Author Topic: My Story Thank you, next?  (Read 4553 times)

Offline JoJoJo

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My Story Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2019, 11:45:40 AM »

H made it clear he doesn't want to put an effort into our R. H said its too hard. But to see the little effort he is putting in with our kids makes me sad. Yes, he is here. He helps financially and with scheduling. But there's a but.... he doesn't sit down with them, talk with them, do activities with them. I don't think he sees it. He equates physically being there as being present.

When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2019, 12:10:10 PM »
Thanks JoJoJo, I am at the beginning of what looks like a reconnection between my H and my S.  I heard the same thing about marriage shouldn't be work.  My H was never involved with the nitty gritty of our kids' lives.  All of sudden, he is digging in with that stuff with our S (our D still won't talk to him).  It is nice to see that some of them do improve those relationships.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2019, 12:43:10 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2019, 12:49:21 PM »
Congrats on the new Hairstyle Island especially that you did it for you without a care what your H would think.
Awesome, yes those batteries can recharge quite quickly if you give them a Chance.
S18, tell me about it! S20 will be S21 next minth, time flies as they say,

Hey Whyus, missed your comment. I was a big ball of tears leading up to S18's birthday. I can vividly recall the moment he was born and they placed him on my chest. I was 16 and freaking out, but as soon as I looked at S18 I knew I could do it. I could be a great mom to him. I would protect him and love him forever. Its funny I remember saying when he was younger that in x amount of years S18 will have graduated. Now that time is almost here. Its a strange mix of feelings to want to let them go, but hold on at the same time.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 12:52:14 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2019, 12:52:00 PM »
Sorry Island, thought I was on JoJo's thread. 

Your hair is lovely by the way.  I have been following your story closely.  In many ways it is similar to the first 5 years I went through with my H when he wallowed at home, but he was cold and uncommunicative, whereas yours talks way too much and is very needy.

I'm going to say this, particularly with a clinger such as yours.  Don't fear him moving out or going dim.  I know for a fact that my H has made so much more progress since he has been out (and even living with OW2 which I don't love for obvious reasons) than he did the years and years he wallowed at home and used me as his figurative punching bag.  As long as the fantasy of that other perfect life exists in their head, they can't move anywhere.  Nothing brings reality faster than spending time by yourself or moving in with some woman who will become more and more demanding over time.

You are such a strong lady and I love reading about your life with the kids.  Focus on that part for now.  Let him be the little gnat buzzing around in the background until he pulls his head out of you know where.

LOL its ok  ;) I follow along an a lot of other threads, including yours. I don't always comment, but love to absorb everyone's situation and of course offer virtual support. I was terrified of H leaving right after BD. Now not so much. I think it might be good for both of us. So we'll see. Thanks for following along.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2019, 01:00:01 PM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2019, 02:58:14 AM »
When my H was full on MLC and having his affair that I was unaware of, he would say "Marriage shouldn't be work, if you are happy it just happens naturally" 

Of course once he got his mind back in reality and almost lost his family he changed his tune.  This past Sunday in therapy he said that yes, he is exhausted at all the work he has to do in life right now.  Working on rebuilding our marriage, working on parenting the kids, and working at actual work but....he now realizes it is just part of life.  Very refreshing to hear!

He was very disconnected from our kids.  Really he was only Mr. Fun Guy.....there for movies, dinners out, etc....  But recently he joined me in figuring out assigning chores to the kids, making them contribute around the house with consequences.  He is the one who laid out the plan and told the kids last night exactly how it was all going to be around the house. 

So there is hope.....  That is all I want to give you.... a glimmer of hope!  (((HUGS)))  MLC sucks!

Thanks Jo.... H kind of expects everything to be so easy. Maybe because I always made things too easy for him  ::) When the kids were younger they were easier to entertain, no substance was needed. H forgets that they aren't little anymore. They can't be bought or won over after the fun ends. H likes to be Mr. Fun guy. I'm the mean enforcer most of the time  :( but recently I've been looked at as the more balanced parent so the kids know my tough love comes from that, a place of love. H just comes off as grumpy to them. I think because he gives no explanation after he disciplines them. Its more 'cause I said so'.

Its nice to see that there is hope. I just hope it doesn't come too late. Especially when it comes to the kids. MLC sucks majorly  ::)

Jo,

I think that is script for many MLC'ers. I got that one too "If the R is work, there is something wrong..." Well... yeah, that is why you WORK at it...

IG,
Ironically, while STBX and I were together, I was the enforcer... She laid down the rules but I had to enforce them... She complained I wasn't involved in the kids lives but I was the one who went to all the parent meetings, I was the one who volunteered in their classes or Kindergarten, I was the one that got them up and out of bed, dressed and off to school/kindergarten. When she decided to leave, everyone assumed that the kids woudl stay with me because sshe was never a part of anything outside of the house... One of her Reasons du Jour for leaving was that I was "too strict with the kids." until they told MIL that they liked staying with Daddy because he is not as strict as Mama." That didn't go over well with STBX...

My IC also said that is is virtually ALWAYS easier for the enforcer to be fun and loving  than for the fun and loving one to have to become an enforcer... She said that the usual thing is for the enforcement to be WAY over the top and without reasons (sound familiar?)

I see that in my R with my kids.... I have my rules and those rules have consequences for breaking them... the consequences are always the same and they are always applied.... With STBX, sometimes the rules are enforeced, sometimes not. When they are, it might be 20 lashes with a wet noodle one time and the next time

so there is no consistency....

Better to be the stable, consistent, and loving parent with rules in my book...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2019, 04:51:25 PM »
I'm back to fill in the happenings from this past weekend. Friday I left work early to get some grocery shopping done. I wanted to start meal prepping again so I bought a whole lotta lettuce, spinach, kale, tomatoes... I'm doing the mason salad jar thing. I noticed how much I love grocery shopping now that I go without H. Its been almost a year of me doing it without him and only now I realize how I don't feel rushed or that I'm a burden because I'm taking time away from H's gaming or sports center.

Even when H went with me, he was useless. He didn't bother comparing prices or substituting something that wasn't available. If I didn't explicitly write the brand, size, or price he would be lost. I tried to show him what I do and I was by no means OCD about it. Just get it done was how I felt, but H always said 'I'll just push the cart'.

With the kids, everyone knows how shopping with kids are, it takes a little longer but I like to assign them with helping get stuff off the list. Let them see how I pick produce and let them weigh it. Have them figure out how much 2lbs of apples will cost. Let them pay for their treats. H never has the patience for that. I just think back on how it felt when I was a little kid, how important I felt when I got to do things like that. I just want them to feel that way too.

H came home with S18 and quickly said 'is it ok if I go out with my coworkers for a couple drinks.' I didn't want H to go out, but I felt stuck in that impossible situation that if I say no, I'm controlling. I just told H to do what he wanted. H asked 'are you alright?' I just nodded. I went to bed at 10:30 pm. H was still not home even though he said he would not be out late. I woke up at 2:30 am and H was no where to be found. I called, no answer. I texted, no answer. Then I got pissed. I called 4 times with no answer. I texted H, where the firetruck are you and who the firetruck are you with? I then texted we have responsibilities, S18 has to be at a school thing at 8am and you said you have to 'work' at 7 am. I told H I hope it was worth it goodbye.

H came home at 5:30 am. H woke me up and asked what my problem was. I told him that he was not sticking to our agreement and that I'm pissed because its not ok to disappear and act like a single man with no responsibilities. H apologized, but said he didn't want to come home. I said 'Fine, we can make that every night if you want. You don't have to ever come home then.' H said 'I said I'm sorry.' I told H 'You say you're sorry, but are you? I don't think so. You just want me to let it go. Do you know how triggering this is for me? I don't think you give a $h!t that I'm here while you do whatever you want.'

H said 'If you weren't ok with me not going out why didn't you say so?' I told H 'Because then I'm just a b!tch who won't let you have fun. You wanted to go out fine, but you are not responsible enough to say when. You got sh!t faced and disappeared. Just like when we were in our 20s. When are you going to grow up?' H just said 'I am sorry for making you worry. I was not with anyone. I left the bar at midnight and went to the beach to sleep. I didn't hear my phone or see your messages until this morning. What else do you want from me?' I told H 'Nothing. I don't want anything.'

After that I got up, put my big girl pants on and brushed off the whole interaction with H. Took S18 to his school thing, came home got D11 ready for her game. H met us at D11's game. Tried to make small chitchat with me. I ignored him. Luckily had the other mom's as a distraction. H slunk away early to get something to eat and I met H at S18's game after. I sat with one of the mom's there and had a good time talking story with her. After S18's game ended I left the field and didn't say a word to H.

At home H kept trying to talk to me. H was still giving me attitude so I just gave him one word answers and pretty much kept to myself. I felt like why are you trying to talk to me if you are going to cop an attitude with me the whole time? :o Its not cute, its annoying.

Surprisingly H invited me to go out for lunch on Sunday. I was kind of hesitant when giving my answer. H said 'Well if you don't want to then never mind.' I told H ok, if he wants me to come. H said 'I want you to come.' Lunch was ok. H tried to be chatty during the car ride, but I was busy texting my BFF A. I answered and acknowledged that I was listening to H. H was more curious who I was talking to. I don't play games, so I told H it was A. H then continued to be chatty during lunch.

H decided he needed 'alone' time and left us at home to go to the beach. I spent the afternoon meal prepping my mason jar salads. I grilled some chicken and steak. Got dinner ready and cleaned the kitchen. By the time I finished it was after 6 pm. H came home by then and was apprehensive in approaching me. H still gave off an attitude. Normally I would give it right back to him, but I realized it wasn't attitude rather H was being standoffish in anticipation of me picking a fight with him. Like he was preparing for a battle or something.

I decided to switch it up and took a soft gentle approach. Asking H how was his time at the beach. How was the weather...blah blah... small talk. H instantly softened. I allowed H to tell me about the rest of his day and then before H thought I was being too interested in his life, I told H I was going to shower and walked away. I left H to be and H decided to seek me out. I was in my room. H popped in and asked if he could join me on my game. I told him 'why didn't you just message me that instead of walking all the way upstairs?' H said 'I text you.' I heard my phone go off a minute ago, didn't look at it right away. Couldn't wait a minute for a response? ::)

I told H 'Up to you if you want to jump in.' H then asked me over the mic 'Everything ok with you? You seem distant.' I told H 'I'm good. Why?' H said 'I don't know. Just making sure.' Ummmm... ok then. H checked in on me during bed time. Asked again if I was alright... that I seemed cold... did you need another blanket. I told H I was ok. Thanks for checking. H lingered and then went to bed.  ???

This morning H actually said goodbye. Normally he's running out the door. I haven't really heard from him, but I've been busy and he said he will be busy too. I actually got work done today without interruptions.  8) I'll admit this weekend I was very weepy and sadz all over. I didn't let H see that though. I guess I just always feel left out by him. I felt lonely because he's here but not. I feel much better today, but those weepy cycles really do suck. At least they are getting farther and fewer in between.
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2019, 05:37:19 AM »
Late to the party and just catching up, like the new hair look. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline islandgirl68Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thank you, next?
« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2019, 12:00:15 PM »
H said something last night. He asked to hold my hand. I obliged. H said it felt different, that everything between us was never going to be the same. I told H 'Yes. Things are different. Things will never be the same as before.' H said 'I'm mostly to blame for that.' I did not agree or disagree. After a moment of silence H continued 'I miss us from before.' I think I kind of sighed because H asked what was that supposed to mean.

I said 'H listen and listen hard and good. Things are forever changed and will never be how they were no matter how much we want it to be. But the thing about it is that change isn't always a bad thing. Its up to you to decide if how I have changed and how you have changed will be viewed, good or bad.' H got silent again, still holding my hand. I was not going to elaborate more because how I view H and his handling of blowing up our lives is completely opposite of how H see things. No matter how many times I try to get H to see from my point of view, he won't.

After that we went to bed. I allowed H to sleep next to me. Him on one side and I on the other. It is not up to be to have H lower his guard and break down his walls. I envision it as being me in a catapult, hurling myself at a wall and in the end I will be the one hurt in the process. I won't break myself apart anymore for H.

I do question, why blame the LBS? Why is there so much anger towards us? I know there are things that I contributed, but H never told me. I was too clingy. I never gave H space. I was really dependent on him. I do see that. I also did not tell H things that he did to push me away. I did not tell him the things he did that contributed to our strain in our R. When H mentions that we never fought before I remind him now that was because I didn't stand up for myself. I just let things slide. I gave into H to keep the peace. I don't want be that person anymore. I got resentful and checked out of our R for a little bit. Its sad that I don't think H even noticed. Or maybe he did because it was around that time H pushed really hard for us to make things official and get married.

I'm sorry for being all over the place, but that is the way my brain is at the moment. I recall when H brought up marriage. I felt sick. Like physically sick. I knew I loved H. I was still deeply in love with him and to some extent I know that it is still there, but currently shoved down so that I can detach. I think in the back of my mind, getting married would trap me. I saw how much it meant to H and agreed anyway. Against my own gut feeling. The two years we planned our wedding, I pushed through. The closer our wedding date got the more anxiety about it went away. 6 months prior to our wedding date I finally felt like I made the right decision. H started listening more and I thought our R was changing for the better.

I just wish I knew what happened. I wish I could pin point the how and why. I could drive myself crazy with the why. H doesn't even know why. His only answer was that he was not happy. That he was tired of being someone he was not. You know the whole 'You've always been too good for me Island.' I guess his 16 year act had me fooled. For 16 years prior to BD, it must have been exhausting H  ::) I know, I know, H has scrambled eggs for brains. It does not change how hurtful it is to hear that some one you care about feels like they would not be liked for being themselves. That I didn't love him for who he was, flaws and all.

I can see know that H held me on this impossible pedestal of being 'too good and pure.' That for 19 years now that by being myself and sticking to my morals (not to cheat, steal, lie...all that jazz) makes me Saint Island. The fact that I'm human and have flaws that I guess H was blind too up until BD, makes H feel like he's the one who's been bamboozled. I am not a saint. I am not all good and I am not all bad. I feel H has me on this impossible standard that I am doomed to fail no matter what I do. When I think about it too much I scream in my head "what the heck do you want from me?" and to echo H "no matter what I do, its not enough."



« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 12:25:27 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D9; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
H is still as lost as ever

 

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