Author Topic: My Story Thank you, next?  (Read 2092 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
My Story Thank you, next?
« on: February 28, 2019, 04:29:02 PM »
The great UM has spoken. It's new thread time.

Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10492.0;all
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 02:01:42 AM »
Tagging Along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 03:52:11 AM »
Wheeeeeeeee!

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 02:58:36 PM »
When I left off in my last thread, I got roped into another fruitless convo with H. This weekend I asked H to give me space and he obliged. I gave H a quick reality check and said this weekend is about S17, please remember that. S17 is not S18. I admit I did cry :'( He's a man now. (still my baby though).

It turned out to be a nice weekend. S18 had baseball on Saturday and D11 had soccer at the same time. H and I split duties, him at one field and I at another. We didn't have much interaction during the day. H was very engaging when he got home and wouldn't stop talking my ear off about random little things.

H made an off comment like he doesn't care what is going on in other people's lives. He doesn't follow anyone on FB (meaning on his news feed), but he said 'I look at your page all the time Island. Doesn't that say something?' I told H, that I appreciate what he was saying, but that him stalking my FB is not communicating he cares to me. H said, 'He can't care about anyone except the kids now.' I told him its ok, if that is all he can focus on. H still remained friendly and talkative the rest of the day.

I spend Saturday watching Netflix and spooning with D4. Its all a little blurry, but later that night H was being playful and somehow we became intimate. H asked 'when was the last time we kissed Island?' I told him forever ago, but it was his choice. I won't kiss someone who doesn't want me to. H asked me if it was ok to kiss me and I think that's where it happened. Unlike last time, H was present while it was happening and I didn't feel like I was with some empty vessel or some pod person.

Sunday we took S18 to a local hibachi restaurant. The kids were being kids (specifically D8 & D11)...moody, wanting to go home and play games, there's nothing we eat here....blah blah blah. Only D4 was excited, she loves eating out and is always with me so she was the most behaved. Their mood quickly changed when the chef came out and began cooking in front of them. After that was laughs and 'oh everything is so delicious.' ::)

We all ate way too much and took home a lot of left overs. I felt like you had to roll me into the car, full. I decided to walk it off when we got home and H went on his own walk. After an hour by myself, I instantly felt better. H came home before me and gave me a little attitude, like 'what took you so long?' But I ignored him and took a shower. I spent the rest of the night relaxing with D4.

Turns out H wasn't feeling good and is sick, but instead of saying so, I'm supposed to just know. This morning H still met me at the auto mechanics to get my tires changed. He has been calling and texting me throughout the morning. I joked that he was checking in and H said 'yes I am.'

Trying to keep the calm energy going. Wish me luck.  8) 
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2019, 06:33:49 PM »
Today I did something for me. I chopped my mid-back length hair into a gorgeous lob (long bob). I was so afraid, but the hair stylist was so reassuring.
It was long overdue. H was sick and stayed home. D4 was also sick and I stayed home with her. I took the opportunity to finally cut my hair. I didn't ask H. I just told him to keep an eye on D4. H didn't grumble and also offered to wash the car at the wash. H also offered to eat lunch later.
I love my hair. At first H made a comment like 'oh, you cut it all off.' I almost said 'you don't like it?' But D4 beat me by saying 'You're hair is beautiful mommy.' H 'preferred' my hair long, but I don't  care either way and felt like a change. H quickly said it was nice. It looks like this, sorry for the large picture but im on my phone and can't figure out how to adjust it.



At lunch H complained that D4 kept asking for me and 'she doesn't care about me anymore, she just wants mommy.' I told H 'maybe if you spend time with her and did things she liked.' H just kept being an eeyore so I told him 'it's up to you to develop the relationship you want with her.'

H quickly shut up after that. I was more chatty then usual with H , but more so because I really felt so good after my haircut. It's amazing how an hour to myself helped me recharge and feel so light. I plan on going back to color my hair. Maybe go lighter. We'll see  8)
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3079
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 12:38:25 AM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 12:58:53 AM »
Can't see the picture but it sounds lovely. Funnily enough, I did much the same last year. Shortest my hair had ever been in 30 years and it took me a few weeks to get used to it when I looked in the mirror lol.

But yes. Island, sometimes those small acts of 'this is I want to be now' have a lot of oomph to them. For most of us, we do get to a point after accepting the limits of our control over stuff when we start hunting for things that make us feel stronger and more like ourselves. Usually while the MLCer runs around in circles throwing hand grenades lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2019, 02:55:00 AM »
Sounds like a plan, IG.

Ironically, I had an opposite experience this weekend. D8 has been glued to STBX like nobodies business for ages (mostly due to manipulation from STBX). She and S11 had Monday and Tuesday off from school and STBX couldn't take the days off so I did. D8 then decided that, instead of staying with me "just" Sunday and Monday nights (so she wouldn't have to get up early) , she was going to stay Saturday through Tuesday (Yesterday was the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper so we did that) ..... OK, they were with mom for a few hours on Suday while I was in church but other than that, they were with me.

S11 does that every 2nd week (4 nights) buut I haven't had D8 with me that long since we were skiing in January. STBXW was shocked when D said that she was "going to stay with Daddy Saturday, Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday"  STBX said "But that is FOUR days!" D8 looked her dead int he eye and just said "I know."

So, where your Mr. Sadz is complaining that D4 is always wanting Mommy because he doesn't DO anything with her, my D8 is finally untying herself from STBXW's apron strings... and she had a good time!

It really IS up to the Mid-Lifer and the kids to establish their own R... And the fact he clammed up when you told him that he had to develop the R with her says that the truth dart (even unintended) hit the mark.... HE has to work on developing the R with anyone....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2019, 10:43:38 AM »
Shucks, I was updating from my phone and it showed the picture when I was previewing it. Let me try again. It looks like this, but I don't have the highlights yet.  :)



I still have it a little light on the ends from when I first colored my hair so adding highlights or something will be really cute. I normally would feel guilty about doing something for myself. I don't' think H intentionally did or said things to make me feel that way. I think I always put him first. So yeah, it feels good to think about me first. My kids will always come before me, but I was running a little on empty and if I can't recharge one way or another I have nothing to give them.

H's complaints about the kids not 'caring' about him is all self inflicted. They love him, but in the past two years its kind of like H expects them to put in the work. H complained that they don't talk to him or ignore him at home. I told him 'Well, do you ask about their day?' H's excuse is that they always say the same thing 'OK.' I told H that they will always just say 'OK' you still ask to show that you care.

I shouldn't have to explain to H how to be a parent, but I don't think H's parent's had that kind or relationship with him. All they focused on was sports. My mom was the same way with me, always too busy to be involved in my life. My dad is who I am closest with so I still have a very open relationship with him. I always felt that I never wanted my kids to feel unable to talk to me or feel that I was not listening. I guess that's why I make an extra effort to show them I'm interested in their life.

I don't know its like H forgot that our kids are growing up and part of that is being a teen. S18 is a typical teen, but pretty open to me and for certain things (i.e. girls) H. D11 drives me nuts with the attitude. We butt heads constantly. D8 is still my buddy and the best way to explain her is like a cuddly bear. D4 of course I am closest too, but that is due to her age and the fact that she always wants to be around me. They all are at different stages, but H expects them to remain how they were when they were younger and maintain the same interaction they did. But they are changing and growing. They need different things from us as parents.

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 10:44:47 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online OldPilot

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12696
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2019, 10:47:10 AM »
Hmmm - I saw this photo earlier but now its not there,  strange

Offline JoJoJo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 147
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2019, 11:45:40 AM »

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.

When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Unraveled

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 230
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2019, 12:10:10 PM »
Thanks JoJoJo, I am at the beginning of what looks like a reconnection between my H and my S.  I heard the same thing about marriage shouldn't be work.  My H was never involved with the nitty gritty of our kids' lives.  All of sudden, he is digging in with that stuff with our S (our D still won't talk to him).  It is nice to see that some of them do improve those relationships.

Offline Unraveled

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 230
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2019, 12:43:10 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2019, 12:49:21 PM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,

Hey Whyus, missed your comment. I was a big ball of tears leading up to S18's birthday. I can vividly recall the moment he was born and they placed him on my chest. I was 16 and freaking out, but as soon as I looked at S18 I knew I could do it. I could be a great mom to him. I would protect him and love him forever. Its funny I remember saying when he was younger that in x amount of years S18 will have graduated. Now that time is almost here. Its a strange mix of feelings to want to let them go, but hold on at the same time.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 12:52:14 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2019, 12:52:00 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

LOL its ok  ;) I follow along an a lot of other threads, including yours. I don't always comment, but love to absorb everyone's situation and of course offer virtual support. I was terrified of H leaving right after BD. Now not so much. I think it might be good for both of us. So we'll see. Thanks for following along.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 01:00:01 PM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2019, 02:58:14 AM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)

Jo,

I think that is script for many MLC'ers. I got that one too "If the R is work, there is something wrong..." Well... yeah, that is why you WORK at it...

IG,
Ironically, while STBX and I were together, I was the enforcer... She laid down the rules but I had to enforce them... She complained I wasn't involved in the kids lives but I was the one who went to all the parent meetings, I was the one who volunteered in their classes or Kindergarten, I was the one that got them up and out of bed, dressed and off to school/kindergarten. When she decided to leave, everyone assumed that the kids woudl stay with me because sshe was never a part of anything outside of the house... One of her Reasons du Jour for leaving was that I was "too strict with the kids." until they told MIL that they liked staying with Daddy because he is not as strict as Mama." That didn't go over well with STBX...

My IC also said that is is virtually ALWAYS easier for the enforcer to be fun and loving  than for the fun and loving one to have to become an enforcer... She said that the usual thing is for the enforcement to be WAY over the top and without reasons (sound familiar?)

I see that in my R with my kids.... I have my rules and those rules have consequences for breaking them... the consequences are always the same and they are always applied.... With STBX, sometimes the rules are enforeced, sometimes not. When they are, it might be 20 lashes with a wet noodle one time and the next time

so there is no consistency....

Better to be the stable, consistent, and loving parent with rules in my book...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2019, 04:51:25 PM »
I'm back to fill in the happenings from this past weekend. Friday I left work early to get some grocery shopping done. I wanted to start meal prepping again so I bought a whole lotta lettuce, spinach, kale, tomatoes... I'm doing the mason salad jar thing. I noticed how much I love grocery shopping now that I go without H. Its been almost a year of me doing it without him and only now I realize how I don't feel rushed or that I'm a burden because I'm taking time away from H's gaming or sports center.

Even when H went with me, he was useless. He didn't bother comparing prices or substituting something that wasn't available. If I didn't explicitly write the brand, size, or price he would be lost. I tried to show him what I do and I was by no means OCD about it. Just get it done was how I felt, but H always said 'I'll just push the cart'.

With the kids, everyone knows how shopping with kids are, it takes a little longer but I like to assign them with helping get stuff off the list. Let them see how I pick produce and let them weigh it. Have them figure out how much 2lbs of apples will cost. Let them pay for their treats. H never has the patience for that. I just think back on how it felt when I was a little kid, how important I felt when I got to do things like that. I just want them to feel that way too.

H came home with S18 and quickly said 'is it ok if I go out with my coworkers for a couple drinks.' I didn't want H to go out, but I felt stuck in that impossible situation that if I say no, I'm controlling. I just told H to do what he wanted. H asked 'are you alright?' I just nodded. I went to bed at 10:30 pm. H was still not home even though he said he would not be out late. I woke up at 2:30 am and H was no where to be found. I called, no answer. I texted, no answer. Then I got pissed. I called 4 times with no answer. I texted H, where the firetruck are you and who the firetruck are you with? I then texted we have responsibilities, S18 has to be at a school thing at 8am and you said you have to 'work' at 7 am. I told H I hope it was worth it goodbye.

H came home at 5:30 am. H woke me up and asked what my problem was. I told him that he was not sticking to our agreement and that I'm pissed because its not ok to disappear and act like a single man with no responsibilities. H apologized, but said he didn't want to come home. I said 'Fine, we can make that every night if you want. You don't have to ever come home then.' H said 'I said I'm sorry.' I told H 'You say you're sorry, but are you? I don't think so. You just want me to let it go. Do you know how triggering this is for me? I don't think you give a $h!t that I'm here while you do whatever you want.'

H said 'If you weren't ok with me not going out why didn't you say so?' I told H 'Because then I'm just a b!tch who won't let you have fun. You wanted to go out fine, but you are not responsible enough to say when. You got sh!t faced and disappeared. Just like when we were in our 20s. When are you going to grow up?' H just said 'I am sorry for making you worry. I was not with anyone. I left the bar at midnight and went to the beach to sleep. I didn't hear my phone or see your messages until this morning. What else do you want from me?' I told H 'Nothing. I don't want anything.'

After that I got up, put my big girl pants on and brushed off the whole interaction with H. Took S18 to his school thing, came home got D11 ready for her game. H met us at D11's game. Tried to make small chitchat with me. I ignored him. Luckily had the other mom's as a distraction. H slunk away early to get something to eat and I met H at S18's game after. I sat with one of the mom's there and had a good time talking story with her. After S18's game ended I left the field and didn't say a word to H.

At home H kept trying to talk to me. H was still giving me attitude so I just gave him one word answers and pretty much kept to myself. I felt like why are you trying to talk to me if you are going to cop an attitude with me the whole time? :o Its not cute, its annoying.

Surprisingly H invited me to go out for lunch on Sunday. I was kind of hesitant when giving my answer. H said 'Well if you don't want to then never mind.' I told H ok, if he wants me to come. H said 'I want you to come.' Lunch was ok. H tried to be chatty during the car ride, but I was busy texting my BFF A. I answered and acknowledged that I was listening to H. H was more curious who I was talking to. I don't play games, so I told H it was A. H then continued to be chatty during lunch.

H decided he needed 'alone' time and left us at home to go to the beach. I spent the afternoon meal prepping my mason jar salads. I grilled some chicken and steak. Got dinner ready and cleaned the kitchen. By the time I finished it was after 6 pm. H came home by then and was apprehensive in approaching me. H still gave off an attitude. Normally I would give it right back to him, but I realized it wasn't attitude rather H was being standoffish in anticipation of me picking a fight with him. Like he was preparing for a battle or something.

I decided to switch it up and took a soft gentle approach. Asking H how was his time at the beach. How was the weather...blah blah... small talk. H instantly softened. I allowed H to tell me about the rest of his day and then before H thought I was being too interested in his life, I told H I was going to shower and walked away. I left H to be and H decided to seek me out. I was in my room. H popped in and asked if he could join me on my game. I told him 'why didn't you just message me that instead of walking all the way upstairs?' H said 'I text you.' I heard my phone go off a minute ago, didn't look at it right away. Couldn't wait a minute for a response? ::)

I told H 'Up to you if you want to jump in.' H then asked me over the mic 'Everything ok with you? You seem distant.' I told H 'I'm good. Why?' H said 'I don't know. Just making sure.' Ummmm... ok then. H checked in on me during bed time. Asked again if I was alright... that I seemed cold... did you need another blanket. I told H I was ok. Thanks for checking. H lingered and then went to bed.  ???

This morning H actually said goodbye. Normally he's running out the door. I haven't really heard from him, but I've been busy and he said he will be busy too. I actually got work done today without interruptions.  8) I'll admit this weekend I was very weepy and sadz all over. I didn't let H see that though. I guess I just always feel left out by him. I felt lonely because he's here but not. I feel much better today, but those weepy cycles really do suck. At least they are getting farther and fewer in between.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2019, 05:37:19 AM »
Late to the party and just catching up, like the new hair look. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2019, 12:00:15 PM »
H said something last night. He asked to hold my hand. I obliged. H said it felt different, that everything between us was never going to be the same. I told H 'Yes. Things are different. Things will never be the same as before.' H said 'I'm mostly to blame for that.' I did not agree or disagree. After a moment of silence H continued 'I miss us from before.' I think I kind of sighed because H asked what was that supposed to mean.

I said 'H listen and listen hard and good. Things are forever changed and will never be how they were no matter how much we want it to be. But the thing about it is that change isn't always a bad thing. Its up to you to decide if how I have changed and how you have changed will be viewed, good or bad.' H got silent again, still holding my hand. I was not going to elaborate more because how I view H and his handling of blowing up our lives is completely opposite of how H see things. No matter how many times I try to get H to see from my point of view, he won't.

After that we went to bed. I allowed H to sleep next to me. Him on one side and I on the other. It is not up to be to have H lower his guard and break down his walls. I envision it as being me in a catapult, hurling myself at a wall and in the end I will be the one hurt in the process. I won't break myself apart anymore for H.

I do question, why blame the LBS? Why is there so much anger towards us? I know there are things that I contributed, but H never told me. I was too clingy. I never gave H space. I was really dependent on him. I do see that. I also did not tell H things that he did to push me away. I did not tell him the things he did that contributed to our strain in our R. When H mentions that we never fought before I remind him now that was because I didn't stand up for myself. I just let things slide. I gave into H to keep the peace. I don't want be that person anymore. I got resentful and checked out of our R for a little bit. Its sad that I don't think H even noticed. Or maybe he did because it was around that time H pushed really hard for us to make things official and get married.

I'm sorry for being all over the place, but that is the way my brain is at the moment. I recall when H brought up marriage. I felt sick. Like physically sick. I knew I loved H. I was still deeply in love with him and to some extent I know that it is still there, but currently shoved down so that I can detach. I think in the back of my mind, getting married would trap me. I saw how much it meant to H and agreed anyway. Against my own gut feeling. The two years we planned our wedding, I pushed through. The closer our wedding date got the more anxiety about it went away. 6 months prior to our wedding date I finally felt like I made the right decision. H started listening more and I thought our R was changing for the better.

I just wish I knew what happened. I wish I could pin point the how and why. I could drive myself crazy with the why. H doesn't even know why. His only answer was that he was not happy. That he was tired of being someone he was not. You know the whole 'You've always been too good for me Island.' I guess his 16 year act had me fooled. For 16 years prior to BD, it must have been exhausting H  ::) I know, I know, H has scrambled eggs for brains. It does not change how hurtful it is to hear that some one you care about feels like they would not be liked for being themselves. That I didn't love him for who he was, flaws and all.

I can see know that H held me on this impossible pedestal of being 'too good and pure.' That for 19 years now that by being myself and sticking to my morals (not to cheat, steal, lie...all that jazz) makes me Saint Island. The fact that I'm human and have flaws that I guess H was blind too up until BD, makes H feel like he's the one who's been bamboozled. I am not a saint. I am not all good and I am not all bad. I feel H has me on this impossible standard that I am doomed to fail no matter what I do. When I think about it too much I scream in my head "what the heck do you want from me?" and to echo H "no matter what I do, its not enough."



« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 12:25:27 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2019, 01:01:57 PM »
Wow so many similarities to what I have experienced.

Beast's token phrase that pissed me smooth off...and still does?

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2019, 01:50:52 PM »
Exactly Morte. Is it too hard to believe that someone could love you? The good and the bad? For all equals parts of you? In my mind love involves accepting both. Everything has to have an opposing side... no light without dark, no up without down, and so on. Why is it that MLCers are stuck thinking everything should be all sunshine and lollipops, rainbows nonsense. Like anytime things get hard they just give up. 'Its too hard to fix.' What's so hard about fixing something you firetrucked up H?

I'm not going to flog you or publicly shame you ala game of thrones... 'shame...shame...' (BTW I never watched GOT, but thanks memes for that reference). All I want is remorse, true remorse, something to show to me that more than words you do feel that. But I know that H cannot get beyond himself and out of his own head to do that. I get lots of guilt from him, but that is not the same thing. H's guilt makes me feel bad that I make him feel guilty. Again WTF.

Our H's are men children right now. Reverting back to rebellious teens. I'm getting tired of being the adulty-adult here.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2019, 02:03:18 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

Offline Nerissa

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 380
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2019, 02:28:16 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

What does that even mean?  Did you ask him?  Such a drama llama! 

I get ‘ you’ll all be better off without me’ in agonised tones.  And I used to get a lot of other similar  stuff.  There’s just no answering it is there?

Offline hope2018

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2019, 02:58:14 PM »

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(

Thank you Morte I needed this laugh!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline serenity

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3425
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2019, 03:00:12 PM »
I think it was all part of not knowing the ‘real’ him or the ‘new’ him!

He’d decided he’d changed for the better (ha ha) and I apparently only wanted the ‘old’ him which was exactly right. I wanted the version I’d married , not the teenage idiot that he’d turned into!

X

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2019, 03:01:52 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2019, 03:12:25 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)

 ;D ;D ;D Got me rolling over here Treasur!
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2019, 03:55:36 AM »
To true.

Fixed a few flaws, fluffed up the romance....Ahhh day dreamer.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #29 on: March 15, 2019, 04:13:36 AM »
Actually he was pretty good at the romance...a bit more exciting sex and some DIY skills would be fab though  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #30 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:33 AM »
gowh that felt good. I’ve actually had time to sit and start catching up on things with a cup or tea. I know what you mean when you say your H expects the children to stay the same. Mine is the same. A few weeks ago he made a comment about D5 and how she’s grown in confidence. She used to be such a shy girl but since starting school she’s become so much more confident. And I replied “that’s what starting school does to you” and he said “I know but she was always so little and shy” yes H. Time moves on. People change. My H also struggles with the lack of relationship he has with the kids. He has them on Saturdays all day if he’s not working or from 6pm when he is. And when he has a full day with them instead of taking them park or something he takes them to a shop and spends a fortune on toys and then takes them home and lets them get  on with life.

I think the whole in love with the idea comes from us apparently seeing them as different to who they are. As opposed to seeing them warts and all.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #31 on: March 15, 2019, 02:48:42 PM »
Oh believe me I see every blemish!
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #32 on: March 16, 2019, 03:40:10 PM »
I'm tired of feeling not heard or understood. I keep hearing from H "I keep saying sorry and apologizing Island. What more do you want? What else is it going to be?" I keep saying "I don't want your apologies. I want you to understand me. Apologies are empty. Do you get how I feel? Do you understand my pain?"

H says he does, but then does or say something completely opposite that makes me think he doesn't. I've shutdown. I'm shutting H out. I have decided the love I have for H is not enough. I am filing for divorce. I am no longer standing.

I was on the fence where I am standing for a couple of months now. Last night's and this morning's interaction with H all but cemented it. I won't go into the details but it's all the same. I can't have feelings because they make H feel guilty. I can't keep stuffing everything down to accommodate H.

I do feel great empathy for H, but I realize any love is gone. Replaced with anger and resentment. I find myself wanting H to hurt. I want to punish him. I'm bordering on hatred towards H. Because after everything he has put me thru it's still my fault.

I'm done and will be taking a break for a bit. Thank you all for the love and support. Without your wonderful, gentle, and sometimes tough loving understanding I would have been more lost.

With love,
Island
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11532
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #33 on: March 16, 2019, 04:11:54 PM »
It isn't your fault and when you understand this you will feel better
He wants you to sweep everything under the rug and him have no accountability. I'm sorry only goes so far.

He doesn't understand to some degree because he hasn't been through it. That's no excuse to ignore your pain.

Do what's best for you.

We're here if you need us.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #34 on: March 16, 2019, 08:50:27 PM »
Everything that init says.
We're here if you want us.
And love? Yes, it changes bc of this kind of experience, of course it does. Don't worry about that. The more you can detach your own life and happiness from his crisis, the less damage he can do to your spirit and you may find - as many of us do - that the love is surprisingly sticky but we just find a different way to use and feel it.
You are a fine young woman, island, and you will be ok. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #35 on: March 17, 2019, 12:46:48 AM »
Island,

There comes a time when the LBS says "Enough." and that is fine.

Your choice to end your stand is a personal one that each of us has to make on a regular basis. Please don't think that you are no longer welcome here because of this choice. Regardless, you'll be dealing with the fallout of his MLC for a while, even going through a D, so you may wish to keep Journaling that part of the journey as well.

As far as H goes, well, there is a FB meme that's been trending for a while that sums it up - "Sorry means nothing if the actions do not change."
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21075
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #36 on: March 17, 2019, 04:13:46 AM »
Regret (I'm sorry) leads a person to avoid punishment in the future.
 
The remorseful person will avoid doing the hurtful action again.

Take all the time you need, Island.  We'll be here if you need us.

{{Big Hug}}



A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2019, 02:46:00 AM »
UM - funnily enough I’ve seen and shared that meme myself! It’s very true.

Island - I think more often than not, unless you’ve been through a similar situation you can’t ever really know how that person feels. You can try to imagine it. But it’s never the same. I remember before D2 was born and I had friends who spent weeks and week in hospital and I always imagined how awful it would be. But it’s really nothing in comparison to how it actually feels to have a child be poorly and in hospital. It’s easy for people to say sorry but it’s exceptionally hard for people to really mean it. Another quote I love is “Actions always show why words mean nothing”
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2019, 01:26:40 PM »
Hello HS fam. It’s been over a month since I’ve been on. It seems as though a lot of things have been going on around here. I’ll need to devote sometime to catching up on threads.

I guess for me a lot of things have changed, but at the same time are still the same regarding H. Around the time I took my HS hiatus I told him I was filing for D. H asked I wait until S18 graduates. I agreed, we are sleeping in the same room, but H is on the floor. No physical contact. We don’t really see each other until the evening.

H still helps with the kids and has been trying to pull his head out of his a$$ engage with the kids more. He still comments that the kids seem closer to me. I don’t answer just give him the ??? look. Honestly its just reassurance H is looking for. Before I would say ‘no that’s not true’ and point out x,y,z ways that the kids love him. H just wants reassurance that he is loved. I do feel sadness that even with the unconditional love our kids give us H still feels the need for validation that they love him. On the flip side there are times it just feels like a juvenile competition on who is the favorite parent.  ::)

After the D convo, my kitty ‘M’ began to get sickly. I noticed she wasn’t eating much and began to lose weight. I found lumps on her stomach. She had breast cancer. Pretty advanced. I spent the next month giving her as much love and care possible. H broke down and cried. I never knew he felt that way towards her, being that he is not very keen on pets or animals in general. We’ve had her for 13 years.

M was there when I was struggling to get pregnant with D11. She literally fell from the sky into our yard. Our neighbors on the 3rd floor were notorious cat hoarders, M fell from the balcony or jumped… ::) I imagine living conditions weren’t ideal. I heard her meowing at our backdoor. As soon as I opened it M looked at me like ‘what took you so long’ and proceeded to walk in like she owned the place. She was so tiny and could fit in the palm of my hand. I bottle fed her, cleaned her of all the fleas by meticulously combing her fur every day, at night she slept on my neck. M became my baby.

At that time H began his affair with his then coworker. M was there to comfort me while my heart was broken. A year later H and I reconciled, and I immediately got pregnant with D11. M was there every step of the way of my pregnancy, purring on my belly, even trying to comfort me while I was in labor. She never left my side. As soon as we brought D11 home from the hospital, M was there making sure I was being a good mother to D. Whenever D11 would cry, M would immediately run to her and meow loudly until I came.

D11 grew up with M and M would let her dress her up and carry her around. They slept together every night. M on D11’s head. Eventually when D8 and D4 came along, M did the same things. I loved her so very much. She was the most devoted kitty I’ve ever met. It broke my heart to find her cold under the stairs. H held her and cried and cried.
M passed away on good Friday. She didn’t come out in the morning for breakfast like she normally did. I promised the girls we would have a beach day, so I didn’t look for her. I wish I did because during the time we were out and about I believe she lay in the closet under the stairs taking her last breaths. I didn’t want her to be alone. I wanted to comfort her the way she did me all those times. I do believe she didn’t want me to see her that way and as cats do she hid away.

What you aren’t told in your grief-stricken state is what to do with the body when all the pet clinics are closed, and this isn’t considered an emergency. Thanks to google I figured out. Morbid, but I put her in a cooler with ice so that way in the morning I could take her to the vet clinic for cremation. I had to have the talk with the girls about death and what will happen after. D4 asked if we’ll get her back alive after. Even in my sadness I joked no this is not pet semetary  ;).

BTW, cremation is expensive if you want your loved fur baby back $235 or $57 for communal and then they ‘dispose’ of the ashes. I wanted M back she is family. This led to a convo with H about finances, which for months H has said everything was separate. I told H I would pay for the cremation. H asked where I got all this extra money. I told H I took out a loan the previous week to consolidate all the credit card debt I racked up when he left. I was paying 24% interest on a lot of it, thru my bank it dropped to 7%. I was paying the minimum every month, in long run that’s a lot of interest I’m paying. I wanted a fresh start in a sense. H was upset that I didn’t ‘consult’ him prior to the loan. I told H “it didn’t affect you, so I didn’t think it was a convo we needed to have.” H said ‘ok, I understand, but it feels like your making plans and moving on without me.’

Easter, we took the kids to the beach and had an egg hunt. It started off lovely. The kids had fun. H and I were joking around and being friendly. Then things turned bad, fast. H started the R convo, which I tried to maneuver so it didn’t happen. Then came the financial talk about how I didn’t ask him permission first?!? I lost it at that point. I told H “Permission?!? Really? WTF. Who do you think you are? You don’t own me. I don’t have to ask your permission for anything. Especially my finances. Second, you wanted everything separate. On one hand you say you want out, but then do and say contradicting things. You can’t have it both ways. Yea, normally I would have had a convo with you prior to making a decision like that, but you are the one who chose to check out of our R.”

H then monstered a lot, brought out the big guns about everything wronged by him in our marriage. I ignored H and started packing up to go. H was worked up in frenzy at this point saying he never loved me and was only here for the kids. D8 stepped in and calmly told H, “can you just stop. You always do this.” H was taken aback and apologized to D8 that he says things he doesn’t mean. D8 said ‘you need to learn not to say things to hurt people because you’re hurting dad.’  8)

At home I ignored H. He reacted by throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old and while unpacking the care began throwing things around. The girls were inside showering so luckily, they didn’t see him being a complete fool. S18 intervened and told H to leave and cool off, which he did. Of course, it wasn’t enough, H began posting on FB that I am fake, that I didn’t want to take his last name, that I was not proud to carry his name, that I had to be talked into taking his last name…blah blah. I responded to his post that he was being childish, and I don’t air my issues on FB. After that I deactivated FB and deleted the app from my phone.

H then asked if I deleted my comments and I told him no I deactivated FB. H weirdly begged me to not as he stalks looks at my pictures of us from before. I told him I don’t need that kind of abuse. H saw me removing all photos of him on my IG as that is all I have along with Twitter now. H asked why, and I told him I don’t need a constant reminder of him right now. I told H it hurts to look at us smiling and happy so I’m archiving it until I’m in a place that it doesn’t hurt so much. That unlike what he did I am not deleting years of our lives or pretending that it never happened because I was so happy back then. We were happy back then. I refuse to believe that all those years were a lie. H was silent then, eventually saying he will give me space and he was sorry for hurting me so much.

The next week was silent. We were able to co-parent. Go to S18’s games and sit next to one another. Talk and chit chat, but nothing of substance. H asked for help finding a dentist and the mother in me scheduled an appointment for him. Turns out his toothache that he’s had for a month will be a root canal. The same tooth he already had a root canal, but the previous dentist only did half and called it a day but billed us for a full one. It was 6 years ago, and the new dentist H just shook his head and said I have not idea what this other guy did, but it was done half a$$ed.
 
That brings us up to this past weekend. H surprised me with a hug and kiss and said he loves me but knows he’s not well and would rather we be apart as he is tired of hurting me. I told H that I was the most patient person and that I was giving him time, but lately it seems like its not enough. That there was no push to work on himself. That were just stuck in an endless cycle. I told H I can’t wait anymore. I went on to say it breaks my heart to do so because I love him and always will, but each time I try to piece my self back together there just little pieces that are lost forever. Like a broken mirror, you can glue it back together, but the edges never quite line up the same and you are left with visible cracks.

H was visible shaken and said I’ll always love you Island. I told H ‘I know.’ Since then H has wanted to go on lunch dates and hang. He is still checking in. Calling to say ‘Hi’. Telling me where he is, what he is doing, what he spent money on, what he ate for lunch. Little things that he used to do. I’m just sitting back. Not taking the bait. Being polite, but firm in keeping my distance.

I have come into the 2nd anniversary of BD (4/25/17). I didn’t even think about it. It was just another day. I didn’t realize BD was upon me until I saw my calendar and thought oh it was yesterday. 8) I still see OW pretty much every week at S18 games. She avoids me and runs every time she sees me. I’m getting to a place where I don’t care. H tries to paint her as a villain. I like to point out that he allowed it so… ::). I don’t check H’s phone records. I don’t stalk his FB. I don’t snoop his phone. I don’t get anxiety anymore about his phone whenever it rings, or a message comes thru.

I did want my marriage, but not now. Not as H is now. I almost got sucked in again with that hug and kiss. For a split second I saw a glimpse of H, old H. I think I’ve begun to accept that H is gone and is not coming back. I needed time to mourn that loss.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21075
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2019, 02:08:33 PM »
Hi Island,

Thanks for the update, I was wondering how you were doing. 
I don't have much to comment on, as your update sounds like not much has changed with your H.

I did however, want to tell you how very sorry I am about your beloved M.  It brought tears to me eyes.
It's hard to lose a pet after so many years, they become part of the family. I'm just glad you have such wonderful memories of how loving she was with your family.

Try not to feel bad she dies under the stairway, alone.
Animals face death so very differently than we do.   No pissing and moaning, no pity parties, it's just part of life.
Kind of like when a dog loses a leg.  They just run around on three legs like it never happened.  ::)

We could maybe learn some lessons from them, huh?
They accept things so much better than we do.

Hugs Island   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2019, 02:53:25 PM »
Glad to hear from you island and I’m so sorry to hear about M. Loosing a pet is a very hard experience. Especially when children are involved.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Father5

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2019, 09:20:38 PM »
Hi Island,

So sorry to hear About your pet. We just moved back to mainland in October. Keep your head up and being you. Your hair looks great

Shoots !!!

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 806
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #42 on: May 01, 2019, 07:51:00 AM »
Great to see an update from you Island, I was wondering how things were going for you.. Sorry about M, I'm sure that's not what you needed on top of everything else but just think of all the years you had her but your and your kids' side. Lovely memories that will keep her alive in your hearts..

As for your H.. Well, not a whole lot has changed there, has it? But there seems to be a change in you.. Don't get sucked back in, you know that will not help you. He really needs to work on himself but he will never do it for as long as he has his safety net (you)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #43 on: May 01, 2019, 11:52:55 AM »
Try not to feel bad she dies under the stairway, alone.
Animals face death so very differently than we do.   No pissing and moaning, no pity parties, it's just part of life.
Kind of like when a dog loses a leg.  They just run around on three legs like it never happened.  ::)

We could maybe learn some lessons from them, huh?
They accept things so much better than we do.

Thank you Thunder. M was a very proud cat and gorgeous too, fluffy with bright blue eyes. I called her my forever kitty because she stopped growing at about 6 months. She was tiny, everyone thought she was still a kitten. M never let her size define her. She thought she was as big as a tiger and would charge at big dogs.

Animals give such unconditional love. H once accused me of loving the cats more than him  ::). I just told him they know how to be loyal  ;)

Glad to hear from you island and I’m so sorry to hear about M. Loosing a pet is a very hard experience. Especially when children are involved.

Thank you Sachat. The girls cried off and on for a couple of days. They feel comfort that M is no longer suffering. We brought her ashes home in a little urn and the girls are glad that at least a piece of her is still with us.

Hi Island,

So sorry to hear About your pet. We just moved back to mainland in October. Keep your head up and being you. Your hair looks great

Shoots !!!

Why thank you F5. I still need to color it, but its getting warmer and having less hair to deal with helps. ;D

Were you living in HI? Its ridiculously expensive here. I've been looking at moving to the mainland for a while. Its hard because I love everything here. The people, the sun, the beach, the food  8) I just can't afford to move out on my own :-\

I'll look for your thread and catch up.

Great to see an update from you Island, I was wondering how things were going for you.. Sorry about M, I'm sure that's not what you needed on top of everything else but just think of all the years you had her but your and your kids' side. Lovely memories that will keep her alive in your hearts..

As for your H.. Well, not a whole lot has changed there, has it? But there seems to be a change in you.. Don't get sucked back in, you know that will not help you. He really needs to work on himself but he will never do it for as long as he has his safety net (you)

Thanks Oneday. Its so easy to get sucked in. I wanted to fix things so bad with before. Now I just keep seeing the same patterns, the same issues and no change. It's not getting any better, but not getting any worse. I don't want to stay stagnant in this marriage. Somethings gotta give so I guess that means its up to me. ::) 
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #44 on: May 01, 2019, 12:05:22 PM »
I'm so sorry about M too. She sounds like a rather lovely proud little creature who looked after her humans and I'm sure she would have preferred to go with grace and dignity as she did.

When does your son graduate? I ask bc it seems that your h is sometimes unable to control his anger to the point where your kids are now noticing and challenging it. That might become unsustainable if you have to do it for a very long time. From over here in the cheap seats, your h's response just sounds like more avoidance...he seems quite dedicated to staying in the same loop while waiting for someone to rescue him. What are your plans when/if you file, IG? And can you force him to leave if he refuses to do so? Are there other legal options other than divorce? Is your h willing at all to recognise that he needs professional help and to get it, regardless of what you do about your marriage?

We can all hear that your head is in a very different place. It is a sad strange place to be with a lot of mixed emotions but many of us, no matter how much we love them, reach a point where the price of a holding pattern is too high for us and/or our kids. There is nothing wrong with that; someone has to be the sane adult and parent.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #45 on: May 01, 2019, 03:45:31 PM »
When does your son graduate? I ask bc it seems that your h is sometimes unable to control his anger to the point where your kids are now noticing and challenging it. That might become unsustainable if you have to do it for a very long time. From over here in the cheap seats, your h's response just sounds like more avoidance...he seems quite dedicated to staying in the same loop while waiting for someone to rescue him. What are your plans when/if you file, IG? And can you force him to leave if he refuses to do so? Are there other legal options other than divorce? Is your h willing at all to recognise that he needs professional help and to get it, regardless of what you do about your marriage?

S18 graduates this month with not immediate plans to leave the nest so far. S18 has put his military plans on hold for a bit wanting to go on journey of self discovery of sorts. I'm ok with S18 taking a little time to figure things out. Its his life and I want him to be in control of it.

Our girls are very out spoken. They are polite, but will call anyone out on their behavior. Quite opposite from me actually. I was very surprised with D8 saying what she did on Easter as she is more like me in being observant then engaging.

So H's time is limited. I plan to visit the issue of filing in July after S18's graduation party and D4's birthday. H and I have discussed his living situation. I know not to believe what MLCr's say, but I do trust that H will leave without a fight when it comes time. H agreed he will go if I give him at least a 30 day notice. I hesitate to file a TRO or take legal action against H to remove him from our home, but if need be that may be the route I have to take.

H is frustratingly stubborn. He says he knows something is wrong, but refuses to get professional help. I do want him to be well regardless of our R. I still consider H the love of my life. It physically hurts to see him wallow at times. I can't take on H's pain and manifest it as my own. The only healthy thing I can do for me is to get space.

I have considered just separating. Having H leave and just live separate lives. Yet as much as H threatens to leave, he has yet to do so. Now H was pushing for D again. I have come to the point where I want to give it to him and he is backtracking. I have not changed my mind. I see no signs of true progress with H, not even a baby step in any positive direction. It has come to the point where I am living like he is not coming back, but I don't think I can truly do that being still tied to together in an empty marriage.

I have felt quite alone for a long time. Not quite the same as lonely, but a sad place to be when you're supposed to be in a partnership. I have expressed that to H. H said he is incapable of offering more. I have to respect that maybe that is all there is now and maybe that's all there will be with H.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2137
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #46 on: May 01, 2019, 06:22:06 PM »
I'm so sorry about M  Island.
It does sound as if your H is still just spinning. He's just lost.  Nothing you can do for him. You sound good though Island.  That's what matters. Keep it up.
My son graduates this month too. As of now, he's clueless what he's going to do, ha. Go figure.
Enjoy your time with S18. Have a good one Island.


Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #47 on: May 02, 2019, 03:36:07 AM »
Hi IG,

I am REALLY sorry about M... I have 2 urns at home, one from each of my dogs... STBXW had one from her dog and one from her cat but she pitched both of them when she moved...

As far as H goes... Same thing only different right? He pushes the D and then when you say "Let's go" he backtracks... You've been down this road before... It is MUCH like dealing with an addict - as long as they are enabled/protected from the full consequences of their action, what need do they have to get off the drug?  He will have some hard choices to make in the future but it sure sounds as if he is avoiding doing anything like THINKING about what he is doing and getting help... All words, no joy.....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #48 on: May 02, 2019, 12:41:53 PM »
Island, I am so sorry about losing your loyal furry companion, I've had my share of losing those and they it's never easy.
Your H still has no idea if he is coming or going and if you decide you are done, then you do you.
Your have tried everything and then some and there's only so much before anybody reaches a breaking point.

Do what is best for YOU
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #49 on: May 03, 2019, 05:32:07 AM »
Sorry about your furry baby, but glad you got to experience that love and companionship with her.

As for the MLCer..well only you know what is best for you and the kids. It is funny to think though that eventually the D we never wanted, is sometimes the D we end up chasing while they are then left stunned.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #50 on: May 03, 2019, 03:00:56 PM »
I'm so sorry about M  Island.
It does sound as if your H is still just spinning. He's just lost.  Nothing you can do for him. You sound good though Island.  That's what matters. Keep it up.
My son graduates this month too. As of now, he's clueless what he's going to do, ha. Go figure.
Enjoy your time with S18. Have a good one Island.

Thanks Helping. Pets are family and with M I was especially bonded to her. She came into my life when I really needed support. Like a little fur angel.  ;D

S18 stresses me out with his flip flopping about joining the military... then no mom I'm going to college... then no I'll just work a little and figure things out. I finally just let it go and said its your life don't be afraid to try different things. I won't lie, I secretly love that he'll be home a little longer.  ;)

Hi IG,

I am REALLY sorry about M... I have 2 urns at home, one from each of my dogs... STBXW had one from her dog and one from her cat but she pitched both of them when she moved...

As far as H goes... Same thing only different right? He pushes the D and then when you say "Let's go" he backtracks... You've been down this road before... It is MUCH like dealing with an addict - as long as they are enabled/protected from the full consequences of their action, what need do they have to get off the drug?  He will have some hard choices to make in the future but it sure sounds as if he is avoiding doing anything like THINKING about what he is doing and getting help... All words, no joy.....

Yup, he is void of any emotion. I see him smile and laugh, but it doesn't reach his eyes anymore. It must be hard going thru life just going thru the motions. I have so much planned right now. I joined a travel club. There are so many trips I am planning on taking next year. I can't wait.

Island, I am so sorry about losing your loyal furry companion, I've had my share of losing those and they it's never easy.
Your H still has no idea if he is coming or going and if you decide you are done, then you do you.
Your have tried everything and then some and there's only so much before anybody reaches a breaking point.

Do what is best for YOU

Thank you Schratz. I know that like anything in life my future R with H is not set in stone. It is a little freeing to get some sort of final closure. I know he's still spinning around, lost and confused. I just want him to get better and be in a better place.

Sorry about your furry baby, but glad you got to experience that love and companionship with her.

As for the MLCer..well only you know what is best for you and the kids. It is funny to think though that eventually the D we never wanted, is sometimes the D we end up chasing while they are then left stunned.

Thank you Morte. M left little paw prints on my heart.

It is amazing the look of pure abandonment that H gives me when I discuss the separation and D he wanted. I still am not comfortable with the idea of being D. I think its more of a loyalty stick for me. I still feel in a way disloyal for feeling ok with moving forward with a D. It is probably a feeling that will stick with me no matter what.

Update:
Today S18 has a baseball game on the outer island. We are trying to get in states and this is their last chance. It was too expensive for all of us to go so only H went up to support S. I really wanted to go so I could see my dad. :(

H has been contacting me non-stop. Its only noon right now and H has text and called over 50 times. Its all little stuff like 'look at my breakfast' 'look at the rental I got, its a convertible' 'look at the shirt I bought'  ::)

I was shocked that H called to tell me he was going to visit my dad. :o I was a little apprehensive because my dad knows everything that has happened and is currently going on with H. I had to call my dad to give him a heads up that H was swinging by. I have to say my dad is super cool 8) All he said was it was fine for H to come by and that no he wasn't going to say anything to him. My dad was like 'what's going on between you and H is between you two, but if want I can tell him he's a dumba$$ for even questioning a life with you.' I laughed and said 'No, dad I got this. I'm ok.'

H called to report that he was surprised that my dad was still so open to him. I told H that my dad does not take sides and that for the most part if I'm ok, my dad will be ok with you too. H didn't elaborate much more on what they talked about, but that is between the two of them.

I woke up a funk today. I guess wistful is the word that would be the closest to what I am feeling. Don't know where it came from, but I'm working through it.

Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Laugh or Cry

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 73
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #51 on: May 03, 2019, 03:23:05 PM »
Your husband sounds exhausting to deal with! It's fantastic that you haven't let that stop you from doing and planning new things, since whatever the end result is with him, you want to have your own full and active life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #52 on: May 03, 2019, 03:39:48 PM »
These MLCers are funny old things. Strange how he would even want to pop by to see your dad but very nice of him!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline bubbs16

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #53 on: May 03, 2019, 04:58:05 PM »
Sorry about your fur baby. They are our children. I have one with me and she means the world to me. She meant everything to the w before she was abducted by a alien, now she could care less about, her. She told me " she's old we have to say goodbye soon to her" you take her I don't want her.  I know she doesn't have much time left as she doesn't snt get around great anymore. I will love her and be with her till the end.

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #54 on: May 04, 2019, 06:11:48 AM »
So..only one of you could go...so he went...to see your dad?  :o

Were you okay with this? Would you have liked to go visit your dad?

Sorry just super confused on why YOU weren't the one who got to go?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3241
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #55 on: May 04, 2019, 09:56:04 AM »
I'm kind of with Morte. Would you  mind clarifying a couple of things for me, just because I don't understand. What was the reasoning that allowed your H to be the better choice when your father lives there? Can you explain why you prefer that your father be welcoming to your  H? I get not being a jerk to your H, but I don't understand any need to be "Sure man. Treat my D and by extension the kids like crap. I get that you're having a MLC, so we'll just be friends and you go ahead and continue to treat her like crap." Where is any boundary that says "Be a jerk, get consequences?"  Or is that something you don't believe in, either that there should not be consequences for poor behavior or that that its ok to treat someone porly aND have othe people accept that its ok to treat someone poorly. Or maybe your father is ok with what your H is doing? I'd really like to understand your perspective.

It's possible I won't understand,  but I'd like to try.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #56 on: May 05, 2019, 02:36:12 AM »
I'm on my phone so I'll try to quickly summarize why H went and I didn't... it was the most affordable option in having one parent go support S18. The school covers the expense for S18.

It was very last minute and I already committed to the girls that I would watch their performance at school. S18 understood and was happy to have H go.

As far as my dad, it wasn't what I would describe as being buddies with H. My dad understands that no matter what he says to H that it won't make much of a difference. Plus I'm stuck living with H for the foreseeable future, my dad does not want to further complicate things between us. Kind of not rocking the boat for me and his grandchildren.

I'll add that H was never supposed to go visit my dad. H just kinda surprised me by saying he wanted to see my dad.

I am also considerate of H in that he is the father of my kids. He will be a part of their lives forever. I don't see how it would be beneficial to them for my dad or any other family to treat H hostile.

I don't see it as me or my dad laying out the welcome wagon. More of my dad being gracious and rising above H's bullshizzle ;)
« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 03:00:11 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3241
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #57 on: May 05, 2019, 12:29:22 PM »
Thank you, IG. I definitely understand the "need to live with him for the foreseeable future" perspective. There is a large span between hostile and welcoming.. My sister's ex was always invited to his Ds birthday parties. I even invited him to Easter egg hunts at the bequest of my sister. (Whether he came or not was a different story). I was always polite, but if his D hadn't been there, he would not be welcome in my house. He chose to be a jerk and cheat on my sister, he doesnt get my conversation or company. So I can be not hostile, and still not welcoming. To this day it disturbs my sisters current husband that her ex was such bozo, but my mother would still have the ex paint her house and such. I completely get his point.

I appreciate your explaining your position.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #58 on: May 05, 2019, 09:42:13 PM »
Explain to me why I'm at the bar on Cinco de mayo with H  :o

S.O.S.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 09:54:18 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Laugh or Cry

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 73
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #59 on: May 05, 2019, 10:09:17 PM »
Is he fun to go to bars with? There's nothing wrong with a little bit of fun on Cinco de Mayo, if that's what you felt like doing!

I think that there can be a benefit to your dad being gracious to your husband. I know that my husband has expressed concern in the past that all of "my people" hate him, and for the record they do, of course, but that is one of the things that makes him hang back about reuniting with me, that he's going to be faced with this lineup of people who despise him.  It could work to your benefit for your husband to think that he would be graciously welcomed back into your family.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #60 on: May 06, 2019, 02:18:27 AM »
Explain to me why I'm at the bar on Cinco de mayo with H  :o

S.O.S.

We're coming!

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #61 on: May 06, 2019, 04:05:17 AM »
He can buy all the LBS a round of drinks.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #62 on: May 06, 2019, 12:08:48 PM »
Thanks UM... I survived  ;) And Morte, at the bar we were at there is a bell. If you ring it you have to buy everyone at the bar a round so let's round up all the LBS troops and ring that bell ;D

This weekend consisted of cleaning the house top to bottom and Saturday. I did the grocery shopping on Sunday and while struggling to push those giant carts at Costco got a much needed boost in the form of 5 handsome firemen ;) They graciously let me cut in line and we chit chatted a little about my enormous cart full of groceries and the never ending bottomless pit that is my kids stomachs ::). They offered to help me unload, but I declined. I should have took their offer, but pride and all.

I'm am paying for my Cinco de Mayo celebrations... 4 fishbowl sized margaritas with extra shots of tequila and 3 tall lilikoi soju drinks later. I keep forgetting I'm an old maid ::) Things got off on a rough start. H was being an a$$ and I told him to be more respectful in his tone when he speaks to me. He was talking down to me and I shut that sh!te down. Like reprimanding a toddler, H behaved perfectly after that. Of course there was the arm crossing and huffing and hawing. Eventually came the accidental bumps and playful touching ::)

At the end of the night I got a hug and H smelled my hair. I drank a little too much so H carried me to bed, I was happy to sleep downstairs on the couch I guess H felt otherwise. I felt H spoon with me for a moment and then off he went to the floor. This morning H left early as he has karma a root canal later this afternoon. H called too to chit chat about nothing and here I am on my second cup of coffee trying to summon the strength to actually do work.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #63 on: May 07, 2019, 05:52:24 PM »
Things keep getting weirder and weirder around here. H surprised us with a trip :o He said and I quote "I never do anything for you and have been very selfish throughout our whole relationship. I want to do something for you and the kids." Along with that were a lot of other remarks of uncertainty..."who knows what will happen to us?" "maybe we can reconnect there." "this is mainly for the kids...." "we need a chance to get away from everything to maybe find our way back to each other." "I don't know if we can get past everything." "I miss, I miss everything how it was before."

I'm all for going away. God knows I need a vacay and family time with the kids. I don't know what H wants from me. I am not taking anything he is saying seriously... well, because I've heard all of this before. I have no expectations that anything has changed and will change. I'm happy to just explore with the kids.

H has been talking about seeing a psych again and going on meds. I cautioned him to make informed choices, but that I was happy he was at least thinking about getting professional help. H said he was tired of being this way. I do take this with a grain of salt because they are just words. I hope he choses wisely as being on antidepressants kind of kick started this whole mess.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3079
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #64 on: May 07, 2019, 10:58:26 PM »
Yes Island, you have heard it all before unfortunately. He sounds like the guy who cried Wolf.
Just be careful, you obviously love each other, hes just a MLCer and doesnt know his arse from his elbow.
Be careful but enjoy that vacation with the kids, you all deserve it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #65 on: May 08, 2019, 12:27:23 AM »
Good Grief!

He really is

isn't he?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 806
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #66 on: May 08, 2019, 01:19:09 AM »
Maybe I'm getting a bit jaded but it sounds to me like he has really seen a change in you and now he's coming up with different tactics to pull you back in.. It doesn't mean you should say no but you should go on this vacation with your eyes wide open.
Sorry, I hate being this negative and I think you probably know this yourself but be careful and guard your heart!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #67 on: May 08, 2019, 02:43:03 AM »
Me and my H haven’t done any “family” things together for a fair few months. However, I’m not opposed to it Because to me the most important thing is, the kids see us getting on. I don’t argue with him period but I certainly won’t in front of the kids. If Clington wanted to go away with the kids I more than likely would because it’s important for the kids. I wouldn’t go away just me and him but with kids would be for them. Not him. Plus a free vacay you can’t knock it!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #68 on: May 08, 2019, 10:47:25 AM »
I don't mean to be the nay sayer here, but haven't you already been through all that several times over ? Every time he sees you are serious he pulls some crap and talks about all these changes and then over time it goes back to the same ole, same ole. To me personally, the first thing he should do before even planning vacations is to stop talking to OW. Period. She cannot be his friend. Ever.
Do what is best for you Island, but keep your heart guarded - he has played with it too many times before.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Penelope2018

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 93
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #69 on: May 08, 2019, 01:00:15 PM »
I also think it's just another game he's playing especially if he still has contact with OW. He can't be serious.
MLC XH - 42 currently
M - 34 currently
BD - July 2017
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
I moved out for four months
Moved back in for 8.5 months
Moved back out 12/2018 - practicing NC
Married - 15 Y
No kids

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #70 on: May 08, 2019, 04:28:50 PM »
TBH I don't think H knows which way is up anymore.

I'm with all the negative Nancy mentality when it comes to this trip. ;) I am taking it for what it is... a big old anchor check.

I honestly don't know if H is still speaking to OW. He seems to hate her with a passion every time he see's her or hears her name. He gets this disgusted look on his face ::) I haven't checked H's phone logs since January. The last time he tried to drunk text her was the end of November. She never responded. I called H out on it during our New Year blow up. H said OW told him to reach out anytime he felt like hurting himself.  ::) Ok whatever H.

I haven't been watching H too closely. So whether he is talking to OW or not, who knows. I don't think so because H isn't hiding with his phone all the time. No password protection. He could be deleting each convo or only has set hours to talk to OW. I'm not going to loose my mind over any of it though.

This trip I plan on doing activities with the kids. No one on one time with H. I think H is in for a rude awakening that its not all unicorn farts and rainbows between us during this trip. Sorry H, this trip is about the kids.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #71 on: May 09, 2019, 10:21:31 AM »
Loving your attitude Island


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #72 on: May 14, 2019, 05:03:25 PM »
The trip was amazing. The kids and I had so much fun doing things together. We ate everywhere and explored the island. The kids loved it.

H on the other hand was withdrawn. I could see him trying to be present, but he kept mainly to himself. Oddly enough he kept insisting on taking me out after the kids were in bed. I did go, but it was weird. Silent, mostly me talking about what I wanted to do the following day. H insisted on sleeping together and held me at night.

I don't know it was like H was grasping at straws trying to force himself to feel something... anything. Like he was trying to connect with me, but I wasn't reciprocating. (I mean after being told 'I don't love you that way' how else should I be around you H?)

I could see H's frustration building up. Our last day there H was moody and snapping at everyone. I was irritated and got a little too tipsy. I drank a whole bottle of rose and was pretty drunk by 9:30AM. H was upset that I wasn't paying attention to him and we mostly stayed silent to one another.

By the time we got the airport H was saying he wished he stayed home. I ignored him. The kids were being kids, restless and full of excitement still. I told H they were not being disruptive and to let them go. I guess H expected them to sit still and not move for 2 hours.  ???

Things exploded when we landed back home. H and D8 really had to use the restroom. Before we deplaned I told H "D8 will go with you to the restroom." We separated at the restroom and I took S18, D11, and D4 to baggage claim. About 10 minutes later H walks up WITHOUT D8! S18 said where's D8? H yelled I thought she was with you?!? I told H "YOU TOOK HER WITH YOU TO THE RESTROOM! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE HER?"

I guess H thought of his own selfish a$$ and he said I just went straight into the restroom. I said "D8 was right behind you!" I'm so lucky D8 is smart. She was upset, but still found someone to borrow their phone and called me. H was too busy yelling at TSA and the security guards because they would not let him go back to the gate. I stayed calm and asked D8 where she was. I then asked the TSA agent to get D8 and walk her down to baggage claim because D8 was too scared to move. I also asked D8 to find a customer service agent for the airline. She put them on the phone with me and they also escorted her down.

Then H began yelling at me saying it was my fault, what happened to being a family? I'm selfish. I only care about myself. I abandoned D8. :o I told H "take responsibility. you were too worried about your own needs that you totally neglected D8. I take the kids with me to the restroom and you know what I make sure I know where they are the whole time." H yelled "well this why we should D, we don't communicate anymore! and you make everything my fault. I bit my tongue all day about you getting drunk this morning. This whole trip was all about you. We really shouldn't be together." >:( I whispered "Really? You wanna go there in front of the kids. I'm not doing this with you." H shut up. I didn't talk to H all night after that.

At home H went off on a drive to 'cool' off. D8 apologized for ruining mother's day. I told her no, she was so brave and smart to remember what I told her if she ever got lost. I apologized to D8 if I did or said anything to make her feel like any of this was her fault. D8 said, "it wasn't you mommy, it was daddy. He was yelling at you. I didn't like him blaming you. I don't want to go anywhere again." I told D8 "What happened was not your fault. Mom and dad are responsible to look after you. I promise you that I won't let this happen again." D8 said ok and we went over what to do if we ever got separated again.

I then went to each kid and made sure they were ok. D4 said 'It was daddy's fault. He lost D8 cause when you take us to go potty you stay with us.' I laughed and said 'Let's not focus on who's fault it is right now. We found your sister and that is all that matters.' D4 then said 'ok, but its still daddy's fault.' I shook my head and left it alone with her. D11 just shrugged and played on her phone. S18 did the same.

Yesterday morning H as predicted, called all day about nothing at all. H kind of acted like nothing happened. He was being irritating and too nice. I just was blunt and short with my answers. Once I figured out each call was not important I stopped answering. Then came the texts. One word responses or no responses at all.

At home H was just there. Staring and listening to me while I was cooking and singing in the kitchen. I didn't realize he was home. H initiated small chitchat. I was neutral... not cold, but not warm in my responses either. I went to bed early without saying another word to H.

This morning was quiet from H. Which is nice because I am swamped at work with a project. Yesterday too, which is why I didn't have time to update. I gotta go back to work. I'll try to update more later.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3079
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #73 on: May 14, 2019, 11:28:50 PM »
Im sorry Island, your D8 Sounds awesome. You must be so proud of her.
Your H is still a total Tool if you ask me, maybe the trip was an effort to bond with you and he blew it big time.

Then H began yelling at me saying it was my fault, what happened to being a family? I'm selfish. I only care about myself. I abandoned D8. :o
 H yelled "well this why we should D, we don't communicate anymore! and you make everything my fault. I bit my tongue all day about you getting drunk this morning. This whole trip was all about you. We really shouldn't be together." >:(
If this isnt first class projection then I dont know what is. He just as well stand infront of a mirror when saying this $h!te!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #74 on: May 15, 2019, 01:03:47 AM »
Island,

I have a 2 questions for your H...
First:


and second:


I'm just shaking my head... WhyUs is right - Projection 101...

I suggest that next time, you grant his wish and have him stay at home...  You can go and have a good time while he pouts...

Major props for keeping a cool head despite a missing kid!  And that she knew what to do...  You've given me something to think about...
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 03:47:24 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #75 on: May 15, 2019, 03:44:35 AM »
Jesh I can only imagine the level of panic you felt in a crowded airport, with a lunatic mlcer, and minus a child.

That is literally the stuff of nightmares for a mom eh?

I am glad you taught your daughter what to do, and you found her safe and well. I always think I am a weirdo because I run through these things with my kids. I routinely ask them what to do if there is a fire, or an intruder, or if they get lost or approached by a stranger. I ask if they know my full name, their address, the name of the school...all the things they would need to know to ID themselves to a police officer etc. Some other parent may think it is ''too much'' at their age...but..it could save their life so F em.

Well done you for teaching this to her from a young age. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1321
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #76 on: May 15, 2019, 07:49:37 AM »
What a smart kid D8 is and so glad all ended well.
As far as MLC alien - maybe he should've just stayed home and others could have had a great time without his grumpiness. But then again maybe that's what he was afraid of - everyone just being fine without him. And how typical for him to now act as if he didn't scream at you in public in front of the kids - denial anybody - jeez.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #77 on: May 15, 2019, 10:21:49 AM »
Woweee. Well I’m glad you and the kids had s good time making memories. As for your MLCer. Firetrucking him! Although I’ve never really taught my kids any of the things you taught D8. I guesss now it’s time.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #78 on: May 15, 2019, 10:41:53 AM »
There is a reason why we expect so little from them.... ::)
He really isn't either use nor ornament right now is he as my gran used to say?  ???

But your D8 is obviously more grown up than your h right now...she sounds like a gem of a girl. And I'm glad that you and the kids got to enjoy some of the time away even with your toddler h's tantrums.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #79 on: May 16, 2019, 04:39:37 PM »
Im sorry Island, your D8 Sounds awesome. You must be so proud of her.
Your H is still a total Tool if you ask me, maybe the trip was an effort to bond with you and he blew it big time.

D8 has gotten over the whole airport drama. She said she can't wait to go on another trip.

I think it was H's 'test' to see if we could connect in some sort of way. He kept saying prior to the trip that "we'll see what happens" and "maybe all we need is to get away"  ::)

Yup he blew it big time.

Island,

I have a 2 questions for your H...
First:


and second:


I'm just shaking my head... WhyUs is right - Projection 101...

I suggest that next time, you grant his wish and have him stay at home...  You can go and have a good time while he pouts...

Major props for keeping a cool head despite a missing kid!  And that she knew what to do...  You've given me something to think about...

It takes a great deal of inner strength to keep H alive. Everyone fundraise my bail money just in case though  ;)

I don't know what age he is currently at right now. I think D4 has surpassed H on the maturity level.

I'm glad I drilled into D8 the safety plan. It was kind of a quirky foreshadowing that D8 was lagging behind us while we navigated thru the airport when we departing. S18 and D11 were teasing D8 that she better keep up or she'll end up like Kevin from Home Alone.

Jesh I can only imagine the level of panic you felt in a crowded airport, with a lunatic mlcer, and minus a child.

That is literally the stuff of nightmares for a mom eh?

I am glad you taught your daughter what to do, and you found her safe and well. I always think I am a weirdo because I run through these things with my kids. I routinely ask them what to do if there is a fire, or an intruder, or if they get lost or approached by a stranger. I ask if they know my full name, their address, the name of the school...all the things they would need to know to ID themselves to a police officer etc. Some other parent may think it is ''too much'' at their age...but..it could save their life so F em.

Well done you for teaching this to her from a young age. :)

I am one of those paranoid moms. I need to see or hear my kids at all times in public. I don't care what other parents think because I'm gonna make damn sure my kids are safe.

What a smart kid D8 is and so glad all ended well.
As far as MLC alien - maybe he should've just stayed home and others could have had a great time without his grumpiness. But then again maybe that's what he was afraid of - everyone just being fine without him. And how typical for him to now act as if he didn't scream at you in public in front of the kids - denial anybody - jeez.

Right?!? Its like H is a master rug sweeper for all of his issues. Screamed at you in public, lets just not discuss it and pretend everything is all roses. Even today he describes it as 'You know, when you were mad at me IG'  :o

Woweee. Well I’m glad you and the kids had s good time making memories. As for your MLCer. Firetrucking him! Although I’ve never really taught my kids any of the things you taught D8. I guesss now it’s time.

I watch too much Unsolved Mysteries and 48 hours. ::) Its just so easy for something to happen in the blink of an eye. Kids being kids will wander off or get separated from us. I'd rather they know what to do instead of being scared. I taught them from very young my first and last name. I started with our street and city instead of memorizing the whole address. Eventually I added my phone number.  I also pointed out who to ask for help, like a store worker or security guard or police man.

There is a reason why we expect so little from them.... ::)
He really isn't either use nor ornament right now is he as my gran used to say?  ???

My dad questioned what our R status was. I told my dad "H is like a weird piece of furniture that clashes with the décor that I'm still attached to and can't seem to get rid of." We just exist in the same space at the moment.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #80 on: May 17, 2019, 11:29:25 PM »
H went out with his coworkers tonight for one of their birthdays. He even sort of asked for permission  ??? I just shrugged. I'm more bothered that I'm stuck running around getting D11's food for her soccer potluck and a gift for her goodie bags. Along with S18's baseball potluck. It's like yea go have fun while I'm attending D4's parent teacher conference and dealing with S18's school who says he can't walk for graduation because he missed one day because he was sick even though I provided a note.
Plus the fact that H might not be able to attend S18'S graduation because a TRO due to H's altercation with one of the coaches. I'm on an assignment at work to clean up 2000 cases by July and still maintain my caseload and day to day work. My cars water hose went and I got stuck on the freeway during peak morning rush hour. (H acted as my knight in shining armor and rescued D4 and I.) But even with our friends discount I'm $300 poorer.  :( H dared  to say I'll buy you a new car IG ::)
 FML I've had enough at this point. Please sweet baby jesus I need a break.
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #81 on: May 17, 2019, 11:54:28 PM »
I know exactly what you mean. Being a mum is like spinning plates and unless you get a rest you start dropping them. Since H is out with his buddies could you not ask him to take the kids for a night and you go to a spa or w hotel or whatever. Just something to recharge yourself?
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7069
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #82 on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:56 AM »
Find a way to give yourself a break, Island, even if it means being creative or a bit less responsible maybe? How about taking a sick day off work, just one day, when the kids are at school and give yourself a small time out...go for a walk, go to the beach, go to a movie, sit with a coffee somewhere and just breathe for a moment. Take a day to go AWOL...just a day.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #83 on: May 21, 2019, 11:38:27 AM »
Thank you Treasur and Sachat... I just needed to vent. This past weekend was ok. I kept busy with the kids of course, but it was nice. They really open up to me and that feels good as a parent that they feel safe to share their feelings. I've always wanted that type of relationship with my mom, but its hard to share anything with her. I love my mom, but she does go 'victim' mode a lot so I just don't tell her anything.

In MLC related karma... one of our gamer friends (a couple) have split after 6 years of being a couple. H has met the guy in real life and we both have met the girl as we live pretty close by to one another. They are 35 and 37 so around the same age as H and I. Well the guy split after having an affair with his 21 year old coworker. H was the first to hear the news from our girl gamer friend. She said to H "He left. I found out about it 3 months ago. I'm so confused as he kept saying the whole time it meant nothing. Even pushing for marriage! I discovered he was still talking to her and planning on leaving me so I gave him a choice. He chose her."

When H told me at first he was a little apprehensive and said well maybe our gamer girl friend should tell me. Eventually H said that gamer guy left for another girl. H said "Guess how old she is? 21" I said, "Oh, sounds familiar." H turned 10 shades of red and began stuttering and changed the subject. I couldn't help myself.  8)

I talked to gamer girl friend last night. She reiterated everything and said its hard because of their D. This child is not gamer guys D, but he's raised her since she was 2 or 3. Gamer guy still comes around to visit their D, but had the audacity to bring OW. When gamer girl set a boundary that OW cannot come around, gamer guy said he's leaving OW in the truck but he can't come alone because OW does not trust him  ;D

Gamer guy gave up living in his own place with gamer girl to move into a room with OW at her parent's home. Has his phone monitored and can't go anywhere without OW because she can't trust him  ??? Gamer girl pointed out 'wow, you really traded down.' She's doing ok. Much less of a mess then I was at BD. She laughs at the absurdity of it all. Gamer guy complaining that he was unhappy and felt unloved, but did not say a word to gamer girl. Now he's trapped with a controlling 21 year old who currently has possession of his gonads.  ;D
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online Father5

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #84 on: May 21, 2019, 12:07:44 PM »
HI Island !,

   Yes a 21 year old for his age sounds crazy because it is. He can have all the jealousy and little girl behavior that comes with it. I lived in kailua for the past 3 years I miss the islands ! Hope you are doing well

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 788
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #85 on: May 22, 2019, 01:51:14 AM »
Oh I do love it when the karma bus hits them 🤣 nothing like a little truth dart. I’ve always wondered what they think when instead of it being there situation it’s someone else’s. Are they as appalled as the rest of us
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3079
  • Gender: Male
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #86 on: May 22, 2019, 03:50:54 AM »
Nice truth dart, right between the eyes  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2101
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #87 on: May 22, 2019, 08:04:57 AM »
Whelp mine fits the 21 (now 22 year old co worker mould too).  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 436
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #88 on: May 22, 2019, 04:29:11 PM »
Yes a 21 year old for his age sounds crazy because it is. He can have all the jealousy and little girl behavior that comes with it. I lived in kailua for the past 3 years I miss the islands ! Hope you are doing well

Hey F5, I think back when I was 21. I'd like to think I was more mature since I had S18 (who was around 5 at the time). I was still pretty emotionally immature though. H more so. So I can't imagine being with someone that young. I get a headache thinking about it.  ::)

I'm local, born and raised. I still contemplate leaving the rock and heading to the mainland. Its too expensive to afford rent here on my own :-\ But there's no place like here and I am torn in wanting my kids to be raised here.

Oh I do love it when the karma bus hits them 🤣 nothing like a little truth dart. I’ve always wondered what they think when instead of it being there situation it’s someone else’s. Are they as appalled as the rest of us

Oh, H is a judgy mcjudgy when it comes to others. Prior to BD H used to talk so much smack about men who would do that to their families. After BD, H still made remarks like "People just can't be trusted" or "there's no such thing as loyalty anymore"  :o H then usually gets a not so gentle reminder from me that he was that person too 8)

Nice truth dart, right between the eyes  ;D

Whyus its like H had a bullseye right on his forehead  ;D SMH, It was too easy.

Whelp mine fits the 21 (now 22 year old co worker mould too).  ::)

Ahhh, same. OW turned 22 this year. Is it some kind of secret club we don't know about? ???
Me: 34
H: 36
S18; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Offline Shelly7435

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 786
  • Gender: Female
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #89 on: May 22, 2019, 04:50:52 PM »
Love the truth darts. 🎯
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8238
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #90 on: Today at 01:01:05 AM »
When H told me at first he was a little apprehensive and said well maybe our gamer girl friend should tell me. Eventually H said that gamer guy left for another girl. H said "Guess how old she is? 21" I said, "Oh, sounds familiar." H turned 10 shades of red and began stuttering and changed the subject. I couldn't help myself.  8)



gamer guy said he's leaving OW in the truck but he can't come alone because OW does not trust him  ;D

Gee, IMAGINE that! She doesn't trust him... I wonder why? Oh, I don't know... Maybe because he's CHEATING with her?


Gamer guy gave up living in his own place with gamer girl to move into a room with OW at her parent's home. Has his phone monitored and can't go anywhere without OW because she can't trust him  ??? Gamer girl pointed out 'wow, you really traded down.' She's doing ok. Much less of a mess then I was at BD. She laughs at the absurdity of it all. Gamer guy complaining that he was unhappy and felt unloved, but did not say a word to gamer girl. Now he's trapped with a controlling 21 year old who currently has possession of his gonads.  ;D



No other words needed....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.