Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 10  (Read 791 times)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6437
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2019, 10:52:27 AM »
Imho I think we LBS can push ourselves a bit hard on the forgiveness thing.
I believe we can accept and not be angry or vengeful....but forgiving is a whole other level. Especially with someone who has shown no remorse or acknowledgement of the damage their actions caused. And not good to push for necessarily while we are still traumatised or dealing with a monster.
Sometimes maybe non angry acceptance is enough?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3239
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2019, 11:27:35 AM »
Hello,

Quote
but forgiving is a whole other level. Especially with someone who has shown no remorse or acknowledgement of the damage their actions caused.

Excellent point and I am so glad that you brought it up. The major point of the book is that forgiveness is not absolution. In the book, forgiveness is letting go of the anger and bitterness that the other person inflicted on you. No longer will this person affect me. You can forgive those that are not even sorry or show any remorse. It is the ultimate act of truly letting go.

A lot of people commit sin thinking if the ask GOD for forgiveness, all will be forgotten. GOD does forgive, but that still does not prevent someone for facing the consequences of their actions.

Her H will still have to live and deal with the consequences of the actions he has caused. One way of the other. Mortesbride won't be impacted one way or the other because she has liberated herself from the situation.

Just my opinion and a great topic,

(((((Ready))))

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15676
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #22 on: March 15, 2019, 12:54:55 PM »
Beast is still lost, but seems to be reconnecting. Or, at least, he is being/wanting to be in touch.

A MLCers only being able to live in the now is like a day of a time/no expectations for the LBS. Meditation also teach us to live in the present. I have been finding it very useful for years.

For me forgiving was easy. I don't have a returning MLCer with whom I am going to have to live. With a returning MLC forgivess may be far more difficult.

As for listening to the MLCer. My experience with Mr J is different than most. I listened to him a lot early on. He talked a lot since he left and would still be talking if I hadn't cut him off. He was also nasty, abusive and leading a life with someone else. Would I listen to him now? No. Things have changed, I have changed. I may read it. May.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1729
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2019, 05:14:22 AM »
While making breakfast for this kids this morning I had a strange thought pattern that makes a lot of sense...no where else to share it so here goes.

Beast used to never like to eat other people's cooking or watch them eat. He didn't like his mom's cooking, complained and had anxiety over restaurants, wouldn't eat home made goods from baking stalls...You get the drift.

During our marriage this was never the case with the things that I made. Sure he might complain about the type of bread I bought or ''oh chicken again'' type comments, but he always ate his dinners, never left them...never complained about the way I ate. It was like I was the exception. If I made it, it was safe.

Until BD. At BD he was to scared to eat a sandwich I made because I might have poisoned it.  :o For a while, even if we bought him a box of sweets for his Bday or something, they remained unopened as if he thought somehow I got inside the package to lace it with arsenic.  ::)

Roll on to Christmas period and he was happy for me to offer him something, and he would hesitate and you could see the mental battle inside himself....and then he would eat it anyway. Sorta like when I used to watch him battle with his OCD.

Roll on to this last Christmas (a year and a bit after BD) and not only was he expecting me to make Xmas dinner, he was shocked and disappointed when it was his mom who ended up making it. Then a few months later he was gardening so I offered him dinner with us spur of the moment. And dare I say he was almost excited?

Then a few weeks later (last week) I offered him dinner in advance for reasons previously mentioned. I was interested to see if he would back out at the last minute. He did not. He did not hesitate, he ate every single bite, and told me how tasty and amazing it was with what seemed like genuine appreciation. Rare from him particularly to food.

We had talked about why didn't anyone else make him dinners (heavily implying MIL or OW) and he looked uncomfortable at the thought, and said ''Hell No. I do all he cooking''. At the time I interpreted this to mean that I guess she doesn't cook. But perhaps it is more he doesn't allow her to. Perhaps he does not trust her to get the list of things he can't eat right, without poisoning him in a manner of speaking. All it takes is a bit of onion to send him into pain for days.... :o

Anyway it is a strange thought process but another avenue that indirectly shows that even after everything, he still seems to trust me with the things HE deems most important. His deep darkie emotions, advice for how to handle his family, his children, and his food.

Interesting.

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline MortesbrideTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1729
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2019, 06:08:00 AM »
BIL stayed over for pizza and movies with the kids, then after they went to bed we had a good long chat.

Talked a lot about what he is been feeling, how he feels ignored by MIL....history repeating itself.

His need to escape the house and get away, leading him to party and drink and now miss school. Sigh.

I really hate it when I am right some times.  :-\

He said he has no one to talk to, and it was like a tidal wave came out of him. I think he genuinely appreciated talking to me, and felt better afterwards.

Of course the conversation lead to parts about Beast. Most things confirmed things I had guessed.

But apparently he has been telling BIL at least fairly recently that I am still ''taking all his money''. I confirmed that has not been the case in the slightest since last June, that all he has paid me is X amount in child maintenance... which realistically wouldn't even cover our groceries for three kids.

The only real things of note were apparently he has over heard them talking about wanting to buy a place instead of rent. That should be interesting. How you going to explain already having a mortgage with your wife and wanting one with your girlfriend?  ::)

Perhaps he will do like that car, make her get the mortgage in her name, and offer to pay her...but realistically all the debt would be on her if things crash and burn.

I will not say anything about it, and just watch and see what happens.

On the flip side he said ''Beast is a completely different person while she is in. Then she leaves and I can just say 'hi' and he flips out at me''. I said ''So he is never moody at all when she is around?'' and BIL said ''No he is fake nice him''.

I guess the nice guy fakery is exhausting. And BIL basically confirmed that they must have had a break or something last week because she wasn't around like normal.

Anyway nothing else really crazy or out there. Much of what I guessed here to be fair.

Today MIL suddenly texting me asking me and the kids to come to dinner with her next week. I haven't really spoken to or heard from her since the last dinner out. Very odd.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15676
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #25 on: March 17, 2019, 08:51:24 AM »
The only real things of note were apparently he has over heard them talking about wanting to buy a place instead of rent. That should be interesting. How you going to explain already having a mortgage with your wife and wanting one with your girlfriend?  ::)

Who knows. Mr J thought I could get married again even if I was still legally married to him.  ::) MLCers thinking is a mess.

If OW asks for the loan on her own and things crash and burn, well, it was her choice.

Beast may be like many MLCers. Mr/Mrs Nice when around OW/OM and MLC friends, real MLC person when around the LBS, relatives or old friends. Some MLCers even manage to be nice around relatives and old friends.

Which tells me they unload on us on purpose. After all, they can be nice and hide their other side from everyone else. They have selective manners depending of person. That requires thinking/knowing what they are doing. It is the same with abusers. Often people do not believe a man is an abuser because he is a nice, amazing man to everyone. But wife and kids.

Lundy Bancrofts' Why Does He Do That explains abusers abuse mostly because of how they think/their view of the abused. It is the same with MLCers, it has to do with what they think of us/how they see us. We are not worthy, they can treat us as they please/do to us whatever they want.

They see OW/OM differently. Same for MLC friends, etc.
« Last Edit: March 17, 2019, 08:54:23 AM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6437
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #26 on: March 17, 2019, 10:12:50 AM »
I think that's true. They convert the LBS into an object of hatred or a barrier to their happy or something that represents their failure, I think. And perhaps too for a while they take advantage of our (understandable) love, trust, shock and confusion bc they can. And then usually get pretty angry and up the control games when we start responding differently.

Just another reason really why nothing the LBS does makes any difference at all to their behaviour or feelings. I honestly believe they convert us from a human to an object, a chair as Acorn said on her thread. And some never reappear to see that we are a real human being bc that would be uncomfortable.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rising Phoenix

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1060
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #27 on: March 17, 2019, 10:48:35 AM »
They do, we become the object of the self hatred they can’t face. As for ow, I believe they are fake happy until normal every day living together happens. In the fog I think they keep trying to convince themselves that this will make them happy, plus ow stokes their ego. Xx
Me 50
H51
Married 20yrs
Together 29yr
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang fir 3 yrs now Vanisher other twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Bewildered survivor

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 398
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2019, 02:17:34 PM »
I can soo relate to the mr nice guy in front of everyone else. Because H was mr nice guy for soo many years it’s hard for people to believe he’s being such a monster to me. I struggle to believe it sometime to. I’m not sure he is exhausted from the wearing the mask in front of OW or anyone else. I feel he wore it for soo many years with me to. He’s always had to be perfect son, husband, father etc that he eventually imploded. As long as I’m around as punching bag and a source of release for his self hatred projection he’ll prob be able to maintain the fake mask for a very long time. I just don’t know how to remove myself from being that ‘object’. As long as our children are small and can be used as tools or objects in his game I’ll always be on that stage playing the villain- unless I give in and let him destroy the kids....which will never happen.

Mort I think it’s good you have some knowledge of the lies he’s telling others so at least you can set them straight. I had this opportunity to until he manipulated his family into cutting contact with me. Now he can lie as much as he wants without anyone calling him out on it. I’m sure deep down they know he is lying but they are avoidant people and struggle to accept he’s no longer golden child and really want to believe him. My MIL shortly after BD actually told me not to believe or trust a word he says because he’s been possessed by the devil and wants to break you-lol. So she knows in her heart what the truth is even if it is easier to deny it right now.

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15676
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Reply #29 on: March 17, 2019, 03:30:35 PM »
Mr J never wore a mask when we were together. And he knew the nice side he was showing OW1 was just that, his nice side. He wrote her as much. Did he ever showed her his less nice side? I don't know. Did he ever told OW2 he was just showing her his nice side? I don't know.

For those with small children it is much more difficult to remove ourselves. However, the nice guy mask and the hate, desdain and seeing us as a thing or the enemy do not go away even if we fully remove ourselves from them. I have been away from Mr J for over a decade and there is barely any contact. When there is, at times it is civil, at others he is still nasty and angry.

Since it has been years we have not been in each other life, why does he remains so angry and nasty towards me? I don't know. Years ago he had a phase he was snappy and rude to MLC and old friends on Facebook. Maybe he does not manage to keep the mask in place all the time. Maybe when he doens't he still blames me. Who knows what is going on in their minds.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk