Author Topic: My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths  (Read 2368 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #80 on: April 15, 2019, 12:32:20 PM »
I wonder if learning to trust ourselves again is really the heart of it.
To trust our judgment, to trust our ability to hold good boundaries, to trust that we will walk away if we must even if it is hard and to trust that we will be ok even if other bad things happen in our lives.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #81 on: April 15, 2019, 12:40:02 PM »
IDK. I'm not sure how learning to trust ourselves helps when we're dealing with so  many other people who can't be trusted.

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #82 on: April 15, 2019, 01:24:11 PM »
Quote
The problem is that sometimes the fear is justified. How do you deal with that? Sometimes an orange really is an orange and sometimes a lack of trust is caused by a lack of trustworthiness.

I totally get that. So do you commit to a relationship with a person you don't trust? Especially if they lack trustworthiness?

I understand MLC and the bomb drop. That is the devastation of trust in what were harmonious marriages. Reconciliation only occurs when the couple decide to re-establish trust. And that takes a lot of work and driving the fear out.

Whether its reconciliation or a new relationship- without trust, what do you have?

Fist bump,

Ready

PS- Great discussion. Great observation.
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #83 on: April 15, 2019, 02:51:50 PM »
Maybe I have trust issues. How do you get past being hit by a bus? When you're abandoned by your mother, then the person you were with for 36 years and trusted completely betrays and abandons you, how do you ever trust again?

Sorry Thundarr. I hope this isn't too far off your topic.

Online in it

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #84 on: April 15, 2019, 03:00:37 PM »
Trust is everything. I think most of us do have trust issues Hawkeye.

And it took a long time for me trust myself again, much less someone else.
Without trust in a relationship you have nothing.

That's why for me trying to patch up that old relationship would be impossible now due to the ex's abuse..I have no trust and that's been wrecked for the rest of my life.

Although a new relationship is pretty damn scary, it comes with it's own challenges and in time trust is built.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #85 on: April 15, 2019, 03:06:05 PM »
I guess that's how it works, isn't it? Trust has to be earned.

Why didn't I learn this stuff when I was a kid?

Online in it

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #86 on: April 15, 2019, 03:22:02 PM »
I don't know I didn't really learn it as a child either. Children are naturally trusting and niave.

I still have a tendency to trust first, until someone proves themselves untrustworthy.
 I also tend to invest in people who were not worth my trust.
Giving them benefits of the doubts..make excuses for them.

Means I get hurt a whole lot.
Right after this last BD I hated , I mean hated men.I'd look at a guy and think "What kind of A$$hole are you?"

I try not to do that so much anymore. Invest myself in someone who isn't worthy of trust. At any level, friend or a family member.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 03:42:21 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #87 on: April 15, 2019, 04:51:27 PM »
IDK. I'm not sure how learning to trust ourselves helps when we're dealing with so  many other people who can't be trusted.

Honestly this resonates so much with me. I trust myself implicitly....but Beast was the first person I truly trusted and well... :-[


So do you commit to a relationship with a person you don't trust? Especially if they lack trustworthiness?
Reconciliation only occurs when the couple decide to re-establish trust. And that takes a lot of work and driving the fear out.

Whether its reconciliation or a new relationship- without trust, what do you have?

Well I am probably totally firetrucked on both fronts!  :o I really am not sure how the trust will be rebuilt with MLCer or a new person. I think each will be equally hard tbh.


I still have a tendency to trust first, until someone proves themselves untrustworthy.
 I also tend to invest in people who were not worth my trust.
Giving them benefits of the doubts..make excuses for them.

I think I am actually of the camp...I do not trust anyone, but I will give them a chance or the benefit of the doubt. I watch them carefully to decide if they are worth more trust...and give accordingly. The problem is once I start investing that trust in someone, I can get a little blinded by love and then...I get really hurt if they break it. Really hurt. Most times to the point of cutting ties and walking away. My MLCer is the first person I have interacted with after huge betrayal (besides my mom I suppose). It is an exercise in growing up for sure. But trust?

I don't see myself really truly trusting anyone again.

I sure hope I am wrong.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #88 on: April 15, 2019, 09:03:24 PM »
Great discussion, guys!

In my case gf hasn’t given me a reason NOT to trust her as she has never lied to me to my knowledge and was forthcoming about having cheated in her first marriage as well as one relationship after, but both were in her 20’s and before she “grew up” by her own admission.  She maintains being completely faithful in her 2nd marriage despite being an LBS and knowing her H was having an affair.  She has been transparent about everything as she said she didn’t want anything to come out later that might cause a problem between us or a question of why I wasn’t told.  I’ve done the same and it seems her trust issues have improved.

She also keeps her phones in another room when we’re sleeping and keeps them unlocked or has given me the password.  I’ve been tempted to check her phone several times when I get up in the night but choose not to because I’d feel crappy and would probably torment myself by looking through old pictures or texts from before we met and definitely don’t need THAT crap to make me more insecure.  She has my password too but usually needs me to remind her when she uses my phone to take pics.

« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 09:07:10 PM by Thundarr »
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #89 on: April 15, 2019, 09:14:12 PM »
Well I am probably totally firetrucked on both fronts!  :o I really am not sure how the trust will be rebuilt with MLCer or a new person. I think each will be equally hard tbh.

Amen!

God bless you Thundarr. You're a stronger and braver man than I am.

 

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