Author Topic: My Story I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.  (Read 1181 times)

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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My Story I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« on: March 06, 2019, 01:54:17 PM »
Before you ask its a line from Rick and Morty that my daughter and i laugh at all the time and kept me going.

Married 18 years.

May 2017: MLC Begins: I really think this is when i started to see a change in the W.  All of a sudden she joined a hiking group with a bunch of people from our gym.  And although she had never hiked before it became the most important thing in her life.  I didn't enjoy it and i really didn't mind her going alone all the time.

October 2017:  Long story short on one of the hikes W had a medical issue with altitude and after 6 months of training failed to reach the top.  W cried for a solid 2 weeks about it and was miserable.  In retrospect i think this was the "trigger"

Nov 2017:  W started talking to one of the guys at the gym a LOT.  I noticed but didn't really care that much because i just figured they were friends.

January 2018: W exploded at me one day, says she is sick of my being miserable and that she is not responsible for my happiness.  I didn't really consider myself to be unhappy, and i honestly don't think I came off that way at all.  I was like all the other dads in their 40s plugging away with work, kids, saving for retirement family etc.

March 2018: W really exploded at me again because i yelled at  my teenager for throwing a popcorn bowl full of seeds on the floor - and i am not kidding - while i had said, can you guys try to keep the carpet clean for the next 60 minutes.  I can admit i yelled, but i had been cleaning a long time.  Rather than agree with me and tell my D14 to not have a temper tabtrun and throw stuff on the floor - she freaked on me saying not to yell at our daughter.

Aptil 2018:  Wife had been chatting online a LOT.  And she would actually turn her phone when i walked my so that i couldnt see what she was typing.  One day she had left her phone in the kitchen and a text appeared and it was of a sexual nature from her friend.  Something about liking to see her ass in yoga pants.  I confronted W about it, she said he was just joking and that they were just friends.  She said she would tell him not to do it again.  And i believed her.

May: 2018:  The amount of time she was talking to him started to bother me. She then switched when she would workout to be there at the same time as him.  He was also in the hiking group she was in.  It started bothering me more how much she talked to him.  She would constantly talk about him and his kids.

June 2018:  I told her i didn't like how much time she was with him and i had seen the sexual comments and didn't like the situation.  She screamed at me, said she wouldnt stop the hiking and it wasn't fair that she couldnt have this one friend.  I said i dont want to stop you from the hiking etc, but that i was having a hard time that a  guy she had sexual comments with was with her so much.

August 2018:  BD - ILYBINILWY, i feel different.  You don't make me happy, I want to separate, i can only be happy away from you - but also - I am 40 and i don't know what i want - the kids leave home soon - i am starting over as a 40 year old - you don't respect me -  you objectify me - You don't listen to me.  W only worked 2 mornings  a week.  I have a good job where she was able to only work part time and then go to the gym and do yoga and be around for the kids.  She NEEDED to move out ASAP.  She found the first apartment she could find and signed a lease.  She realized that her credit was not enough so i had to go and cosign the lease for her.

October 2018:  Unless it was directly for the kids or money zero contact with her.  It was hard but i did not even try.  A friend of mine told me to give her space and that is what i did.  We didn't have enough money for the mortgage and the rent and she was also spending money like crazy.  Rather than do anything i just let the bank account drain until there was nothing left.  When i did i phoned her for the first time in nearly 2 months - she screamed at me and told me i purposely didn't get her her own credit card to control her.  I purposely didn't put her on the Car loan so her credit would be poor (She doesn't drive no license).   A million things that maybe to her made sense but to me didn't.  I never did any of these things.  She had never wanted a credit card we just used bank cards.  The previous month she had actually started working full time because i guess she realized we couldnt make it if she didn't.  Did i mention i had lost almost 30 pounds since this started.  I was actually looking pretty good according to my mom :)

November 2018:  She texted me out of the blue and said she was having a hard time.  She can't drive because of her eye site.  And she had been a stay at home mom for so long that she didn't have a good job.  We relocated to another country so her credit didn't exist.  When we split she told me she was going to live life to the fullest - She would hike every day, she would travel, she would do anything she wanted to do.    The reality was that we were broke and she couldnt drive to go anywhere.  So she was miserable and missed the kids.  I asked her if she wanted to go shoe shopping with the kids and she said yes.  Afterwards she said she wanted to stay the night.  And then she just stayed.

December 2018:  Started marriage therapy and it was crazy really.  She brought up things that she wanted to do that she had never said to me before.  Like travel and be a yoga teacher.  How as a i supposed to know that.  She went on about not liking her life because she felt dependant on me.  Her not driving really limits where you can do.  I can understand that but its not my fault.  And financially - she CHOSE not to work.  She had worked full time a few years earlier but didnt like it.  So we agreed she could quit and just work part time to stay busy.  She then started surfing with a few friends as well as joining a running group.

January 2019:  It was horrible living with her - she would not look me in the eyes. She would not really speak to me.  She would ignore me all the time.  She would not tell me where she was going.  It was a horrible situation.  We were going to therapy but she would say things like - I am working on me.   I feel nothing for you.  I don't want to think of the future.  I I don't know if i want to be with you.  She knows me and she knew things like that would be very hurtful.  She continued to blame me for her unhappiness.  Everything was my fault because of how i treated her.  I really thought i was doing a good job as a husband, i really did.  She was free to go to the gym or do yoga or hike - she went and ran the New york marathon.  I drove her all of the state to various 5 ks and marathons over the the last 10 years.  I really felt like she was free to do whatever she wanted.  She had a different view and would bring up random things and say they proved i was trying to control her or didn't respect her.   She would constantly bring up that i rearranged the dish washer.  She also quit surfing and the running group and starting talking about being a yoga instructor.

Late January 2019:  we had been back in the house together for 2.5 months or so.  I had always been an active dad, but slowly i had to take on pretty much ALL of the Cooking, Groceries, cleaning, laundry, kids activities.  She would get home from work and read.  She would step over a clean buck of laundry of her own that i would fold.  She would step over it rather than take it upstairs.  Since she can't drive i would have to take the kids to morning practices - friends - everything.  I do have to say that i found the kid transportation part to be fun.  I would get alone time with both kids individually.  We would talk and laugh and bond.  It has been one of the few joys i have had.    It was at this time she started to take Anti-depressants.

February 2018:  What a different drugs make.  Almost over night she started to change.  She still blamed me for everything wrong in her life and for her unhappiness but she was not as unhappy as she had been.  Some of the ignoring stopped.  So instead of ignoring me ALL Day she would talk to me a little.  It was at this time though that in therapy she told me that it took almost a year but that she realized she should not have blamed me for all of her unhappiness but that i am still the cause of some of it. 

Valentines day:  I had spent nearly 6 months on hold.  No input on my life and my future because i felt she controlled it all.  I had done nothing but try to show her what a great guy I was and how i could change to be better.  There were a few things she said that i decided i would try and change.    It had been a rainy week.  I had driven the kids to and from school and back for activities.  I had done all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and other chores.  I had bought her an anniversary present #18.  I had bought both kids and her Valentines day cards.  In return i received nothing. Not really even a thank you.   I'd given everything i had for 6 months and on the way home from picking up the kids my D15 informed me that i didn't care about her because i would not go back to the school for a 3rd time to pick up something.  A the same time my S17 informed me that i didn't care about him because i had not answered him when he told me he did well on a test.  When i got home, i called my mother and cried.  For a long time. 

Day after Valentines day:  W came home from work so i talked to her for a few minutes.  I asked her how she was and she told me a few things.  She asked me how i was.  And after 6 months of pain and being ignored I just said it - " I have no idea what is in this marriage for me anymore"   I told her she ignores me and i just don't see why i should stay.  She of course cried a little.

Two days after valentines day:  I think for the first time since ALL of this began she actually had to consider the fact that i might get sick of her crap and leave.  I honestly don't think it ever occurred to her that she can't treat me like garbage all the time and then expect me to stay.  There was a very difficult marriage therapy session - she said she was really scared that i would get fed up and leave and then she would have nothing.  I was sad and i have always felt bad for her.  But she had never even thought about it before.  She's been so selfish and self-centered for so long that it must have been a shocker.  The other thing she said was that she knew i did all of the work in the house and it made her feel like a bad parent. 

March 2019:  I am standing.  She for the first time said in therapy that she does see a possibility that we might remain married.  She hasn't said she loves me or even likes me for that matter since July but i guess its a start.  THough i continue to have some really tough days.













« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 01:57:02 PM by Skates »
Married 2001
MLC W 44
LBS H 46
D15, S17
BD August, 2018
Left home 2.5 months, home since Nov.
Blames me for all of the negative but none of the positive in her life.

“You beat cancer and then you went back to work at the carpet store?.”
― Rick Sanchez

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #1 on: March 06, 2019, 03:14:49 PM »
Hi Skates,

So sorry you’re here. It’s the club no one wants to join but it truly is the best place to be.
I’m sure someone will be along soon with excellent advice. I’m relatively new to this too but hang in there.
Just wanted to say hi and stick around your going to learn some very sound advice which will help you carry the burden.

God bless you

Offline OffRoad

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2019, 03:15:54 PM »
Welcome, Skates. That's been quite a year you have had. It sounds like no matter how much you give it is not enough, and that has to be frustrating.  Has your W always been less participatory around the house, or was this a new thing?

I am sorry your kids are being so teenagery. It doesn't help that they see their mother treating you with disrespect, either. Know that you are going above and beyond, but remember to take care of yourself, and put some behavior boundaries in place.

You're doing well. What do you do for yourself?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline megogirl

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2019, 03:46:09 PM »
Skates~

Addressed you at the bottom of mightymama's thread :)

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2019, 04:01:55 PM »
Hi Skates, thanks for sharing your story.  I don't have much advice, but there are a lot of people here that do have good advice.  I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through.  Your story sounds very similar to mine.  From what you wrote, the way your W treated you was very, very similar to how my H treated me.  The only difference was I didn't know there was someone else in the picture as he never talked about anyone.  He just started "working" a lot more. 

That feeling of being ignored and unappreciated, being told your spouse doesn't know what they want... it definitely is soul crushing.  Hang in there.  It is definitely a rough road, but maybe it will be worth it in the end.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2019, 04:12:16 PM »
Hello,

Like others have stated, you are welcomed to the party that no one really wants to attend. I read your posts and we share a lot in common.

Quote
You're doing well. What do you do for yourself?

This is critical. You need to take care of yourself. Find something that you can focus on just for yourself. it may be just going for a walk by yourself or a special workout.

Quote
I had bought both kids and her Valentines day cards.  In return i received nothing. Not really even a thank you.   I'd given everything i had for 6 months and on the way home from picking up the kids my D15 informed me that i didn't care about her because i would not go back to the school for a 3rd time to pick up something.  A the same time my S17 informed me that i didn't care about him because i had not answered him when he told me he did well on a test.  When i got home, i called my mother and cried.  For a long time.

Ohh...I get that. I was doing everything and everyone was against me. Fortunately, I had one daughter who was nine at bomb drop. So I only had to deal with two teenagers (D14 and Ex Wife!). At least I had one person in my corner.

Just like you, I was doing everything. Washing, cleaning, and cooking. I took my daughters to school, worked, and did everything else.

Quote
I had done nothing but try to show her what a great guy I was and how i could change to be better.

I can relate to this as well. I can also tell you it did nothing to impress her. It seemed to only make things worse.

My w maintained her contact with OM throughout the whole ordeal. She even lied to our counselor about the affair. Is your wife still online and texting?

Quote
There was a very difficult marriage therapy session - she said she was really scared that i would get fed up and leave and then she would have nothing.

Actually, this is good. My ex never cared. Even when the counselor told her that she could see I was getting to the end of my rope. My ex just sat there and stared.

At least your w sees that she is hurting you.

Keep posting, think of something for yourself, and know that this can be a very long ride.

Fist bump,

Ready

 
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline megogirl

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2019, 04:16:16 PM »
I think for the first time since ALL of this began she actually had to consider the fact that i might get sick of her crap and leave.  I honestly don't think it ever occurred to her that she can't treat me like garbage all the time and then expect me to stay.  There was a very difficult marriage therapy session - she said she was really scared that i would get fed up and leave and then she would have nothing.

Skates, I am awestruck by this line.  Because it mimics what Stayed's H wrote, VERBATIM:

"At some point, however, I realized that I was actually in danger of losing Stayed and if that happened, my life would be empty.  No anchor, no way back, no reality, just a movie."

I strongly suggest that you read this letter, in its' entirety.  Because it provides insight into the mind of an MLC'er which is fascinating, if nothing else.

« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 05:15:31 PM by megogirl »

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2019, 05:06:02 PM »
The title to your thread caught my eye. You have a sense of humor. That is good because you will need it in the coming months. Honestly, I shy away from the newbie threads because, even after three years post BD, the pain of BD still rips at my heart. I am so sorry you find yourself here.

But I bring you a cautionary tale of someone who recognizes a LBS giving it all they have and getting nothing but grief in return. I almost lost myself in this MLC. I focused so much on my H and my marriage that I came very close to the edge of my sanity. This place and one RL friend got me through. Even when RL people don’t get it... this place will always get it. We have all been there.

The ticket to getting through this mess is self love and self care. You can not pour from an empty vessel. You must focus on what you need. Because when you are fufilled and happy you have more to give to others. Figure out what you need, who you are, what makes you happy and give it to yourself.

Also, there is a poster named BBHelp .. I think you will find his threads helpful as he had a stay at home MLCW that eventually came through her crisis.

Welcome aboard. You are in a good place.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2019, 05:16:00 PM »
Wow, i appreciate all the replies.  I think sometimes unless you have gone through this its tough to understand.  My parents told me to forget it all and leave and i was like - it's my whole life.  it's everything i am and have.  Its not easy to walk.
Married 2001
MLC W 44
LBS H 46
D15, S17
BD August, 2018
Left home 2.5 months, home since Nov.
Blames me for all of the negative but none of the positive in her life.

“You beat cancer and then you went back to work at the carpet store?.”
― Rick Sanchez

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2019, 05:18:53 PM »
I have a lot of friends, but i just don't want to complain to them about it anymore.  Some of them ask me and i just say i'm doing ok!   Plus sometimes its hard to explain everything.
Married 2001
MLC W 44
LBS H 46
D15, S17
BD August, 2018
Left home 2.5 months, home since Nov.
Blames me for all of the negative but none of the positive in her life.

“You beat cancer and then you went back to work at the carpet store?.”
― Rick Sanchez

 

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