Author Topic: My Story I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.  (Read 2272 times)

Offline In the valley

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My Story Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #50 on: March 13, 2019, 07:39:15 AM »
Skates, I love Rick & Morty! Me and my boys would watch it all the time.  I'm going to follow along if for no other reason than that lol.  Your story is interesting.  The selective memory and history rewrite seem to be part of the script.  I was over critical of my XW and I did do things and behave in ways that were wrong at times.  In 20 years of the relationship and starting it at 18, I had a lot to learn and growing up to do.  But of course if you only remember the bad things, there's plenty to be upset about in 20 years time.  The good far out weighed the bad in my opinion but the good was all disregarded.  I had taken mine on so many vacations and trips over the years.  We had built some great memories with the kids.  After she dropped the bomb, she told me she was going to take the kids up to NewYork at Christmas and see all the things we had talked about doing in the past with OM.  I said "so the vacation we planned together".  She snapped back "You never took us there!". Like I hadn't done my job as a father or something because there was a place we hadn't seen.  I pointed out how ridiculous it was and she backtracked.  That never happened btw.  She hasn't done anything with the boys since she left over a year ago.  There's been a few of those moments.
That kind of selective memory just helps them justify their actions and it's par for this course.

Just my opinion here but I think asking for examples is asking for trouble.  Maybe just brush it off or the ole "I'm sorry you feel that way" might save you from more spew that is hard to get out of your head once they burn it in there.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #51 on: March 13, 2019, 08:00:35 AM »
I can't imagine my W ever leaving the kids, she has always been a caring mom.  I know one of the things she said to me once was something along the lines of I am deciding if its worth it not to see the kids if it means i don't have to be around you.  She always said that there weren't any deep cuts that caused her to feel this way just lots of little ones.  And then she spouts of all these little things that bugged her.  Anyways, point being she has never been so bad that she would want to be away from her children but at the same time i think they are also an after thought sometimes because for now its her first.

I'm on a low today after being high a couple days, hard not to dwell on these past things and feel like crap wishing I had done things differently.  I just don't think i was that bad to live with.  I was a provider and good partner.  She's constantly changing the reasons she's mad at me.  It was the that I was treating her badly for a while and it turned into that she lost herself over the years.  Now she is finding herself again and she brings up the treating her badly again.  She's a real introvert and never shared her feelings very much and gets mad at me because she says i never really knew her.  And i am kind of like... well you never tell me anything how was i supposed to.  She still blames me for all of this and I acknowledge that i wasnt perfect but i don't accept that this is 100% me.  If something bothers someone and they never tell you so you assume its all fine that how is your fault?

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #52 on: March 13, 2019, 09:19:44 AM »
I can't imagine my W ever leaving the kids, she has always been a caring mom.  I know one of the things she said to me once was something along the lines of I am deciding if its worth it not to see the kids if it means i don't have to be around you.  She always said that there weren't any deep cuts that caused her to feel this way just lots of little ones.  And then she spouts of all these little things that bugged her.  Anyways, point being she has never been so bad that she would want to be away from her children but at the same time i think they are also an after thought sometimes because for now its her first.

I'm on a low today after being high a couple days, hard not to dwell on these past things and feel like crap wishing I had done things differently.  I just don't think i was that bad to live with.  I was a provider and good partner.  She's constantly changing the reasons she's mad at me.  It was the that I was treating her badly for a while and it turned into that she lost herself over the years.  Now she is finding herself again and she brings up the treating her badly again.  She's a real introvert and never shared her feelings very much and gets mad at me because she says i never really knew her.  And i am kind of like... well you never tell me anything how was i supposed to.  She still blames me for all of this and I acknowledge that i wasnt perfect but i don't accept that this is 100% me.  If something bothers someone and they never tell you so you assume its all fine that how is your fault?


Uhhhhhmmmmmmmm........

Is your W German, 49, 2 kids (S11 & D8), tall, dark hair that she refuses to allow ANY grey to creep in?  No?  Hmmmmmm ... Sure sounds like we are dealing with the EXACT same woman... except mine has filed and we are living apart/have been for 3 years now...

I call it the "Reasons du Jour"  for leaving... they changed on a daily basis...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #53 on: March 13, 2019, 10:06:59 AM »
UM and Skates - how did we all manage to marry the exact same woman? What assembly line is producing these people? We should notify the factory that there's a glitch in their system.

Skates: Hope therapy goes well. Do you know about box breathing? Inhale through the nose for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for four seconds. Slows the heart rate. It helps me prep for MC.

Also, I try to speak only when spoken to in counseling. The counselor is not dumb - she knows what's happening so I'm not trying to score points. I'm trying to respond but not react.

Your W is a lot like mine - everything is my fault. It's my fault she was unhappy. I'm critical and controlling. I don't understand her. I pry into her life. The reasons change daily and it's never her fault. It sucks but you have to let it roll of your back. I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. 

Here's a chemistry joke:
Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Hey. Get out of here! We don't serve noble gases in this establishment."
Argon doesn't react.

It's only funny if you know that argon is a noble gas and doesn't react. Be like Argon if you can.

Do you know about the three human brains? One thing I've found is that if one person is in fight-or-flight mode and another is using their rational brain, it is difficult for them to communicate.

You're doing well. Many men wouldn't have made it this far.

Let me know how your therapy goes. I need all the help I can get with mine.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #54 on: March 13, 2019, 11:08:20 AM »
PJ Ames i do the same thing in therapy - i try to only speak when spoken to.  We've been going for a while now once a week and i just sit there are hear about all the things she is mad about. A couple weeks ago I finally stood up for myself though.   It was the first time i didn't just apologize for an hour.  I said that i was starting to wonder what was in this for me because it seems like everything i do isn't good enough and i see no end in sight.   Then about 2 days later W came down to my man cave and was crying a little and said she was really scared that i was going to get fed up with her and leave.   THe last couple years are what she is angry about she said the previous 15 were great.  I am trying to get us back there but its a long road.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #55 on: March 13, 2019, 03:30:09 PM »
Good for you for standing up for yourself. There's a real art in standing up for yourself without counterattacking. Or in being assertive without being aggressive. You definitely shouldn't be a doormat, but I think it's smart to pick your battles.

It's a minefield for sure.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #56 on: March 14, 2019, 05:16:26 AM »
It's a minefield for sure.

Yep, sure is.....

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #57 on: March 14, 2019, 10:33:06 AM »
It's crazy how MLCers all follow a very similar pattern, or script, I guess we say here.  His reasons for why everything was all my fault and why he cheated changed minute by minute it seemed, and I agree that uncertainty is one of the most difficult things to deal with in this whole horrible situation.

My H used to pride himself on his memory... but for a long time he had "forgotten" so many of the good things about our life and marriage.  As time goes on, he's beginning to remember more and more of the positives.  He blames a car accident he had in 2016 for his memory problems, but I blame MLC.  Not out loud to him, of course, but in my mind I know it's not the minor car accident he was in.  Maybe that gives him a good "excuse" in his mind for how he's been acting out too?  Not sure. 

Thanks for sharing how you guys handle marriage counseling.  We are supposedly going to start that soon and I am really nervous.  I know the therapists have seen it all, but I want to make sure I stay on an even keel and not get too emotional.  Sounds like you all are doing a great job with that!!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #58 on: March 14, 2019, 06:52:02 PM »
So the therapy was an interesting one yesterday.  The W told me she left because she thought i treated her badly.  I disagree, but i acknowledge that its the way she felt so have to make changes so it doesnt happen again.  She listed off a number of examples and though i don't necessarily agree we discussed them and why they made her angry with me. 

She told me that the day she moved out she wanted a divorce but didn't go through with it.  She'd never told me that she was that close to wanting one.  I knew she was mad but i didn't know she was that mad.  The therapist said that the whole period was probably good for her to get out and alone and think.  W said it's a lot different in our home now and that things were better.  W also said she is staying, no time frames or anything and i think the therapist was quick to say to me - you don't need to know anymore than that.  She has told you that she has not plans on leaving and that she is staying.

W also talked a lot about how much she is enjoying staying busy and doing things on her own.  W wanted to be more independent because she'd really entirely dependent on me for all those years. I worked while she stayed at home and took care of the kids.  She now works more than i do, in a way its good because she really does seem happy when she sees me lately. 

So all in all it was one of the most positive times we have gone.  Other big thing was that the therapist said we should start going every 2nd week.  W agreed and said things are going the right direction.  So i can't help but think though - W said the I was the cause of the unhappiness.  But its her working and doing yoga that has seemed to make her happier.  So I didn't say anything of course, but to me if she can make herself happy - then it was her who made herself unhappy!



Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #59 on: March 14, 2019, 07:17:24 PM »
No one can be responsible for anyone else's happiness!  It was absolutely her who made her unhappy.  It was not you.  She is the only one who can make herself happy.  I hope she continues on this path.  It sounds like she is headed in a positive direction. 

I have to say I'm proud of you for how you're handling this too!  I think I felt the same way towards my H that your W felt about you.  I can see a lot of me in what you say about her.  It took me a long time to figure out that I needed to be the one to make me happy.  However, my H didn't stick around and fight through it... he had an affair.  I think he's in the middle of a huge MLC as well or else I wouldn't be on this board, but I definitely played a part in driving him away.  You are truly one of the good ones for doing what it takes to fight for your marriage.  Please remember that always no matter the outcome of any of this.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

 

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