Author Topic: My Story Thank you, next?  (Read 749 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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My Story Thank you, next?
« on: February 28, 2019, 04:29:02 PM »
The great UM has spoken. It's new thread time.

Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10492.0;all
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 02:01:42 AM »
Tagging Along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 03:52:11 AM »
Wheeeeeeeee!

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 02:58:36 PM »
When I left off in my last thread, I got roped into another fruitless convo with H. This weekend I asked H to give me space and he obliged. I gave H a quick reality check and said this weekend is about S17, please remember that. S17 is not S18. I admit I did cry :'( He's a man now. (still my baby though).

It turned out to be a nice weekend. S18 had baseball on Saturday and D11 had soccer at the same time. H and I split duties, him at one field and I at another. We didn't have much interaction during the day. H was very engaging when he got home and wouldn't stop talking my ear off about random little things.

H made an off comment like he doesn't care what is going on in other people's lives. He doesn't follow anyone on FB (meaning on his news feed), but he said 'I look at your page all the time Island. Doesn't that say something?' I told H, that I appreciate what he was saying, but that him stalking my FB is not communicating he cares to me. H said, 'He can't care about anyone except the kids now.' I told him its ok, if that is all he can focus on. H still remained friendly and talkative the rest of the day.

I spend Saturday watching Netflix and spooning with D4. Its all a little blurry, but later that night H was being playful and somehow we became intimate. H asked 'when was the last time we kissed Island?' I told him forever ago, but it was his choice. I won't kiss someone who doesn't want me to. H asked me if it was ok to kiss me and I think that's where it happened. Unlike last time, H was present while it was happening and I didn't feel like I was with some empty vessel or some pod person.

Sunday we took S18 to a local hibachi restaurant. The kids were being kids (specifically D8 & D11)...moody, wanting to go home and play games, there's nothing we eat here....blah blah blah. Only D4 was excited, she loves eating out and is always with me so she was the most behaved. Their mood quickly changed when the chef came out and began cooking in front of them. After that was laughs and 'oh everything is so delicious.' ::)

We all ate way too much and took home a lot of left overs. I felt like you had to roll me into the car, full. I decided to walk it off when we got home and H went on his own walk. After an hour by myself, I instantly felt better. H came home before me and gave me a little attitude, like 'what took you so long?' But I ignored him and took a shower. I spent the rest of the night relaxing with D4.

Turns out H wasn't feeling good and is sick, but instead of saying so, I'm supposed to just know. This morning H still met me at the auto mechanics to get my tires changed. He has been calling and texting me throughout the morning. I joked that he was checking in and H said 'yes I am.'

Trying to keep the calm energy going. Wish me luck.  8) 
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2019, 06:33:49 PM »
Today I did something for me. I chopped my mid-back length hair into a gorgeous lob (long bob). I was so afraid, but the hair stylist was so reassuring.
It was long overdue. H was sick and stayed home. D4 was also sick and I stayed home with her. I took the opportunity to finally cut my hair. I didn't ask H. I just told him to keep an eye on D4. H didn't grumble and also offered to wash the car at the wash. H also offered to eat lunch later.
I love my hair. At first H made a comment like 'oh, you cut it all off.' I almost said 'you don't like it?' But D4 beat me by saying 'You're hair is beautiful mommy.' H 'preferred' my hair long, but I don't  care either way and felt like a change. H quickly said it was nice. It looks like this, sorry for the large picture but im on my phone and can't figure out how to adjust it.



At lunch H complained that D4 kept asking for me and 'she doesn't care about me anymore, she just wants mommy.' I told H 'maybe if you spend time with her and did things she liked.' H just kept being an eeyore so I told him 'it's up to you to develop the relationship you want with her.'

H quickly shut up after that. I was more chatty then usual with H , but more so because I really felt so good after my haircut. It's amazing how an hour to myself helped me recharge and feel so light. I plan on going back to color my hair. Maybe go lighter. We'll see  8)
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 12:38:25 AM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 12:58:53 AM »
Can't see the picture but it sounds lovely. Funnily enough, I did much the same last year. Shortest my hair had ever been in 30 years and it took me a few weeks to get used to it when I looked in the mirror lol.

But yes. Island, sometimes those small acts of 'this is I want to be now' have a lot of oomph to them. For most of us, we do get to a point after accepting the limits of our control over stuff when we start hunting for things that make us feel stronger and more like ourselves. Usually while the MLCer runs around in circles throwing hand grenades lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2019, 02:55:00 AM »
Sounds like a plan, IG.

Ironically, I had an opposite experience this weekend. D8 has been glued to STBX like nobodies business for ages (mostly due to manipulation from STBX). She and S11 had Monday and Tuesday off from school and STBX couldn't take the days off so I did. D8 then decided that, instead of staying with me "just" Sunday and Monday nights (so she wouldn't have to get up early) , she was going to stay Saturday through Tuesday (Yesterday was the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper so we did that) ..... OK, they were with mom for a few hours on Suday while I was in church but other than that, they were with me.

S11 does that every 2nd week (4 nights) buut I haven't had D8 with me that long since we were skiing in January. STBXW was shocked when D said that she was "going to stay with Daddy Saturday, Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday"  STBX said "But that is FOUR days!" D8 looked her dead int he eye and just said "I know."

So, where your Mr. Sadz is complaining that D4 is always wanting Mommy because he doesn't DO anything with her, my D8 is finally untying herself from STBXW's apron strings... and she had a good time!

It really IS up to the Mid-Lifer and the kids to establish their own R... And the fact he clammed up when you told him that he had to develop the R with her says that the truth dart (even unintended) hit the mark.... HE has to work on developing the R with anyone....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2019, 10:43:38 AM »
Shucks, I was updating from my phone and it showed the picture when I was previewing it. Let me try again. It looks like this, but I don't have the highlights yet.  :)



I still have it a little light on the ends from when I first colored my hair so adding highlights or something will be really cute. I normally would feel guilty about doing something for myself. I don't' think H intentionally did or said things to make me feel that way. I think I always put him first. So yeah, it feels good to think about me first. My kids will always come before me, but I was running a little on empty and if I can't recharge one way or another I have nothing to give them.

H's complaints about the kids not 'caring' about him is all self inflicted. They love him, but in the past two years its kind of like H expects them to put in the work. H complained that they don't talk to him or ignore him at home. I told him 'Well, do you ask about their day?' H's excuse is that they always say the same thing 'OK.' I told H that they will always just say 'OK' you still ask to show that you care.

I shouldn't have to explain to H how to be a parent, but I don't think H's parent's had that kind or relationship with him. All they focused on was sports. My mom was the same way with me, always too busy to be involved in my life. My dad is who I am closest with so I still have a very open relationship with him. I always felt that I never wanted my kids to feel unable to talk to me or feel that I was not listening. I guess that's why I make an extra effort to show them I'm interested in their life.

I don't know its like H forgot that our kids are growing up and part of that is being a teen. S18 is a typical teen, but pretty open to me and for certain things (i.e. girls) H. D11 drives me nuts with the attitude. We butt heads constantly. D8 is still my buddy and the best way to explain her is like a cuddly bear. D4 of course I am closest too, but that is due to her age and the fact that she always wants to be around me. They all are at different stages, but H expects them to remain how they were when they were younger and maintain the same interaction they did. But they are changing and growing. They need different things from us as parents.

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 10:44:47 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2019, 10:47:10 AM »
Hmmm - I saw this photo earlier but now its not there,  strange

Offline JoJoJo

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2019, 11:45:40 AM »

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.

When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2019, 12:10:10 PM »
Thanks JoJoJo, I am at the beginning of what looks like a reconnection between my H and my S.  I heard the same thing about marriage shouldn't be work.  My H was never involved with the nitty gritty of our kids' lives.  All of sudden, he is digging in with that stuff with our S (our D still won't talk to him).  It is nice to see that some of them do improve those relationships.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2019, 12:43:10 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2019, 12:49:21 PM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,

Hey Whyus, missed your comment. I was a big ball of tears leading up to S18's birthday. I can vividly recall the moment he was born and they placed him on my chest. I was 16 and freaking out, but as soon as I looked at S18 I knew I could do it. I could be a great mom to him. I would protect him and love him forever. Its funny I remember saying when he was younger that in x amount of years S18 will have graduated. Now that time is almost here. Its a strange mix of feelings to want to let them go, but hold on at the same time.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 12:52:14 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2019, 12:52:00 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

LOL its ok  ;) I follow along an a lot of other threads, including yours. I don't always comment, but love to absorb everyone's situation and of course offer virtual support. I was terrified of H leaving right after BD. Now not so much. I think it might be good for both of us. So we'll see. Thanks for following along.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 01:00:01 PM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2019, 02:58:14 AM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)

Jo,

I think that is script for many MLC'ers. I got that one too "If the R is work, there is something wrong..." Well... yeah, that is why you WORK at it...

IG,
Ironically, while STBX and I were together, I was the enforcer... She laid down the rules but I had to enforce them... She complained I wasn't involved in the kids lives but I was the one who went to all the parent meetings, I was the one who volunteered in their classes or Kindergarten, I was the one that got them up and out of bed, dressed and off to school/kindergarten. When she decided to leave, everyone assumed that the kids woudl stay with me because sshe was never a part of anything outside of the house... One of her Reasons du Jour for leaving was that I was "too strict with the kids." until they told MIL that they liked staying with Daddy because he is not as strict as Mama." That didn't go over well with STBX...

My IC also said that is is virtually ALWAYS easier for the enforcer to be fun and loving  than for the fun and loving one to have to become an enforcer... She said that the usual thing is for the enforcement to be WAY over the top and without reasons (sound familiar?)

I see that in my R with my kids.... I have my rules and those rules have consequences for breaking them... the consequences are always the same and they are always applied.... With STBX, sometimes the rules are enforeced, sometimes not. When they are, it might be 20 lashes with a wet noodle one time and the next time

so there is no consistency....

Better to be the stable, consistent, and loving parent with rules in my book...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2019, 04:51:25 PM »
I'm back to fill in the happenings from this past weekend. Friday I left work early to get some grocery shopping done. I wanted to start meal prepping again so I bought a whole lotta lettuce, spinach, kale, tomatoes... I'm doing the mason salad jar thing. I noticed how much I love grocery shopping now that I go without H. Its been almost a year of me doing it without him and only now I realize how I don't feel rushed or that I'm a burden because I'm taking time away from H's gaming or sports center.

Even when H went with me, he was useless. He didn't bother comparing prices or substituting something that wasn't available. If I didn't explicitly write the brand, size, or price he would be lost. I tried to show him what I do and I was by no means OCD about it. Just get it done was how I felt, but H always said 'I'll just push the cart'.

With the kids, everyone knows how shopping with kids are, it takes a little longer but I like to assign them with helping get stuff off the list. Let them see how I pick produce and let them weigh it. Have them figure out how much 2lbs of apples will cost. Let them pay for their treats. H never has the patience for that. I just think back on how it felt when I was a little kid, how important I felt when I got to do things like that. I just want them to feel that way too.

H came home with S18 and quickly said 'is it ok if I go out with my coworkers for a couple drinks.' I didn't want H to go out, but I felt stuck in that impossible situation that if I say no, I'm controlling. I just told H to do what he wanted. H asked 'are you alright?' I just nodded. I went to bed at 10:30 pm. H was still not home even though he said he would not be out late. I woke up at 2:30 am and H was no where to be found. I called, no answer. I texted, no answer. Then I got pissed. I called 4 times with no answer. I texted H, where the firetruck are you and who the firetruck are you with? I then texted we have responsibilities, S18 has to be at a school thing at 8am and you said you have to 'work' at 7 am. I told H I hope it was worth it goodbye.

H came home at 5:30 am. H woke me up and asked what my problem was. I told him that he was not sticking to our agreement and that I'm pissed because its not ok to disappear and act like a single man with no responsibilities. H apologized, but said he didn't want to come home. I said 'Fine, we can make that every night if you want. You don't have to ever come home then.' H said 'I said I'm sorry.' I told H 'You say you're sorry, but are you? I don't think so. You just want me to let it go. Do you know how triggering this is for me? I don't think you give a $h!t that I'm here while you do whatever you want.'

H said 'If you weren't ok with me not going out why didn't you say so?' I told H 'Because then I'm just a b!tch who won't let you have fun. You wanted to go out fine, but you are not responsible enough to say when. You got sh!t faced and disappeared. Just like when we were in our 20s. When are you going to grow up?' H just said 'I am sorry for making you worry. I was not with anyone. I left the bar at midnight and went to the beach to sleep. I didn't hear my phone or see your messages until this morning. What else do you want from me?' I told H 'Nothing. I don't want anything.'

After that I got up, put my big girl pants on and brushed off the whole interaction with H. Took S18 to his school thing, came home got D11 ready for her game. H met us at D11's game. Tried to make small chitchat with me. I ignored him. Luckily had the other mom's as a distraction. H slunk away early to get something to eat and I met H at S18's game after. I sat with one of the mom's there and had a good time talking story with her. After S18's game ended I left the field and didn't say a word to H.

At home H kept trying to talk to me. H was still giving me attitude so I just gave him one word answers and pretty much kept to myself. I felt like why are you trying to talk to me if you are going to cop an attitude with me the whole time? :o Its not cute, its annoying.

Surprisingly H invited me to go out for lunch on Sunday. I was kind of hesitant when giving my answer. H said 'Well if you don't want to then never mind.' I told H ok, if he wants me to come. H said 'I want you to come.' Lunch was ok. H tried to be chatty during the car ride, but I was busy texting my BFF A. I answered and acknowledged that I was listening to H. H was more curious who I was talking to. I don't play games, so I told H it was A. H then continued to be chatty during lunch.

H decided he needed 'alone' time and left us at home to go to the beach. I spent the afternoon meal prepping my mason jar salads. I grilled some chicken and steak. Got dinner ready and cleaned the kitchen. By the time I finished it was after 6 pm. H came home by then and was apprehensive in approaching me. H still gave off an attitude. Normally I would give it right back to him, but I realized it wasn't attitude rather H was being standoffish in anticipation of me picking a fight with him. Like he was preparing for a battle or something.

I decided to switch it up and took a soft gentle approach. Asking H how was his time at the beach. How was the weather...blah blah... small talk. H instantly softened. I allowed H to tell me about the rest of his day and then before H thought I was being too interested in his life, I told H I was going to shower and walked away. I left H to be and H decided to seek me out. I was in my room. H popped in and asked if he could join me on my game. I told him 'why didn't you just message me that instead of walking all the way upstairs?' H said 'I text you.' I heard my phone go off a minute ago, didn't look at it right away. Couldn't wait a minute for a response? ::)

I told H 'Up to you if you want to jump in.' H then asked me over the mic 'Everything ok with you? You seem distant.' I told H 'I'm good. Why?' H said 'I don't know. Just making sure.' Ummmm... ok then. H checked in on me during bed time. Asked again if I was alright... that I seemed cold... did you need another blanket. I told H I was ok. Thanks for checking. H lingered and then went to bed.  ???

This morning H actually said goodbye. Normally he's running out the door. I haven't really heard from him, but I've been busy and he said he will be busy too. I actually got work done today without interruptions.  8) I'll admit this weekend I was very weepy and sadz all over. I didn't let H see that though. I guess I just always feel left out by him. I felt lonely because he's here but not. I feel much better today, but those weepy cycles really do suck. At least they are getting farther and fewer in between.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2019, 05:37:19 AM »
Late to the party and just catching up, like the new hair look. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2019, 12:00:15 PM »
H said something last night. He asked to hold my hand. I obliged. H said it felt different, that everything between us was never going to be the same. I told H 'Yes. Things are different. Things will never be the same as before.' H said 'I'm mostly to blame for that.' I did not agree or disagree. After a moment of silence H continued 'I miss us from before.' I think I kind of sighed because H asked what was that supposed to mean.

I said 'H listen and listen hard and good. Things are forever changed and will never be how they were no matter how much we want it to be. But the thing about it is that change isn't always a bad thing. Its up to you to decide if how I have changed and how you have changed will be viewed, good or bad.' H got silent again, still holding my hand. I was not going to elaborate more because how I view H and his handling of blowing up our lives is completely opposite of how H see things. No matter how many times I try to get H to see from my point of view, he won't.

After that we went to bed. I allowed H to sleep next to me. Him on one side and I on the other. It is not up to be to have H lower his guard and break down his walls. I envision it as being me in a catapult, hurling myself at a wall and in the end I will be the one hurt in the process. I won't break myself apart anymore for H.

I do question, why blame the LBS? Why is there so much anger towards us? I know there are things that I contributed, but H never told me. I was too clingy. I never gave H space. I was really dependent on him. I do see that. I also did not tell H things that he did to push me away. I did not tell him the things he did that contributed to our strain in our R. When H mentions that we never fought before I remind him now that was because I didn't stand up for myself. I just let things slide. I gave into H to keep the peace. I don't want be that person anymore. I got resentful and checked out of our R for a little bit. Its sad that I don't think H even noticed. Or maybe he did because it was around that time H pushed really hard for us to make things official and get married.

I'm sorry for being all over the place, but that is the way my brain is at the moment. I recall when H brought up marriage. I felt sick. Like physically sick. I knew I loved H. I was still deeply in love with him and to some extent I know that it is still there, but currently shoved down so that I can detach. I think in the back of my mind, getting married would trap me. I saw how much it meant to H and agreed anyway. Against my own gut feeling. The two years we planned our wedding, I pushed through. The closer our wedding date got the more anxiety about it went away. 6 months prior to our wedding date I finally felt like I made the right decision. H started listening more and I thought our R was changing for the better.

I just wish I knew what happened. I wish I could pin point the how and why. I could drive myself crazy with the why. H doesn't even know why. His only answer was that he was not happy. That he was tired of being someone he was not. You know the whole 'You've always been too good for me Island.' I guess his 16 year act had me fooled. For 16 years prior to BD, it must have been exhausting H  ::) I know, I know, H has scrambled eggs for brains. It does not change how hurtful it is to hear that some one you care about feels like they would not be liked for being themselves. That I didn't love him for who he was, flaws and all.

I can see know that H held me on this impossible pedestal of being 'too good and pure.' That for 19 years now that by being myself and sticking to my morals (not to cheat, steal, lie...all that jazz) makes me Saint Island. The fact that I'm human and have flaws that I guess H was blind too up until BD, makes H feel like he's the one who's been bamboozled. I am not a saint. I am not all good and I am not all bad. I feel H has me on this impossible standard that I am doomed to fail no matter what I do. When I think about it too much I scream in my head "what the heck do you want from me?" and to echo H "no matter what I do, its not enough."



« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 12:25:27 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2019, 01:01:57 PM »
Wow so many similarities to what I have experienced.

Beast's token phrase that pissed me smooth off...and still does?

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2019, 01:50:52 PM »
Exactly Morte. Is it too hard to believe that someone could love you? The good and the bad? For all equals parts of you? In my mind love involves accepting both. Everything has to have an opposing side... no light without dark, no up without down, and so on. Why is it that MLCers are stuck thinking everything should be all sunshine and lollipops, rainbows nonsense. Like anytime things get hard they just give up. 'Its too hard to fix.' What's so hard about fixing something you firetrucked up H?

I'm not going to flog you or publicly shame you ala game of thrones... 'shame...shame...' (BTW I never watched GOT, but thanks memes for that reference). All I want is remorse, true remorse, something to show to me that more than words you do feel that. But I know that H cannot get beyond himself and out of his own head to do that. I get lots of guilt from him, but that is not the same thing. H's guilt makes me feel bad that I make him feel guilty. Again WTF.

Our H's are men children right now. Reverting back to rebellious teens. I'm getting tired of being the adulty-adult here.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline serenity

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2019, 02:03:18 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2019, 02:28:16 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

What does that even mean?  Did you ask him?  Such a drama llama! 

I get ‘ you’ll all be better off without me’ in agonised tones.  And I used to get a lot of other similar  stuff.  There’s just no answering it is there?

Offline hope2018

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2019, 02:58:14 PM »

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(

Thank you Morte I needed this laugh!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline serenity

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2019, 03:00:12 PM »
I think it was all part of not knowing the ‘real’ him or the ‘new’ him!

He’d decided he’d changed for the better (ha ha) and I apparently only wanted the ‘old’ him which was exactly right. I wanted the version I’d married , not the teenage idiot that he’d turned into!

X

Online Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2019, 03:01:52 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2019, 03:12:25 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)

 ;D ;D ;D Got me rolling over here Treasur!
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2019, 03:55:36 AM »
To true.

Fixed a few flaws, fluffed up the romance....Ahhh day dreamer.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #29 on: March 15, 2019, 04:13:36 AM »
Actually he was pretty good at the romance...a bit more exciting sex and some DIY skills would be fab though  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #30 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:33 AM »
gowh that felt good. I’ve actually had time to sit and start catching up on things with a cup or tea. I know what you mean when you say your H expects the children to stay the same. Mine is the same. A few weeks ago he made a comment about D5 and how she’s grown in confidence. She used to be such a shy girl but since starting school she’s become so much more confident. And I replied “that’s what starting school does to you” and he said “I know but she was always so little and shy” yes H. Time moves on. People change. My H also struggles with the lack of relationship he has with the kids. He has them on Saturdays all day if he’s not working or from 6pm when he is. And when he has a full day with them instead of taking them park or something he takes them to a shop and spends a fortune on toys and then takes them home and lets them get  on with life.

I think the whole in love with the idea comes from us apparently seeing them as different to who they are. As opposed to seeing them warts and all.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #31 on: March 15, 2019, 02:48:42 PM »
Oh believe me I see every blemish!
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #32 on: March 16, 2019, 03:40:10 PM »
I'm tired of feeling not heard or understood. I keep hearing from H "I keep saying sorry and apologizing Island. What more do you want? What else is it going to be?" I keep saying "I don't want your apologies. I want you to understand me. Apologies are empty. Do you get how I feel? Do you understand my pain?"

H says he does, but then does or say something completely opposite that makes me think he doesn't. I've shutdown. I'm shutting H out. I have decided the love I have for H is not enough. I am filing for divorce. I am no longer standing.

I was on the fence where I am standing for a couple of months now. Last night's and this morning's interaction with H all but cemented it. I won't go into the details but it's all the same. I can't have feelings because they make H feel guilty. I can't keep stuffing everything down to accommodate H.

I do feel great empathy for H, but I realize any love is gone. Replaced with anger and resentment. I find myself wanting H to hurt. I want to punish him. I'm bordering on hatred towards H. Because after everything he has put me thru it's still my fault.

I'm done and will be taking a break for a bit. Thank you all for the love and support. Without your wonderful, gentle, and sometimes tough loving understanding I would have been more lost.

With love,
Island
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline in it

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #33 on: March 16, 2019, 04:11:54 PM »
It isn't your fault and when you understand this you will feel better
He wants you to sweep everything under the rug and him have no accountability. I'm sorry only goes so far.

He doesn't understand to some degree because he hasn't been through it. That's no excuse to ignore your pain.

Do what's best for you.

We're here if you need us.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #34 on: March 16, 2019, 08:50:27 PM »
Everything that init says.
We're here if you want us.
And love? Yes, it changes bc of this kind of experience, of course it does. Don't worry about that. The more you can detach your own life and happiness from his crisis, the less damage he can do to your spirit and you may find - as many of us do - that the love is surprisingly sticky but we just find a different way to use and feel it.
You are a fine young woman, island, and you will be ok. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #35 on: March 17, 2019, 12:46:48 AM »
Island,

There comes a time when the LBS says "Enough." and that is fine.

Your choice to end your stand is a personal one that each of us has to make on a regular basis. Please don't think that you are no longer welcome here because of this choice. Regardless, you'll be dealing with the fallout of his MLC for a while, even going through a D, so you may wish to keep Journaling that part of the journey as well.

As far as H goes, well, there is a FB meme that's been trending for a while that sums it up - "Sorry means nothing if the actions do not change."
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #36 on: March 17, 2019, 04:13:46 AM »
Regret (I'm sorry) leads a person to avoid punishment in the future.
 
The remorseful person will avoid doing the hurtful action again.

Take all the time you need, Island.  We'll be here if you need us.

{{Big Hug}}



A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2019, 02:46:00 AM »
UM - funnily enough I’ve seen and shared that meme myself! It’s very true.

Island - I think more often than not, unless you’ve been through a similar situation you can’t ever really know how that person feels. You can try to imagine it. But it’s never the same. I remember before D2 was born and I had friends who spent weeks and week in hospital and I always imagined how awful it would be. But it’s really nothing in comparison to how it actually feels to have a child be poorly and in hospital. It’s easy for people to say sorry but it’s exceptionally hard for people to really mean it. Another quote I love is “Actions always show why words mean nothing”
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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