Author Topic: My Story MLC Wife  (Read 976 times)

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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My Story MLC Wife
« on: March 12, 2019, 12:57:55 PM »
Hey guys

Not sure how to do this - but been a long lonely road and just need to talk about it.

Married for almost 12 years.  We used to be very very happy, did everything together and were best friends.  Went to bed at the same time, watched movies together, did everything together and never had issues.

At the start of 2018 my wife started talking to me about passion and excitement lacking in our marriage, this was already a shock, but nothing compared to what was coming.  I then started suspecting something was going on with her and her phone, I checked it once in a while and then found flirting messages with her male hairdresser.  I left it for months and then eventually confronted her, she was very apologetic.  This in itself was so so out of character for her.  I then started to suspect something big was going on.  The weeks went by each having another explanation, ranging from:

The marriage is not working for her
The relationship is placing too many expectations on her (she is a stay at home wife and I do not expect her to cook or clean)
Complaints that she tried and I was too busy working (I have the only income)
She wants her freedom (which I gave her)
She feels trapped
She asked for space (which I gave her)
She asked that we have no physical interactions (which I gave her)
Told me she settled for me and never really committed
Lack of her own income/job is bothering her
Her personal journey to improve herself

She has also gotten a tattoo since and completely thrown herself into training.  She is alot on her phone, chatting to different people.  Seems to range from 1 guy friend to another, and some girl friends.  She actually went out to have coffee with one of the guys, she told me about it beforehand.....at this point I am just letting her do whatever she needs to and I try to not react, but it is tough sometimes.

During this process there were times where she broke down and apologised and said she never wanted to hurt me etc. but then it will be fine for a few days and then something new will start.  A few days ago she got into bed and moved over to me and hugged me for the first time in months and started crying, I thought here is the turning point.  But it seems I was wrong.  2 days later and she told me she is going to see a psychologist and marriage counsellor.  She got back today saying we should go see a marriage counsellor and send me 2 books, the one is about saving our marriage and the other about uncoupling the marriage.  That just threw me off again.  She said that inside her she can not see the marriage work, but she has not made a decision yet whether to divorce or not because of fears.  She still wants to go see the marriage counsellor - maybe he can help her with her feelings were her words.

It really feels like she has no idea what she wants.  It is becoming very difficult for me to sit around and just wait. I read alot of HB stuff which has helped me so far.

I do think that I am emotionally okay if she does not want to carry on, but I also don’t want her to make a wrong decision and destroy something that should not be destroyed.  My biggest worry is around our kids and that I won’t be able to see them everyday as I now do. That is what has me sitting here with tears in my eyes now.  I love my wife, but I kinda made peace with what she wants to do, although I wish she would awaken.

I am just so confused and don’t know how much longer I should wait.  I read that I should not be the one to move out or agree to the divorce.

The vibe in the house is not bad, I try and be positive although she somehow thinks that there is a bad vibe due to me.  I have been working hard on myself and feel a better person, but I really hurt inside and just don’t understand how someone that loved me so much could change like this.  We are mostly kind to each other, unless we start talking about our issues, then she feels I do not understand her and push her for answers which she does not have.

I do think she recommitted to the kids, and I thought she did to me - I am not sure if maybe this is part of her healing process as she was never keen to see any psychologist and now decided to do it.

I know I have made mistakes in the journey as well, but have always been willing to fix our marriage where she would just say “I don’t know”.

I guess what I am trying to ask is where to from here?  Should I just stick with it and not expect much and let her do what she wants to and hope she comes back to me?  Could you possibly advise where she is in her journey?  There is something future talk.  Is she even in a MLC?

I struggle big time to focus on my work, the moment I get my energy up and happy she will drop something else on me......

Thanks guys

Offline OldPilot

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 01:35:01 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Skates

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2019, 01:55:36 PM »
You are not alone.  If you read my story we are almost the same - word for word and event by event.  You think everything is fine and then find out that it is not.  You worry about losing everything you have known and not seeing your kids every day.  You can't believe that it has come to this.  You can't believe that this has happened to you because you feel that although you aren't perfect you have done your best to give her what she wants.  What she wants seems to be a moving target and every time she asks you for something them some new things you have never heard of comes around.  You look at her and see the person you married 12 years ago but she is different.

She is lost, and has no clue what to do and so she will blame you for everything that has caused her to feel unhappy.  Its an awful feeling and i know you try to carry on but its freaking hard cause the person you have known for years turned into a monster you don't recognize and seems to only think about herself and not you.  You feel like you have zero control of your life and you are just standing there losing everything and the harder you try the worse it gets.  My W was in the same situation - she did not work for 14 years and instead looked after the kids.   Everyone would tell her that she had such a great life because she could do her own thing and still be at home with the kids every night.

You are going to hear this repeated a million times.  This isn't about you it's about her.  I like that the first thing you thought about was not seeing the kids - that's huge.   That means you know they are more important than your wife.  Thats huge too.  The kids are going to keep you going through all of this.  I didn't believe it when this happened to me but its true.  I have grown closer to my kids than i ever thought i would.  We separated for ~3 months.  I missed my kids like crazy, i cried all the time.  i cried to my mom and my friends.  I was a grown man who cried constantly.  But i had a friend who told me to let go and give her space.  So i spent 3 months missing my wife and my kids and my family.  I was hopeless.  But the days the kids were mine were that much better.  I enjoyed every second of it.  I became a better father.

My wife was a total b*tch to me.  She was awful.  But i ignored it for 3 months and unless it was about the kids or money i never spoke with her.  After 3 months she wanted to move back in with me.   I let her and she was awful to me.  She would say random things blaming me for stuff and telling me she feels nothing for me.  She would tell me she doesn't love me at least once a week.  its been 3 months since then and things started to change and get better.  A lot of the things she said she stopped saying.  The  big thing for her was that she started to work full time 40+ hours a week and do more stuff by herself.  She needed to feel that if she wanted or needed to leave and support herself then she could.  Based on some of what you said about your W she might be similar that she needs just needs to know she can be her own person.

My answer, it's a terrible situation but you should stay.  And when she treats you like crap, just think that you get to see your kids every day.  I like to think of it this way - if my wife was sick and had some disease that took 2 years to heal i would stay.  I consider the MLC to be a disease and i just have to stick it out for now.  No matter how hard it is.
Married 2001
MLC W 44
LBS H 46
D15, S17
BD August, 2018
Left home 2.5 months, home since Nov.
Blames me for all of the negative but none of the positive in her life.

“You beat cancer and then you went back to work at the carpet store?.”
― Rick Sanchez

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2019, 03:17:16 PM »
Hello,

I am so sorry you are on this site. But there are many good people and many will come with great words of wisdom.

First rule: You can not fix, solve, influence, control, force, heal, or any words of wisdom, acts of kindness, or any other thing will cure her. This is her issue and only she can do it. Believe me, I am a researcher and educator and I tried everything to no avail. In fact, when I did nothing and let the river flow, was progress made.

I failed in my stand. However, like early explorers, you can read my journal and navigate a different course if you choose. Not guaranteeing success nor happiness. To be honest, I am in a very good place right now, not the place I envisioned, but I am content.

So, let go. Keep your interactions to a minimum and professional. Talk about the kids, the weather, events of the day. No R talks to be initiated. If she does, do what is called mirror action. You mirror her. If she really sweet, enjoy the moment, but no expectations that it will last. MLCer cycle.

Set boundaries and be prepared for alienators. How you will react is up to you. After all, you have to live your life. While the MLCer runs from the fire, you face the fire. How can you improve? Read self-help books and take up a new hobby. Exercise for your health and stamina. Don't do it for her, do it for you. If she wants to go to counseling, go, but have no expectations. Listen, validate her feelings, but like a record, state your boundaries. Even Marriage counselors cant figure out MLCers. Individual counseling is recommended so you can work on yourself. Be deliberate and intentional in your actions- that is different from the MLCer.

Protect your finances. She can bankrupt you fast. Believe me. I barely kept my house and my family from going under.

Keep posting and know you have a long journey ahead for yourself,

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline serenity

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2019, 03:32:37 PM »
Hello lovemywife,

Welcome to the site. A place you’ll find help, support and answers.

I am sorry you find yourself here but at least it’s a place where we all understand what you’re going through.

Only you can decide what you want to do and how much you can tolerate at home. From what you’ve said it sounds very early days and your wife will be in replay, escape and avoid.

Some of these crisis can be shorter if they are mid life transitions and usually last around the three year mark but if it’s a full blown crisis they are on average 7 years! I’m at the 7 1/2 year mark!

All you can do, which you sound like you’re already doing is let her go. Look after yourself and your children and protect your finances because MLCers burn through money!

Your wife will/has become the opposite of the person you knew. It’s as if the shadow side takes over. You can’t help her and none of this is about you. It’s something within your wife, maybe a childhood issue or maybe something else.

Post and ask questions and others will be along to help too

X

Offline MKnight10

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2019, 05:14:13 PM »
LMW - Sorry your here -

Your post is an almost exact replica of my initial post - there are no answers - you cant fix it.

Whatever is going on with her, it has nothing to do with you; its something within her that is broken and only she can fix it.

That will take time - a great deal of time. If its fixed at all.

The best thing you can do is concentrate on yourself, your interests, hobbies, kids and friends.

There is wealth of experience on this site from men and women in exactly the same situation.

Keep posting. We all understand.

Offline megogirl

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2019, 06:02:20 PM »
My answer, it's a terrible situation but you should stay.  And when she treats you like crap, just think that you get to see your kids every day.  I like to think of it this way - if my wife was sick and had some disease that took 2 years to heal i would stay.  I consider the MLC to be a disease and i just have to stick it out for now.  No matter how hard it is

AMEN, Skates!

IMO -- it's attitudes such as yours (and mine, hopefully!) that, ultimately, will prevail.  I absolutely believe that all of our efforts will pay off someday.

And I certainly mean no disrespect to those who opt to walk.  Just different Strokes.... 

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2019, 12:41:21 AM »
Hi Guys

Wow - thank you so much for the response!  So many useful/confirming suggestions/thoughts from you guys!  It helps big time.

Some more info - from what I read (I have been going through HB's stuff, Larry Bilotta (Chaos Kids), Mort Fertel).  So what I got from it was that the death of someone could kickstart the MLC.  When my wife was in school (ages 3-10 I estimate) both her parents worked and she was looked after by her grandma.  Her grandma passed away September 2015, and the tattoo that she got was that of her grandma's passing date.  I am thinking that could have started the whole process. 

Honestly, the issues really started end of 2017 beginning 2018 - things like I love you, but not in love with you etc.  then it escalated to the points I mentioned before.  So the really tough things have been ongoing since then.

She was never willing to go see anyone, but that has changed - I get the feeling she tries 1 thing, if it fails she is onto the next......all the time avoiding facing her internal issues.  What I do know is that the lack of a business that is her own (she is not interested in a job) is huge for her.   So last night after the uncoupling talk, she messaged me (she was in the living room and I was in the room and we sometimes message as that does not result in a fight) and said thank you for being a great dad to the kids and that she really wants to try the couples counselling.  This morning she messaged me saying she knows I am hurting and may be angry, resentful, but would I still be willing to help her get her fitness business up and running.  I wasn't sure what to answer as I try and remain detached, but I also don't want to be mean or give up an opportunity where could do something together, so I said I would  :-\

I think I have become pretty good with detaching, but the moment I get some sort of positive intent form her I want to meet her halfway, but then a day or 2 later she would drop something new and my emotions would take a knock.  I realized I needed to detach completely to be able to focus on myself, kids and my work, so that has been better and I have been in a good mood.  We do have good days where we laugh and joke etc. 

We are not mean to each other in the house and I personally do not want her out or anything and happy to stand and wait for her - I told her last night that the last we discussed was that she needed space, and that is where I am still mentally, giving her the space but now she is talking about uncoupling (she did mention a month or 2 ago that she looked at divorce, but she could not go through with it for the kids - it became too real she said).

I struggle to find the sweet spot between remaining detached and still supporting her........for example she asked for a new laptop to help her with the business (yes, the laptop she has is not great, but it functions (she wants to go sit at coffee shops and work sometimes, and she can't do it with the old one)) - so I was worried that why should I spent money on a new laptop (so she is getting the advantages of the marriage, but not committing to it), but I also want to help her.  She did mention this morning she will sell her camera to help pay......

So guys, yeah - there was a very clear push for me to end the marriage about 4 months ago......that then blew over, and now it seems to be there again.  But the moment I detach or I don't defend the marriage or myself, then she will come back with compliments and basically be nice.

Thanks for letting me share, all you comments above has been so helpful - pls respond and let me know your thoughts?

Online Silver

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2019, 01:08:05 AM »
Hi lmw,

Welcome, sorry you had to found us. Many similarities in our stories, sounds very stereotypical MLC, all that feeling trapped, need to improve, marriage (suddenly for whatever reason that changes from day to day) isn't working... Been there.

You had very good advice already. I would emphasize protecting your finances (I didn't well enough) and focus on your relationship with kids, as well as yourself. What would be the best life for you without her if she ever decides that to happen. And if she does, you can't prevent that, fix her, nice her to her senses, only to decide what your boundaries are as long as living with her and how long and if you will stand. This site is primary for standers obviously, but there are us that consider ourselves as 'done' too. Whatever you decide, do not stand still, that is one of the best advices I got from here. That means doing concrete things in your life to live the best you can as if she won't come back.

I have often shared this OP's line to me bc it helped me a lot (not exactly his words but the point): She either finds you again or she does not, you can't make that happen.

You obviously have already found all this yourself and seem doing emotionally great taking account the situation. True detachment can come only with time and to me it never happened as long as I lived with her. My timeline was short though.

From the point my XW started her pre MLC (saw that retrospective of course) at Jan 2015, to BD, was more than 2 years. A lot of signs about what was to come then, didn't see it coming though. Now from BD about 2 years so far. No really signs of change, she is either in deep replay or then I have been wrong all the time and she is happily engaged with OM and lives happy ever after together  :o In my case, at time of BD I could never thought I would be this ok if she left me and broke the family. She did and I am ok, most of time even good.

Just trying to point that as been said, timelines are long and there is no guarantee about the result. Still there is always hope and happy endings. I suggest you keep thinking about 'happy ending' without her atm, what would that mean to you. If you reach it together, great!

Keep posting.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2019, 01:11:17 AM »
You are not alone.  If you read my story we are almost the same - word for word and event by event.  You think everything is fine and then find out that it is not.  You worry about losing everything you have known and not seeing your kids every day.  You can't believe that it has come to this.  You can't believe that this has happened to you because you feel that although you aren't perfect you have done your best to give her what she wants.  What she wants seems to be a moving target and every time she asks you for something them some new things you have never heard of comes around.  You look at her and see the person you married 12 years ago but she is different.

Wow Skates!  Your story and mine are pretty close together.  Did I say the mail hairdresser was also in the gym - we actually became friends - he is not a bad guy and I shared the stuff with him and told him I saw the messages, which he said had stopped - I do believe him as she has since found other chat buddies, no idea what they talk about - it is apparently light topics......

I keep you in my thoughts as well and yes, I am also standing, I have nowhere else to be - but just need to get rid of my own emotional rollercoaster.......

Oh, and on valentines day I got her a few gifts for her and the kids (and the kids and I together got her something).......barely a thank you.  But my birthday was the 17th of Feb, and she basically forgot - if it was not for facebook or the family chat she would not have known.  Needless to say she did not get me anything, and I am not big on presents at all, but it hurt, I guess because I get nothing else from her.  We did go out for a nice lunch, she did have 1 glass of wine with me, she stopped drinking beginning of the year (not that she had an issue or anything, neither of us did).

I then said to her that evening of my birthday, how lonely I felt on my birthday - I was sitting alone in bed and she was chatting (or reading, she says she reads, which I know she does read a lot of self help books, just not how much is reading and how much is chatting) in the living room.  She then got up and came to bed, I said she didn't need to, but then she said "What a bad wife would I be if I didn't"  :-\ :-\
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 01:19:26 AM by lovemywife »

 

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