Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3  (Read 1587 times)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:32:44 AM »
link to my previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8589.0

Things are going well with my H.  Friends of ours asked us to go as a family on spring break and H said yes....he is closing his office, paid the $3k for the rental property and we leave on Saturday for Florida.  A week away from it all!  Honestly aside from his family's big beach vacation we go on every June....H has NEVER taken off extended time EVER in all the 22 years of our marriage to go on a vacation.  Early on it was money related, but honestly as time went on I don't think it was a priority to spend time with me or with his family.  It is so nice to have that now....it's been a long time coming!  I think about it all and I think back to how he was raised.  What his parents priorities were.  His dad really never did or still doesn't spend much time with his mom.  Sure they have been married for 52 years but really they are more irritable roommates more than husband and wife.  Crazy how much your childhood influences what you do as an adult.

But I am looking forward to this trip.  Sitting on the beach, no alarm clocks, we have a pool at the house we are renting, I picked up two of my future book club books to get reading....I am packing lots of yummy snacks and plan on making bloody marys to start the day off right!  LOL  Wish us safe travel and some nice sunny days!!!!  It's so nice to feel happy and looking forward to time together!

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2019, 01:43:37 PM »
Lovely J, hope you have a great time. You’re right about modelling, we don’t learn how to be married, except from watching our parents, no wonder things can go awry 😕
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2019, 02:27:31 PM »
I hope you have a lovely holiday.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2019, 03:47:23 PM »
Jo--I am so happy for you both. Have a wonderful time with H. A new tradition it seems. And a very good one. I shall pray for sunny skies throughout the duration!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2019, 05:08:27 AM »
JoJoJo must admit I haven't read your story but I'm a sucker for purple.

The wise LBS always tell us to watch for their actions. I didn't always understand what that meant.  Your post made it crystal clear what ACTIONS on their part looks like. 

Along for the ride and so happy for you.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2019, 11:30:16 AM »
Home from a week away at the beach!  We had a fun time...adults and kids.  Got a bit of sun.  Played cards, walked up to a beach front bar for drinks and fried cheese bites!  We rented bikes and rode around the island.  It was relaxing and a nice getaway.  Now back to reality.....I am a teacher so we are at the end of our school year....the countdown begins.  We are also starting the end of the year testing so really real school work is done.....wrapping things up. 

H is planning his 50th birthday "guys' trip" to Nashville and Louisville....music, craft beer and then heading on distillery tours on the bourbon trail.  It bothers me that he picks a trip like that.....make me feel like given the choice, he'd rather be with the guys and not with me.  I mean my 50th is in October.  He could have planned a nice trip for the two of us....but instead it's like this recapture your youth hanging with the guys.  I don't know.  I brought it up after a few drinks on vacation.  He thinks we need to discuss this in our next therapy session.  It's just I see so many changes in him, he has come back from the selfish jerk place he was living during MLC but....then this trip is planned and it just reminds me.  I see glimpses of that ugly attitude.  I don't know.  It bothers me. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2019, 11:44:06 AM »
Totally normal to be triggered by what may be construed as a replay activity. I get it. But I think it is very positive that H wants to discuss it in therapy.  I for one, always took girls trips. I stink girls/guys trips are actually quite healthy. However,  in this scenario I can see how you would feel left out again. But maybe there is an opportunity to also celebrate his 50th as a couple in addition to this guys trip.

Anyway, what I see as important here is that you communicate how this makes you feel and why. I am sure there is still some amount of self-centeredness in his not-quite-fully-cooked MLCer brain and likely has no idea that this could possibly impact you at all.

Remember, it takes time to re-build what has  been completely destroyed. Time, patience and baby steps.

Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2019, 02:32:47 PM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline strawberry

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2019, 04:03:10 PM »
How do you feel about waiting to talk with your counselor about it?  It’s totally normal to feel the way you do and you should be able to bring it up.  Back when I was being gaslit though, “let’s talk about that with our therapist” was code for, you are overreacting and I will have our MC tell you so.  Turns out, I was rarely over reacting but he got her to tell me so every single time.
H: 44
M: 45
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2019, 06:17:39 PM »
Quote
he has come back from the selfish jerk place he was living during MLC but....then this trip is planned and it just reminds me.  I see glimpses of that ugly attitude.  I don't know.  It bothers me. 
.

I think it is important to accept that "reminders" and triggers will be with us ...forever. I believe that 100%. Whenever we remember our life or look back at our history , this will forever be part of our memories . We cannot just take a pair of scissors and cut out this particular time frame. And it changed us . It was gutwretching painfull. So given all of that...how could you NOT feel "uncomfortable" about what appears to be "maybe" the actions of a "selfish jerk".  I believe it is a good idea to talk about it in therapy, we frequently take issues to our therapist. What I do see in you that is remarkable is "responding" and not so much reactivity and I am standing an applauding. It seems wise and calm on your part. I STILL can be extremely reactive ...STILL! .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2019, 07:27:57 AM »
KIT...you are right, time is the key!

And honestly his self-centeredness is nothing new.  It went sky high during his MLC and the affair but it was always part of him.  I think it is how he was raised, to make himself happy....his parents never stressed that you do for others....and an example of this in 1998, we had our first baby, literally two weeks before Thanksgiving, his parents come to town and we are going to his aunt's country club for Thanksgiving dinner.  Aunt invites H and his brother and his sister to come play tennis at the club before dinner.  We have a brand new baby and this is actually my FIRST real outing with a newborn and I am breastfeeding.  I know I am going to have to breastfeed in public and I am nervous....instead of telling his family no, he goes!  He says his mom will come "help me out with the baby".  Well his mom is a lovely woman but she is flaky, she brings my sister-in-law who was 6 months pregnant and my 3 year old niece.  I adore these people BUT I am a new mom, who is still bleeding into those big huge post pregnancy pads, with sore not used to breastfeeding boobs, and now I have a tiny apartment full of guests (we lived in a 710 square foot one bedroom apartment) and I have to pack up the baby, get myself together, etc....  I was a emotional mess but trying to keep my sh*t together when I see him at dinner....and he is 100% clueless! 
I do see that now he works at trying to think of me, to put me and the kids first, but it really doesn't seem to come naturally to him.  Actually now that I think of it, it is sad for him.....I like that generous giving side of myself and it feels better to be helpful to someone else than to be selfish....

Strawberry- I think H genuinely wants us to have productive discussions in a controlled environment.  When I was being gaslit he would just turn everything around on me.  I was the one who had problems, it was MY PERSONALITY....he didn't want to talk at ALL in therapy.  It was a mess!  And he is right, we don't need to discuss our troubles when we are drinking and when I am at a crazy emotional high.

Barbie-  I appreciate you pointing out my positives.  I don't often feel positive about myself.  I do see that reactive stuff coming out when I am drinking.  I need to stop after a two drinks....that would make things better for me.

So yesterday here at work a co-worker confided in me that she had a conversation with her sister-in-law who is trying to cope with an affair and staying in her marriage.  She was saying how she feels like her sister-in-law is obsessing about things and how she doesn't know how to help her.  She was asking about the couples therapist we see but they live too far away.  It just really pulled at my heart strings.  I know my co-worker is awesome, but I also know she just doesn't "get it" so she isn't equipped to help her sister-in-law.  I referred this forum as a place to send her sister-in-law to find people who understand her feelings.  I just HATE that any of us need to be here,  this brings out anger in me.  I really felt tears welling up in my eyes for a complete stranger.  Ok I can feel myself gritting my teeth and my leg starts to bounce as a reaction even as I type this.  I will NEVER understand what these MLC do to the people they love, what they do to themselves.  My co-worker was describing her brother-in-law (the cheater) and had a disgusted look on her face and that is HIS legacy.  She said it was so out of character for this man she knew for years....they have no idea...  dumba$$es! 
Ugh!  Thanks for reading this far....

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2019, 12:06:37 PM »
Therapy was very productive yesterday.  H is so open to admitting his weaknesses and not playing the blame game anymore....it isn't all about my personality and what I do or don't do.

He seems invested in US....and how we communicate.  He has been sharing his feelings, talking about his past and where he thinks his issues come from....this is the man who very bluntly told me years ago exactly what he would and wouldn't discuss with me. 

I feel like I am in a new relationship with the man I have been married to for 22 years....
I wish we could have had our relationship mature without the pain and heartache we went through but....maybe that is just the path we were meant to take?
Just happy the way things are going.....



Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2019, 01:38:43 PM »
It all seems very positive steps jo! The only thing I can reallt say is I do really believe that everything happens for a reason and unfortunately the journey isn’t always pretty but the destination is worth it.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2019, 04:26:39 PM »
I am so glad you are finding the good from this situation.

Sometimes growth can only come from pain.

Little consolation in the early days perhaps, but...maybe easier to understand at your stage? :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2019, 07:30:55 AM »
sachat and mortes.....I think the only way to stay sane and to not feel punished by God or the universe or whatever you believe in is to look for the good that comes from bad situations.  Without bad times, can you really appreciate the good things in life?  Well of course after going through H*LL I choose to say NOPE....those bad times help me feel happy about the good things! 

So positive step in H communicating and taking me and my feelings in consideration today....
I was leaving for work and he said he has the last night of this study club series he has been going to for professional growth and development.  He wanted me to know that the class asked that you bring one member of your staff tonight, specifically someone who deals with patient scheduling or patient money collections.  He asked his new front desk/office manager to attend.  He made the point that they will drive their own vehicles, no sharing a ride to the location, he will leave and come straight home after the meeting, no going out for dinner or drinks after to discuss what they just learned in the study group.  He said he wanted to assure me that he is keeping his relationship 100% professional. 

It meant a lot to me that he is thinking to safeguard our relationship.  In years past when I felt he was too loosey goosey with his office manager who eventually became the OW he would laugh it off....he felt he was in control and I was just trying to be bossy. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2019, 08:18:19 AM »
I 100% agree. You’ve got to find the silver linings of the clouds. Heck some days I’m so happy for the friends I have now, which I wouldn’t have had had BD not happened and I’m almost *almost* thankful for MLC.

It’s great your H is making these progresses but even better that he’s doing it without being asked!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2019, 06:31:16 AM »
Update...
So we did our Retrouvaille weekend in June and now we are halfway through our follow up sessions.  Have done 3 of the 6 follow ups.  H is fully committed and getting up on Saturday mornings at 7:30 to drive 35 minutes with no complaints or even hesitation.  So much emotional connection in Retrouvaille, sharing your feelings and trying to understand your spouse’s feelings they share.  It’s been good...hard work but overall good.  Wish we had been mature enough to do this years ago!  But glad we are doing it now!  It does stir up unsettling feelings though.  Last week was about forgiveness and after we went to the hospital to visit an employee of H who is battling cancer.  This employee was the person who when it all came out was the one and only person to SEE H and the other woman together....she walked in on an intimate situation at the office.  He told me after it happened he asked her “What are you going to do?” and she said “Nothing, it’s none of my business.”  Knowing what she saw and said, knowing if she had blew it all up I could have been spared years of emotional pain and then sitting there in the hospital being a comfort to her during her toughest time spun my emotions into a mess!  Sunday I cried and cried and cried....just couldn’t get a grip!  H almost gets angry with me saying I shouldn’t be angry with anyone but him.  It’s all so complicated and he won’t ever understand.  I appreciate he wants to protect innocent people that got dragged into the crazy situation he is responsible for but...it sucks all around and I resent being told what I should feel by the number one person who put me in this horrific situation!

Anyway that’s an update and if you are reconnecting with your spouse and you both want to make your marriage better and a priority I suggest Retrouvaille.  It is Catholic based but very little religious references...it’s about communication and making your marriage stronger.  No one is turned away due to cost... and while it is HARD work emotionally...so worth it!

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2019, 02:21:21 PM »
Thank you for the update, Jojo.

Happy to know that despite not being easy things keep improving.

H almost gets angry with me saying I shouldn’t be angry with anyone but him. 

He is kind of right, isn't he? It is all on him.

As for the employee, I would do/say what she did/said. It is none of my business. Why do you think if she told you it would spare you years of emotional pain? I received an anonymous phone call telling me about Mr J and OW1. It didn't made a difference. And I had been certain that there was someone else for a couple of months.

In my view, the blow would be the same and there would be equally nothing we could do because there isn't a thing we can do about MLC. Now, what I think would had been different, at least in terms or truth and loyalty, was for Mr J to tell me, rather than lie.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #18 on: July 25, 2019, 09:56:59 AM »
I disagree.

While it isn't her fault he was doing what he was doing...she kept important information from you. Without that information you were no longer able to make an informed choice.

Would her telling you have changed anything? Maybe.

But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.

Your relationship 'wasn't her business' but that is a coward conflict avoidant move if I ever saw one. It isn't fair to keep your mouth shut when someone is being kept in the dark about something so important.

For all she knew you could have contracted a disease or anything because she kept her mouth shut.

You have every right to be mad at her for what SHE did. And that was keeping you in the dark.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2019, 11:19:40 AM »
I was told by a friend, that she saw my husband in a gift shop with another woman..of a certain nationality which is the same as the nationality of his OW. It was in a town close by, a place that is lovely and quaint, a place I stay away from..years later, the street he was on with her, the image of them looking at stuff in the gift shop together still invades my mind. Such a shame, it is a delightful town. I would like to go there to browse or have dinner but I am not comfortable there.

I have thought about it alot. I wish my friend had not told me. It just added another vision into my head that I am unable to reverse, even years later it haunts me.

I would have preferred not knowing. I already knew there was an OW...anything else didn't matter.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2019, 11:21:09 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2019, 02:25:42 PM »
Everyone is different. Ii there had been an ow in my case, i would prefer to be told "I saw your husband kissing this other person. You might want to ask him the circumstances". It wouldn't ruin any place for me, and as Mortesbride said, given me the opporty it to make an informed choice.  Having conflicting emotions over comforting someone who withheld information from you makes complete sense if you are a person who likes to make decisions based on the knowledge of all facts avaiable.

And we get to be angry at whomever we choose. No one gets to tell us how we are supposed to feel. It's within his scope to say that it was all his fault and that he would like it if you weren't mad at so and so, but he doesn't get to tell you what you should do. That is for you to decide.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2019, 02:28:28 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #21 on: July 25, 2019, 05:04:30 PM »
Maybe the difference is that in mine and Xyzcf's case is that we already knew there was OW? Telling was, as we were told, what we already knew, made no difference.

I wonder exactly what measures could you ladies take. I told Mr J in his face I knew there was someone else. It made no difference, and, as far as I am concerned, it did not help prepare for the reality of a spouse who lives to be with OW. There is a big difference between the existence of someone else and a spouse leaving to be with that person.

On the other hand, when I was a teen, my uncle told me he had OW. I did not told my aunt. I did not knew if she already knew, in which case I would be bringing up something she knew and may not want to speak about. If she did not knew, since all I was told by my uncle is that there was OW, I did not knew if my aunt and uncle were, or were not, going to work things out. I could see no positive in I, a teenager, breaking the news to my aunt.

Many years later I found out my aunt had knew for years. My uncle's OW has existed since we were children, but as children we had no clue about it.

What I may do with friends I know are cheating is say something to the friend, not their spouse or partner. I never saw any good in telling a spouse/partner.


I am not hauted by the anonymous phone calls (there were two, one after the one telling who OW1 was) nor by had seen, by chance, Mr J with OW1 once. When we both still lived in the capital and OW1 was around we would always tell each other in which part of town/venues we were going to be to avoid unecessary pain, but that once. For some reason, that weekend, we forgot to text each other.

That night, Mr J told me two people had told him they had seen me with someone (of course they had, I was going out to concerts and dancing with a number of friends, but that was it). I asked him if those people knew what happened, he said one knew, the other didn't. My reply was, the one who knows is an idiot, the one who does not knows likes to ruin marriages. That is my view of people who tell a partner/spouse, they are into drama and ruin marriages. Because, 99.9% of the time someone did that, the relationship/marriaged end right away.

Of course this is my life experience and my way of seeing things.

Yes, we get to be mad/angry at whomever we like. But, in a view, a point comes when we need to realize being mad/angry only hurts us more. Anger can be a great driving foward force. Other than that, it tends to cause damage. To ourselves, as well as to others.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #22 on: July 25, 2019, 06:08:50 PM »
Quote
But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.
.

I continue to feel betrayed by "everyone" in the family that knew...and I did not. None of them stepped up and said anything to me. It is a permanent severe of those that cowardly chose to "mind their own business". Safeguarding my daughters should have been part of their business. It will never be repaired to a entact family again...ever.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2019, 04:33:15 AM »
I guessed there was an OW at BD when H talked about a business friend who he really liked but I didn't know who. 

However it was later confirmed who it was by someone who knew all 3 of us and they phoned me full of apology and angst to let me know who it was and what they had seen.

I thanked them for letting me know - they felt they couldn't keep quiet but by then I had been BDd and everything had changed anyway.  All it did was confirm my suspicions as to who it was.   
Sadly these friends were in a performing arts group that all 3 of us had belonged to and OW and H had the effrontery to stay with the group and perform in concerts.  These friends did nothing except to ignore them. Inside I really wanted them to say something or eject them from the group but it really was none of their business and it would have been inappropriate of me to ask.

As I said on another thread - more often than not people who are not directly connected with us who see wrong things happening more often than not will NOT inform the respective spouse because it is "none of their business. It's a form of self protection. 

Had your H asked these female colleague to keep quiet and complicit in his affair then that is poor judgement on her part but that doesn't mean she has to let you know.  If she chose to contact you, would it have stopped what was happening between H and OW?

Perhaps H should have visited this person on his own.  Easy to say in hindsight.

Your tears are part of the necessary cathartic process that we all go through time and time again.  It's not for him to say anything to you about this even though he may be right - you should only be angry with him.

This too shall pass

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2019, 04:34:18 AM »
Quote
But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.
.

I continue to feel betrayed by "everyone" in the family that knew...and I did not. None of them stepped up and said anything to me. It is a permanent severe of those that cowardly chose to "mind their own business". Safeguarding my daughters should have been part of their business. It will never be repaired to a entact family again...ever.

Family knowing and saying nothing though is completely different and creates all kinds of inner conflict that can run very deep indeed.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #25 on: July 26, 2019, 08:39:43 AM »
I still think it is a cop out if I am honest.

Saying people who 'tell only want to cause drama' is just justification for keeping it to yourself.

It isn't being told about the OW that breaks the marriage...its the fact the man is with the OW.

I knew all of Beast's co-workers at his work. I used to bring the kids in after they were born. They used to buy our kids little presents and fawn over them. Always so excited to see them.

Then Beast starts dating a co-worker. None of them say a thing. Women I have known for nearly 9 years. Women who fawned over our children. Who got excited to see them as if they were their own grandchildren. Women who knew I was from overseas and gave up everything to come here. Women who loved our 'love story'.

They were just ''minding their own business''.

It felt like they all betrayed me. Not because they were involved in what he did. But because they 'kept their mouths shut'.

I wondered how many of them knew. How many of them kept silent while I brought my children in. How many smiled and laughed with me while knowing what was happening.

It is cowardly. It is dishonest. Whatever excuse you want to give it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #26 on: July 26, 2019, 10:38:19 AM »
Quote
It is cowardly. It is dishonest. Whatever excuse you want to give it

Yes it is but most people I know would rather not get involved in someone else's marriage because more often than not - they don't get MLC and as far as they are concerned "the marriage must have been on rocky ground anyway " And " If my H or W ever did this to me I would divorce them on the spot " etc......

People only see it from their paradigm and to say it's none of their business is a cop out; it is a feeble excuse but IMHO the fact remains that people will not get involved unless they feel highly motivated to do so.

I have learned to trust no-one implicitly and not to rely on them to do or say the "right thing". Not H, not my close circle of friends who all supported me but told me to move on  and not my wider circle of friends who kept their distance until they realised I was ok. 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #27 on: July 26, 2019, 11:08:33 AM »

I have learned to trust no-one implicitly and not to rely on them to do or say the "right thing".

And that my friend is the moto I live by. Sometimes we have to do the right thing, even when no one else is doing it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2019, 02:59:19 AM »
So she died....the employee of my H who walked in and saw H and the OW getting it on in his office and never told me...she’s gone...brain aneurism while in the hospital fighting leukemia and she was in a coma in hospice.  We went yesterday to see her a few hours before she died.  H reminisced with her sisters about how she was the first person he hired when he opened his office 12 years ago.  I know he has emotions and sadness and I feel for him.  I also can’t deny the triggers and wondering if OW will be at the funeral. They did work together for 9 years.  I can’t say much to H because I am making this “all about me”.  I don’t mean to be that way.  I just have all these memories and I wonder.  It’s all so sad...and I hate the feelings and thoughts I am having!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #29 on: September 08, 2019, 08:09:43 AM »
Sad news...let me take a different spin on all of it for you..
This woman probably made the best call she could at the time based on her situation. She may have made a different one in light of events or regretted the one she did make.

But perhaps your h is right...the real blame and responsibility lie with him.
Which is maybe difficult to work with when you are reconciling. But still true. He was the one who broke his obligations to you as your h...he made choices and they had effects. You may understand more now about why he made them, but he had other choices and made the ones he did.

And if indeed ow is at the funeral? Well you will be there with your h proving without saying a word that despite her efforts, the two of you managed to pull together to rebuild your marriage. And that has happened bc in the end it mattered enough to BOTH of you to do that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Didot49

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #30 on: September 08, 2019, 10:51:06 AM »
I was once in the unfortunate position of being told about an ongoing affair, and having to decide whether to tell my friend. One of my friends (A, who was newly married herself) was having an affair with the husband (H) of another friend of mine (C). I had been friends with C and H for years. A was a new friend, who confided in me about her affair with H. My husband was good friends with H. I told him what was going on, and we agonized over whether to tell C. C and H had small kids, and both were living in the US, but were from Europe.
I decided not to tell C. I reasoned that this was a short lived fling, and it would blow over. I worried that this could break up the marriage, and that C would leave the US with the kids. I told A that the affair had to stop, and I broke off my friendship with her. The affair ended quickly. C as far as I know still doesn't know, C and H are married, both seem to be happy. I am glad I didn't say anything. If the affair had carried on, I think I would have spoken up.
I think sometimes people don't want to break up a marriage, and just hope the affair is temporary. Now that I have been on the otherside of this s*#t show, I think I would want to know.
H52
M50
Married 28 years, together 35.
BD 12/15 ILYBINILWY
Affair discovered 12/17
moved out 12/17
Trying to stand for the marriage.
H mentioned Divorce twice, no action yet.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #31 on: September 11, 2019, 12:09:55 PM »
Thank  you for all the input in this situation.  Appreciate the comments before she passed and after...
I guess I just need to realize that people in general will do what works best for themselves in any given situation.
This woman had a job, it was her boss who was cheating, he owns the company and signs the paycheck.  The OW was the office manager and could have made her life day in and day out miserable if she wanted, so she had to just keep quiet.  And who knows sometimes people think it is ok, or expected for a 40 something year old guy with a bunch of kids to cheat...  I don't know.
I just know I have to move past all this.
I need to GAL....
Really I never did that.  I got a job....
I didn't get a life.
I need to concentrate on making ME happy.
Last night we did a dialogue question in our Retrouvaille notebooks.  This has been a valuable outlet for me to explain my feelings to my H and for me to understand his feelings about things.  It is 10 minutes of writing and then 10 minutes of sharing what we wrote, totally just describing feelings to your spouse that relate to the question at hand.  We take turns picking questions from a list of random questions.  Last night H chose a question about music and how we feel when we hear music from when we were first dating.  As I read how he looked at me then, and as I thought myself about how trusting, positive and happy I was then, and how that happy trusting positive person is gone I realized, I need to try to find a piece of her again.  I miss the old me!  I was awesome!
So I need to GAL....I need to find that old me.  I need to be happier.  Be positive.  stop living in the past.
I almost WANT to see OW at some point. I almost WANT to walk past her, hand in hand with H and know that she was the mistake.  I am the prize! 
I don't know if I will ever get that chance, and probably I don't want to see her again. 
But I have to keep my head up, I need to get my confidence and happiness back!
I have my marriage, I have my children, I have amazing family and friends who are still here with us....
That is all I need!
I need to remind myself of this, as I just saw on Saturday when H's employee passed away at 35, life is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow!
Thank you all for being here....letting me get all my feelings out. 
Understanding...
Giving me things to think about, giving me positive messages.
It really means more than you will ever know!
 :)
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #32 on: September 12, 2019, 03:55:16 PM »
Goodness Jo,

35 is so young isn’t it. Good on you visiting her. 

You sound awesome so the old you is definitely in there still!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #33 on: Today at 08:32:39 AM »
H and I talked about the celebration of life coming up for his employee.  I told him really it would be nice to know if OW was attending.  He had the well who cares attitude but after hearing me out he agreed, it would be nice to be prepared if she has RSVPed that she would be there.  The husband of his employee texted him to get of an idea of how many people from her "work family" who would be attending and H texted him back asking "I know this is uncomfortable but I have to ask , will OW (fill in blank with OW first name) be attending?"  The husband came back with "OW who?"  He didn't know who she was.  H replied "OW worked at my office two years ago but no longer is here."  The husband said "Well I have no idea who she is, so no she won't be invited" 
Made me feel good knowing OW is not even known and I can go without having to think about having  to run into her there!

H and I had therapy this weekend.  We really had some real conversation and I feel like we are communicating better than ever.  I think our downfall was we never fought, we never had conflict at all, I would cry, he would say forget it, and nothing was resolved....
I feel like we are getting to a much better, happier more mature relationship...
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Cherry Blossom

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #34 on: Today at 09:57:08 AM »
Attaching to your thread Jo Jo - it gives me hope to read your story of reconciliation - it's so positive to read about your therapy sessions and what comes out of those.  It seems so obvious that all these discussions about how each person in the R feels and what they want out of life but so often these deep conversations don't occur or get swept to one side and then for too long.
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

 

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