Author Topic: My Story Thank you, next?  (Read 4555 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Thank you, next?
« on: February 28, 2019, 04:29:02 PM »
The great UM has spoken. It's new thread time.

Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10492.0;all
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 02:01:42 AM »
Tagging Along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 03:52:11 AM »
Wheeeeeeeee!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 02:58:36 PM »
When I left off in my last thread, I got roped into another fruitless convo with H. This weekend I asked H to give me space and he obliged. I gave H a quick reality check and said this weekend is about S17, please remember that. S17 is not S18. I admit I did cry :'( He's a man now. (still my baby though).

It turned out to be a nice weekend. S18 had baseball on Saturday and D11 had soccer at the same time. H and I split duties, him at one field and I at another. We didn't have much interaction during the day. H was very engaging when he got home and wouldn't stop talking my ear off about random little things.

H made an off comment like he doesn't care what is going on in other people's lives. He doesn't follow anyone on FB (meaning on his news feed), but he said 'I look at your page all the time Island. Doesn't that say something?' I told H, that I appreciate what he was saying, but that him stalking my FB is not communicating he cares to me. H said, 'He can't care about anyone except the kids now.' I told him its ok, if that is all he can focus on. H still remained friendly and talkative the rest of the day.

I spend Saturday watching Netflix and spooning with D4. Its all a little blurry, but later that night H was being playful and somehow we became intimate. H asked 'when was the last time we kissed Island?' I told him forever ago, but it was his choice. I won't kiss someone who doesn't want me to. H asked me if it was ok to kiss me and I think that's where it happened. Unlike last time, H was present while it was happening and I didn't feel like I was with some empty vessel or some pod person.

Sunday we took S18 to a local hibachi restaurant. The kids were being kids (specifically D8 & D11)...moody, wanting to go home and play games, there's nothing we eat here....blah blah blah. Only D4 was excited, she loves eating out and is always with me so she was the most behaved. Their mood quickly changed when the chef came out and began cooking in front of them. After that was laughs and 'oh everything is so delicious.' ::)

We all ate way too much and took home a lot of left overs. I felt like you had to roll me into the car, full. I decided to walk it off when we got home and H went on his own walk. After an hour by myself, I instantly felt better. H came home before me and gave me a little attitude, like 'what took you so long?' But I ignored him and took a shower. I spent the rest of the night relaxing with D4.

Turns out H wasn't feeling good and is sick, but instead of saying so, I'm supposed to just know. This morning H still met me at the auto mechanics to get my tires changed. He has been calling and texting me throughout the morning. I joked that he was checking in and H said 'yes I am.'

Trying to keep the calm energy going. Wish me luck.  8) 
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2019, 06:33:49 PM »
Today I did something for me. I chopped my mid-back length hair into a gorgeous lob (long bob). I was so afraid, but the hair stylist was so reassuring.
It was long overdue. H was sick and stayed home. D4 was also sick and I stayed home with her. I took the opportunity to finally cut my hair. I didn't ask H. I just told him to keep an eye on D4. H didn't grumble and also offered to wash the car at the wash. H also offered to eat lunch later.
I love my hair. At first H made a comment like 'oh, you cut it all off.' I almost said 'you don't like it?' But D4 beat me by saying 'You're hair is beautiful mommy.' H 'preferred' my hair long, but I don't  care either way and felt like a change. H quickly said it was nice. It looks like this, sorry for the large picture but im on my phone and can't figure out how to adjust it.



At lunch H complained that D4 kept asking for me and 'she doesn't care about me anymore, she just wants mommy.' I told H 'maybe if you spend time with her and did things she liked.' H just kept being an eeyore so I told him 'it's up to you to develop the relationship you want with her.'

H quickly shut up after that. I was more chatty then usual with H , but more so because I really felt so good after my haircut. It's amazing how an hour to myself helped me recharge and feel so light. I plan on going back to color my hair. Maybe go lighter. We'll see  8)
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 12:38:25 AM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 12:58:53 AM »
Can't see the picture but it sounds lovely. Funnily enough, I did much the same last year. Shortest my hair had ever been in 30 years and it took me a few weeks to get used to it when I looked in the mirror lol.

But yes. Island, sometimes those small acts of 'this is I want to be now' have a lot of oomph to them. For most of us, we do get to a point after accepting the limits of our control over stuff when we start hunting for things that make us feel stronger and more like ourselves. Usually while the MLCer runs around in circles throwing hand grenades lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2019, 02:55:00 AM »
Sounds like a plan, IG.

Ironically, I had an opposite experience this weekend. D8 has been glued to STBX like nobodies business for ages (mostly due to manipulation from STBX). She and S11 had Monday and Tuesday off from school and STBX couldn't take the days off so I did. D8 then decided that, instead of staying with me "just" Sunday and Monday nights (so she wouldn't have to get up early) , she was going to stay Saturday through Tuesday (Yesterday was the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper so we did that) ..... OK, they were with mom for a few hours on Suday while I was in church but other than that, they were with me.

S11 does that every 2nd week (4 nights) buut I haven't had D8 with me that long since we were skiing in January. STBXW was shocked when D said that she was "going to stay with Daddy Saturday, Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday"  STBX said "But that is FOUR days!" D8 looked her dead int he eye and just said "I know."

So, where your Mr. Sadz is complaining that D4 is always wanting Mommy because he doesn't DO anything with her, my D8 is finally untying herself from STBXW's apron strings... and she had a good time!

It really IS up to the Mid-Lifer and the kids to establish their own R... And the fact he clammed up when you told him that he had to develop the R with her says that the truth dart (even unintended) hit the mark.... HE has to work on developing the R with anyone....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2019, 10:43:38 AM »
Shucks, I was updating from my phone and it showed the picture when I was previewing it. Let me try again. It looks like this, but I don't have the highlights yet.  :)



I still have it a little light on the ends from when I first colored my hair so adding highlights or something will be really cute. I normally would feel guilty about doing something for myself. I don't' think H intentionally did or said things to make me feel that way. I think I always put him first. So yeah, it feels good to think about me first. My kids will always come before me, but I was running a little on empty and if I can't recharge one way or another I have nothing to give them.

H's complaints about the kids not 'caring' about him is all self inflicted. They love him, but in the past two years its kind of like H expects them to put in the work. H complained that they don't talk to him or ignore him at home. I told him 'Well, do you ask about their day?' H's excuse is that they always say the same thing 'OK.' I told H that they will always just say 'OK' you still ask to show that you care.

I shouldn't have to explain to H how to be a parent, but I don't think H's parent's had that kind or relationship with him. All they focused on was sports. My mom was the same way with me, always too busy to be involved in my life. My dad is who I am closest with so I still have a very open relationship with him. I always felt that I never wanted my kids to feel unable to talk to me or feel that I was not listening. I guess that's why I make an extra effort to show them I'm interested in their life.

I don't know its like H forgot that our kids are growing up and part of that is being a teen. S18 is a typical teen, but pretty open to me and for certain things (i.e. girls) H. D11 drives me nuts with the attitude. We butt heads constantly. D8 is still my buddy and the best way to explain her is like a cuddly bear. D4 of course I am closest too, but that is due to her age and the fact that she always wants to be around me. They all are at different stages, but H expects them to remain how they were when they were younger and maintain the same interaction they did. But they are changing and growing. They need different things from us as parents.

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 10:44:47 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2019, 10:47:10 AM »
Hmmm - I saw this photo earlier but now its not there,  strange

 

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