Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back  (Read 313 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2019, 03:17:29 AM »
Ooooo... Parents HATE it when their kids have the right to say "I told you so." They'll GLADLY take that from Grandkids MUCH easier than their own kids....

I hope that F doesn't end up with the issues that D did with HER ankle... You all really do NOT need that aggro in your lives.

S's Internship sounds cool and, let's be honest, living with BIL would probably be a VERY good influence for a bit... You know?  A sane older male vs. a BSC Mid-Lifer?

D sounds like the typical "On break" kid... catching up with BF and all and... oh! .. Yeah!  "Hi Mom!" <lol>  The texts from xH just seal the deal that he is creating with D.... Pushing her farther and farther away form him... He truly is an idiot...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2019, 02:01:12 PM »
Savoir Faire & UrsaMajor  - Xh is just on the continual cycle of not stopping long enough to pause and say "hmm, this isn't working the way I thought it would" and adjusting his behavior. He is pushing D farther away and S is not far behind her right now.

My F is in good spirits, although, I have said to my sister that he is only in the boot for a short time. I can't wait until he gets home and we are at week 3 and he is depending on my M to drive him around. I may have to kidnap him from time to time to give them both a break. LOL

He will find a way to get out to his studio, that I am sure of. But being pent up is going to get old. And my M will need a break as well - LOL. It is how they get along so well. They both realize they need some space from each other from time to time.

D came home last night, but was back at her boyfriend's house after he got out of work. S has plans tonight. I am on my own it would seem for dinner. LOL

I was only at work for an hour. I had caught up on most of the work for the week. I had 3 jobs that were in limbo and I pushed the timing on a couple of jobs because the one coworker is behind. She is a person who always has an attitude. When I told her I was not waiting 4 hours for her to catch up, she seemed annoyed. I told her the only reason I was at work was to address those and sitting around having the boss pay me for 4 hours to stare at the walls seemed pretty wasteful. So, I told her to put them on my desk at the end of the day and I would deal with them on Monday. She made some comment as I left that was snarky. I smiled and in front of all of the others told her that I am up to date on all the work and it is only her jobs that I am waiting on. I then told her to have a good weekend and I was going to go wash my car.

I am just amazed at how some people think you should suffer with them just because they haven't got their things done. It is like my high school students telling me it is not fair that they have to go home and do homework. I always tell them that they will get no sympathy from me, considering I got through high school and had to do homework to get to where I am now. To hear it from an adult though is just mind boggling. Gosh, I am sorry you are swamped, but that is neither my fault nor my problem. And the bigger thing is, most of us jump in where we can to help out. We share the work load. But, her part of the job is all on her and she has been spending the whole week this week enjoying extra long lunches while the boss is away. Hmmm, I am betting if she took the extra 1/2 hour every day and done work, she would have been able to leave early today too, like most of us were doing - LOL

I came home and walked the dog.

My children have decided to gang up on me today, it would appear. The velociraptors are in full attack mode. Unfortunately, I unwittingly gave them some ammunition. LOL. My friend suggested baby pictures as my ammunition. It might be necessary. I may have to plan for a counter attack or take cover. I haven't decided what first. I just know this is going to give them way too much fun at my expense. LOL.

I hadn't thought about the fact that they would both be home this weekend. I should have planned a vacation away this weekend - LOL
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 02:03:54 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2019, 02:32:58 PM »
S just came home and had taken D to her boyfriend's house.

Xh had made a promise to teach D how to drive. He had taken her out 3 times total. She was behind due to her ankle injury initially. When she was in Florida this summer, BIL was ready to pitch in and help out as well. Xh put a stop to that and BIL adhered to Xh's wishes only because he knew Xh was making D's life difficult as it was. BIL later told me he wished he had gone about it differently.

Away to college she went and then the snow flew, so D has not been driving in months. This morning she reminded me. I told her that I would gladly start teaching her, but she would have to remind me, as I have a lot going on sometimes and I forget. But, I also said that maybe S would take her, as he is now old enough where he can assist. I don't want put it on him, but by the same token, I know he is a really good driver and an excellent instructor. He will be incredibly patient with D.

S said he let D drive to her boyfriend's house. It is not a far drive. He told me where she needs help and such. He informed me that he will  gladly take her out this weekend. I will make time as well.

I am so grateful for S's help right now. It is just more of the reality of how far out of touch Xh is in this whole thing. It is not like D would let her F teach her now anyways, but he at least had that option at one point and it would have given him an in if he had stuck with it. But, instead he keeps blowing it up.

I had gotten the support check yesterday. The women at the bank scratched their heads this time. The outside of the envelope is still with the wrong zip code. It is addressed to all of my initials first, middle initial, maiden name initial and married name. I have never used all of my initials after we got married. I used my middle name sometimes prior to getting married, but dropped it once we were married. But, the envelope has been somewhat consistent.

Inside is always the thing to behold. LOL. Having seen so many of these things now, I am sure it is not a game Xh is playing. The writing is too spastic to be intentional. I had a first name in all caps, although, it wasn't quite my name. The last 2 letters really look like he wasn't exactly sure how to spell my name. It was not intentional based on the writing. He switched to upper and lower case for the last name and the last 2 letters were almost like a signature with a fancy loop on the end. Sort of like how he used to sign his signature pre MLC. The amount was accurate this time, I was not shorted. His own signature is new again. At one point he had almost gone to a couple of lines and 3 dots. He explained the 3 dots to me one day and I remember looking at him thinking WTF?? But, okay, whatever. It had to do with that is how he would know it was his signature. Hmmm, like a potential forger wouldn't notice the dots? That was during one of the stages of MLC where I saw some paranoia creeping in.

The checks always seem to be a good indicator of whether the monster is inhabiting his body. When the amount is off and there are crazy names appearing, it always coincided with monster being in the works. This is different. I am not sure what it is. It is not progress or normal. Just different. And not something that is going to keep me up at night trying to figure out. LOL

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2019, 08:54:10 PM »
Right after both kids left, I was doing some things around the house. As I looked over at a picture on the wall, it triggered something. The picture itself has little significance in terms of XH, but something rattled a thought in my brain loose. I realized today was the anniversary of the date Xh proposed to me. And it would have been on a Friday night.

It put me in a very odd mood. I am not missing Xh and it wasn't really about the anniversary itself. I think it was one of those moments of "how the F did I end up at this spot in my life"? It isn't all bad, now that I have survived the worst, but it put me on a path where I could see it going from thinky to complete mind firetruck.

I had spoken to my sister earlier. I knew she was taking my niece to a friend's house. I had no plans to go anywhere for the evening. But, as I made dinner I could not get out of my own head. Both kids were out for the night. I noticed the gift I had wrapped for my nephew. It was his birthday in January. I have seen my sister briefly here and there, but haven't seen her family in quite some time. My nephew was sick one of the days we had plans and then they were away on a cruise not too long ago. Life has been pretty busy.

I decided to call my sister back and see if they were going to be home. She said they had ordered pizza and were planning on hanging out at the house. My niece was going to need to be picked up at her friend's. My nephew was playing in the basement and my BIL was watching a movie. My sister asked if I was okay. I told her I just needed to take a drive, but thought I would make the trip to see her. She laughed and said it was fine, but couldn't believe I was going to drive over an hour to get to her house just for a quick visit.

I left right around 6:15 and had a lovely drive up through orchard territory. Almost all of the snow has melted the past couple of days. I noticed the streams are all swollen from the snow melting. The lake levels are up way over the normal capacity. The drive was really quiet and peaceful, with the exception of my radio turned up - LOL.

I arrived at my sister's house and rang the bell. My sister came to the door and she held her finger up and made a gesture telling me to be quiet. I was confused. She whispered to just listen. She yelled down the stairs to my nephew. Normally, he cannot be pulled away from his thousands of Legos. He plays for hours. I heard him squeal and say "oh my gosh, she is here"? And he tore up the stairs, pushed my sister out of the way and I got the best hug and kiss on the cheek. He grabbed my hand and wanted me to come sit with him at the kitchen bar. He normally would have been wanting that gift in my hand. It was my BIL's birthday yesterday. Normally, I could have joked with my nephew that the gift was for his dad, but tonight, he said that was nice and he started to take the box to his father, until I told him that it was for him.

My sister told me that the minute he heard I was coming to see him he was beyond happy. She said that was all he could talk about at dinner.

My nephew spent the whole time sitting with me and playing with the gift I had found him, which were light up blocks.

He told me about school. We talked about baseball and fencing, the 2 sports he is involved in. And he told me about his best friend.

My sister had to go out to pick up my niece. She borrowed my car, since I had her blocked in. My nephew was convinced my sister was going to just not want to give my car back. She has a large SUV and my nephew said my car is more fun. We had a good laugh when my sister came back and announced that my car is way too much fun to drive. She gave us both a look as we laughed. We told her to never mind, we were just goofy. My nephew thought it was funny that we now have this little secret.

While my sister was out, my BIL went to bed. Nephew and I sat in the kitchen and suddenly he got a bit serious. He asked me if I missed XH. I said sometimes. He asked if it was okay if he missed him too sometimes, but not as much anymore. Then he asked me a question that he has asked before and that was what if I meet a new man someday. I said it was certainly possible. He then asked me what if that man doesn't like him. I laughed and said I would never date anyone who didn't like nephew - I told him that was going to be one of my tests. He burst out laughing. I gave him a hug and said that I didn't think it would be a problem, considering he has the cutest dimples and is pretty hard to resist. He did the typical 11 year old response and said "cool".

My kids both texted me to see where I was. I told them I was with a much younger man and we were having dessert. The responses I got from my kids were rather funny. I kept them going for about 15 minutes, until I sent them a picture of my nephew. LOL

We had a wonderful couple of hours. My niece was fun to be around for a short time, but she has hit that preteen stage that is a little less appealing right now. At one point I laughed and told my sister that the almost 13 year old stage was not one I missed and "good luck with that".

I drove home and was glad I had gotten out of the house. Wallowing would have been a mistake. This had nothing to do with avoiding feelings. It was one of those traps we set for ourselves. I just needed a change of scenery to reset my thought process. Time with my sister and nephew was truly a blessing.  :)

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2019, 10:25:29 PM »
Gosh that sounded like a good evening, I'm a bit envious  ;)
And from the mouths of babes eh? Nice reminder that it is ok to miss our spouses sometimes even when it is not as much anymore.

The handwriting and signature thing is weird though. Nice that you are detached enough to know that it isn't personally aimed at you after all this time, but still weird.

It is my xh"s birthday in a few days. Woke up this morning with him on my mind. Thought that it is ok to still love him a bit but also that I can't love him in any real practical way like I used to because he isn't here. So naturally it is a different kind of love now...and that's ok.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 10:30:06 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Reallytrying

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2019, 05:10:52 AM »
Nephew running into your arms was just what the Dr ordered. I’m glad you went and didn’t allow yourself down the monkey brain rabbit hole. It sounded like a lovely evening and he sounded like he needed Auntie time as much as you needed him. Family is so important. I’m glad you made the drive and ended up with a nice evening.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2019, 07:55:33 AM »
Treasur & Reallytrying - What can I say? I needed a man in my life last night - LOL.

In all seriousness, I did need a night like last night. My sister was great fun to be around, but my nephew's initial hug and reaction to seeing me just made everything not matter. And, from what I found out later, he too needed that. He had a rough week and my sister said it has been such a busy week for the family, they hadn't really had much time to decompress. She had taken him outside earlier in the day to play basketball and spend time with him exclusively, but BIL was at work and my niece was needing picked up, etc. My nephew needed to be the center of attention. He doesn't always get that time with their hectic schedules.

I was going down that dreaded rabbit hole. As I made dinner the thoughts that crept in were starting to go all over the place. That alone bothered me. And I was not missing Xh per se, nor was I upset about the "anniversary" in the overall sense. It simply triggered feelings. One was being angry with myself for even having any feelings. I wanted them to no longer exist.

But, my nephew's simple conversation put it back into perspective. I spent 30 years with my XH. Many of those years had happy memories. It is normal to miss someone. I have told myself I treat him as if he has died, so it stands to reason, like someone I have lost to a death, I sometimes miss them as well. But, this is a bit more complicated for the LBS. The person is not dead. Mine haunts me in strange ways. Yet, I don't miss Xh anymore in the same sense. I am at the point where I miss those moments sometimes or think about them.

Trying to explain it to someone who has not been through this type of thing is so much tougher. They don't quite get it. It is not a death in the normal sense. It is not a normal break up.

But, my nephew, somehow in his innocence summed it up and put me back on track.

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2019, 11:35:27 AM »
D is still off hanging out with friends. I have only seen her for about 3 hours total during her week off. I am not sure if I am going to be the one taking her back to college. I am not upset that she has not been home. I missed her, but she needs some time with her friends. It is not like I don't see her. She is spreading her wings. Oh, sure, she came home and did her laundry. I guess I should be grateful she does her own laundry.  ::)

S was home most of the morning. He had gone 4-wheeling last night with his friends. I always worry about his safety, but I know he is usually pretty level headed and I can't wrap him in bubble wrap. I try not to think about what could happen. His dirt bike accident was a sobering enough reality for me. When he came through the door last night, I was relieved.

He is helping his friends move today. His one friend "A" is a young woman who was handed a horrible upbringing. Yet, she is a survivor and has a spunk about her. S was interested in her, but they decided it was best to just remain friends for a variety of reasons. She is one of the hardest working kids I know and her one job is cutting hours. She loves to clean to decompress and she is really good at organizing. As S was packing up my steam cleaner I loaned them for the weekend, I asked S to ask "A" if she would be interested in helping me out. I am just buried in some of projects around here and I could use the help. He smiled and said he liked that idea. She could use the extra money and she likes being around me. Might be because I actually know more about her than her own M.  ::)

But, it dawned on me I need to learn to ask for help sometimes. My M has been offering, but my sister and I have discussed this. It would be a bad idea for my M to show up. She doesn't quite get it. "A" gets it to a degree. She is fiercely independent and has had her life flipped upside down. I think somehow this is the solution I have been looking for. I need someone who is going to come in and not make me somehow question my decisions right now. My M is a bit too close to the situation.

I mentioned it to my sister. She thinks I am on to something. A solution might have presented itself.

S came back in and told me he is going to his F's for the night. He seemed to be hesitating. I assured him I was fine and had plans to just stay home tonight and possibly paint. I have an exhibit to get ready for in a couple of weeks.

S said right away he was not planning on a long stay at Xh's. I am not sure why he felt he needed to share that, as it is he knows I don't prevent him from going. I want him to have a relationship with his F, but I won't say it is easy, considering how Xh has behaved with D.

Last night's feelings went away. I am so glad I didn't find myself caught up in the swirling madness of my own making. LOL

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #18 on: March 17, 2019, 09:22:40 AM »

I had gotten the support check yesterday. The women at the bank scratched their heads this time. The outside of the envelope is still with the wrong zip code. It is addressed to all of my initials first, middle initial, maiden name initial and married name. I have never used all of my initials after we got married. I used my middle name sometimes prior to getting married, but dropped it once we were married. But, the envelope has been somewhat consistent.

Inside is always the thing to behold. LOL. Having seen so many of these things now, I am sure it is not a game Xh is playing. The writing is too spastic to be intentional. I had a first name in all caps, although, it wasn't quite my name. The last 2 letters really look like he wasn't exactly sure how to spell my name. It was not intentional based on the writing. He switched to upper and lower case for the last name and the last 2 letters were almost like a signature with a fancy loop on the end. Sort of like how he used to sign his signature pre MLC. The amount was accurate this time, I was not shorted. His own signature is new again. At one point he had almost gone to a couple of lines and 3 dots. He explained the 3 dots to me one day and I remember looking at him thinking WTF?? But, okay, whatever. It had to do with that is how he would know it was his signature. Hmmm, like a potential forger wouldn't notice the dots? That was during one of the stages of MLC where I saw some paranoia creeping in.



MD - I am always fascinated by the checks/envelopes your MLCer sends.  Totally fascinated......it's bizarre....... ???
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - remembering to taking a step back
« Reply #19 on: March 17, 2019, 10:49:10 AM »
stillbaffled - The checks and envelopes are really a fascinating psychological study. It is a good indicator of how messed up he is. Having been with my Xh for nearly 30 years, I know his writing pretty well. He never had perfect penmanship, and people's writing sometimes changes, but the inconsistencies for Xh are really telling. The one thing he was for a very long time was consistent with certain aspects. There was a level of control. These checks and envelopes look like a person who is in perpetual chaos. If it were one or 2 checks here or there, I could argue it is like any of us have those moments where you suddenly realize you need to fire off a check - ie: when the kids would come to me just before the bus and say "hey M, I need a check for this or that for school". But, this is all the time with Xh. As long as the checks keep coming and they clear, I am ahead of the game at this point. Price of peace.  ::)

Sometimes this new role I have been forced into is not easy to handle. I have moments where being the only stable parent has worn thin and there are subjects that sometimes I am not sure I want to discuss with my S. Those were things XH was in charge of.

I have to balance being M with being apparently being the "cool M" - not sure I am comfortable with that title, but it is the reality, as S and his friends have come to me with some pretty interesting discussions. I suppose it is good that I don't rattle easily and I see enough at the high school to handle some of these things. It isn't always an easy thing. And the reality is I don't trust an MLC Xh to give the best advice.

On the flip side for S and I in particular it has probably brought us closer. He teases me about having to give me a curfew and such. He has expressed more than once he is okay with me dating, as has D now. Of course, that person will have to be able to survive 2 very aggressive velociraptors.

The other night he and I discussed how he realizes he is not wired for hookups. He wants more than that. He said he is just not like some of his friends who seek the quick fix. He had that with his Xgirlfriend, the one he went with for nearly 5 years, but he realizes she has way too many childhood issues that need to be dealt with before that would ever be possible. It was hard to hear my S say that he is lonely sometimes and it is not a need to fill a void, as in his words he is pretty happy with the way his life is going. But, he asked me if there was something wrong with wanting someone in his life. He said his friends are kidding him about this concept. I told him he has been cursed with being wired like me and if he needed a male role model to go by, that would be my F.

So, when I find moments where I hate being the 'stable parent' - like today when D, who I haven't really seen all week, calls to ask when I am taking her back to college - LOL - I have to remind myself these are the cards I have been dealt. And the truth is, I had already committed to taking D back when we discussed her time off. That was my mistake - LOL.  ::)  Luckily it is a really sunny day and most people will be at the bars partying while I am on the road, the traffic will be quiet when we are not en route.

On the flip side, these conversations I now find myself involved in have evolved to other things and maybe it has opened the door to things I never would have discussed with my kids. It is not all bad. And, being the only 'stable parent' I am watching the kids grow up to be independent, strong kids.

Yesterday, I had asked S what his plans were for the week. He right away said his plan was to come home right away today, he wasn't spending all day with his F. To me, that speaks volumes. He doesn't spend much time with Xh anymore. It is sad, but that is not my doing. There is a lot I can take blame for, I am not perfect, but the relationship Xh has with the kids is all on him. I don't stand in his way.

S and D's boyfriend were not friends in high school. They didn't get along at all. D's boyfriend suffers from ADHD and can be a bit off the wall at times, yet he has an abundant amount of patience and is so good hearted. In high school, D's boyfriend was a champion wrestler and ran with other kids. He partied a bit, but he graduated and distanced himself completely from that crew. S was in a whole other group of friends. Primarily the farm kids. Funny thing is now they both have crisscrossed into sharing many of the same friends. S has invited D and her boyfriend to spend time with his friends. They all get along really well.

I get to see all of this unfold. So, on Friday S left work to go help D's boyfriend who was stranded with a flat tire that he couldn't get off the bolts. S took the time to help out. He said it only took him 10 minutes to loosen it, as S knew the trick. Today, S informed me on his way home he was going to change the oil on D's boyfriend's car for him. I looked at him and was ready to ask if D had asked him to do that. S offered up that when D's boyfriend mentioned he was going to go to have it done at the shop, S said he wouldn't hear of it. It made me laugh. I had to ask him what has changed between he and the boyfriend.

I wanted to cry. S informs me that while they might not last in the long run, that remains to be seen, he knows this guy is a good guy. S said he and D have a connection and it is clear to S that her boyfriend has her back. S said he really has gotten so he likes this kid and the fact that he treats his little sister so well is huge. S said D has what he is craving himself someday and he is going to be happy for her and help however he can to show her he supports her.

This morning it struck me a bit, Xh in his need to be independent of his family, by his choice is missing this. It makes me sad for those who have been kept from their kids and I am a bit embarrassed by my complaints of having to be the only parent sound ungrateful. Sometimes I need the reminder.  :)

 

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