Author Topic: My Story MLC Wife  (Read 973 times)

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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My Story Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #10 on: March 13, 2019, 01:47:34 AM »
One other thing which I did not go into detail - was that I have always said to her that if she want's a divorce she can go and do it.....I want to make us work.  So last night with the uncoupling stuff, I started talking to her about it in a sense that if we go ahead if this, how will we make this work etc etc. kinda trying to paint the picture.  At the end I did tell her, "Just so you are 100% sure, I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS, but if that is what you need to do then so be it"

Offline Whyus

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #11 on: March 13, 2019, 02:04:36 AM »
Hey lmw, I dont have much to add but These MLC Ws sure follow script!
My Story too is very similar, Gym, new friends (all younger) etc...

I dont have much to add as the lads have basically said it all already. Just Detatch and take nothing personally. I thought that was total BS for a loooooooong time but ist true. This is not about YOU or YOUR marriage, ist all on her.
The good Thing is that she is reading the right stuff and willing to go to therapy, that is huge. You may be one of the lucky ones but still "live as though she is not coming back". and have "No expectations"

No matter what happens, do not leave the Family home. If she wants out then she has to go! If she wants a Divorce then be prepared for her to drag it out or even do nothing atall.
About you helping her with a Laptop, new Business etc. That is your decision but be careful, you may be Building the foundations for her new happy life in lalaland which may not include you.
Just a warning, helping her that way generally wont help you, we cannot "nice them back".

Protect your Heart and your finances!...  hang in there, this is hard as firetruck and thats is coming from somebody who is "done"!

I failed in my stand.

WTF ready, you failed nothing mate. You stood for as long as you could. Standing for a Minute of this $h!te is a minor achievment imho. We all have our boundaries. Your stand helped you become who you are, you moved on but your happy, that was a succesful stand id say .
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #12 on: March 13, 2019, 04:56:27 AM »
No matter what happens, do not leave the Family home. If she wants out then she has to go! If she wants a Divorce then be prepared for her to drag it out or even do nothing atall.
About you helping her with a Laptop, new Business etc. That is your decision but be careful, you may be Building the foundations for her new happy life in lalaland which may not include you.
Just a warning, helping her that way generally wont help you, we cannot "nice them back".

Thank you!  I am aware that I could be helping her build her exit plan.....but like Skates said, she also needs to have something that is her own so she feels worth something and not so dependent on me - this is stuff she has told me as well that she wants.  I tend to take it personally that she wants to get away, but I think that is the wrong mentality.  I am also generally a person that loves helping others, so I don't want to change and not help her, cause that is not in my nature.

This morning she actually sat down and took the oldish laptop and started working on her stuff and showed me for my opinion as well, so it seems like she is starting and she said she just needs to empower herself.  I will help where I can but want her to take the lead.  She made a comment and said she thinks she should just work with women (in the fitness thing) as men are full of BS anyway, but quickly added that it was only a joke......interesting is that she still wants to use her name and our surname for the website domain......I thought she would want something that does not include anything of me.

As I said, it is not all bad - but the moments the monster comes out it is a lost cause and she has said many times that she can not control her emotions and then say things she does not mean.  I think last night she got the message that I won't stand in her way if she wants to end this and that I am also getting tired of the ride.......she is involving me alot more today than before, telling me what her mom said etc etc.

The other thing is that I read the article from HB about abandonment......that was so spot on because my wife has said to me that she was always afraid of ending up alone and during the last year she told me that she is not afraid of that anymore, which is good, but still why bring that up if it does not bother you? It is as if she feels she is not good enough, she mentioned a few times why do you hang on to me if I am such a bad wife etc.  so the fact that I am standing must be very confusing for her, because anyone else would have walked out by now, but I hope me standing shows her that she is worth so much more and how much I love her.  She also told me that she wants the fairytale love......I think that has passed now.....

I would love to figure out where exactly she is in her journey - she does not tell people the whole truth, for example she told her mom all these smallish issues about our relationship, NOTHING like the stuff she told me, which threw me off.......I have also made mistakes in the process, but I guess that is to be expected with the stress and pressure.

I heard this saying - "The only thing you get to keep, is the thing you give away"
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 04:58:18 AM by lovemywife »

Online Silver

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2019, 05:18:40 AM »
lmw to me you seem to have great ability to self reflect and observe her cycling etc but that's what may easily get you on wrong track too.
I used to overanalyze everything, just couldn't help it and though there was a lot that could be seen, there was much more stuff  that happened without clear logic and got me very disappointed and confused. Seeing the stages is so much easier retrospective, would be better for you not to think about stages at all atm, though we ALL did and do that, I had a stage obsession tbh.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2019, 05:49:52 AM »
You are so correct Silver - I tend to over analyze like crazy.....I am trying to stop......  :-X :-X

W helps out with the house, but I have always been helping out more than I should have.  Started working from home when our oldest was born, so I changed nappiest and all - she did also, but I did not mind doing it either.  Even now, my parents and her own parents, told me that I did too much for her and that she is not really a good wife or mother.....now this is interesting because if she can get through MLC and get to be at peace with herself, I would love to see that mother and wife!  I think she will be awesome, but lets see when/if we get there.

She wanted to go away to her parents for a week (2 weeks ago) and said if the kids want to go along then it is fine, but when the kids asked why I am not going with, she said because she wanted alone time.  So, then she wanted to get on a bus for 24 hours with 2 kids - she could barely keep her composure with the kids in the house, but that is better now. I then discussed with the kids as well and said she wants and needs alone time, so if they really want to go then fine, but if they are okay to stay then that would be good too.  I even offered to buy her a flight ticket to cut down the trip to 2 hours, but then she needs to go alone (too expensive for kids also).  Anyway, she eventually one night said to the kids they don't need to decide anymore as she is not going......last night she said we will talk about that in therapy......I was so confused, no idea what she thinks happened because apparently she has her side of the events.  Was I wrong to discuss with the kids?


Online Silver

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2019, 06:25:59 AM »
Something like "he is always doing things I should be doing myself because I am a big girl already and want to do them my own, see how controlling person he is?"
Just guessing. I don't see you did anything wrong but maybe she takes it pressing or something that you got involved in her plans?
Maybe start being just a bit less nice and helpful and give him more 'space' as that's what they THINK they lack.. even they don't.

Edit: btw MC may be good or may not. I was warned about it as XW suggested going at very beginning of replay. People here kept saying she probably tries to find justification to go and to get to say that she 'tried her everything' for our M. My reply to her was that I'm ok to join her at MC if we both can bring up anything we want to, totally honest and without having to fear the subjects. She didn't seem to want to go anymore after that, just asked what I want to talk about there...

There are risks in MC in MLC, people with more experience here may open it better to you.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 06:29:44 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2019, 06:28:28 AM »
Hi lovemywife,

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I have to say you sound pretty good.
No in my opinion there is nothing wrong with discussing certain things with your children, as long as you are taking no blame and not demonizing your wife.  Kids usually sense when something is not right.

You are giving her space and treating her kindly.  Nothing ever works, or changes, if there is a lot of anger and arguing going on.   Sounds like neither of you are doing that, so great.

Your wife sounds like a Low Energy Wallower.  Sometimes their crisis seems milder because they don't run around and party, their not Monsters, but inside it is still a crisis.  A lot of what they do and think are more fantasy based.  Some never do find a real alienator.

I like what you told her, that you will not stop her if she wants a divorce, but be sure to add you will also do nothing to help her get a divorce.  That she will need to do it on her own, all of it.  The only thing you will do is protect yourself, if she files.  (Which means you would get your own lawyer and she would have to get her own lawyer, which you will not pay for).

I'm also glad to hear you are not moving out.  That is something she would need to do.

What this is, is tough love.  You won't stand in her way, but she has to figure things out by herself.
It stops a lot of them, or slows them down, when they see they have to do all this on their own, without your help, financially or any other way.
   
I hope it never gets to that point, it may not, but if it does remember this is HER divorce not yours.  It is not a mutual decision.

I like that she does have clarity sometimes and at least realizes she is hurting you, and that you are a good father.   I think that's pretty good.  :)

Just keep doing what you're doing.  But keep in mind, you can be friendly and polite with these MLCer's but you can not "nice" them out of this.  So no bending over backwards for her, it will not help.

Like with gift giving, mirror what she does.  If she buys you something, say for your birthday, then you can too.  If she doesn't than you don't either.
It's just mirroring her actions and it won't be seen as pursuing, or ignoring.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2019, 06:30:53 AM »
There are risks in MC in MLC, people with more experience here may open it better to you.
Like Thunder here?  ;)

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2019, 06:45:10 AM »
Thanks Thunder!  Appreciate it!

We do fight less, because I THINK I have learnt to keep quiet and not react.  One of her issues was/is that I don't know when to stop (when we argue) and then she is just raging mad.  But I NEVER ever go in to fight with her, I only ever wanted to find out what do we do to get better - yes, I now understand that not even she knows, which is why she also tells me that I want answer that she does not have.

Anyway - she used to say, "we can't carry on like this and fight every day" - so with the last fight, about 2 almost 3 weeks ago, she said (and we didn't have a fight for 3 weeks before that also) "We can't be having fights every month!" - I thought that was some progress!  ;D ;D

It is very clear that when I become distant that she then comes towards me - that other night (4 days ago) when I was asleep and she got in to bed and just moved closer until I had to take her in my arms and hold her and she started crying - I literally woke up the next morning, wondering if it was a dream - she was not in a great mood the morning either, so I still wonder whether it was a dream or not  ::) ::)

I am happy that I started working on myself - I really got into the Law of Vibration - I thought, "Hell, why not use this opportunity to see if I can manifest some stuff!"  It helps to raise your level of vibration, you just feel more positive - but W has the skill to knock my vibrations down to nothing, but I am getting good and getting over it quickly.
« Last Edit: March 13, 2019, 06:57:39 AM by lovemywife »

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2019, 06:48:28 AM »
There are risks in MC in MLC, people with more experience here may open it better to you.
Like Thunder here?  ;)

I hear you - interesting the therapist we got recommended was one of the books she got to read, she was not impressed with it as he was really knocking her behavior in the first chapter.....I said she must guide me in whether we go and see him - so I will leave it with her to take it further.

 

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