Author Topic: My Story BURNING MAN 4  (Read 2110 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2019, 10:46:32 AM »
Oh Anjae, Watcher isn't moving anywhere.

A lot of what Watcher says, is said tongue in cheek.  I highly doubt he stares at himself in the mirror all day long.

I happen to think his activities are healthy.  He burned off his anxieties in a constructive way, which is healthy.

No matter what Watcher does will not change the fact that his son is underage, you're right, but it also doesn't change the fact that he can not contact him either.

I hope you are not implying I am not being a friend to Watcher, or not being honest with him.  He can assure you that is not the case.  We have conversations no one sees, or knows about, where we discuss many things other than his races, but they are private and it's up to him if he wants to talk about them.
Sorry I don't mean to sound like I'm being smug, you and I have had many private conversation we don't bring to the board.

I only talk about public things on his thread.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2019, 10:52:48 AM »
Hi Anjae, Thunder.

I talk to someone offline about mlc. I don't like talking about it here too much anymore because my opinion really doesn't matter nor does the forum's opinion on W. It's her life that she needs to figure out for herself.

I'm trying just to focus on my life because that's what matters. So I know someone else, not Thunder, who knows everything about me and I ask her all the time. What does this forum not understand about my situation ? I think I've been pretty clear.

I also talk to Thunder about other things offline that are not discussed here. There's a lot here that can't be discussed unfortunately.

I'm going to tell you some things but I don't want a debate about my W. Here we go. She is dabbling in EMDR Therapy for childhood trauma regarding her caregiver. She is also doing something with PTSD.

She is also doing something with emotional abuse recovery and narc recovery. She has been doing this since we parted ways. She was doing this all last Fall before she came for me in Nov.

Nov needed to happen for the both of us. In all that craziness she delivered what she needed to say to me.

Now. What is more important here ? What is the greater good ? I understand clearly as an educated person what she is doing. MIL doesn't understand.

So if I go to the house there will be conflict thus disturbing my W. Do you see that ? I'm thinking big picture. It's my sacrifice that I'm making for my family. I want my boys to have a mother again. They already have a father.

I disturbed her/ we disturbed each other in November and I will not allow it again. She has work to do and still has a lot of anger towards me. IDK what's in her head.

Maybe, just maybe, she finds her sons again in my complete absence.  ;D I'm going to let her do her thing.

Meanwhile I have to live my life as best as I can because it's not easy making the decision that I have made. I want the boys to have a mom again. That's what I want for them.

So I will leave my family alone. Again it's only been 3 months. Let the woman figure herself out. I'm not going to discuss anymore what she is doing to help herself.

I have to focus on myself and maybe she will update me again at some point.

Thanks




Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2019, 11:03:58 AM »
I probably should not stick my nose in here, but I can't help it...

Anjae, what would you suggest Watcher do?

This is one of the things that has really driven me nuts about this place (HS), is the contradictions that I never saw before that are now plain as day:

If someone takes up an old hobby that they haven't done in years, oh...they must be in replay having a MLC.
If someone takes up a hobby that they have never done before, oh...they must be having a MLC.

How can you armchair diagnose someone across the internet with something that isn't even diagnosable in the first place???

I used to post in Watcher's thread quite often.  Probably because I could relate to his story better than most.  I recognized his W's behavior in my own Ex's.  But I dare say in his case, his W is MUCH more dangerous than mine EVER was.

She clearly has no reservations about calling the cops on him for petty reasons.  She has no reservations of getting him fired.  She has no reservations about anything when it pertains to him, even if its to her own or her children's detriment.  I've see this behavior many times before (although not as extreme).  Its the "I have to WIN at ANY cost, no matter who gets in the way" type mentality.

I think some posters really do not understand the gravity of his situation.  He CANNOT go back to his house.  Doing so puts his freedom (jail), and income (job) at risk.  He has no real recourse here, except LEGAL.  And even then, its pretty much too late as I see it.  Even if he takes the legal route, his children are old enough to decide for themselves who they want to live with/spend time with etc.  And I FIRMLY believe his W is absolutely guilty of parental alienation.  Even if she doesn't do it consciously, I believe her to do it at an unconscious level.  IE:  I am mad at watcher, therefore the children should be too.  It takes an aweful lot to undo that type of brainwashing.  So even if he went the legal route, I'm sure the kids would follow their mother's lead.  Not that it matters anymore (sorry Watcher), but I am a firm believer that he should have got a D a long time ago.  But it wouldn't make a scrap of difference with the children now.

So what is he supposed to do in the meantime?  Stay put?  Sit by the phone and wait for them to one day realize he isn't the monster their mom probably makes him out to be?

I believe he has done what he needs to do.  Let the kids know he is there if they need him.  At this point, that is all he can do.  In the mean time, he should not put his life on hold just because he has one "child" that is slightly under "legal" age.  He needs to live his life.

Back on what I said originally-Ive seen it a few times now.....There seems to be a very fine line between GALing and having a MLC.  Sometimes I think that line gets blurred.  As long as he isn't taking up a girlfriend while he is still married, and is not self-medicating, I don't see the problem.  Do I think his gym sessions are a bit excessive?  Sure.  But if he enjoys it, why not.  At least its healthy.  I have gym membership too, but I rarely go.  I HATE it.  I do it because I feel i NEED to at my age and with my poor health choices (I smoke).  If I ENJOYED IT, hell I'd probably be there all the time too.

FWIW, I bought a Harley last year.  Only rode a motorcycle ONCE in my entire life prior.  So I must be going through a second MLC...

Off my soapbox.

-T

PS  If I come across as passionate in my reply, its because I am.  I am in a similar situation with my kids.  Pretty much estranged from all of them except the little one.  I could have gone broke in court fighting a losing battle.  I chose to live to fight another day.  In the mean time, I am getting on with my life, and I would hope Watcher does the same.

EDIT:  I apologize Watcher if I have offended you or your W's honor in any way.  It is not my intention to bad-mouth you or your spouse.  I am just calling things as *I* see it, based upon information that you have chosen to share over the course of your stay at HS.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 11:15:50 AM by terrified_in_TN »

Online BrenM

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #13 on: March 01, 2019, 11:28:14 AM »
Watcher that is fantastic news that W is seeking professional help for her PTSD and emotional abuse.  I sincerely hope that she fights her way through this....the boys need her and you!   She certainly sounds as though she is doing her mirror work which is a great achievement and positive step.

Out of curiosity are you seeking professional help for your abuse issues? Emotional and physical abuse trauma doesn’t go away by itself and needs to be addressed professionally!
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 12:08:54 PM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline Anjae

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2019, 12:06:16 PM »
I don't suggest Watcher to do anything, other than not give up on his boys.

HS is a forum. No voice tone, no expression, if someone writes they are giving up on their kids and move to CA without some emojis that allow for better compreension - or say, just jocking,, all that is "I'm giving up on the boys and moving to CA".

Still, none of that changes the obvious MLC signs. Unless the gym, races, the big importance on physical appearance, etc. are also tongue in cheek. 

Sometimes the lines do blur and sometimes GALing is in fact a midlife crisis or a life crisis. If GALing is excessive, it tends to be a sign of crisis/doing it to run from something.

I was always going out and about during my crisis. And I mean, always, like seven days a week. If that was not a crisis, I don't know what it was. I am sure the other people who were doing the same found it normal, but there was nothing normal about it.

Glad to know your wife is seeking help for her PTSD and emotional abuse, watcher.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #15 on: March 01, 2019, 12:30:35 PM »
I didn't want to reveal anything because that starts the  expectations and I don't have any. I dont want to even think about it. It's her business. I will just say my W has her own life and I have my own life and we will both find our sons.

I had to come out and say something because people think I'm going off the cliff, lol. Look Thunder is a personal friend. A friend that I have made for life. Until she gets rid of me. ::)

Thunder really means the world to me. She has been the most influential part of my recovery from day one. Thunder also knows way too much about me.  ;D

Thunder will never allow me to get out of control and she would tell me if I said or did anything wrong. I have a great deal of respect for her. She has spent a lot of time helping me through the years and offering wonderful advice.

Believe me I will hear it from her.  ::) I have no secrets from her. She's sees my world and she will know if I get out of line.

I briefly saw Harley Davidson and I have questions so I will be back later.  ;D

Thanks


Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #16 on: March 01, 2019, 02:19:41 PM »
Happy BDay Watcher!

Seriously though, why must you always stir sh!te up? Kidding of course.  Look, I think LBS have crises too. It is like we are getting new legs and need to figure out how to use them.  What fits in this new life? What doesn't? And in your case, "How do I stay out of jail?" Too soon?

Anyway, FWIW, I think you are doing the best with the hand you have. And I am the quintessential Mama-Lion. I've even gotten on my soap box with you about your boys. I quickly apologized when I saw my own projection/arrogance/judgment/etc...

Finally, you can't be seriously considering Long Beach over Big Sur/Monterey half?  Hands down, MONTEREY! And I'm not just saying that b/c I'm a Nor-Cal gal.  And this is huge considering my MLCH did that half in the very beginning of his replay with OW. (It is how I realized that you can run a lot and still be fat--sorry I'm in a petty bi!chy mood today)

Anyway, stay strong friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online BrenM

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2019, 03:28:01 PM »

Anyway, FWIW, I think you are doing the best with the hand you have. And I am the quintessential Mama-Lion. I've even gotten on my soap box with you about your boys. I quickly apologized when I saw my own projection/arrogance/judgment/etc...

 

Kit I love your terminology of being the quintessential Mama-Lion.  This term refers to me also.  It is for this reason that I “can’t” apologise to Watcher for any of my posts about his boys.  I am definitely not judging Watcher or being arrogant with my comments.  I write out of pure concern for Watchers 2 boys.  I am extremely passionate about this issue.  I know how abandonment - temporary or permanent affects the child/adult.  The effects are permanent and the scars run deep.

I have been appalled by some posters comments to Watcher regarding his boys.  To these posters I urge you to do some research - the Internet will provide you with the relevant information. Better still talk to people who have experienced parental abandonment!

I have much experience in watching the emotional trauma that children (who grow into adults) suffer as a result of abandonment.  It is very real and it will not go away...not ever.  It is totally irrelevant as the reasoning behind why a parent abandons their children. The fact is that they have!  Abandonment can be actual physical abandonment or emotional abandonment. The effects are the same to the child.   

I will never be able to understand how or justify any parent can abandon their own child under any circumstances.  Yes they may provide justification why they “had” to do it...but that justification takes in no responsibility or accountability to what THEY are doing to an innocent child/teenager/adult child. 

The consequences of a child's abandonment are huge and unimaginable. In society there are many emotionally starved children, who are confused and unstable, and will suffer lasting psychological effects.  Child neglect or abandonment is a crisis in our society. 

Parents don’t get to decide when they don’t want to parent anymore...being a parent is a lifelong contract...a very rewarding one when you parent well!



« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 08:37:05 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #18 on: March 01, 2019, 04:00:36 PM »

Parents don’t get to decide when they don’t want to parent anymore...being a parent is a lifelong contract...a very rewarding one when you parent well!

I agree. Most rewarding!! And please know that I was referring to my OWN arrogance/projection/judgment, and would never call out any other poster. I am no one to judge anyone. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 4
« Reply #19 on: March 01, 2019, 04:08:00 PM »
LOL KIT,

My thread has a life of it's own and stirs it's own sh!te.  ::) You are absolutely correct. Big Sur/Monterey is listed as a bucket list race and its downright beautiful so that is my choice. I will be there in November.

Traditionally that's a mania month anyway so it will work out for me.  ;D My co worker turned me onto Big Sur.

Thanks KIT


 

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