Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3  (Read 1623 times)

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2019, 07:27:57 AM »
KIT...you are right, time is the key!

And honestly his self-centeredness is nothing new.  It went sky high during his MLC and the affair but it was always part of him.  I think it is how he was raised, to make himself happy....his parents never stressed that you do for others....and an example of this in 1998, we had our first baby, literally two weeks before Thanksgiving, his parents come to town and we are going to his aunt's country club for Thanksgiving dinner.  Aunt invites H and his brother and his sister to come play tennis at the club before dinner.  We have a brand new baby and this is actually my FIRST real outing with a newborn and I am breastfeeding.  I know I am going to have to breastfeed in public and I am nervous....instead of telling his family no, he goes!  He says his mom will come "help me out with the baby".  Well his mom is a lovely woman but she is flaky, she brings my sister-in-law who was 6 months pregnant and my 3 year old niece.  I adore these people BUT I am a new mom, who is still bleeding into those big huge post pregnancy pads, with sore not used to breastfeeding boobs, and now I have a tiny apartment full of guests (we lived in a 710 square foot one bedroom apartment) and I have to pack up the baby, get myself together, etc....  I was a emotional mess but trying to keep my sh*t together when I see him at dinner....and he is 100% clueless! 
I do see that now he works at trying to think of me, to put me and the kids first, but it really doesn't seem to come naturally to him.  Actually now that I think of it, it is sad for him.....I like that generous giving side of myself and it feels better to be helpful to someone else than to be selfish....

Strawberry- I think H genuinely wants us to have productive discussions in a controlled environment.  When I was being gaslit he would just turn everything around on me.  I was the one who had problems, it was MY PERSONALITY....he didn't want to talk at ALL in therapy.  It was a mess!  And he is right, we don't need to discuss our troubles when we are drinking and when I am at a crazy emotional high.

Barbie-  I appreciate you pointing out my positives.  I don't often feel positive about myself.  I do see that reactive stuff coming out when I am drinking.  I need to stop after a two drinks....that would make things better for me.

So yesterday here at work a co-worker confided in me that she had a conversation with her sister-in-law who is trying to cope with an affair and staying in her marriage.  She was saying how she feels like her sister-in-law is obsessing about things and how she doesn't know how to help her.  She was asking about the couples therapist we see but they live too far away.  It just really pulled at my heart strings.  I know my co-worker is awesome, but I also know she just doesn't "get it" so she isn't equipped to help her sister-in-law.  I referred this forum as a place to send her sister-in-law to find people who understand her feelings.  I just HATE that any of us need to be here,  this brings out anger in me.  I really felt tears welling up in my eyes for a complete stranger.  Ok I can feel myself gritting my teeth and my leg starts to bounce as a reaction even as I type this.  I will NEVER understand what these MLC do to the people they love, what they do to themselves.  My co-worker was describing her brother-in-law (the cheater) and had a disgusted look on her face and that is HIS legacy.  She said it was so out of character for this man she knew for years....they have no idea...  dumba$$es! 
Ugh!  Thanks for reading this far....

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2019, 12:06:37 PM »
Therapy was very productive yesterday.  H is so open to admitting his weaknesses and not playing the blame game anymore....it isn't all about my personality and what I do or don't do.

He seems invested in US....and how we communicate.  He has been sharing his feelings, talking about his past and where he thinks his issues come from....this is the man who very bluntly told me years ago exactly what he would and wouldn't discuss with me. 

I feel like I am in a new relationship with the man I have been married to for 22 years....
I wish we could have had our relationship mature without the pain and heartache we went through but....maybe that is just the path we were meant to take?
Just happy the way things are going.....



Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2019, 01:38:43 PM »
It all seems very positive steps jo! The only thing I can reallt say is I do really believe that everything happens for a reason and unfortunately the journey isn’t always pretty but the destination is worth it.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2019, 04:26:39 PM »
I am so glad you are finding the good from this situation.

Sometimes growth can only come from pain.

Little consolation in the early days perhaps, but...maybe easier to understand at your stage? :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2019, 07:30:55 AM »
sachat and mortes.....I think the only way to stay sane and to not feel punished by God or the universe or whatever you believe in is to look for the good that comes from bad situations.  Without bad times, can you really appreciate the good things in life?  Well of course after going through H*LL I choose to say NOPE....those bad times help me feel happy about the good things! 

So positive step in H communicating and taking me and my feelings in consideration today....
I was leaving for work and he said he has the last night of this study club series he has been going to for professional growth and development.  He wanted me to know that the class asked that you bring one member of your staff tonight, specifically someone who deals with patient scheduling or patient money collections.  He asked his new front desk/office manager to attend.  He made the point that they will drive their own vehicles, no sharing a ride to the location, he will leave and come straight home after the meeting, no going out for dinner or drinks after to discuss what they just learned in the study group.  He said he wanted to assure me that he is keeping his relationship 100% professional. 

It meant a lot to me that he is thinking to safeguard our relationship.  In years past when I felt he was too loosey goosey with his office manager who eventually became the OW he would laugh it off....he felt he was in control and I was just trying to be bossy. 

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline sachat3

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2019, 08:18:19 AM »
I 100% agree. You’ve got to find the silver linings of the clouds. Heck some days I’m so happy for the friends I have now, which I wouldn’t have had had BD not happened and I’m almost *almost* thankful for MLC.

It’s great your H is making these progresses but even better that he’s doing it without being asked!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #16 on: July 23, 2019, 06:31:16 AM »
Update...
So we did our Retrouvaille weekend in June and now we are halfway through our follow up sessions.  Have done 3 of the 6 follow ups.  H is fully committed and getting up on Saturday mornings at 7:30 to drive 35 minutes with no complaints or even hesitation.  So much emotional connection in Retrouvaille, sharing your feelings and trying to understand your spouse’s feelings they share.  It’s been good...hard work but overall good.  Wish we had been mature enough to do this years ago!  But glad we are doing it now!  It does stir up unsettling feelings though.  Last week was about forgiveness and after we went to the hospital to visit an employee of H who is battling cancer.  This employee was the person who when it all came out was the one and only person to SEE H and the other woman together....she walked in on an intimate situation at the office.  He told me after it happened he asked her “What are you going to do?” and she said “Nothing, it’s none of my business.”  Knowing what she saw and said, knowing if she had blew it all up I could have been spared years of emotional pain and then sitting there in the hospital being a comfort to her during her toughest time spun my emotions into a mess!  Sunday I cried and cried and cried....just couldn’t get a grip!  H almost gets angry with me saying I shouldn’t be angry with anyone but him.  It’s all so complicated and he won’t ever understand.  I appreciate he wants to protect innocent people that got dragged into the crazy situation he is responsible for but...it sucks all around and I resent being told what I should feel by the number one person who put me in this horrific situation!

Anyway that’s an update and if you are reconnecting with your spouse and you both want to make your marriage better and a priority I suggest Retrouvaille.  It is Catholic based but very little religious references...it’s about communication and making your marriage stronger.  No one is turned away due to cost... and while it is HARD work emotionally...so worth it!

Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #17 on: July 23, 2019, 02:21:21 PM »
Thank you for the update, Jojo.

Happy to know that despite not being easy things keep improving.

H almost gets angry with me saying I shouldn’t be angry with anyone but him. 

He is kind of right, isn't he? It is all on him.

As for the employee, I would do/say what she did/said. It is none of my business. Why do you think if she told you it would spare you years of emotional pain? I received an anonymous phone call telling me about Mr J and OW1. It didn't made a difference. And I had been certain that there was someone else for a couple of months.

In my view, the blow would be the same and there would be equally nothing we could do because there isn't a thing we can do about MLC. Now, what I think would had been different, at least in terms or truth and loyalty, was for Mr J to tell me, rather than lie.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #18 on: July 25, 2019, 09:56:59 AM »
I disagree.

While it isn't her fault he was doing what he was doing...she kept important information from you. Without that information you were no longer able to make an informed choice.

Would her telling you have changed anything? Maybe.

But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.

Your relationship 'wasn't her business' but that is a coward conflict avoidant move if I ever saw one. It isn't fair to keep your mouth shut when someone is being kept in the dark about something so important.

For all she knew you could have contracted a disease or anything because she kept her mouth shut.

You have every right to be mad at her for what SHE did. And that was keeping you in the dark.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online xyzcf

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2019, 11:19:40 AM »
I was told by a friend, that she saw my husband in a gift shop with another woman..of a certain nationality which is the same as the nationality of his OW. It was in a town close by, a place that is lovely and quaint, a place I stay away from..years later, the street he was on with her, the image of them looking at stuff in the gift shop together still invades my mind. Such a shame, it is a delightful town. I would like to go there to browse or have dinner but I am not comfortable there.

I have thought about it alot. I wish my friend had not told me. It just added another vision into my head that I am unable to reverse, even years later it haunts me.

I would have preferred not knowing. I already knew there was an OW...anything else didn't matter.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2019, 11:21:09 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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