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Author Topic: My Story Slow journey of healing

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My Story Slow journey of healing
OP: March 11, 2019, 03:15:29 PM
Starting thread Pt4. Thanks to all who have contributed.

BD 2yrs ago. Separated 6 months ago. Trying to reach place of acceptance for this life I never asked for.

Clear signs of a lack of coping strategy of life events. Feel compassionate and supportive than angry and hateful.

Quote
This thought just leaped into my mind....do you have any pets McKnight? We had 2 dogs in our married life, I didn't have a dog for quite some time but I rescued a 2 year old (didn't want to deal with a puppy) 8 years ago and she has helped a great deal with the loneliness.

No - I'm not really a pet person although I love animals.

I would rather sit in a hotel lobby to read a book than to sit in my room alone. I would rather go for a drink in a pub alone and read the newspaper or mess about on an iPad, than sit on my own at home. Of course, there are times I still like to just sit in front of the TV and watch a good film.

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Your growth in understanding your wife's crisis is very apparent. Your willingness to look at your own life and I sense there is the desire for something "good" is also in your writing....small steps McKnight and there will be setbacks, but the momentum is moving forward.

Thanks, Your kind words are appreciated; baby steps forward. Its is very clear to me she is stuck in a fog.....a haze, a cloud of grief, that is affecting her relationship, her state of mind and her perception of reality.

Stepping out of her way and letting her work through it.....whilst trying to accept I can't fix it.

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10450.0
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« Last Edit: March 12, 2019, 01:25:09 AM by Silver »

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#1: March 12, 2019, 01:46:27 AM
Attaching MK.

Acceptance after just 6 months separation is probably hard to reach. I love the discussion about acceptance at the end of your previous thread, like see it as a journey not a goal. Never really thought about it that way but that's how it is mate. Comes trough cycling, accepting our emotions, not trying to force anything or deny anything, and trough seeing that there just is nothing we can do about it. This happened, to you and to me, to all of us, can't go back in time and even we could, probably wouldn't change the result. I see you are at that path, making that journey already.  How long will it take, no one knows. That's why we have to live on anyway, standing or not.

To me noticing that my focus has turned more into myself than into her has been important note. You will catch it too mate. I am done yet not healed, it takes time and more time. You can't be healed either in such a short time, but you are doing things that keep you on the track. Keep doing all that, healing will follow.
 
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#2: March 12, 2019, 08:36:14 AM
Attaching....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#3: March 17, 2019, 09:18:10 PM
Back to waking at 4am....things on my mind.....does the pain, the anguish, the grief, feelings of self blame ever end?

Is there a point reached where you can navigate through a day without experiencing constant feelings of sadness and loss?
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« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 09:20:03 PM by MKnight10 »

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#4: March 17, 2019, 09:45:53 PM
Attaching, MKnight.

Sorry you're going through this.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#5: March 18, 2019, 12:58:43 AM
Back to waking at 4am....things on my mind.....does the pain, the anguish, the grief, feelings of self blame ever end?

Is there a point reached where you can navigate through a day without experiencing constant feelings of sadness and loss?

Absolutely yes for both questions. Not fast but will happen - this is from twice divorced guy who didn't want either of them to happen.
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#6: March 18, 2019, 01:40:50 AM
Agian, as Silver said. Absolutely yes!
You will get through this hard time, it DOES get better/earier.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#7: March 18, 2019, 01:45:40 AM
Back to waking at 4am....things on my mind.....does the pain, the anguish, the grief, feelings of self blame ever end?

Is there a point reached where you can navigate through a day without experiencing constant feelings of sadness and loss?
Absolutely yes for both questions. Not fast but will happen - this is from twice divorced guy who didn't want either of them to happen.
Agian, as Silver said. Absolutely yes!
You will get through this hard time, it DOES get better/earier.

Yes it does and yes you will... There WILL be days and sometimes more than one where you will have a down cycle but they will start to get fewer and farther between and they won't be SO down as they used to be...

But, it does take time.

As far as not sleeping, I recommend Tryptophan which is an Amino Acid, Magnesium, and, if you can tolerate it, Melatonin... I have to be a bit careful with the last one because it can give me odd dreams...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#8: March 18, 2019, 04:59:45 AM
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Absolutely yes for both questions. Not fast but will happen

I do hope so.....I want to get off the rollercoaster. Every time I start to feel better I get another hit that takes me back to where I started.

I cant do sleeping aids due to drug testing at work.
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#9: March 18, 2019, 05:06:20 AM
Quote
Absolutely yes for both questions. Not fast but will happen

I do hope so.....I want to get off the rollercoaster. Every time I start to feel better I get another hit that takes me back to where I started.

I cant do sleeping aids due to drug testing at work.

Everything I have suggested is a normal hormone, an essential mineral, or a naturally-occurring essential Amino Acid.... I don't tolerate sleeping aids either so I had to find ways to help my own body do it's thing....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#10: March 18, 2019, 05:19:34 AM
Quote
Absolutely yes for both questions. Not fast but will happen

I do hope so.....I want to get off the rollercoaster. Every time I start to feel better I get another hit that takes me back to where I started.

I cant do sleeping aids due to drug testing at work.

Being in rollercoaster is part of your healing. Can't get off of it too soon but you will get off.

There are other options than benzodiazepines or that related, like mirtazapine wich works very well for many and for very small dose as well. Ask from your doctor about them. UM's suggestions being natural option are even better though if they work. Then again melatonin got from pill is synthetic too...
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#11: March 18, 2019, 06:42:28 AM
Good morning McKnight. You have been on my mind since I read your post from yesterday. I often found weekends to be harder than week days. As well, if you are not getting enough sleep, that makes this a lot more difficult. I think most of us suffered from waking up and not getting a good night's sleep and once that disappeared, I felt a great deal better.

I used Benadryl 50 mg every night...that's an antihistamine so should be ok with drug testing...just don't buy the non-drowsy formula. I also found this natural spray by Bach flower remedy called "Rescue Sleep" which I could spray under my tongue when I woke and that put me back to sleep.

Try the other things people have suggested as well until you find one that work. Heck, they say that warm milk helps.

Yoga nidra, you can buy CD's is something you just listen to.....they say that 20 minutes of yoga nidra is equivalent to 7 hours of REM sleep.

I remember so very well thinking, is this nightmare ever going to end? After BD, although I was in shock and terribly upset, I thought that I could handle this, that I was a strong and independent woman, so what, my husband left me, many have had a spouse left me and they "seemed" to be ok..I figured a year would bring me through this ( of course I also believed he would come running back with his tail between his legs and all would be well).

You will start to feel better. It will come gradually and you may not notice  it at first and there will be triggers that will cause you to crash again.

Talking to others who have been through this helps.

You will feel better. Not the way you used to feel.....but not this amount of pain either.

I cannot remember if you are seeing a therapist. I see a therapist who recognizes that I am suffering from PTSD and she has a concrete style of therapy that deals with how my body and mind are dealing with this, and techniques to use to change it..it has been very, very helpful.

I never imagined that such pain could exist. Due to my husband's medical conditions and life style choices, I "worried" that he might die, but as sad as that would have been, this is much, much worse....betrayal, rejection, abandonment without any warning.

Have patience, continue to reach out here and if possible to a friend who will understand and support you through this.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#12: April 03, 2019, 12:44:20 AM
MK are you ok mate?
Long time no see, hopefully that means things are going peaceful?
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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#13: April 03, 2019, 03:48:42 PM
Hi Silver....thanks for asking.

The pain and hurt doesn't go away....its always present and sometimes is all consuming.

I thought staying away from the forum for a while would help, but it hasn't.

I'm keeping engaged with life, work. hobbies, interests, friends, family and the kids.

Wife has vanished.
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#14: April 03, 2019, 06:12:26 PM
MKnight

I just uncovered XH's FB account (using my fake account) after several months, and saw 3 different pix of him & OW.  The good thing is that it made everything REAL....and (total) detachment that much easier.

I did notice that in every pic he still had the same huge, black-eyes.....which reminded me of just how powerful MLC is.
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#15: April 05, 2019, 12:45:54 AM
MK, good to hear from you.

IMHO it is the most important thing to do, not staying still even you feel that bad.
That is what you CAN do, to take care of yourself and stay busy enough. The pain will change it's form with time, doesn't end but will become easier to cope with.
Was difficult to me to accept that my family wasn't anymore '4 of us' but 3 of us. It is not nearly that difficult now, after an year has passed.
It's about adapting to 'new normal' and it will happen, you have lots of strengths obviously which will help that to happen. Time.
Believe in yourself mate, in spite of all the pain.

mego I had a need to do that, but the best decision I probably made last year was I totally stopped looking her FB and obviously unfriended her too.
She got really mad at me to do that  :o
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« Last Edit: April 05, 2019, 12:49:37 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#16: April 14, 2019, 03:11:37 PM
I found out today, my estranged wife is in a relationship with her affair partner from 2yrs ago and have seen evidence its been going on for some time.

Its clear the relationship wasn't over when she said it was and once moved out of the family home she was free to carry on.

I have no interest being an option, I have no interest in standing.

I don't want a relationship with her, now or ever.  For me, a line has been crossed.

She is no longer wife material.

Very sad; she will learn she is using external solutions for internal problems; the hard way.

Breaking up a family, lying and cheating is no basis to build a relationship. I hope they will be very happy together.

I'm done.
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#17: April 14, 2019, 04:06:30 PM
WOW, McKnight.....

Because, SO AM I!!  2.5 years later, I have had enough of his games, his drama, and his MLC. 

There is only so long that one can push until the relationship irretrievably breaks, and there's just no return from the abyss.

It's just weird to take something so great and smash it to bits.

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« Last Edit: April 14, 2019, 04:12:18 PM by megogirl »

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#18: April 15, 2019, 01:08:55 AM
So sorry to hear this MK.  It's the most difficult thing to do, to let go, but it is what you have to do now. Nothing you can do about it.
I did the same decision, not agreed being the plan B and told it to her very clear. Still you have to remember that this is MLC, the end for it comes when you decide it to come. It is your choice, she has made her's for now. Whatever you decide, the most important thing now is you. What can you do for yourself to help yourself survive and get back living again.

This is not the end of your life, far from that mate, your life is not dependent on her, never.



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"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#19: April 15, 2019, 01:39:54 AM
Im sorry mate but its often something like this with helps us see the BS for what it is and finally be "done".
This is not the end, its the beginning of a new chapter. The sooner you accept this the sooner you will feel whole again. Start living, it may Sound a Little MLCish but its all about you know.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#20: April 15, 2019, 06:01:06 AM
Attaching

I’m sorry to read that you saw evidence of the relationship. It’s always hard when that happens but that said, I do believe we need to see these things in order to move to the next step.
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#21: May 03, 2019, 04:00:53 PM
Quote from a lawyer........

"I don't know you, but in 15yrs of practising family law, I see this all the time. The recent death of a parent becomes the catalyst for a divorce, that blindsides the unsuspecting spouse that their wife/husband wants out and then goes on to set up with someone else."

It was never about me; I was never going to be able to fix it. There was nothing wrong with my marriage. There is nothing wrong with me.

I haven't felt this good and positive about life for a long time.

Live like she is not coming back.......and I'm actually starting to enjoy it.
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#22: May 03, 2019, 04:49:52 PM
You sound better Knight.

Here's to Life!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#23: May 04, 2019, 01:41:06 AM
Your so right. It’s not about you. It’s funny because for a while you read it on here people tell you I. rL but it’s almost like they just say it. But one day it clicks and it’s so so true!
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#24: July 13, 2019, 03:46:03 PM
My wife asked for help lifting some heavy items. I was asked if I would stay for coffee.

She appeared genuinely interested in what I've been doing for the last year.

For 2.5yrs I've seen hostile, aggressive and irritable. For over an hour I saw my kind, caring wife.

She apologised for a few things as well.

27 months after BD, a year after moving out, she showed interest. Just a glimmer.

Zero expectations.

Touch & Go? Anchor Check? Fallen out with OM? Reality biting?
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#25: July 13, 2019, 03:57:49 PM
Yay, McKnight!

Doubt that it was an anchor check, because it sounds like the encounter lasted longer and was more than a simple ac.  She showed genuine interest in your well-being for the first time in over two years!

There is something about returns (or attempts to) at the "3 years"-ish mark.  It seems to be a running theme.  (RCR's H took 3.5, while ShockSis' took 4.)

Whatever.....que sera, sera.  You are clearly still on her mind, anyway.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 04:22:44 PM by megogirl »

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#26: July 13, 2019, 04:20:18 PM
MK, glad that you said zero expectations.. I would just put this interaction in the "interesting" bucket and back to living life..

Touch & Go? Anchor Check? Fallen out with OM? Reality biting?
Or any combination of those... or maybe nothing. As usual, time will tell!
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#27: July 14, 2019, 04:24:31 AM
I'll file it away in the positive interaction folder and look forward to the next one, whenever that may or may not be.

Zero expectations.

MK
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#28: July 14, 2019, 07:53:42 AM
Quote from a lawyer........

"I don't know you, but in 15yrs of practising family law, I see this all the time. The recent death of a parent becomes the catalyst for a divorce, that blindsides the unsuspecting spouse that their wife/husband wants out and then goes on to set up with someone else."

It was never about me; I was never going to be able to fix it. There was nothing wrong with my marriage. There is nothing wrong with me.

I haven't felt this good and positive about life for a long time.

Live like she is not coming back.......and I'm actually starting to enjoy it.

My lawyer said nearly the same thing, verbatim.  She totally believes in MLC, and kept talking about hormones as well as crises.  She also said "You cant do anything to control her or stop her.  You need to let her go and let her figure it out for herself."  Where have we heard that before?   ;)

Additionally,  she understands MLC and accepts it far more than my IC. 

It's not about us.
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« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 08:50:24 AM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#29: August 09, 2019, 04:58:08 PM
There are days it feels like my heart and soul have been ripped out and stamped upon; there are other days I feel just ok.

How long does it take to feel more than ok...
Read this link. The time to recovery will differ, but this may help you understand what is going on physiologically and can give you some feedback as to whether you could be stuck or not.
The Immediate and Prolonged Physiological Responses to Bomb Drop
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Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#30: August 10, 2019, 03:16:21 PM
Thanks....really appreciated.

MK
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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 08:34:31 AM by UrsaMajor »

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Slow journey of healing
#31: March 25, 2020, 05:34:25 PM
I haven't posted for a long time - maybe someone with great skills can link my old threads please.

I'm 3yrs down the road since BD - A joyful, loving and respectful relationship for 25yrs until XW father died and she went straight off the rails.

XW moved out 18months ago and after repeated denials of there being no one else, soon got together with AP, which allegedly ended 18months previous.  It was apparent he was waiting in the wings, which I was quite certain of at the time. My efforts to save my marriage never stood a chance.

The D is being dragged out - everything was agreed, until a nasty lawyer started unpicking everything. Takes 6-8 weeks to reply to a letter. Sometimes makes me wonder if its really what she wants?

I have something between a vanisher and a partial clinger, who cant completely let go. After months of no contact, a random, pointless text will pop up that didn't really need to be sent. I either ignore it or provide a brief response.

XW is still with OM - It still hurts - cars on the driveway, mind movies etc... I'm not sure what hurts the most sometimes - the mind movies or the lies, deception, betrayal. I've read the pain, never completely goes away. Is this true?

For me, I continue to GAL, concentrate on myself, IC, find out who I am and find out who I want to be;  I also, when able, concentrate on my kids. The more I do all these things, the better I feel. When I'm low and thinking about her, I turn my attention back to me and I feel better.

Standing is something I've struggled with - I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......

I've had a few dates - it very much feels like betrayal and a sense of disloyalty. Do these feelings ever go away?

I can't form a relationship with anyone else because I'm not ready, but I don't or do want her back, maybe, but I miss the family unit, being married, intimacy etc....the confusion for me continues.

My youngest, 14yrs, often says she wants to stay at XWs house. I go weeks without seeing her; I leave them to it; It feels such an injustice;

I've seen texts where OM has been telling my youngest how nasty her Dad is and he cant attend her weekend activities because her nasty Dad will be there and he will create a scene; I've never met him, would never want to meet him and he doesn't know anything about me.

The situation now, is that its clear the relationship XW wants with me is not the relationship I want with her. I want to be left alone. I want to delete her from my life and start something new. I can't do that if she keeps popping up and reminding me of a life that once was.

One day possibly with someone else, but maybe start something new by being alone. XW seems to think she can phone, text or chat for long periods of time and I'm ok with it, when I'm not. Sometimes, its a 'poor me' conversation. Working long hours, short of money, health issues etc.... I'm simply not interested in listening to it anymore; she has someone else for all that now.....

In recent weeks, she has been phoning on the pretence of sorting out the kids but it ends up with her talking like she has had nobody to talk to for the last six months; I just want to sort out what the issues are, then hang up. I get long texts and end up replying.....it feels like the life we used to have, until its not....

We are on lockdown and I have the kids during this time. We are having a great time and it feels so good having them around. I believe now that happiness is an internal choice, not an external one - In the last three years I've dealt with the trauma of my wife's affair, emotional abuse, separation, divorce, and now due to COVID-19 I dont know if I will have job to go back to; however, I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

MLC is truly awful. Its turned my XW into someone I don't recognise. She has betrayed her own values and beliefs in the pursuit of happiness; The belief that one person can make you happy, which we all know is not true. I was to blame for her unhappiness and now she is happy. As I recall shock Sis saying....its all fantasy.

Thanks for listening......baby steps. MK

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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 08:33:34 AM by UrsaMajor »

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Re: Slow journey of healing
#32: March 25, 2020, 05:43:09 PM
Sorry that you are still slogging along. The Yale course on happiness is free at this time- you can enroll via coursera. It just started so you can catch up easily. Yes, it´s internal vs. external.

Three years seems like a long time but you will be in a different place emotionally as the time increases. It took 3 years for my divorce to be complete and that just resulted in relief as in no more conflict. There was still a long journey of self care and healing after that. So, I´m 10 years out and am no longer standing in the rubble. Yes, the whole thing crosses my mind on a regular basis but the emotional pain is no longer there and has not been for a while. In fact, just this week I can finally use the wedding china and it no longer is bound to any emotion other than, Hey, I like this design. For the longest time I thought I would sell it b/c it was too painful to look at.

Glad that you have the company of your kiddos at this time. May your job be there when we all come out of our stay-at-home orders.
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#33: March 25, 2020, 07:54:21 PM
Hi MK-
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all these emotions at a time like this.  I'm reading yours and am on par with many of the things you're feeling right now. Quite normal.  I will be 3 years in August.  In haven't brought myself to dating as I suspect I don't have anything to offer except to keep getting to know my new self.  So, it's ok for that to fluctuate. Some days I cry out Lord, if it be your will to restore us, then some days keep him so far away.  We are just letting the emotions rise up to get them out.  I suspect she knows this isn't right, but pride, guilt and shame are creating the misc. touch and goes. I'm so sorry the OM feels he can chime in.  That's not good at all, especially in a proceeding.

Hopefully you will be able to find more strength and peace from those who care about your wellbeing.  The girls, friends and of course the HS family.  I wish you great healing, especially in these turbulent times.  Hang in there!  Many prayers!! GGG
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#34: March 25, 2020, 08:02:54 PM
I certainly hera your pain and confusion in every word you write and I am sorry that recovery from betrayal seems to take an eternity. I believe the pain will always be there . It will fade, it will sting less as time goes on and will turn into a deep sadness . But I do not believe a wound as traumatic as this will ever be truly gone.  The "mind-movies" are nasty little companions that come with trauma . For the record , my husband returned from his "walk on the wild side" and I spend time with "mind - movies" frequently .  Its a rumination of him with "her,  "they" had a private sex life, am I compared, does he think about her, was "it" better?. Cruel mind-movies. So whether or not they ever return...it seems the suffering that happens is very similar. I know "mind-movies" very well.  For a VERY long time , the confusion about "do I want him? Do I want a divorce?  I want him out!, what if he leaves?".  At times, if triggered , my mind will revert back to regret I reconciled, entertain ideas on how to "flee". I have never found stable, safe or unchanging emotional ground since BD . I am never the same way twice and can change my emotional state in a heartbeat.

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- I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......
.

I suspect this is true for every single LBS if they were to be 100% honest. It certainly was true for me . I think it is a "normal" state of mind considering all things.  How could we possibly be any other way ?  I was one of the LBS that said " I will never get past it"...and I haven't ....yet.

Quote
We are on lockdown and I have the kids during this time. We are having a great time and it feels so good having them around. I believe now that happiness is an internal choice, not an external one - In the last three years I've dealt with the trauma of my wife's affair, emotional abuse, separation, divorce, and now due to COVID-19 I dont know if I will have job to go back to; however, I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

the good and the bad all in one paragraph!. So , from my lockdown part of the world , I am happy to read that you can get up in the mornings and find the "happy" amidst the chaos and hurt. I still struggle with this at times. Kids are in lockdown with you will be memories for them some day ..so keep your eye on the happy and positive space. You are not alone in your mind-games …but we are all moving in the right direction. Forward .



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#35: March 26, 2020, 05:27:37 AM
Hello,

Quote
I've had a few dates - it very much feels like betrayal and a sense of disloyalty. Do these feelings ever go away?

Until you give up on your past relationship, it will feel that way. I was done before I started to date again. The first few dates I had were more just to do something. Go out and have a nice dinner. Talk to someone. Online dating is weird, but I learned to navigate the waters and not spend too much time online.

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Standing is something I've struggled with - I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......

Yes, I struggled with this for a while. Like you, my determination to keep my family together kept my will to stand. To be honest if other factors had not occurred, I may still be standing. However, when the divorce went through, my heart was stone towards her. She wanted out and I let her go.  She moved over 1000 miles away and that was the end for me.

Quote
I've seen texts where OM has been telling my youngest how nasty her Dad is and he cant attend her weekend activities because her nasty Dad will be there and he will create a scene;

That needs to stop for your ex's sake. The nasty comments only confuse the child and eventually, she will realize it was manipulation. She won't blame OM, she will blame her mother. My oldest still has a testy relationship at best with her mother and it is because of comments my ex made about me.

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I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

That is the most profound statement, you need to make that your mantra and live. Remember, the journey is the destination.

(((Ready)))

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#36: March 26, 2020, 06:51:40 AM
Hi McKnight,

What happened, how he acts towards me, how I still feel towards him is so confusing. It's been 10 1/2 years and life is stable for me but I still struggle with the reality of how his crisis impacted my life....

The pain of this loss is still with me, it always will be. I learned to live with it.

He also continues to contact me.  Many of them do that. It is what makes it all so bizarre.

I allow contact and respond and actually see him at times. Each of us have to figure out if that works or not for us.

When I am with him, it's quite nice and we still share many things and can talk about almost anything except us....it's very superficial and not what normal people do when they talk with one another...especially when you have a history of 35 years together!

The people here, we have felt the same feelings that you experience, and although there are no solutions, it still helps me to read other's stories which confirms that I am not an anomaly and that I am not doing something "wrong" to still feel as I do.

Our connections with others are deeply rooted in our hearts, our memories, on a cellular level that is not explainable. Perhaps the  biblical "joined as one flesh" means more than we realize.

Just wanting to join with others here who have written to you. It is always good to hear an update.

Your ability to express your thoughts is a really healthy thing. You can identify your confusion, your pain...all that makes you human. That's a really good thing McKnight.

They do not seem to be able to connect with their feelings at all.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#37: March 26, 2020, 08:36:51 AM
Hi McKnight

I have done better than linking your threads. I found your previous thread and merged them so people can go back a little bit and catch up. In addition, I moved this thread back to the main Community Board from the Archives.

I hear you about D14. S13 is with me and D9 is with xW for the most part and now, since we are in lockdown, I don't get to see D9 at all.... and xW doesn't get to see S13 (although he has a smartphone and can videochat with her)
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#38: March 26, 2020, 04:36:10 PM
UM - Thanks for the linking and merging of threads.

Thanks for all your posts and messages of support. It's great to feel I'm not alone and others have felt or feel the same.

Baby steps, one day at a time.
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#39: March 26, 2020, 07:19:39 PM
Hi MKnight. Your description of how all this feels is so spot on. I too have all those thoughts and feelings. As you say baby steps. 
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#40: April 04, 2020, 03:56:09 PM
Levels of contact is becoming an issue for me - I want no contact - It puts me in an emotionally happy place.

I realise though that I have to have to some form of contact in order to effectively co-parent.

I can guarantee after weeks and months of little to no contact, I will get a random, nothing, didn't need to be sent text.

This contact then leads ex to give the 'poor me' scenarios - Not my problem anymore and I've no interest listening to it. Long text conversations often follow for which I often feel the need to reply....mainly to be polite.

.......until she knocks on the door full of sorrow and remorse, I'm happy moving on with my life, wherever that takes me. I've nothing to say to her and I'm not interested in being best buddies.

I doubt that will ever happen, but who ever would have thought 2020 would be the year, the world shut down ?

I'm interested in what levels contact people want and how they achieve it please?
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#41: April 05, 2020, 04:19:04 AM
I’m probably the worst person to ask the level of contact because frankly I failed so many times. Especially at the start of this journey and after BD.

However I think for me I had to slowly ease into the way things are now. Cold turkey, so to speak would have been too hard for me to handle. Me and Clington actually get on fairly well 99.9% of the time. However, a lot of our chats tend to be face to face. We don’t really text as obviously people can read them. 😂 but it does make me laugh that he could be so blunt on a text “I will pick kids up at 9” to then FaceTime or come for collection and be happy smiley jokey joke joke.

I rarely reply to anything clington texts/says right away unless it’s time sensitive. This gives me time to think if I actually need yo reply or if I am replying out of habit. Sometimes he texts things like “what time will you and the kids be back” this is usually if we have been out and it’s his contact day. So I reply to that but just something like “soon” or a set time. I try and keep our chats about the kids and only the kids. Of course this is hard if the subject changes and naturally you follow the flow. I don’t mind it the kids see us laughing and joking and being nice together as I think they need that as opposed to arguments or awkwardness. But unless the kids wee present or we are talking about the kids. I don’t really speak to him. When it’s my time with the kids I could go days with no contact.
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Re: Slow journey of healing
#42: April 05, 2020, 12:26:58 PM
My case is different because we didn't have kids so light/no contact was achievable from day 1 pretty much. At the beginning I was afraid of contact but we would have it on a regular basis down to practicalities. It would mainly be mail and the odd face to face. At the end of 2018 H moved abroad and I haven't seen him since.. Contact is pretty rare and mainly initiated by me pushing him to finish business with me. When he first moved, I thought I would die... The idea of not seeing him again, etc.. Looking back it was the best thing for me. I was able to detach and fully analyze my feelings for him, our marriage and his actions towards me since BD. It helped me realize that what we had was gone and it was up to me to live my life to the best of my ability without having a dependency on him or his actions.. I truly let him go and freed myself from the pressure of "doing the right thing as per the MLC runbook" 

I wouldn't tell anyone to do what I did because we are all different and we have different circumstances but having VERY little contact has worked very well for me and my healing.
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#43: April 05, 2020, 12:57:20 PM
Quote
I wouldn't tell anyone to do what I did because we are all different and we have different circumstances but having VERY little contact has worked very well for me and my healing.

VERY little contact works for me too, but my issue is that every now and again she pops up with irrelevant text messages I feel the need to respond to out of politeness. I feel they are unwanted anchor checks and seeing if I am still there.

I wish she would get the legal issues resolved and then leave me alone.
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#44: April 05, 2020, 01:19:26 PM
As OneDay says, we all have different situations and might want different levels of contact for different reasons at different times.....
The key I think is being able to see what Is best for YOU at a given time. And accepting too that you can change your mind at any future point if you choose to do so too.

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I want no contact - It puts me in an emotionally happy place
.
And that is a good reason. Working out the why might help you figure out what kind of contact you are prepared to have or not though. Worth remembering too that we say NC but truthfully that is one end of a spectrum....in the middle is Dim where you perhaps have some limited mutual but neutral contact...or Dark where you respond to some things but never initiate. Why are you happier if you have less contact do you think? And what kinds of things do you practically still need contact about? Are some of them only for a limited period of time?

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I realise though that I have to have to some form of contact in order to effectively co-parent
.
Can't recall, sorry, how old your kids are. If they are older teenagers or young adults, other LBS have no/limited contact bc they just let the kids and ex/spouse get on with it (or not) directly. Even with younger kids, you can probably be pretty Dim if you wish....just logistics and facts. You might need to consider if what you want to do is co-parent or actually in reality parallel parent? Not many MLCers seem to be capable of adult co-parenting (which implies a level of respectful reciprocity perhaps) and it might depend on the details of your situation and how your ex/wife behaves as a parent?

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I can guarantee after weeks and months of little to no contact, I will get a random, nothing, didn't need to be sent text...the 'poor me' scenarios....I've no interest listening to it......I often feel the need to reply....mainly to be polite
.
Well, I'd humbly suggest that if you don't want to listen, you can choose not to. To ignore the random text or respond like you would if a slightly nutso acquaintance sent them....a 'sorry you feel that way' (or some anodyne version of 'cool, bummer, wow'  :) ) for politeness, ignore any obvious baited hooks bc you are not a fish and shut it down. Or be polite but more direct and say that given the circumstances you don't feel it's appropriate now to talk about anything other than parenting stuff. Polite does not have to equal having conversations you don't want/need to have surely? No different than how you deal with a boring neighbour trying to chat when you're late to work or a really dull stranger at a party?  You are in charge of your own politeness after all  :)...
And MLCers are rather infamous for being sufficiently self-centred that they will usually convert an inch to a mile....well, when it suits them of course  ::)

Tbh most of what makes no/limited contact tricky is usually about OUR emotions and OUR expectations and OUR assumptions about what the ex/spouse might be thinking/feeling. So, my friend, you might need to sit quietly and be really honest with yourself about how you feel when your ex/wife contacts you or vice versa. You sound a bit idk...angry? Resentful? Used? Trapped?.....and what are you concerned might happen if you stop responding politely?

Imho it is easier to implement the kind of no/limited contact you want when you are comfortable and clear about what you want and why. Jmo.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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#45: April 05, 2020, 03:30:14 PM
Thanks for all your posts - comforting and thought provoking at the same time.

Quote
or Dark where you respond to some things but never initiate.

I would probably describe myself as dark; and have been for a very long time; I will only respond when texted or called. I have rarely, if ever, initiated any conversation. If I have its been on a child care related issue only.

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Why are you happier if you have less contact do you think? And what kinds of things do you practically still need contact about? Are some of them only for a limited period of time?

Before she left, she could barely manage a hello or goodbye. She moved out of the matrimonial bedroom, vilified everything I did or said; I was even accused of doing things I definitely had not done. I could do nothing right. Everything was a problem; She just had to leave to be happy; and I now know she was probably carrying on with OM whilst still at home. If she wasn't , he was waiting for her, on a mutual understanding.

Fast forward 2yrs and she is now behaving like she wants to be BFFs; friendly, 'anchor' type text messages. For me I'm happier with less contact because I've had not one word of sorrow or remorse for the pain and hurt she has caused me. In addition, I get all the anger and frustration of our D13, directed at me and I get no support in helping me deal with it.

Without any of that, I'm not prepared to carry on having friendly conversations and pretend nothing has happened.

We need to talk about pick up and drop off times for our youngest D13; the older, young adult children are self sufficient and do their own thing.

I dont know how my xw behaves as a parent. Before she left, she was very critical of my parenting skills. She very much gives the kids a free reign to do what they want. I'm not quite as laid back and won't allow my D13 to do what she wants, when she wants to do it. Its the reason why D13 often doesnt want to come to my house as she believes she gets an easier time with her mother.

Quote
Tbh most of what makes no/limited contact tricky is usually about OUR emotions and OUR expectations and OUR assumptions about what the ex/spouse might be thinking/feeling.

Its exactly how it is. It often reminds me of a life that once was. Its also emotionless.

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You sound a bit idk...angry? Resentful? Used? Trapped?.....and what are you concerned might happen if you stop responding politely?

I don't feel angry - I feel relatively calm.

I'd say I feel very hurt - not just a day to day level of being upset, but a deep down level of hurt - I think its the vilification, the false stories, the rewriting of history, the false justification to friends, the OM, the whats wrong with me, the whats he got that I haven't, the Facebook posts months before BD, saying how great I was; the hurt its caused the kids that they won't talk about because she has silenced them.

.........and then along comes a no nothing text trying to be my friend.

.........but if I don't respond I don't feel like I'm leaving the door open. As time goes by I don't actually know if I want to leave the door open; It comes back to my original post.

.........if it was a relationship that wasn't working and by mutual agreement we went separate ways, I would accept it as the end. For me though, we were two busy professionals running a large household. To be left is one thing, but to be left for someone else in such hurtful circumstances, I do sometimes struggle to comprehend what has happened to my life. She appears to carry on like the last 25yrs meant nothing.

I'm at a very conflicting stage of healing. My brain and heart are totally misaligned. My brain says its over; I've been betrayed by the person I gave the most to for 25yrs; my heart is way behind and hearing from her in text messages just pulls at the heart strings.
 
Its made me think, thanks. MK
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#46: April 05, 2020, 07:27:44 PM
I know exactly how you feel. I am almost 2 years in from BD and just recently told my ex to stop contacting me. We have been divorced since October 2019 and he is the same as your wife in texting me or emailing once a month or so. It always sets me back in my healing. Is it because I have expectations? I'm sure it is, and also like you I have not seen any true remorse so don't care to have the touch and goes.

We have no kids together so it is easier for me to go NC. When he would reach out I would respond eventually to him to leave the door open. But after a while it has gotten to me and I need a clean break. I told him that I don't want to be his friend, it is too painful. I hope he will listen to me this time since it's not the first time I told him not to contact me. Although for some reason I think he might get it finally. We've gone 5 months NC at one point but he usually pokes out now about once a month or so.

I sent him an email explaining my feelings on the matter, which I will paste below. It is truly how I feel yet at the same time I think I subtlety eluded that if he "wakes" up and gets through his crisis I'd be willing to see what could happen.

I think we all have to do what's best for us. But NC is what works best for my mental/emotional health.

Below is the email I sent him last week....

I know we just got off the phone for a long time. This is why I prefer the silence, because my mind keeps thinking of things when we have contact. I just wanted to say that it still hurts me deeply to hear no emotion from you. I understand that it's where you are at but it still effects me. I never knew that you felt our marriage needed to get to a better place and I'm sorry that I thought we were fine. I wish you would've communicated but of course it doesn't matter now anyway, we are where we are. I also wish you didn't give up on me so easily but I'm coming to terms with it, slowly. It made me realize that I would've stood by you for anything and did, and it was easy for you to walk away instead of trying. I would love to erase the last few years of my life honestly, but since I can't I can only make the best out of what I have. 

Maybe one day you will wake up and feel the pain I felt for all this time, and realize what you have done and all you have lost, or maybe you never will. I just know that I had my faults but was a loyal and faithful wife and deserved the same in return. I know I never said it but you were my everything, and I truly did love you with all my heart. Now my heart is broken but it is starting to piece itself back together, one day at a time. But when we communicate my heart starts chipping away again and I can't have that. I need to heal completely, and give myself the opportunity to feel whole again. So like I said, I do appreciate you reaching out to show you were thinking of me during this awful time but from now on I prefer it if you didn't. I have to let you go, and this is how I can. 

I know it's early but I am wishing you a Happy Birthday now. I really do hope you have a lot better one than I have had recently. I think it's better to say it now instead of reaching out next month. This email is not meant to make you feel bad or to set you back, it's to express my feelings. I wish you well, and hope that one day you can become the person that I know you can be, and a person that you can be proud of. If you never get there just know that I really did enjoy our life together and I hope you find happiness.
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