Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 10  (Read 507 times)

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2019
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2019, 12:29:45 PM »
Following along Morte

Offline islandgirl68

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 420
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2019, 01:59:18 PM »
If we were unmarried women at the ripe old age of 23-26 we would be spinsters... after that Thornbacks.  (BTW thanks Twitter for that golden nugget 8)). I guess being married and all... Matron are we. Elderly in our 30s ;D

xxx following along Matron Morte xxx
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 02:03:26 PM by islandgirl68 »
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline PJ Ames

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 200
  • Gender: Male
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2019, 11:14:37 PM »
Along for the ride. Love your sense of humor.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1707
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #13 on: March 15, 2019, 03:44:50 AM »
So generally after any heart to heart, emotional, or in depth talks....it is never really spoken about until perhaps the next talk.

He has never wanted to acknowledge these moments happen. It makes him uncomfortable to know that he shares these deep feelings with me (even when married). He tends to feel ashamed or weak. Like some how he shouldn't share this stuff with anyone.

So imagine my surprise when yesterday he was texting about going to his dentist, and then he said ''Long term thinking. Interesting concept'' and I said ''Random thought of the day?'' and he said ''No you said it yesterday'' and I said ''I know, But I am surprised it stuck!'' then he said ''It's like a bit of gum in my shoe''

Now first of all I am surprised he even was paying attention to what I said. For a while there everything I said got misconstrued and turned into some huge negative. Literally every word out of my mouth was me somehow insulting him.  ??? ::)

But during our talk on Wed I was saying how I have long term thinking. The ability to know that no matter how $h!te things are right now, I know what I want in the future, so I just keep taking steps toward it...and in the end things will work out. I then went on to say how he has always been an  ''in this moment'' thinker. He decides what he wants today, tomorrow, or this week...and just does it...without thinking about the consequences in the future. And it always seemed to balance each other. He helped me live in the moment and have fun without worrying about the consequences all the time, and I had the steady head to keep us progressing through life. We succeeded as much as we have from the combination of the two...a team in all respects.

Anyway I figured he had drowned it all out. But clearly he didn't. Something about that part of the discussion has stuck with him like a 'bit of gum on his shoe'.

It is so strange to actually hear acknowledgement from him, that he is thinking about the things we talk about. Particularly after months of feeling ignored, and unheard, and avoided. To see HIM coming to ME for advice, and to talk about all these dark things within himself. Of all the people in his life, and in his world, it is me he still feels emotionally safest with.

I really get the feeling moments like these are what make the MLC/LBS journey. I think most people at my current stage would be to broken, upset, hurt, shocked, disgusted to hear anything out of his mouth. After all he is in an active affair with a girl over a decade younger, he barely sees his kids, he is emotionally unstable....on paper he is everything I would avoid. But there is a history and a deep bonding there that makes it more than that.

I think at this stage it is entirely up to the LBS on how they handle the situation, and what the ultimate outcome will be. I think my instinct from being wounded and hurt is to call him out on all his $h!te, to slam the door in his face, to be an ''I told you so you idiot''. To jump up and down screaming ''Stop being a douchebag and come home to your family''. I imagine lots of LBS do that, and then the MLCer will run off, they won't feel safe coming to you. They don't need to hear what they already know deep down. They don't need to look at you, feeling guilt and shame...then be judged on top of it.

So I think moments like this are what they talk about 'paving the way' and 'being a safe harbour' and such. It isn't about constantly being nice to them, or constantly being the bigger person, or always being a perfect angel while they stomp all over you. I think 'paving the way' is swallowing your own ego and pride, knowing the pain that has been caused to you, but letting it go and trying to help just as you would have before. Like you would for any friend. Without judgement or I told you so, or waaaa waaaa poor me.

And it is hard. It is bloody hard!

I don't know. I am not an expert. I am just going off what I read all over the forums, books, articles, x, y, z of research I have done..and my experience with a nuttier than a snickers bar MLCer. Whatever that is good for.  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 7632
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone, you aren't a pizza
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2019, 03:58:23 AM »
^^^^
THIS!




Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6367
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2019, 04:01:30 AM »
I think it is about the circumstances and the cost to the LBS.
You can't act like a friend if someone is threatening your life or waging legal war against you or screaming monster spew of course. Your safety and your kids come first.

But if circumstances provide some calm waters and you are emotionally detached enough to not rush to fix or take it too personally - in a sense to see it like a window into their ramblings in their own head - then great. Most of us would want to do that; years of love and friendship don't just disappear, maybe even for them actually. We may not know the MLC version but we knew the preMLC version intimately, flaws and all. It was one of the shocking things for me that the h who used to chat with me about all kinds of things for so many years, and vice versa, suddenly simply didn't want to talk to me at all. Apparently in my circs ever again! I guess there is a benefit to talking to new people who didn't know you before....although I suspect many don't talk much at all actually...but there are things that only someone who has known you well for a long time might 'get' I suspect so there is a cost to the MLCer eventually if they have completely cut that off isn't there?

I honestly thought for a long time that my h would eventually need to talk to me.

Funnily enough as I am slowly recovering my own emotional health and no longer want any contact (or anything really) from my xh, I could probably listen now in a way I couldn't when I was flailing around for answers. Actually it would be easier to listen bc I would no longer trust him enough to share any of my important thoughts or feelings. However, my xh made his choices so he will have to talk to his new wife,his psychiatrist or himself I guess  ::) Or random strangers in the street  ::)

You are doing just fine, Morte...Beast is stewing...no idea where that will take him of course. It does sound as if he is still confused but the big difference is that he no longer sounds as if he is blaming YOU for his confusion. Maybe that's the change? .

How is the great romantic fiction challenge going? I truly hope he doesn't want you to be a proof reader though! (Although Miss Skittles may not have the skills!)
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 04:07:24 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Tyks

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1698
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2019, 04:10:43 AM »
I am actually grateful for MLC in many ways. I am.no longer a fixer of other people's crap and it feels great. I live for myself which I always thought was selfish but I think there is a fine line for selfish and fixer. It took almost three years of work to get that under control and I still slip somerimes.  I always thought that I had to be that fixer and chase after everyone for their love and support as well, and make sure they were happy and their needs were being met, which is not true at all. Real people should love you for you and not what you do for them.

I am.not.going to hijack and post everything I have learned but this kinda goes with what you said about what you used to do.

Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6367
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2019, 04:14:30 AM »
Amen to that, Tyks  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2784
  • Gender: Male
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2019, 04:29:12 AM »
Following along of Course........
so true about talking and listening (if it doesnt harm the LBS). I too have had quality conversations with XW. Its normally the case when we meet which isnt very often. The first few minutes are awkward but we both chill out quite quickly and then we just Chat as we used to (no R talks though of Course).
We feel safe tagether but no more, it is weird but your doing well Morte  :)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3230
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2019, 10:39:13 AM »
Hello,

Quote
I think 'paving the way' is swallowing your own ego and pride, knowing the pain that has been caused to you, but letting it go and trying to help just as you would have before. Like you would for any friend.


It is letting go of the anger and bitterness so that you can heal. Then you become a source of positive energy that attracts others. Your journey is to reclaim yourself.

Quote
I am actually grateful for MLC in many ways. I am.no longer a fixer of other people's crap and it feels great.

This is a solid point. Sometimes focusing on other people's issues and problems enables us to avoid looking at ourselves and the work we need to do.

Quote
He decides what he wants today, tomorrow, or this week...and just does it...without thinking about the consequences in the future.

This is where I truly feel sorry for your H. You have three young children and the one thing he doesn't realize is they won't be young forever. Two is just one year, and its gone forever, the first walk, the first words, the first day at school, the first bike ride, come and go in a flash.

He's missing out on all those great memories and moments, all because he can't face reality. From my perspective, somewhere, somehow, your H became dissatisfied with life. That somehow he missed his moment and that there should be more to life, than three kids and a good wife.

For better or worse, he's trying to hit the reset button and start over. In time, that will lose its appeal and he will only be more miserable and unhappy. Not only will he be older, he will realize his own kids are older and he missed a major chapter in their lives.

And that is an awful, terrible feeling when it hits him down the road.

Quote
I think most people at my current stage would be to broken, upset, hurt, shocked, disgusted to hear anything out of his mouth.

Most are and based upon his actions, they have every right to be. Many MLCers don't even try to come back out of the guilt and remorse they feel. They feel as if they don't deserve a second chance. Other's don't try out of pride and despite MLC, despite being by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future, they can never admit they are wrong.

Some don't want to come back if they know the LBSer is going to extract their pound of flesh and constantly remind them of their actions.

But you and I can't predict their actions because it is their journey and you can only steer your ship.

Quote
Anyway I figured he had drowned it all out. But clearly he didn't. Something about that part of the discussion has stuck with him like a 'bit of gum on his shoe'.

It is so strange to actually hear acknowledgement from him, that he is thinking about the things we talk about.

However, I do commend your conversations with him as you are not telling him what to do but your are influencing his thoughts.

There is an incredible book "Forgiveness is a choice" by Robert Enright. It talks about the steps to forgive and heal. You don't forgive your H for him, you forgive your H for you. It won't happen overnight and your h still is on his journey.

Your conversations have lit a candle for him and while he goes back and forth. You are moving forward and enjoying your "average life".

Keep going strong, love your babies, and most of all love yourself.


(((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk