Author Topic: My Story Muddled Mind  (Read 2374 times)

Online KeepItTogether

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My Story Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #70 on: April 13, 2019, 05:23:37 AM »
Congrats to D! What a great accomplishment!

How sad for H to have missed such a milestone. My H has missed so many in our son’s life as well. I’ve noticed it doesn’t really affect S12 all that much—he’s gotten used to Hs absence. However, I often do see what the effect will be on H if and when he comes out of his fog. It can’t be good.

I’m so happy you had a good day with your D. That is what this is all about. Treasure what we have. You are doing great. And I’m proud of you for abstaining from reaching out. It’s crazy hard I know. I personally suck at it. But you are inspiring me and I’m doing better too!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #71 on: April 13, 2019, 06:06:32 AM »
Congratulations to you and your daughter. Daughter's are wonderful and it sounds like you have a really good relationship with her.....my daughter and I are closer because of what happened, not really how I would have wanted that, but I am so glad that we are honest with one another and that she trusts me and comes to me when she needs advice....not that she follows what I have to say, but she does want to hear what I say.

Have a lovely weekend!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #72 on: April 14, 2019, 03:14:10 PM »
Back from spending the weekend - so much fun and relaxing because I only thought about H twice and then briefly. Of course that was short lived because the three hour drive home provided plenty of overthinking. I just want to pick up the phone and call H and tell him all about her accomplishments and her summerwork. But I am not going to because he has not once asked about her in almost two years.
Xy- my D and I have always been close since we had never any other family but the two of us until I met H and his family, which welcomed us but also dropped us again at BD.
I just feel terrible for her that she doesn’t have a male role model or a male relative that she could look up to or confide in. It makes me so sad. She never knew the amazing safe feeling one gets when you’re at grandma’s house. Can’t change it but she’s super aware that nobody ever sticks around.

Back to work tomorrow- and sitting on my hands again tonight to not reach out.

Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #73 on: April 15, 2019, 01:42:29 PM »
But I am not going to because he has not once asked about her in almost two years.
 

Breaks my heart! Not that it excuses anything, but I think it shows how much they are in crisis when they have done a complete 180 from the person they used to be. It helps me to think of my H as being mentally ill sometimes b/c then I know not to take it personally. A "trick" if you will, in the ever-elusive detachment quest.

I am so happy you had a good weekend with your D. Sharing the good things with our H's is a hard habit to break isn't it? That alone makes us sad too.  But of course what a huge blessing your D is. I read on Acorn's thread earlier about "Counting your Blessings" being a verb. That we shouldn't just count them, but actively cherish them. You going to your D's ceremony and enjoying the moments is doing exactly that. You may not feel it yet, but these are the kind of things that, little by little, help us to heal.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #74 on: April 15, 2019, 02:08:01 PM »
Thank you KiT for your kind words.
How do you do it ? And XY how have you done it for so many years ?
This limbo is breaking me into smithereens - I just want to do something but there’s nothing I can do to fix it or hurry it along - he might never return.
This is pushing me to the edge and I don’t know what else to do to get through this. At almost two years I shouldn’t be this fragile and crazy and impatient any more. I’m just so tired of the constant pain and I don’t know how to stop it.

Even if I did reach out to him, I would either get the answer that he’s sure we are over which would destroy me or I would get maybe a brief I’m not sure which would just keep me in this nightmare.

And I can’t just walk away because I love that man and I want him in my life

Why did he have to be friendly and chatty last week ? And then just vanish again ? Doesn’t he know what that does ? That glimmer of hope completely tore me apart

Why can’t I detach ?  This is torture.
Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #75 on: April 15, 2019, 05:02:35 PM »
How do you do it?

Fixate on something else. Take up a hobby, go back to college, start a scrap book...Do ANYTHING that keeps you busy...

Then it will be easier.

The back and forth used to bother me a lot. I would sit up wondering what everything meant, was it a sign...you know the drill.

Then I just started answering everything with ''it doesn't matter because he isn't here'' or ''because he is crazy''.

Then I dove head first into the kids, into the house, into my study, into games (or tv for normal folk). Anything that keeps your mind busy works.

After that...you really gotta believe...deep down in your soul...that things will work out for you. Either way. If he comes back, or if he doesn't...YOU are gonna be okay with or without him. In fact if he doesn't come back it is HIS loss..not yours...because either way..in 5 years time YOU will be happy. Period.

Don't just say it.

Believe it in your bones.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Music45

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #76 on: April 15, 2019, 10:47:37 PM »
You know, i think you're doing better than you think. You've thought of contacting him but know it won't work so you haven't. You're venting here, which is the right place for it. You're doing things with your lovely D.
It's so hard. I hear you. You're going to be ok, S. You really are. Some great ideas from Morte too.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #77 on: April 16, 2019, 06:38:52 AM »
Even if you don't feel it, I see change in you. Asking these questions is really healthy. You are recognizing and being true to your own feelings.

If the situation was the opposite of the grief we feel, if instead, this was the best time of your life and everything you every wanted was happening...your feelings of joy, happiness, your energy level would be bubbling over and you wouldn't think about trying to shut them off..but yes, those are "good feelings" not the "bad ones" that cause us crashing to the floor...yet both are our true feelings about our lives and someone we love deeply.

Quote
How do you do it ? And XY how have you done it for so many years ?


I love him deeply. I believe that he is in a crisis and that he's experiencing deep pain. This wasn't my fault, but I also believe that it wasn't his fault either.....something happened. Something that is hard to find a reason for.

Our biochemistry is intricate. I discovered something yesterday about myself. I have experienced migraine headaches for 34 years and often after the headache is over, I feel as though I have a hangover..I had a migraine on Sunday and yesterday was awful. I was foggy, achy, my stomach hurt and depressed..crying like I have not done for a long time..and I goggled some of the symptoms I was experiencing and learned that there is a stage after the headache is over called "Postdrome"...as much as I knew about migraines....I never connected the dots....biochemically, migraines are connected to neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine..I was astonished that the anxiety and depression I was feeling wasn't because somehow I wasn't healed from the trauma of his crisis (I tend to blame my depression and anxiety on his crisis)..no, actually, my own physiology was the cause for my depression and anxiety post migraine headache.

So, this confirms to me something about his crisis......on a biochemical level, many of the "symptoms" of MLC are being driven by things at a molecular level, especially since depression seems to be a big part of their crisis.

All this to say, that this helps me a great deal...knowing that he didn't leave me, he didn't stop loving me....there is something more than this that is going on.


Quote
This limbo is breaking me into smithereens - I just want to do something but there’s nothing I can do to fix it or hurry it along - he might never return.
This is pushing me to the edge and I don’t know what else to do to get through this. At almost two years I shouldn’t be this fragile and crazy and impatient any more. I’m just so tired of the constant pain and I don’t know how to stop it.

2 years, seems like forever and getting rid of the pain, even for a day or so would certainly feel good. It took the mind/body therapy I was in to change the neural pathways that had developed because of the trauma. But I had to live through the pain first..and there will always be remnants of it.

Quote
And I can’t just walk away because I love that man and I want him in my life

Acceptance. I still love him too. I didn't stop loving him because he left our family. I can live with that, knowing that he must go through this..when they say they have to leave or they will die, they truly feel that way.

Quote
Why did he have to be friendly and chatty last week ? And then just vanish again ? Doesn’t he know what that does ? That glimmer of hope completely tore me apart

Why can’t I detach ?  This is torture.

I don't think they have a clue as to how that hurts us. Some LBSers find that no contact is better for them..because it doesn't tear off the scab of their wound. If you allow contact, it is a very hard line..I would be lying if I said that contact doesn't affect me, it used to be for days after..and I would dissect every word he said, every small action....I still allow his contact, and respond to him...because somewhere inside him, his heart is still there.....

Prayers, both mine and other's allow me to walk forward, knowing as you said...he may never come back.

((((HUGS)))) to you.....I hope you find some peace today.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2019, 06:41:50 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #78 on: April 17, 2019, 05:56:15 AM »
Thank you Mort, XY and Music for picking me back up.
Honestly I haven't had a mini meltdown like this in over a year.
Sobbed in the shower last night like I haven't done in a long, long time. I cried for what was, I cried for what is, I cried for what could be and I cried because I miss him so dearly.

And as I cried and asked God to please, please ease this pain and help me through this - I realized that about three weeks ago I asked God one night to either give me a sign that he will come back or to help me let go because this is just killing me. Maybe all this contact was a sign from God - then again, maybe I am just losing my mind.
Why now I asked - after keeping it together for the last year - why did I fall apart now ?
Because I have felt in my gut that he has shifted - it started last fall and something has changed for him - I could tell in his contacts and I felt it in my gut.
The same gut that knew something was wrong 3 weeks prior to BD - even when he assured me all was well.

How do we know if it's your intuition which I firmly believe or if it's fantasy dream world talking ?

And I figured out what it is that I miss so terribly. For one human interaction of course - human touch is so important and I do not have that at all right now and secondly knowing that somebody was on your side no matter what. I miss that feeling and I miss his eyes and his smile....never mind.....not going down that road.

I am feeling a bit better today and keep repeating "Surrender" to myself. I must surrender to God and the Universe to take care of this and I must trust this. This is too heavy of a burden for me to keep carrying - it is destroying me.




Me 50
H 49
AD 20 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Muddled Mind
« Reply #79 on: April 17, 2019, 06:06:21 AM »
66
I'm so sorry. But what you said, just let God have it!! All you do. Your next meltdown will be even longer before it comes. I wish I could say , it won't come again, but I still have them. But you will recover sooner than a year ago. Just hang in there and keep on going. Your doing good 66. It's hard to feel that you are sometimes, but you are.

 

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