Author Topic: My Story Thank you, next?  (Read 4552 times)

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Thank you, next?
« on: February 28, 2019, 04:29:02 PM »
The great UM has spoken. It's new thread time.

Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10492.0;all
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #1 on: March 01, 2019, 02:01:42 AM »
Tagging Along :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #2 on: March 01, 2019, 03:52:11 AM »
Wheeeeeeeee!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2019, 02:58:36 PM »
When I left off in my last thread, I got roped into another fruitless convo with H. This weekend I asked H to give me space and he obliged. I gave H a quick reality check and said this weekend is about S17, please remember that. S17 is not S18. I admit I did cry :'( He's a man now. (still my baby though).

It turned out to be a nice weekend. S18 had baseball on Saturday and D11 had soccer at the same time. H and I split duties, him at one field and I at another. We didn't have much interaction during the day. H was very engaging when he got home and wouldn't stop talking my ear off about random little things.

H made an off comment like he doesn't care what is going on in other people's lives. He doesn't follow anyone on FB (meaning on his news feed), but he said 'I look at your page all the time Island. Doesn't that say something?' I told H, that I appreciate what he was saying, but that him stalking my FB is not communicating he cares to me. H said, 'He can't care about anyone except the kids now.' I told him its ok, if that is all he can focus on. H still remained friendly and talkative the rest of the day.

I spend Saturday watching Netflix and spooning with D4. Its all a little blurry, but later that night H was being playful and somehow we became intimate. H asked 'when was the last time we kissed Island?' I told him forever ago, but it was his choice. I won't kiss someone who doesn't want me to. H asked me if it was ok to kiss me and I think that's where it happened. Unlike last time, H was present while it was happening and I didn't feel like I was with some empty vessel or some pod person.

Sunday we took S18 to a local hibachi restaurant. The kids were being kids (specifically D8 & D11)...moody, wanting to go home and play games, there's nothing we eat here....blah blah blah. Only D4 was excited, she loves eating out and is always with me so she was the most behaved. Their mood quickly changed when the chef came out and began cooking in front of them. After that was laughs and 'oh everything is so delicious.' ::)

We all ate way too much and took home a lot of left overs. I felt like you had to roll me into the car, full. I decided to walk it off when we got home and H went on his own walk. After an hour by myself, I instantly felt better. H came home before me and gave me a little attitude, like 'what took you so long?' But I ignored him and took a shower. I spent the rest of the night relaxing with D4.

Turns out H wasn't feeling good and is sick, but instead of saying so, I'm supposed to just know. This morning H still met me at the auto mechanics to get my tires changed. He has been calling and texting me throughout the morning. I joked that he was checking in and H said 'yes I am.'

Trying to keep the calm energy going. Wish me luck.  8) 
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2019, 06:33:49 PM »
Today I did something for me. I chopped my mid-back length hair into a gorgeous lob (long bob). I was so afraid, but the hair stylist was so reassuring.
It was long overdue. H was sick and stayed home. D4 was also sick and I stayed home with her. I took the opportunity to finally cut my hair. I didn't ask H. I just told him to keep an eye on D4. H didn't grumble and also offered to wash the car at the wash. H also offered to eat lunch later.
I love my hair. At first H made a comment like 'oh, you cut it all off.' I almost said 'you don't like it?' But D4 beat me by saying 'You're hair is beautiful mommy.' H 'preferred' my hair long, but I don't  care either way and felt like a change. H quickly said it was nice. It looks like this, sorry for the large picture but im on my phone and can't figure out how to adjust it.



At lunch H complained that D4 kept asking for me and 'she doesn't care about me anymore, she just wants mommy.' I told H 'maybe if you spend time with her and did things she liked.' H just kept being an eeyore so I told him 'it's up to you to develop the relationship you want with her.'

H quickly shut up after that. I was more chatty then usual with H , but more so because I really felt so good after my haircut. It's amazing how an hour to myself helped me recharge and feel so light. I plan on going back to color my hair. Maybe go lighter. We'll see  8)
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 12:38:25 AM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 12:58:53 AM »
Can't see the picture but it sounds lovely. Funnily enough, I did much the same last year. Shortest my hair had ever been in 30 years and it took me a few weeks to get used to it when I looked in the mirror lol.

But yes. Island, sometimes those small acts of 'this is I want to be now' have a lot of oomph to them. For most of us, we do get to a point after accepting the limits of our control over stuff when we start hunting for things that make us feel stronger and more like ourselves. Usually while the MLCer runs around in circles throwing hand grenades lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2019, 02:55:00 AM »
Sounds like a plan, IG.

Ironically, I had an opposite experience this weekend. D8 has been glued to STBX like nobodies business for ages (mostly due to manipulation from STBX). She and S11 had Monday and Tuesday off from school and STBX couldn't take the days off so I did. D8 then decided that, instead of staying with me "just" Sunday and Monday nights (so she wouldn't have to get up early) , she was going to stay Saturday through Tuesday (Yesterday was the Shrove Tuesday Pancake Supper so we did that) ..... OK, they were with mom for a few hours on Suday while I was in church but other than that, they were with me.

S11 does that every 2nd week (4 nights) buut I haven't had D8 with me that long since we were skiing in January. STBXW was shocked when D said that she was "going to stay with Daddy Saturday, Sunday, Monday, AND Tuesday"  STBX said "But that is FOUR days!" D8 looked her dead int he eye and just said "I know."

So, where your Mr. Sadz is complaining that D4 is always wanting Mommy because he doesn't DO anything with her, my D8 is finally untying herself from STBXW's apron strings... and she had a good time!

It really IS up to the Mid-Lifer and the kids to establish their own R... And the fact he clammed up when you told him that he had to develop the R with her says that the truth dart (even unintended) hit the mark.... HE has to work on developing the R with anyone....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2019, 10:43:38 AM »
Shucks, I was updating from my phone and it showed the picture when I was previewing it. Let me try again. It looks like this, but I don't have the highlights yet.  :)



I still have it a little light on the ends from when I first colored my hair so adding highlights or something will be really cute. I normally would feel guilty about doing something for myself. I don't' think H intentionally did or said things to make me feel that way. I think I always put him first. So yeah, it feels good to think about me first. My kids will always come before me, but I was running a little on empty and if I can't recharge one way or another I have nothing to give them.

H's complaints about the kids not 'caring' about him is all self inflicted. They love him, but in the past two years its kind of like H expects them to put in the work. H complained that they don't talk to him or ignore him at home. I told him 'Well, do you ask about their day?' H's excuse is that they always say the same thing 'OK.' I told H that they will always just say 'OK' you still ask to show that you care.

I shouldn't have to explain to H how to be a parent, but I don't think H's parent's had that kind or relationship with him. All they focused on was sports. My mom was the same way with me, always too busy to be involved in my life. My dad is who I am closest with so I still have a very open relationship with him. I always felt that I never wanted my kids to feel unable to talk to me or feel that I was not listening. I guess that's why I make an extra effort to show them I'm interested in their life.

I don't know its like H forgot that our kids are growing up and part of that is being a teen. S18 is a typical teen, but pretty open to me and for certain things (i.e. girls) H. D11 drives me nuts with the attitude. We butt heads constantly. D8 is still my buddy and the best way to explain her is like a cuddly bear. D4 of course I am closest too, but that is due to her age and the fact that she always wants to be around me. They all are at different stages, but H expects them to remain how they were when they were younger and maintain the same interaction they did. But they are changing and growing. They need different things from us as parents.

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 10:44:47 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2019, 10:47:10 AM »
Hmmm - I saw this photo earlier but now its not there,  strange

Offline JoJoJo

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2019, 11:45:40 AM »

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.

When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2019, 12:10:10 PM »
Thanks JoJoJo, I am at the beginning of what looks like a reconnection between my H and my S.  I heard the same thing about marriage shouldn't be work.  My H was never involved with the nitty gritty of our kids' lives.  All of sudden, he is digging in with that stuff with our S (our D still won't talk to him).  It is nice to see that some of them do improve those relationships.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2019, 12:43:10 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2019, 12:49:21 PM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,

Hey Whyus, missed your comment. I was a big ball of tears leading up to S18's birthday. I can vividly recall the moment he was born and they placed him on my chest. I was 16 and freaking out, but as soon as I looked at S18 I knew I could do it. I could be a great mom to him. I would protect him and love him forever. Its funny I remember saying when he was younger that in x amount of years S18 will have graduated. Now that time is almost here. Its a strange mix of feelings to want to let them go, but hold on at the same time.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 12:52:14 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2019, 12:52:00 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

LOL its ok  ;) I follow along an a lot of other threads, including yours. I don't always comment, but love to absorb everyone's situation and of course offer virtual support. I was terrified of H leaving right after BD. Now not so much. I think it might be good for both of us. So we'll see. Thanks for following along.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 01:00:01 PM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2019, 02:58:14 AM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)

Jo,

I think that is script for many MLC'ers. I got that one too "If the R is work, there is something wrong..." Well... yeah, that is why you WORK at it...

IG,
Ironically, while STBX and I were together, I was the enforcer... She laid down the rules but I had to enforce them... She complained I wasn't involved in the kids lives but I was the one who went to all the parent meetings, I was the one who volunteered in their classes or Kindergarten, I was the one that got them up and out of bed, dressed and off to school/kindergarten. When she decided to leave, everyone assumed that the kids woudl stay with me because sshe was never a part of anything outside of the house... One of her Reasons du Jour for leaving was that I was "too strict with the kids." until they told MIL that they liked staying with Daddy because he is not as strict as Mama." That didn't go over well with STBX...

My IC also said that is is virtually ALWAYS easier for the enforcer to be fun and loving  than for the fun and loving one to have to become an enforcer... She said that the usual thing is for the enforcement to be WAY over the top and without reasons (sound familiar?)

I see that in my R with my kids.... I have my rules and those rules have consequences for breaking them... the consequences are always the same and they are always applied.... With STBX, sometimes the rules are enforeced, sometimes not. When they are, it might be 20 lashes with a wet noodle one time and the next time

so there is no consistency....

Better to be the stable, consistent, and loving parent with rules in my book...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2019, 04:51:25 PM »
I'm back to fill in the happenings from this past weekend. Friday I left work early to get some grocery shopping done. I wanted to start meal prepping again so I bought a whole lotta lettuce, spinach, kale, tomatoes... I'm doing the mason salad jar thing. I noticed how much I love grocery shopping now that I go without H. Its been almost a year of me doing it without him and only now I realize how I don't feel rushed or that I'm a burden because I'm taking time away from H's gaming or sports center.

Even when H went with me, he was useless. He didn't bother comparing prices or substituting something that wasn't available. If I didn't explicitly write the brand, size, or price he would be lost. I tried to show him what I do and I was by no means OCD about it. Just get it done was how I felt, but H always said 'I'll just push the cart'.

With the kids, everyone knows how shopping with kids are, it takes a little longer but I like to assign them with helping get stuff off the list. Let them see how I pick produce and let them weigh it. Have them figure out how much 2lbs of apples will cost. Let them pay for their treats. H never has the patience for that. I just think back on how it felt when I was a little kid, how important I felt when I got to do things like that. I just want them to feel that way too.

H came home with S18 and quickly said 'is it ok if I go out with my coworkers for a couple drinks.' I didn't want H to go out, but I felt stuck in that impossible situation that if I say no, I'm controlling. I just told H to do what he wanted. H asked 'are you alright?' I just nodded. I went to bed at 10:30 pm. H was still not home even though he said he would not be out late. I woke up at 2:30 am and H was no where to be found. I called, no answer. I texted, no answer. Then I got pissed. I called 4 times with no answer. I texted H, where the firetruck are you and who the firetruck are you with? I then texted we have responsibilities, S18 has to be at a school thing at 8am and you said you have to 'work' at 7 am. I told H I hope it was worth it goodbye.

H came home at 5:30 am. H woke me up and asked what my problem was. I told him that he was not sticking to our agreement and that I'm pissed because its not ok to disappear and act like a single man with no responsibilities. H apologized, but said he didn't want to come home. I said 'Fine, we can make that every night if you want. You don't have to ever come home then.' H said 'I said I'm sorry.' I told H 'You say you're sorry, but are you? I don't think so. You just want me to let it go. Do you know how triggering this is for me? I don't think you give a $h!t that I'm here while you do whatever you want.'

H said 'If you weren't ok with me not going out why didn't you say so?' I told H 'Because then I'm just a b!tch who won't let you have fun. You wanted to go out fine, but you are not responsible enough to say when. You got sh!t faced and disappeared. Just like when we were in our 20s. When are you going to grow up?' H just said 'I am sorry for making you worry. I was not with anyone. I left the bar at midnight and went to the beach to sleep. I didn't hear my phone or see your messages until this morning. What else do you want from me?' I told H 'Nothing. I don't want anything.'

After that I got up, put my big girl pants on and brushed off the whole interaction with H. Took S18 to his school thing, came home got D11 ready for her game. H met us at D11's game. Tried to make small chitchat with me. I ignored him. Luckily had the other mom's as a distraction. H slunk away early to get something to eat and I met H at S18's game after. I sat with one of the mom's there and had a good time talking story with her. After S18's game ended I left the field and didn't say a word to H.

At home H kept trying to talk to me. H was still giving me attitude so I just gave him one word answers and pretty much kept to myself. I felt like why are you trying to talk to me if you are going to cop an attitude with me the whole time? :o Its not cute, its annoying.

Surprisingly H invited me to go out for lunch on Sunday. I was kind of hesitant when giving my answer. H said 'Well if you don't want to then never mind.' I told H ok, if he wants me to come. H said 'I want you to come.' Lunch was ok. H tried to be chatty during the car ride, but I was busy texting my BFF A. I answered and acknowledged that I was listening to H. H was more curious who I was talking to. I don't play games, so I told H it was A. H then continued to be chatty during lunch.

H decided he needed 'alone' time and left us at home to go to the beach. I spent the afternoon meal prepping my mason jar salads. I grilled some chicken and steak. Got dinner ready and cleaned the kitchen. By the time I finished it was after 6 pm. H came home by then and was apprehensive in approaching me. H still gave off an attitude. Normally I would give it right back to him, but I realized it wasn't attitude rather H was being standoffish in anticipation of me picking a fight with him. Like he was preparing for a battle or something.

I decided to switch it up and took a soft gentle approach. Asking H how was his time at the beach. How was the weather...blah blah... small talk. H instantly softened. I allowed H to tell me about the rest of his day and then before H thought I was being too interested in his life, I told H I was going to shower and walked away. I left H to be and H decided to seek me out. I was in my room. H popped in and asked if he could join me on my game. I told him 'why didn't you just message me that instead of walking all the way upstairs?' H said 'I text you.' I heard my phone go off a minute ago, didn't look at it right away. Couldn't wait a minute for a response? ::)

I told H 'Up to you if you want to jump in.' H then asked me over the mic 'Everything ok with you? You seem distant.' I told H 'I'm good. Why?' H said 'I don't know. Just making sure.' Ummmm... ok then. H checked in on me during bed time. Asked again if I was alright... that I seemed cold... did you need another blanket. I told H I was ok. Thanks for checking. H lingered and then went to bed.  ???

This morning H actually said goodbye. Normally he's running out the door. I haven't really heard from him, but I've been busy and he said he will be busy too. I actually got work done today without interruptions.  8) I'll admit this weekend I was very weepy and sadz all over. I didn't let H see that though. I guess I just always feel left out by him. I felt lonely because he's here but not. I feel much better today, but those weepy cycles really do suck. At least they are getting farther and fewer in between.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2019, 05:37:19 AM »
Late to the party and just catching up, like the new hair look. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2019, 12:00:15 PM »
H said something last night. He asked to hold my hand. I obliged. H said it felt different, that everything between us was never going to be the same. I told H 'Yes. Things are different. Things will never be the same as before.' H said 'I'm mostly to blame for that.' I did not agree or disagree. After a moment of silence H continued 'I miss us from before.' I think I kind of sighed because H asked what was that supposed to mean.

I said 'H listen and listen hard and good. Things are forever changed and will never be how they were no matter how much we want it to be. But the thing about it is that change isn't always a bad thing. Its up to you to decide if how I have changed and how you have changed will be viewed, good or bad.' H got silent again, still holding my hand. I was not going to elaborate more because how I view H and his handling of blowing up our lives is completely opposite of how H see things. No matter how many times I try to get H to see from my point of view, he won't.

After that we went to bed. I allowed H to sleep next to me. Him on one side and I on the other. It is not up to be to have H lower his guard and break down his walls. I envision it as being me in a catapult, hurling myself at a wall and in the end I will be the one hurt in the process. I won't break myself apart anymore for H.

I do question, why blame the LBS? Why is there so much anger towards us? I know there are things that I contributed, but H never told me. I was too clingy. I never gave H space. I was really dependent on him. I do see that. I also did not tell H things that he did to push me away. I did not tell him the things he did that contributed to our strain in our R. When H mentions that we never fought before I remind him now that was because I didn't stand up for myself. I just let things slide. I gave into H to keep the peace. I don't want be that person anymore. I got resentful and checked out of our R for a little bit. Its sad that I don't think H even noticed. Or maybe he did because it was around that time H pushed really hard for us to make things official and get married.

I'm sorry for being all over the place, but that is the way my brain is at the moment. I recall when H brought up marriage. I felt sick. Like physically sick. I knew I loved H. I was still deeply in love with him and to some extent I know that it is still there, but currently shoved down so that I can detach. I think in the back of my mind, getting married would trap me. I saw how much it meant to H and agreed anyway. Against my own gut feeling. The two years we planned our wedding, I pushed through. The closer our wedding date got the more anxiety about it went away. 6 months prior to our wedding date I finally felt like I made the right decision. H started listening more and I thought our R was changing for the better.

I just wish I knew what happened. I wish I could pin point the how and why. I could drive myself crazy with the why. H doesn't even know why. His only answer was that he was not happy. That he was tired of being someone he was not. You know the whole 'You've always been too good for me Island.' I guess his 16 year act had me fooled. For 16 years prior to BD, it must have been exhausting H  ::) I know, I know, H has scrambled eggs for brains. It does not change how hurtful it is to hear that some one you care about feels like they would not be liked for being themselves. That I didn't love him for who he was, flaws and all.

I can see know that H held me on this impossible pedestal of being 'too good and pure.' That for 19 years now that by being myself and sticking to my morals (not to cheat, steal, lie...all that jazz) makes me Saint Island. The fact that I'm human and have flaws that I guess H was blind too up until BD, makes H feel like he's the one who's been bamboozled. I am not a saint. I am not all good and I am not all bad. I feel H has me on this impossible standard that I am doomed to fail no matter what I do. When I think about it too much I scream in my head "what the heck do you want from me?" and to echo H "no matter what I do, its not enough."



« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 12:25:27 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2019, 01:01:57 PM »
Wow so many similarities to what I have experienced.

Beast's token phrase that pissed me smooth off...and still does?

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2019, 01:50:52 PM »
Exactly Morte. Is it too hard to believe that someone could love you? The good and the bad? For all equals parts of you? In my mind love involves accepting both. Everything has to have an opposing side... no light without dark, no up without down, and so on. Why is it that MLCers are stuck thinking everything should be all sunshine and lollipops, rainbows nonsense. Like anytime things get hard they just give up. 'Its too hard to fix.' What's so hard about fixing something you firetrucked up H?

I'm not going to flog you or publicly shame you ala game of thrones... 'shame...shame...' (BTW I never watched GOT, but thanks memes for that reference). All I want is remorse, true remorse, something to show to me that more than words you do feel that. But I know that H cannot get beyond himself and out of his own head to do that. I get lots of guilt from him, but that is not the same thing. H's guilt makes me feel bad that I make him feel guilty. Again WTF.

Our H's are men children right now. Reverting back to rebellious teens. I'm getting tired of being the adulty-adult here.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline serenity

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2019, 02:03:18 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2019, 02:28:16 PM »
Thanks for making me laugh Morte,

My H actually said the same to me - that I was in love with the ‘idea’ of him!

So I imagined who he was for 24 years then! Silly me!

X

What does that even mean?  Did you ask him?  Such a drama llama! 

I get ‘ you’ll all be better off without me’ in agonised tones.  And I used to get a lot of other similar  stuff.  There’s just no answering it is there?

Offline hope2018

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2019, 02:58:14 PM »

''You weren't in love with me, you were in love with the IDEA of me''

What the firetruck does that even mean? The idea of you? Well I can assure you the idea of a every other weekend dad, pedalling about on his bike, or driving around his gfs toy car, eating skittles in a parking lot...is not the IDEA of a man for me. Moron.  >:(

Thank you Morte I needed this laugh!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline serenity

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2019, 03:00:12 PM »
I think it was all part of not knowing the ‘real’ him or the ‘new’ him!

He’d decided he’d changed for the better (ha ha) and I apparently only wanted the ‘old’ him which was exactly right. I wanted the version I’d married , not the teenage idiot that he’d turned into!

X

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2019, 03:01:52 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2019, 03:12:25 PM »
If I had been able to 'imagine' a husband for 20 years....much as I loved the one I had...I would have added a few extras. That's all I'm sayin....... ;)

 ;D ;D ;D Got me rolling over here Treasur!
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #28 on: March 15, 2019, 03:55:36 AM »
To true.

Fixed a few flaws, fluffed up the romance....Ahhh day dreamer.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #29 on: March 15, 2019, 04:13:36 AM »
Actually he was pretty good at the romance...a bit more exciting sex and some DIY skills would be fab though  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #30 on: March 15, 2019, 09:47:33 AM »
gowh that felt good. I’ve actually had time to sit and start catching up on things with a cup or tea. I know what you mean when you say your H expects the children to stay the same. Mine is the same. A few weeks ago he made a comment about D5 and how she’s grown in confidence. She used to be such a shy girl but since starting school she’s become so much more confident. And I replied “that’s what starting school does to you” and he said “I know but she was always so little and shy” yes H. Time moves on. People change. My H also struggles with the lack of relationship he has with the kids. He has them on Saturdays all day if he’s not working or from 6pm when he is. And when he has a full day with them instead of taking them park or something he takes them to a shop and spends a fortune on toys and then takes them home and lets them get  on with life.

I think the whole in love with the idea comes from us apparently seeing them as different to who they are. As opposed to seeing them warts and all.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #31 on: March 15, 2019, 02:48:42 PM »
Oh believe me I see every blemish!
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #32 on: March 16, 2019, 03:40:10 PM »
I'm tired of feeling not heard or understood. I keep hearing from H "I keep saying sorry and apologizing Island. What more do you want? What else is it going to be?" I keep saying "I don't want your apologies. I want you to understand me. Apologies are empty. Do you get how I feel? Do you understand my pain?"

H says he does, but then does or say something completely opposite that makes me think he doesn't. I've shutdown. I'm shutting H out. I have decided the love I have for H is not enough. I am filing for divorce. I am no longer standing.

I was on the fence where I am standing for a couple of months now. Last night's and this morning's interaction with H all but cemented it. I won't go into the details but it's all the same. I can't have feelings because they make H feel guilty. I can't keep stuffing everything down to accommodate H.

I do feel great empathy for H, but I realize any love is gone. Replaced with anger and resentment. I find myself wanting H to hurt. I want to punish him. I'm bordering on hatred towards H. Because after everything he has put me thru it's still my fault.

I'm done and will be taking a break for a bit. Thank you all for the love and support. Without your wonderful, gentle, and sometimes tough loving understanding I would have been more lost.

With love,
Island
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline in it

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #33 on: March 16, 2019, 04:11:54 PM »
It isn't your fault and when you understand this you will feel better
He wants you to sweep everything under the rug and him have no accountability. I'm sorry only goes so far.

He doesn't understand to some degree because he hasn't been through it. That's no excuse to ignore your pain.

Do what's best for you.

We're here if you need us.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #34 on: March 16, 2019, 08:50:27 PM »
Everything that init says.
We're here if you want us.
And love? Yes, it changes bc of this kind of experience, of course it does. Don't worry about that. The more you can detach your own life and happiness from his crisis, the less damage he can do to your spirit and you may find - as many of us do - that the love is surprisingly sticky but we just find a different way to use and feel it.
You are a fine young woman, island, and you will be ok. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #35 on: March 17, 2019, 12:46:48 AM »
Island,

There comes a time when the LBS says "Enough." and that is fine.

Your choice to end your stand is a personal one that each of us has to make on a regular basis. Please don't think that you are no longer welcome here because of this choice. Regardless, you'll be dealing with the fallout of his MLC for a while, even going through a D, so you may wish to keep Journaling that part of the journey as well.

As far as H goes, well, there is a FB meme that's been trending for a while that sums it up - "Sorry means nothing if the actions do not change."
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #36 on: March 17, 2019, 04:13:46 AM »
Regret (I'm sorry) leads a person to avoid punishment in the future.
 
The remorseful person will avoid doing the hurtful action again.

Take all the time you need, Island.  We'll be here if you need us.

{{Big Hug}}



A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2019, 02:46:00 AM »
UM - funnily enough I’ve seen and shared that meme myself! It’s very true.

Island - I think more often than not, unless you’ve been through a similar situation you can’t ever really know how that person feels. You can try to imagine it. But it’s never the same. I remember before D2 was born and I had friends who spent weeks and week in hospital and I always imagined how awful it would be. But it’s really nothing in comparison to how it actually feels to have a child be poorly and in hospital. It’s easy for people to say sorry but it’s exceptionally hard for people to really mean it. Another quote I love is “Actions always show why words mean nothing”
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2019, 01:26:40 PM »
Hello HS fam. It’s been over a month since I’ve been on. It seems as though a lot of things have been going on around here. I’ll need to devote sometime to catching up on threads.

I guess for me a lot of things have changed, but at the same time are still the same regarding H. Around the time I took my HS hiatus I told him I was filing for D. H asked I wait until S18 graduates. I agreed, we are sleeping in the same room, but H is on the floor. No physical contact. We don’t really see each other until the evening.

H still helps with the kids and has been trying to pull his head out of his a$$ engage with the kids more. He still comments that the kids seem closer to me. I don’t answer just give him the ??? look. Honestly its just reassurance H is looking for. Before I would say ‘no that’s not true’ and point out x,y,z ways that the kids love him. H just wants reassurance that he is loved. I do feel sadness that even with the unconditional love our kids give us H still feels the need for validation that they love him. On the flip side there are times it just feels like a juvenile competition on who is the favorite parent.  ::)

After the D convo, my kitty ‘M’ began to get sickly. I noticed she wasn’t eating much and began to lose weight. I found lumps on her stomach. She had breast cancer. Pretty advanced. I spent the next month giving her as much love and care possible. H broke down and cried. I never knew he felt that way towards her, being that he is not very keen on pets or animals in general. We’ve had her for 13 years.

M was there when I was struggling to get pregnant with D11. She literally fell from the sky into our yard. Our neighbors on the 3rd floor were notorious cat hoarders, M fell from the balcony or jumped… ::) I imagine living conditions weren’t ideal. I heard her meowing at our backdoor. As soon as I opened it M looked at me like ‘what took you so long’ and proceeded to walk in like she owned the place. She was so tiny and could fit in the palm of my hand. I bottle fed her, cleaned her of all the fleas by meticulously combing her fur every day, at night she slept on my neck. M became my baby.

At that time H began his affair with his then coworker. M was there to comfort me while my heart was broken. A year later H and I reconciled, and I immediately got pregnant with D11. M was there every step of the way of my pregnancy, purring on my belly, even trying to comfort me while I was in labor. She never left my side. As soon as we brought D11 home from the hospital, M was there making sure I was being a good mother to D. Whenever D11 would cry, M would immediately run to her and meow loudly until I came.

D11 grew up with M and M would let her dress her up and carry her around. They slept together every night. M on D11’s head. Eventually when D8 and D4 came along, M did the same things. I loved her so very much. She was the most devoted kitty I’ve ever met. It broke my heart to find her cold under the stairs. H held her and cried and cried.
M passed away on good Friday. She didn’t come out in the morning for breakfast like she normally did. I promised the girls we would have a beach day, so I didn’t look for her. I wish I did because during the time we were out and about I believe she lay in the closet under the stairs taking her last breaths. I didn’t want her to be alone. I wanted to comfort her the way she did me all those times. I do believe she didn’t want me to see her that way and as cats do she hid away.

What you aren’t told in your grief-stricken state is what to do with the body when all the pet clinics are closed, and this isn’t considered an emergency. Thanks to google I figured out. Morbid, but I put her in a cooler with ice so that way in the morning I could take her to the vet clinic for cremation. I had to have the talk with the girls about death and what will happen after. D4 asked if we’ll get her back alive after. Even in my sadness I joked no this is not pet semetary  ;).

BTW, cremation is expensive if you want your loved fur baby back $235 or $57 for communal and then they ‘dispose’ of the ashes. I wanted M back she is family. This led to a convo with H about finances, which for months H has said everything was separate. I told H I would pay for the cremation. H asked where I got all this extra money. I told H I took out a loan the previous week to consolidate all the credit card debt I racked up when he left. I was paying 24% interest on a lot of it, thru my bank it dropped to 7%. I was paying the minimum every month, in long run that’s a lot of interest I’m paying. I wanted a fresh start in a sense. H was upset that I didn’t ‘consult’ him prior to the loan. I told H “it didn’t affect you, so I didn’t think it was a convo we needed to have.” H said ‘ok, I understand, but it feels like your making plans and moving on without me.’

Easter, we took the kids to the beach and had an egg hunt. It started off lovely. The kids had fun. H and I were joking around and being friendly. Then things turned bad, fast. H started the R convo, which I tried to maneuver so it didn’t happen. Then came the financial talk about how I didn’t ask him permission first?!? I lost it at that point. I told H “Permission?!? Really? WTF. Who do you think you are? You don’t own me. I don’t have to ask your permission for anything. Especially my finances. Second, you wanted everything separate. On one hand you say you want out, but then do and say contradicting things. You can’t have it both ways. Yea, normally I would have had a convo with you prior to making a decision like that, but you are the one who chose to check out of our R.”

H then monstered a lot, brought out the big guns about everything wronged by him in our marriage. I ignored H and started packing up to go. H was worked up in frenzy at this point saying he never loved me and was only here for the kids. D8 stepped in and calmly told H, “can you just stop. You always do this.” H was taken aback and apologized to D8 that he says things he doesn’t mean. D8 said ‘you need to learn not to say things to hurt people because you’re hurting dad.’  8)

At home I ignored H. He reacted by throwing a tantrum like a 2-year-old and while unpacking the care began throwing things around. The girls were inside showering so luckily, they didn’t see him being a complete fool. S18 intervened and told H to leave and cool off, which he did. Of course, it wasn’t enough, H began posting on FB that I am fake, that I didn’t want to take his last name, that I was not proud to carry his name, that I had to be talked into taking his last name…blah blah. I responded to his post that he was being childish, and I don’t air my issues on FB. After that I deactivated FB and deleted the app from my phone.

H then asked if I deleted my comments and I told him no I deactivated FB. H weirdly begged me to not as he stalks looks at my pictures of us from before. I told him I don’t need that kind of abuse. H saw me removing all photos of him on my IG as that is all I have along with Twitter now. H asked why, and I told him I don’t need a constant reminder of him right now. I told H it hurts to look at us smiling and happy so I’m archiving it until I’m in a place that it doesn’t hurt so much. That unlike what he did I am not deleting years of our lives or pretending that it never happened because I was so happy back then. We were happy back then. I refuse to believe that all those years were a lie. H was silent then, eventually saying he will give me space and he was sorry for hurting me so much.

The next week was silent. We were able to co-parent. Go to S18’s games and sit next to one another. Talk and chit chat, but nothing of substance. H asked for help finding a dentist and the mother in me scheduled an appointment for him. Turns out his toothache that he’s had for a month will be a root canal. The same tooth he already had a root canal, but the previous dentist only did half and called it a day but billed us for a full one. It was 6 years ago, and the new dentist H just shook his head and said I have not idea what this other guy did, but it was done half a$$ed.
 
That brings us up to this past weekend. H surprised me with a hug and kiss and said he loves me but knows he’s not well and would rather we be apart as he is tired of hurting me. I told H that I was the most patient person and that I was giving him time, but lately it seems like its not enough. That there was no push to work on himself. That were just stuck in an endless cycle. I told H I can’t wait anymore. I went on to say it breaks my heart to do so because I love him and always will, but each time I try to piece my self back together there just little pieces that are lost forever. Like a broken mirror, you can glue it back together, but the edges never quite line up the same and you are left with visible cracks.

H was visible shaken and said I’ll always love you Island. I told H ‘I know.’ Since then H has wanted to go on lunch dates and hang. He is still checking in. Calling to say ‘Hi’. Telling me where he is, what he is doing, what he spent money on, what he ate for lunch. Little things that he used to do. I’m just sitting back. Not taking the bait. Being polite, but firm in keeping my distance.

I have come into the 2nd anniversary of BD (4/25/17). I didn’t even think about it. It was just another day. I didn’t realize BD was upon me until I saw my calendar and thought oh it was yesterday. 8) I still see OW pretty much every week at S18 games. She avoids me and runs every time she sees me. I’m getting to a place where I don’t care. H tries to paint her as a villain. I like to point out that he allowed it so… ::). I don’t check H’s phone records. I don’t stalk his FB. I don’t snoop his phone. I don’t get anxiety anymore about his phone whenever it rings, or a message comes thru.

I did want my marriage, but not now. Not as H is now. I almost got sucked in again with that hug and kiss. For a split second I saw a glimpse of H, old H. I think I’ve begun to accept that H is gone and is not coming back. I needed time to mourn that loss.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2019, 02:08:33 PM »
Hi Island,

Thanks for the update, I was wondering how you were doing. 
I don't have much to comment on, as your update sounds like not much has changed with your H.

I did however, want to tell you how very sorry I am about your beloved M.  It brought tears to me eyes.
It's hard to lose a pet after so many years, they become part of the family. I'm just glad you have such wonderful memories of how loving she was with your family.

Try not to feel bad she dies under the stairway, alone.
Animals face death so very differently than we do.   No pissing and moaning, no pity parties, it's just part of life.
Kind of like when a dog loses a leg.  They just run around on three legs like it never happened.  ::)

We could maybe learn some lessons from them, huh?
They accept things so much better than we do.

Hugs Island   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2019, 02:53:25 PM »
Glad to hear from you island and I’m so sorry to hear about M. Loosing a pet is a very hard experience. Especially when children are involved.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Father5

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2019, 09:20:38 PM »
Hi Island,

So sorry to hear About your pet. We just moved back to mainland in October. Keep your head up and being you. Your hair looks great

Shoots !!!
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #42 on: May 01, 2019, 07:51:00 AM »
Great to see an update from you Island, I was wondering how things were going for you.. Sorry about M, I'm sure that's not what you needed on top of everything else but just think of all the years you had her but your and your kids' side. Lovely memories that will keep her alive in your hearts..

As for your H.. Well, not a whole lot has changed there, has it? But there seems to be a change in you.. Don't get sucked back in, you know that will not help you. He really needs to work on himself but he will never do it for as long as he has his safety net (you)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #43 on: May 01, 2019, 11:52:55 AM »
Try not to feel bad she dies under the stairway, alone.
Animals face death so very differently than we do.   No pissing and moaning, no pity parties, it's just part of life.
Kind of like when a dog loses a leg.  They just run around on three legs like it never happened.  ::)

We could maybe learn some lessons from them, huh?
They accept things so much better than we do.

Thank you Thunder. M was a very proud cat and gorgeous too, fluffy with bright blue eyes. I called her my forever kitty because she stopped growing at about 6 months. She was tiny, everyone thought she was still a kitten. M never let her size define her. She thought she was as big as a tiger and would charge at big dogs.

Animals give such unconditional love. H once accused me of loving the cats more than him  ::). I just told him they know how to be loyal  ;)

Glad to hear from you island and I’m so sorry to hear about M. Loosing a pet is a very hard experience. Especially when children are involved.

Thank you Sachat. The girls cried off and on for a couple of days. They feel comfort that M is no longer suffering. We brought her ashes home in a little urn and the girls are glad that at least a piece of her is still with us.

Hi Island,

So sorry to hear About your pet. We just moved back to mainland in October. Keep your head up and being you. Your hair looks great

Shoots !!!

Why thank you F5. I still need to color it, but its getting warmer and having less hair to deal with helps. ;D

Were you living in HI? Its ridiculously expensive here. I've been looking at moving to the mainland for a while. Its hard because I love everything here. The people, the sun, the beach, the food  8) I just can't afford to move out on my own :-\

I'll look for your thread and catch up.

Great to see an update from you Island, I was wondering how things were going for you.. Sorry about M, I'm sure that's not what you needed on top of everything else but just think of all the years you had her but your and your kids' side. Lovely memories that will keep her alive in your hearts..

As for your H.. Well, not a whole lot has changed there, has it? But there seems to be a change in you.. Don't get sucked back in, you know that will not help you. He really needs to work on himself but he will never do it for as long as he has his safety net (you)

Thanks Oneday. Its so easy to get sucked in. I wanted to fix things so bad with before. Now I just keep seeing the same patterns, the same issues and no change. It's not getting any better, but not getting any worse. I don't want to stay stagnant in this marriage. Somethings gotta give so I guess that means its up to me. ::) 
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #44 on: May 01, 2019, 12:05:22 PM »
I'm so sorry about M too. She sounds like a rather lovely proud little creature who looked after her humans and I'm sure she would have preferred to go with grace and dignity as she did.

When does your son graduate? I ask bc it seems that your h is sometimes unable to control his anger to the point where your kids are now noticing and challenging it. That might become unsustainable if you have to do it for a very long time. From over here in the cheap seats, your h's response just sounds like more avoidance...he seems quite dedicated to staying in the same loop while waiting for someone to rescue him. What are your plans when/if you file, IG? And can you force him to leave if he refuses to do so? Are there other legal options other than divorce? Is your h willing at all to recognise that he needs professional help and to get it, regardless of what you do about your marriage?

We can all hear that your head is in a very different place. It is a sad strange place to be with a lot of mixed emotions but many of us, no matter how much we love them, reach a point where the price of a holding pattern is too high for us and/or our kids. There is nothing wrong with that; someone has to be the sane adult and parent.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #45 on: May 01, 2019, 03:45:31 PM »
When does your son graduate? I ask bc it seems that your h is sometimes unable to control his anger to the point where your kids are now noticing and challenging it. That might become unsustainable if you have to do it for a very long time. From over here in the cheap seats, your h's response just sounds like more avoidance...he seems quite dedicated to staying in the same loop while waiting for someone to rescue him. What are your plans when/if you file, IG? And can you force him to leave if he refuses to do so? Are there other legal options other than divorce? Is your h willing at all to recognise that he needs professional help and to get it, regardless of what you do about your marriage?

S18 graduates this month with not immediate plans to leave the nest so far. S18 has put his military plans on hold for a bit wanting to go on journey of self discovery of sorts. I'm ok with S18 taking a little time to figure things out. Its his life and I want him to be in control of it.

Our girls are very out spoken. They are polite, but will call anyone out on their behavior. Quite opposite from me actually. I was very surprised with D8 saying what she did on Easter as she is more like me in being observant then engaging.

So H's time is limited. I plan to visit the issue of filing in July after S18's graduation party and D4's birthday. H and I have discussed his living situation. I know not to believe what MLCr's say, but I do trust that H will leave without a fight when it comes time. H agreed he will go if I give him at least a 30 day notice. I hesitate to file a TRO or take legal action against H to remove him from our home, but if need be that may be the route I have to take.

H is frustratingly stubborn. He says he knows something is wrong, but refuses to get professional help. I do want him to be well regardless of our R. I still consider H the love of my life. It physically hurts to see him wallow at times. I can't take on H's pain and manifest it as my own. The only healthy thing I can do for me is to get space.

I have considered just separating. Having H leave and just live separate lives. Yet as much as H threatens to leave, he has yet to do so. Now H was pushing for D again. I have come to the point where I want to give it to him and he is backtracking. I have not changed my mind. I see no signs of true progress with H, not even a baby step in any positive direction. It has come to the point where I am living like he is not coming back, but I don't think I can truly do that being still tied to together in an empty marriage.

I have felt quite alone for a long time. Not quite the same as lonely, but a sad place to be when you're supposed to be in a partnership. I have expressed that to H. H said he is incapable of offering more. I have to respect that maybe that is all there is now and maybe that's all there will be with H.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #46 on: May 01, 2019, 06:22:06 PM »
I'm so sorry about M  Island.
It does sound as if your H is still just spinning. He's just lost.  Nothing you can do for him. You sound good though Island.  That's what matters. Keep it up.
My son graduates this month too. As of now, he's clueless what he's going to do, ha. Go figure.
Enjoy your time with S18. Have a good one Island.


Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #47 on: May 02, 2019, 03:36:07 AM »
Hi IG,

I am REALLY sorry about M... I have 2 urns at home, one from each of my dogs... STBXW had one from her dog and one from her cat but she pitched both of them when she moved...

As far as H goes... Same thing only different right? He pushes the D and then when you say "Let's go" he backtracks... You've been down this road before... It is MUCH like dealing with an addict - as long as they are enabled/protected from the full consequences of their action, what need do they have to get off the drug?  He will have some hard choices to make in the future but it sure sounds as if he is avoiding doing anything like THINKING about what he is doing and getting help... All words, no joy.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #48 on: May 02, 2019, 12:41:53 PM »
Island, I am so sorry about losing your loyal furry companion, I've had my share of losing those and they it's never easy.
Your H still has no idea if he is coming or going and if you decide you are done, then you do you.
Your have tried everything and then some and there's only so much before anybody reaches a breaking point.

Do what is best for YOU
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #49 on: May 03, 2019, 05:32:07 AM »
Sorry about your furry baby, but glad you got to experience that love and companionship with her.

As for the MLCer..well only you know what is best for you and the kids. It is funny to think though that eventually the D we never wanted, is sometimes the D we end up chasing while they are then left stunned.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #50 on: May 03, 2019, 03:00:56 PM »
I'm so sorry about M  Island.
It does sound as if your H is still just spinning. He's just lost.  Nothing you can do for him. You sound good though Island.  That's what matters. Keep it up.
My son graduates this month too. As of now, he's clueless what he's going to do, ha. Go figure.
Enjoy your time with S18. Have a good one Island.

Thanks Helping. Pets are family and with M I was especially bonded to her. She came into my life when I really needed support. Like a little fur angel.  ;D

S18 stresses me out with his flip flopping about joining the military... then no mom I'm going to college... then no I'll just work a little and figure things out. I finally just let it go and said its your life don't be afraid to try different things. I won't lie, I secretly love that he'll be home a little longer.  ;)

Hi IG,

I am REALLY sorry about M... I have 2 urns at home, one from each of my dogs... STBXW had one from her dog and one from her cat but she pitched both of them when she moved...

As far as H goes... Same thing only different right? He pushes the D and then when you say "Let's go" he backtracks... You've been down this road before... It is MUCH like dealing with an addict - as long as they are enabled/protected from the full consequences of their action, what need do they have to get off the drug?  He will have some hard choices to make in the future but it sure sounds as if he is avoiding doing anything like THINKING about what he is doing and getting help... All words, no joy.....

Yup, he is void of any emotion. I see him smile and laugh, but it doesn't reach his eyes anymore. It must be hard going thru life just going thru the motions. I have so much planned right now. I joined a travel club. There are so many trips I am planning on taking next year. I can't wait.

Island, I am so sorry about losing your loyal furry companion, I've had my share of losing those and they it's never easy.
Your H still has no idea if he is coming or going and if you decide you are done, then you do you.
Your have tried everything and then some and there's only so much before anybody reaches a breaking point.

Do what is best for YOU

Thank you Schratz. I know that like anything in life my future R with H is not set in stone. It is a little freeing to get some sort of final closure. I know he's still spinning around, lost and confused. I just want him to get better and be in a better place.

Sorry about your furry baby, but glad you got to experience that love and companionship with her.

As for the MLCer..well only you know what is best for you and the kids. It is funny to think though that eventually the D we never wanted, is sometimes the D we end up chasing while they are then left stunned.

Thank you Morte. M left little paw prints on my heart.

It is amazing the look of pure abandonment that H gives me when I discuss the separation and D he wanted. I still am not comfortable with the idea of being D. I think its more of a loyalty stick for me. I still feel in a way disloyal for feeling ok with moving forward with a D. It is probably a feeling that will stick with me no matter what.

Update:
Today S18 has a baseball game on the outer island. We are trying to get in states and this is their last chance. It was too expensive for all of us to go so only H went up to support S. I really wanted to go so I could see my dad. :(

H has been contacting me non-stop. Its only noon right now and H has text and called over 50 times. Its all little stuff like 'look at my breakfast' 'look at the rental I got, its a convertible' 'look at the shirt I bought'  ::)

I was shocked that H called to tell me he was going to visit my dad. :o I was a little apprehensive because my dad knows everything that has happened and is currently going on with H. I had to call my dad to give him a heads up that H was swinging by. I have to say my dad is super cool 8) All he said was it was fine for H to come by and that no he wasn't going to say anything to him. My dad was like 'what's going on between you and H is between you two, but if want I can tell him he's a dumba$$ for even questioning a life with you.' I laughed and said 'No, dad I got this. I'm ok.'

H called to report that he was surprised that my dad was still so open to him. I told H that my dad does not take sides and that for the most part if I'm ok, my dad will be ok with you too. H didn't elaborate much more on what they talked about, but that is between the two of them.

I woke up a funk today. I guess wistful is the word that would be the closest to what I am feeling. Don't know where it came from, but I'm working through it.

Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Just Laughing

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #51 on: May 03, 2019, 03:23:05 PM »
Your husband sounds exhausting to deal with! It's fantastic that you haven't let that stop you from doing and planning new things, since whatever the end result is with him, you want to have your own full and active life!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #52 on: May 03, 2019, 03:39:48 PM »
These MLCers are funny old things. Strange how he would even want to pop by to see your dad but very nice of him!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline bubbs16

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #53 on: May 03, 2019, 04:58:05 PM »
Sorry about your fur baby. They are our children. I have one with me and she means the world to me. She meant everything to the w before she was abducted by a alien, now she could care less about, her. She told me " she's old we have to say goodbye soon to her" you take her I don't want her.  I know she doesn't have much time left as she doesn't snt get around great anymore. I will love her and be with her till the end.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #54 on: May 04, 2019, 06:11:48 AM »
So..only one of you could go...so he went...to see your dad?  :o

Were you okay with this? Would you have liked to go visit your dad?

Sorry just super confused on why YOU weren't the one who got to go?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #55 on: May 04, 2019, 09:56:04 AM »
I'm kind of with Morte. Would you  mind clarifying a couple of things for me, just because I don't understand. What was the reasoning that allowed your H to be the better choice when your father lives there? Can you explain why you prefer that your father be welcoming to your  H? I get not being a jerk to your H, but I don't understand any need to be "Sure man. Treat my D and by extension the kids like crap. I get that you're having a MLC, so we'll just be friends and you go ahead and continue to treat her like crap." Where is any boundary that says "Be a jerk, get consequences?"  Or is that something you don't believe in, either that there should not be consequences for poor behavior or that that its ok to treat someone porly aND have othe people accept that its ok to treat someone poorly. Or maybe your father is ok with what your H is doing? I'd really like to understand your perspective.

It's possible I won't understand,  but I'd like to try.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #56 on: May 05, 2019, 02:36:12 AM »
I'm on my phone so I'll try to quickly summarize why H went and I didn't... it was the most affordable option in having one parent go support S18. The school covers the expense for S18.

It was very last minute and I already committed to the girls that I would watch their performance at school. S18 understood and was happy to have H go.

As far as my dad, it wasn't what I would describe as being buddies with H. My dad understands that no matter what he says to H that it won't make much of a difference. Plus I'm stuck living with H for the foreseeable future, my dad does not want to further complicate things between us. Kind of not rocking the boat for me and his grandchildren.

I'll add that H was never supposed to go visit my dad. H just kinda surprised me by saying he wanted to see my dad.

I am also considerate of H in that he is the father of my kids. He will be a part of their lives forever. I don't see how it would be beneficial to them for my dad or any other family to treat H hostile.

I don't see it as me or my dad laying out the welcome wagon. More of my dad being gracious and rising above H's bullshizzle ;)
« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 03:00:11 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #57 on: May 05, 2019, 12:29:22 PM »
Thank you, IG. I definitely understand the "need to live with him for the foreseeable future" perspective. There is a large span between hostile and welcoming.. My sister's ex was always invited to his Ds birthday parties. I even invited him to Easter egg hunts at the bequest of my sister. (Whether he came or not was a different story). I was always polite, but if his D hadn't been there, he would not be welcome in my house. He chose to be a jerk and cheat on my sister, he doesnt get my conversation or company. So I can be not hostile, and still not welcoming. To this day it disturbs my sisters current husband that her ex was such bozo, but my mother would still have the ex paint her house and such. I completely get his point.

I appreciate your explaining your position.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #58 on: May 05, 2019, 09:42:13 PM »
Explain to me why I'm at the bar on Cinco de mayo with H  :o

S.O.S.
« Last Edit: May 05, 2019, 09:54:18 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Just Laughing

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #59 on: May 05, 2019, 10:09:17 PM »
Is he fun to go to bars with? There's nothing wrong with a little bit of fun on Cinco de Mayo, if that's what you felt like doing!

I think that there can be a benefit to your dad being gracious to your husband. I know that my husband has expressed concern in the past that all of "my people" hate him, and for the record they do, of course, but that is one of the things that makes him hang back about reuniting with me, that he's going to be faced with this lineup of people who despise him.  It could work to your benefit for your husband to think that he would be graciously welcomed back into your family.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #60 on: May 06, 2019, 02:18:27 AM »
Explain to me why I'm at the bar on Cinco de mayo with H  :o

S.O.S.

We're coming!

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #61 on: May 06, 2019, 04:05:17 AM »
He can buy all the LBS a round of drinks.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #62 on: May 06, 2019, 12:08:48 PM »
Thanks UM... I survived  ;) And Morte, at the bar we were at there is a bell. If you ring it you have to buy everyone at the bar a round so let's round up all the LBS troops and ring that bell ;D

This weekend consisted of cleaning the house top to bottom and Saturday. I did the grocery shopping on Sunday and while struggling to push those giant carts at Costco got a much needed boost in the form of 5 handsome firemen ;) They graciously let me cut in line and we chit chatted a little about my enormous cart full of groceries and the never ending bottomless pit that is my kids stomachs ::). They offered to help me unload, but I declined. I should have took their offer, but pride and all.

I'm am paying for my Cinco de Mayo celebrations... 4 fishbowl sized margaritas with extra shots of tequila and 3 tall lilikoi soju drinks later. I keep forgetting I'm an old maid ::) Things got off on a rough start. H was being an a$$ and I told him to be more respectful in his tone when he speaks to me. He was talking down to me and I shut that sh!te down. Like reprimanding a toddler, H behaved perfectly after that. Of course there was the arm crossing and huffing and hawing. Eventually came the accidental bumps and playful touching ::)

At the end of the night I got a hug and H smelled my hair. I drank a little too much so H carried me to bed, I was happy to sleep downstairs on the couch I guess H felt otherwise. I felt H spoon with me for a moment and then off he went to the floor. This morning H left early as he has karma a root canal later this afternoon. H called too to chit chat about nothing and here I am on my second cup of coffee trying to summon the strength to actually do work.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #63 on: May 07, 2019, 05:52:24 PM »
Things keep getting weirder and weirder around here. H surprised us with a trip :o He said and I quote "I never do anything for you and have been very selfish throughout our whole relationship. I want to do something for you and the kids." Along with that were a lot of other remarks of uncertainty..."who knows what will happen to us?" "maybe we can reconnect there." "this is mainly for the kids...." "we need a chance to get away from everything to maybe find our way back to each other." "I don't know if we can get past everything." "I miss, I miss everything how it was before."

I'm all for going away. God knows I need a vacay and family time with the kids. I don't know what H wants from me. I am not taking anything he is saying seriously... well, because I've heard all of this before. I have no expectations that anything has changed and will change. I'm happy to just explore with the kids.

H has been talking about seeing a psych again and going on meds. I cautioned him to make informed choices, but that I was happy he was at least thinking about getting professional help. H said he was tired of being this way. I do take this with a grain of salt because they are just words. I hope he choses wisely as being on antidepressants kind of kick started this whole mess.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #64 on: May 07, 2019, 10:58:26 PM »
Yes Island, you have heard it all before unfortunately. He sounds like the guy who cried Wolf.
Just be careful, you obviously love each other, hes just a MLCer and doesnt know his arse from his elbow.
Be careful but enjoy that vacation with the kids, you all deserve it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #65 on: May 08, 2019, 12:27:23 AM »
Good Grief!

He really is

isn't he?
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #66 on: May 08, 2019, 01:19:09 AM »
Maybe I'm getting a bit jaded but it sounds to me like he has really seen a change in you and now he's coming up with different tactics to pull you back in.. It doesn't mean you should say no but you should go on this vacation with your eyes wide open.
Sorry, I hate being this negative and I think you probably know this yourself but be careful and guard your heart!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #67 on: May 08, 2019, 02:43:03 AM »
Me and my H haven’t done any “family” things together for a fair few months. However, I’m not opposed to it Because to me the most important thing is, the kids see us getting on. I don’t argue with him period but I certainly won’t in front of the kids. If Clington wanted to go away with the kids I more than likely would because it’s important for the kids. I wouldn’t go away just me and him but with kids would be for them. Not him. Plus a free vacay you can’t knock it!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #68 on: May 08, 2019, 10:47:25 AM »
I don't mean to be the nay sayer here, but haven't you already been through all that several times over ? Every time he sees you are serious he pulls some crap and talks about all these changes and then over time it goes back to the same ole, same ole. To me personally, the first thing he should do before even planning vacations is to stop talking to OW. Period. She cannot be his friend. Ever.
Do what is best for you Island, but keep your heart guarded - he has played with it too many times before.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Penelope2018

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #69 on: May 08, 2019, 01:00:15 PM »
I also think it's just another game he's playing especially if he still has contact with OW. He can't be serious.
MLC XH - 42 currently
M - 34 currently
Mini BD - Feb 2017  - Doesn't want to be married to a "sad" person.
Angry b/c I was depressed from my Grandmother's death in 12/16
BD - July 2017 - spent the previous 3 months in his home country with OW
OW discovered Aug 2017
EA started Dec 2016? PA start unsure
Filed for D - Aug 2017
D - Nov 2017
I moved out for four months
Moved back in for 8.5 months
Moved back out 12/2018 - practicing NC
Married - 15 Y
No kids

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #70 on: May 08, 2019, 04:28:50 PM »
TBH I don't think H knows which way is up anymore.

I'm with all the negative Nancy mentality when it comes to this trip. ;) I am taking it for what it is... a big old anchor check.

I honestly don't know if H is still speaking to OW. He seems to hate her with a passion every time he see's her or hears her name. He gets this disgusted look on his face ::) I haven't checked H's phone logs since January. The last time he tried to drunk text her was the end of November. She never responded. I called H out on it during our New Year blow up. H said OW told him to reach out anytime he felt like hurting himself.  ::) Ok whatever H.

I haven't been watching H too closely. So whether he is talking to OW or not, who knows. I don't think so because H isn't hiding with his phone all the time. No password protection. He could be deleting each convo or only has set hours to talk to OW. I'm not going to loose my mind over any of it though.

This trip I plan on doing activities with the kids. No one on one time with H. I think H is in for a rude awakening that its not all unicorn farts and rainbows between us during this trip. Sorry H, this trip is about the kids.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #71 on: May 09, 2019, 10:21:31 AM »
Loving your attitude Island


Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #72 on: May 14, 2019, 05:03:25 PM »
The trip was amazing. The kids and I had so much fun doing things together. We ate everywhere and explored the island. The kids loved it.

H on the other hand was withdrawn. I could see him trying to be present, but he kept mainly to himself. Oddly enough he kept insisting on taking me out after the kids were in bed. I did go, but it was weird. Silent, mostly me talking about what I wanted to do the following day. H insisted on sleeping together and held me at night.

I don't know it was like H was grasping at straws trying to force himself to feel something... anything. Like he was trying to connect with me, but I wasn't reciprocating. (I mean after being told 'I don't love you that way' how else should I be around you H?)

I could see H's frustration building up. Our last day there H was moody and snapping at everyone. I was irritated and got a little too tipsy. I drank a whole bottle of rose and was pretty drunk by 9:30AM. H was upset that I wasn't paying attention to him and we mostly stayed silent to one another.

By the time we got the airport H was saying he wished he stayed home. I ignored him. The kids were being kids, restless and full of excitement still. I told H they were not being disruptive and to let them go. I guess H expected them to sit still and not move for 2 hours.  ???

Things exploded when we landed back home. H and D8 really had to use the restroom. Before we deplaned I told H "D8 will go with you to the restroom." We separated at the restroom and I took S18, D11, and D4 to baggage claim. About 10 minutes later H walks up WITHOUT D8! S18 said where's D8? H yelled I thought she was with you?!? I told H "YOU TOOK HER WITH YOU TO THE RESTROOM! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE HER?"

I guess H thought of his own selfish a$$ and he said I just went straight into the restroom. I said "D8 was right behind you!" I'm so lucky D8 is smart. She was upset, but still found someone to borrow their phone and called me. H was too busy yelling at TSA and the security guards because they would not let him go back to the gate. I stayed calm and asked D8 where she was. I then asked the TSA agent to get D8 and walk her down to baggage claim because D8 was too scared to move. I also asked D8 to find a customer service agent for the airline. She put them on the phone with me and they also escorted her down.

Then H began yelling at me saying it was my fault, what happened to being a family? I'm selfish. I only care about myself. I abandoned D8. :o I told H "take responsibility. you were too worried about your own needs that you totally neglected D8. I take the kids with me to the restroom and you know what I make sure I know where they are the whole time." H yelled "well this why we should D, we don't communicate anymore! and you make everything my fault. I bit my tongue all day about you getting drunk this morning. This whole trip was all about you. We really shouldn't be together." >:( I whispered "Really? You wanna go there in front of the kids. I'm not doing this with you." H shut up. I didn't talk to H all night after that.

At home H went off on a drive to 'cool' off. D8 apologized for ruining mother's day. I told her no, she was so brave and smart to remember what I told her if she ever got lost. I apologized to D8 if I did or said anything to make her feel like any of this was her fault. D8 said, "it wasn't you mommy, it was daddy. He was yelling at you. I didn't like him blaming you. I don't want to go anywhere again." I told D8 "What happened was not your fault. Mom and dad are responsible to look after you. I promise you that I won't let this happen again." D8 said ok and we went over what to do if we ever got separated again.

I then went to each kid and made sure they were ok. D4 said 'It was daddy's fault. He lost D8 cause when you take us to go potty you stay with us.' I laughed and said 'Let's not focus on who's fault it is right now. We found your sister and that is all that matters.' D4 then said 'ok, but its still daddy's fault.' I shook my head and left it alone with her. D11 just shrugged and played on her phone. S18 did the same.

Yesterday morning H as predicted, called all day about nothing at all. H kind of acted like nothing happened. He was being irritating and too nice. I just was blunt and short with my answers. Once I figured out each call was not important I stopped answering. Then came the texts. One word responses or no responses at all.

At home H was just there. Staring and listening to me while I was cooking and singing in the kitchen. I didn't realize he was home. H initiated small chitchat. I was neutral... not cold, but not warm in my responses either. I went to bed early without saying another word to H.

This morning was quiet from H. Which is nice because I am swamped at work with a project. Yesterday too, which is why I didn't have time to update. I gotta go back to work. I'll try to update more later.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #73 on: May 14, 2019, 11:28:50 PM »
Im sorry Island, your D8 Sounds awesome. You must be so proud of her.
Your H is still a total Tool if you ask me, maybe the trip was an effort to bond with you and he blew it big time.

Then H began yelling at me saying it was my fault, what happened to being a family? I'm selfish. I only care about myself. I abandoned D8. :o
 H yelled "well this why we should D, we don't communicate anymore! and you make everything my fault. I bit my tongue all day about you getting drunk this morning. This whole trip was all about you. We really shouldn't be together." >:(
If this isnt first class projection then I dont know what is. He just as well stand infront of a mirror when saying this $h!te!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #74 on: May 15, 2019, 01:03:47 AM »
Island,

I have a 2 questions for your H...
First:


and second:


I'm just shaking my head... WhyUs is right - Projection 101...

I suggest that next time, you grant his wish and have him stay at home...  You can go and have a good time while he pouts...

Major props for keeping a cool head despite a missing kid!  And that she knew what to do...  You've given me something to think about...
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 03:47:24 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #75 on: May 15, 2019, 03:44:35 AM »
Jesh I can only imagine the level of panic you felt in a crowded airport, with a lunatic mlcer, and minus a child.

That is literally the stuff of nightmares for a mom eh?

I am glad you taught your daughter what to do, and you found her safe and well. I always think I am a weirdo because I run through these things with my kids. I routinely ask them what to do if there is a fire, or an intruder, or if they get lost or approached by a stranger. I ask if they know my full name, their address, the name of the school...all the things they would need to know to ID themselves to a police officer etc. Some other parent may think it is ''too much'' at their age...but..it could save their life so F em.

Well done you for teaching this to her from a young age. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #76 on: May 15, 2019, 07:49:37 AM »
What a smart kid D8 is and so glad all ended well.
As far as MLC alien - maybe he should've just stayed home and others could have had a great time without his grumpiness. But then again maybe that's what he was afraid of - everyone just being fine without him. And how typical for him to now act as if he didn't scream at you in public in front of the kids - denial anybody - jeez.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #77 on: May 15, 2019, 10:21:49 AM »
Woweee. Well I’m glad you and the kids had s good time making memories. As for your MLCer. Firetrucking him! Although I’ve never really taught my kids any of the things you taught D8. I guesss now it’s time.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #78 on: May 15, 2019, 10:41:53 AM »
There is a reason why we expect so little from them.... ::)
He really isn't either use nor ornament right now is he as my gran used to say?  ???

But your D8 is obviously more grown up than your h right now...she sounds like a gem of a girl. And I'm glad that you and the kids got to enjoy some of the time away even with your toddler h's tantrums.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #79 on: May 16, 2019, 04:39:37 PM »
Im sorry Island, your D8 Sounds awesome. You must be so proud of her.
Your H is still a total Tool if you ask me, maybe the trip was an effort to bond with you and he blew it big time.

D8 has gotten over the whole airport drama. She said she can't wait to go on another trip.

I think it was H's 'test' to see if we could connect in some sort of way. He kept saying prior to the trip that "we'll see what happens" and "maybe all we need is to get away"  ::)

Yup he blew it big time.

Island,

I have a 2 questions for your H...
First:


and second:


I'm just shaking my head... WhyUs is right - Projection 101...

I suggest that next time, you grant his wish and have him stay at home...  You can go and have a good time while he pouts...

Major props for keeping a cool head despite a missing kid!  And that she knew what to do...  You've given me something to think about...

It takes a great deal of inner strength to keep H alive. Everyone fundraise my bail money just in case though  ;)

I don't know what age he is currently at right now. I think D4 has surpassed H on the maturity level.

I'm glad I drilled into D8 the safety plan. It was kind of a quirky foreshadowing that D8 was lagging behind us while we navigated thru the airport when we departing. S18 and D11 were teasing D8 that she better keep up or she'll end up like Kevin from Home Alone.

Jesh I can only imagine the level of panic you felt in a crowded airport, with a lunatic mlcer, and minus a child.

That is literally the stuff of nightmares for a mom eh?

I am glad you taught your daughter what to do, and you found her safe and well. I always think I am a weirdo because I run through these things with my kids. I routinely ask them what to do if there is a fire, or an intruder, or if they get lost or approached by a stranger. I ask if they know my full name, their address, the name of the school...all the things they would need to know to ID themselves to a police officer etc. Some other parent may think it is ''too much'' at their age...but..it could save their life so F em.

Well done you for teaching this to her from a young age. :)

I am one of those paranoid moms. I need to see or hear my kids at all times in public. I don't care what other parents think because I'm gonna make damn sure my kids are safe.

What a smart kid D8 is and so glad all ended well.
As far as MLC alien - maybe he should've just stayed home and others could have had a great time without his grumpiness. But then again maybe that's what he was afraid of - everyone just being fine without him. And how typical for him to now act as if he didn't scream at you in public in front of the kids - denial anybody - jeez.

Right?!? Its like H is a master rug sweeper for all of his issues. Screamed at you in public, lets just not discuss it and pretend everything is all roses. Even today he describes it as 'You know, when you were mad at me IG'  :o

Woweee. Well I’m glad you and the kids had s good time making memories. As for your MLCer. Firetrucking him! Although I’ve never really taught my kids any of the things you taught D8. I guesss now it’s time.

I watch too much Unsolved Mysteries and 48 hours. ::) Its just so easy for something to happen in the blink of an eye. Kids being kids will wander off or get separated from us. I'd rather they know what to do instead of being scared. I taught them from very young my first and last name. I started with our street and city instead of memorizing the whole address. Eventually I added my phone number.  I also pointed out who to ask for help, like a store worker or security guard or police man.

There is a reason why we expect so little from them.... ::)
He really isn't either use nor ornament right now is he as my gran used to say?  ???

My dad questioned what our R status was. I told my dad "H is like a weird piece of furniture that clashes with the décor that I'm still attached to and can't seem to get rid of." We just exist in the same space at the moment.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #80 on: May 17, 2019, 11:29:25 PM »
H went out with his coworkers tonight for one of their birthdays. He even sort of asked for permission  ??? I just shrugged. I'm more bothered that I'm stuck running around getting D11's food for her soccer potluck and a gift for her goodie bags. Along with S18's baseball potluck. It's like yea go have fun while I'm attending D4's parent teacher conference and dealing with S18's school who says he can't walk for graduation because he missed one day because he was sick even though I provided a note.
Plus the fact that H might not be able to attend S18'S graduation because a TRO due to H's altercation with one of the coaches. I'm on an assignment at work to clean up 2000 cases by July and still maintain my caseload and day to day work. My cars water hose went and I got stuck on the freeway during peak morning rush hour. (H acted as my knight in shining armor and rescued D4 and I.) But even with our friends discount I'm $300 poorer.  :( H dared  to say I'll buy you a new car IG ::)
 FML I've had enough at this point. Please sweet baby jesus I need a break.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #81 on: May 17, 2019, 11:54:28 PM »
I know exactly what you mean. Being a mum is like spinning plates and unless you get a rest you start dropping them. Since H is out with his buddies could you not ask him to take the kids for a night and you go to a spa or w hotel or whatever. Just something to recharge yourself?
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #82 on: May 18, 2019, 12:26:56 AM »
Find a way to give yourself a break, Island, even if it means being creative or a bit less responsible maybe? How about taking a sick day off work, just one day, when the kids are at school and give yourself a small time out...go for a walk, go to the beach, go to a movie, sit with a coffee somewhere and just breathe for a moment. Take a day to go AWOL...just a day.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #83 on: May 21, 2019, 11:38:27 AM »
Thank you Treasur and Sachat... I just needed to vent. This past weekend was ok. I kept busy with the kids of course, but it was nice. They really open up to me and that feels good as a parent that they feel safe to share their feelings. I've always wanted that type of relationship with my mom, but its hard to share anything with her. I love my mom, but she does go 'victim' mode a lot so I just don't tell her anything.

In MLC related karma... one of our gamer friends (a couple) have split after 6 years of being a couple. H has met the guy in real life and we both have met the girl as we live pretty close by to one another. They are 35 and 37 so around the same age as H and I. Well the guy split after having an affair with his 21 year old coworker. H was the first to hear the news from our girl gamer friend. She said to H "He left. I found out about it 3 months ago. I'm so confused as he kept saying the whole time it meant nothing. Even pushing for marriage! I discovered he was still talking to her and planning on leaving me so I gave him a choice. He chose her."

When H told me at first he was a little apprehensive and said well maybe our gamer girl friend should tell me. Eventually H said that gamer guy left for another girl. H said "Guess how old she is? 21" I said, "Oh, sounds familiar." H turned 10 shades of red and began stuttering and changed the subject. I couldn't help myself.  8)

I talked to gamer girl friend last night. She reiterated everything and said its hard because of their D. This child is not gamer guys D, but he's raised her since she was 2 or 3. Gamer guy still comes around to visit their D, but had the audacity to bring OW. When gamer girl set a boundary that OW cannot come around, gamer guy said he's leaving OW in the truck but he can't come alone because OW does not trust him  ;D

Gamer guy gave up living in his own place with gamer girl to move into a room with OW at her parent's home. Has his phone monitored and can't go anywhere without OW because she can't trust him  ??? Gamer girl pointed out 'wow, you really traded down.' She's doing ok. Much less of a mess then I was at BD. She laughs at the absurdity of it all. Gamer guy complaining that he was unhappy and felt unloved, but did not say a word to gamer girl. Now he's trapped with a controlling 21 year old who currently has possession of his gonads.  ;D
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Online Father5

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #84 on: May 21, 2019, 12:07:44 PM »
HI Island !,

   Yes a 21 year old for his age sounds crazy because it is. He can have all the jealousy and little girl behavior that comes with it. I lived in kailua for the past 3 years I miss the islands ! Hope you are doing well
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #85 on: May 22, 2019, 01:51:14 AM »
Oh I do love it when the karma bus hits them 🤣 nothing like a little truth dart. I’ve always wondered what they think when instead of it being there situation it’s someone else’s. Are they as appalled as the rest of us
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #86 on: May 22, 2019, 03:50:54 AM »
Nice truth dart, right between the eyes  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #87 on: May 22, 2019, 08:04:57 AM »
Whelp mine fits the 21 (now 22 year old co worker mould too).  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #88 on: May 22, 2019, 04:29:11 PM »
Yes a 21 year old for his age sounds crazy because it is. He can have all the jealousy and little girl behavior that comes with it. I lived in kailua for the past 3 years I miss the islands ! Hope you are doing well

Hey F5, I think back when I was 21. I'd like to think I was more mature since I had S18 (who was around 5 at the time). I was still pretty emotionally immature though. H more so. So I can't imagine being with someone that young. I get a headache thinking about it.  ::)

I'm local, born and raised. I still contemplate leaving the rock and heading to the mainland. Its too expensive to afford rent here on my own :-\ But there's no place like here and I am torn in wanting my kids to be raised here.

Oh I do love it when the karma bus hits them 🤣 nothing like a little truth dart. I’ve always wondered what they think when instead of it being there situation it’s someone else’s. Are they as appalled as the rest of us

Oh, H is a judgy mcjudgy when it comes to others. Prior to BD H used to talk so much smack about men who would do that to their families. After BD, H still made remarks like "People just can't be trusted" or "there's no such thing as loyalty anymore"  :o H then usually gets a not so gentle reminder from me that he was that person too 8)

Nice truth dart, right between the eyes  ;D

Whyus its like H had a bullseye right on his forehead  ;D SMH, It was too easy.

Whelp mine fits the 21 (now 22 year old co worker mould too).  ::)

Ahhh, same. OW turned 22 this year. Is it some kind of secret club we don't know about? ???
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #89 on: May 22, 2019, 04:50:52 PM »
Love the truth darts. 🎯
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #90 on: May 23, 2019, 01:01:05 AM »
When H told me at first he was a little apprehensive and said well maybe our gamer girl friend should tell me. Eventually H said that gamer guy left for another girl. H said "Guess how old she is? 21" I said, "Oh, sounds familiar." H turned 10 shades of red and began stuttering and changed the subject. I couldn't help myself.  8)



gamer guy said he's leaving OW in the truck but he can't come alone because OW does not trust him  ;D

Gee, IMAGINE that! She doesn't trust him... I wonder why? Oh, I don't know... Maybe because he's CHEATING with her?


Gamer guy gave up living in his own place with gamer girl to move into a room with OW at her parent's home. Has his phone monitored and can't go anywhere without OW because she can't trust him  ??? Gamer girl pointed out 'wow, you really traded down.' She's doing ok. Much less of a mess then I was at BD. She laughs at the absurdity of it all. Gamer guy complaining that he was unhappy and felt unloved, but did not say a word to gamer girl. Now he's trapped with a controlling 21 year old who currently has possession of his gonads.  ;D



No other words needed....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #91 on: June 03, 2019, 12:39:26 PM »
I haven't updated for a little bit. I've been keeping busy. My S18 graduated from high school. I kept calm throughout the ceremony. I ugly cried when I saw him on the field waiting for family to lei him. H got to S18 first and hugged him. After about 1 minute or so I was impatient and tapped H on the shoulder to get off him  ;D Sorry H, but I practically raised S18 by myself while you were living it up partying for the first 5 years of his life.

I realized looking back I gave H excuse after excuse... 'he was young.' 'still needed to grow up and mature.' 'he's a good father when he's here.' I felt so alone at 16 with a newborn and H was never there when I really needed him. In fact I vividly recall going thru post partum blues crying all day for a good two weeks while trying to figure out how to breastfeed and care for this tiny creature. H saw me and told me to snap out of it and went into the other room to play games on the computer. I was lucky to have a good support group in place with my family, school, and non-profit agencies to help me.

Yes, there were good times. H was very attentive to S18 and all of our girls, but when it was on his terms. I never got to get moments to myself when I needed them. H always got to have 'me' time. I allowed it. I never spoke up to H that I needed a day out with my girlfriends or even an hour to get my haircut because it was always met with complaints and accusations.

I wonder if I overlooked all the conflict by only seeing the good. NO matter how tiny and miniscule. I would find the good and that would be what I held onto. H is completely opposite, everything is dark and gloomy. I helped him see the silver lining in things.

Back to graduation. H wanted to pose for 'family' pictures. Even posted one of the three of us saying 'no matter what is happening between your mom and I, we are always there for you.'  >:( >:( >:( Like really?!? I ignored H for the rest of the night at dinner with our family. H sulked in the corner because he wasn't the center of attention from me.

Everything cooled off, until a couple nights ago. H started a R convo. After not really engaging in R talk I got accused of seeing someone else :o H began to get a little aggressive (no touching) but in my face yelling. I did tell H 'No, I take our marriage vows seriously. Even though we are not 'together' we are still married.' H is telling everyone we are having R issues ??? I think the only issues here are you buddy. I told H I was going to go take a time out and he should do the same.

A while later I calmly asked H to leave for the night. H agreed and was acting like a toddler. As he was walking out I told him 'I need you to take this time to think about where you want to be. It seems like you don't want to be here. I am not making that choice for you, but consider this, I will not allow anymore back and forth. Take tonight and go somewhere. Take the next couple of days to think about leaving. Once you leave I will not allow you to return. I will not allow you to treat me like an option. I will not allow you to treat this family like it is an option anymore.' H said he would, but I didn't hold my breath that any real thought process would be occurring anytime soon.

The next day as predicted H called and texted me all day. I responded about 30% of the time. Most of it was again just word vomit about H's day. What he was doing...blah blah blah. H came home and said he slept at his coworkers. I just look at him like  ??? The same coworker H was talking to at 1 in the morning in the not so distant past. H quickly said its not like that. Well, H said he hasn't decided if he was ready to move on or out. I told him 'It's been a of year of this. You still don't know what you want?' more confused looks from H ??? I just left him there in the room without another word.

This past weekend H turned 37. He of course went out to the bar to celebrate with his 20-something year old coworkers. As predicted H did not come home when he said he would. I didn't bother him and when he did come rolling in at a little past midnight I didn't address him either. Of course H wanted to tell me all about his night. Something about the look in his eyes troubled me. I don't know it kind of reminded me of how he looked after talking to OW. Like a kid lying and thinking they got away with something without getting caught.

The next day H went to work to make up time. H took S18 with him to help out and paid him for the 4 hours he was there. H and I quote said 'I'm teaching S18 responsibility. How it feels to make your own money...be man.' Ummm ok. They went to lunch after and I took the girls out to the shopping center. When I got home H was home. I got the look from H like he was butt hurt we weren't home to greet him or something. I got confirmation from H later that he was a little upset we weren't home ???

The kids went off to watch movies with my mom. D4 and I binged watched some movies. H went off on his lonely walk to pout I guess. I don't know when he came back. I fell asleep and woke up and he was on the floor already asleep. The next morning I got a vague answer when I asked what he was up to.

H took the girls to the beach and later asked me to join them. It has been super hot and humid. The beach was nice. The water crystal clear. I didn't see the girls much for the 3 hours we were there. They were swimming pretty much the whole time. H was very chatty about mostly nothing. I knew what was coming because I caught onto his pattern of being super friendly when he wanted to say something to devastate my heart. This is the speech I got: 'I love you and always will, but I'm not happy. I do miss how we used to be. I don't like to think about us from before. Even though I'm not happy, I'm reluctant to move on because we are 'comfortable'. We've been together for almost 20 years. I'm afraid to give that up. I'm ok with things staying like this for now. I want you to understand I don't want to reconcile with you Island.'

Talk about getting the feels  ::) You want to stay with me because its 'comfortable'. Aww H...you got me all warm and fuzzy with that one. I just looked at H and said 'ok. if that is how you feel.' and left it at that. I think H expected me to start crying or to say something more because he got his thinky face on. I shouldn't have to say it, but I wonder if H forgot that I also have a say in how I want to proceed with this R. I mean I thought we agreed to a D?!? Yes a part of my heart hopes that we do remain together. But I won't let that stop me from living.

I was nice and took H out for his birthday anyway that night. It was crowded. H got seated in a spot designated for handicapped. It had the nice little wheel chair symbol thing and all. I told H 'They must realize its your birthday. Look they sat you in the right spot oldman.'  ;D Oh, karma bus keep rolling in.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 12:40:38 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #92 on: June 03, 2019, 09:41:22 PM »
So, he doesn't want to reconcile but he wants to keep things as they are because "he's comfortable." How "special."
<insert 2x4 here>
And you are enabling the continuation of the behavior by default and not setting a boundary. He wants a D supposedly, you've both agreed but he wants to be comfortable while doing whoever he wants (the "you're seeing someone" is projection. You know that, right? He's accusing you of what he's doing) while you are supposed o sit at home and pine away for him in your stasis box.

Why SHOULD he do anything? He's got it made. He has his "family time," a live-in whatever you are to him that doesn't rock the boat much, and his 20-something coworkers/side pieces.... He has Carte Blanche to do what he wants....

What you choose to allow will continue.... Doesn't mean you have to file for his D but your boundaries (if you have any that are truly limitations) have more holes than Swiss Cheese....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #93 on: June 03, 2019, 10:16:37 PM »
Yes, Island....he has completely forgotten you have a say. Either bc he thinks you're the same girl as you were before and will put him first, or he thinks he's a prize, or he thinks you're too afraid to rock the boat.

I don't know how you feel or what you want to do. You might not yet either.
Um is right about the need for new boundaries. He may be 'comfortable' but your posts don't suggest it is very comfortable for you. How are the kids?

Take your time to think about what is best for you and the kids, but I'd suggest you also use it to gather copies of info you might need if he leaves or D becomes a reality. And any important sentimental items or valuables that belong to you. Keep them out of the house or with a friend. Bc unfortunately MLCers do lie and steal and can get very crazy about money. They also change their minds on a sixpence....I wouldn't be at all surprised if your h does another backflip on what he has said either going back to D or more of the sobbing 'please fix it, IG' or even hightail it to another ow bolt hole. The one thing that is consistent with your h is that he changes his mind!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #94 on: June 03, 2019, 10:26:42 PM »
UM... I love your 2x4s. I'm no delicate flower so even as I wrote everything out it sounded like cake eating enabling. At the moment I feel more a mad scientist observing the madness of MLC than stuck LBS.

H and I have an 'understanding' to file once everything with S18's graduation festivities are complete. No one is buying what H is selling as far as 'happy' family. I don't lie when asked directly what is going on. It's simple H doesn't want this M and instead of stepping up and ending it himself, he wants to push me to do it.

As far as being 'comfortable' that I understand what H is saying. It's terrifying to lose the only thing you've known since you were a teenager. Despite looking back and seeing all the flaws,  its hard to cut off the only thing you've experienced.

The problem for me with H has always been boundaries. I either A don't enforce them or B have a hard time putting them there in the first place.  ::) That my friend is what I'm try to work on the most.

Treasur, yes I'm not ok with H's statement. Is that all I am to him? A comfort blanket that he refuses to share with others? I'm not rocking the boat so to speak because my S18'S graduation party does not  need to be overshadowed by H. It's like history is repeating itself. Hs parents separated badly his senior year. Hs graduation and party was overshadowed by hostility and pick a side.

At some point I realize though its always going to be something I don't want to ruin... D4 turning 5 or the next holiday. So where do I draw the line?

I'm too aware of what separation does to families. All of my assets are mine alone. I separated everything a couple months ago. Our sentimental items are hidden away. My wedding gown, rings, pictures. In the back of my mind and heart even when H returned I didn't trust it so I kept them hidden.

I'm prepared that H will leave. Which is why I consolidated my debt and saving when I can. I feel ok financially if I'm on my own. Emotional I think I won't be as devastated as I am setting us up to go the D route.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 10:43:36 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #95 on: June 03, 2019, 10:43:54 PM »
To be fair, Island, I think you have got much better at boundaries - your comment about not going and coming back again was a great example - but it must be pretty difficult with a clinging boomerang who lives with you. And I guess it is just as hard for you to face the loss of everything familiar since you were a teenager too....although of course you won't lose everything bc you have the kids and yourself, and the reality is that your h's actions have changed some things anyway. But you are stronger than you think, I believe, and you have already come a long way.

Have you read Acorn's thread? Or maybe PM her for advice on how she did it in the past before her h started to regain his sanity? Perhaps there is an interim goal - before D or before living apart - which is about how you can make the live in situation more 'comfortable' for you? It is like both of you are somehow waiting for the other to blink first....if you sat down with a blank piece of paper, what would a comfortable version of living next to (as opposed to with) a depressed bonkers h look like to you? What would the new 'rules' of engagement be that would keep you sufficiently sane and detached? I have to be honest, tough as it was to have a magic disappearing h who didn't give a stuff about me and threw hand grenades over his shoulder without looking back....I think a live in situation is much harder so I suppose conversely you need to be as strong, calm and clear as possible about how you and the kids can live with the needy elephant in the corner of the room  :) :)
« Last Edit: June 03, 2019, 10:52:44 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #96 on: June 04, 2019, 01:17:31 AM »
Sh!t hit the fan. It all started off when I asked who he was messaging. H turned it around that I wasn't home when he was. I didn't mention earlier I spent 3 hours at the eye dr with S18. I was starving and ate at the mall with S18. H said nothing he did was good enough. I said well that's how I feel every day for 3 years.

I asked H to leave. Happy birthday H, how does it feel? He's moving in with his coworker 'friend'. I called her. No decency to call me back. Wow. H said its not like that. I told H I'm not stupid if its not 'that way' now eventually it will be. No person says hey come sneakily move in. A real friend would say take some time but either work in your marriage or end it. H most likely spouted lies anyway.

I made him explain to our girls he decided to leave. I'm over it. I didn't even care. I was tired of his threats. He was toxic and needed to go. I was tired of covering up for him. The lies to both me and our kids. I don't think he knows how to tell the truth anymore.

Boundary in place. H is not welcome back and since he voluntarily left has no right to return. I feel strangely free.

Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #97 on: June 04, 2019, 02:24:57 AM »
Sorry to read your last update IG but I think you did the right thing.. I know it's hard to ask them to move out and you might wonder every now and again if it's was a good idea but you have been living a nightmare for a long time.. Your H might need to be away from you to actually work on himself.. regardless if you want him back as a H or not.

His comment about staying because it was comfortable.. well, not good enough for you, is it? I think we all get to a point where enough is enough.. he hasn't progressed at all despite you trying your best to stay out of his way.. Just let him have his crisis somewhere else so you can really concentrate on you and the kids
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #98 on: June 04, 2019, 02:43:10 AM »
So sorry that you’re going through this. I read a flatness in your posts that feels to me like you have just had enough. I really hope he goes now so that you can take a breather and he can get seriously uncomfortable. Even if he manages to avoid that for some time with his ‘friend’, it won’t be long before he’s the one standing in front of the fan and not behind it at the on/off button.  You really really tried as hard as you could to avoid this but it seems like it just needs to happen.  Big hugs to you my friend.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #99 on: June 04, 2019, 02:55:50 AM »
IG,

I hope that you know that my 2x4 was NOT malicious because that wasn't my intent.

For your own sanity and the sanity/sake of your kids though, I personally think you did the right thing in asking him to find someplace else to stay.

His BS about "it's not like that" is just that... a big ... If it wasn't like that, he wouldn't have been able to move in so quickly with her.... and I think we both know that....

Your comment about how HIS parents split just before his graduation would emphasize the idea that this is exactly what he was pushing towards - he has to (EXACTLY like my STBXW, just like MourningDove's xH) relive the relationship his parents had with each other including reenacting the trauma and drama.... In other words, from my point of view, what has just happened was bound to happen and soon... That was/is his subconscious (maybe) goal is to relive the past trauma - unfortunately, he is not capable of seeing that there ARE/were other options and that if he would have gotten his thumb out of his rear and actually TRIED to do his own work. Instead, he wants to remain "comfortable."

If he wants "comfortable" he can buy it here https://gravityblankets.com/ but you are a real living breathing human who also has the right to have a partner that is fully there, fully committed, and fully engaged. Not some half-ar$ed twatwaffle who doesn't want to be married but is too "comfortable" to actually make the changes needed and do the work he has to do to have a decent life with someone who loves him....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #100 on: June 04, 2019, 03:09:20 AM »
Wow there was so much in your last two updates that ring the similarity bells.

All I can see is how similar he is to Beast with their immature childish..cowardly behaviour. Run and Lie....run and lie.. Ugh.

There was a time shortly after BD when I questioned what I did (packing his totes and telling him to go to MIL to sort himself out). I wondered if that somehow pushed him away, or toward OW faster. The reality is...it all blew up because he was already starting an inappropriate relationship with her. Maybe it sped them closer together...but if I hadn't done it...I think he would have just been living here, doing it behind my back, and then taking out all his guilt and anger on me and the kids.

So in the end I do not regret it. It gave me space and perspective to see what is happening and to heal. Me and the kids have a better home environment...and he still looks like 10 shades of $h!te. His bad behaviour now eeks out and affects the other people around him, and I only have to deal with him once a week or so. Not to pass the buck, but it makes me feel validated that it was definitely not me...it is him.

It might hurt for a little while, but in the end I think you already know it is for the best for you and the kids.

For him? Who knows.  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #101 on: June 04, 2019, 06:41:31 AM »
I'm sorry/not sorry it blew up but as others say here i too think you did the sane wise thing. Your feeling free backs that up. And yes, please don't let him gaslight you...trust your own sense of normal that the coworker is not just a 'friend' bc that is not how a normal friend would behave or respond to your call. What he is saying is BS..and his blaming you is BS and his self pity is BS....it might not be a physical affair yet but it is an inapproriate relationship. His choice but I am sure he had other choices, other friends, other male coworkers or other places he could have gone.

Many years ago, an old friend of mine had a serious marriage crisis when he caught his then w cheating...both of them were unsure if they wanted to try to save their m or not. I was travelling and my flat was empty; I offered the use of it to either one of them if it would help them have a little space to think and my friend used it for a few weeks. But it was very open and I made the offer without judgment or any agenda other than supporting them both and I was not living there during that time.

I would humbly suggest, my friend, that at least for a couple of days you go very dark with your h. Send him a text if necessary saying that you now need a little bit of time, will not contact him for a couple of days or a week unless there is an emergency involving the kids and would prefer him not to contact you and that you will not respond if he does. You need time to take a breath, feel what you feel and decide on your next steps from here. But I have no doubt at all that you will be ok whatever happens.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 06:49:10 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #102 on: June 04, 2019, 07:08:29 AM »
Island, I think Treasur's advice is spot on.

I would normally say don't contact him and if he tries ignore him, but with your H I think he does need it spelled out for him.  So text asking him not to contact you, and you will not respond if he does is a very good idea.  Then follow though with it.

You really have no idea what this "friend" is so don't let yourself monkey brain about it.  I wouldn't even talk about her or call her.

Just take this time for you.  Let him go.  I have a feeling his comfort zone will go down hill pretty fast, but that's ok.  He needs to feel all of this.  Allow him to.  Let him feel the consequences of not having his family.

Take care of yourself, Island.  I expect the next few days will be a little rough, but you will eventually start to feel better and calmer.
Stay strong.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #103 on: June 04, 2019, 08:28:41 AM »
I hope you get some peace Island. You shouldn't deal with all his drama. All lies and BS!
Others have said, it will be hard at first, but the Peace in your life will be worth it. 

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #104 on: June 04, 2019, 08:58:41 AM »
I'm sorry, IG. I know eactly the feeling of Strangely Free. What you will eventually realize is that, as you mentioned, he has been trying to get you to end it because he didn't have the spine to do it, but he's been trying to get you to end it by being a jacka$$ for a very long time. Years, in fact. Getting rid of the toxic behavior in your life is very freeing. No more walking on eggshells, or waiting for the next blowup, or feeling you might be disrepecting yourself if he might be sleeping with someone else while living with you. Just you and your decisions and your moral code. And it's SCARY at the same time. So frightening that everything you've known is gone, what you thought was security is gone, your family is broken, can you make it on your own?

 But the truth is you CAN  make it on your own. It's difficult, true, and the overwhelming pain can stall you at times, but you had the same advantage I did. You saw it coming, had time to adjust somewhat, and get ready for what you hoped would not come, but did no matter what you tried. You can be confident you did not give up or walk away. He did.

Virtual hugs. You and your kids will be ok. It will just take that infamous time.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #105 on: June 04, 2019, 10:34:16 AM »
I am so sorry Island that it blew up, but sort of glad it did because you do not need his insanity in your home.
I am not happy but don't want to move on because we are comfortable - like an old shoe ?
I would like to stay as we are - of course he would - he has it made.
You had enough being disrespected and unhappy in your own home and I am glad you stood up for yourself. Enough is enough and he's been playing his games for way too long.
You have grown so much and are ready to face being on your own and it will be more peaceful than worrying about what mood he will be in.

Ursa, I find your comment interesting about them having to relive the parents relationship. H's parents split when his dad was H's age now - he married twice while they were divorced and 10 years later married H's mom again. She's always been the love of his life and I see a lot of FIL in H - never realized that.

Anyhow - didn't mean to veer off topic Island - you got this and in the end it will be much better for the kids.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #106 on: June 04, 2019, 03:29:13 PM »
I don’t have anything new to add but fwiw you did the right thing.

Hugs
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #107 on: June 06, 2019, 11:49:27 AM »
How are you doing, Island?

Thinking of you and hoping things are calm.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #108 on: June 06, 2019, 01:00:09 PM »
His comment about staying because it was comfortable.. well, not good enough for you, is it? I think we all get to a point where enough is enough.. he hasn't progressed at all despite you trying your best to stay out of his way.. Just let him have his crisis somewhere else so you can really concentrate on you and the kids

I was exhausted by that point One Day. H's cycles were constant and fast. No sense of peace at all. I'm just tired. My kids could see me worn down as much as I tried to put on a brave face. They just knew.

I read a flatness in your posts that feels to me like you have just had enough.

You saw that too huh? I wonder H&F if I had to get to the point of being fed up. I am tired. My heart is tired. My brain could definitely use a break. I won't lie, I do feel a bit lost.

IG,

I hope that you know that my 2x4 was NOT malicious because that wasn't my intent.

For your own sanity and the sanity/sake of your kids though, I personally think you did the right thing in asking him to find someplace else to stay.

His BS about "it's not like that" is just that... a big ... If it wasn't like that, he wouldn't have been able to move in so quickly with her.... and I think we both know that....

Your comment about how HIS parents split just before his graduation would emphasize the idea that this is exactly what he was pushing towards - he has to (EXACTLY like my STBXW, just like MourningDove's xH) relive the relationship his parents had with each other including reenacting the trauma and drama.... In other words, from my point of view, what has just happened was bound to happen and soon... That was/is his subconscious (maybe) goal is to relive the past trauma - unfortunately, he is not capable of seeing that there ARE/were other options and that if he would have gotten his thumb out of his rear and actually TRIED to do his own work. Instead, he wants to remain "comfortable."

If he wants "comfortable" he can buy it here https://gravityblankets.com/ but you are a real living breathing human who also has the right to have a partner that is fully there, fully committed, and fully engaged. Not some half-ar$ed twatwaffle who doesn't want to be married but is too "comfortable" to actually make the changes needed and do the work he has to do to have a decent life with someone who loves him....

UM... in knowing you the 2 years I've been on HS, I know this, you are never malicious. A bit naughty at times, but only towards the MLCer ;)

H fails to see he is repeating history. As much as he is all about being different from his parents and 'doing better than they did'.

H's comment about being 'comfortable' hurt a lot. I don't mean to sound crude and excuse me for being graphic, but I felt treated like some sort of blow up doll. Use me for your pleasure and toss me aside when you're done with me. >:( It broke my heart even more, but I didn't let H see that.

Wow there was so much in your last two updates that ring the similarity bells.

All I can see is how similar he is to Beast with their immature childish..cowardly behaviour. Run and Lie....run and lie.. Ugh.

There was a time shortly after BD when I questioned what I did (packing his totes and telling him to go to MIL to sort himself out). I wondered if that somehow pushed him away, or toward OW faster. The reality is...it all blew up because he was already starting an inappropriate relationship with her. Maybe it sped them closer together...but if I hadn't done it...I think he would have just been living here, doing it behind my back, and then taking out all his guilt and anger on me and the kids.

So in the end I do not regret it. It gave me space and perspective to see what is happening and to heal. Me and the kids have a better home environment...and he still looks like 10 shades of $h!te. His bad behaviour now eeks out and affects the other people around him, and I only have to deal with him once a week or so. Not to pass the buck, but it makes me feel validated that it was definitely not me...it is him.


H kept saying its me. I'm the reason he is so unhappy. I am why he is depressed because I always made him feel like everything was his fault. H cheated because I'm too good for him?!?

H always had trouble making that boundary with women. Getting too 'friendly' and allowing them to disrespect our R. While H did not explicitly say so, I knew I could never have men as friends because I was automatically fooling around. H was always very jealous and I am too, but the difference is H always did things to provoke that... ignoring me to chat with his girlfriends or going out for drinks with them. Once H said he felt uncomfortable with a friendship, I always pulled back and drew that line. H said 'I always draw that line IG, but they cross it.' I told H at one point 'they only cross what you allow.'

I see that I never set my own boundaries. I always just wanted H to be happy... with me. I guess that speaks volumes not about my H, but about me.

I'm sorry/not sorry it blew up but as others say here i too think you did the sane wise thing. Your feeling free backs that up. And yes, please don't let him gaslight you...trust your own sense of normal that the coworker is not just a 'friend' bc that is not how a normal friend would behave or respond to your call. What he is saying is BS..and his blaming you is BS and his self pity is BS....it might not be a physical affair yet but it is an inapproriate relationship. His choice but I am sure he had other choices, other friends, other male coworkers or other places he could have gone.
what you feel and decide on your next steps from here. But I have no doubt at all that you will be ok whatever happens.

I do believe that its not 'like that' at the moment. I do believe that this 'friendship' is inappropriate and was from the beginning. H had our friend J to stay with, but then again, J, according to H is supposedly 'in love' with me. J and I barely have a friendship. I drew that line once H said he felt uncomfortable with us gaming together. I haven't spoken to J in almost a year. H also had another male coworker who was renting out a room.

I know why he chose this female coworker. H wanted to have someone he could easily manipulate with whatever B.S. story he could concoct. H works mainly with females and apparently they all think he should get a D because he's so unhappy with me. Who knows what stories he's been telling them.

I would normally say don't contact him and if he tries ignore him, but with your H I think he does need it spelled out for him.  So text asking him not to contact you, and you will not respond if he does is a very good idea.  Then follow though with it.

You really have no idea what this "friend" is so don't let yourself monkey brain about it.  I wouldn't even talk about her or call her.

I have asked H for space. He has been good about only calling regarding the kids...he pushes to see how far he can go as far as making chit chat with me. I have been pretty firm.

As far as his 'friend' I spoke to her and gave her a piece of my mind. She stated H is her friend and she would offer a room to any of her friends. I just told her they were both being shady and none of what she is saying makes any difference on my opinion of the matter. I mainly wanted to speak to her to know how much rent H will be paying because H needs to start giving me support for the kids.

I hope you get some peace Island. You shouldn't deal with all his drama. All lies and BS!
Others have said, it will be hard at first, but the Peace in your life will be worth it. 

Thank you Helping. I am hoping for more peace in my heart as well.

I'm sorry, IG. I know eactly the feeling of Strangely Free. What you will eventually realize is that, as you mentioned, he has been trying to get you to end it because he didn't have the spine to do it, but he's been trying to get you to end it by being a jacka$$ for a very long time. Years, in fact. Getting rid of the toxic behavior in your life is very freeing.

OR, you hit it right on the head. Its been years and years of me giving H excuses. I allowed it. Now I feel more free. Still sad, but at least functional right now.

Ursa, I find your comment interesting about them having to relive the parents relationship. H's parents split when his dad was H's age now - he married twice while they were divorced and 10 years later married H's mom again. She's always been the love of his life and I see a lot of FIL in H - never realized that.

Anyhow - didn't mean to veer off topic Island - you got this and in the end it will be much better for the kids.

No worries Schratz... it does amaze me that H verbalizes that he recognizes these things, yet follows the same path anyway. H keeps saying "Island you will always be the love of my life. I don't think I will ever find someone like you." His actions say otherwise though. It will be little too late for me if H comes around 10 years later.

I don’t have anything new to add but fwiw you did the right thing.

Hugs

Thank you Sachat. I appreciate the hugs.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2019, 02:19:31 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #109 on: June 06, 2019, 01:18:15 PM »
How are you doing, Island?

Thinking of you and hoping things are calm.

I'm ok. The days have felt a little surreal. The first day after H left he called to 'talk'. I sensed he was hoping I would ask him to come back home. I told him being apart is what I need right now. I also reminded him that he chose to leave and that I will not allow him to do the back and forth thing. H sounded very sad. I almost broke down, but stayed firm. H asked if I was seeing someone.  ??? I didn't answer. All I said is that my focus is on the kids and left it at that.

Later that afternoon H came to D11's soccer practice. I was hoping to avoid him, but he was still there when I arrived. H said he is not sure what to do. I told him that he already made his decision. H started tearing and said he thought that we were forever. I told him I believed that at one point too, but here we are. H then left and I held it together long enough to not cry until he was gone and I was back home.

Yesterday, H left me alone for the most part. Only calling to talk to D4 and D8 in the morning and right before bed. H tried to talk to me but I told him to give me space. H took more of his stuff before I got home. It was like seeing a manifestation of the holes in my heart to see the spots where his things were now gone. 

Today H pushed it a little and showed up at D4's preschool to see her for a couple of minutes before his appointment nearby. I stayed a part from them and let H sign D4 in and do the morning routine. H walked me to my car and filled me in with his night before and what his plans were for today. I mostly nodded and then cut H off and said I had to go to work. I couldn't look him in the eye and spoke mostly past him. I didn't want to cry in front of him. I only teared a little and shook it off on my way to the office.

This has to get easier right?  :(
« Last Edit: June 06, 2019, 02:21:25 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #110 on: June 06, 2019, 01:33:44 PM »
Yes Island it will.  After you're away from the craziness you will probably wonder what took you so long.

If he tries contact again, ignore him.  Talking to him will keep you stuck.

I'm sorry, I know how hard this is but it really may be the only thing that will make a difference.
He has played games with your heart long enough.

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #111 on: June 06, 2019, 01:43:03 PM »
Hug from here too, island.
You're exhausted...and your h is a clinger...right now you need to do anything that lets you calmly recharge your batteries. Sleep, food, sunshine, good friends, a book, a walk...and it is more likely that your h will drain your energy so keep your contact as minimal as you can for a little while. Things will feel easier when you are less mentally and emotionally drained.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #112 on: June 08, 2019, 04:22:14 PM »
Well from one clinger victim to another...

Contact is more draining than peace alone.

Give it a few days and you will feel a bit better.

Assuming you can get him away.  :P
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #113 on: August 14, 2019, 04:10:29 PM »
Its been a while since I last posted. I did come on a month ago and kind of got turned off by the vibe that's been going around here lately. I decided that taking a break was necessary for my healing. It was nice. I talked to SachaT and my BFF A. I saw some of H's family that I haven't seen in person for years. I spent as much of the summer that I could at the beach with the kids.

A lot has happened since I last posted and most of it was a blur. Kind of like time sped up and I'm still trying to wrap my head around things. I am hesitant to post about it because I don't feel quite ready. Part of it has to do with me still trying to digest things I guess.

In short H wanted to come home after a week. I said no, I was done. I felt ok and made peace with filing for D myself. I don't know and can't pinpoint what changed, but a few weeks in H asked to come home again. I asked him what would be different this time? What will change from before? H actually gave an answer that was not fluff and did not point fingers. H said 'The change would have to be me.' H explained that he spent so much time being angry. Angry that things were happening to him, but he realized things happened because of him and his choices.

I was validated in thinking H did not really want to leave. H admitted, 'I never thought you would let things go this far. I never thought you would follow through with pushing me to leave. I chose to leave though. So that was on me.' After that led to more R talks. Different in that there was no more blaming from either of us. We've touched on OW, his addictions, my passive aggressiveness, and neediness on both our sides. About being afraid to say how we truly feel because we were afraid to hurt each other feelings. Or about being afraid to speak up when we each needed something from one another. No more 'we've been together for so long you should just know' speech or line of thinking. About setting boundaries with one another and honoring and respecting each others feelings.

I have allowed H to return home. It's been nice. Kind of a return to the quiet life we had before BD. Not quite the same, but I see H genuinely trying and it has softened me toward him. I'm still not sure what this is. Its a stark contrast from when H first came home Nov 2017. I don't feel like I'm suffocating this time and walking on egg shells. I still feel its too early to call this reconnecting... maybe a precursor to that. Part of it is because I am still very guarded. I am open to try with H. I just don't want to rush things. I guess time will tell.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #114 on: August 14, 2019, 05:42:11 PM »
Good to hear Island.
I hope he keeps working on himself. As much as you can??? Let him work away!!!!
You do your thing, he does his.
Main thing I always did was want too much , too fast.
Now it's just easing along, letting the days click away.
You sound good. Keep it up.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #115 on: August 14, 2019, 06:01:39 PM »
Nice news, Island.
As you say, time will tell but it sounds as if it feels different than before and your h is starting to take responsibility in a way he didn't before.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Whyus

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #116 on: August 15, 2019, 12:42:03 AM »
Nice to read this morning Island. Your H seems to have finally realized that he is the Problem, I guess you scared the $h!te out of him this time :-). Good for you, you took back Control and he panicked. Great.

You know the drill though, protect your heart and take your time. Rome wasnt built in a day and you will spend some time rebuilding.
All the best and good luck  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline tinnat

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #117 on: August 15, 2019, 12:58:29 AM »
Your news is surrounded in good vibes, Island.   So much of it resonates with my situation, I can only hope that some of your good vibes are being transmitted to me through the power of the Internet.   :)

Keep well and keep strong.
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
March 2018 - H takes solo trip to another continent to "clear his mind"
February 2019 - 2nd BD - "ILYBINILWY".
March 2019 - H rents a room but still spends most of his nights at home
April 2019 - H takes a solo trip to do a yoga course.  In June I discover that solo trip was to the same continent and country as in previous year.
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent - H rarely sees or speaks with her but texts every day. I ask H to sleep away from the house.
July 2019 - 3rd BD - OW has just moved to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.   Now I seriously think I cannot stand anymore.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #118 on: August 15, 2019, 01:32:59 AM »
Belatedly occurs to me Island that your h has a track record of wanting you to rescue him or be some kind of unpaid therapist...and getting a bit angry and frustrated when you don't fix it all...which is impossible of course.
If he now recognises that the main problem is him, has he also got a plan - which doesn't involve you - to get some professional support in figuring out what to do and how to move forward? If he doesn't...and I think he was pretty resistant to that in the past...I suspect even if he doesn't mean to, he will drift back to you as the rescuer/therapist and that won't help either of you much.

How are the kids coping?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #119 on: August 15, 2019, 06:56:38 AM »
It sounds like some good baby steps in the right direction.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #120 on: August 15, 2019, 02:14:05 PM »
Hello Helping, Treasur, Tinnat, Whyus, and NYM  :)

I'm trying to catch up on all of your threads. Its going to take me a while  ;)

I think taking a break from the board helped in that I was so focused on MLC. It kept things raw for me. Like a scab I kept picking at and now allowing to heal properly. I admit I took a lot of it out on H. I was aware of it sometimes and other times I had no idea that I was reacting a certain way. I could see why he was hesitant to be open with me. The same way I was hesitant to be completely open with him. We were busy unloading on one another.

H hopefully did have a wake up call. I matched my words with actions this time. I still feel like if things were to fall apart again that I will be ok. I was so afraid of getting a D. I was so afraid of letting go of H. I don't feel that way so much now. I didn't do anything to force a reaction from H. Nothing was intentional and how I truly felt at that point. I was expecting H to think it was some manipulation on my part, but I think he realized that I was not playing anymore. That must have been terrifying for him.  :-[

H still resists professional help. But is open to speaking to close friends and family now about his 'issues'. I made that a boundary on his return that I am not here to fix him. Its one thing to share your thoughts and feelings. Its another to expect me to find a solution for it. I have caught myself going into that fixer mode and stopped myself thankfully. H catches himself all the time and stops his expectations of me fixing things. Its still there, that dynamic of victim and rescuer. It takes a lot on both our parts not to fall into it.  :-X

I have mentioned marriage counseling in the future. H was dead set on never doing that. He has softened his stance when he realized that I took it as he was not willing to truly focus on repairing anything between us. I told him I was no where ready for marriage counseling now, but in the future I did want us to go when I felt ready. H's compromise was discussing the issue when I felt the time had come. I challenged him that he was avoiding the topic, but then again H is the type to deal with the hear and now. I was always the one worried about planning for the future.  ::)

The biggest change I see in H is that he is not constantly cycling. Even when he first returned home in 2017, the cycles were daily. Up and down. H was all over the place. His moods towards me and life in general has been consistent. H is still naturally high strung, but his demeanor is calmer. His best friend also mentioned to H that this is the most he's sounded like himself in years. So I see positive movement that I hope continues.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #121 on: August 15, 2019, 04:22:11 PM »
It's obvious his demeanor is calmer than before simply from your demeanor. You come across as a lot less stressed than you were before from his behavior.  :)
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #122 on: September 04, 2019, 01:11:12 PM »
I noticed H has been pulling away again. I kind of expected this to happen as this was the case every time we moved closer towards one another. After about 2 months of intense hyper-bonding he gets scared and pulls back. I guess the honeymoon phase is over yet again and the high has worn off  ::). I'm doing better at no expectations from H. It helps that I still have my guard up.

I have to give H credit as he is fighting his own urge to run and hide. I see him seeking me out after he has been withdrawn. I just kind of let him be and do my own thing. I'm pushing forward and I hope H will in time catch up.

It's only taken me a little over two years, but I think I discovered my quiet confidence again. I guess what Oldpilot says is true in his welcoming statement... to take time and focus on yourself... it just took a lot of self inflicting torment to realize that.

So I took my eyes off of H. And if I'm being honest with myself, up until this last time he left in June I was still unconsciously keeping my focus on H. I still don't know if it had to take me being pushed until I hit a breaking point. (I must be very patient because I let H push me there for two years until a shift happened within me.  ::) )

Right now I feel ok. Shaking my head a little thinking that at one point I was foolish to think H would be further ahead in his progress. Silly me. Oh, well live and learn right  ;)
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #123 on: September 04, 2019, 04:58:51 PM »
Island, just try to remember a little over 2 years is still pretty early in MLC time.

Most of us didn't notice any real positive movement for at least 3 years and even then it was very s-l-o-w going.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #124 on: September 13, 2019, 10:49:59 PM »
Thank you Thunder. I guess at some point we get as impatient as our MLCers.  ::) Like you're coming or going H? I feel like when I talk to my cat... "you want out or in" and they end up sitting on threshold with the nah I'm good in between  ;D

H has been trying really hard. He checks in and tries not to push me away. I am doing the same as my clingyness when I feel him pulling away goes into hyper drive. I have begun taking the opposite approach and leave him be. It freaks him out I think because he starts making a lot of contact.

On another note I've been mulling over the idea that maybe this is as good as it gets. A theme I've visited on numerous occasions  :-\ Am I ok with this being it? If this is all H can offer me can I live with that?

One thing I see clear is that H is afraid that I'll move on to someone or something better. Before I held myself back in a way. To maybe compensate for H's insecurities. That is something I'll never do again. I made myself small so H would feel better about himself. H knows that I've changed and I'm not that person anymore.  I want a partner,  an equal. I see H pushing himself to be that person for me. I worry though that he will always have that lingering sense of low self worth.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 10:52:06 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #125 on: September 16, 2019, 06:14:01 AM »
It is a bit ironic that the Mid-Lifer doesn't particularly want us but sure as Hades doesn't want anyone else to have us either....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #126 on: September 16, 2019, 06:25:24 AM »
AMEN!!!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #127 on: October 04, 2019, 04:36:11 PM »
Sort of update time... its fair to say that this update is more of the goings on with H. I see him still down in his depression, but he needs to help himself. On the positive side, I do see him trying really hard not to lump me in with his depressive episodes. I know he is trying in his own way.

He's had a hard time being stuck at home for the past 6 weeks due to surgery. He is by no means homebound, but I think he just doesn't have the energy to be around others at this point. I get it, not wanting to deal with others because its draining. I'm glad that he has stopped pushing me away. I did have to spell it out for him though that it was causing a great divide between us and I just see things going the same way they did before.

As far of OW, its like she never existed in a way. Yes we do talk about what happened, but I am in a different place that it doesn't hurt as much. I hope that she has disappeared for good, especially now that we have no reason to run into her. H would very much like to erase her existence.  He doesn't want to brush it under the rug, but kept saying before it was hard to move on when she was always in the periphery of our lives. I feel I have moved on in a way, but it will always be a scar I have. Something that will always be in the back of my mind and a reminder in my heart. I know I will never have that blindly in love and all trusting thing that I had once with H.

I'm not saying I don't trust H, I do. I believe him when he says OW was a huge mistake. I believe him when he says he hates the way he hurt me. I also believe him when he says he struggles to remember the worst of it. But, I remember how easy it was for H to lose himself because he just couldn't deal with his FOO. That he chose to crush my heart and spirit to justify his affair and because, as he put it, that he felt inferior to me. How easy it was for him to destroy everything for a fantasy affair after knowing OW for only 3 weeks. Everything that happened, seemed to happen in an instant.

I could go down the rabbit hole and say 'well if he lied about this, what else did he lie about?' like was he truthful that it was never physical? were there others? and so on and so on. I was starting on that path. It nearly drove me insane. I'm glad to say that I don't give a firetruck about those dark thoughts and have moved forward. Its just not worth it to care. And I think that is part of what allowed me to be ok with getting a D back in June. In fact I'm ok now if that is the path we take.

I'm still living my best life. H can be apart of it if he wants to. He's still the one making himself be on the outside looking in. The door is open.

Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #128 on: October 04, 2019, 05:43:05 PM »
Thank you for the update, Island.

I really hope things work out for you two.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2019, 12:04:59 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #129 on: October 05, 2019, 12:24:22 AM »
I LOVE this update. Not too focused on the update in H because well, that’s not the important part. The important part is the update in you! Your better. Your more positive. You sound in a very good place and that’s the update I love!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #130 on: October 07, 2019, 03:47:56 PM »
I had a weird conversation with H this past weekend. But first there's been other weirdness.

He has been pushing more and more for us to do our own activities, pursue our own hobbies, be independent of one another. Its weird because I've been doing that all along. It is H seeking me out every time I'm binge watching on Netfilx or playing a solo game on PS4 or even cleaning the friggen house. I don't get it. I'm being portrayed as clingy, but I am leaving him alone ???

To be fair, H has not outright said I am clingy, but keeps making comments that I should be 'doing my own thing.' Um, isn't that what I'm doing? IDK its either I'm not paying enough attention to H or I'm smothering him. I threw my hands up and said if you want me, you know where to find me ::) So I just leave him to seek me out.

Back to our strange conversation... H said he wanted to build intimacy in other ways than having sex.  ??? He said, "I don't want to do that with you right now. But I don't want to hurt your feelings because I know you do. I feel like that is all you want from me."  :o I was busy picking my jaw up off the floor because I thought we were ok in that department. To me healthy is 2-3 times a week. I prefer more, but its more the connection I feel with H then the physical part.

It got me thinking... do I only feel we make a connection on a physical level? My heart says no, but maybe its not that way for H. I could be overthinking this and it could be other things like H has mentioned he doesn't feel attractive (he gained back all his pre-MLC weight and got his belly back). Also because he has no income right now maybe he feels like less than a man.

I am really not trying to take this personal. It kind of brought out all the old insecurities I have. Is H not attracted to me anymore? OMG, I gained 10 lbs since he came home. Is it that? Does my baby pouch and stretch marks turn him off? Yup 4 kids will do that to ya. Maybe I'm just really bad in bed? Almost 20 years of the same old same old, is H bored?

I don't believe any of that, but its there in the back of my mind. Ya know that little voice that you tell to shut up. I do know logically it is about H and his own circus, but that really blew my mind. I know part of depression can affect libido. I guess I am finally noticing when H's depressive episodes start, he is almost hyper sexual. Like in a way trying to get that high from satisfaction, but after a while he does slip into not wanting to be touched or intimate. H has just never verbalized it to me before what is going on in his head. Also, before H would get into a funk, but I noticed it does take longer for him to get out of it.

I am trying to see the positive here guys. H has been more mindful of doing little things, which I appreciate. Like holding hands, spooning, kissing me, picking up my favorite food, wanting to go out for lunch. I am taking this all as maybe there are so many conflicting emotions going on with him right now that he has no idea what he wants. So I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, leave him be. 
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #131 on: October 08, 2019, 05:05:05 AM »
Island
Keep doing What Your doing , leave him be.
As for other monkey braining.  Don't think too much about that. I do think depression plays a huge part in all that.
To me holding hands and a kiss is so much more than it used to be. To me, if he's wanting more of that?? That's a good thing.
Keep doing What Your doing and let him come to you. I told my W exact thing. For both!!!! If she wanted me or the other, she knew where to find it.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #132 on: October 08, 2019, 06:16:59 AM »
Well I think that little voice about the belly and stretch marks and what not is there for all of us.

Not just with reconnecting with your husband, but also I think for those wanting to reconnect with a new partner.

Deep down we are all a bit self conscious about the fact our bodies aren't perfect anymore. But the funny thing is, even though I am still self conscious about things...the older I get the less I care what other people think? I mean I am still gonna care getting in my birthday suit in front of a man...but day to day I am a lot less hard on myself.

These bodies we got have brought children into the world, kept us going when we were sick...broken hearted...left on our own. They are really amazing if you think about it, and yeah they got a few battle scars...but if the person we are with can't love us for them? Well...time for a single finger salute I think.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #133 on: October 08, 2019, 03:53:41 PM »
As for other monkey braining.  Don't think too much about that. I do think depression plays a huge part in all that.
To me holding hands and a kiss is so much more than it used to be. To me, if he's wanting more of that?? That's a good thing.

Thank you Helping. I'm trying to see the Brightside, but its hard. I can't help but feel a little disappointed that we're still here, stuck in some sort of weird limbo. I am living my life, but its like running thru mud. Slow and sticky. I can't shake that feeling like I'm being held back, which is funny considering that is what H told me during BD.

Well I think that little voice about the belly and stretch marks and what not is there for all of us.

Not just with reconnecting with your husband, but also I think for those wanting to reconnect with a new partner.

Deep down we are all a bit self conscious about the fact our bodies aren't perfect anymore. But the funny thing is, even though I am still self conscious about things...the older I get the less I care what other people think? I mean I am still gonna care getting in my birthday suit in front of a man...but day to day I am a lot less hard on myself.

These bodies we got have brought children into the world, kept us going when we were sick...broken hearted...left on our own. They are really amazing if you think about it, and yeah they got a few battle scars...but if the person we are with can't love us for them? Well...time for a single finger salute I think.  :-*

Very true Morte. These self conscious bits stem from even before H. I have always been uncomfortable with my body. My freshman year of high school I was flat chested, then bam, it seemed I woke up one morning a D cup. You know how high school boys are. The attention made me very uncomfortable. Since then I just like being more covered up. I didn't realize how bad it got until H mentioned one day that he's never seen me completely nude unless it was dark :o I am very proud of growing 4 humans in me. I just still have to silence that voice though.

I have been holding a lot in. Lately I have not been happy with where H and I are at. I have brought it up to H, but its like trying to have a conversation with a teenager. Still me, me, me. In any event I have been thinking more and more that I feel that I am letting go of H. I'm still trying to figure myself out and what I want in life. I think I'm going thru my own mini crisis with my birthday coming up soon. This isn't where I thought I'd be in life at this age.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #134 on: October 10, 2019, 08:26:52 AM »
Maybe focusing on other things helps him take the pressure off himself...maybe he feels self conscious, maybe he thinks he has to offer you more than that.....honestly I don't think it has to do with you at all Island - but of course that is what we do since we are aware how our bodies change with pregnancy. 
And I get that you are wanting to hurry things along, but really in the context of MLC - it hasn't been all that long...and the length and slow moving is what is getting to us all I think.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #135 on: October 10, 2019, 08:49:29 AM »
Island,

I would take him at his word. He wants to ensure your connection is more than physical....I would give an arm for that!

A deeply emotional connection makes you both feel seen and heard. Maybe he is scared he can’t make an emotional connection, maybe he has chosen that sound be a requirement for intimacy. That’s a wonderful and healthy thing.

Every single thing that I have read, says that for a person to long term feel loved, valued, wanted, seen and accepted they need to be able to be vulnerable and receive validation, acceptance and empathy.

People with a very strong emotional connection don’t often cheat. Maybe he feels that’s what was missing, and wants to build that first.

Island girl....this isn’t a rejection of you!!!! This is a request to see all of you...and show you all of him.

There can be nothing sexier than a person with the ability to make you seen, heard and accepted for you are. 

IMO this is a good thing.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #136 on: October 10, 2019, 03:16:48 PM »
And I get that you are wanting to hurry things along, but really in the context of MLC - it hasn't been all that long...and the length and slow moving is what is getting to us all I think.

You're right Schratz. It hasn't been that long at all. I still forget sometimes when he seems normal and then the MLCish side pops up. Its aggravating. Like I want to be done with all of this. I'm tired of being patient and worrying about his feelings. Maybe I just need to get away from him. Take a break. I kind of understand wanting to run away from it all.

Island,

I would take him at his word. He wants to ensure your connection is more than physical....I would give an arm for that!

A deeply emotional connection makes you both feel seen and heard. Maybe he is scared he can’t make an emotional connection, maybe he has chosen that sound be a requirement for intimacy. That’s a wonderful and healthy thing.

Every single thing that I have read, says that for a person to long term feel loved, valued, wanted, seen and accepted they need to be able to be vulnerable and receive validation, acceptance and empathy.

People with a very strong emotional connection don’t often cheat. Maybe he feels that’s what was missing, and wants to build that first.

Island girl....this isn’t a rejection of you!!!! This is a request to see all of you...and show you all of him.

There can be nothing sexier than a person with the ability to make you seen, heard and accepted for you are. 

IMO this is a good thing.

Thank you Courage. Ideally, yes. It is something I think we all want in life. A deep connection to our loved ones. I thought we were building that, but I don't know if H is capable. He keeps saying he doesn't think I love him. I don't know if I've always been the one more invested our entire relationship. So far its been a lot talk but no action on his part. H probably has no idea where to start. He doesn't love himself, which he projects on me that I don't love him enough. That I only love him when things are good and he is 'well'.

So right now we are at an impasse. I don't see us moving forward at all. I am feeling trapped again and honestly a little lost. H is fixated on finding a 'cure; for our relationship. But so far is mainly negative about it. I think his expectations of our reconnecting is so far off base from where we are that he feels it is a failure. I am hoping that when H goes back to work things will get a little better between us. Maybe H will get busy with work and take a break from trying to 'fix' us. Because right now it feels forced.

I am afraid that I have fallen out of love with H. I am struggling to find it again. Honestly right now the way H has been, it's nearly impossible to find.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #137 on: October 10, 2019, 04:26:17 PM »
Island,

Honestly, it ALL sounds like projection.
The entire thing.
He only likes himself when everything is great.
He isn’t emotionally connecting to you so that’s projected onto you.
He is clinging and needs to find his own things to do. Ect.


Maybe point out that he can only work on him, and you can only work on you.
And that he has no way to measure the love you have or don’t have for him.
There is only his perception of the love he is or isn’t getting.

I might ask why you are supposed to change your behaviors to fix HIS feelings?

You would have to be quite the mind reader to appropriately respond to his feelings with new and different behaviors every time his mood shifts.

Maybe give him that to wrestle with for a while.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #138 on: October 14, 2019, 08:47:29 AM »
I can totally understand your frustration Island. I think we’ve all been there before. But personally from my seat over here. It does seem good but it seems like you need to get figure out in yourself how you feel about him.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #139 on: October 21, 2019, 05:12:38 PM »
This past week I struggled to come to a conclusion on how I feel. I've started and stopped writing an update so many times. I finally concluded that it was best to stay silent and be still for little bit. Then H and I got into a huge all out fight on Friday night. All the same thing, nothing has changed.

I suspect H is starting another emotional affair. I find it hard to believe he can remain 'friends' with anyone and have them stay just 'friends'. I confronted H with it. He didn't like it. Tried to turn it around and make me feel like I did something wrong. I didn't back down this time and told him 'No. I am not going to be made to feel like I'm the one with the problem here. None of this is normal. I don't want to keep doing this anymore.' H didn't deny or confirm anything, but kept saying its not what I think  ??? Yea, whatever  ::).

After that H said he wasn't sure what we had was real? Um, ok. Then said, he doesn't feel like he could be open with me because he was afraid I would judge him. I just said 'no, that's your problem not mine. I have been here. You just won't let me.' H mini threatened to leave. I told him there's the door. After that he tried the 'what about the kids?' I told him 'we were fine once without you living here. you will still be apart of their lives if you leave.' H then dug his heels in and said he wasn't going anywhere ::)

So now we are kind of in a weird place. H is following me around like a lost puppy. Wanting to hug or kiss or whatever. I've made myself scarce at home. Saturday, I woke bright and early and took two of the girls with me to shop and cut my hair. I've chopped it all off ya'll. 8) Even shorter then before. I grew it out again to my mid back and cut off about 8-9 inches. I treated myself to a new outfit and bought the girls little toys and some clothes.

Sunday I left early with D5 and didn't say a word to H other then a text that she was with me. I just went to change my oil (oops, kinda been meaning to do it but got busy). Then just hung out for a bit for the rest of the morning. I didn't get back home until a little after lunch and made myself busy cooking in the kitchen. H kept coming out to chitchat and what not. I just smiled and nodded and mostly kept to myself the rest of the day.

That night D11 had soccer. I was ok sitting with H. We even shared dinner. I didn't feel anything and strangely didn't feel anything from Friday night. No panic or devastation. Yes there is some sadness, but more like a bitter sweet realization that yes this is probably as good as it gets with H. I felt like I was oddly sitting with an old acquaintance. At that moment I felt as long as there was no monster and we stayed cordial that I could co-parent with H. And maybe finally let go and say goodbye to H.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 06:06:11 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #140 on: October 22, 2019, 04:21:49 AM »
Hi Island,

Good for you for not allowing him to bully you into believing it was your fault... His whole avoidance of the issue (actions) speaks way more than his words of projection... He is now on notice that 1) you are not blind, 2) you are not a push-over, 3) you will not accept the responsibility for HIS actions and conduct, and 4) your life WILL go on, regardless of whatever he decides to do.

I love the way you shut his "what about the kids" scenario down before it gained any traction, especially when telling him that you all had done just fine without him before and would expect to do so again... ... I am sure that it was not easy to have that conversation but it was VERY well worth your time and serves to establish a set of boundaries.... and even better that you did your stuff on Sunday without taking H into account... GAL at it's finest...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #141 on: October 22, 2019, 11:33:15 AM »
Hey! Your hair looks amazing btw. I don’t know weather he is having a EA or not. I can’t tell you that but what I can say is that you handle it like a boss!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #142 on: October 23, 2019, 12:09:20 PM »
UM, its like he was trying every play in the book  ::) *gaslight, gaslight* *backpeddle, backpeddle* *love bomb, love bomb* *monster, monster* *pity party, no one loves me*. I remained calm and just spoke my truth. Firetruck his feelings, cause he took a big dump all over mine 8)

Thanks, Sacha. I love it too. It's so light and felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. A little self love does wonders for the self esteem. I literally melted into the shampoo chair after the almost half hour scalp massage I received. I walked into the house that day like a boss  ;D I'm getting used to not using so much shampoo and conditioner lol.

As far as H, well he's still the same. Timid and poking his head out to feel where I'm at. Its freaking him out that I'm so neutral. ;) I saw the messages and they weren't exactly just 'friends' type of things. Nothing sexual, but borderline the same stuff I saw to OW. (Imagine 7th grade crush texts :o). I told H no matter the intent, he disrespected me and our marriage. If it was just 'friends' why hide it and be sneaky? (H had no answer to that question. Riiigggghhht 'friends'. ::)) I did accept a lunch date from him. (free food gets me every time  ::)) It was like the other night at D11's soccer game, like I was meeting up with an old friend. No feelings of love or being 'in love' with H.

I do love him in that I care deeply about him, but its becoming more a love you would feel for a brother or sister. I fall into the camp of love is a choice. That a couple needs to put in the work to maintain their relationship. I chose to love H throughout the tumultuous past 3 years. Through the physical and emotional abuse at the height of his black out monstering. I blindly thought our love was enough. That I could pull all the weight of our R when H was not. I chose to love.

Right now I am choosing not to invest my love in H. Its not healthy attachment that we have towards one another. H cannot bear to lose me but does nothing to keep me. I'm just not willing to open myself anymore. H needs to figure out himself as well. I'm still his crutch and he needs to do this on his own.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #143 on: October 24, 2019, 02:00:00 AM »
I remember when I got mine cut off, it was nice to have a change but I found myself brushing my neck a lot 🤣

I think that’s the thing, if you want something you fight for it. You put in the effort etc etc and aside from anything, he was given a second chance so you’d expect the fight in him to be greater to push forward.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #144 on: October 24, 2019, 02:16:34 AM »
It sounds as if something has/is shifting in you, IG....maybe 'lightening' the weight of your hair is a metaphor lol...as if you are now really beginning to step back from being the 'crutch' as you say. I suspect your h won't like it much and will do a lot of things to try to keep you in that place again as you say but I'm sure that it will help you figure out how/if you choose to love him differently and above all, what loving yourself looks like in your present and future life. Which is an adventure if a scary one but one that some other LBS like Morte seem to be beginning just as you are. I hope you will keep us posted about the path you decide to take while of course your h will eventually choose his own path.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #145 on: October 24, 2019, 10:27:16 AM »
Wow Island - he wasn't sure if what you had for the last 20 years was real ? What the what.....Unbelievable.
As everyone else I am so glad that you did not buy into the it's all your fault story line or you are misreading his friendship with that other person.

You know, if indeed you are not 'in love' with him anymore - he only has himself to blame. I hope you do not feel bad / guilty for your thought process. This is your life and you deserve to feel loved and you deserve to be in love with your partner. If that is no longer him, then so be it. And again, that could change down the road, but you owe it to yourself and your kids to do what makes you happy. Life is too short and you are too amazing to just sit on the sidelines waiting to be called onto the field.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #146 on: October 24, 2019, 11:23:50 AM »
I remember when I got mine cut off, it was nice to have a change but I found myself brushing my neck a lot 🤣

I think that’s the thing, if you want something you fight for it. You put in the effort etc etc and aside from anything, he was given a second chance so you’d expect the fight in him to be greater to push forward.

I can totally relate  ;D I keep going past my hair. Even putting it up... I'm reaching for more than what is there.

Yes, H is on his 3rd...4th chance this is only counting from BD. More like I gave him too many chances and he just expects me to give him another one and another one. I do believe his intent is pure and he does put in effort until he can't. Maybe that is why I have allowed it for so long. I'm at the point where I just can't anymore.

It sounds as if something has/is shifting in you, IG....maybe 'lightening' the weight of your hair is a metaphor lol...as if you are now really beginning to step back from being the 'crutch' as you say. I suspect your h won't like it much and will do a lot of things to try to keep you in that place again as you say but I'm sure that it will help you figure out how/if you choose to love him differently and above all, what loving yourself looks like in your present and future life. Which is an adventure if a scary one but one that some other LBS like Morte seem to be beginning just as you are. I hope you will keep us posted about the path you decide to take while of course your h will eventually choose his own path.

I felt at one point enormously guilty for feeling the way I do. How dare I stop 'loving' H when he was in crisis? I was in my mind abandoning him when he needed me the most. Then something he said struck a chord in me. H said 'you were never there for me IG when I needed you most. You abandoned me and left me on my own in another state.' It was then that I realized he already felt abandoned. No matter how hard I fought for him or us. H spun his own version of his time off island and the events that led up to it. Maybe because he can't remember the worst of it. Maybe to protect his own mind from the enormous guilt he must have felt leaving his wife and children. At the end of the day still no accountability for why he ended up there and no empathy on why I chose to save myself and the kids first.

I'm still working on the loving myself Treasur, mostly the version without focusing on H. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just walk away. And at the same time can see myself doing just that. I just keep toeing the line, but not quite crossing it.

Wow Island - he wasn't sure if what you had for the last 20 years was real ? What the what.....Unbelievable.
As everyone else I am so glad that you did not buy into the it's all your fault story line or you are misreading his friendship with that other person.

You know, if indeed you are not 'in love' with him anymore - he only has himself to blame. I hope you do not feel bad / guilty for your thought process. This is your life and you deserve to feel loved and you deserve to be in love with your partner. If that is no longer him, then so be it. And again, that could change down the road, but you owe it to yourself and your kids to do what makes you happy. Life is too short and you are too amazing to just sit on the sidelines waiting to be called onto the field.


My poker face has been getting quite good. I just shook my head and smiled a little inside at that one Schratz. 20 years of make believe and playing house I suppose  ::)

I allowed H to have me ignore my intuition before. I will never ignore my gut again. H can lie to himself, but I know my truth and what I read was not only disrespectful, but it was also creepy. Like ewww… what are we in middle school? H was always a habitual line crosser with boundaries. He never set them and then cried wolf when things went too far. I was always the big bad that was a stick in the mud and was no fun.

Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes its good to hear that from an outside perspective. I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I feel like a failure at times. Slowly those feelings are less intense and more and more I feel like I need to let go. I need to do what makes me happy. My kids deserve to see that and feel that from me.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #147 on: October 24, 2019, 12:29:28 PM »
I so agree with what S said, you deserve better than this.

It's very hard to let go of a marriage, especially when you have small kids.
It's very normal to feel guilt, or that you're giving up, but try to remember you did nothing wrong.  He is the one who is messing up by his actions.  You are his wife and deserve respect.  We all do, Island.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #148 on: October 25, 2019, 06:21:39 AM »
There is nothing more unattractive than indecision and indifference.

Of course this makes dealing with MLCers extremely difficult.  ::)

We can all go through periods of it I suppose but eventually your tolerance will just give out, perhaps that is where you have arrived?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #149 on: November 05, 2019, 10:36:04 AM »
I so agree with what S said, you deserve better than this.

It's very hard to let go of a marriage, especially when you have small kids.
It's very normal to feel guilt, or that you're giving up, but try to remember you did nothing wrong.  He is the one who is messing up by his actions.  You are his wife and deserve respect.  We all do, Island.

I'm in a place where I feel I am just floating around seeing where the current takes me. I think I've finally reached a level of detachment that I didn't think I would be able to.

H's actions are his to own and I have told him to own up to his part. Bottom line is he chose to engage in questionable behavior. Point blank I said "The guilt you feel, maybe you should ask yourself why you feel guilty. It's not because of me. You felt guilty the moment you did that you knew what you were doing was hurtful so you hid it from me. That's not love or protecting me. That's looking out for the only person you care about and that's yourself."

H naturally reacted by trying to gaslight me. When he saw no reaction he retreated with his tail between his legs and we have left one another alone for a couple of days.

There is nothing more unattractive than indecision and indifference.

Of course this makes dealing with MLCers extremely difficult.  ::)

We can all go through periods of it I suppose but eventually your tolerance will just give out, perhaps that is where you have arrived?

Does that count as a love language Morte ::) The oh so subtle language of indecision and indifference.

The difference between now and a year ago was I was still terrified of losing H. I talked a big talk and thought I could go without him, but I knew it would devastate me in a way that I was not ready to deal with. I know the difference now. It will still obviously hurt, but I will move on. I push back a lot more because I'm not afraid of losing H. He was already gone.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2019, 10:37:16 AM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #150 on: November 06, 2019, 07:19:22 AM »
I think that’s the thing isn’t it. Once the fear is gone it’s easier to see wood from trees. We learn and we grow. I’ve said it to you before bhr I think it’s a gut decision. Follow that.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #151 on: November 07, 2019, 05:02:11 AM »
The difference between now and a year ago was I was still terrified of losing H. I talked a big talk and thought I could go without him, but I knew it would devastate me in a way that I was not ready to deal with. I know the difference now. It will still obviously hurt, but I will move on. I push back a lot more because I'm not afraid of losing H. He was already gone.

H is now treading dangerous waters... shark-infested waters... Because at this level of mirror work (that you will, in fact, move on and even thrive, regardless of what H chooses to do) and detachment, H has lost his hold. The Rope has been dropped and H is now adrift in stormy, OWshark-infested waters and the Island is getting farther and farther away...



And, while you are following your gut feelings, it is time for a new thread...

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #152 on: November 08, 2019, 04:29:21 AM »
Oh I love love love that you just included Duggee UM. That’s D3s fave!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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