Author Topic: My Story And the drama carries on....  (Read 3233 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #120 on: March 15, 2019, 03:38:18 AM »
Very true, Mort.

This is another thing RCR wrote on Paving the Way:

Paving the Way

Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness.

Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer.

Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #121 on: March 15, 2019, 06:33:12 AM »
Just a thought from rp. My kids relationship with their father is non existent. I have tried texting, emails , being nice, being angry but h is half arsed to vanisher dad. I would be jumping for joy if my h complained that he was losing time with our kids. I can count on one hand how many calls my kids have had in 4.5 yrs and the ( insert whatever you like) lives 4 minutes away by car. I do believe in boundaries when Co parenting but compromise is a must I feel. It’s how we go about trying to compromise that determines whether it is a good outcome or not.

In my situation my kids are healthier without their father but that I believe is not the norm and I certainly wish it wasn’t the outcome for my kids.

I would love h to see his kids as much as possible and text and ring everyday but the last text my son got was h couldn’t see him on his weekend off as helping a friend and does things on a Sunday with his new family and can’t see you xmas day as working. ( 4 minutes away) . I even suggested a parenting app but that was unreasonable aswell. I have given up trying to make him be a father and I feel great and less stress for my kids as mum isn’t  getting frustrated with dad. Kids aren’t getting frustrated with dad. son says will punch his father if sees him in the street. All I say is no you won’t as h is still your father.

After this trauma we tend to go into wrap them in cotton wool mama bear over protective mode. Sometimes we just need to go with the flow. Took me a time to learn it but honestly mego, you will feel much better in yourself if you just start saying to your self oh well h being a Twat again but not spoiling my day and just smile at you son and if son Ok with it then say no problem son. Then come on hs and raise the roof about h.

Those are just my thoughts and each lbs situation is different. Xx
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 06:35:49 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #122 on: March 15, 2019, 02:59:30 PM »
I wanted to throw this out for consideration. When we make a big deal about how the older children "should have a relationship with both parents", where are the kids wants and desires taken into account? When my D was in high school, she had after school plays, robotics, friends and ativities on weekends.  Her parental interactions were relegated to special trips or evenings or maybe vacations.  She sure as heck didn’t travel 4.5 hours to see us, she didn't give up her activities to entertain us, she didn't worry about hurting our feelings because she was doing teenager things.

Yet we expect these teenagers to give up part of their lives because "both parents need to have a relationship with their kids". That sounds an awful lot like placating parents is preferable to letting your teenagers grow to be their own people.

My son lives with his dad 7.5 hours away. I don't like it. I told my son that once, and I told him "I can be upset about this and it can still be ok. I get to be upset. But I still love you and you are always welcome wherever I am". My son said "Really?". And that was that. It's not about me or his dad. It's about S. His OWN self care.

Teaching your kids that they should get their own voice should be the goal. Not forcing them to have a relationship they may or may not want with "both parents".

MOO.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline OffRoad

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #123 on: March 15, 2019, 04:56:50 PM »
Adding one more thing, as an anecdote. When my mother's health went south yesterday and I texted the kids, S (now 19 and without individual vehicle) found his way 7.5 hour  to here, without any help from his father. He hitched a ride with a friend. This is what setting them free does. They do what they know to be THEIR right thing. Lucky for me it coincides with my right thing.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #124 on: March 15, 2019, 05:01:10 PM »
p.s. Mort -- I HEAR YOU.

It is so hard to see they're *not* normal while they're acting so normal.  You truly believe you've turned a corner with them, and the nightmare is (ALMOST) OVER.

I really believed that when he was crying, and gave me kudos re: S15.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 05:54:10 PM by megogirl »

Offline megogirlTopic starter

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #125 on: March 15, 2019, 06:15:22 PM »
p.p.s. Remember the ending of "Poltergeist", wherein Carole-Anne says "no more." 

That's *exactly* how I feel.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 06:33:15 PM by megogirl »

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #126 on: March 16, 2019, 06:13:38 AM »
MEGOGIRL I understand that 'no more' feeling.  After 5+ years of this I still say PLEASE 'no more.  I suspect I will always suffer PTSD and have a heightened sense of possible danger lurking.

You are getting great advice that I hope you are reading and absorbing.  When I'm in the middle of a stressful situation I can't always trust my judgment.  That's where the wise lbs come into play and offer tried and true counsel.  A MLC-er is a different spouse than our pre-MLCER. 

MEGOGIRL I understand Mama Bear mode.  Let's face it, we are all our children have, at the moment.  However, regardless of what we think, the MLC father is still a parent.  Albeit a selfish, self-absorbed and have lost focus of what's truly important but they are a parent  nonetheless.  With the same rights as the lbs, no less.  Allow your son to navigate the direction of father/son interactions without MEGOGIRL. This may help him with future relationships and establishing boundaries. While he is your child, he is almost a man. 

MEGOGIRL, do you want advise from the lbs-ers? Or, do you want to do it your way and defend your actions when others disagree? I get you want to pave the way, but, being disagreeable with (in my humble opinion) with your husband and fault finding (granted they give us a lot to find fault in)will not
give him pleasant thoughts of MEGOGIRL.  It make you look like the enemy and the OW HIS protector.  You may give no thought to the OW(and you shouldn't)but remember she is his safe place to protect him from his mean wife.  This give the OW the power.  Do you not see this?

MEGOGIRL I have been harsher than usual but I truly think it's warranted. I hope you can see I come from a good place and I'm not trying to be rude.  I only want to see how your current actions are NOT helping the situation. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline OldPilot

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #127 on: March 16, 2019, 07:29:58 AM »
Just my .02 for what it is worth.

You want to turn your sword into your shield, let the anger help to protect you not on the offensive but on the defensive.

Concerning children, the object is to not get in the way of their relationship with your spouse or ex spouse.

They are old enough to make their own decisions and to form their own opinions.

Your best bet is to let them.

Be the BEST parent you can be but sometimes letting them go and be on their own with their own decisions is the best thing you can DO for them.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #128 on: March 16, 2019, 11:23:28 AM »
Just my .02 for what it is worth.

You want to turn your sword into your shield, let the anger help to protect you not on the offensive but on the defensive.

Concerning children, the object is to not get in the way of their relationship with your spouse or ex spouse.

They are old enough to make their own decisions and to form their own opinions.

Your best bet is to let them.

Be the BEST parent you can be but sometimes letting them go and be on their own with their own decisions is the best thing you can DO for them.

This - spot on OP!
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: And the drama carries on....
« Reply #129 on: March 16, 2019, 12:06:18 PM »
M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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