Author Topic: My Story Muddled Mind  (Read 2377 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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My Story Muddled Mind
« on: March 18, 2019, 10:45:41 AM »
Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10441.150

I must be the poster child of the non linear development of dealing with grief and trauma and life in general.
There is no straight line or constant improvement.

Instead like a pinball machine my mind shoots from one corner to the next and leaves me muddled and exhausted in the middle.

Raking leave sin the rain with beautiful mascara streams on my face must have resonated with one of the Squirrels...lol...since that day, I have a daily squirrel visitor checking up on me on my front porch.

D left to go back to school again yesterday and it's back to just me and the old cat hanging about. Thankfully the sun is out and I can roam about in the yard doing what needs done.
I read somewhere that Accupuncture can help with grief and trauma - has anybody tried it ? If so what were your thoughts ?

At this point, I am willing to try anything to get some sort of relief from the ups and downs and criss-crosses of my mind. Quite frankly it's exhausting.

Applied for a new job, so we shall see what fate has in store for me.

I would like to thank all of you again for sticking with me on this road we all travel. Couldn't hang in there without you.

Do any of you still feel a bond with your MLC ? My gut tells me that we are not done and I still feel strangely connected to him. I have to fight the urge every day to contact him - what if he is just too scared to come back ??? I know, dreaming out loud now.....ugh...

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2019, 10:53:21 AM »
Do any of you still feel a bond with your MLC ? My gut tells me that we are not done and I still feel strangely connected to him. I have to fight the urge every day to contact him - what if he is just too scared to come back  I know, dreaming out loud now.....ugh...

OMG yes, I do Schratz. I have these thoughts ALL the time.

I'm sorry you're a leaf raking, mascara covered pinball veteran but I'm glad that the squirrel comes to see you. Maybe he's a spirit friend come to check in on you somehow.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2019, 12:53:09 PM »
Attaching Schratz!

I must be the poster child of the non linear development of dealing with grief and trauma and life in general.
There is no straight line or constant improvement.
I was actually thinking something along these lines myself.. I go up and down all the time.. When I'm up, I feel like I have arrived to a place of peace and acceptance, I see things clearly, I even find myself feeling happyish.. And then all of the sudden I fall so low that it takes me a few days to get out of it. So I can relate to the "no straight line or constant improvement" thought!!

Do any of you still feel a bond with your MLC ? My gut tells me that we are not done and I still feel strangely connected to him. I have to fight the urge every day to contact him - what if he is just too scared to come back ??? I know, dreaming out loud now.....ugh...
Yep!! I don't fight the urge to contact him but I do worry about missing the window of opportunity to show him it's safe to talk to me.. The connection I feel with him is really preventing me from truly moving forward with my life.. And I have absolutely no idea how to break that bond, not sure if it's even possible...  :-\
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2019, 01:16:27 PM »
Following along and sending support 66! Yes, I still feel a connection. I don't have to fight the urge to contact him as I know that I would just get more abuse/Monster but the connection for me is definitely still there. I feel that I have reached a place of resigned sadness about it all but it definitely doesn't get much easier!

Take care, PG xxx 

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 05:19:25 PM »
Schratz, Following along and agreeing. 

Quote
Do any of you still feel a bond with your MLC ? My gut tells me that we are not done and I still feel strangely connected to him.

We are still connected.  I think of him and a text comes through. They seem to know what we are doing. I dream of him almost every night.  Our relationships were strong and of long duration.  We could not have been together that long without having some thread that still connects us. But, I am not detached and sadly, perhaps part of me does not want to detach. 

I thought of Jane Austen when I read your passage (there are so many apt quotes from Persuasion):
“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2019, 03:53:01 AM »
Attaching
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2019, 02:04:29 PM »
Yep S66, I still feel that bond too. Wish I didn't b/c I, like you, must fight the urge to contact him every day.  We will get there my friend!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2019, 02:07:00 PM »
I thought of Jane Austen when I read your passage (there are so many apt quotes from Persuasion):
“All the privilege I claim for my own sex (it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it), is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone!”
― Jane Austen, Persuasion

Love this!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Evermore

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2019, 02:39:41 PM »
Yes, absolutely still feel there is a bond. It’s our 20th WA today. Hard to not be able to acknowledge and celebrate that.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 10:54:02 PM »
Hey, 66... well stand in line, think I already got the dysfunctional grief/trauma poster child squirrel job  :)

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. S$it but normal. When you can't do big, do small. If you can't do a day at a time, do an hour. Breathe, above all breathe. Anything that grounds and calms your body is good...I haven't done acupuncture, wish I had probably, but walking, yoga and finally EMDR along with Time were what worked for me. You have already come so far,66, from when you first came here...you have probably forgotten that, hence a reminder from me...and you will not always feel the way you do now. I promise you, you won't.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2019, 04:09:44 AM »
I think it's quite normal to still feel that connection, I actually think they do too, but they don't act on it until they are out of their crisis.

There is just no way, in my opinion, that you can spend years with your spouse and forget them and all the memories.  They may not have the courage to return, but they don't just forget years of their life.

Did you give your little squirrel friend a name?   :)

Hugs, S.
Good luck with the job.  Let us know if you get it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2019, 10:41:41 AM »
Thank you all for tagging along.

I watched a video by Iyanla Vanzant about not being able to let go and she says that when we cannot let go, there is something that we think we get from the other person that we cannot get from ourselves. That got me thinking. What is it that H gave me that I do not get from myself - I came up with two things.
One, for the first time in my life I felt truly loved and valued and therefor worthy - do I feel worthy just being me ? If I am brutally honest - no I do not. No matter how many friends tell me that I am this and that and logically I know that I am a great person, beautiful, smart and all that, but my soul doesn't believe it. Clearly something I need to work on

The second item was that for once in my life I actually felt that I belonged - that I was 'home"  -- not sure how to achieve that one on my own - again something to explore.

The other thing Iyanla mentioned was Why would you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you ? And to answer that one, one has to arrive at the accepting stage and I am not sure I can handle accepting the fact that H just does not want to be with me - hopefully sooner than later I will be able to accept that.

But I did have some good days this week - being able to go out and work in the yard does wonders for the soul and even just sitting outside in the sunshine reading a book feels very peaceful and good for the soul.

Haven't heard about the job I applied for, but I am still hopeful to at least get an interview. I do believe getting away from this work building would be such a huge step in acceptance - because no matter how good of a weekend I have, when I pull in and see his car first thing - the car that used to park next to mine for years, the car that OW has sat in - it just always brings me right back down.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2019, 11:11:46 AM »
Wow lot's of powerful inner work for you to do.
You came up with some really good things to figure out.

I love it!   :)

S, I'll say a prayer (and cross my fingers and toes) you get that job.  I so agree it would be like a small torture to have to see his car every day.

Hugs 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Evermore

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2019, 03:47:53 PM »
I watched a video by Iyanla Vanzant about not being able to let go and she says that when we cannot let go, there is something that we think we get from the other person that we cannot get from ourselves. That got me thinking. What is it that H gave me that I do not get from myself - I came up with two things.
One, for the first time in my life I felt truly loved and valued and therefor worthy - do I feel worthy just being me ? If I am brutally honest - no I do not. No matter how many friends tell me that I am this and that and logically I know that I am a great person, beautiful, smart and all that, but my soul doesn't believe it. Clearly something I need to work on

The second item was that for once in my life I actually felt that I belonged - that I was 'home"  -- not sure how to achieve that one on my own - again something to explore.

The other thing Iyanla mentioned was Why would you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you ? And to answer that one, one has to arrive at the accepting stage and I am not sure I can handle accepting the fact that H just does not want to be with me - hopefully sooner than later I will be able to accept that.

Thank you so much for this. I’m struggling with these things right now and this really helps open up new thoughts.

Crossing fingers for you about the job!
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline megogirl

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2019, 04:15:04 PM »
I think it's quite normal to still feel that connection, I actually think they do too, but they don't act on it until they are out of their crisis.

There is just no way, in my opinion, that you can spend years with your spouse and forget them and all the memories.  They may not have the courage to return, but they don't just forget years of their life.


I don't think that's just your opinion, thunder.  I think that is a fact.

Because unless you have amnesia, there is too much history with one's spouse to all just vanish into thin air, and to pretend that history is just "OVER" is illogical. 

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2019, 06:31:23 PM »
Ugh - I should have known. Just as I level out a wee bit - here comes another contact.
To let me know that another one of his mothers cats passed away. Then in another sentence: If you’d rather not talk to me I understand.

What the heck is that supposed to mean ??? Where would that even come from ? I’ve always replied to any contact and have been kind but understated as to not scare him.

I feel like vomiting right now.

Here is what I responded- right or wrong:
 
I’m so sorry to hear about the cat. Sure seems like it’s one hit after the next. I am not sure why you would think that I wouldn’t want to talk to you. I said I would always be there and I meant it.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2019, 06:45:07 PM »
Great response S66.

He's not completely blind to what he has done...thus he asks a question that is in his thoughts...maybe she doesn't want to talk to me?
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2019, 11:53:07 PM »
I thought it was a lovely reply too, Schratz. You responded to him like you'd hope to be treated yourself - with kindness and compassion.

I've also had to work with/park next to H and I fully understand how that makes you feel. Urgh. Good luck with the job.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2019, 12:01:59 AM »
Perfect response, 66. No pursuing, short but also gracious and truthful. You can't do more than that and you can't govern what they think or don't.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2019, 12:03:47 AM »
Greta Response Schratz, just short and to the Point.
I really hope that you get that Job, I couldnt imagine having XW here at the workplace  ???
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2019, 06:22:04 AM »
See, I learned from the best on how to respond...lol....you all are sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ears when I thought of how to respond 

the reply I received from H was ......Thank you......

That's it - nothing else - guess he really didn't want to talk, just wanted to see if I was available if possibly maybe he would consider it.
Those MLC peeps are indeed looney tunes.

However, I was afraid that this would drag me down, cause tears or sleepless nights - I am happy to report that amazingly I was able to check it off as another weird contact like the one where he signed his first, middle and last name (like I wouldn't know who he is) - I look at it as in he thought of me and that's it.

What can I do today to make this day a good one for me ? It's another sunny beautiful day here, so I will head home after work and fix up my small area of vegetable garden to get it ready for planting next month.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #21 on: March 27, 2019, 04:02:44 AM »
Maybe the reason you didn't let it bother you was because you're starting to see how crazy your MLCer is thinking, S.

You gave him no reason to think you didn't want to talk to him, it's his own guilt speaking..like maybe you shouldn't want to talk to him after what he did to you.

Also signing his name the way he did.  Could be he's afraid you are going to forget him so in his MLCerish way he put his full name on his msg to remind you who he is.

You just can't make this up this stuff, it's not normal.
The only thing for certain is you are on his mind.

A question for you?  Was it if real importance that you were told his mother's cat died?
Or was it an excuse to contact you?   ;)

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #22 on: March 27, 2019, 05:43:43 AM »
Does she have any more cats?
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #23 on: March 27, 2019, 06:03:12 AM »
So very glad to read your last post...you are doing so well.

You will see, many MLCers continue to find a reason to contact us, handling that contact without it "hurting" us is key.....I think responding to them kindly is the best thing...for us....we shall have no regrets no matter what the outcome.....Enjoy your day!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #24 on: March 27, 2019, 06:08:39 AM »
Schratz I am just catching up with your thread and have started from the beginning so my replies may seem all out of whack but here goes. 8)


''Do any of you still feel a bond with your MLC?''

Yes. A unique one that I have felt with no one else in my life. Even now, a year and a half after BD...it is still there. More importantly he feels it too. I don't think he likes the fact that it won't just disappear and let him be free or you know whatever MLC crap they come out with. ::)

There is a mental connection we have that I can't describe and can't seem to find with anyone else. The fact he keeps coming to me to talk, and some of what he says suggests the same.

I think our marriage wasn't built on romantic lusty love. Don't get me wrong we never had a problem in that area, but our love was built on a deep friendship. We did everything together, we liked the same things, we had the same sense of humour. I loved everything about him, and he is a good looking guy now, but when I met him he was a skinny nerd with a terrible hair cut. There was a deep connection there, that his look never mattered, his money or lack there of never mattered. Unfortunately it is still there.

Best I can describe it is like a giant steel cable that holds a ship to port. The giant cable is made of lots of little smaller metal cables all wound round each other. I feel like certain things have snapped some of those little cables, it is a bit frayed but still there. The outside ones are hanging like tassels in the wind but the core of the cable is still strongly there.

And that brings us smoothly into a text about a cat. An excuse to contact you. Because he has that cable too. No matter how much they fight it.

I was posting on Treasur's thread earlier about stuff like that. Little things like a song on the radio, going to a coffee shop you used to visit, seeing something in the store they would like.....All those things affect us and are pretty painful in the beginning, but the flip side is....they affect the MLCer to. Those same things make you dance in his head too. And I think once one thing pops up, you are on his mind so he notices something else...and then eventually they need an excuse to contact you.

Any old excuse will do.

Like a cat.  ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #25 on: March 27, 2019, 02:22:35 PM »
Mort - that’s exactly how me and H are or were. Great friends first and then add the crazy lust - we felt like made for each other because we both had a quirky sense of humor - both honest to a fault - hate fake - loved to discuss news and politics and just “clicked”. I’ve never found that with anyone else.

Thunder - that cat was not inconsequential but I had no deep connection to it so no need to contact for that.

It must be a blue moon though because usual there’s months between contacts. After his “thank you” - I got another email that it was not his intent to upset or bother me. I just replied “you didn’t - Smiley face”. He replied he does hope that I’m well and that he’ll try not to lose any more pets any time soon.

So, today I had to take some big boxes down to reception. Normally I peek around corners to avoid seeing him, but with the boxes I couldn’t see until I was at the reception area. I saw him walking towards the exit away from me and hoped he wouldn’t turn around. Well, he turned his head as he walked out and saw me. Turned around and walked towards me and stopped. Asked me what was in the boxes and then still small talk asked about his laptop getting replaced (I’m in IT). I answered that i would check and then he said he wouldn’t ask this agency for anything.

I walked off, checked on his replacement and emailed that his wasn’t scheduled for replacement and then added an emoji saying he sounded a tad bitter. He emailed right back and thanked me and said he wasn’t bitter towards me.

Second time in two days that he made sure I knew he had no ill feelings and made sure he didn’t upset me. Very odd indeed.

Trying not to read anything into it. For all I know he’s riding off into the sunset with OW and just wants to make sure he can tell himself he’s an awesome guy.

This MLC stuff is exhausting and sometimes I think I deserve someone wanting to be with me and not a confused oddball, but then I realize I still deeply love this man and can’t give up on us yet.



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #26 on: March 27, 2019, 11:28:47 PM »
Gosh Mortesbride, you could have written that for me too.

I though the same about the cat, Schratz, whatever's going on in H's head, he's thinking/thought/thinks about you.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #27 on: March 28, 2019, 08:15:43 AM »
Dear Lord - Ursa - throw me a humangous 2x4 and aim it straight at my head so all those damn monkeys will stop monkey braining.

Apparently H asked one of the girls I went to Vegas with when we were going back - she (who is not a drama creator) said she got the vibe that he was fishing for her to say something about me and that he seems to want to reach out.

Ugh - what do I do now ? Just wait for the next contact ????? Do I reach out to him ???????? You all know that I want to run up to him and yell that I love him and what about OW and did he change his min.....I won't do it because he would probably be terrified ........but I want to so bad - all patience is gone and I am losing my mind.

Why did he have to change up his usual behavior after I finally adjusted to it .......I need to get back to none of it meaning anything and just keep doing my thing with Eloise the squirrel.

Just when you are about to give up hope, they want to throw you a little light - and again for all I know it's not the glorious realization that he can't live without me that I envision in my muddled mind. It might he just really thought I needed to know about the passing of the cat.

My head is all over the place and my mind is spinning and daggoned these people.



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #28 on: March 28, 2019, 08:30:29 AM »
Well with all that contact no wonder you head is spinning.

It's possible he is cycling, or there is some movement.  They can't stay in crisis forever.
Also your friend could have misinterpreted him.  You just don't know that.

I would just chalk it all up as a nice text and a positive encounter, nothing more for now.
If he is in fact, moving along in that tunnel, he'll be back.  It may take him awhile but he'll be back.

Go about your business as usual.  You've been doing too good to go backwards now.

Hugs

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #29 on: March 28, 2019, 09:37:28 AM »
Do nothing, 66. If he does want to reach out, even if just as an anchor check, he'll find a way.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #30 on: March 29, 2019, 07:40:57 AM »
Thank you Thunder and Treasur for your wisdom.

I did have the 'talk" with myself and chided myself..... it sort of went like this:

"Schratz, get your head our of your rear (except I used the real word...lol) - you don't know anything - this probably means nothing and you are letting it ruin your peace of mind. It could have just been sheer coincidental and he is just trying to ease his guilt by being pleasant you just don't know so quit dreaming up your pink bubble and quit getting your hopes up. And just because he is going back to Vegas with his male friend does not mean the OW is gone. Stop assuming anything"

I blame my eternal optimism - which really nobody would call me an optimist. They call me the dream crusher because if somebody goes on about some ridiculous idea, I always bring it down to reality, but in my life I have always carried hope in my heart no matter what. Hope that things work out for the best, hope that things change, hope that the next day will be beautiful. It really annoys my overcritical and overcynical mother - but if we don't have hope what do we have really.

I always though having eternal hope was a good trait - until this MLC comes crushing down on you like a load of bricks. Then hope becomes your worst enemy.

I almost said this multiple encounter in a short time frame put me in a tailspin back to the beginning, but this morning I woke up and realized it hasn't. Yes, it took me back, yes it took my peace and yes, I have monkeys flying all over my brain, but I am on my way back up and on my way to realize that I must do nothing other than what I can control and that is me and how to make sure my days are happy.

This truly is a daily struggle and no wonder most of the LBS are exhausted and I can absolutely see why a lot of them get to the point of just giving up standing - it certainly is not for the weak and it certainly is not a fun ride and if I wasn't still in love with him, I am not sure if it would be worth it. But like a starry eyed child dreaming of Cotton Candy, I still believe he is a decent person and is absolutely worth it.

And on the truly bright side - IT'S FRIDAY :)

Have a fabulous weekend my sisters and brothers, I am glad to not be alone in this pit from hell

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online FearNot

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #31 on: March 29, 2019, 02:21:08 PM »
Hey S66! Jumping in your pit with you! Glad to see you are hanging in there!! Hugs!!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Online Evermore

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #32 on: March 29, 2019, 03:25:06 PM »
Definitely not alone in this exhausting pit 66. Happy Friday (even though it’s already Saturday morning here ;) ).
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #33 on: March 29, 2019, 04:30:38 PM »
Thank you Fear and Ever for boiling in this pit with me.

Let’s just say me reading myself the riot act didn’t work. I’ve been literally sitting on my hands for the last two hours just so that I wouldn’t send him an “I miss you” email.

So, if there any takers, can somebody give me a stern talking to that contacting him now is not advisable.

What if he’s just afraid to reach out again? Then again what if pigs could fly as Ursa would say.

Ugh Ugh Ugh


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Nas

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #34 on: March 29, 2019, 05:14:35 PM »
Well I won't be stern, lol, but I would say it's a good call to sit on your hands.
He's contacted you and as loopy as it seems, you initiating a contact this soon, especially to say "I miss you" could send him running in fear.
It's so frustrating, isn't it?
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #35 on: March 30, 2019, 12:35:46 AM »
Hi from my corner of the pit, Schratz.

Would it help to write something to him but DON'T send it?? Get your feelings out on paper then file it? I've done this a couple if times and it helped me. Maybe don't do it on email where the temptation to just hit "send" might be too much.
Just a thought anyway. I agree with Nas, think a real contact might spook him.

Good luck
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #36 on: March 30, 2019, 12:49:54 AM »
Take a breath, my friend. Lots of 'what ifs' and 'maybes' going on.
Do not contact him.
Why? If he reaches out, you need the reassurance of knowing that it is 100% his choice to do so. And you know that your words are futile and that MLC spouses usually move very slowly from thought to action.
Distract yourself. Go for a walk. Plant a rose. Read a book. Watch a movie. Call a friend. Do GAL bc you are worth it and the world is full of nice things.
If you have thoughts in your head that you need to get out of your head, vent here or write a letter to him that you DO NOT send.
Then breathe a bit more.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #37 on: March 30, 2019, 03:08:27 AM »
I totally agree S, it will spook him big time.

Give him some (dreaded) time.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #38 on: March 30, 2019, 06:35:18 AM »
Good morning. I have been in your chair many times. It just doesn't make sense to me, why "contact" me after so many years? I have learned though, when I have adjusted to not hearing from him for a while, he always contacts.

Recently, he sent me a y-tube video that made fun of Brexit.

I still respond back when he contacts....it is all superficial, I'll tell him a bit about something or other, he'll respond back..very "light" and darn, he'll remind me of the very very sweet man he once was.

And now, after many many years and much therapy, I smile when I think about him. I know though, that saying anything to him about maybe we could work this out is useless. LP wrote something very very wise this week on Thundaar's thread post #52…worth a read if you have not seen it all:

Quote
if the MLCer is going to come back, he will find a way, not because the LBS chased him, but because he made the choice and the effort. A man makes effort, a boy looks for the easy way.  If it's meant to be, if it's Gods will, it will happen regardless of one's ham handed attempts to

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10682.50

I know how you just want to engage with him, because contact makes you feel..not necessarily "good" feelings...but something deep inside that satisfies a yearning within. There is no right or wrong answer....it seems though that these type of MLCers continue to touch base, even if months go by...they do not forget us Schrartz.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #39 on: March 30, 2019, 08:41:57 AM »
Oh Schratz I get it! Hardest thing in the world is to do nothing. But it’s the best thing at this juncture. You got this girl!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #40 on: March 30, 2019, 04:10:11 PM »
Man that twitchy text feeling is the worst.

Kinda makes you feel like your hand is possessed Evil Dead style.

I must admit that was much more of a problem at the start...but lately I can feel the urge coming round more because he has been WA me more.

It is actually kinda annoying how quickly the urge comes back.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #41 on: March 30, 2019, 06:20:33 PM »
Thank you all. Such a close call all evening.
Evil twitchy text hand - but I kept thinking of all my LBS peeps and resisted.

It was as hard as the first few months to not contact, which really took me by such surprise because I had mastered being ok with not contacting. We had sort of a rhythm- he’d contact every few months briefly and I’d reply brief and that was it.

On the bright side this shows me how far I had come- I had forgotten the crazy itchy text hands and the 100 mile an hour mind spinning and the restlessness. Good grief, I want my calm back. This is insane.

Spent all day today scrubbing floors to stay occupied and I’ve done better.

Hopefully it’ll just take a couple of days for me to simmer back down.

Thanks for having my back as usual. You all are amazing.



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #42 on: April 02, 2019, 11:13:10 AM »
Guess what - another contact was made by H
I mean how do you go from once every 3-4 months to 3 contacts in one week ?
Anyway - this one was an email about him noticing that the side of my car seems to have been keyed and who would have done that. 
Truth be told those marks have been on my car for at least 4 years but I guess he never noticed...lol
My reply - No clue who did it - I guess somebody with a grudge...lol add smiley face

His reply: Must be one heck of a grudge

Not replying to that one - let him think what he wants.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #43 on: April 02, 2019, 11:22:39 AM »
Well, WTF? Well done for your reply and not replying to the last one! Odd that he is noticing such things now! Hmmmm….hope that you are okay, PG xxx

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #44 on: April 02, 2019, 11:48:02 AM »
OMG--LOLing that the mark has been there for 4 years and he just now noticed. Been in the fog much Mr. S?
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #45 on: April 02, 2019, 12:47:44 PM »
Mine walked into the hall the other day...and said ''Wow nice wallpaper did you do it yourself?''

It is wallpaper me and MIL put up 4 years ago BEFORE BD!  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #46 on: April 02, 2019, 01:07:16 PM »
It really shows how bad their memories are, doesn't it? Mine was in the house one day and asked me if the dishes were new... I said "no, we bought them last year. Do you not remember complaining non stop about how hard it was to remove the stickers when they arrived?" His face?  :o  absolutely no recollection!  ::)  Scary
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Anon

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #47 on: April 02, 2019, 01:47:11 PM »
My BD a couple of weeks after yours.  My H wasn't a vanisher but contact was very frequent in the early days then dropping off, then stepping up again but contact still fairly brief for a year or so.  Now, for the last few months,, it's back to 2 - 3 times/week and he does what he can to draw out the conversation as long as possible.   Still in Replay but it's much a much quieter replay than the early days.   All signs suggest that some kind of change/progress is occurring but hard to tell what any of it means, or if it means anything in the long term.  At 2 years post BD, one thing is for certain.... they still have a long way to go.  You are handling it all very well. 

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #48 on: April 04, 2019, 06:32:29 AM »
Still reeling from all that contact but simmering down a bit.
My D suggested to flat out ask him, but my gut tells me that now is not the time.
So I shall continue to just lay low and only respond not reaching out myself.

It's tough and it's so tempting to want clear fronts, but I have to wrap myself in patience on this one.

Exciting news on the job front though - I have an interview tomorrow - so wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2019, 06:35:24 AM »
Sending positive thoughts your way for tomorrow...

And SuperGlue for the twitchy Fingers... I think YOU are the one that is correct here and not D... Bide your time... If H wants something, he knows where you are...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #50 on: April 04, 2019, 10:14:02 AM »
Good luck with the interview, Schratz (and yes, agree: put your energy into that rather than contacting H).
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #51 on: April 04, 2019, 12:22:33 PM »
Good luck with your interview 66! xxxx PG xxx

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #52 on: April 05, 2019, 08:17:35 AM »
Not in a good headspace today - why make such frequent contact and then drop off again ?
Feel like I am starting over - I know - my own damn fault for having hope an expectations when nothing has changed....if I could beat myself with that 2 * 4 I would...

Gotta get a grip so I don't walk in that interview like Mrs Sourpot that hates the world, which is what I feel like today.....grrrrrr

Just in case i haven't mentioned it - let me shout it from the rooftop:  MLC SUCKS

Packing all your good vibes and well wishes into my shirt pocket and off to the interview I go.

Hopefully tomorrow I will find my Mrs Sunshine personality again

Thank you all
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #53 on: April 05, 2019, 08:22:10 AM »
Good luck with your interview Schratz!! And yep, it sucks!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #54 on: April 05, 2019, 08:30:38 AM »
Yep he scared himself off again.  He is not trusting his feelings so back in the oven for awhile.   ::)

Good luck today!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #55 on: April 05, 2019, 12:52:01 PM »
Update on the Interview:
Couldn’t have gotten any worse.
H and I have both worked in State Government for 26 years. It’s like a small community. As fate should have it the Lead Interview position was a guy that has hated H and I since 1996. That man has tried to block both of our careers multiple times - never succeeded and had my last boss in tears bad mouthing me. That man made sure his wife (who he regularly cheats on publicly) was the lawyer against me when I filed a grievance. Of course his wife list - I won :)
But when I walked in today and saw him - I knew fate was telling me that this was not the job for me.

It’s all good though. My current job is decent enough - love my coworkers and the only downside is that I have to lurk around corners as to not run into H.

It’s all as it should be - I firmly believe in fate doing what needs done - except when it comes to my marriage. In that case I want what I want and I don’t want to wait and I want it now.

H being so cute and normal in his last few contacts made me fall for him all over again and now I’m back to hurting like a freshly boiled cat. So mad at myself. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Can he not just snap out of it already ????

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #56 on: April 05, 2019, 02:08:11 PM »
Ugggg-sorry about that interview. Politics suck. But happy you are in a good position now so you can wait until the next great thing comes around.

About those T&Gs/anchor checks, whatever they are. Well, they wreak havoc on our emotions. They draw us back in every single time. We think we see the "real H." But no, all an illusion. I had H telling me all last year that he wanted "us" back and that we needed to talk so we could make it happen. All year. I tell you, it pummeled me in the worst possible way. We think we want to hear all that good stuff, the niceties. but then when we do, and they do not back it up b/c, well, MLC, it hurts that much worse when they go back into the tunnel.  I'm sorry you had to deal with that. SO much easier when they stay away, or even monster at us.

Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online FearNot

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #57 on: April 05, 2019, 02:12:08 PM »
S66,

Big hugs friend. I am sorry that you are having a rough go after the contact.It is not easy. And I am sorry the interview didn't pan out. But you're right. Things happen for a reason. Your fur grows back quicker each time you get boiled!! Until then you have silky smooth hairless skin and that $h!te can just bounce right off and not get caught in the fur balls!!  ;) Jk.
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #58 on: April 05, 2019, 04:17:50 PM »
Kit - thank you - it sure does rattle our cages and it seemed sobreal and genuine, I swear. Damn him and damn me for living that fool.

Fear, I cannot thank you enough because you made me cackle out loud just now with the silky smooth hairless skin - dear Lord - that’s too funny - those hairless dogs and cats are so damn ugly and I’m part of that now .... can’t stop giggling - bless your heart you made my evening.

Who can rant and rave about calling him and asking him to make up his stupid mind once and for all when I’m this silky smooth hairless critter ....giggle....snort.

I love you guys so much.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #59 on: April 06, 2019, 06:29:24 PM »
Today was a day of reflection and meditation listening to podcasts and TED talks about healing and letting go. The last couple of weeks had thrown me for a loop as you all witnessed.

I must find my peace and balance again. Get back to my halfway leveled existence where I don’t obsess and where I can enjoy my days.

Back to working on figuring out how I can fill the void he left so that I still feel like I am loved and that I belong. Back to focusing on me and finding acceptance in the current situation being what it is.

D asked me if H asked about her in his contacts and unfortunately he did not which broke her heart and it hurts me to see her hurting. Tomorrow is her birthday and I know he won’t remember.

She’s such a great young lady and her biological father, her grandfather and my H have all deserted her. She pretends she’s okay with it, but I can tell it hurts.
She deserves so much more.

Anyway - tomorrow a day of chores and cleaning and Thursday I will go up to University as D is getting her 4 year pin of her 5 year Master program.

I’m getting really tired of all of this mess, I wish I could turn off all my feelings for a while.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #60 on: April 06, 2019, 06:55:59 PM »

Anyway - tomorrow a day of chores and cleaning and Thursday I will go up to University as D is getting her 4 year pin of her 5 year Master program.


What a wonderful accomplishment for your D, S66.  I'm sure you are very proud of her. 

I hope the joy in the day tomorrow helps ease some of the painful days you've had this last couple weeks. 

Sending support. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Online FearNot

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #61 on: April 07, 2019, 10:59:41 AM »
Glad you got a laugh out of that S66! But you're not ugly because your hairless. You have multitude of benefits, one being that you are hypoallergenic! Which means your MLC'er isn't allergic to you... he's all screwed up because of everything else, he's allergic to life. Lol. But you my friend aren't the issue!

You're already on your way to being back on track by taking the initiative to be open to learning and acknowledging that it's time to shift your focus. I am right there with you S66. It's difficult not to get sucked into the void once in awhile, but being you're so slick now, you can slide right through, pop out the other side, easy peasy lemon squeezy. ;)

I feel for your D. I remember wanting to be acknowledged by my bio dad on those days and it's do difficult to understand that it's them, not you.

Hang in there! Hugs and prayers! FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/17

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #62 on: April 09, 2019, 10:59:43 AM »
I am feeling a little bit more settled and balanced again, but still waiting for the other shoe to drop at the same time...lol
You know how we always say 'go with your gut' - well, something is wrong with my gut because for some reason it tells me to reach out.
At the same time, I cannot reach out because I have no reason to believe that he has changed his mind about us and I am not going to be clingy and pathetic.
So, I am just hoping the feeling will pass.

Checked the weekly job postings, but nothing this week, but I am not sweating it - it would just be nice to no longer lurk.

Of course H and bio dad did not contact D on her birthday, but she still had a great day with her friends and then found out that she got a teaching scholarship awarded to her for her final year. So, Yea for her - every penny helps since going to school here in the US is just sooooo expensive.

One day at a time....
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #63 on: April 10, 2019, 02:11:10 PM »
Had a decent day - balanced, not thinking about him and then Whammo when I got in the car - 360 degree turn and can’t get him off my mind.
So just writing and rambling on here so I don’t write H.

“Dear H - Its always good to hear from you, but the recent contact has me wondering why you reached out and then stopped. Did you want to see if I hate you? Did you want to be buddies ? We’re you just lonely? Or do you want more but are afraid ?? I don’t have a clue and I hate the limbo - the maybe he changed his mind - the maybe it’s all going to be okay- the dare I hope

It all just sucks H. I wish I could move on, I wish I could be angry with you, I wish I didn’t care so damn much. It took me a year to get to a livable level of sanity after you left and this last week has brought me back down. What if we are wasting our limited days not letting the other one know how we feel? If you are happy without me, why did you search for contact ?”

Hoping this will get it out of my system so I can putter along with my day. I think I’ll head outdoors for a bit and then start packing for my weekend with D.



Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #64 on: April 10, 2019, 02:24:06 PM »
S, you did EXACTLY what you should do.

Write it out but don't send it.  We're hear to listen to you if you want to share with us.
I wrote many letters and stuff in my journal, good and bad, but to this day I am EXTREMELY glad I never sent any of it, you will be too.  But get it out.

Just hang in there and go get some fresh air.   :)

Big Hug
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #65 on: April 10, 2019, 11:58:46 PM »
Had a decent day - balanced, not thinking about him and then Whammo when I got in the car - 360 degree turn and can’t get him off my mind.
Know this feeling very well, Schratz - great that you had a decent day at all - which is progress of a kind.
Great note and the right place to put it. Hope it helped just writing it down like that.

Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #66 on: April 11, 2019, 10:55:22 AM »
Coming from the person who always manages to send those e-mails to her MLCer H, I am so happy you didn't send it too. They are mush brains.  Get it all out here.

Thing is, we know why he reached out. He wants to see if you are still there on your shelf. He is still cooking. Doing nothing is the absolute most DIFFICULT thing I have ever done. Most of us LBS are fixers. SO it is hard on most of us. You are stronger than me though. You can do this!!!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #67 on: April 11, 2019, 06:40:49 PM »
KIT,
I’ve always been a fixer and a go getter and a nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough.
So this having to surrender and not do anything goes against every fiber of my being and is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

But, another day on the books where I did nothing and resisted the urge.

Thank you all for guiding me and supporting me.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #68 on: April 12, 2019, 08:05:17 PM »
D had her completion ceremony for her undergraduate studies - it was a nice ceremony but a wee bit melancholic because it is H’s Alma Mater and he should have been here with us.

But only a moment of sadness, too much pride and happiness going around to stay down. One more year of student teaching and she will have completed her Masters in Education.
After the ceremony we went dress shopping for the formal dance tomorrow and then had a nice dinner. Great day all in all.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #69 on: April 13, 2019, 04:31:57 AM »
Ahh congrats to her :)

You are one proud momma.  ;D
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #70 on: April 13, 2019, 05:23:37 AM »
Congrats to D! What a great accomplishment!

How sad for H to have missed such a milestone. My H has missed so many in our son’s life as well. I’ve noticed it doesn’t really affect S12 all that much—he’s gotten used to Hs absence. However, I often do see what the effect will be on H if and when he comes out of his fog. It can’t be good.

I’m so happy you had a good day with your D. That is what this is all about. Treasure what we have. You are doing great. And I’m proud of you for abstaining from reaching out. It’s crazy hard I know. I personally suck at it. But you are inspiring me and I’m doing better too!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #71 on: April 13, 2019, 06:06:32 AM »
Congratulations to you and your daughter. Daughter's are wonderful and it sounds like you have a really good relationship with her.....my daughter and I are closer because of what happened, not really how I would have wanted that, but I am so glad that we are honest with one another and that she trusts me and comes to me when she needs advice....not that she follows what I have to say, but she does want to hear what I say.

Have a lovely weekend!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #72 on: April 14, 2019, 03:14:10 PM »
Back from spending the weekend - so much fun and relaxing because I only thought about H twice and then briefly. Of course that was short lived because the three hour drive home provided plenty of overthinking. I just want to pick up the phone and call H and tell him all about her accomplishments and her summerwork. But I am not going to because he has not once asked about her in almost two years.
Xy- my D and I have always been close since we had never any other family but the two of us until I met H and his family, which welcomed us but also dropped us again at BD.
I just feel terrible for her that she doesn’t have a male role model or a male relative that she could look up to or confide in. It makes me so sad. She never knew the amazing safe feeling one gets when you’re at grandma’s house. Can’t change it but she’s super aware that nobody ever sticks around.

Back to work tomorrow- and sitting on my hands again tonight to not reach out.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #73 on: April 15, 2019, 01:42:29 PM »
But I am not going to because he has not once asked about her in almost two years.
 

Breaks my heart! Not that it excuses anything, but I think it shows how much they are in crisis when they have done a complete 180 from the person they used to be. It helps me to think of my H as being mentally ill sometimes b/c then I know not to take it personally. A "trick" if you will, in the ever-elusive detachment quest.

I am so happy you had a good weekend with your D. Sharing the good things with our H's is a hard habit to break isn't it? That alone makes us sad too.  But of course what a huge blessing your D is. I read on Acorn's thread earlier about "Counting your Blessings" being a verb. That we shouldn't just count them, but actively cherish them. You going to your D's ceremony and enjoying the moments is doing exactly that. You may not feel it yet, but these are the kind of things that, little by little, help us to heal.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #74 on: April 15, 2019, 02:08:01 PM »
Thank you KiT for your kind words.
How do you do it ? And XY how have you done it for so many years ?
This limbo is breaking me into smithereens - I just want to do something but there’s nothing I can do to fix it or hurry it along - he might never return.
This is pushing me to the edge and I don’t know what else to do to get through this. At almost two years I shouldn’t be this fragile and crazy and impatient any more. I’m just so tired of the constant pain and I don’t know how to stop it.

Even if I did reach out to him, I would either get the answer that he’s sure we are over which would destroy me or I would get maybe a brief I’m not sure which would just keep me in this nightmare.

And I can’t just walk away because I love that man and I want him in my life

Why did he have to be friendly and chatty last week ? And then just vanish again ? Doesn’t he know what that does ? That glimmer of hope completely tore me apart

Why can’t I detach ?  This is torture.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #75 on: April 15, 2019, 05:02:35 PM »
How do you do it?

Fixate on something else. Take up a hobby, go back to college, start a scrap book...Do ANYTHING that keeps you busy...

Then it will be easier.

The back and forth used to bother me a lot. I would sit up wondering what everything meant, was it a sign...you know the drill.

Then I just started answering everything with ''it doesn't matter because he isn't here'' or ''because he is crazy''.

Then I dove head first into the kids, into the house, into my study, into games (or tv for normal folk). Anything that keeps your mind busy works.

After that...you really gotta believe...deep down in your soul...that things will work out for you. Either way. If he comes back, or if he doesn't...YOU are gonna be okay with or without him. In fact if he doesn't come back it is HIS loss..not yours...because either way..in 5 years time YOU will be happy. Period.

Don't just say it.

Believe it in your bones.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #76 on: April 15, 2019, 10:47:37 PM »
You know, i think you're doing better than you think. You've thought of contacting him but know it won't work so you haven't. You're venting here, which is the right place for it. You're doing things with your lovely D.
It's so hard. I hear you. You're going to be ok, S. You really are. Some great ideas from Morte too.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #77 on: April 16, 2019, 06:38:52 AM »
Even if you don't feel it, I see change in you. Asking these questions is really healthy. You are recognizing and being true to your own feelings.

If the situation was the opposite of the grief we feel, if instead, this was the best time of your life and everything you every wanted was happening...your feelings of joy, happiness, your energy level would be bubbling over and you wouldn't think about trying to shut them off..but yes, those are "good feelings" not the "bad ones" that cause us crashing to the floor...yet both are our true feelings about our lives and someone we love deeply.

Quote
How do you do it ? And XY how have you done it for so many years ?


I love him deeply. I believe that he is in a crisis and that he's experiencing deep pain. This wasn't my fault, but I also believe that it wasn't his fault either.....something happened. Something that is hard to find a reason for.

Our biochemistry is intricate. I discovered something yesterday about myself. I have experienced migraine headaches for 34 years and often after the headache is over, I feel as though I have a hangover..I had a migraine on Sunday and yesterday was awful. I was foggy, achy, my stomach hurt and depressed..crying like I have not done for a long time..and I goggled some of the symptoms I was experiencing and learned that there is a stage after the headache is over called "Postdrome"...as much as I knew about migraines....I never connected the dots....biochemically, migraines are connected to neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine..I was astonished that the anxiety and depression I was feeling wasn't because somehow I wasn't healed from the trauma of his crisis (I tend to blame my depression and anxiety on his crisis)..no, actually, my own physiology was the cause for my depression and anxiety post migraine headache.

So, this confirms to me something about his crisis......on a biochemical level, many of the "symptoms" of MLC are being driven by things at a molecular level, especially since depression seems to be a big part of their crisis.

All this to say, that this helps me a great deal...knowing that he didn't leave me, he didn't stop loving me....there is something more than this that is going on.


Quote
This limbo is breaking me into smithereens - I just want to do something but there’s nothing I can do to fix it or hurry it along - he might never return.
This is pushing me to the edge and I don’t know what else to do to get through this. At almost two years I shouldn’t be this fragile and crazy and impatient any more. I’m just so tired of the constant pain and I don’t know how to stop it.

2 years, seems like forever and getting rid of the pain, even for a day or so would certainly feel good. It took the mind/body therapy I was in to change the neural pathways that had developed because of the trauma. But I had to live through the pain first..and there will always be remnants of it.

Quote
And I can’t just walk away because I love that man and I want him in my life

Acceptance. I still love him too. I didn't stop loving him because he left our family. I can live with that, knowing that he must go through this..when they say they have to leave or they will die, they truly feel that way.

Quote
Why did he have to be friendly and chatty last week ? And then just vanish again ? Doesn’t he know what that does ? That glimmer of hope completely tore me apart

Why can’t I detach ?  This is torture.

I don't think they have a clue as to how that hurts us. Some LBSers find that no contact is better for them..because it doesn't tear off the scab of their wound. If you allow contact, it is a very hard line..I would be lying if I said that contact doesn't affect me, it used to be for days after..and I would dissect every word he said, every small action....I still allow his contact, and respond to him...because somewhere inside him, his heart is still there.....

Prayers, both mine and other's allow me to walk forward, knowing as you said...he may never come back.

((((HUGS)))) to you.....I hope you find some peace today.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 06:41:50 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #78 on: April 17, 2019, 05:56:15 AM »
Thank you Mort, XY and Music for picking me back up.
Honestly I haven't had a mini meltdown like this in over a year.
Sobbed in the shower last night like I haven't done in a long, long time. I cried for what was, I cried for what is, I cried for what could be and I cried because I miss him so dearly.

And as I cried and asked God to please, please ease this pain and help me through this - I realized that about three weeks ago I asked God one night to either give me a sign that he will come back or to help me let go because this is just killing me. Maybe all this contact was a sign from God - then again, maybe I am just losing my mind.
Why now I asked - after keeping it together for the last year - why did I fall apart now ?
Because I have felt in my gut that he has shifted - it started last fall and something has changed for him - I could tell in his contacts and I felt it in my gut.
The same gut that knew something was wrong 3 weeks prior to BD - even when he assured me all was well.

How do we know if it's your intuition which I firmly believe or if it's fantasy dream world talking ?

And I figured out what it is that I miss so terribly. For one human interaction of course - human touch is so important and I do not have that at all right now and secondly knowing that somebody was on your side no matter what. I miss that feeling and I miss his eyes and his smile....never mind.....not going down that road.

I am feeling a bit better today and keep repeating "Surrender" to myself. I must surrender to God and the Universe to take care of this and I must trust this. This is too heavy of a burden for me to keep carrying - it is destroying me.




Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #79 on: April 17, 2019, 06:06:21 AM »
66
I'm so sorry. But what you said, just let God have it!! All you do. Your next meltdown will be even longer before it comes. I wish I could say , it won't come again, but I still have them. But you will recover sooner than a year ago. Just hang in there and keep on going. Your doing good 66. It's hard to feel that you are sometimes, but you are.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #80 on: April 17, 2019, 06:31:36 AM »
Dearest 66
I truly have found we let go and grieve in layers.
Maybe that is bc it is too much to do all at once. Idk.
Trust - from my mouth if not yours - that these waves do pass, horrible as they are.
Let God pick up the load as you say and if you don't know what to pray for, just silently ask him to carry what you can't alone right now. Like the other handle of a shopping basket when you were a kid.
And how do we know if our intuition is right or delusional? Or if we should listen to it?
Be still. Don't chew at it. Give it space and time so God can whisper and you can hear him.
I remember how you were when you first posted, 66. Your heart was bleeding. You have come such a long way, truly you have. And from someone a bit further along whose heart bled too, please trust me that both you and me will be ok xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #81 on: April 17, 2019, 06:48:31 AM »
Schratz, im so sorry for your meltdown. Crying in the shower, we have all done that I bet, I know I have though ist been a while.
Getting through this mess is different for everybody, i had to drop the rope completely or I would have went mad. XW was literally killing me.
I was fortunate enough to have met K shortly after, we were both in similar situations and nowhere near healed but we picked each other up as friends. What started out as a friendship has turned into something completely different which is a different Story and NOT what I am suggesting to you but she did help me "get over" the pain. I have no idea what state I would be in now if it wasnt for her, I will be eternally thankful for her being there for me.
I know, External help, bandaids and $h!te but it helped ME.

You will be fine Schratz, you have come along way. Limbo wont last forever.
Buy a Guitar and learn how to Play then you can rock loudly out in front of the miror  :D, that helps
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #82 on: April 17, 2019, 06:57:44 AM »
I had a dream the other night, which is an unusual occurance for me.  At least, the memory of dreaming is unusual.  I've had three dreams in the last two years that I remember.   Anyway, the content of the dream was/is fuzzy, but I distinctly remember at the end that I was wrestling with a much larger man.  He had overpowered me and had me pinned to the ground.  It may have represented a life and death struggle, but I'm not too sure.  The important part was this: as I struggled against that superior force, I relaxed and said "God, take this burden from me." In the dream!  I said it several times; a phrase I dont believe I've ever uttered in my life. When I awoke with a start, the words were echoing in my head.  I repeated them immediately,  to make the request solid and real.  I said them several times again that day.  That was Sunday, and I've made the request at least once each day since.  I've also shared with several friends in RL, because I felt it was important.   I share it with you, now, 66.  Its definitely brought some much needed "lightness" to my heavily burdened heart the last few days.
M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #83 on: April 17, 2019, 07:58:13 AM »
S, I think this has everything to do with you feeling that shift in your H.
I led to expectations.

When you can get to a point where feeling those shifts but acknowledging them with a grain of salt, not allowing yourself to have expectations he is moving towards you, you will no longer have these horrible melt downs.

"Oh seems like a little movement here, guess we'll see.  Not getting excited about anything because I could be wrong."

Because you never know what is in his head.  You will only see it in hindsight.

For now put it in God's hands.  Let him deal with your H.
Imagine God putting his hands out to you and you putting your H right in his hands.  Let him carry your burden for you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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