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Author Topic: My Story Is This a MLC ?

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My Story Is This a MLC ?
OP: March 10, 2019, 05:27:44 PM
After a wonderful 30 year relationship my best friend, I believe is in a mid life crisis. She starting pulling away from the family 3 years ago by not cleaning around the home, stopped cooking family meals or being involved as she had with our sons. 1.5 years ago I tried all I could to be the great husband but my leaning in drove her away more and made her feel controlled. She was always wanting to go to concerts, brew pup openings, constantly on social media, talking like a teenage girl, concerned with her body/looks. We had a great marriage and a family of 3 sons. The 2 oldest sons moved out for college and work 4 years ago. She and I lost great careers with a business that sold about the same time. Neither of us have been able to replace the rewarding careers yet. She has recently received good news of a promotion.

Her mom told me that it is as if she is a teenager again. She turned away from religion to Tara Cards. My wife moved in with her mom 3 months ago. She began to kiss and hug me again the day I moved her out. We talked nearly every day since and where together 2 to 3 times a week. I employed personal strength with grace and I thought was making great progress. 2 weeks ago she said she was "releasing" me and she took off her wedding ring. She said she is in fear of me having her served divorce papers at work, changing the home locks and moving her remaining belongings to storage. These are some of the "unusual" things she says to me as she knows I would never do them.

Two occasions where all 3 of our sons, some long tern girlfriends, her mother, she and I where together. One in Jan and one at the beginning of Feb. My wife was so kind and sweet to me in front of everyone. I felt like she was returning.

The big issue is that she claims to have no connection for me anymore but she did say that she "had loved me so much". She wants no contact but for issues with our sons or finances. She has not brought up divorce since September when she dropped the emotional bomb. I believe that she is struggling mentally. She had been having panic attacks in the middle of the night before she moved out. Recently she began to mirror the physical symptoms of a serious disease. Thankfully her MRI was "clean" however her body/mind is suffering and she does not want any further help. I did see that she has been on Facebook again around 4 AM. Her postings are emailed to me as notifications. I stay away from social media to reduce anxiety. This is what she was doing before she moved out to deal with not being able to sleep. She did say that she would attend a crisis marriage workshop in 2 months however I am concerned that her crisis is still to strong for her to receive the information properly. I am praying that she has a moment of understanding before we would go. Our middle son met with her last week and told me best to leave her alone for now because our consistent contact did not allow her to miss me.

Her mother called me a few days ago crying about having car trouble and then preceded to tell me that her daughter, my wife is not happy. Her mother told me that she is not having an affair and that she believes still loves me. We talked on the phone for 3 hours over 2 days. I opened my heart to tell her how much I love her daughter and that I am standing for our relationship. She asked me some financial questions and I told her that if we did get divorced it would be difficult given that our youngest graduates over a year from now. My wife would have to pay to keep our household intact until the summer of 2020. My mother in law then told my wife on Thursday or Friday that I had been talking to an attorney to "take her" in court.

Our youngest son met her last Friday and my wife was crying and could hardly talk. I tried to contact her after I heard but she did not respond. Our middle son met with her yesterday and he told me that "it is over" but that she is not going to do anything stupid. I returned the repaired car to their home last evening and my mother in law looked like she wanted to spit in my face when I handed her the keys. I said nothing and walked away. Later in the evening my wife texted me thanking me for repairing on the car.

Does this sound like a MLC ? Does the 3 years before bomb drop count or does it start from the bomb drop 6 months ago?
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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#1: March 10, 2019, 10:59:12 PM
Hi Growing. (Cool user name, btw). I'm glad you found us, but I'm sorry you're here. Your wife sounds like a mess. Poor thing. It has to be exhausting for you and your sons.

I can't diagnose your W, but your story sounds very similar to many around here. And a little like my own. The teenager behavior is very common among MLC. I know I feel like my W was abducted by aliens who took my her to their home planet and left me a replicant with the mind of a 15-year-old and the body of a 46-year-old.

Also, the sentiments of "I love you but I'm not in love with you," and "I don't like who I am as a W/H" are very MLC script.

I'm not an expert by any means. I'm just starting to figure things out and I've made some big mistakes. But here are some random thoughts from someone who is in the thick of it:
* Please feel free to ask questions here, to rant, vent and journal. You're among friends and people who understand and won't judge you. Read other people's threads, comment and ask questions. You'll find other folks have spouses who are seemingly reading from the same script as yours.
* Take care of yourself physically, mentally and financially. MLCers are terrible with money.
* Learn about depression.
* Listen to the advice you get here. You may not agree with all of it or be able to apply all of it. But remember that everyone here is trying to help.
* Be good to yourself and forgive yourself. You will make mistakes. Learn and grow from them. It's all trial and error here.
* This is tough, but try not to fixate on timelines. Everyone is different. We all want to know when our nightmare is going to end, but we really can't know. But don't expect any quick fixes. Sorry.
* The best thing you can do for your W is to work on yourself. You can't fix her because you didn't break her. You can't be Mr. Fixit. It's a powerless feeling, I know. But if she is having an MLC, it really isn't about you.

So that's my random advice. Offered free of charge so feel free to take it or leave it. Old Pilot will send you a welcome letter soon with lots of good advice. The part about the gift of time is important.

Again, sorry for all that's happened. It truly sucks. Keep posting and take care.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#2: March 10, 2019, 11:31:16 PM
Have you taken legal advice, growing? You don't have to act on it and shouldn't tell your w, but understanding the legal situation can help you protect yourself and your family.

And the big lesson from what you describe is that you can't trust your MiL or talk honestly with people in RL who may talk to your wife. Certainly not about anything financial or legal. Probably not about anything emotional either. Sorry. But the situation is confusing enough I'm sure without having other people add their 'spin' or interfere. This crisis creates big ripples and family and friends don't always react as you think they will and of course you don't know what your w is saying to other people. And they lie a lot, I'm afraid, and usually justify their behaviour by blaming you for everything.

Learning to zip our lips is one of the first LBS lessons.

What are you doing to look after yourself right now?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#3: March 11, 2019, 05:27:27 AM
Thank you for your replies.

I have maintained a strenuous work out program and diet, started formal dance lessons, cleaned/organized our home and am meeting some new friends. Our 17 year old son is a big priory for me given his feelings of abandonment. I am also cooking some great meals.

The recent screw up with talking tom my MIL has me very down. The 2 sons that know of the incident are disappointed in me and that hurts the worst.

I am though still confused if this is a MLC and if the time before the BD is part of the entire process? I know that being highly concerted on time is not healthy however if there are another 3 to 5 years of this I might be better off to move on as I am in my early 50's.

Thoughts on weather I should keep our plans to go to a crisis marriage workshop at the end of April with her or push it off? The workshop is for a total of 7 weeks and has a 75% success rate in creating happy marriages.
 
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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#4: March 11, 2019, 07:03:48 AM
Welcome Growing.

Boy that's hard to say.  Saving a marriage is hard, but harder if one of them are in a crisis like this.
We already know counseling usually does them no good.

I suppose it can't hurt.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#5: March 11, 2019, 03:11:02 PM
Growing,

What Thunder said......PLUS it certainly sounds like she's in the tunnel that is MLC and in that case, counseling will do exactly NOTHING.

The only thing that will make her come out of it is time, time, and more time.  It's long, hellish journey - for both of you.

In the coming months you will evaluate your relationship, over and over again.  Only you can determine what you can, and can not, forgive.  Some people draw a hard line when it comes to infidelity.  I never had such a line, so I had to evaluate whether or not I could forgive and still continue to respect myself. Ultimately, I decided that to Stand was the right decision for me and for our family.

I believe we'll be back together, and I want to be.  But to quote Asia....."only time will tell."
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« Last Edit: March 11, 2019, 03:23:54 PM by megogirl »

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Re: Is This a MLC ?
#6: March 12, 2019, 01:52:44 PM
Thank you for your responses, they are appreciated.

Out of the blue she called me last night. We talked about or sons and that she wants to come over to pick up some spring clothes on Friday. She wanted me to be at home and will spend time with our youngest son. I thought she was going to chew me out for speaking with her mom. It was a good talk, she told me to call her if I would like.

A good weekend is planned with our 2 oldest sons to be home with their girlfriends for dinner, movie and billiards.

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Still in Replay after 3 Plus Years
#7: July 22, 2020, 11:20:08 AM
Update 07/2020

I discovered an affair in Nov 2019 with the persistence of a son to look at the cell records. She hid it well in an attempt to have me believe that it started after she moved out. The OM's wife gave me the story. The grizzly details were received better after learning from Affair Recovery prior to disclosure.
The OM is 10 years older, father figure and is also in a MCL. We believe the affair started in late 2016 or early 2017. They do not live together and spend only about 10 hours together per week.
We had been progressing well. Spent a good 1/2 day together at a graduation party. in late June.  When she left there was a long hug, kind words about our amazing sons, said she was going to come over the next day and hang out with me, texts of good night when got home and good morning the next day.
She came over and left quickly saying she felt ill.

There was a "let's start a small business together" and not divorce the next week.
The week after that she was a teenager again and blew off the family at another graduation party.
The next week the divorce was urgent from her. I believe the OM's wife is pressing him for divorce and he wants us to do so to keep from being alone. I refuse to speak with the wife as it is not my fight. She does not want to work on herself and is very bitter.
We met last Sunday to discuss the divorce details. I told her that I want to cut as many of our relationship ropes as possible, no business together. I was kind but firm. I made a fair and reasonable offer.

She called me at work the next day in monster, recanted her agreement to the main divorce details. I kindly told her that I could not speak with her given my work schedule and that she could reach out later. No contact since.

She had contacted me every day for the first year of separation, about every 48 hours since. She finds a way to meet about every week. I do not pursue her anymore.

I thought the Limerence was wearing off.
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