Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3  (Read 678 times)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:32:44 AM »
link to my previous thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8589.0

Things are going well with my H.  Friends of ours asked us to go as a family on spring break and H said yes....he is closing his office, paid the $3k for the rental property and we leave on Saturday for Florida.  A week away from it all!  Honestly aside from his family's big beach vacation we go on every June....H has NEVER taken off extended time EVER in all the 22 years of our marriage to go on a vacation.  Early on it was money related, but honestly as time went on I don't think it was a priority to spend time with me or with his family.  It is so nice to have that now....it's been a long time coming!  I think about it all and I think back to how he was raised.  What his parents priorities were.  His dad really never did or still doesn't spend much time with his mom.  Sure they have been married for 52 years but really they are more irritable roommates more than husband and wife.  Crazy how much your childhood influences what you do as an adult.

But I am looking forward to this trip.  Sitting on the beach, no alarm clocks, we have a pool at the house we are renting, I picked up two of my future book club books to get reading....I am packing lots of yummy snacks and plan on making bloody marys to start the day off right!  LOL  Wish us safe travel and some nice sunny days!!!!  It's so nice to feel happy and looking forward to time together!

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2019, 01:43:37 PM »
Lovely J, hope you have a great time. You’re right about modelling, we don’t learn how to be married, except from watching our parents, no wonder things can go awry 😕
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2019, 02:27:31 PM »
I hope you have a lovely holiday.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2019, 03:47:23 PM »
Jo--I am so happy for you both. Have a wonderful time with H. A new tradition it seems. And a very good one. I shall pray for sunny skies throughout the duration!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2019, 05:08:27 AM »
JoJoJo must admit I haven't read your story but I'm a sucker for purple.

The wise LBS always tell us to watch for their actions. I didn't always understand what that meant.  Your post made it crystal clear what ACTIONS on their part looks like. 

Along for the ride and so happy for you.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2019, 11:30:16 AM »
Home from a week away at the beach!  We had a fun time...adults and kids.  Got a bit of sun.  Played cards, walked up to a beach front bar for drinks and fried cheese bites!  We rented bikes and rode around the island.  It was relaxing and a nice getaway.  Now back to reality.....I am a teacher so we are at the end of our school year....the countdown begins.  We are also starting the end of the year testing so really real school work is done.....wrapping things up. 

H is planning his 50th birthday "guys' trip" to Nashville and Louisville....music, craft beer and then heading on distillery tours on the bourbon trail.  It bothers me that he picks a trip like that.....make me feel like given the choice, he'd rather be with the guys and not with me.  I mean my 50th is in October.  He could have planned a nice trip for the two of us....but instead it's like this recapture your youth hanging with the guys.  I don't know.  I brought it up after a few drinks on vacation.  He thinks we need to discuss this in our next therapy session.  It's just I see so many changes in him, he has come back from the selfish jerk place he was living during MLC but....then this trip is planned and it just reminds me.  I see glimpses of that ugly attitude.  I don't know.  It bothers me. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2019, 11:44:06 AM »
Totally normal to be triggered by what may be construed as a replay activity. I get it. But I think it is very positive that H wants to discuss it in therapy.  I for one, always took girls trips. I stink girls/guys trips are actually quite healthy. However,  in this scenario I can see how you would feel left out again. But maybe there is an opportunity to also celebrate his 50th as a couple in addition to this guys trip.

Anyway, what I see as important here is that you communicate how this makes you feel and why. I am sure there is still some amount of self-centeredness in his not-quite-fully-cooked MLCer brain and likely has no idea that this could possibly impact you at all.

Remember, it takes time to re-build what has  been completely destroyed. Time, patience and baby steps.

Hugs friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2019, 02:32:47 PM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline strawberry

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2019, 04:03:10 PM »
How do you feel about waiting to talk with your counselor about it?  It’s totally normal to feel the way you do and you should be able to bring it up.  Back when I was being gaslit though, “let’s talk about that with our therapist” was code for, you are overreacting and I will have our MC tell you so.  Turns out, I was rarely over reacting but he got her to tell me so every single time.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2019, 06:17:39 PM »
Quote
he has come back from the selfish jerk place he was living during MLC but....then this trip is planned and it just reminds me.  I see glimpses of that ugly attitude.  I don't know.  It bothers me. 
.

I think it is important to accept that "reminders" and triggers will be with us ...forever. I believe that 100%. Whenever we remember our life or look back at our history , this will forever be part of our memories . We cannot just take a pair of scissors and cut out this particular time frame. And it changed us . It was gutwretching painfull. So given all of that...how could you NOT feel "uncomfortable" about what appears to be "maybe" the actions of a "selfish jerk".  I believe it is a good idea to talk about it in therapy, we frequently take issues to our therapist. What I do see in you that is remarkable is "responding" and not so much reactivity and I am standing an applauding. It seems wise and calm on your part. I STILL can be extremely reactive ...STILL! .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2019, 07:27:57 AM »
KIT...you are right, time is the key!

And honestly his self-centeredness is nothing new.  It went sky high during his MLC and the affair but it was always part of him.  I think it is how he was raised, to make himself happy....his parents never stressed that you do for others....and an example of this in 1998, we had our first baby, literally two weeks before Thanksgiving, his parents come to town and we are going to his aunt's country club for Thanksgiving dinner.  Aunt invites H and his brother and his sister to come play tennis at the club before dinner.  We have a brand new baby and this is actually my FIRST real outing with a newborn and I am breastfeeding.  I know I am going to have to breastfeed in public and I am nervous....instead of telling his family no, he goes!  He says his mom will come "help me out with the baby".  Well his mom is a lovely woman but she is flaky, she brings my sister-in-law who was 6 months pregnant and my 3 year old niece.  I adore these people BUT I am a new mom, who is still bleeding into those big huge post pregnancy pads, with sore not used to breastfeeding boobs, and now I have a tiny apartment full of guests (we lived in a 710 square foot one bedroom apartment) and I have to pack up the baby, get myself together, etc....  I was a emotional mess but trying to keep my sh*t together when I see him at dinner....and he is 100% clueless! 
I do see that now he works at trying to think of me, to put me and the kids first, but it really doesn't seem to come naturally to him.  Actually now that I think of it, it is sad for him.....I like that generous giving side of myself and it feels better to be helpful to someone else than to be selfish....

Strawberry- I think H genuinely wants us to have productive discussions in a controlled environment.  When I was being gaslit he would just turn everything around on me.  I was the one who had problems, it was MY PERSONALITY....he didn't want to talk at ALL in therapy.  It was a mess!  And he is right, we don't need to discuss our troubles when we are drinking and when I am at a crazy emotional high.

Barbie-  I appreciate you pointing out my positives.  I don't often feel positive about myself.  I do see that reactive stuff coming out when I am drinking.  I need to stop after a two drinks....that would make things better for me.

So yesterday here at work a co-worker confided in me that she had a conversation with her sister-in-law who is trying to cope with an affair and staying in her marriage.  She was saying how she feels like her sister-in-law is obsessing about things and how she doesn't know how to help her.  She was asking about the couples therapist we see but they live too far away.  It just really pulled at my heart strings.  I know my co-worker is awesome, but I also know she just doesn't "get it" so she isn't equipped to help her sister-in-law.  I referred this forum as a place to send her sister-in-law to find people who understand her feelings.  I just HATE that any of us need to be here,  this brings out anger in me.  I really felt tears welling up in my eyes for a complete stranger.  Ok I can feel myself gritting my teeth and my leg starts to bounce as a reaction even as I type this.  I will NEVER understand what these MLC do to the people they love, what they do to themselves.  My co-worker was describing her brother-in-law (the cheater) and had a disgusted look on her face and that is HIS legacy.  She said it was so out of character for this man she knew for years....they have no idea...  dumba$$es! 
Ugh!  Thanks for reading this far....

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2019, 12:06:37 PM »
Therapy was very productive yesterday.  H is so open to admitting his weaknesses and not playing the blame game anymore....it isn't all about my personality and what I do or don't do.

He seems invested in US....and how we communicate.  He has been sharing his feelings, talking about his past and where he thinks his issues come from....this is the man who very bluntly told me years ago exactly what he would and wouldn't discuss with me. 

I feel like I am in a new relationship with the man I have been married to for 22 years....
I wish we could have had our relationship mature without the pain and heartache we went through but....maybe that is just the path we were meant to take?
Just happy the way things are going.....



Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2019, 01:38:43 PM »
It all seems very positive steps jo! The only thing I can reallt say is I do really believe that everything happens for a reason and unfortunately the journey isn’t always pretty but the destination is worth it.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2019, 04:26:39 PM »
I am so glad you are finding the good from this situation.

Sometimes growth can only come from pain.

Little consolation in the early days perhaps, but...maybe easier to understand at your stage? :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2019, 07:30:55 AM »
sachat and mortes.....I think the only way to stay sane and to not feel punished by God or the universe or whatever you believe in is to look for the good that comes from bad situations.  Without bad times, can you really appreciate the good things in life?  Well of course after going through H*LL I choose to say NOPE....those bad times help me feel happy about the good things! 

So positive step in H communicating and taking me and my feelings in consideration today....
I was leaving for work and he said he has the last night of this study club series he has been going to for professional growth and development.  He wanted me to know that the class asked that you bring one member of your staff tonight, specifically someone who deals with patient scheduling or patient money collections.  He asked his new front desk/office manager to attend.  He made the point that they will drive their own vehicles, no sharing a ride to the location, he will leave and come straight home after the meeting, no going out for dinner or drinks after to discuss what they just learned in the study group.  He said he wanted to assure me that he is keeping his relationship 100% professional. 

It meant a lot to me that he is thinking to safeguard our relationship.  In years past when I felt he was too loosey goosey with his office manager who eventually became the OW he would laugh it off....he felt he was in control and I was just trying to be bossy. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2019, 08:18:19 AM »
I 100% agree. You’ve got to find the silver linings of the clouds. Heck some days I’m so happy for the friends I have now, which I wouldn’t have had had BD not happened and I’m almost *almost* thankful for MLC.

It’s great your H is making these progresses but even better that he’s doing it without being asked!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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