Author Topic: My Story Silver  (Read 2393 times)

Offline SilverTopic starter

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My Story Re: Silver
« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2019, 01:21:10 AM »
Thanks KIT  :)

Last few days have been encouraging what comes to living in peace and co operating with XW. I have no doubt it won't be permanent but still it is nice to see it is even possible.
We have had lots of kids' stuff to handle and she has been polite, asked my opinion before making decisions etc. So have I. Over 90 per cent of our communication is texting but yesterday she called me and we had brief but nice, even friendly chat about kids' clothes which need to be bought and many other things. It was nice, behave like an adult and see her doing the same. At sunday as I picked up kids, OM was there too. He has learned to stay at background when I arrive and why wouldn't he, it takes like 5 minutes and then I'm gone again. He did say hi from living room and I replied and that was it, no drama. They are engaged and chosen each other, it is not my business and I have to respect that at some level, no matter what happened before that. The only thing I can have control on are my reactions and emotions. And I do see that my level of acceptance is better than it has been since the whole MLC hell started.

There will be downs and we have difficult negotiations coming about kids' schools which is related to her intention to move a bit further from me (not that much but it does have an effect on where they go at school). I already made a very concrete suggestion about compromise in which I wouldn't have to move and she still had relatively wide range of living area to choose from. Luckily we both work at same part of the city so she probably won't desire to move that far from it anyway. If we reach an agreement in this, we wouldn't have to go to a court at all.
Not counting too much on it but I am hopeful at the moment.

Those LBS stages, they are real, at least in my case. I been trough them many times already and feel that each time I come out of cycle a bit stronger (as I was told when I was newbie).
For anyone that hasn't learn them yet I warmly recommend to do so as they give some answers and hope to how we feel as LBS's.
Here's the link:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8078.0






"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Silver
« Reply #21 on: March 26, 2019, 05:48:02 AM »
Following along my friend.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Silver
« Reply #22 on: March 26, 2019, 06:10:25 AM »
I sure hope she prioritizes the kids’ needs before her own re moving.  MLCers are not well known for considering others’ needs but, hey, who knows?!  Maybe her needs will aligne with that of the kids.
No expections, right, Silver?  You can’t do a thing about what she does.  You can only control your response to it.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Silver
« Reply #23 on: March 26, 2019, 10:42:32 AM »
Hello,

Quote
They are engaged and chosen each other, it is not my business and I have to respect that at some level, no matter what happened before that.

I think because he came after the fact, I feel that you do't have the contempt. In my situation, if my ex started dating someone other than OM, I am fine with that. I don't like OM at all. He is a bastard. I pray hard everyday that he gets ringworm on his crank and it's incurable.

Quote
The only thing I can have control on are my reactions and emotions.

Perfect. When you have these under control, then you can make a response to your MLCer.

I do hope you stay out of court. It is expensive and you never know what you are going to get. However, I think you are at the stage where you won't let her push you around either.

Quote
There will be downs and we have difficult negotiations coming about kids' schools which is related to her intention to move a bit

Yes, there will be. However, her decision to move should not impact on your relationship or ability to see the kids. If it does, then she must make the decision to work with you and accommodate your needs. MLCer's don't like that at all. However, the court will side with you as they will see her move as an attempt to take time/inconvenience on you.

I do feel that we come out stronger. I like the fact that I feel that I have reached a new normal. A new place where I can live now and feel happy with who I am and who I am with. My new wife is amazing. I can not express how much I love her and appreciate her. Maybe because of the journey I have been through has redefined me, I don't know. However, I do feel peace and joy in my life.

Fist bump,

Ready






"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Silver
« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2019, 05:40:28 AM »
Thank you Helping, Acorn, Ready,

It is actually quite liberating thought Acorn, why even try to control anything that's out of control, right?

Ready, had  a laugh thinking of you on your knees praying your evening prayer about ringworm  :o ;D


The detachment update


Thought about this today. I remember like it was yesterday (probably bc it was less than 2 years ago  ;D) when I asked what is true detachment and how you know you have reached it. UM or someone (probably him) told me that I will know it when I am there. At that time I talked about detachment a lot, as my goal and was very glad for every day I felt detachment, I even named a week "a great detachment week" (or was it a month  ::..anyway). I knew it wasn't the 'real detachment' but it was empowering and important to feel even just small gleam of it.

I am at 2 years mark in couple of weeks, post BD. I feel it now.

She still makes me angry at times, I still tend to react every now and then but less and less. Today she texted about something about kids' stuff (not relevant), I disagreed with her, she told me  and that she doesn't 'even want to see me'. I replied, me neither or in fact I don't care if I do or don't but just let me know about how you want to take care of this (kids' stuff we were arguing about). She replied telling me to f**k off and I stopped texting.

What I felt? Not much tbh. I don't feel her hooks in me anymore. It was an argument of some kind yes, but that happens. I have no reason to unzip my mouth anymore, if that's the way you want to see it, I can say what I think about anything and show her very clearly I am not doormattable(?) anymore. But I don't do it to hurt her or to get my anger out or whatever, I do it bc I am me and I have opinions which don't always go along with her's, right? I don't feel like I needed to fight about who's in control or charge, who did what and why. I don't care about her life with OM, still don't 'wish them all the best' but I am fine if they have a time of their life loving each other for the rest of their lives. I care about my children, me, my life and I am willing and ready to work with her with any area relating to kids, co operate the best I can yet not letting her to boss around. If we disagree about something, I am willing to discuss about it. No need to tell her to f**k off, even though I may think that sometimes.

J isn't often around when XW picks up the kids from my place, yesterday she was. It had surprisingly clearly impact on her. J was sitting on the couch, didn't get involved in anyway the hassle. They sayed hi to each other and that's it. XW wasn't comfortable for her being there, I can tell you that. She showed me even by the car when they were leaving and I went to parking lot to wave to kids. It still bothers her to see J with me I think. What am I thinking about that reaction? Not much to be honest.

I believe I am detached now. Couldn't have happened any sooner but I'm happy for getting this far in 2 years (or 4, depends on from where start counting).
Feels like peace.











 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Silver
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2019, 05:49:47 AM »
Nice update mate. You are surely no doormat Silver, never were actually.
Let her tell you to firetruck off, who cares about her childish power games? Silver is detached now and has J to Keep him Company.

Report that back to your mothership, Alien species from the planet Lala  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Acorn

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Re: Silver
« Reply #26 on: April 02, 2019, 06:51:30 AM »
You are no doormat, Silver.  She knows it and that’s the reason for her pouting.  O well.

You are doing very, very well!
(((((HUGS))))))
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Silver
« Reply #27 on: April 02, 2019, 10:26:35 AM »
Today she texted about something about kids' stuff (not relevant), I disagreed with her, she told me  and that she doesn't 'even want to see me'. I replied, me neither or in fact I don't care if I do or don't but just let me know about how you want to take care of this (kids' stuff we were arguing about). She replied telling me to f**k off and I stopped texting.



Soooooo, she's what, 13 now?  Good that you stopped it. What else can you do?

I think when we stop thinking about detachment at all is when we are fully detached. You, my friend, are killing it!!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Silver
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2019, 04:35:54 AM »


Detachment and indifference are 2 different things... <breathe in, breathe out.... >

Not allowing your emotional state to be dictated by her emotional state is detachment...

Quote from: Silver
I replied, me neither or in fact I don't care if I do or don't
<...snip...>
I don't care about her life with OM
<...snip...>
It still bothers her to see J with me I think. What am I thinking about that reaction? Not much to be honest.

That is indifference... "I don't care..." The total opposite of love...

Not getting drawn into the text war with the "I don't want to see you ever again" and the "Firetruck off" is detachment... You kept your own emotional space free from MLC Drama attempts...

There is a difference.... You can have detachment without indifference but not indifference without detachment...


Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Silver
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2019, 04:53:39 AM »
Thanks guys!

UM that gentleman in your GIF even looks like me a little, lacking beard though. His reaction looks familiar, I'm sure I seen it somewhere sometime. Oh yes, it was in mirror just a while before divorce!

So are you saying my bear friend that I am not there yet?
You may be right, then again not.. I don't recognize the feeling that she didn't matter me at all (oh well I did say that to her I know). I feel good, like today, when we can have an adult conversation, about children. See, yesterday she was all teenager today she was the mother to our children again. I like talking to her calm, polite way and getting the same from her. It's about mutual respect, isn't it? About rising above us (no, wait, I mean what WAS us, now it is her and I) because there are two more important persons in between us. That's just how it should be.

I am not exactly sure if I read 'indifference' right but if it means (if you mean UM) that it is opposite to love, I don't recognize it. More like peace that is not very easily disturbed about how she acts or what she does anymore. I mean, it has very much less power on me than 10 months ago. I would call that detachment?


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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