Author Topic: My Story Muddled Mind  (Read 2371 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2019, 04:09:44 AM »
I think it's quite normal to still feel that connection, I actually think they do too, but they don't act on it until they are out of their crisis.

There is just no way, in my opinion, that you can spend years with your spouse and forget them and all the memories.  They may not have the courage to return, but they don't just forget years of their life.

Did you give your little squirrel friend a name?   :)

Hugs, S.
Good luck with the job.  Let us know if you get it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2019, 10:41:41 AM »
Thank you all for tagging along.

I watched a video by Iyanla Vanzant about not being able to let go and she says that when we cannot let go, there is something that we think we get from the other person that we cannot get from ourselves. That got me thinking. What is it that H gave me that I do not get from myself - I came up with two things.
One, for the first time in my life I felt truly loved and valued and therefor worthy - do I feel worthy just being me ? If I am brutally honest - no I do not. No matter how many friends tell me that I am this and that and logically I know that I am a great person, beautiful, smart and all that, but my soul doesn't believe it. Clearly something I need to work on

The second item was that for once in my life I actually felt that I belonged - that I was 'home"  -- not sure how to achieve that one on my own - again something to explore.

The other thing Iyanla mentioned was Why would you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you ? And to answer that one, one has to arrive at the accepting stage and I am not sure I can handle accepting the fact that H just does not want to be with me - hopefully sooner than later I will be able to accept that.

But I did have some good days this week - being able to go out and work in the yard does wonders for the soul and even just sitting outside in the sunshine reading a book feels very peaceful and good for the soul.

Haven't heard about the job I applied for, but I am still hopeful to at least get an interview. I do believe getting away from this work building would be such a huge step in acceptance - because no matter how good of a weekend I have, when I pull in and see his car first thing - the car that used to park next to mine for years, the car that OW has sat in - it just always brings me right back down.


Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Thunder

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2019, 11:11:46 AM »
Wow lot's of powerful inner work for you to do.
You came up with some really good things to figure out.

I love it!   :)

S, I'll say a prayer (and cross my fingers and toes) you get that job.  I so agree it would be like a small torture to have to see his car every day.

Hugs 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Evermore

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2019, 03:47:53 PM »
I watched a video by Iyanla Vanzant about not being able to let go and she says that when we cannot let go, there is something that we think we get from the other person that we cannot get from ourselves. That got me thinking. What is it that H gave me that I do not get from myself - I came up with two things.
One, for the first time in my life I felt truly loved and valued and therefor worthy - do I feel worthy just being me ? If I am brutally honest - no I do not. No matter how many friends tell me that I am this and that and logically I know that I am a great person, beautiful, smart and all that, but my soul doesn't believe it. Clearly something I need to work on

The second item was that for once in my life I actually felt that I belonged - that I was 'home"  -- not sure how to achieve that one on my own - again something to explore.

The other thing Iyanla mentioned was Why would you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you ? And to answer that one, one has to arrive at the accepting stage and I am not sure I can handle accepting the fact that H just does not want to be with me - hopefully sooner than later I will be able to accept that.

Thank you so much for this. I’m struggling with these things right now and this really helps open up new thoughts.

Crossing fingers for you about the job!
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Online megogirl

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2019, 04:15:04 PM »
I think it's quite normal to still feel that connection, I actually think they do too, but they don't act on it until they are out of their crisis.

There is just no way, in my opinion, that you can spend years with your spouse and forget them and all the memories.  They may not have the courage to return, but they don't just forget years of their life.


I don't think that's just your opinion, thunder.  I think that is a fact.

Because unless you have amnesia, there is too much history with one's spouse to all just vanish into thin air, and to pretend that history is just "OVER" is illogical. 

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #15 on: March 25, 2019, 06:31:23 PM »
Ugh - I should have known. Just as I level out a wee bit - here comes another contact.
To let me know that another one of his mothers cats passed away. Then in another sentence: If you’d rather not talk to me I understand.

What the heck is that supposed to mean ??? Where would that even come from ? I’ve always replied to any contact and have been kind but understated as to not scare him.

I feel like vomiting right now.

Here is what I responded- right or wrong:
 
I’m so sorry to hear about the cat. Sure seems like it’s one hit after the next. I am not sure why you would think that I wouldn’t want to talk to you. I said I would always be there and I meant it.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #16 on: March 25, 2019, 06:45:07 PM »
Great response S66.

He's not completely blind to what he has done...thus he asks a question that is in his thoughts...maybe she doesn't want to talk to me?
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #17 on: March 25, 2019, 11:53:07 PM »
I thought it was a lovely reply too, Schratz. You responded to him like you'd hope to be treated yourself - with kindness and compassion.

I've also had to work with/park next to H and I fully understand how that makes you feel. Urgh. Good luck with the job.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Online Treasur

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #18 on: March 26, 2019, 12:01:59 AM »
Perfect response, 66. No pursuing, short but also gracious and truthful. You can't do more than that and you can't govern what they think or don't.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Whyus

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #19 on: March 26, 2019, 12:03:47 AM »
Greta Response Schratz, just short and to the Point.
I really hope that you get that Job, I couldnt imagine having XW here at the workplace  ???
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

 

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