible her day had been Tuesday and apologized for being short with me even though it was mutual and we kissed and made up before she left.

Last night we decided to try again and this time went out to eat and had a great time.  We talked about the previous night and the stresses in our weeks as well as our future plans for the next month.  She informed me that she has decided to extricate her FOO out of her life as much as possible as she now sees them as toxic to her and her kids, and from what she's told me about them I would agree.  We talked about having family get-togethers with just our kids and grands and she said she wants holidays to just be with us as far as her family is concerned, but of course with my  mom and family just as always. She informed me that her ex-boyfriend (the one she said she would "love forever as a friend") had contacted her and sent her a FB friend request and told her that he was now divorced again.  She said she had decided that it would not be appropriate to be friends with him and that she loved me and my kids and didn't want anyone or anything coming between us.  I thanked her for being open and honest with me and she later sent a text stating that she meant everything she said and that she was looking forward to our vacation over her birthday weekend as well as everything that's ahead for us.  She closed by saying she was glad she took the chance on us as she had been resolved to spend the rest of her life alone at one point and I responded that I was glad we took the chance too.  That was at 9 pm.

I went home and went to bed and was awakened by a series of texts at midnight from her where she was expressing anger that I had "liked" a couples posts on FB of a woman whom I had known for 35+ years and who she had had a conflict with almost 10 years ago.  This woman was never more than an acquaintance, and honestly for most of the time I've known her I didn't even like her, but she told me she saw this as a betrayal and that she felt I had stabbed her in the back.  She then texted that she might accept her ex's friend request after all because "at least he was  honest."  I wasn't going to respond at first because I knew she was very tired and cranky as well as being in her period but when she sent that I lashed out and things went south from there.  She eventually said she would go on the vacation alone and that I "wasn't worthy of her love" and that "(XW) and I deserve each other."  I sent the last text pretty  much wishing her an early happy birthday and telling her to have a nice life and safe trip.  High school crap on both our parts, I know.

So now my question is this:  Neither of us has texted the other today and I know that she's probably feeling really dumb for making such a big deal out of something so trivial especially given how it escalated, but also realize she may be seething and really may see this as a betrayal since I knew how the woman had done her wrong and that me liking her post may have triggered a memory of how the woman tired to screw up her previous marriage.  It was definitely a trigger now that I think about it and on the same night when she made herself vulnerable by telling me something I would never have known about otherwise.  Giving the knowledge that perception is reality I'll send the olive branch to let her know I care about her feelings and reassure her that this woman will not do the same thing to us that she did to her previous marriage (she wasn't an OW but rather just a drama starter).  This relationship stuff is all so new to me and makes me wonder if my marriage was so dysfunctional because we didn't have these problems.  *Sight*

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #27 on: March 28, 2019, 11:20:39 AM »
You seem to spend quite a lot of time speculating or deciding what this person feels or why she acts this way (which I appreciate may be an occupational hazard lol)...and then deciding how to act to clarify or reassure her.

What do YOU feel about this stuff? How do YOU feel when it is happening?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2019, 11:51:47 AM »
Treasure, at first I was a bit surprised but laughed it off as I knew she was overreacting and would look back and see this for herself but became a bit angry when I felt she was comparing me unfavorably to her ex.  I have recently come to accept that I have a great deal of fears that I was in denial of that I need to work through for our relationship to work and confided some of those to her last night.  Of course I have the fear of abandonment from the whole MLC situation but also some childhood abandonment and feelings of not being enough to work through as well. 

Incidentally, we've been texting since my last post and she explained her perception as well as admitting that she knows I don't like the woman and meant nothing by liking her post.  She also pointed out that she had said in one of her texts that she was not wanting to break up but was expressing how she felt hurt by that, which now makes me feel like an idiot in some ways as she is correct.  I think I read what I expected to read rather than what was actually written, but she also asked if something was going on with me as she has senses my being quick-tempered lately and has been worried that I might be looking for a way out.  She's right on that as well as this week has been very hard on me due to it being my late brother's birthday week and working on-call so much that I have little to no time for myself and have been letting negative thoughts and doubts cloud my mind when I know they're unrealistic.  Relationships are hard work!
One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #29 on: March 28, 2019, 12:00:31 PM »
I went home and went to bed and was awakened by a series of texts at midnight from her where she was expressing anger that I had "liked" a couples posts on FB of a woman whom I had known for 35+ years and who she had had a conflict with almost 10 years ago. 
This woman was never more than an acquaintance, and honestly for most of the time I've known her I didn't even like her, but she told me she saw this as a betrayal and that she felt I had stabbed her in the back.
Really?

So she is blowing up your relationship over a FB post?

IDK sounds a little over the top to me.

 

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