Author Topic: My Story MLC Wife  (Read 977 times)

Offline Silver

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My Story Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #40 on: March 15, 2019, 04:26:49 AM »
I agree, if having little horns on forehead for a while it could be seen as MLC teenager planning her move out to live on her own as big girls and boys do.

Sorry don't want to speak disrespectfully about her but there just are so much common between teens and MLCers. You (us) are the ones to rebel against (moms and dads) and the life they have and have chosen trough their own free will is the one they are suddenly 'trapped in'. I am sorry to say but it feels to me too that she may hurry to MC just to make things happen and have justification for her obviously bad choices. I so hope I am wrong of course. Sounds very good that you have peace with whatever she decides to do.

What makes it so twisted is that the person you trusted on suddenly becomes one you can't never say what she is planning about and what are her (or his) goals, or whether they speak truth or not. Probably bc they fool themselves as well imo in their denial or whatever fog it is.

Still, we all may be very wrong here, let's hope we are in your case, just remember to protect you heart and don't try to nice/help her out of it by doing things aren't good for YOU (like putting money to her escape plan).



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #41 on: March 15, 2019, 04:31:15 AM »
Trouble is the counselors don't know you two so all they can go by is what she tells him/her.
That's why sometimes counseling is not the right thing, it can even be damaging.
It can be very helpful when they come out of their crisis to settle things in the head, but now what's in her head in not pro-marriage.

If you do end up going, maybe you could make it clear to the counselor, right from the start, you are doing this to help your marriage, not end it.  You are not looking for a divorce.

lovemywife, it's perfectly ok to take a stand on some things.  Whether it be about the apartment, or counseling.  It shows strength.  You can lead too.

Something like:

"I don't feel getting an apartment, for times to escape, will be helpful for our marriage."
Or "I will go to counseling, but ONLY if we are going to work on the marriage.  Is that why you want to go?"

I was thinking of doing that - I want the counselor to know that I have no interest in ending the marriage. W's answer to why she wants to go the marriage counseling is to find out if we have a chance still.......she said she does not think we do.

There are quite a few things working against W - the house we live in is her parents and they are coming to stay here (it is a big house with rooms outside) when they retire in a few months.  The agreement is that we (me because I have the income) then assist with paying off the mortgage.......I think W is worried that her parents will see her behavior (they already seen some).  But I feel for her, as she really as no where to escape to, but I am trying to back off as much as possible so she can get a sense of that.  Thinking of it, no idea why she never decided to move into one of the spare outside rooms........it has always been there.

It seems like she is really at 2 extremes - 1 is to re-commit to the marriage and the other is to get out, but get out is very tricky due to no income, and above points I raised.  What really gets me though is how she can make plans for us (like saying we should buy that car when her parents move here etc.) and then read a book about uncoupling...... :-\ :-\

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #42 on: March 15, 2019, 04:37:10 AM »
I agree, if having little horns on forehead for a while it could be seen as MLC teenager planning her move out to live on her own as big girls and boys do.

Sorry don't want to speak disrespectfully about her but there just are so much common between teens and MLCers. You (us) are the ones to rebel against (moms and dads) and the life they have and have chosen trough their own free will is the one they are suddenly 'trapped in'. I am sorry to say but it feels to me too that she may hurry to MC just to make things happen and have justification for her obviously bad choices. I so hope I am wrong of course. Sounds very good that you have peace with whatever she decides to do.

What makes it so twisted is that the person you trusted on suddenly becomes one you can't never say what she is planning about and what are her (or his) goals, or whether they speak truth or not. Probably bc they fool themselves as well imo in their denial or whatever fog it is.

Still, we all may be very wrong here, let's hope we are in your case, just remember to protect you heart and don't try to nice/help her out of it by doing things aren't good for YOU (like putting money to her escape plan).

Thank you Silver!  You always destroy my positive expectations  ;D ;D Only joking, I know I should not expect anything at this stage.  Actions baby, that is what we looking for.......

I do think that a mountain of fears/decisions is coming down on her, see my previous post re her parents - and she is being pushed to make those calls.  I honestly think that she sometimes see through the fog based on what she says, but then it changes again.  She is far more depressed, staring out of windows, almost not answering me that ever......definitely thinking a lot.

Question I have - BB said, they will start to recommit to animals first, then kids, then jobs and lastly to the marriage.  She has done the first 3 it seems (and last night said if this new venture does not work then she is done and will become a housewife) - but are you guys aware of any correlation in terms of recommitting, eg: if they recommit to kids and job does that mean there is a better chance for them to recommit to the marriage as well, as in they accept their live as it was (I know it will be different, but they accept the elements that make up their live)?
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 04:39:56 AM by lovemywife »

Online Whyus

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #43 on: March 15, 2019, 05:01:05 AM »

Question I have - BB said, they will start to recommit to animals first, then kids, then jobs and lastly to the marriage. 

that seems to be the script but all are different of Course. Think about it, its easier to reconnect to the pets and Kids than the spouse. We are obviously last to know, as always.
Stay strong and have no expectations.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #44 on: March 15, 2019, 05:03:55 AM »

Thank you Silver!  You always destroy my positive expectations  ;D ;D Only joking, I know I should not expect anything at this stage.  Actions baby, that is what we looking for.......


I am sorry buddy  ;D Maybe I shouldn't say this then.. About her plans together, sorry but you can't take them very seriously if  you ask me (you probably won't anymore  ;D). My XW planned with me selling the house and buying the new one for our family, 5 months before she divorced from me. I was taking her plans as a very good sign, felt relieved... Once again I hope your's is different and she just may be! Have hopes at 100 and expectations at 0.

I was thinking if her parents moving in is some kind of issue to her, I mean psychologically too, do you think? Does she feel pressured about some how apart from the fact she doesn't want them to see her crisis?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #45 on: March 15, 2019, 05:12:16 AM »
She's only been in this for a little more than a year.

Unless she is not in a MLC and is in a MLT (midlife transition) I wouldn't expect any kind of reconnection for quite awhile.  Way too early.  I'm sorry.
what you see may just be her cycling.  Some days are good, some days are bad.

I guess if she says she wants to see if the marriage can be saved but she doubts it, to me says it's not even worth going.
Marriage counseling should be to work on your issues and fix the marriage.
It just doesn't sound like that is on her agenda at the moment.

Oh boy, I don't know.  I guess I go along with Silver, just make sure any decisions you make are not to help finance her escape.  That has to be on her and only her.  This is not what you want.
If she truly wants to leave she will need to figure out how she is going to do that, because you're not leaving the house or your kids.

Like I said, none of this is easy but you do need to protect yourself.
Sad isn't it?  You need to protect yourself from your own spouse. But she is not in any kind of rational mind.  These MLCer's are really not themselves anymore.

That's why we try to tell the LBS's sometimes you need to take off your emotional hat and put on your business hat.  Do what is best for you and your kids.  She'll be doing what is best for her, believe me.

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #46 on: March 15, 2019, 05:25:41 AM »
Please take advice my friend. It may seem harsh. Even busting your happy bubble.  BUT!!!!! IT'S ALL FOR YOUR SAFETY!!!
My W did alot of false comebacks. CYCLING it is.  I got advice my E may have been MLT.  Lord I wish it would have been. But some just keep checking anchor more often. From my experience, don't change my friend. Keep doing your thing. Thunder, Whyus, and Silver are some of the best advice. They may  seem blunt. They may seem to bust your bubble, but they are just looking out for you.
Actions for 6 months or more, until then??? Don't change. JMO.

Online Treasur

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2019, 05:42:52 AM »
I'm a bit of a bubble buster too, I'm afraid.
Don't push MC at all...in fact I wouldn't even mention it. If she does, just do a bland 'whatever you think best' kind of response. Right now she is one foot out and it is unlikely to help you as Thunder says.  If she does organise it and you go, say little, listen and have clear boundaries on whether it is useful to you or not and how much one-sided blame you will listen to.

Side issue but maybe an important one...the parents moving in thing? Have you taken legal advice on where you would stand if you pay off on their house...and then your w decides she wants a divorce and she stays in the house? Sounds like you would be very exposed there. Worth getting some objective advice and you might need to tell her parents that the original plan needs to go on hold or be adapted or have a legal document drawn up. The awful thing about this situation is that they look like our spouse but unfortunately they can do things that we simply never imagined they would, be tremendously unfair and usually their family will back them up bc blood is blood.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 05:44:12 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #48 on: March 15, 2019, 06:03:13 AM »
Very good point, Treasur.

It's just protecting yourself.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online lovemywifeTopic starter

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Re: MLC Wife
« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2019, 06:17:40 AM »

Thank you Silver!  You always destroy my positive expectations  ;D ;D Only joking, I know I should not expect anything at this stage.  Actions baby, that is what we looking for.......


I am sorry buddy  ;D Maybe I shouldn't say this then.. About her plans together, sorry but you can't take them very seriously if  you ask me (you probably won't anymore  ;D). My XW planned with me selling the house and buying the new one for our family, 5 months before she divorced from me. I was taking her plans as a very good sign, felt relieved... Once again I hope your's is different and she just may be! Have hopes at 100 and expectations at 0.

I was thinking if her parents moving in is some kind of issue to her, I mean psychologically too, do you think? Does she feel pressured about some how apart from the fact she doesn't want them to see her crisis?

Thanks Whyus! 

Silver - it has always been her dream to have all her family living together, now it is happening and I get the feeling she is not happy about the timing - I'm guessing that is because she won't be able to hide her actions.  I have spoken with the in laws and they backed me, but I am not sure for how long.  They said that if she wants to end things then she needs to move......I stay here with the kids.......but we will see if it gets to that....

 

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