Author Topic: My Story Silver  (Read 1829 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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My Story Re: Silver
« Reply #120 on: May 14, 2019, 09:15:29 PM »
It's Wednesday here Silver, so one day closer ;D

Thinking about the past gets easier as time passes.  I can now have a chuckle at some of xH's antics (NOT ALL ??? :o )  Even thoughts about 'how we used to be' don't sting like they once used to. Early days after BD I would be teary just thinking about how our family had been destroyed.  These days I accept thigs the way they are but never pretend to prefer the way life is now.  It would have been best had xH never had a crisis.

You sound calmer and more grounded Silver so you are accepting your new life and being a great Dad to your kids is such a wonderful thing.  We all get to a place of acceptance in the end and if we didn't, we would never be able to function properly.  We do need to work on healing just to live a near normal life.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Silver
« Reply #121 on: May 15, 2019, 01:46:07 AM »
Oh you are such a pedantic group of people my friends  ;D Think it as if monday is the start of the week, the other 6 days may well be called end of the week, so it's weekend!

Thank you very much anyway for encouraging words Whyus, Acorn, KIT, Savvy.

Journaling
This morning before going work we participated to briefing related to next year (which will be preschool to S5) at daycare center. We sat there side by side with XW, filled some forms and talked about S5's schedules. We were good I have to tell you, not like MLCer and LBSer or whatever, but like parents - as we should be. We went to say hi to S5 to his class after briefing and he was little surprised to see us both at same time (as it's usually split as her week and my week, not both of us together there) but delighted. A small detail which sound stupid or/and funny is that we only recently have actually started to say 'hi' and 'bye' to each other with XW, like normal people do. It feels good too, like showing each other that we don't have to be enemies here anymore, show a little respect to each other regardless the situation. I am relieved things have gone at this direction, at least for now yet I have no expectations about the future, there may and probably will become more difficult times again but I guess it will be easier to get pass that too with en experience of being able to act like 2 adults and parents should.
I have to be honest too and say that this all involves me as well as her, I can't say I would have been better than her what comes to communication  ::)

But just like MLCers rage and monster, some of us LBSers need the anger more than others, to go on. I don't think I would be even this far if I didn't make all those mistakes and let my anger show and hear to XW. All that was wrong in view of LBS playbook we learn from here (calm cool collected etc) and which I'm speaking for myself too, but it just has to be accepted that we are all different too. Some of us NEED the phase of rage and anger to leave this stuff behind us.

One 'funny' thing this morning was that I catched myself making note that there were about 20 persons in the room and I didn't see one of them without ring at their wedding finger.
No one but me  ::) In my country statistically 40-50 % of couples divorce, which is INSANE NUMBER. So I guess there were only the lucky half present today...
Can't say of course how many of them had maybe divorced before and have to remember that XW's encagement ring (yes I intentionally miswrote it  ;D) is her 3rd one already  ::)

oh well I have my rings, two of them, one with carved cross made of steel and the other one steel & silver, they suit me well enough.


Have a great MIDDLE OF THE WEEK all of you!
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Silver
« Reply #122 on: May 15, 2019, 04:36:29 AM »
Silver
I agree we have to get the anger out. If not on MLCer, it will go on someone else. Might as well be them.
As for LBS rule book. Well imo it needs to be one page.
DO WHAT MAKES YOU GET BETTER!! YOU WILL LEARN AS YOU GO!!!

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Silver
« Reply #123 on: May 15, 2019, 09:54:51 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Some of us NEED the phase of rage and anger to leave this stuff behind us.

To be honest, I have a big issue with this. Six years after the divorce. I can find myself still simmering. I start to think of my ex and OM and all that they did. Next think my blood starts to simmer and boil.

Doesn't happen often. But it still does. At least I am at the point were I can talk about her and pre-MLC memories without stumbling.

I know I should forgive, and I could easily write that I have forgiven her. But it would be a lie and a lie to myself.

Quote
A small detail which sound stupid or/and funny is that we only recently have actually started to say 'hi' and 'bye' to each other with XW, like normal people do.

We are NC for the most part but were were cordial to each other the two times we have seen each other. But you can still feel the tension. So I guess you are further along than I am.

You have a great week as well,

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online Treasur

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Re: Silver
« Reply #124 on: May 15, 2019, 10:35:54 AM »
It is good to realise when time fades the sharp edges a bit.
Having said that, while anger was overwhelmed for me by disbelief and pain, I long ago removed any pressure to forgive. Like Ready actually, I have not forgiven my xh, ow, his family....and I may never do so. Which is ok with me. What mattered more to me was that I did not want to be vindictive in response - bc that would a) not have made me feel better and b) not have improved my life one bit - and that my feelings were more focused on my recovery than on victimhood. Which took a while tbh and a lot of mental effort. God will have to deal with the forgiveness/consequences bit. I did well to resist all of the opportunities I had to be spiteful or damage his life. I worked hard to treat my then h with the basic respect as a human being I did not receive in return.. I think that is good enough.

It was reasonable of me to expect to be treated with respect and decency after almost 20 years even if my h no longer wanted me in his life. It was reasonable of me to expect to be treated with some compassion as a stbxw who had a life threatening illness and had simultaneously lost her family. I can accept that this wasn't what happened. I can even have some compassion for how f'ed up someone would have to be to act that way. But I think ending your marriage by ignoring, abusing and threatening someone's life is not ok and it may be unforgivable actually. So I am content to not forgive even if I choose not to hate for my own benefit. But what he did was Real, he had other choices and did it anyway bc it gave him something that he valued more than my life or being a decent human. Not being forgiven when you have done something so cruel to someone who never intentionally harmed you is maybe part of the inevitable consequences imho particularly when someone has never shown remorse or asked for forgiveness.

We can put too much pressure on our shoulders to forgive in the face of abuse and contempt I think. With time, and perhaps if someone ever shows genuine remorse, ones stance might change. Idk. But I am ok with settling for not hating or wanting to hurt someone back.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 10:37:50 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Silver
« Reply #125 on: May 15, 2019, 11:32:02 PM »
I also don't feel I should forgive xH for the damage he has caused our family.  If he chooses to apologize to me one day, I will listen and choose to forgive or not depending on his explanation.

I choose not to feel bitter or particularly angry but the sadness will live on forever, even if he does come out of it.  We've lost many good years to MLC and tht's not ok or easy to just say 'oh well' and move on from. 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Whyus

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Re: Silver
« Reply #126 on: May 15, 2019, 11:56:55 PM »
Interesting discussion.
I may have offered XW and Om an olive branch a while back which they both accepted but the reason was for purely for my own wellbeing, my Boys and for K. It had nothing to do with forgiveness on my part. Maybe one day I can forgive but that will take a very Long time if it ever should happen.

Before I hear some Kind of Explanation from XW, which may or may not bring closure there is no Chance of forgiveness.
Finding your inner peace, accepting the Situation and making the best of your possibilities has nothing to do with forgiveness... I also don’t buy this "hate the sin not the sinner" nonsense.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Silver
« Reply #127 on: May 16, 2019, 01:45:10 AM »
Thanks guys for inputs.

Forgiveness, the most interesting discussion. I was actually naive enough to ask my IC right after divorced, how could I work on forgiveness. She told me that maybe it is not the time yet (for some reason  ;D). I suppose I thought that without forgiving I can't find peace to ME.

It's complicated tbh. I feel that fighting bitterness is the most important thing to do after all that happened. Getting my anger & rage out so many times, to her face (verbally of course) and once to OM's face too (still verbally thank God  ::)) have been inevitable 'mistakes' to do in my case, the way to burn the flame smaller and smaller, not denying it which would obviously plant a bitterness seed as the soil was fertile to it. I believe that I managed fight bitterness by being that open with my anger, abandoning rule of 3 etc - yet I didn't MEAN to, it just happened, many times. But now I'm actually happy it did and really happy that I didn't cause more damage with it  ::) ::)

But to reach forgiveness... As many of you stated, it's hard to forgive something that never was apologized.
As long as XW stays muted about the REAL reasons to our D, to crisis itself, and keeps her side of the story being that she 'had to divorce from me because I was controlling, snooped etc' - HOW COULD I FORGIVE HER?! If I was Jesus Christ I could, but I'm Silver not the Christ.

Honesty, that's what is needed and that's not what I will get from her. She will never, and I'm pretty sure about this at least for now, reach the phase in her life where she was humble enough to tell me that she EVEN PLAYED A ROLE in this, which I keep as HER crisis.

That's just way too conflicting in every way to me. I can stand the fact that she left me, chose another man, wants to 'go forward' in her life. I really can, I'm strong enough and remember I already did it once after my 1st divorce - me and my 1st XW are FB friends today, we are cool when seeing each other in parties, have a talk, I can ask her professional advice by messenger... It could happen because she has been 100% honest to me after the divorce. She sees her part of it, she apologized that she hurt me etc. I forgave her, she forgave me. It's all about honesty and time of course too.

Saying all this, even 1st XW was maybe in some sort of QLC,  eveb more like WAS bc I wasn't very good husband to her and she wasn't happy (which I didn't understand in my... toolness?)
Current XW is in MLC, that's obvious even I (like all of us) have doubted it in my bad days. Add the fact that she also is much more complicated and proud, would like to say selfish too person as my 1st XW was. There is not much to compare with my 1st and 2nd divorce to be honest.

So: ask me forgiveness, say you are sorry, take your responsibility of what happened - like I did mine - and I'll forgive you dear X.
Kind of sad to think that I'm probably in my grave before that happens.




"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Silver
« Reply #128 on: May 16, 2019, 02:23:56 AM »
It may be sad, Silver, but more for her spirit than yours I suspect. What your post does show though is that there are a whole bunch of other alternatives that help US along the way...acceptance, being honest with ourselves about how we feel, fighting bitterness and hatred, emotional self restraint to protect ourselves or others we love. Maybe even forgiving ourselves.

We can live a good healthy life with those even if we never forgive our MLCers or hear them acknowledge their responsibility or the damage they caused others.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SilverTopic starter

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Re: Silver
« Reply #129 on: May 16, 2019, 03:06:36 AM »
So very wise words from you Treasur, as always. Thinking of what you got trough, so much at same time, all that... can't imagine how you got over it this well but I'm very happy you did.
We are fighters, not escapists and should be proud of it, every one of us.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

 

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