Author Topic: My Story I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.  (Read 2271 times)

Online UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #40 on: March 12, 2019, 01:10:32 AM »
Good job for NOT reading the journal.....

And just in case you were still tempted AFTER the scrambled Eggs incident....


No No No No NO
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #41 on: March 12, 2019, 10:50:35 AM »
How do you not get too high with the high or low with the low.....

I get low sometimes, but i have a friend who is amazing and helps me.  She had a MLC and left her husband a couple years ago.  We had been great friends with her and her husband and now 3 years after she realizes her mistake.  It's too late for her with him because he got sick of the crap she put him through and he said he doesn't want to be with her ever again.  She knows now what a huge mistake she made and that it wasn't his fault.  From the beginning when i confided in her about all of this she told me that its going to be hard but i just have to stick it out.  Anyways. she knows me so well and i credit her with helping me survive this.  Point of all this is that she can tell when i am low.  We text constantly about whats going on in each others lives.  She can tell within 10 minutes of texting if i am having a good day or a bad one but she listens anyways.  She always gives me the woman who went through the MLC perspective when i complain about things W does.  A lot of the times when i am low over something she'll just say  - you know she worked all day and had to miss something for the kids so she probably just forgot i know that i would.  And i look at it a different way and be like ya thats probably true.    I think i have been good for her too, she asks me a lot of stuff. She is dating a new guy now that she met on bumble.  He looks like a D-bag to me but she likes him so i am supportive.   

When i get high she knows immediately.  I spend most of my time in the garage.  I set up a little man cave with a TV and the computer and some video game stuff.  It's my fortress of solitude.  Back when this happened W told me that she sees me too much and gets sick of me.  Maybe i was around her too much who knows.  Regardless i love my man cave and i spend a lot of time in it.  I'm in it right now!!!  Anyways back to my high - the W comes down last night and says she is going to bed early and then pushes her cheek up to me to kiss it.  She said goodnight and went back inside and up to bed.  This was the first time Since she moved back in in November that she has done this.  For the last 3 months she goes to bed and never came down here once to say goodnight.  its like she has been showing me that she is independent and doesn't need to say good night.   And she doesn't have to, she needs to feel like she is her own person and can do what she wants and i can both understand and appreciate that.  But i want her to want to say goodnight.  And i think yesterday she did.  She wanted to come down and say goodnight, not for me but for her.  Maybe its so she knows someone cares about her and it makes her feel good.  My friend this the W is emerging.  My friend is friends with her too, they go out every once in a while.  I don't think W knows how well i know my friend because if she did i don't think she would go out with her as much.  So i obviously drill her for info and her and W get home.  W never really tells her anything, so maybe she does know how well i know her.  And before you ask - no never anything between us ever.

So i'm not trying to get too high but its hard.  There have been several things in the last week that are firsts.   First time she came to check on my to see if i was home yet.  When she got home from work she asked me how my day was...  And then she went out of her way to say goodnight to me.  We have marriage therapy tomorrow.  I am really curious what will happen in it.  She only opens up about what is going on in therapy.  She has been in a lot better mood the last few weeks and has told me all about her day and about yoga and about work.  We don't talk about our marriage and i don't bring it up.  It's ok in a way because it means all communication we have is positive not negative. 

It's been a month since Valentines day.  I really consider Valentines day to be my low point #2.  #1 was about a week after the BD when i realized i had not eaten anything for more than 2 days.  I had a bad headache and thought i maybe needed some lunch.  Then i couldn't remember what i had for breakfast.  Then i realized that i didn't have breakfast or dinner or lunch the day before.  Then i looked in the mirror and i saw what the stress of a troubled marriage and the thought of losing your cozy little life does to a person.  I remembered seeing my mothers face the first time i saw her about 2 weeks after my Grandmother had a stroke. It was the look you get when someone was pushed through the breaking point and they break down.  It was the lowest point of my life.   Valentines day was the 2nd.  When i felt nobody even cared that i was struggling with everything and i all i did was give and nobody even knew it.  I called my mom made me feel better.  I told her everything that had happened over the previous two weeks.  About how i pretty much had to keep the household running and the kids organized while W got to take care of herself.  I try to think that i have 3 kids instead of 2 and that one of my kids is just a huge a**hole.  And then it's easier to take.  But at least the last few weeks has been ok.  I think the medication is really into full swing now.  W is a lot better and i don't think purposely tries to hurt me anymore.  But sometimes doesn't really think about how i might take something.  I'm hypersensitive right now i know it.

Online megogirl

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #42 on: March 12, 2019, 01:02:55 PM »
I try to think that i have 3 kids instead of 2 and that one of my kids is just a huge a**hole.

LOLOLOLOLOL  ;D

Offline forthetrees

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #43 on: March 12, 2019, 02:09:55 PM »
Skates,
There´s a new approach to depression for people who have not responded- it´s a derivative of ketamine, dosed at the dr.´s office in the form of a nasal spray. Dramatic improvements occur within hours. Worth investigating.
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #44 on: March 12, 2019, 07:47:16 PM »


Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #41 on: Today at 10:50:35 AM »
Quote
How do you not get too high with the high or low with the low.....

Absolutely no expectations. None.

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Whyus

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #45 on: March 13, 2019, 12:58:10 AM »
I try to think that i have 3 kids instead of 2 and that one of my kids is just a huge a**hole.

LOLOLOLOLOL  ;D

This is it! I (and my Boys mostly) see my XW as their big sister  ;D. Thats how she behaves, she rarely behaves as a mam, well she is 45 going on 26 so what should I expect?
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline lovemywife

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #46 on: March 13, 2019, 05:38:20 AM »
Hey Skates

I am all caught up on your story! :-)

I want to say your W sounds worse than mine, but I guess it depends how you look at it.  Mine is not awful to me, she just say some stuff sometimes that hurts bad, as if she has made a decision on it, then a few hours later she will do something nice.  The one time I got in the room and she sorted out my clothing + closet - I said, wow, thank you!  Her response:  I did it for me!  I thought, so close....... :-[ :-[

It does look like things are turning for you, not sure how one can be really sure, so sticking with no expectations is probably the best.  I do think you get a gut feeling when things change, I know I got it here about a month or so ago where I could just feel W re-committed to the kids - actually I asked her and she said yes, TO THE KIDS.  Point being, it is almost a feeling that something shifted, she moved forward.....but then you don't know how long the damn tunnel is do you......

Thx for sharing, this helps big time!

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #47 on: March 13, 2019, 06:48:56 AM »
Therapy today for us.   W always says that the whole reason this happened for us was that i didn't treat her well.  That i criticized her all the time and said negative comments to her.  When i would ask for example she would say things like well you used to say you'd like a bigger house.  Or you wished you had a better car.  TO me it was just day dreaming out loud but to her it was me saying what we had wasn't good enough.  We had two very different opinions on the same discussion.   I can't dismiss everything because she obviously didn't like it, but at the same time she never said anything about it.  Had we discussed it more we maybe could have understood each other better.  The problem i have is that she only remembers the negative stuff.  NEVER the positive stuff.  We had 20 years together and when you think about our lives all you do is remember that i re-arranged the dishwasher and said I wanted a bigger house and nicer car.... Really... What about all the times we laughed and had fun and did fun family things.  There were so many fun things and she always just concentrates on how i have "Wronged" her.

I asked her what her plans were, and could she see herself in our house a year from now.  She said that she plans to be here next year.  But she said i know you want me to say i'll be here with you forever but i am not going to say that. 

Uncertainty for me is bad and its what i have the hardest time with.  Sometimes i wish she had just divorced me so i would have some kind of certainty and closure.  I have a friend who is divorced and broke, but last week he said to me that he would rather be broke and with someone that wants to be with him than how he had been living.   

Offline lovemywife

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #48 on: March 13, 2019, 06:55:06 AM »
Hey Skates

It is so difficult - I also want answers and I want them now and the fixes seem so easy!  I like what OldPilot said "Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does."

It takes time man, from what I understand they have internal issues that need to be resolved, more than 1 - so let them be, I know it sucks, but it is actually a good process.  I always think that no other man would have given my wife the chance to find herself and stand and wait for her........so even though it feels like you not being seen or appreciated, you are in fact playing a big role for her, likely something no one else would have done.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #49 on: March 13, 2019, 06:58:20 AM »
Quote from: Skates
I asked her what her plans were, and could she see herself in our house a year from now.  She said that she plans to be here next year.  But she said i know you want me to say i'll be here with you forever but i am not going to say that. 

In "normal-person-speak" that is called a "failure to commit." That way, when things go to Hades in a Handbasket, she can say "Well, I told you I couldn't say I'd be here with you forever...."

If she had the intention of DOING it, she could say it...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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