Author Topic: My Story I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.  (Read 2258 times)

Online PJ Ames

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My Story Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #60 on: March 14, 2019, 08:34:52 PM »
Quote
but to me if she can make herself happy - then it was her who made herself unhappy!
That makes a lot of sense. Which is why an MLCer doesn't see it that way.

I suspect a lot of her anger about her own general unhappiness was being directed at you. Less anger about life = less anger at Skates.

Sounds like things are moving in a good direction for you and W. Lots of baby steps add up over time. Keep dodging bullets and keep up the good work!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #61 on: March 14, 2019, 10:33:20 PM »
Thanks all for the kind words!  Today is an up day for me.  I even got to skate!  I have to remember these days on my down days.

Offline Whyus

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #62 on: March 14, 2019, 11:33:45 PM »
Thanks all for the kind words!  Today is an up day for me.  I even got to skate!  I have to remember these days on my down days.

Yes you do, what is stopping you from Skating on a down day? I know that it is hard to get your backside from the Sofa on a down day but Skating could turn it into an up day.
Some of us here ride motorcycles, its what we like to call "wind therapy" and can be great on a down day. You HAVE to concentrate on the road and Forget your Problems or you die basically. Keep busy mate.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #63 on: March 15, 2019, 07:15:18 AM »
DayByDay1: 
You mean that you just completely stopped liking him and blamed him?  Affairs suck i don't think i could recover from that, but did you start to like him again at some point before you found out?   I have another friend who one day when we were in the gym looked at me and said "Is it work or wife?".  She said i can see it in your face. I told her my story and she said to me that she was in her lawyers office getting ready to sign the papers and just hated her husband.  She said that she felt nothing for him and just hated him.  But the lawyer said that she should cool down and really think about it (Weird for a lawyer i know).  Anyways she went back home and stayed, she said it took her like 2 years to get out of it all but all the feelings came back for her.  That is why i stayed, i know it will all come back for W.  We were so happy for so many years that it can't be gone.  There are little signs of it i see every day.  Just now before i came down to my man cave i kissed her on the cheek and she made a little funny sound she used to make when i would kiss her.  its the first time she's done it in probably 8 months but it was something she always did.

WhyUs:  Ice skating ;)  Its tough to fit in with work and then every night i usually have some kind of kid related activity!!  I try to go once a week.

Its funny that a bunch of anonymous internet strangers who I will never meet can relate and be the best source of strength!! 

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #64 on: March 15, 2019, 10:02:53 AM »
"Its funny that a bunch of anonymous internet strangers who I will never meet can relate and be the best source of strength!!"

Yes. Yes it is. Haha! Glad you are having a good day Skates.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #65 on: March 15, 2019, 10:46:07 AM »
There's a lot of backstory to it, but yes... I hated him and blamed him for things that were wrong in my life.  I completely shut down. A lot of it had to do with my father passing away in January of 2015 and H had refused to cancel a vacation we had planned over the Christmas right before he passed.  I had gotten four free round-trip tickets to go back home to see our family and he absolutely, stubbornly, refused to go.  I didn't get to see my dad at all the last year he was alive and I missed his last Christmas when I could have been there.  There were two other things he did that are not easily explained, but that hurt me even worse.  Looking back, I can see he was in a total MLC by this point and I believed it stemmed from getting fired from his job in 2011.

In reality, I think I was going through my own depression too and taking it out on him, but the things that were wrong with me were not really his fault.  I don't even know how long I spent working through my own issues before I realized that I had better change my ways or I was going to drive him away.  It took me about two months to fully give it my all, but I finally did.  He was already involved in his affair by then but I had no idea.  I was giving it my all by January of 2017 and I found out about his affair in September of 2017.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #66 on: March 17, 2019, 01:15:24 PM »
Who feels like they don't matter ?

I guess one of the questions i still ask myself quite often... Do i matter to W?  When she does anything does she ever consider my feelings or my input or how it might affect me.  She is nicer to me, she said that BD day and the move out the next week that she was done with me and wanted a divorce.  But fast forward 7 months and she is back in our home and she has said she has no intentions of moving out.  I know a lot of it is because of the "family" she says.  Well i am part of the family so i don't really understand how you can love your family and life but not me... 

As part of the independent thing she has going on I think she feels that by not telling me anything about what she wants to do or go etc - is her being independent.  To me its just rude and ignoring the person supposed to be your partner.  I support the feeling independence though if it makes her feel better.  I don't want her to feel like she has to get my approval for anything but at the same time in a partnership there has to be a level of team.  And currently its spelled Tiam.   Its just the way W is going about it all makes me feel like i don't even matter anymore and i am just a roommate who pays the bills.



Offline strawberry

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #67 on: March 17, 2019, 03:39:53 PM »
You must matter deep down...waaaaaaaay deep down or you'd likely be divorced right now.  But MLC is just a total mind distortion.  It comes with a lot of self centered selfishness, often painted in a more acceptable way (like independence).  You can bring it up, but whether she will be receptive totally depends on the MLC mood and stage.  MLC stage is generally only recognized in hindsight.  Sometimes true darts hit the target, but often they are just deflected off.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline SkatesTopic starter

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #68 on: March 17, 2019, 04:29:37 PM »
Way deep down, i guess you are right but it doesn't make it any easier.  Days where she just doesn't seem to like me are hard and i'm certainly in one today.  I can do no right today.  Try to help with something and she gets pissed at me.  I'm not on one of my patented lows but the day is not over yet and i am sure i will do something to get her even more pissed at me.

Online PJ Ames

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Re: I can't believe i went back to the carpet store.
« Reply #69 on: March 17, 2019, 09:01:51 PM »
I feel your pain, Skates. My W often treats me like I am some stern father figure who is telling her she can't have any fun. And the hostility is tiring and  annoying. Here is a vignette from a date night a few weeks ago...

I am driving to the record store in downtown traffic on a Friday night.
Me: Oh, here's a good parking spot.
W: Don't park here. There's a closer one up ahead.
M: Are you sure that's not a loading zone?
W: Of course I'm sure. Why do you question everything I say?
I pull up to parking spot my W pointed out. It is a loading zone.
W: Oh, it's a loading zone.
Me: No worries.
W: Don't say "no worries." That's dismissive. Just say OK.
Me: Huh?

In my case, I'm seeing less of the Angry Zombie and more of the mopey and exhausted W. Other folks may have different experiences, but I think it's common for the hostility to turn into depression over time.

Hang in there, you're doing well. Try not to take the hostility personal any more than you would if it were coming from a 15-year-old or a 2-year-old.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

 

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