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Author Topic: My Story Slow journey of healing

M
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My Story Re: Depression & MLC Pt4
#30: August 10, 2019, 03:16:21 PM
Thanks....really appreciated.

MK
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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 08:34:31 AM by UrsaMajor »

M
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Slow journey of healing
#31: March 25, 2020, 05:34:25 PM
I haven't posted for a long time - maybe someone with great skills can link my old threads please.

I'm 3yrs down the road since BD - A joyful, loving and respectful relationship for 25yrs until XW father died and she went straight off the rails.

XW moved out 18months ago and after repeated denials of there being no one else, soon got together with AP, which allegedly ended 18months previous.  It was apparent he was waiting in the wings, which I was quite certain of at the time. My efforts to save my marriage never stood a chance.

The D is being dragged out - everything was agreed, until a nasty lawyer started unpicking everything. Takes 6-8 weeks to reply to a letter. Sometimes makes me wonder if its really what she wants?

I have something between a vanisher and a partial clinger, who cant completely let go. After months of no contact, a random, pointless text will pop up that didn't really need to be sent. I either ignore it or provide a brief response.

XW is still with OM - It still hurts - cars on the driveway, mind movies etc... I'm not sure what hurts the most sometimes - the mind movies or the lies, deception, betrayal. I've read the pain, never completely goes away. Is this true?

For me, I continue to GAL, concentrate on myself, IC, find out who I am and find out who I want to be;  I also, when able, concentrate on my kids. The more I do all these things, the better I feel. When I'm low and thinking about her, I turn my attention back to me and I feel better.

Standing is something I've struggled with - I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......

I've had a few dates - it very much feels like betrayal and a sense of disloyalty. Do these feelings ever go away?

I can't form a relationship with anyone else because I'm not ready, but I don't or do want her back, maybe, but I miss the family unit, being married, intimacy etc....the confusion for me continues.

My youngest, 14yrs, often says she wants to stay at XWs house. I go weeks without seeing her; I leave them to it; It feels such an injustice;

I've seen texts where OM has been telling my youngest how nasty her Dad is and he cant attend her weekend activities because her nasty Dad will be there and he will create a scene; I've never met him, would never want to meet him and he doesn't know anything about me.

The situation now, is that its clear the relationship XW wants with me is not the relationship I want with her. I want to be left alone. I want to delete her from my life and start something new. I can't do that if she keeps popping up and reminding me of a life that once was.

One day possibly with someone else, but maybe start something new by being alone. XW seems to think she can phone, text or chat for long periods of time and I'm ok with it, when I'm not. Sometimes, its a 'poor me' conversation. Working long hours, short of money, health issues etc.... I'm simply not interested in listening to it anymore; she has someone else for all that now.....

In recent weeks, she has been phoning on the pretence of sorting out the kids but it ends up with her talking like she has had nobody to talk to for the last six months; I just want to sort out what the issues are, then hang up. I get long texts and end up replying.....it feels like the life we used to have, until its not....

We are on lockdown and I have the kids during this time. We are having a great time and it feels so good having them around. I believe now that happiness is an internal choice, not an external one - In the last three years I've dealt with the trauma of my wife's affair, emotional abuse, separation, divorce, and now due to COVID-19 I dont know if I will have job to go back to; however, I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

MLC is truly awful. Its turned my XW into someone I don't recognise. She has betrayed her own values and beliefs in the pursuit of happiness; The belief that one person can make you happy, which we all know is not true. I was to blame for her unhappiness and now she is happy. As I recall shock Sis saying....its all fantasy.

Thanks for listening......baby steps. MK

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« Last Edit: March 26, 2020, 08:33:34 AM by UrsaMajor »

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Re: Slow journey of healing
#32: March 25, 2020, 05:43:09 PM
Sorry that you are still slogging along. The Yale course on happiness is free at this time- you can enroll via coursera. It just started so you can catch up easily. Yes, it´s internal vs. external.

Three years seems like a long time but you will be in a different place emotionally as the time increases. It took 3 years for my divorce to be complete and that just resulted in relief as in no more conflict. There was still a long journey of self care and healing after that. So, I´m 10 years out and am no longer standing in the rubble. Yes, the whole thing crosses my mind on a regular basis but the emotional pain is no longer there and has not been for a while. In fact, just this week I can finally use the wedding china and it no longer is bound to any emotion other than, Hey, I like this design. For the longest time I thought I would sell it b/c it was too painful to look at.

Glad that you have the company of your kiddos at this time. May your job be there when we all come out of our stay-at-home orders.
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BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

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Slow journey of healing
#33: March 25, 2020, 07:54:21 PM
Hi MK-
I'm so sorry you're having to go through all these emotions at a time like this.  I'm reading yours and am on par with many of the things you're feeling right now. Quite normal.  I will be 3 years in August.  In haven't brought myself to dating as I suspect I don't have anything to offer except to keep getting to know my new self.  So, it's ok for that to fluctuate. Some days I cry out Lord, if it be your will to restore us, then some days keep him so far away.  We are just letting the emotions rise up to get them out.  I suspect she knows this isn't right, but pride, guilt and shame are creating the misc. touch and goes. I'm so sorry the OM feels he can chime in.  That's not good at all, especially in a proceeding.

Hopefully you will be able to find more strength and peace from those who care about your wellbeing.  The girls, friends and of course the HS family.  I wish you great healing, especially in these turbulent times.  Hang in there!  Many prayers!! GGG
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Slow journey of healing
#34: March 25, 2020, 08:02:54 PM
I certainly hera your pain and confusion in every word you write and I am sorry that recovery from betrayal seems to take an eternity. I believe the pain will always be there . It will fade, it will sting less as time goes on and will turn into a deep sadness . But I do not believe a wound as traumatic as this will ever be truly gone.  The "mind-movies" are nasty little companions that come with trauma . For the record , my husband returned from his "walk on the wild side" and I spend time with "mind - movies" frequently .  Its a rumination of him with "her,  "they" had a private sex life, am I compared, does he think about her, was "it" better?. Cruel mind-movies. So whether or not they ever return...it seems the suffering that happens is very similar. I know "mind-movies" very well.  For a VERY long time , the confusion about "do I want him? Do I want a divorce?  I want him out!, what if he leaves?".  At times, if triggered , my mind will revert back to regret I reconciled, entertain ideas on how to "flee". I have never found stable, safe or unchanging emotional ground since BD . I am never the same way twice and can change my emotional state in a heartbeat.

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- I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......
.

I suspect this is true for every single LBS if they were to be 100% honest. It certainly was true for me . I think it is a "normal" state of mind considering all things.  How could we possibly be any other way ?  I was one of the LBS that said " I will never get past it"...and I haven't ....yet.

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We are on lockdown and I have the kids during this time. We are having a great time and it feels so good having them around. I believe now that happiness is an internal choice, not an external one - In the last three years I've dealt with the trauma of my wife's affair, emotional abuse, separation, divorce, and now due to COVID-19 I dont know if I will have job to go back to; however, I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

the good and the bad all in one paragraph!. So , from my lockdown part of the world , I am happy to read that you can get up in the mornings and find the "happy" amidst the chaos and hurt. I still struggle with this at times. Kids are in lockdown with you will be memories for them some day ..so keep your eye on the happy and positive space. You are not alone in your mind-games …but we are all moving in the right direction. Forward .



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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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Slow journey of healing
#35: March 26, 2020, 05:27:37 AM
Hello,

Quote
I've had a few dates - it very much feels like betrayal and a sense of disloyalty. Do these feelings ever go away?

Until you give up on your past relationship, it will feel that way. I was done before I started to date again. The first few dates I had were more just to do something. Go out and have a nice dinner. Talk to someone. Online dating is weird, but I learned to navigate the waters and not spend too much time online.

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Standing is something I've struggled with - I ask myself if I want her back and often the answer is yes but.....no, maybe....No, she is ***** someone else, I'm not interested and could never get past it......

Yes, I struggled with this for a while. Like you, my determination to keep my family together kept my will to stand. To be honest if other factors had not occurred, I may still be standing. However, when the divorce went through, my heart was stone towards her. She wanted out and I let her go.  She moved over 1000 miles away and that was the end for me.

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I've seen texts where OM has been telling my youngest how nasty her Dad is and he cant attend her weekend activities because her nasty Dad will be there and he will create a scene;

That needs to stop for your ex's sake. The nasty comments only confuse the child and eventually, she will realize it was manipulation. She won't blame OM, she will blame her mother. My oldest still has a testy relationship at best with her mother and it is because of comments my ex made about me.

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I can get up in the morning and find the positives and create my own happiness by doing the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy being around.

That is the most profound statement, you need to make that your mantra and live. Remember, the journey is the destination.

(((Ready)))

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Slow journey of healing
#36: March 26, 2020, 06:51:40 AM
Hi McKnight,

What happened, how he acts towards me, how I still feel towards him is so confusing. It's been 10 1/2 years and life is stable for me but I still struggle with the reality of how his crisis impacted my life....

The pain of this loss is still with me, it always will be. I learned to live with it.

He also continues to contact me.  Many of them do that. It is what makes it all so bizarre.

I allow contact and respond and actually see him at times. Each of us have to figure out if that works or not for us.

When I am with him, it's quite nice and we still share many things and can talk about almost anything except us....it's very superficial and not what normal people do when they talk with one another...especially when you have a history of 35 years together!

The people here, we have felt the same feelings that you experience, and although there are no solutions, it still helps me to read other's stories which confirms that I am not an anomaly and that I am not doing something "wrong" to still feel as I do.

Our connections with others are deeply rooted in our hearts, our memories, on a cellular level that is not explainable. Perhaps the  biblical "joined as one flesh" means more than we realize.

Just wanting to join with others here who have written to you. It is always good to hear an update.

Your ability to express your thoughts is a really healthy thing. You can identify your confusion, your pain...all that makes you human. That's a really good thing McKnight.

They do not seem to be able to connect with their feelings at all.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Slow journey of healing
#37: March 26, 2020, 08:36:51 AM
Hi McKnight

I have done better than linking your threads. I found your previous thread and merged them so people can go back a little bit and catch up. In addition, I moved this thread back to the main Community Board from the Archives.

I hear you about D14. S13 is with me and D9 is with xW for the most part and now, since we are in lockdown, I don't get to see D9 at all.... and xW doesn't get to see S13 (although he has a smartphone and can videochat with her)
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Slow journey of healing
#38: March 26, 2020, 04:36:10 PM
UM - Thanks for the linking and merging of threads.

Thanks for all your posts and messages of support. It's great to feel I'm not alone and others have felt or feel the same.

Baby steps, one day at a time.
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Slow journey of healing
#39: March 26, 2020, 07:19:39 PM
Hi MKnight. Your description of how all this feels is so spot on. I too have all those thoughts and feelings. As you say baby steps. 
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M: 49
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D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

 

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