Author Topic: My Story And the drama carries on....  (Read 3234 times)

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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My Story And the drama carries on....
« on: March 01, 2019, 07:23:31 PM »
Mods, please link this

Thanx in advance xxx


Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10667.0
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 07:37:12 PM by Thunder »

Online Milly

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2019, 03:03:43 AM »
Joining your new thread, Mego. Regarding your H crying at your S's show, I get emotional this way when I see one of my kids doing something that makes me proud. You say your H did not cry in the past at your S's shows, well maybe he was feeling vulnerable this time. Maybe he's not as happy as he appears and when he saw your S perform so well, the emotions overwhelmed him and he broke down.

As for his comment about your S's talent coming from you, that is lovely. Perhaps that day he had an opening in the fog that allowed him to remember your positive attributes and had him missing his S. This is good.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #2 on: March 02, 2019, 03:22:08 AM »
Coming along mego xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #3 on: March 02, 2019, 04:47:55 AM »
Mego-I have a question. What makes you think your H is having an MLC? Until now, you have not posted anything that points toward that. Yes, he had an affair. But beyond that you have described absolutely nothing that would make me think he is specifically having an MLC and not an exit affair. He keeps in touch with your son twice a day with phone calls. He drives a long distance to watch his shows. This suggests his relationship with your son remains as solid as it can be in spite of the distance.

Moreover, I do not see any behavior you have attributed to your ILs that suggests they are narcissistic. Proud, doting grandparents. But if they are proud and bragging about their grandson, then they AREN'T narcissistic, because in that case they would be bragging about themselves. Just because they talk about driving from Upstate NY, doesn't make them narcissistic. They may be just trying to make smalltalk with others. It's not like they flew in on their private jet from Paris and bragged about that.

You send him nasty text messages and make angry comments and he zips his lips in response. He does not take your bait.

I don't think this is what any of us have experienced with an MLCer.

Can you give us any examples of MLC-like behavior? Because until now I am not seeing any besides the fact he had an affair and left.

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #4 on: March 02, 2019, 07:05:59 AM »
I am 150% certain that XH is in MLC.

I have posted about receiving phone calls from the "Prisoner" personality, on several occasions.  I witnessed the incident that ignited his whole MLC.  Hell, I even WATCHED him go into it!  A real, true physical transformation that I have even demonstrated for S15.  It freaked me out as I had no idea what was happening to him (Brain aneyrism?).  I wish I had videotaped it, but I was too afraid of "interrupting."

RE: My XIL's, please google Narcissistic families.  It is a whole dysfunctional dynamic that I've only learned about since all of this happened.

I am as sure it's MLC as the sky is blue.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 08:27:57 AM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2019, 07:22:34 AM »
As for his comment about your S's talent coming from you, that is lovely. Perhaps that day he had an opening in the fog that allowed him to remember your positive attributes and had him missing his S. This is good

Thanx, Milly....

Yeah, it was kind of a "moment."  He said something similar after S15 played Shrek last year, but back then I was in my car and he was standing outside, so less of an "intimate" conversation.  Plus, he didn't cry then, either. 

Last night marked the first real convo I've had with him since the D went final, and actually, the first real convo I've had with him since BD.  Everything else had either been a bickering spat, and/or begging & pleading.   And for one brief shining moment, I was talking to the "real" person - not an MLC personality.

It was kind of out of a movie.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 07:42:30 AM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #6 on: March 02, 2019, 08:44:03 AM »
Mego,

What did you mean by a real, true physical transformation before your eyes?

I saw my H change into a stranger but it was over time.  I saw no physical transformation right away.
I saw him change his looks over time, like cutting all his gray hair off, working out to get in shape (or look younger) and wearing teenager clothes.  Then he did look physically different.  But he made himself look different.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online barbiedoll

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #7 on: March 02, 2019, 08:59:13 AM »
Quote
I saw no physical transformation right away.
.

I am curious as well about this . I did not see any immediate changes . I did see a very different look in his eyes, but nothing else .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Acorn

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2019, 09:09:28 AM »
Quote
I saw no physical transformation right away.
.

I am curious as well about this . I did not see any immediate changes . I did see a very different look in his eyes, but nothing else .

I am curious as well.  I saw the same as Thunder and Barbie had. 
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 09:10:36 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2019, 09:13:35 AM »
What makes you think your H is having an MLC? Until now, you have not posted anything that points toward that. Yes, he had an affair.

I beg to differ here, but what difference does it make? Our purpose is not to diagnose others, but to provide support and encouragement.

After all, my advice to Mego would still be the exact same, let go of the rope, start doing things that help you and your son, and start living a life as if they are not ever coming back.

He keeps in touch with your son twice a day with phone calls. He drives a long distance to watch his shows. This suggests his relationship with your son remains as solid as it can be in spite of the distance.

I don't get this perspective. The man abandoned his son to go shack up with his honey. It's not like he is in the military or had to leave the area for employment. Two phone calls a day doesn't make a father. I've never met the man, don't know what is said on the calls, or see any of the body language. Truly, does he call his son out of love and concern, or does he do it to alleviate his guilt? I don't know, I am not a mind reader.

Quote
You send him nasty text messages and make angry comments and he zips his lips in response. He does not take your bait.

Monster does not always appear in MLC. I do agree that the angry text messages and comments do no good. It would be much better to come on the forum to vent your anger and frustration.

I posted often the desire to stone OM. Hit in the head with a one to three pound stone. Wanted to fly over England in a jet and try to hit him with blue ice after hitting flush. Thought about kidnapping both he and my ex and leaving them in Saudi Arabia with signs around both their necks "We are adulterers". Even searched online about voodoo curses as well. In fact, if anything ever happens bad to my ex or OM, my site postings and computer searches would lead to my immediate arrest.

However, to my ex, I was always detached. Even post marriage, I am fair. Paid every cent of child support and alimony on time. Did all the court documents to separate or assets per the agreement. Her disabled parking tag mailed to my house, mailed it to her immediately. Why? Because I was not going to let her bad behavior define mine.

I got a life. I pulled myself off the mat and from the brink of bankruptcy. That was six years ago. In fact, today is the anniversary of my SIL's death. I was heartbroken and defeated. Just reflected on that-sorry for the break in continuity.

We want Mego to do the same. I want her to post of the things she is doing for herself. I don't care if it's getting her nails done. Just starting to live again-for herself.

In my opinion, that is the why we post,

((((Ready))))


"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2019, 09:21:55 AM »
What makes you think your H is having an MLC? Until now, you have not posted anything that points toward that. Yes, he had an affair.

I beg to differ here, but what difference does it make? Our purpose is not to diagnose others, but to provide support and encouragement.

After all, my advice to Mego would still be the exact same, let go of the rope, start doing things that help you and your son, and start living a life as if they are not ever coming back.

He keeps in touch with your son twice a day with phone calls. He drives a long distance to watch his shows. This suggests his relationship with your son remains as solid as it can be in spite of the distance.

I don't get this perspective. The man abandoned his son to go shack up with his honey. It's not like he is in the military or had to leave the area for employment. Two phone calls a day doesn't make a father. I've never met the man, don't know what is said on the calls, or see any of the body language. Truly, does he call his son out of love and concern, or does he do it to alleviate his guilt? I don't know, I am not a mind reader.

Quote
You send him nasty text messages and make angry comments and he zips his lips in response. He does not take your bait.

Monster does not always appear in MLC. I do agree that the angry text messages and comments do no good. It would be much better to come on the forum to vent your anger and frustration.

I posted often the desire to stone OM. Hit in the head with a one to three pound stone. Wanted to fly over England in a jet and try to hit him with blue ice after hitting flush. Thought about kidnapping both he and my ex and leaving them in Saudi Arabia with signs around both their necks "We are adulterers". Even searched online about voodoo curses as well. In fact, if anything ever happens bad to my ex or OM, my site postings and computer searches would lead to my immediate arrest.

However, to my ex, I was always detached. Even post marriage, I am fair. Paid every cent of child support and alimony on time. Did all the court documents to separate or assets per the agreement. Her disabled parking tag mailed to my house, mailed it to her immediately. Why? Because I was not going to let her bad behavior define mine.

I got a life. I pulled myself off the mat and from the brink of bankruptcy. That was six years ago. In fact, today is the anniversary of my SIL's death. I was heartbroken and defeated. Just reflected on that-sorry for the break in continuity.

We want Mego to do the same. I want her to post of the things she is doing for herself. I don't care if it's getting her nails done. Just starting to live again-for herself.

In my opinion, that is the why we post,

((((Ready))))

Agreed. Ready, I am glad you said this first, but I will take it there and go a step further. Goner, there is blunt and there is rude. Please take a look at the way that you speak to people and the way you voice your opinion because you are consistently on the side of rude, bordering on mean, instead of just blunt.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2019, 09:24:34 AM »
I don’t think I saw a physical change but what I witnessed was a change in his demeanour. The way he walked and stood was different. The expressions on his face were different. His eyes were different. I often wondered if it was just me who saw it but his family also the change. His own mother said it was like he was possessed by the devil and his sister said he’s angry at the world. Friends who have recently seen him say he just looks different from how he looked when he was with you. His face is different, he looks haggard and disheveled- but said they can’t put specific finger on what’s changed apart from that- just that he looks different. The obvious weight loss but also I think his face just looks defensive & angry. They said he doesn’t look happy. So sometimes it’s not obvious physical change that makes someone look different- it’s all these subtleties that add up to make the transformation.

I’m not sure that proves that he’s not having a MLC. There’s no sign on their foreheads and we often say no one else can see the crazy and to outside world they look normal.

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2019, 09:27:52 AM »
I didn’t see an instantaneous change either, but I did see what others describe we are slowly over a fairly short period of time, his whole demeanor changed and the shark eyes came out.

 Some people who have known him as long as I have have commented that now he looks more puffy, almost bloated and there’s something different but no one can pinpoint it. But the biggest change I saw was slowly over the course of a year he just became more grumpy and angry. And then after BD he just became someone I don’t even know. Empty eyes, completely different personality. In the beginning the mood changes were like a roller coaster but those stopped eventually.

I can’t really say anything about him now because I haven’t seen him in person in so long.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2019, 09:33:07 AM »
When my xH was coming around a lot in 2012 there were days that were very much the "sudden" changes (gave me a ton of hope!). I treasured those times. They were in stark contrast to how he might act the next day, week, etc. No expectations, but great things to observe. He also had prior to BD had the awareness of being trapped in something.

Mego, you don't have to justify anything about MLC or your beliefs here. There are many things on your threads that are not just exit affair oriented. Extreme things even, I think, that prove there's something much more at play with your H. We get it. At least most of us do. ;)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

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Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2019, 09:39:05 AM »
Hey mego. Although these moments when they actually seem sane are nice, they often sent me over analyzing every word said, every gesture and expression. I couldn’t help myself and I have really good LBSer friends who did the same.

I also would crash after such encounters. I wasn’t detached enough to handle his showing kindness to me.

Just in case you experience this. It really is a rollercoaster.

Goner. When someone is hurting a little empathy can really help them. Totally agree with ready. No one could positively say that their spouse is having a MLc or not. We can only look at the behaviors and symptoms which look similar for individuals in crisis and yes it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that our families have been destroyed and our marriages are over. Our spouses do not live with us, they have divorced us without any discussion or willingness to at least attempt to resolve whatever the problem was after long time happy marriages.

I recoiled at your words, maybe he just left you to have an affair. Really hurtful to someone who is struggling with the reality that against her will she was divorced.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 09:41:06 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2019, 09:41:30 AM »
My H stonewalled me when I went off on him too. I have stopped doing that though I am further along in the process. But I would rage text him about his "choices" and he would simply ignore. Which, in my opinion, is far worse than anything Monster can say. It shows an utter lack of caring which is excruciating.


Also, my H got the shark eyes bad. They are somewhat gone. But he is a crier for sure. Especially when reminded of his prior life. Remember, they are in escape and avoid land. Any semblance of their old lives at this point in the journey reminds them not only of what they threw away, but their actions in particular that caused it. And they will run from that guilt and shame at all costs.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2019, 09:46:57 AM »
KIT, yes!!!  Being ignored is by far the worst. In the very very early days, like the first three weeks, I sent angry messages that were absolutely completely ignored. I will never forget how bad that hurt. But it taught me really fast to just stop contacting because it was only going to hurt me more.

The crying thing, like I said I haven’t seen him in a long time. But when I did see him, right up to the day that he came over to tell me that he was moving 1000 miles away, he would not say the word divorce and every time I mentioned our marriage being over his eyes would immediately fill with tears. The last time I saw him in person, I asked him why he was moving to be with his OW without divorcing me. He started to cry and had to leave the room.

 Early on, I had angrily told him to stop calling me by his nickname for me. I told him he doesn’t get to call me that anymore and that that is a nickname used only by people who love and respect me. Months later, he called me by that nickname when we were having a face-to-face discussion and then broke down in tears and said “even though you told me not to call you that anymore.“

I tend to think now he does not cry when he thinks of anything about me. But for at least the first 18 months or two years, he welled up a lot.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2019, 09:51:55 AM »
My daughter has told me several times when her father has cried when he is with her or on the phone. I had only seen him cry once in 35?years. He definitely was NOT a crying man.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2019, 10:08:43 AM »
I don't get this perspective. The man abandoned his son to go shack up with his honey. It's not like he is in the military or had to leave the area for employment. Two phone calls a day doesn't make a father. I've never met the man, don't know what is said on the calls, or see any of the body language. Truly, does he call his son out of love and concern, or does he do it to alleviate his guilt? I don't know, I am not a mind reader.

I totally agree.  Its very narrow minded to think that just becasue they don’t completely abandon their children that they are not having a MLC.  My H sees his children but its comepletly on his terms, selfish and to save face.  If you reread MLC blog list- it does state that they fear a loss of status and reputation rather something physical.  He is also walking around trying to still be old H that everyone admired and looked up to- he cant let people see the monster.

  Pre MLC H was a doting selfless father. The kind that people would notice and say- hes such a good dad and husband.  He was perfect.  He is far from that now but cant let others see it (although his actions mean he has fallen from that pedalstal- but he cant see it).  Im glad in some ways that he hasnt abandoned them completely but unfortunately I believe thats only because they are too small to refuse to be around OW.  If they were older and said either her or us devastatingly me and them know what he would chose and that currently he is comepletly selfish and has no capacity to love them selflessly or unconditionally whilst in MLC.  He cant accept this fact in his own head and he tells himself many other distorted things such as..... “im a good father”, “im fighting for my kids”, “shes taken them from me”, “ive left her not them”, “they are resilient and will accept it all”, “they will be fine with joining OW’s family and she can be there mother and we can all run off into the sunset together” etc etc.  If he lets himself believe anything else then his life would crumble and he would hit rock bottom and thats what hes running from.  He is definelty I believe 98% of the time having a MLC. 

In terms of IL’s.  I cant judge them or say they are bad people as its not black and white.  One thing ive learnt from this process is that you cant judge unless you are in their shoes.  I think they are weak people and I dont agree with how they have handled the situation.  I also feel they have let my children down....but im trying to forgive.  If I ever get the chance I will tell them everything I need to. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2019, 11:11:57 AM »
I've often said, I do not believe every spouse on here who leaves and gets a divorce is in a MLC.
Certainly most but not all.

There may be some who just wanted out of the marriage, but lacked the maturity and courage to do it so they have an affair as an excuse to leave the marriage.
That is an Exit affair and they do not return to the marriage.

Thing is no one knows for sure who is a MLC for sure, and who isn't, and does it really matter?

The LBS still needs support. They are devastated either way.  Showing kindness and understanding is important for everyone here.  The advice would be the same either way.  Live as though they are not coming back and make a life for yourself.
Put your focus on you and your kids.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2019, 11:22:04 AM »
I am going to repeat my question since people seem to have failed to understand it:

Quote
What makes you think your H is having an MLC? Until now, you have not posted anything that points toward that. Yes, he had an affair. But beyond that you have described absolutely nothing that would make me think he is specifically having an MLC and not an exit affair.


I am simply struck by the fact that until now Mego's description of her H's MLC itself has been rather thin on the ground. She keeps throwing out comments about how he is EXACTLY like what RCR or Stayed's H describes but doesn't explain that at all. I'm looking for more detail that is all. Thunder seems to have picked up on what I meant right away.

For those who say it doesn't matter if it is MLC or not, well ok, then maybe I should start a thread on best places to vacation in the South of France or how to make Korean tacos since you think this forum isn't about MLC.  ;D Hahaha. Life is too short not to have a sense of humor.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 11:23:54 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2019, 11:26:55 AM »
 You are welcome to do whatever you want, Goner.  Just be sure to use the off-topic label for your thread and you’ll be all set.
Ha.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Treasur

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #22 on: March 02, 2019, 11:27:51 AM »
Mego-I have a question. What makes you think your H is having an MLC?


Goner....by asking the question, I presume you had a purpose. I'm going to presume you intended it to be a useful one to mego. What was it?


Because you could have just asked the question like this without all the judgment and rather harsh implied criticism. And that possibly prevented mego from 'hearing' whatever it was you were trying to communicate.

Your  follow on post infers quite clearly that A) HS is only for those with MLC spouses and b) that you feel in a position to judge that and c) that you have the right to ask mego to defend her assessment to YOU simply bc you are demanding that she should. Really, Goner? Really was that your intention? Is that what you believe truly...if so, you and RCR need to come up with a pre-approval test before people can join HS or that can kick some of us off....

There is so much wrong with this that I simply can't see how it serves you or anyone else. What prevents you from using your words and intelligence more responsibly? Bc regardless of your usual defense of I can say what I want/others are responsible for their feelings, this is happening too often. Please stop. And I would humbly invite you to do your own mirror work about why you do it bc it is becoming a bit of a habit and I think you are worth more and would be able to support others better without it.

I have challenged mego here on her anger and her refusal to accept all of the realities in RCRs writings, that she is still trying to control and prod what she can't control, that there are things she has yet to accept. And to be fair, mego has pretty steadfastly ignored everything I have said lol. Which is occasionally a bit frustrating but it is entirely her right to do so. She owes me nothing but civility here.

But my God, I understand the rage and frustration of being ignored and silenced and divorced against your will. This is not your reality as far as I know given that you do not have your own thread. She has a serious health condition and a teenage son which is not my experience either. I may challenge mega on her actions bc I honestly think her current course is not serving her well based on what she says she wants, but I completely accept how she feels and her right to make sense of what has blown her family up and caused her such pain.

None of us as far as I know have a magic MLC virtual test and therefore none of us are in a position to cast ourselves as the pass/fail arbiter of another person's spouses MLC. That would be both foolish and arrogant...I was married to my xh and sometimes I am not always sure, but I'm pretty clear that my guess is better than yours bc I have 20 years more data  ::)

Mego
Take the gift of your h recognising that you are a good mum with talents you have fostered in your son. Don't let your anger distract you from that...but also don't read more into it. The evening went better than you thought it would it seems which is a tiny win. And important for your boy.
How are you after your fall?
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 11:44:15 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #23 on: March 02, 2019, 11:29:55 AM »
Goner, if you go back and read mego's first thread I think she has described several "MLC" behaviours.

You may not see what you said as being harsh but some of us feel it was.

Why did you ask mego this particular question? What was your purpose?

As many of us have said, MLC or not, we are still devastated by the destruction of our families.

Mego clearly believes her husband is having a crisis, therefore, she has found the right place to help her understand what happened in her life and how to cope with it.

Goner, this woman received divorce papers in the mail less than 2 weeks ago....suggesting that her husband just left her for an affair when she clearly thinks otherwise is mean.

You wrote:
Quote
Hahaha. Life is too short not to have a sense of humor.

I repeat, this women received divorce papers less than 2 weeks ago in the mail. There is absolutely nothing funny about that, the destruction of her family, her health issues or the many other thoughts going through her mind at this time...nothing funny at all!
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 11:33:21 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #24 on: March 02, 2019, 11:45:11 AM »
You know, everyone in this forum goes on about how we are supposed to GAL. But really it seems to just be a place to compete on who has it worse than the other. And I refuse to play that game. It just will keep me miserable. My father died last July and I didn't even mention it in the forum except in passing a few weeks later. I have been through so much other hell I have not even talked about, but everyone keeps throwing others' suffering in my face as if I haven't had any of my own. I have had suffering, tons and tons of it and things that you probably can't even begin to fathom or imagine, but I don't want to solicit pity because I don't have any desire to use misery to seek attention and get stuck in my misery like a bottomless pit.

Seriously, get a life means just that. Now I'm going to the kitchen to bake some sweet potato fries because that will make me happy. Anyone want to join me? Go to your kitchen, whip up something nice, go out and buy your favorite food, do something people. Get a life. Get a life.


Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #25 on: March 02, 2019, 11:49:30 AM »
 Whether or not you choose to share your past suffering is your prerogative. But just the fact that you have suffered as much as you say makes it even harder to understand why you don’t seem to have any empathy for people. You say things that hurt people and then when you are told that you hurt someone, you will defend yourself to the death rather than just simply say “I’m sorry, I was not intending to be hurtful and I’m sorry that it did hurt you.“

 Perhaps a discussion thread on the way that we have been interacting on the forum is due so that we can discuss these matters without continuing to hijack peoples story threads. ( which I admit I have been part of in the past.) Mego, Apologies, I have no intention, and I’m sure no one else does either, of having this thread become a hijacked back-and-forth of bickering. I hope that you will post again soon about your own situation since this is your thread.

Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2019, 11:54:26 AM »
I am sorry Goner, and yes, all of us have been through experiences that we would not wish on anyone.

Get a life....indeed , that is what we encourage all LBSers to do.

When you are in an intense state of "fight/flight" which can ultimately lead to "freeze" may mean, that for a period of time, getting a "life" is not possible..just getting through the day is the best that one can do.

I don't see anyone on HS asking for pity by sharing their experiences and their suffering..and I have been on HS a long long time.

Your "flippant" response of "getting a life" and just go bake something is an indication to me, that like treasur has stated, perhaps you need to look at yourself, the "life" you have "settled" for and think about why on this thread and several others, you feel inclined to stir the pot and create discord....think about what I am saying Goner..what makes you do that over and over again on so many people's threads?
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2019, 11:56:30 AM »
As a moderator, I ask that Goner start her own thread and we can continue this discussion there. This seems to happen way too many times and since these comments do not directly relate to mego's situation, Goner please start a discussion thread with however you wish to title it..

Thanks Nas for starting a discussion thread called Interaction with one another on the forum.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10688.0#new
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 11:59:44 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Treasur

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2019, 12:06:46 PM »
As a moderator, I ask that Goner start her own thread and we can continue this discussion there. This seems to happen way too many times and since these comments do not directly relate to mego's situation, Goner please start a discussion thread with however you wish to title it..

Thanks Nas for starting a discussion thread called Interaction with one another on the forum.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10688.0#new

Sounds like a very sensible suggestion. My apologies too, mego...as you might say, OMG it's like a bad movie  :D
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 12:32:25 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2019, 12:56:16 PM »
....Because I was not going to let her bad behavior define mine.

....
This. If anyone is only able to take away anything from this site besides "Take care of yourself" and "This was not about you.", it's this.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 12:57:28 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #30 on: March 02, 2019, 01:22:40 PM »
"But really it seems to just be a place to compete on who has it worse than the other. And I refuse to play that game."  I feel really bad you feel this way.

Goner I have been on this board for a few years now and I have never thought this was a place to compete, or to play games.  NEVER. I'm not sure where you EVEN get that from.

I see sincere people in pain and others trying to hold them up and support them the best way they know how.

I'm sorry you lost you father.  I'm sure it was painful.  Why not allow others to send you some nice messages?   Why does that make you feel like a weak victim?  Why keep that all inside?  It's nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed over.
The loss of a parent is hard, we all have parents and understand that.
The death of a loved one trumps any differences we may have.

If I had known about your loss I would have sent my condolences, not to make you feel a "poor you victim" but to possibly, comfort you.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #31 on: March 02, 2019, 02:04:41 PM »
 :)
Sometimes Thunder, you are so marvellously Thunder-y that you should have a virtual parade  ;) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #32 on: March 02, 2019, 02:52:23 PM »
What did you mean by a real, true physical transformation before your eyes?

I just wish I could describe it like I can demonstrate it.

Imagine someone staring up into space while semi-staggering around, then looking at the floor, and back at the sky again.  I think H even walked into a wall at one point.

I was trying not to watch and definitely too afraid to ask WTF is wrong with you, and he seemed ok later, so I moved on.  Until...BD hit!

Soon after, I remembered this day and just thought, omg....THAT'S what that was.




Offline PJ Ames

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #33 on: March 02, 2019, 07:30:11 PM »
Quote
We want Mego to do the same. I want her to post of the things she is doing for herself. I don't care if it's getting her nails done. Just starting to live again-for herself.

In my opinion, that is the why we post,

Totally second what Ready said. I would love to hear about the things Mego does for herself - things that bring her happiness and serenity.

About the physical transformation - I'm curious about that as well. My W just got kind of this "Dead Soul" look about her, especially in her eyes. Just a vacant, 1000-yard stare.

Following along Mego! You're in my prayers.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online BrenM

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #34 on: March 02, 2019, 11:16:18 PM »
I want to read where Mego has been to a RED SOX game!   

Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #35 on: March 03, 2019, 11:30:47 AM »
Thanx ya'll!

Unfortunately I haven't been to a Red Sox game - I've no one to go with, and also too far for me to drive.  After S15 graduates, I hope to get back to MA.  Will all depend on whether XH has left his fog or not.

I did get my nails done yesterday.  That is something I never did for myself before BD.

Slow and steady......

Online Jackolar12

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #36 on: March 03, 2019, 02:00:05 PM »
I can remember several occasions when in discussion with my former wife shortly after bomb drop when her head seemed larger than usual. She seemed like she was fighting internally to suppress her anger. Her face was purple with rage and the veins stood out by the temples. Her eyes were glazed with tears but none fell. I thought she might explode, she also said silly statements a lot. If I wasn’t in shock I probably would have noticed more subtle changes in her.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #37 on: March 03, 2019, 02:39:27 PM »
Quote
I did get my nails done yesterday.  That is something I never did for myself before BD.

Thank you so much and I hope you have an awesome day today as well.

((((Hugs)))

Ready

We may get you to a Redsox game yet!
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #38 on: March 03, 2019, 03:15:55 PM »
thanx Ready!

Again, I've lost interest in the teams that I once cared about so passionately.   That is largely due in part to XH's disappearance.

Because we were - and are - sports people (Well baseball and football, anyway.)

So when I lost him, I also lost my favorite pastime.  And my/our whole identities.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2019, 03:19:23 PM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #39 on: March 03, 2019, 03:18:44 PM »
Her eyes were glazed with tears but none fell

Jack....you just nailed it

Thank you xxx

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #40 on: March 03, 2019, 06:25:52 PM »
Sooo.....last night was most of the same.

I'm in a seat in the aisle of S15's show, and Xh passes it/me and says, "Hi, Mego."

I knew he was passing/there and mustered up a "Hiii!"  (Bear in mind, I was pretending to be engrossed in my phone, so he didn't *need* to acknowledge me, by any stretch).

I'm totally aware of how utterly STUPID this all is?  (Like, junior high crap....!)

I only wish that certain posters here would realize the same.....

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #41 on: March 03, 2019, 06:48:15 PM »
Quote
I only wish that certain posters here would realize the same.....

Hello,

As time passes, you want to select the advice from poster that relate to you and your situation.

No offense, I don't know you or your ex. I don't know how you two communicate, your love languages, or the body language you use.

MLC is a complex issue with a variety of nuances. For example, my daughter is a first grade teacher. I was a teacher for 11 years. At first, I tried to help her by making her the teacher that I was. My intent was good, but I realized I had to let go and let her become the teacher she wants to be.

The posters are not the issue. Their intent is to help. If the advice fits and you can use, go for it and thank the poster. If it doesn't help you, kindly ignore and move on.

As I have posted before, I admire your hope. I want the best for you. I also love and respect the people on this site. Many of them, just like you, have been through a lot.

Keep going strong and build a good life for both you and your son.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #42 on: March 03, 2019, 06:54:46 PM »
Awe.....you're amazing, sweet Ready!!

You've just reignited my faith in the human race, which was nearly gone.  So, thank you xxxx

Online BrenM

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #43 on: March 03, 2019, 09:03:05 PM »
Wow Ready what a very thoughtful and caring post...yes you certainly hit the nail on the head - you do receive lots of advice in RL and HS...you respectfully read/listen and digest but at the end of the day you decide what is best for you...or in Mego’s case herself and her S.

Is there any chance that we can clone you several times over for HS?
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: More drama
« Reply #44 on: March 07, 2019, 03:31:28 PM »
Soooo.....H just came to pick up S15 at the PA house for the 3-day weekend.  Generally we meet in Harrisburg, but there proved to be a scheduling problem.

Because S15 was just cast in the school play, and the first read-through was right after school today.  Sooo....last night, S15 asked H if they could meet in Harrisburg *tomorrow*, as opposed to *tonight* at 6:00 pm.  Fair enough, right?

Well, apparently that was a HUGE problem for H.  He went berserk - as in "I only have you once a month!", etc. - so I sent H the following text this morning:
             
(H's town) is NOT a priority.  Having a well-adjusted teenager is.  We live HERE, and he wants to be in the play.  Kindly stop thrusting your own dysfunctional childhood, and resulting crisis, onto him.  Thank you.

I'll be damned if S15 is a (further) victim to this stupid MLC.....

Offline Unraveled

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #45 on: March 07, 2019, 04:42:39 PM »
You know I love you, but I wish I could take that phone away from you sometimes.

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #46 on: March 07, 2019, 04:54:09 PM »
You know I love you, but I wish I could take that phone away from you sometimes

LOL Unraveled!!!

I just can't help it, when it comes to S15.  TOTAL Mama-Bear comes out.

On the whole though, I think my text was pretty fair, not snarky, etc.  I will defend S15 to my death.

And I would think (hope??) that H would concur.  So....I sent that text.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #47 on: March 07, 2019, 05:00:30 PM »
Ok, so many people have tried this, I'm going to try this a different way.  You are the biggest RCR fangirl and the most vocal advocate for saving your marriage.  So a little challenge for you:

1.  Show me ONE article where RCR encourages spilling your "truths" to the MLCer while you are in the process of trying to reconcile (and remember this is a woman who put heart stickers on the back of her H's steering wheel);

2.  Put yourself in your H's shoes (not what you want him to think, but what he really thinks), what does H think and/or do when he gets this kind of text--what part of this text makes him want to reconcile with you; and

3.  (bonus points) What is a different way that you (or son, hint hint) could have handled this situation?
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 05:02:42 PM by Unraveled »

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #48 on: March 07, 2019, 05:13:39 PM »
Hello Mego,

Quote
Because S15 was just cast in the school play, and the first read-through was right after school today.  Sooo....last night, S15 asked H if they could meet in Harrisburg *tomorrow*, as opposed to *tonight* at 6:00 pm.  Fair enough, right?

Yes, very fair. Except your are dealing with a MLCer,

Quote
Well, apparently that was a HUGE problem for H.  He went berserk - as in "I only have you once a month!", etc. - so I sent H the following text this morning:
             
(H's town) is NOT a priority.  Having a well-adjusted teenager is.  We live HERE, and he wants to be in the play.  Kindly stop thrusting your own dysfunctional childhood, and resulting crisis, onto him.  Thank you.

How about this text:

"Dear H,

Our son was so excited about the opportunity to be in this play. He was concerned about changing his time with you, but I told him, "Your dad loves you so much and enjoyed your last play so much, I'm positive he will understand and change the day."

It was my advice. I am sorry that I was so terribly wrong. It won't happen again."

It's a draft, but you don't need to throw an axe when a nice dart will do the trick.

((((hugs)))

Ready

PS- You have every right to be upset with your H. He totally deserved to be called out for his self-centered move. Just hit the pause button and let some of us help you respond.

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #49 on: March 07, 2019, 05:23:12 PM »
Unraveled, you couldn't have recognized this, because I've never posted about it:

1. I printed out "A-Not-So-Perfect-Family" (an article about Narcissistic Families) in an envelope covered with heart stickers (I didn't even *know* that RCR had previously done this!)

2. I'd also written a brief letter, 2 weeks later, that read, "I know *what* happened to you.  I know *where* it happened to you.  I know *when* it happened to you.  And I know *why* it happened to you"  (all truths!)

3. Every text I've sent to H has related to S15 in some way, shape, or form.  Enough time has passed that I don't even *consider* texting about our marriage (we're divorced!).

But, I'll NEVER stop standing for S15....   
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 05:30:23 PM by megogirl »

Offline Unraveled

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #50 on: March 07, 2019, 05:30:53 PM »
Mego, you didn't answer a single one of my questions (and hey, obviously you don't have to).  Trying to logic someone into changing their feelings doesn't work.  Telling someone who is in an MLC that they are in an MLC only pisses them off.  As I recall, she put the stickers where he wouldn't see them, not on the outside of an envelope about narcissistic families.  My point is, she seems to me to be a very sweet, kind woman, who probably never said one snarky thing to her H.  Whether you can tie your communication in some way to your S doesn't somehow bless it as a child-centric text.

I think had you tried Ready's approach, or asked S to respond directly to his dad and share his thoughts and feelings, you may have had a better chance at getting through.  You keep coming at him with the same approach and it doesn't seem to be working.  I would keep a journal of all my snarky thoughts to get those emotions out, wait a while, and then try a calm and different kind of approach.

This is your life and you can handle it however you want.  If you did not always state that you are standing and hope to restore your marriage, I would say let it rip and let him have it.  But your method seems contrary to your stated goal and I wonder how you will ever get there by firing off texts with fighting words in them.

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #51 on: March 07, 2019, 05:47:53 PM »
Telling someone who is in an MLC that they are in an MLC only pisses them off.  As I recall, she put the stickers where he wouldn't see them, not on the outside of an envelope about narcissistic families.

This was only meant as a shout-out to him.  Like, "Hey, check this out!  Because it all makes perfect sense now!"  So, the stickers were sent as a message - that this sucks what happened to you, but that we were both on the same page.

I can't understand how that's "screwing up", or whatever.  If anything.....I feel it's an A-HA moment, and just commiserating about it.....

If you did not always state that you are standing and hope to restore your marriage, I would say let it rip and let him have it.  But your method seems contrary to your stated goal and I wonder how you will ever get there by firing off texts with fighting words in them

Yeah, but I hope that H would respect that I continue to bust my ass for our *family.*
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 05:57:36 PM by megogirl »

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #52 on: March 07, 2019, 06:39:50 PM »
Mego, I'm sorry but I really think you continue to try reasoning with your H and it's not working... You justify all your texts with 'hey, I'm doing this for him so he can see what he's doing wrong. He MUST know he's in the wrong'. But he doesn't, he probably sees you as the crazy bitter X that won't leave him alone.. I'm not trying to attack you, I'm trying to explain how he must feel.. as Unraveled has said, it's your life but I really think your texts will not help your desired outcome.. stop texting him.. your son is 15, he doesn't need to have a messenger between him and his dad.. let them handle the relationship between them, you need to focus on you Mego.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline forthetrees

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #53 on: March 07, 2019, 06:46:44 PM »
It seems that you respond as a wounded animal and lash out to protect yourself. You have been wounded but the pattern you´re in is leading to more wounding, not healing. You´ve gotta invest the energy into healing yourself as the priority instead of getting exh to see the light or make him see/feel the consequences of his choices. Your son is old enough to state his custody preferences and work out schedule changes due to school functions.
me 51
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M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #54 on: March 08, 2019, 02:22:19 AM »
Mego, I agree with others, you are poking a bear and making him run to ow. I know I did this a lot and I mean a lot. My h actually told me I pushed him to ow. Ow will be sitting there saying you poor thing, I would never do that to you. You are giving her your power. My d13 said to me the other month that the loudest scream is silence. Tbh and I don’t know if I’m right or wrong I would of just replied” I’m sorry you feel that way, however son is excited re play so that is what we will be doing. What can we arrange for tomorrow that would suit both of us. That way you have set a boundary that you will not accept his demands and son comes first but you have clearly put the ball back in his court to arrange an alternative.

Don’t give ow any more of your power. Hugs my friend xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #55 on: March 08, 2019, 07:10:00 AM »
1.  Show me ONE article where RCR encourages spilling your "truths" to the MLCer while you are in the process of trying to reconcile (and remember this is a woman who put heart stickers on the back of her H's steering wheel);

Unraveled, obviously there isn't one.  I am just trying to have him recognize how utterly *unfair* all this is to S15.  Ripping him away from his home for a 4.5 hour car ride, once a month?  I don't even bother with how unfair it is to me.....but I figure if its his *child*, perhaps he might "get it."

What runs through his mind?  Not sure.  I would hope that a small part of his brain would respect that I'm standing up for something and not just accepting his bull$h!te.

What else could I have done?  idk.  Nothing, I suppose. 
It would be a lot easier to do nothing if S15 wasn't such a damn good kid, and would just STAND HIS GROUND.  CALL BS!  But, he won't. 
« Last Edit: March 08, 2019, 07:21:12 AM by megogirl »

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #56 on: March 08, 2019, 07:39:24 AM »

It would be a lot easier to do nothing if S15 wasn't such a damn good kid, and would just STAND HIS GROUND.  CALL BS!  But, he won't.

Mego, it is unfair to lay this on s15.

He will NOT go against his dad. You are hurting yourself here.

One thing is to state boundaries calmly and reasonably, another is to snarl at him rabidly. It will just push him further the other way. This will not help your son at all. My kids (who are all older and were a little older when this started) will not discuss their father with me, that is not to say they have never said anything - they have, usually in defense of their father :P.

The relationship is between them individually and their beloved dad. Regardless of what he is doing.

My kids are great kids too - they are polite and well mannered to their elders - that was the way we brought them up. I am proud of them.

M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #57 on: March 08, 2019, 11:03:35 AM »
Mego, it is unfair to lay this on s15.

He will NOT go against his dad. You are hurting yourself here.


Mitz, rest assured that I don't.

I will tell him when it's within his rights to speak up, but I certainly don't ask him to.  I only wish that it was his idea to assert himself.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #58 on: March 08, 2019, 12:21:21 PM »
Hello,

Quote
I only wish that it was his idea to assert himself.

I am not an expert and I do not know your family dynamics so I can be totally wrong.

I guess your son will assert himself against you much more than against his H.

The rationale behind it is that your H has already shown that he will abandon his son. Your son knows that confrontation will only push him further away and he doesn't want to lose what little contact he already has.

Your son can assert himself against you, because he knows he is safe. You won't leave him.

That's why often our children who stay and live with us, won't speak out against the MLCer but will jump all over the LBS. Its a matter of who they feel safe with and who they feel safe to speak up to.

Just something to think about.....

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #59 on: March 08, 2019, 12:37:22 PM »
Ready you're probably right, with all of that

Just makes me sick that his dad is such a rotten example of "how to treat your spouse." 

It truly amazes me that he's such a great kid. 
« Last Edit: March 08, 2019, 12:56:45 PM by megogirl »

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #60 on: March 08, 2019, 12:51:26 PM »
Hello,

Quote
I only wish that it was his idea to assert himself.

I am not an expert and I do not know your family dynamics so I can be totally wrong.

I guess your son will assert himself against you much more than against his H.

The rationale behind it is that your H has already shown that he will abandon his son. Your son knows that confrontation will only push him further away and he doesn't want to lose what little contact he already has.

Your son can assert himself against you, because he knows he is safe. You won't leave him.

That's why often our children who stay and live with us, won't speak out against the MLCer but will jump all over the LBS. Its a matter of who they feel safe with and who they feel safe to speak up to.

Just something to think about.....

((((Ready)))))

Ready I agree...you are completely right.  Mego my girls are younger but they can not assert themselves and say anything to their dad.  On the other hand they have no issue with telling me anything.  Yes it frustrates me and I wish they could tell him how they feel.  But they have said several times that he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t care.  And they are terrified that if they assert themselves too much they may never see him again as he will chose OW and her family. The sad truth is that its a reality.  So I dont blame them for going along with what he wants and not saying anything.  Im sure this will continue for years until one day they grow up and decide they are done. 

Until then we just have to keep being the stable safe parent and be the one that takes the brunt of it all. But always remember its a privilege to be that parent and not the MLCer. The parent that is safe and will never leave. 

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #61 on: March 08, 2019, 01:44:19 PM »
He’s a great kid bc of YOU Mego and in spite of H. Always remember that.

When you tell your H these truth darts, you, like me, expect it to land on a rational person who is able to see the logic. But it doesn’t bc they are crazy rt now. Nothing will resonate. It sucks but we are charged with being the adult. All the time. Is it fair? Oh he!! No.  But it is our reality. You got this friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #62 on: March 08, 2019, 02:42:42 PM »
Thanx Bewildered, KIT

I talk to XH like he's normal on the off-chance I might catch him having a pocket of clarity, and/or is in Prisoner-mode

IL's certainly aren't helping.  Inviting OW over for Thanksgiving dinner, with S15 in attendance, was an atrocious stunt that I don't believe I can ever forgive.

Just now waiting for them to die.....



Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #63 on: March 09, 2019, 03:25:28 PM »
Mego, would you clarify? When your S15 wanted to change the time because of play responsibilities, did S15 tell his dad he wanted to change the time, or did you send the message about the time change? I ask because I am wondering if there is that "mlcer is angry at the lbs" reaction that comes from your mlcer any time you ask for something, even if it's for s15, and if maybe that could be mitigated if S15 started explaining his own wants/desires/commitments.

I went through something like this with my S when he was 15, and eventually he got angry with ME, so I told him, ok, you're on your own, kid, unless you specifically ask for my help(I was more polite than that  :) ). He did ask a few times for my help, and I always gave it without "I told you so's", but mostly he learned to stand up to his dad on his own if he wanted to have his own teenage life. Maybe that could help your situation?
« Last Edit: March 09, 2019, 03:26:47 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #64 on: March 09, 2019, 03:35:18 PM »
OffRoad

No, S15 explained the whole sitch to his dad on the phone. Then he came into my room all upset: "MOOOOM, he won't let me leave tomorrow!", etc.

It was only then that I was incensed, and inspired to author the text.  Because S15 shouldn't have to pay any price for HIS stupid crisis - especially one involving his childhood activities.

Offline in it

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #65 on: March 09, 2019, 04:45:52 PM »
I don't see a thing wrong with the text you sent.

Could you have left a couple of things out?
Sure.

But for the most part you were direct and honest and that's where you feel comfortable coming from.

Again if you ever wish to (or do) reconcile wouldn't that be what you wanted?
An honest direct relationship?

Your ex doesn't respect your son enough to make his own decisions. He wants to control him. He's being selfish and
 uncompromising if your S has other interests and things he wants to do.Your ex should be supportive of that.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #66 on: March 09, 2019, 04:54:47 PM »
Again if you ever wish to (or do) reconcile wouldn't that be what you wanted?
An honest direct relationship?


YEP -- I continue to react normally, just like I would if he weren't my "ex."  Because I can't just stop being who I am indefinitely, on his stupid crisis-timeline.  His crisis is now stunting S15, and firetruck that!

I have to believe that he respects everything I'm telling him - (SOMEWHERE) in his demented brain.

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #67 on: March 09, 2019, 04:56:18 PM »
Hello Mego.  Spent a lazy rainy Texas Saturday reading your entire story.  It won't take away the pain but I know how you feel.

My youngest was 15 when her dad left. I couldn't believe that a MINISTER would walk out on his family but he did.  I tried to reason with him (didn't know I was  dealing with MLC), beg and pleaded with him not  to leave, he left.  Didn't realize there was another woman involved. 

Mego I stopped all contact.  My children, as well as your S15 can work out their relationship with their father.  While we are Mama Bears our children can navigate how they want the relationship to look without our interference.

Don't allow your text messages to become 'look at my crazy ex' table conversations.  The OW is telling him how he 'had' to get away from the  crazy lady.  She becomes his safe place from YOU.  Don't give her that satisfaction.  As long as she can keep you the enemy she can be the 'good' one.  Flip that script girl. 

Lastly, your husband THINKS he didn't want Mego girl.  Her thinks he traded you in for something  better.  As long as you stay in a place of hurt and bitterness  he is not going to see you as a better option.  You MUST figure out how to create your new normal.  Join a church group, someone suggested volunteering or forming a MS support group.  It's not easy but it is doable. 

You are a Christian.  The most powerful weapon you have is prayer and faith.  Find Bible scrpitures that speak to your situation.  Memorize them and speak them in faith of what is to come.  Every day put the full armor of God on and battle thru the day praising God.  This was the most effective tool in my arsenal, praise. 

My husband is back in life after a long absence. He is trying everything to get an invite back into my house for family time.  No!!!!! Mr. YROT has to realize (and hopefully Mr. Megoman😊) we have changed.  We are strong women that held back the gates of hell when it tried with all its might to take us out.  It failed and we stand Megogirl, we stand!!!!!!!!

Be the best MEGOGIRL IMAGINABLE. Don't stay in a place of hurt, move on. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #68 on: March 09, 2019, 05:02:14 PM »
OffRoad

No, S15 explained the whole sitch to his dad on the phone. Then he came into my room all upset: "MOOOOM, he won't let me leave tomorrow!", etc.

It was only then that I was incensed, and inspired to author the text.  Because S15 shouldn't have to pay any price for HIS stupid crisis - especially one involving his childhood activities.
Thank you for the clarification. Then you are correct, unless S15 chooses to make his own stand, he will continue to be bullied by his dad. So very sad, and totally understandable that you want to stand up for him.

Probably a dumb question, what would be the repercussions if S said, "Sorry, dad. I have commitment tonight. I'll see you tomorrow at xx o clock". Massive Monster texts the first time for sure, but if S held his ground, do you think his dad would do that "Fine, then don't bother coming ever again ." Thing that narcissists do?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #69 on: March 09, 2019, 05:15:13 PM »
Hi Yellow

While we are Mama Bears our children can navigate how they want the relationship to look without our interference.

Unfortunately, not THIS kid.....because he will tell me if I'M speeding!  So I've often joked with him that his life's calling is either as a compliance officer, or a cop. 

Accordingly, he won't say or do anything that might "rock the boat" with his dad.  Instead, he'll just gripe to me.....and then I have to pick up all the pieces!

MLC, be damned.  Because I really feel like I should be on Jerry Springer sometimes.


Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #70 on: March 09, 2019, 05:27:15 PM »
Off,

Massive Monster texts the first time for sure, but if S held his ground, do you think his dad would do that "Fine, then don't bother coming ever again ." Thing that narcissists do?

Oh HELL, no.

But what XH *would* say is what he's been saying all along - that "it's court-mandated, and we can't go against the order!"  Which is crap (obviously), but then S15 is so freaked out, he just goes along with it.

And I am left sickened that he is subjected to all of this White Trash-Ness.

Offline in it

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #71 on: March 09, 2019, 06:10:20 PM »
Until your sons father (which is what he is now) gets it that your S isn't under his command I agree it's hard to stand by and watch your son being bullied by his father as he hasn't the coping mechanism or the experience to stand up to him.And you are totally in the right to do that for him..

What you might need to do is empower and teach your son how to express himself so his father isn't calling all the shots.
He will have other people in his life who might think it's ok to boss him around . He needs to be taught how to do this.

In dealing with someone who tends to get to us and deprive us our best self and bring out the worst us takes (for want of a better word) practice.


Mego see if you can see yourself ( as I did myself) in the following quote

 Quote by
Portia Nelson

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

(yeah I get the Jerry Springer thing too)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OneHotMess

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #72 on: March 09, 2019, 06:37:58 PM »
It is so hard to see the fathers bullying or manipulating the kids. I have had to tell the kids early on in the MLC  they had to take up things with their father. I had to step back since I was getting beat on from both sides by being their buffers. Now my kids see it with their own eyes. I am always there for them if they need to talk about stuff. My son is like yours just gives in to whatever his dad wants. Just know they are forming their own opinions of their father.
M 40
H 41
Ow 41( his 1st cousin) moved in May 23, 2017, she went back to her husband Oct 2017
Ow moved back with her 2 kids Jan 1 2018 even with courts cutting his visitation with his kids because of it
T-19 yr M-14 yrs
S13 & D8
BD  February 12 2017 & April 22 2017 (signs of MLC since 2015)
I filed for divorce June 2 2017 for protection- final August 9, 2018

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8791.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8948.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9189.0

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: Paving the Way
« Reply #73 on: March 10, 2019, 04:17:50 PM »
Well, I think I just successfully paved the way.  At least, I hope that I did.

My snarky texts had been obvious.  I thought about RCR putting heart stickers all over Chuck's steering wheel, and thought I could stand to do something similar.

So I bought a card that was actually a Sympathy card, but I thought it was relevant to MLC, too. 
The front reads: "Not sure of what to say or do, but please know I'm here for you." 
The inside reads; "Today and always." 
I wrote: "Because I believe in God I'm a 'Covenant-Keeper' Stander (That means Standing until one of us dies.)

(Heart-drawing) Mego

I figured that enough time has elapsed now, and his MLC is bound to wrap up soon.  Just thought I could do something nice in the meantime (without worrying about Cake-eating!)

« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 04:41:58 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #74 on: March 10, 2019, 04:48:38 PM »
Mego,

I liked "The front reads: "Not sure of what to say or do, but please know I'm here for you. 
The inside reads; "Today and always." 

NO others words were necessary  It would have been perfect all by itself.

Nothing about a covenant keeper needed to be added. 
Short and sweet is better.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #75 on: March 10, 2019, 05:02:02 PM »
Well thunder - unfortunately it's too late - I gave it to him

I contemplated not writing anything, but figured he should know I'm still Standing even though he sued me (for divorce) - then had me arrested (for harassing his OW) - and now have a subsequent misdemeanour on my record (because I didn't want to shlep back and forth to NY for court, so I pled guilty).

So, we have been to hell (obviously).  And I'd imagine he is mind-blown that in spite of ALL OF THIS, I'm still willing to forgive him.   
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 05:12:09 PM by megogirl »

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #76 on: March 10, 2019, 05:32:44 PM »
And I'd imagine he is mind-blown that in spite of ALL OF THIS, I'm still willing to forgive him.

Mego,

IMHO - I don't think so.

He will only be receptive to this once he changes... At the moment, he will probably have a less than complimentary opinion of you, I am sorry. :-[ :P

They should recognize we are standing by our consistent attitudes over a 'long, long' time.

M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
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Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #77 on: March 10, 2019, 05:42:15 PM »
He will only be receptive to this once he changes... At the moment, he will probably have a less than complimentary opinion of you, I am sorry. :-[ :P

They should recognize we are standing by our consistent attitudes over a 'long, long' time.


Mitz, I've been snarky/not snarky/snarky again - basically over issues involving S15 (cos Mama Bear erupts). He hadn't otherwise heard from "me" for a long time (because of my fear of him Cake-Eating.)

And with all due respect, it has been a long, long time of MLC bull$h!te (I'm @ 3 years in October.)
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 05:44:52 PM by megogirl »

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #78 on: March 10, 2019, 10:43:36 PM »
Quote from: Megogirl
And with all due respect, it has been a long, long time of MLC bull$h!te (I'm @ 3 years in October.)

3 years is not even close to being a long long time in MLC Land. Average (from the anecdotal evidence seen on HS) is 7+ before the Mid-lifer is close to being done with Replay and looking to try to reconnect. Sure there are those that come out of the tunnel faster but they are the exception rather than the rule. This is an ultramarathon, not a sprint....
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online nah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #79 on: March 11, 2019, 04:08:09 AM »
The other woman must love your letters, cards and articles that you send.

If you stayed quiet it would be difficult to paint you as the crazy one.

Nope, lucky for Mr Mego that she’s there to save him from the crazy ex-wife.

Is that what you want?
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Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #80 on: March 11, 2019, 07:35:04 AM »
Nah I don't even think about her.  She's a total zero.

What I was considering was RCR & the heart stickers she put in his car.  And at some point, Chuck stopped "cake-eating," dumped the OW, and returned. 

I was also considering "You attract more bees with honey than vinegar" - or however that adage goes.  Also, "A little kindness goes a long way."

I just can't give any more thought to this home-wrecking skank. 
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 07:43:07 AM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #81 on: March 11, 2019, 07:48:21 AM »
UM were I to throw in the three years of Replay H had before we moved here, he's actually now at 5.5 years.  Started smoking, working out, hitting the casino - all of it.

I just started counting from Bomb Drop.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #82 on: March 11, 2019, 01:06:42 PM »
Sadly, it's going to take as long as it takes, it doesn't matter what WE want or think. We get to chose if we want to be angry, frustrated, calm, resolved, rational, crazy, whatever, because all we can control is us.

That was a nice card you found. It really did say it all on its own . I need to find that one for various occasions.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #83 on: March 11, 2019, 02:30:41 PM »
Off

It is a great card.  Unfortunately I found it at T.J. Maxx, so there was only one to be found.  Otherwise, I would have bought a bunch of them.

The funny thing was, I certainly was not looking for a card to give to my XH.  I was just browsing, and thought it was perfect though.
« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 02:43:08 PM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #84 on: March 12, 2019, 04:55:20 PM »
So, I showed the card to my therapist today (I took pix of it.) 

I know people said I shouldn't have written anything, but I figured what I wrote might give him a "thinky" moment.

Like -- here's someone who is choosing to die before she'll be with anyone else, yet I'm still banging whatsherface and acting like a compete @$$hole.  Too rational for an MLCer, or no? 

Perhaps I caught him in Prisoner-mode, so that's exactly what happened (hopefully!)
« Last Edit: March 12, 2019, 04:58:03 PM by megogirl »

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #85 on: March 12, 2019, 06:40:11 PM »
And what did your therapist think mego of sending him that card and message?
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #86 on: March 12, 2019, 06:41:46 PM »
She just thanked me for sharing it with her.

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: So PISSED!
« Reply #87 on: March 13, 2019, 03:14:53 PM »
So I just learned via S15 that the next time xH has him, xH has also invited his good friend from here to come along!  So, now he's dragging S15's friends along into his fantasy-life!  4.5 hours away!

When will this man ever realize that the only person who actually wants to be there is HIM?!?!?
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 03:16:07 PM by megogirl »

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: So PISSED!
« Reply #88 on: March 13, 2019, 04:34:53 PM »
So I just learned via S15 that the next time xH has him, xH has also invited his good friend from here to come along!  So, now he's dragging S15's friends along into his fantasy-life!  4.5 hours away!

When will this man ever realize that the only person who actually wants to be there is HIM?!?!?

Mego,

I saw this with my daughter - she loved to take her friends along when she met with her dad and ow. It was a way for her to feel more comfortable and normal. A buffer of sorts. I think it is a good idea in order to keep the kids and their father close... I obviously see it differently than you do.
M 57
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S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #89 on: March 13, 2019, 04:36:05 PM »
Mego,

This may not be a bad thing.
Your son will have a friend with him.  Might be a positive for him.

He can possibly ignore what is going on and enjoy his time with his friend.
It's not like his friend is going to get pulled in.  He's there for his friend, your son.

I would not even worry about it, honestly.  The kids may just have fun with each other.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #90 on: March 13, 2019, 04:54:16 PM »
The reality is that your son is dealing with a terrible loss, the loss of his family. To make things as normal as possible, as a teenager, one of the things that they need are their friends. Their peers are very important to them.

I actually see it as a positive thing that his father has included one of his friends...many, many MLC fathers don't even see their kids mego.

I really, really feel that the best thing you can do for your son, is to make things as easy as possible for him to have a relationship with his dad. It isn't easy, I hate when my daughter is with her dad but, I know that this is best for her and best for her father as well.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

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Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #91 on: March 13, 2019, 06:15:54 PM »
The reality is that your son is dealing with a terrible loss, the loss of his family. To make things as normal as possible, as a teenager, one of the things that they need are their friends. Their peers are very important to them.

I agree whole-heartedly. 

But by dragging S15 (and now his friend!) away, he's enabling his own crisis.  Instead of living HERE with his xFAMILY, he's forcing everyone to cater to his bull$h!te.  As if his crisis deserves any more coddling!

Just makes my blood boil......   
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 06:27:50 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #92 on: March 13, 2019, 06:38:41 PM »
Mego, how do you feel he is dragging them away to enable his crisis?  It has nothing to do with his crisis.
I guess I don't understand that.

How are they enabling his crisis by being together as friends?

I understand you want him there with his xfamily but he is no were near that right now.
The fact that he wants to see your son and spend time with him is huge.

A lot of MLCer's want nothing to do with their kids.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #93 on: March 13, 2019, 06:52:17 PM »
Mego, how do you feel he is dragging them away to enable his crisis?  It has nothing to do with his crisis

With all due, it has EVERYTHING to do with his crisis.

Because he's relocated back to his hometown in NY, where his parents still live, and more importantly....where his all of MLC wounding happened.

He deposited us in PA - our FAMILY - then went all MLC, and decided he wanted to live there.  So he took our dog, found a hooker there, and wala!  New life!

Now, he's dragging our established PA life into his MLC life, instead of acknowledging that no one else lives there, nor cares to be there...! 
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 07:19:58 PM by megogirl »

Online BrenM

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #94 on: March 13, 2019, 07:13:36 PM »
Mego,  I think you may not have considered all aspects of this situation.   Yes I understand your anger and disappointment directed at H and rightfully so....he is being a pathetic Dad...but hey aren't all male Mlcers?   Would we really expect anything else?   H is missing out on so much of S's life - that is the sad reality. You know that nothing we do or say will give them an instant reality check...we have to observe from afar.

Why would H want to invite S's friend along for one of his access visit?  Would he not like to utilize this time to spend some quality one on one time with his only son?  Have you considered that maybe the relationship between Father and Son is not all roses as you think?  Maybe there is friction between S and OW.  Maybe S is uncomfortable around his F and OW or just OW?   Maybe OW feels threatened by S imposing on her relationship with H?  Or maybe H has plans for a outing where they need 3 males?  There are numerous possibilities.

Whatever the real reason...your H has decided to invite one of S's friends for the visit.  It is definitely a means of diversion for Son...which we can assume is to make S feel more comfortable at his Father's house.  It is sad...but it is what it is atm.

On a positive note...teenagers are very critical and very honest.  Son's friend will most definitely share his opinion and thoughts about H and OW or just OW with S.  This will no doubt influence S's overall judgement of his father and may actually entice him to finally speak up to his dad.

Please don't worry about the aspects of MLCers life that you cannot control.  Trust the process.  ATM you cannot control H and your words and actions are absolutely meaningless.   Save your breath.  Concentrate on being the best mum to your Son - he will see the situation for what it actually is (if he has not already), look after your health and nurture yourself. 
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 07:17:14 PM by BrenM »
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BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
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🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

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Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #95 on: March 13, 2019, 08:53:20 PM »
I kind of get "enabling his own crisis". I mean from one point of view, the MLCER goes off and does whatever he/she wants, then pretty much forces their kids to do things or travel distances if the kids want any time with the MLCer.  Why does the MLCER get to dictate the rules? Any of the rules.

By inviting S15s friend along, it makes it more enticing to S15. Road trip with his friend! Every body's just one big happy non-family!!  I think I get that aspect of it.

But poor S15, grasping at whatever crumbs he can get because he knows YOU will always be there for him. He also knows that he can't depend on his dad, so he has to get whatever time he can. If it's more palatable with his friend, more'S the better. I know for me, I had to set S (now 19) free to choose for himself. He still knows I will ALWAYS be here for him. He's seeing some of the not normal. It's a lesson you can't teach, they have to learn on their own.

Sorry about this, Mego. It sucketh mightily.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Milly

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #96 on: March 14, 2019, 12:26:41 AM »
Mego, I understand how you feel because only one of my kids spends time with my H and OW and it really hurts me that she does, I feel betrayed. But I'm aware that this is just how I'm feeling, that for this D it's best to have any relationship with her dad than none, which is basically what the other two have.

Having said that, I agree with everything Bren said.
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Offline Sunny9876

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #97 on: March 14, 2019, 04:59:14 AM »
Mego

I don't post very often but I'm following along with your story. I do understand what you are saying, my H lives in NC with the OW whilst his family is in CT. He's like an excited teen starting a new life down there at the moment. He does keep in contact with both D's and they have gone down there to visit him where he acts out as 'fun' dad spending thousands of dollars on them for a weekend and act like the 'good' guy. This absolutely sucks but there is nothing I can do as you can't control what they do so I keep my lips zipped as I feel it is better for the kids to see their dad than not at all. Your H will want to appear the 'good' guy to S and invite his friend and it does hurt like hell that they will have a nice time but it will be better for your son to see his dad than not at all and you won't get the blame for trying to control the situation.

This is extremely hard but hang in there.

Sunny

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #98 on: March 14, 2019, 05:38:28 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Sorry about this, Mego. It sucketh mightily.

It does. I really had to take the time to think about this because in many ways, I can empathize with you, Mego because I dealt with my MLCer and her OM.

In this situation, I can sympathize with you because my children never met OM. To be honest, I probably would have lost my mind. My oldest wanted to meet him so she could knee him in his balls. From what I can read in your posts, she is right up there with you in the spunk'o meter rating. She calls it as she sees it and no filter at all.

My youngest was curious, she has heard his voice and texted him for my ex while she was driving. But she never met him. She tells me she doesn't like him and he seems very arrogant.

So, I have no real experience in dealing with this. It does seem, he may be trying to get back in his son's good graces after he told him he couldn't change the day for the audition.

The MLCer is all about him. He hurts now and decides to use son and friend to make himself feel better. If he does that then the ugly thing he did to his son the other night is gone.

You are right, this is not about your son or his feelings-it is about him and his feelings.

So come on and vent about him. You have every right. However, you have to put on the strong face for your son. Keep in touch with him while he is gone.

I really do feel sorry for you and I hope your H gets a really bad ingrown toenail or a canker sore on his tongue.

((((Ready)))))
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 05:41:08 AM by UrsaMajor »
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Offline Onward

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #99 on: March 14, 2019, 11:27:05 AM »
Well, I'm about to make myself mighty unpopular.  2x4 incoming.

Is son’s father actually a bully because he reacted to a last moment change to a schedule that reduced the time he spends with his S? Particularly given that time is *only once a month*?

Is the assumption really that the F is selfish because he has feelings about having his time reduced??

If the visitation time is only for the weekend, Friday night is a pretty big percentage of the F's time. I'd be more concerned about how little time a 15yr old son is spending with his father.

As some of you may recall, I am a 2nd W. H abandoned his 1st W (should have been a red flag  :-\), and they have an S who is a young adult now (I came into his life when he was 5.) Father and S have an estranged relationship, in no small part because of the limited time he got to see his dad and the tension he felt being caught between his parents.

Because he lived with his mom, it was easier to reduce the time with his dad. Things would 'come up' so that plans changed. And sometimes SS didn’t want to add to his mom’s distress, so he would 'get sick' and need to stay home. Eventually all the cancellations and the distance led to no time together at all. There are other factors, too, for which H carries responsibility, and so does SS and so do I. But the lack of time together absolutely did not help in the breakdown of the relationship between F & S.

SS and I rebuilt our relationship after his F left me. (I have built a good relationship with his mom, too, but that’s another story.) And let me tell you, if I could turn back time, there is plenty I would do differently. Beginning with being hyper-aware of the kinds of actions, questions and conversations that make kids feel caught in the middle. 

There is a lot of projection on the father’s motivations here. But no matter how frustrating an MLCers actions are, the father is a parent who needs time with his son to have a relationship with his son.  If there is a court ordered visitation schedule, that's what sets the rules, not the MLCer. 

Changing the time has implications for the F, especially if he only has S for the weekend. And since there isn't much evidence of a collaborative attitude toward co-parenting, it is not surprising that the F doesn’t want to give up his time.  I suspect if the situation were reversed, there would be a lot of commiserating how unreasonable xH was to keep mego from S during her scheduled time.

Mego, your tendency to "not be able to help yourself' in frequently pointing out the error of xH's ways is not doing you any favours in creating a healthy way for S to spend time with both parents.

An environment where your S feels caught between his parents is damaging to his relationship with both of you and is psychologically stressful for him. I have had heartfelt discussions with my SS, and other young adults I know, and they all still suffer because their parents couldn't get over themselves enough to keep their kids out of the middle.

Both parents may claim they are only looking out for their kid, but that is often not the inner experience of the child.

Contrary to Readyto, and because I have plenty of experience in this, I would recommend you not actively contact your son while he is with his dad. Not unless it's longer than a weekend and not unless S reaches out to you. Those well-intended contacts are what my SS has specifically identified as emotional pressure. He never felt like he would just be with his dad. At 15, S is old enough not to need contact with mom every day.

And no matter how much it kills you, don't ask about what he did and don't ask or comment about OW and if he chooses to tell you about his time with his dad, and especially if he enjoyed good time with his dad, appreciate that he did for son's sake.

Your S is well aware of your feelings toward his dad, and his dad's new relationship. You fool yourself at your own peril if you think your attitude doesn't affect your S and your S's relationship with his dad.

It’s interesting to see so many assumptions that there is a problem between F & S because F has invited a friend along for the weekend.

Mind you, because of my own lived experience, I am more inclined here to see a father who is making an effort to maintain a relationship with his son. Which is a lot more than many MLCers do.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 11:44:35 AM by Onward »
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Offline Unraveled

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #100 on: March 14, 2019, 11:39:37 AM »
I have to agree with Onward.  I had the same reaction.  Mego I think your son does a lot of plays (in fact I think he had just finished the last one).  My D was very involved with this stuff and I know what a huge time sink it is.  There are always practices, rehearsals, shows, etc.

I know you are very hurt and that is all you can feel right now.  You really don't know how lucky your S is that he has a father who calls him twice a day and drives all that way (with the grandparents no less) for his performances.  My H disappeared and until recently only ever contacted my S when it suited him.  He lives less than an hour away and saw my son 3 times all of last year (all of which I instigated because my son was hurting so much).  He has been really good with my son since our talk in January.  But just yesterday my son said there is such a huge hole there where his father is concerned that he feels the pain of it every single day.  Our sons are the same age.

You have to separate your relationship with your ExH from that of your son's relationship with him.  They are not the same thing.  If you don't stop getting so upset and all the angry venting and texting, I'm concerned you are going to do harm to your S, or at a minimum to your relationship with him.  There are many people here with children who no longer speak to them because of less serious behavior.  Also keep in mind, in most states, the courts will let your S choose where he wants to live at this age.  I'm afraid if you keep pushing and focusing on where you live as opposed to where your H lives, you may see some effort to change that situation.  Try to find the positives in these things Mego.  They are there if you look for them.

Be as mad at him as you want, but please leave S out of it.  I think it is great his friend is going along.  I would think you would too.  It is less time for him to spend directly with the OW.  Two teen boys are not going to be hanging out with dad's OW when they could be alone hanging out.  Also, it solidifies a relationship with a friend where you are located, where son can strengthen that bond and want to be there as opposed to off with dad.


Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #101 on: March 14, 2019, 11:45:24 AM »
I totally agree with Onward and Unravelled.

Our kids, no matter what age suffer. You son’s father is taking an active role in his life. That is a good thing for your son.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #102 on: March 14, 2019, 12:18:01 PM »
Quote
Is son’s father actually a bully because he reacted to a last moment change to a schedule that reduced the time he spends with his S? Particularly given that time is *only once a month*?

Maybe I am missing the point. The divorce should not impact the child's life or activities. Yes, he may be in a lot of plays. However, missing an audition is a big deal. He didn't ask to cancel the visit just postpone it. The father put his feelings above his son's and that isn't right.

In my situation, I get my daughter for Christmas. It was "my time". However, her mother had surgery and needed her help. I told her it was okay to stay with her mother. In fact, I told her I was proud of her. It relieved my daughter and made her feel better. She was conflicted because she wanted to please both. I didn't do it for my ex, I did it for my daughter.

Quote
You really don't know how lucky your S is that he has a father who calls him twice a day and drives all that way (with the grandparents no less) for his performances.

Yes, he is and I am glad that his father is part of his life. I just posted on another thread that I hope an older daughter reconnects and resolves her conflicts with her father.

No one has stated that the son and his friend shouldn't go. Mego isn't saying no or has told her son not to go.

Quote
If you don't stop getting so upset and all the angry venting and texting,


Only partial agreement her. Get upset, vent on the forum....that's what we are here for. Scream in your car and get it out of your system. What I would really hope is that Mego can vent, post possible reactions she can take and wait for advice, then text. So Mego you can vent on the forum all you want, post some possible actions, and wait. Then after reading our responses, choose your action.

Quote
Contrary to Readyto, and because I have plenty of experience in this, I would recommend you not actively contact your son while he is with his dad.

I see your perspective. The only reason why I advised her to maintain contact was so that he knew she was thinking about him, and that she wasn't angry or upset with him.

Quote
Our kids, no matter what age suffer.

Absolutely correct. That is why it is okay for Mego to be angry and upset. I completely validate her feelings, now put on your best face for your son that's the preferable action.

Ready


"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #103 on: March 14, 2019, 12:41:01 PM »
Well I am going to come completely left field here and give my 2 cents worth. Take it or leave it as you see fit. ;)

First off I think writing the card isn't a way to reach him. It was an attempt to manipulate him into seeing the way you see things. That type of behaviour is never going to work, and likely going to come back to bite you in the ass just like Nah said. Believe me we have all been there, done it, tried it. Thank god WA has a delete before read feature that's all I am saying.  :o

The problem is most of us were fixers. I think you are too. You are so busy trying to FIX what is wrong with HIM, and make him SEE what HE has done wrong...that you aren't letting go the way you need to. You literally have to stop giving a $h!te. I know...believe me I know it is hard. But once you stop caring what he is doing, how firetrucked up it is, how he has wronged you....only then will he ever feel the change. Right now the more you poke, and prod, and annoy him...the more he thinks he is right. :-\

The friend going along is likely a buffer as mentioned. MLCer and son likely have a lot of tension, and sometimes it is easier to be in the same room when there is an outside party. Everyone has to be polite and behave then. Someone is there to joke and make small chat. That is a typical insecure, conflict avoidant type behaviour.

Going further, making your son feel like he is betraying you by seeing his dad...is not going to make the MLCer come back, it is not going to make you look like a martyr, it is not going to do anything besides affect YOUR SON. Believe me. I am a child of a broken home. My parents used us as weapons through one of the most psychotic and firetrucked up custody battles I have still yet to hear topped. My mother ruined my relationship with my father, she told lies, and guilt tripped and everything she could so she was ''right'' and ''victimised''. But in ruining my relationship and ability to get to know my father, in making me feel guilty for every little interaction I had with him...she ruined our relationship too.  In the end it did not turn out well for either of them, with any of their children.

Onward has a lot of good advice in her post.

I am not going to sit and tell you how lucky you are your MLCer sees his kids. I know from personal experience that feels like a slap because it is a Father's RESPONSIBILITY to see his children. But at the same time you do have to accept that even though it is his responsibility as a father, often times that does get neglected. And even a half assed attempt is better than a no assed attempt. ::)

And what ready said about ''I didn't do it for myself, I did it for my daughter'' is my mantra. I am in a country where the only friends and family I have ...are his. Mine are all abroad. When this all kicked off my first instinct was to pack my $h!te and go home, because I didn't sign up for this. But that wouldn't be fair to my kids. This is their home. This is their life. That is their father. And I will never be the mother to put MY FEELINGS or MY NEEDS first. Perhaps that makes me a fool. I like to think one day my kids will look at me, and see something completely different...to what I see when I look at my mother.

We all have what seems to be a pre-destined opportunity to repeat history. My husband has his chance to be a father like he was, or become an absent father like his father before him. I have the choice to become my mother, swallowed up with anger, resentment, and victimhood...or I can brush it off and walk away. It isn't going to be easy. Looking in the mirror and seeing your flaws never is. But we all have choices, and they define not only us...but our children too.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Unraveled

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #104 on: March 14, 2019, 12:47:38 PM »
To clarify, I meant I don’t want to see Mego vent to son (and given the trigger finger on texting, I’m guessing it has happened).  Vent here by all means.  I’d love for her to get to the point where she takes time before responding and solicits advice before angry spewing or snarky texting.  Also, I’m pretty sure he’d already been cast and it was an early read through he would miss. 

Offline sada

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #105 on: March 14, 2019, 01:42:14 PM »
I think Onward's advice was on point. I just want to add:  I have 4 s's. All grown now. I remember well the point that each of them would ask if a friend could come along on outings. The young people really can have a better time when a friend can come along. It's just a rite of passage.
Sada
Me - 55
H - 54
Married 11 years, together 21
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Not cooked but has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements less frequent
Enjoying our time together

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #106 on: March 14, 2019, 03:22:45 PM »
I hear you, Sada.

But all of this was *not* S15's idea.  It was xH's - just trying to make his kid-life better than his mid-life! 

Because even though he abandoned us in favor of his hometown, he's still the "cool dad."  Anyone want to bet that he buys S15 a car for his 16th, on 3/23?

Write it down......

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #107 on: March 14, 2019, 03:29:43 PM »
You refuse to even consider a word that many have written to you...about the importance of a father and son relationship.

Instead, you respond with anger because he is trying to have a relationship with his son..he has not abdicated that but you refuse to see it.

Listen to the people who have gone through this with their children. They have a great deal to share with you.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #108 on: March 14, 2019, 03:41:49 PM »
Thanx xy

Apparently, I'm in the minority of folks who don't feel we should be all "rah-rah!" and "good on you!" for XH's pathetic attempts at a relationship with his own son.

This is the same man that moved 4.5 hours away.  The same man who opted for 25% visitation time - as opposed to 50% because he refused to move here, or anywhere even close.

This man disgusts me, and certainly isn't getting any kudos from me for being "the cool dad."  His behavior is reprehensible, and I'm pretty sure even his own lawyer thought he was a douchebag (semi-verified by my L)!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #109 on: March 14, 2019, 03:58:55 PM »
By inviting S15s friend along, it makes it more enticing to S15. Road trip with his friend! Every body's just one big happy non-family!!  I think I get that aspect of it.

YESSS, Off Road!!

You just nailed it!  Phrased it perfectly!  "Aren't I cool, aren't we cool?  This is so normal!  A modern family, plus FRIENDS!  Party-time!"

BARF.....

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #110 on: March 14, 2019, 04:06:27 PM »
Mego, would that upset you if he did buy him a car on this 16th birthday?

Of so, why?

My son bought both his kids their first car when they got their driver's license.  His wife divorced him about 5 years ago, in a MLC and found another man (dumped her I may add  ;D), but she was glad he did that.  It saved her money and the kids could get around without needing rides to everything.

They actually co-parent pretty good now.  It took them awhile but they worked it out for the kids sake.  Now they share the kids 50/50.

Mego this will all settle down after awhile, when things aren't so raw.  I understand your resentment right now.  I really do.  Just give it time.
This MLC takes a long time.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #111 on: March 14, 2019, 04:15:35 PM »
First off I think writing the card isn't a way to reach him. It was an attempt to manipulate him into seeing the way you see things. That type of behaviour is never going to work, and likely going to come back to bite you in the ass just like Nah said. Believe me we have all been there, done it, tried it. Thank god WA has a delete before read feature that's all I am saying.  :o

Thanx Mortes

Actually, the card was only meant to Pave the Way/extend an olive branch, in return for the olive branch that he'd extended to me at S15's show.  He'd said S15 was "only like this because of YOU, Mego!", and he was crying when he said it.  I asked him why he was crying.  He said, "I'm just proud of him!" 

So no manipulation whatsoever, just a WWJD? act. 

« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 04:19:11 PM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #112 on: March 14, 2019, 04:46:15 PM »
Mego, would that upset you if he did buy him a car on this 16th birthday?

Under normal circumstances, no.

But our situation is ANYTHING but normal.  I've never had to deal with the "COOL DAD!" persona that XH is now so desperately trying to be.  Nor have I ever lived anywhere where the roads are truly FRIGHTENING.....every other car is a TRUCK, so even I'm afraid to drive on them.....and I've had my license for over 30 years.

I have had this fear since he was S13 (BD).  And I know it will only get worse on 3/23, when his Cool Dad flies in, rocking his Bull$h!te Cape.....!

« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 04:48:13 PM by megogirl »

Offline Songanddance

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #113 on: March 14, 2019, 04:49:42 PM »
Quote
UM were I to throw in the three years of Replay H had before we moved here, he's actually now at 5.5 years.  Started smoking, working out, hitting the casino - all of it.

I just started counting from Bomb Drop.

It is common practice to start the MLC clock from BD.  It makes it clearer for us all on here.

We can all look back and begin to identify the denial and early stages of replay.  I reckon my H's started in 2005 when he insisted on buying a boat to keep down on the south coast. He was desperate to start sailing again.  In the following years before BD in 2013, he had bought and changed his car 7 times - bought a motorbike, a second yacht in the states (he was going to live there) two light aircraft (and yet still paid his way in the house).
 I am now 6 yrs in since BD and whilst H may seem to be reconnecting, he is a long way off really recognising what he has done so you just may have to be patient for a while longer Mego.

So whilst you stand - just keep learning about your own self growth - stop feeling the need to fix and get involved and just leave him to it - really leave him to it. He and your S have to sort themselves out. 

Be grateful that your S has not threatened to kill your exH as mine did (repeatedly) and I had to ensure that all knives were locked up after one night finding him outside H's room with a knife in his hand screaming and shouting at H.  That showed me how much I had dumped on S and how he felt the need to defend and protect me. It eventually came to physical blows where S was so filled with anger he taunted H who retaliated. All VERY VERY WRONG!   

Now S will talk calmly with H but they are a long way off ever being father and son. I wish I had foreseen this - I could have prevented it by learning about fixing myself first.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #114 on: March 14, 2019, 05:15:18 PM »
Be grateful that your S has not threatened to kill your exH as mine did (repeatedly) and I had to ensure that all knives were locked up after one night finding him outside H's room with a knife in his hand screaming and shouting at H.

Awww....Song!  He was just totally your Cub, and acted out accordingly.  He was soooo protective of you.

Obviously I don't want S15 to do that, but your S's actions were a primal thing - defending his Mama Bear.  God knows I've sent xH waaaaay too many texts defending S15.  And there may be even more (stay tuned!)
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 05:17:04 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #115 on: March 14, 2019, 05:29:46 PM »
Mego, maybe he will buy him a small truck, instead of a car.  Maybe you could even suggest it.

I don't do freeways!!  They scare the heck out of me.  Crazy drivers going 85 miles an hour.  Nope not for me.  I take alternative routes.

Well try not to worry too bad until something happens.

I have to say though, I'm still happy for you son his dad wants a relationship with him.
So many deadbeats dad's out there who don't give a rip about their kids.

Yes Song, my H was slowly changing a lot for at least a year or more before he went full into his crisis.
Anger, Confusion, Escape and Avoid, I suppose for awhile first.
Btw, I'm so sorry to hear that about your son.  I had no idea.  Wow the anger he must have had. :'(
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline forthetrees

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #116 on: March 14, 2019, 05:47:59 PM »
Mego,
What if you reframed the visit as one to the grandparents? Would you be so angry that your son was visiting them?

It seems that you are running on the fuel of anger and actively find ways to make your exh the source of that fuel. Yes, he is likely being an asshat but you are giving him WAY too much headspace. Learning self-calming breathing techniques will take you much further on your journey and help your mental and physical health. Staying in the whirlpool of anger is "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Exploding with anger and whipping off texts while saying that the card was motivated by a WWJD moment is whipsawing behavior. Your unpredictability will likely keep your exh far away as he never knows whether he´ll be seeing Cruella Deville or Snow White.

We are a gathering of fixers and worriers and reformed fixers and worriers and reforming fixers and worriers. Where are you on that continuum? Please reread Mortesbride´s post- it´s a gem.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #117 on: March 14, 2019, 06:27:21 PM »
Mego,
What if you reframed the visit as one to the grandparents? Would you be so angry that your son was visiting them?


Yes.

Because said grandparents are the SOLE REASON xH is as firetrucked-up as he is.  And now, they're presumably implementing the same firetrucked-up-ness upon S15. 

This is the root of my anger....

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #118 on: March 14, 2019, 11:03:16 PM »
Thanx xy

Apparently, I'm in the minority of folks who don't feel we should be all "rah-rah!" and "good on you!" for XH's pathetic attempts at a relationship with his own son.

No Mego, that's not it at all. You are choosing to waeponize your child, to pour out your pain and anger on him, to attempt to manipulate his R with his father in whatever way you can. My xW1 pulled the same crap when she went off on her MLC, to the point where I had to threaten to haul her happy butt back to court to enforce my parental rights.

As Mort noted, that didn't turn out well in the end. D29 moved from KY to AZ to get away from xW and her anger and bitterness.

Let me AK you a pointed question, one that a Mentor long before me asked me and others - "How is your anger, your bitterness, your rage serving you? What need is it filling in your life? What do you expect to get out of it?"

Because as long as you choose to allow it to control you, to poison your R with your S (and yes, that is exactly what it is doing), nothing is going to change.

Your Mid-Lifer is showing your angry texts, your cards, your letters to everyone and anyome he can as evidence that yep, his ex is a Bat Snot Crazy rage-filled Harpy... In fact, he may be saving them and at some point will go back to his lawyer and use them against you. That is how I proved my case against xW1. I had a case for parental alienation, for enforcement of parental time, and a cease-and-desist notification for harassment all loaded up and ready to go. The cease-and-desist motion was actually filed and a written communication only no contact order was issued because of her rages.

It is long past time to start getting your happy rear end off of H's emotional train wreck and take back your power over your own emotional household, your own emotional well-being. Yes, it takes time to do this but you keep saying how long you've been at this - about 3 years since BD if I recall correctly.

Your car example, for example, WHO GIVES A FIRETRUCK IF DAD BUYS HIM A CAR? Then, you don't have to! S has his own transportation. FFS, that's not a bad thing.. Something less on your plate to deal with.

Another thing, you keep saying you know H will come back. You will not want to hear this but too bad. If you were in H's place, if you were on the receiving end of your vitriol and rage. That you post here (assuming that what you say you send to H is, in fact what you send) would YOU want to go back to the person spewing?

You continue to give all your power to H and OW to steer your emotional well-being (at least from what we can see here by your posts). I see NO personal growth whatsoever, no introspection, no learning. Instead, I read rage-filled name calling epithets. Maybe that is only part of what's going on in your world and that is all you choose to release here. That we collectively don't know. We can only base our observations on your posts here.

Mego, you are better than that. You can be better than that. You quote RCR constantly as an example. BE like she was, like Stayed was, like Acorn is. They were/are NOT going around lobbing $#!t-grenades at their Mid-Lifers. They are/were not trying to "make their Mid-Lifer see the light, the error of their ways." They were/are not trying to weaponize their children or use their kids to attempt to manipulate their Mid-Lifers....

Otherwise, all you will accomplish in the end is that your R with your S will be irrevocably damaged, just like my D29's is with her mother.

However, JUST LIKE THE MID-LIFER, it is YOUR choice. Your choice, your actions, your consequences, your responsibility.

UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #119 on: March 15, 2019, 03:05:11 AM »
First off I think writing the card isn't a way to reach him. It was an attempt to manipulate him into seeing the way you see things. That type of behaviour is never going to work, and likely going to come back to bite you in the ass just like Nah said. Believe me we have all been there, done it, tried it. Thank god WA has a delete before read feature that's all I am saying.  :o

Thanx Mortes

Actually, the card was only meant to Pave the Way/extend an olive branch, in return for the olive branch that he'd extended to me at S15's show.  He'd said S15 was "only like this because of YOU, Mego!", and he was crying when he said it.  I asked him why he was crying.  He said, "I'm just proud of him!" 

So no manipulation whatsoever, just a WWJD? act.

Now I am only speaking from personal experience here but..I find the whole 'paving the way' has to be done IN THE MOMENT.

Just a few days ago Beast told me that a text I sent him earlier in the week...that he responded unnecessarily poorly to, would have gotten a completely different reaction a few hours earlier or later. This was his attempt at an apology, but at the same time I know it is entirely true. He went on to say to me ''Some days I don't give a firetruck what happens to you, and some days...all I can think about is how much I l.....like you''.

They are so confused and emotionally out of control that a card you give him today will be taken one way, and tomorrow completely another way.

So as much as we read about 'paving the way' and 'truth darts' and such...it has to be IN THE MOMENT. The moment when you see prisoner face to face. Not because you saw him Monday or Wed, or after Christmas dinner. Directly in the moment.

A good truth dart, or paved moment has never been pre meditated...not that I have seen. All the ones that matter have to come in a few seconds flat, which means they have to be real. The process of healing within yourself has to be real...because you can't pre-plan that. It has to be genuine to be effective. Otherwise it looks like manipulation.

I hope that makes sense. :)
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 03:07:26 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #120 on: March 15, 2019, 03:38:18 AM »
Very true, Mort.

This is another thing RCR wrote on Paving the Way:

Paving the Way

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness.

Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer.

Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #121 on: March 15, 2019, 06:33:12 AM »
Just a thought from rp. My kids relationship with their father is non existent. I have tried texting, emails , being nice, being angry but h is half arsed to vanisher dad. I would be jumping for joy if my h complained that he was losing time with our kids. I can count on one hand how many calls my kids have had in 4.5 yrs and the ( insert whatever you like) lives 4 minutes away by car. I do believe in boundaries when Co parenting but compromise is a must I feel. It’s how we go about trying to compromise that determines whether it is a good outcome or not.

In my situation my kids are healthier without their father but that I believe is not the norm and I certainly wish it wasn’t the outcome for my kids.

I would love h to see his kids as much as possible and text and ring everyday but the last text my son got was h couldn’t see him on his weekend off as helping a friend and does things on a Sunday with his new family and can’t see you xmas day as working. ( 4 minutes away) . I even suggested a parenting app but that was unreasonable aswell. I have given up trying to make him be a father and I feel great and less stress for my kids as mum isn’t  getting frustrated with dad. Kids aren’t getting frustrated with dad. son says will punch his father if sees him in the street. All I say is no you won’t as h is still your father.

After this trauma we tend to go into wrap them in cotton wool mama bear over protective mode. Sometimes we just need to go with the flow. Took me a time to learn it but honestly mego, you will feel much better in yourself if you just start saying to your self oh well h being a Twat again but not spoiling my day and just smile at you son and if son Ok with it then say no problem son. Then come on hs and raise the roof about h.

Those are just my thoughts and each lbs situation is different. Xx
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 06:35:49 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #122 on: March 15, 2019, 02:59:30 PM »
I wanted to throw this out for consideration. When we make a big deal about how the older children "should have a relationship with both parents", where are the kids wants and desires taken into account? When my D was in high school, she had after school plays, robotics, friends and ativities on weekends.  Her parental interactions were relegated to special trips or evenings or maybe vacations.  She sure as heck didn’t travel 4.5 hours to see us, she didn't give up her activities to entertain us, she didn't worry about hurting our feelings because she was doing teenager things.

Yet we expect these teenagers to give up part of their lives because "both parents need to have a relationship with their kids". That sounds an awful lot like placating parents is preferable to letting your teenagers grow to be their own people.

My son lives with his dad 7.5 hours away. I don't like it. I told my son that once, and I told him "I can be upset about this and it can still be ok. I get to be upset. But I still love you and you are always welcome wherever I am". My son said "Really?". And that was that. It's not about me or his dad. It's about S. His OWN self care.

Teaching your kids that they should get their own voice should be the goal. Not forcing them to have a relationship they may or may not want with "both parents".

MOO.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #123 on: March 15, 2019, 04:56:50 PM »
Adding one more thing, as an anecdote. When my mother's health went south yesterday and I texted the kids, S (now 19 and without individual vehicle) found his way 7.5 hour  to here, without any help from his father. He hitched a ride with a friend. This is what setting them free does. They do what they know to be THEIR right thing. Lucky for me it coincides with my right thing.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #124 on: March 15, 2019, 05:01:10 PM »
p.s. Mort -- I HEAR YOU.

It is so hard to see they're *not* normal while they're acting so normal.  You truly believe you've turned a corner with them, and the nightmare is (ALMOST) OVER.

I really believed that when he was crying, and gave me kudos re: S15.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 05:54:10 PM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #125 on: March 15, 2019, 06:15:22 PM »
p.p.s. Remember the ending of "Poltergeist", wherein Carole-Anne says "no more." 

That's *exactly* how I feel.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 06:33:15 PM by megogirl »

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #126 on: March 16, 2019, 06:13:38 AM »
MEGOGIRL I understand that 'no more' feeling.  After 5+ years of this I still say PLEASE 'no more.  I suspect I will always suffer PTSD and have a heightened sense of possible danger lurking.

You are getting great advice that I hope you are reading and absorbing.  When I'm in the middle of a stressful situation I can't always trust my judgment.  That's where the wise lbs come into play and offer tried and true counsel.  A MLC-er is a different spouse than our pre-MLCER. 

MEGOGIRL I understand Mama Bear mode.  Let's face it, we are all our children have, at the moment.  However, regardless of what we think, the MLC father is still a parent.  Albeit a selfish, self-absorbed and have lost focus of what's truly important but they are a parent  nonetheless.  With the same rights as the lbs, no less.  Allow your son to navigate the direction of father/son interactions without MEGOGIRL. This may help him with future relationships and establishing boundaries. While he is your child, he is almost a man. 

MEGOGIRL, do you want advise from the lbs-ers? Or, do you want to do it your way and defend your actions when others disagree? I get you want to pave the way, but, being disagreeable with (in my humble opinion) with your husband and fault finding (granted they give us a lot to find fault in)will not
give him pleasant thoughts of MEGOGIRL.  It make you look like the enemy and the OW HIS protector.  You may give no thought to the OW(and you shouldn't)but remember she is his safe place to protect him from his mean wife.  This give the OW the power.  Do you not see this?

MEGOGIRL I have been harsher than usual but I truly think it's warranted. I hope you can see I come from a good place and I'm not trying to be rude.  I only want to see how your current actions are NOT helping the situation. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline OldPilot

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #127 on: March 16, 2019, 07:29:58 AM »
Just my .02 for what it is worth.

You want to turn your sword into your shield, let the anger help to protect you not on the offensive but on the defensive.

Concerning children, the object is to not get in the way of their relationship with your spouse or ex spouse.

They are old enough to make their own decisions and to form their own opinions.

Your best bet is to let them.

Be the BEST parent you can be but sometimes letting them go and be on their own with their own decisions is the best thing you can DO for them.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #128 on: March 16, 2019, 11:23:28 AM »
Just my .02 for what it is worth.

You want to turn your sword into your shield, let the anger help to protect you not on the offensive but on the defensive.

Concerning children, the object is to not get in the way of their relationship with your spouse or ex spouse.

They are old enough to make their own decisions and to form their own opinions.

Your best bet is to let them.

Be the BEST parent you can be but sometimes letting them go and be on their own with their own decisions is the best thing you can DO for them.

This - spot on OP!
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #129 on: March 16, 2019, 12:06:18 PM »
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #130 on: March 16, 2019, 02:54:55 PM »
She sure as heck didn’t travel 4.5 hours to see us, she didn't give up her activities to entertain us, she didn't worry about hurting our feelings because she was doing teenager things.


A-MEN, OffRoad!!

I must say it feels a little odd to be told how "happy" I should be that H still wants a relationship with S15.  Because he only wants a relationship ON HIS TERMS - as in, you come to me, 4.5 hours away from your established teenager life in PA.....you will attend camp here.....I can get you a job with my douchebag friend from high school.....etc, etc.

I am anything but happy.  This man has destroyed my life.   

Offline forthetrees

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #131 on: March 16, 2019, 04:20:49 PM »
Not expecting happiness on your part but hoping for acceptance.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #132 on: March 16, 2019, 04:24:45 PM »
To me, "acceptance" = waiting to die.

That's what I am at this point.  Because when marriage is dead....the sole Covenant I took until death.....what else is there?

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #133 on: March 16, 2019, 04:30:20 PM »

I must say it feels a little odd to be told how "happy" I should be that H still wants a relationship with S15.  Because he only wants a relationship ON HIS TERMS - as in, you come to me, 4.5 hours away from your established teenager life in PA.....you will attend camp here.....I can get you a job with my douchebag friend from high school.....etc, etc.

I am anything but happy.  This man has destroyed my life.

Yes. That is part and parcel of this crisis.

In my experience, you cannot do anything about this - it will take as long as it takes and it IS good that your H wants a relationship with S15. Good for your son and good for his father.

This man has NOT destroyed your life - you are still breathing, you live with your son, even with MS, you have life before you. Do not allow this negative thought take over your life.

I ask you to change your focus, both you and your son deserve it.
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Online nah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #134 on: March 16, 2019, 04:51:45 PM »
To me, "acceptance" = waiting to die.

That's what I am at this point.  Because when marriage is dead....the sole Covenant I took until death.....what else is there?

Choices.

Wait to die or choose to live.

Sit or dance.

Anger or happiness.

Support your son or cause friction.

Focus on a man that left or focus your own self.

All choices you can make, that's what is there.

H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Maleficent

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #135 on: March 16, 2019, 04:59:20 PM »
Mego,
I have bleak moments when I feel the same way, but you (and I) have a son who needs you.  And maybe this is all happening for a reason. I sometimes wonder if this situation will be the making of my son into a fine man--one who can feel emotions and express himself and take care of those who care about him.  If it will be the making of him and teach him resilience and empathy, then maybe there is a reason. My heart goes out to you and your son.   Please take care, Maleficent

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #136 on: March 16, 2019, 05:55:51 PM »
And maybe this is all happening for a reason. I sometimes wonder if this situation will be the making of my son into a fine man--one who can feel emotions and express himself and take care of those who care about him.  If it will be the making of him and teach him resilience and empathy, then maybe there is a reason

Thank you, Mal....

I have often looked to RCR's words for guidance on this, and she'd said "What if your children saw that relationships aren't always easy, but they can be healed?"   

Those words continue to resonate......

Offline forthetrees

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #137 on: March 16, 2019, 08:07:16 PM »
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #138 on: March 17, 2019, 03:35:36 PM »
Thanx, For.....

But I'm afraid he's broken me.  I am finally defeated.

And I was resilient for 2.5 years.

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #139 on: March 17, 2019, 05:40:45 PM »
Megogirl,

I see that it is your birthday today. Happy birthday!! I hope you are doing something nice for yourself today :)

But I'm afraid he's broken me.  I am finally defeated.

And I was resilient for 2.5 years.

This crisis breaks us - our job is to pick up our broken pieces and find ways to mend. You have mentioned that you are seeing a therapist, that is great self care and a sign of resilience. You owe it to yourself and your son to seek healing. Leave your h. be - he is on his own journey.

I am sorry this is being so hard for you and I really hope that you can find joy going forward. Let him go and let God take care of him, He is more than capable ;)
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #140 on: March 17, 2019, 06:05:14 PM »
Thanx Mitz but WHOA.....how did you know it was/is my birthday?!?

Offline forthetrees

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #141 on: March 17, 2019, 06:16:54 PM »
My personal theory is that if you don´t off yourself in the first three weeks, you´re going to make it. Since you are past that marker, you obviously have the wherewithal to pull out of this and make a life for yourself. Give yourself permission to not be the perfect mom as you continue to heal. By that I mean, so what if the dishes sit in the sink overnight, dust does not multiply and you can wear jeans more than once without a washing. Simply the daily tasks of life in order to make time for you. Teach your son how to make two dishes and be willing to eat them every week to give yourself a break. He´ll thank you down the road when he knows how to care for himself. Remember, before you met your h you were a complete being and you are STILL that person.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #142 on: March 17, 2019, 06:27:18 PM »
Thanx For.....

But were/are you aware that I now have a SECOND warrant for my arrest in the state of NY, courtesy of XH?!?

This was, and is, the straw that has broken this camel's back.  And, I'd already tried to off myself after the last time he had me arrested.

Even my therapist said to me: "I've never seen anything like this."

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #143 on: March 17, 2019, 06:55:32 PM »
Just a few words!

Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday MEGO!!!!!

(((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #144 on: March 17, 2019, 07:05:15 PM »
Awe, thank you, dear READY

48...but couldn't care less about my age any more!
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 07:06:37 PM by megogirl »

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #145 on: March 17, 2019, 07:06:03 PM »
I agree with Forthetrees.  However, I did try to kill myself twice because I wanted the pain to stop.  Ended up in behavior health.  Took a another patient ( probably 22 at most) to tell me how to get discharged. 

MEGOGIRL the MLC-ER is going to do what they do.  Most are the same with varying degrees of craziness.  Seems Mr. Megoman is a middle of the road MLC-er. How sad is that? All the crazy and he's just average MLC-er.  If you can, get off the emotional roller-coaster.  Interact and react as little as possible. 

My birthday was January 28th.  I wanted husband to acknowledged it in some way.  Not a gift, just a happy birthday.  I got nothing and it hurt.  Did I have expectations? YES!!!!! After 5+ years of his behavior I thought the least he could do was wish the mother of his children happy birthday.  Nothing!!! I decided (well another lbs on my thread)  this only hurt me.  Mr. YROT was giving me the best he's capable of giving me right now.  I suspect Mr. Megoman is still in replay try  not to take to much of his actions to heart. 

Has God given you assurance of the outcome? God told me to trust the process.  As hard as it is, I'm standing on God's Word. 

I wrote all that to say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGOGIRL ❤️🌸💙🍷🍸💚👍🏾🤩🤡💄🧚🏿‍♂️💃🏾👑✨💥🍨🍭
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #146 on: March 17, 2019, 07:11:17 PM »
MEGOGIRL my husband is law enforcement.  He knows the majorly of the judges, police officers and lawyers.  He tried to use his connections to have legal actions taken against me.  Had a protection order taken out against me. They are so devious. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #147 on: March 17, 2019, 08:24:46 PM »
Happy birthday mego. Did you do something that you wanted to do today? Do you have some friends to celebrate with?

There is a 9 day prayer called the Surrender Novena....if you allow yourself to really sink into the prayers for each day, and repeat the  "O, Jesus, I surrender all to you, You take care of it" it might help to decrease your anxiety...it does for me and sometimes I say it days in a row..because the prayers make sense.


https://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p03530.htm

One time, when I was deep deep in despair, a friend wrote me "God loves you immensely"..it stopped me in my tracks, that God loved me so much......

As my faith deepened, my fear/anxiety/distress/anger/hopelessness/sadness decreased...I started to feel alive again and life became much easier.

You don't need to be Catholic to say this prayer, just lean upon our Lord and lay it all at His feet and trust in His being aware of every tear you shed....let Him take care of it.

One other thing mego, you stated that you are on antidepressants. Do you think that you may need an adjustment in the dose or the medication? Perhaps something to talk to your doctor about.

I am sorry this is so hard.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 08:44:48 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online BrenM

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #148 on: March 17, 2019, 11:43:57 PM »
♫♫♫Happy Birthday to you♫♫♫.... ♫♫♫Happy Birthday to YOUUU♫♫♫... ♫♫♫Happy Birthday dear Megogirl♫♫♫Happy Birthday to you♫♫♫

Hope you have had a fantastic day beautiful lady! 😘🍷🍹🍸

 Don’t worry about Mr Megoman (love this name yellowrose 😂)...he is not your H atm.  Your H has metamorphosed into someone else who at this point in time you don’t know.   Don’t put anything beyond him.

I hope you shouted yourself some tickets to a Redsox game?
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #149 on: March 18, 2019, 12:57:13 AM »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Silver

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #150 on: March 18, 2019, 01:22:55 AM »
Happy Birthday megogirl  :)

And now you'll need a new Thread please - UM


New thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10738.0
« Last Edit: March 18, 2019, 12:16:04 PM by Thunder »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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