Author Topic: My Story And the drama carries on....  (Read 3235 times)

Offline Nas

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My Story Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2019, 09:21:55 AM »
What makes you think your H is having an MLC? Until now, you have not posted anything that points toward that. Yes, he had an affair.

I beg to differ here, but what difference does it make? Our purpose is not to diagnose others, but to provide support and encouragement.

After all, my advice to Mego would still be the exact same, let go of the rope, start doing things that help you and your son, and start living a life as if they are not ever coming back.

He keeps in touch with your son twice a day with phone calls. He drives a long distance to watch his shows. This suggests his relationship with your son remains as solid as it can be in spite of the distance.

I don't get this perspective. The man abandoned his son to go shack up with his honey. It's not like he is in the military or had to leave the area for employment. Two phone calls a day doesn't make a father. I've never met the man, don't know what is said on the calls, or see any of the body language. Truly, does he call his son out of love and concern, or does he do it to alleviate his guilt? I don't know, I am not a mind reader.

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You send him nasty text messages and make angry comments and he zips his lips in response. He does not take your bait.

Monster does not always appear in MLC. I do agree that the angry text messages and comments do no good. It would be much better to come on the forum to vent your anger and frustration.

I posted often the desire to stone OM. Hit in the head with a one to three pound stone. Wanted to fly over England in a jet and try to hit him with blue ice after hitting flush. Thought about kidnapping both he and my ex and leaving them in Saudi Arabia with signs around both their necks "We are adulterers". Even searched online about voodoo curses as well. In fact, if anything ever happens bad to my ex or OM, my site postings and computer searches would lead to my immediate arrest.

However, to my ex, I was always detached. Even post marriage, I am fair. Paid every cent of child support and alimony on time. Did all the court documents to separate or assets per the agreement. Her disabled parking tag mailed to my house, mailed it to her immediately. Why? Because I was not going to let her bad behavior define mine.

I got a life. I pulled myself off the mat and from the brink of bankruptcy. That was six years ago. In fact, today is the anniversary of my SIL's death. I was heartbroken and defeated. Just reflected on that-sorry for the break in continuity.

We want Mego to do the same. I want her to post of the things she is doing for herself. I don't care if it's getting her nails done. Just starting to live again-for herself.

In my opinion, that is the why we post,

((((Ready))))

Agreed. Ready, I am glad you said this first, but I will take it there and go a step further. Goner, there is blunt and there is rude. Please take a look at the way that you speak to people and the way you voice your opinion because you are consistently on the side of rude, bordering on mean, instead of just blunt.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2019, 09:24:34 AM »
I don’t think I saw a physical change but what I witnessed was a change in his demeanour. The way he walked and stood was different. The expressions on his face were different. His eyes were different. I often wondered if it was just me who saw it but his family also the change. His own mother said it was like he was possessed by the devil and his sister said he’s angry at the world. Friends who have recently seen him say he just looks different from how he looked when he was with you. His face is different, he looks haggard and disheveled- but said they can’t put specific finger on what’s changed apart from that- just that he looks different. The obvious weight loss but also I think his face just looks defensive & angry. They said he doesn’t look happy. So sometimes it’s not obvious physical change that makes someone look different- it’s all these subtleties that add up to make the transformation.

I’m not sure that proves that he’s not having a MLC. There’s no sign on their foreheads and we often say no one else can see the crazy and to outside world they look normal.

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2019, 09:27:52 AM »
I didn’t see an instantaneous change either, but I did see what others describe we are slowly over a fairly short period of time, his whole demeanor changed and the shark eyes came out.

 Some people who have known him as long as I have have commented that now he looks more puffy, almost bloated and there’s something different but no one can pinpoint it. But the biggest change I saw was slowly over the course of a year he just became more grumpy and angry. And then after BD he just became someone I don’t even know. Empty eyes, completely different personality. In the beginning the mood changes were like a roller coaster but those stopped eventually.

I can’t really say anything about him now because I haven’t seen him in person in so long.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2019, 09:33:07 AM »
When my xH was coming around a lot in 2012 there were days that were very much the "sudden" changes (gave me a ton of hope!). I treasured those times. They were in stark contrast to how he might act the next day, week, etc. No expectations, but great things to observe. He also had prior to BD had the awareness of being trapped in something.

Mego, you don't have to justify anything about MLC or your beliefs here. There are many things on your threads that are not just exit affair oriented. Extreme things even, I think, that prove there's something much more at play with your H. We get it. At least most of us do. ;)
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2019, 09:39:05 AM »
Hey mego. Although these moments when they actually seem sane are nice, they often sent me over analyzing every word said, every gesture and expression. I couldn’t help myself and I have really good LBSer friends who did the same.

I also would crash after such encounters. I wasn’t detached enough to handle his showing kindness to me.

Just in case you experience this. It really is a rollercoaster.

Goner. When someone is hurting a little empathy can really help them. Totally agree with ready. No one could positively say that their spouse is having a MLc or not. We can only look at the behaviors and symptoms which look similar for individuals in crisis and yes it doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that our families have been destroyed and our marriages are over. Our spouses do not live with us, they have divorced us without any discussion or willingness to at least attempt to resolve whatever the problem was after long time happy marriages.

I recoiled at your words, maybe he just left you to have an affair. Really hurtful to someone who is struggling with the reality that against her will she was divorced.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2019, 09:41:06 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2019, 09:41:30 AM »
My H stonewalled me when I went off on him too. I have stopped doing that though I am further along in the process. But I would rage text him about his "choices" and he would simply ignore. Which, in my opinion, is far worse than anything Monster can say. It shows an utter lack of caring which is excruciating.


Also, my H got the shark eyes bad. They are somewhat gone. But he is a crier for sure. Especially when reminded of his prior life. Remember, they are in escape and avoid land. Any semblance of their old lives at this point in the journey reminds them not only of what they threw away, but their actions in particular that caused it. And they will run from that guilt and shame at all costs.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Nas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2019, 09:46:57 AM »
KIT, yes!!!  Being ignored is by far the worst. In the very very early days, like the first three weeks, I sent angry messages that were absolutely completely ignored. I will never forget how bad that hurt. But it taught me really fast to just stop contacting because it was only going to hurt me more.

The crying thing, like I said I haven’t seen him in a long time. But when I did see him, right up to the day that he came over to tell me that he was moving 1000 miles away, he would not say the word divorce and every time I mentioned our marriage being over his eyes would immediately fill with tears. The last time I saw him in person, I asked him why he was moving to be with his OW without divorcing me. He started to cry and had to leave the room.

 Early on, I had angrily told him to stop calling me by his nickname for me. I told him he doesn’t get to call me that anymore and that that is a nickname used only by people who love and respect me. Months later, he called me by that nickname when we were having a face-to-face discussion and then broke down in tears and said “even though you told me not to call you that anymore.“

I tend to think now he does not cry when he thinks of anything about me. But for at least the first 18 months or two years, he welled up a lot.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline xyzcf

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2019, 09:51:55 AM »
My daughter has told me several times when her father has cried when he is with her or on the phone. I had only seen him cry once in 35?years. He definitely was NOT a crying man.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2019, 10:08:43 AM »
I don't get this perspective. The man abandoned his son to go shack up with his honey. It's not like he is in the military or had to leave the area for employment. Two phone calls a day doesn't make a father. I've never met the man, don't know what is said on the calls, or see any of the body language. Truly, does he call his son out of love and concern, or does he do it to alleviate his guilt? I don't know, I am not a mind reader.

I totally agree.  Its very narrow minded to think that just becasue they don’t completely abandon their children that they are not having a MLC.  My H sees his children but its comepletly on his terms, selfish and to save face.  If you reread MLC blog list- it does state that they fear a loss of status and reputation rather something physical.  He is also walking around trying to still be old H that everyone admired and looked up to- he cant let people see the monster.

  Pre MLC H was a doting selfless father. The kind that people would notice and say- hes such a good dad and husband.  He was perfect.  He is far from that now but cant let others see it (although his actions mean he has fallen from that pedalstal- but he cant see it).  Im glad in some ways that he hasnt abandoned them completely but unfortunately I believe thats only because they are too small to refuse to be around OW.  If they were older and said either her or us devastatingly me and them know what he would chose and that currently he is comepletly selfish and has no capacity to love them selflessly or unconditionally whilst in MLC.  He cant accept this fact in his own head and he tells himself many other distorted things such as..... “im a good father”, “im fighting for my kids”, “shes taken them from me”, “ive left her not them”, “they are resilient and will accept it all”, “they will be fine with joining OW’s family and she can be there mother and we can all run off into the sunset together” etc etc.  If he lets himself believe anything else then his life would crumble and he would hit rock bottom and thats what hes running from.  He is definelty I believe 98% of the time having a MLC. 

In terms of IL’s.  I cant judge them or say they are bad people as its not black and white.  One thing ive learnt from this process is that you cant judge unless you are in their shoes.  I think they are weak people and I dont agree with how they have handled the situation.  I also feel they have let my children down....but im trying to forgive.  If I ever get the chance I will tell them everything I need to. 

Offline Thunder

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2019, 11:11:57 AM »
I've often said, I do not believe every spouse on here who leaves and gets a divorce is in a MLC.
Certainly most but not all.

There may be some who just wanted out of the marriage, but lacked the maturity and courage to do it so they have an affair as an excuse to leave the marriage.
That is an Exit affair and they do not return to the marriage.

Thing is no one knows for sure who is a MLC for sure, and who isn't, and does it really matter?

The LBS still needs support. They are devastated either way.  Showing kindness and understanding is important for everyone here.  The advice would be the same either way.  Live as though they are not coming back and make a life for yourself.
Put your focus on you and your kids.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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