Author Topic: My Story Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode  (Read 416 times)

Offline Milly

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My Story Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2019, 12:11:39 AM »
Joining your thread, Ever. You seem to be doing amazingly well. I can imagine that having a live in is very stressful, especially since you don't know how he's going to be on a daily basis. I would say keep light and breezy, validate as you are doing, and set boundaries if needed.

Your H is unusual in that he is acknowledging there's something wrong with him. This might help. You, in the mean time, can work on yourself. What I mean by that is not that you need 'correcting,' but that we usually sacrifice parts of ourselves when we are in a long marriage. Our spouses don't ask us to do that, we sort of make that decision ourselves for whatever reason. See if the girl you were when you met your H is still alive in you. I mean her interests, her hopes, see if you can get some of that back. Most of us find we gave up stuff we liked to do because there was not enough time or not enough money.

If you concentrate on you, it will stop you from focusing solely on him and his antics.



Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline EvertryingTopic starter

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #11 on: March 15, 2019, 10:26:58 AM »
Things have been awful. He is leaving today on a weekend soul searching trip at a campground with his "adoptive parent's" He's been an absolute monster the past two days to the point where I am glad he's leaving.
So this morning he tells me he is "leaning towards divorce". Then while we were in the shower, he tells me to please not make any plans for dinner on Sunday because he want's to take me out. Then calls me when I am work and emails me the spreadsheet we created with all our financial stuff on it all broken out of who gets what and again tells me he's doubtful his mind will change and we are done. He said there is too much hurt and anger between us. He tells me he loves me but,,,,,,,,
I asked him why the dinner reservation and said "In case there was a change in his heart".
He said this trip is to really look deep in himself, but I know it's over. I can feel it in my heart.  :'(
The man I married is dead. I don't know the man he is now.
Me: 56
MLC: 49
No Kids
BD - 9/1/2017
Living at the home, but I think Divorcing

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #12 on: March 15, 2019, 10:56:11 AM »
HUGS. Start setting boundaries and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Being in limbo WITH them is even worse than watching it happen. Lean on friends and family and get good input from as many sane people as possible right now. Again, hugs. Know we have all been there, and you will not feel this pain forever.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online Treasur

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2019, 11:07:41 AM »
I am so sorry.
Please look after yourself right now as if you are in emergency care. Give yourself a weekend free from the nasty insane monster stuff. Breathe. Maybe try to limit any contact with him at all. You can charmingly say that you are respecting his wish for a little space for himself    ::)

And remember just because HE wants to go to dinner doesn't mean you have to say yes.
Your h sounds pretty controlling, as if only he gets a vote and you will just suck it up. Which is common of course. Now may be the time to start adjusting your thinking to do nothing unless it is in YOUR best interests and start accepting that right now your h no longer cares about anyone but himself. Boundaries and saying little may not save your marriage, but it will save your sanity,myself respect and probably protect you practically.

And you may need to think about getting L advice as soon as you can if you have not done so already.
But I am so sorry that this is what you have to deal with.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 11:09:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2019, 11:14:44 AM »
Hello,

First of all, I am sorry you are here, but there are amazing people on this site. This will be hard to do, but regardless of his weekend, his back and forth, there is nothing you did, or you can do to snap him out of this. This is his issue and while he may project on you, blame you and try to gaslight your entire relationship with him, it is all on him.

So if he stays or leaves, great. His choice. If he takes you to dinner, great. If he doesn't great. Have no expectations because he is bouncing off the walls and his emotions and pain are driving him- not rational thought.

The important thing is to take care of yourself. Eat right and protect your finances. MLCers can run up dept and empty accounts quickly. A weekend to figure things out can quickly become a night at the casino, a quick stop at the Mercedes dealer, and the list goes on and on.

Quote
The man I married is dead. I don't know the man he is now.

Yes, mourn the loss, but don't become attached to this new man until you have detached fully from the man that is gone. Don't have relationship talks with him. If he claims you are the root of all evil in the world today. Your response is, "I am sorry you feel that way." Nothing else. Don't justify, defend, or attack him at this time.

Be prepared to set boundaries. If he wants to monster and yell at you, "I am sorry you feel that way, but I will not allow you or anyone else to talk to me like that. When you are ready to speak to me in an appropriate tone and use appropriate language, I will be ready to listen."

No one needs to be abused.

This is a long journey and you have time to focus on you for a while. Post some more information about you and your H. Howl long have you been together. Children and some background information to help us be your guides.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline EvertryingTopic starter

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2019, 11:23:40 AM »
We have already come to an agreement about the finances and our assets. That part wasn't hard at all. We will both be walking away without fighting about that stuff.
Since he's been in MLC he's been a controlling idiot. He said that our entire marriage I was always the one in control and now HE is taking control of his own life. He has turned into Darth Vader and told him that today. He's hideous.
I don't know this man. Things he says and does make zero sense to me. I have to look at him twice and make him repeat himself because what comes out of his mouth is ridiculous. He went from one side of the spectrum to the other from being loving, caring, devoted etc to a complete selfish, controlling and manipulative monster.
This man? I do not love. I kept hoping and praying that a sliver of who he used to be would still be in there. I couldn't be more wrong.

« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 11:27:22 AM by Evertrying »
Me: 56
MLC: 49
No Kids
BD - 9/1/2017
Living at the home, but I think Divorcing

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2019, 11:56:24 AM »
Hi Ever,

I've merged your two threads.. Do the mods a favor and stay on one thread until you hit 150 posts before starting a new one. Don't worry, if you run over 150, one of the mods will nag you about it.

Thanks, UM
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2019, 08:51:06 PM »
Hi Ever,

I'm sorry this has been such a rough day for you.  The back and forth is so exhausting.  My BD was 9/14/17 so we've been in this nightmare for just about the same length of time.  I've been where you are so many times.  So many times I was sure it was over and then somehow things would change on a dime. My H filed for divorce and had me served.  I was SURE that was the end and that's when I completely detached.  We stayed in minimal contact for a few months and then he came back wanting to work things out.  I guess I'm just trying to say is that you have to keep in mind that things can cycle really quickly from one extreme to the other. 

Hopefully you can relax and enjoy this weekend a little bit.  I know it's easier said than done in the middle of all of this, but try to hang in there!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline EvertryingTopic starter

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2019, 03:08:19 PM »
Not sure what to think about this, but he texted me last night from his campsite. I was SURE there would be NO contact until he returned on Sunday. Nothing too juicy, just that he finally got a signal and that he arrived safely. He sent a picture of the sun setting over the ocean and said "sorry for the delay". And a couple more photos of his campsite and the people he went with. The last thing he said to over the phone Friday was "I am sure you don't want to hear from me so I will see you Sunday".
I simply responded to the text with "The sunset is pretty" and "you should have nice weather". I left it at that.
I know he is off the grid as there have been no phone calls or other texts since he left.
I hope he is getting his head straight. I am sure the divorce is coming, but at least he will have made a decision and we can move on.
Meanwhile, I am home busting my butt to get this house ready to sell. Since we have to stay in it together until then I want it sold ASAP.
Tomorrow is going to be awful.
Me: 56
MLC: 49
No Kids
BD - 9/1/2017
Living at the home, but I think Divorcing

Offline EvertryingTopic starter

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Re: Husband of 25 yrs is in crisis mode
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2019, 08:26:07 AM »
UPDATE:
He texted me yesterday and told me he was on his way home. When he got there, he was an absolute jerk. Why do they act so selfish, so entitled and so mean?
He said he did "a lot of soul searching" (GAG) and that while "He hasn't made up his mind and is still evaluating" he doesn't think we can recover from the hurt and pain and salvage the marriage. Yet his butt is still in the house and sleeping in our bed. He thought I was going to throw him out when he got home. I personally think that's what he wants. He is a coward and won't move out, but if kick him out then he's the poor kicked out husband.
He's mad at EVERYONE. Me, his mother, his father, the world. He has the "Everyone has dumped on me my whole life so now I am going to be a jerk and hate everything". He still wants to hug and kiss me and I have no idea why. I asked him if he thinks we can't salvage the marriage, then what are you still doing here? He said because then it's final and over and he's still not sure. Why do they do this?
I told him I am just going to detach and leave him alone. I was polite to him this morning but limited conversation and when he tried to make light a situation while we were getting ready for work, I just ignored him.
Before he left he kissed me and said "Thank you". Not sure what that was for so I didn't acknowledge it.
Detaching is so hard when they still live in the house. Does anyone have any advice for me?
I cannot believe the emotional abuse they cause without even batting an eye.
Me: 56
MLC: 49
No Kids
BD - 9/1/2017
Living at the home, but I think Divorcing

 

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