Author Topic: My Story My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths  (Read 2375 times)

Online in it

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My Story Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #90 on: April 16, 2019, 03:01:51 AM »
Well I'm pretty sure I wouldn't reinvest in that old relationship.
And I'm in a new one too.
And after what I went through.. I think pretty much  anyone could find it within themselves to love and be loved again too.
In time.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #91 on: April 17, 2019, 07:06:34 AM »
Really being reminded of what I liked about  not being in a relationship over the past few years today.  Our usual weekend routine is that we hang out at her place on Friday and Saturday night and I spend the night after watching movies and such.  This weekend I was on-call and she had her grand-kids Saturday while also deep-cleaning her apartment and I know she was tired afterward and that they were going to spend the night.  She asked me if I wanted to come over Saturday night or Sunday night, or both, and I chose Sunday as I was spending time with my kids and had several things to take care of, plus I know she needed her rest.  She said that was fine and was looking forward to seeing me Sunday.

When Sunday came we texted back and forth during the day and I took care of some work and home responsibilities.  When I texted her around 7 to see if she was home yet she just said yes and that she was going to bed early and wished me a good night, followed by an ILY.  I replied back that I thought we were hanging out and didn't know if she wanted to me come over and still spend the night or what.  After a couple hours not hearing back I texted that she had blown me off and ended with a WTF.  The next morning she texted and apologized, saying she had been sick most of the day and was not going to work that day (Monday).  She said she didn't mean to blow me off and that she had forgot all about it when sick.  I told her I understood and thought that might be the case and that I hoped she got feeling better soon.  She later replied that my text Sunday night didn't indicate that I understood and that what I said was "mean."  I apologized for hurting her feeling if I did and said it was a natural reaction to having plans cancelled last minute for no apparent reason.  She said I didn't have to "lash out at her" and that I'm always "jumping to conclusions that she's blowing me off" when she was legit sick that night.  I apologized again and said I would have appreciated it if she had told me that she was sick Sunday night but she never answered back and that was at 4 pm yesterday.  I wished her good night and asked her if she needed anything as well as a good morning text as we always take turns with those and another wish for good health but heard nothing back.  Finally sent a text about how I didn't like the silent treatment and how it was hurtful, but did not accuse her of trying to hurt intentionally.  Not going to mind-read.

Addendum:  Heard back from her as I was typing this out but choose to leave it for reference sake.  It looks like yet another case of us both being triggered by past experiences as she reacted to my getting upset and blew it out of proportion, which is a constant struggle for her due to her being a naturally sensitive person, and she perceived my text as lashing out or an attack.  She is right that I shouldn't have included the line about blowing me off as part of trusting each other is giving the benefit of the doubt when all the facts are not known.  We're both in the wrong here.

On top of that, AnneJ once pointed out that it seems that gf and I are in a pattern of her doing something that upsets me and then turning it around to where I have to extend the olive branch or apologize.  In examining that pattern and discussing it with her I can see now that pattern is a result of my failing to hear what she is saying many times.  Case in point - yesterday she stated that she felt it was "mean" when she felt I lashed out at her and that she feels taken for granted sometimes.  My response was that I didn't feel I lashed out, that it wasn't meant to be "mean" and that I never take her for granted.  Basically I completely failed to VALIDATE what she was saying and essentially told her she was wrong.  She wasn't looking to be right or even for an apology, just opening up and expressing how she felt.  Looking back, she told me early on that she doesn't have to be right but just not to be told that she's wrong in how she feels about something and it never really sunk in until now.  So while I sometimes go out of my way to prove something to her or to make amends for it I'm doing things from my perspective of what she needs and/ or wants and not really giving her what she's needing or even asking for.  There's no need to apologize or prove myself, just VALIDATE how she feels and let her know it's okay to feel however she does.  Hopefully this isn't a lesson I've learned too late as things are still very tense between us and I have yet to hear from her today.

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline Treasur

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #92 on: April 17, 2019, 07:29:38 AM »
Idk, Thundarr....I see you both reacting sure, but I see you being very quick to apologise and to mind read and excuse her behaviour bc she is 'sensitive'.

You are both grown ups. You had an arrangement. She was ill and forgot. She could have texted you before to cancel. By not doing so, she did inconvenience you and did seem like you weren't important enough to remember. Let's assume she didn't have her phone on so didn't get your checking text or your follow on until the next morning. Surely the olive branch should have been hers bc she DID blow you off and didn't tell you in advance? And she apologised, you said ok and then she went straight for you being 'mean'. So essentially it's ok for her to forget and not cancel and not ok for you to be annoyed or hurt by that? A bit 'not what I did but your reaction to what I did' as the problem surely? Idk...seems a bit of a pattern from what you post...perhaps you should go a bit slower and validate less when she is in the wrong?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #93 on: April 17, 2019, 08:38:15 AM »
Thanks, Treasure.  She did apologize and validate my feelings and concerns the next morning along with explaining what was going on and didn't make excuses from what I could see.  What I was trying to say in my post was that the apologies and olive branches that I've been giving would be unnecessary as long as I validate what she's feeling and saying.  Validating does NOT mean that I agree with her or that I think she's right or wrong, just that I acknowledge her and what she's saying.  I'm going to really work on not doing on the defensive or taking things personally as she states she doesn't mean it as a criticism or attack on me, and that she's neither looking for an explanation or an apology but just letting me know.  Her history of not being validated by her family or the military when she was in the abusive first marriage has created a need for her and she has made me aware of that from our early days.  In It can probably shed even more perspective on it from what she's told me.   The funny irony is that I teach validation, self-validation and invalidation as part of my DBT groups but can look back on our past communications and see where I dropped the ball. In fact, our first three "break-ups" were likely not intended as that at all as she was expressing her concerns about us as a couple and NEVER used the term break up or "it's over" except for the one in November where we did break up for a month.  She never name-calls or says anything that I would consider abusive even though I think my subconscious is expecting it and even twisting what I'm perceiving due to the emotional abuse and neglect that XW perpetrated on me.  Baggage to work through.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline Treasur

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #94 on: April 17, 2019, 09:02:28 AM »
Well I guess you have the skills lol...and I hope that as things move forward that validation is reciprocal bc imho reciprocity is about respect and respect is so important for those of us with some old scars isn't it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #95 on: April 17, 2019, 09:19:19 AM »
DBT is all about emotional regulation, yes?
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Hawkeye

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #96 on: April 17, 2019, 09:24:22 AM »
It sounds to me like both of you need to learn how to count to 10, or maybe 100, before responding. And I don't think it would hurt either of you to start identifying your parts that have been hurt in the past, getting to know them, and helping them to learn how to relax.

Offline sada

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #97 on: April 17, 2019, 09:28:32 AM »
Quote
Case in point - yesterday she stated that she felt it was "mean" when she felt I lashed out at her and that she feels taken for granted sometimes.  My response was that I didn't feel I lashed out, that it wasn't meant to be "mean" and that I never take her for granted.  Basically I completely failed to VALIDATE what she was saying and essentially told her she was wrong.  She wasn't looking to be right or even for an apology, just opening up and expressing how she felt.  Looking back, she told me early on that she doesn't have to be right but just not to be told that she's wrong in how she feels about something and it never really sunk in until now.  So while I sometimes go out of my way to prove something to her or to make amends for it I'm doing things from my perspective of what she needs and/ or wants and not really giving her what she's needing or even asking for.  There's no need to apologize or prove myself, just VALIDATE how she feels and let her know it's okay to feel however she does. 

Thank you for sharing this. Your conversation sounds verbatim to many I've had with my h in the past.

I'm gonna print it out & show it to him.  Your hi-lighted sentence is key. I understand her reaction 100% as I too have a history of not being validated by my family, especially my mother.

Communication is so important. I think you've got it.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 09:29:54 AM by sada »
Sada
Me - 55
H - 54
Married 11 years, together 21
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Not cooked but has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements less frequent
Enjoying our time together

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #98 on: April 17, 2019, 10:28:19 AM »
I am in the she did blow you off brigade.

She talked about how she was looking forward to seeing you Sunday night...then when you text her she is going to bed early.  :o

That is some passive aggressive ''I am mad at you'' type behaviour. If it was just because she was sick she would have text ''Hey I am not feeling well today, maybe you should come round X''.

I dunno..I am glad you worked it out but... ???
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Story pt 2 - Painful Truths
« Reply #99 on: April 17, 2019, 10:30:07 AM »
FTT,  Emotion Regulation is one of the 5 key component modules of DBT along with Mindfulness, Walking the Middle Path, Distress Tolerance and Interpersonal Effectiveness.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

 

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