Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3  (Read 1624 times)

Offline OffRoad

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2019, 02:25:42 PM »
Everyone is different. Ii there had been an ow in my case, i would prefer to be told "I saw your husband kissing this other person. You might want to ask him the circumstances". It wouldn't ruin any place for me, and as Mortesbride said, given me the opporty it to make an informed choice.  Having conflicting emotions over comforting someone who withheld information from you makes complete sense if you are a person who likes to make decisions based on the knowledge of all facts avaiable.

And we get to be angry at whomever we choose. No one gets to tell us how we are supposed to feel. It's within his scope to say that it was all his fault and that he would like it if you weren't mad at so and so, but he doesn't get to tell you what you should do. That is for you to decide.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2019, 02:28:28 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #21 on: July 25, 2019, 05:04:30 PM »
Maybe the difference is that in mine and Xyzcf's case is that we already knew there was OW? Telling was, as we were told, what we already knew, made no difference.

I wonder exactly what measures could you ladies take. I told Mr J in his face I knew there was someone else. It made no difference, and, as far as I am concerned, it did not help prepare for the reality of a spouse who lives to be with OW. There is a big difference between the existence of someone else and a spouse leaving to be with that person.

On the other hand, when I was a teen, my uncle told me he had OW. I did not told my aunt. I did not knew if she already knew, in which case I would be bringing up something she knew and may not want to speak about. If she did not knew, since all I was told by my uncle is that there was OW, I did not knew if my aunt and uncle were, or were not, going to work things out. I could see no positive in I, a teenager, breaking the news to my aunt.

Many years later I found out my aunt had knew for years. My uncle's OW has existed since we were children, but as children we had no clue about it.

What I may do with friends I know are cheating is say something to the friend, not their spouse or partner. I never saw any good in telling a spouse/partner.


I am not hauted by the anonymous phone calls (there were two, one after the one telling who OW1 was) nor by had seen, by chance, Mr J with OW1 once. When we both still lived in the capital and OW1 was around we would always tell each other in which part of town/venues we were going to be to avoid unecessary pain, but that once. For some reason, that weekend, we forgot to text each other.

That night, Mr J told me two people had told him they had seen me with someone (of course they had, I was going out to concerts and dancing with a number of friends, but that was it). I asked him if those people knew what happened, he said one knew, the other didn't. My reply was, the one who knows is an idiot, the one who does not knows likes to ruin marriages. That is my view of people who tell a partner/spouse, they are into drama and ruin marriages. Because, 99.9% of the time someone did that, the relationship/marriaged end right away.

Of course this is my life experience and my way of seeing things.

Yes, we get to be mad/angry at whomever we like. But, in a view, a point comes when we need to realize being mad/angry only hurts us more. Anger can be a great driving foward force. Other than that, it tends to cause damage. To ourselves, as well as to others.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #22 on: July 25, 2019, 06:08:50 PM »
Quote
But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.
.

I continue to feel betrayed by "everyone" in the family that knew...and I did not. None of them stepped up and said anything to me. It is a permanent severe of those that cowardly chose to "mind their own business". Safeguarding my daughters should have been part of their business. It will never be repaired to a entact family again...ever.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2019, 04:33:15 AM »
I guessed there was an OW at BD when H talked about a business friend who he really liked but I didn't know who. 

However it was later confirmed who it was by someone who knew all 3 of us and they phoned me full of apology and angst to let me know who it was and what they had seen.

I thanked them for letting me know - they felt they couldn't keep quiet but by then I had been BDd and everything had changed anyway.  All it did was confirm my suspicions as to who it was.   
Sadly these friends were in a performing arts group that all 3 of us had belonged to and OW and H had the effrontery to stay with the group and perform in concerts.  These friends did nothing except to ignore them. Inside I really wanted them to say something or eject them from the group but it really was none of their business and it would have been inappropriate of me to ask.

As I said on another thread - more often than not people who are not directly connected with us who see wrong things happening more often than not will NOT inform the respective spouse because it is "none of their business. It's a form of self protection. 

Had your H asked these female colleague to keep quiet and complicit in his affair then that is poor judgement on her part but that doesn't mean she has to let you know.  If she chose to contact you, would it have stopped what was happening between H and OW?

Perhaps H should have visited this person on his own.  Easy to say in hindsight.

Your tears are part of the necessary cathartic process that we all go through time and time again.  It's not for him to say anything to you about this even though he may be right - you should only be angry with him.

This too shall pass

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2019, 04:34:18 AM »
Quote
But that isn't the important part is it? The important part is feeling betrayed by everyone. He knew. OW knew. The co-worker knew. You start to question who else looked you in the face, smiled...and knew.
.

I continue to feel betrayed by "everyone" in the family that knew...and I did not. None of them stepped up and said anything to me. It is a permanent severe of those that cowardly chose to "mind their own business". Safeguarding my daughters should have been part of their business. It will never be repaired to a entact family again...ever.

Family knowing and saying nothing though is completely different and creates all kinds of inner conflict that can run very deep indeed.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #25 on: July 26, 2019, 08:39:43 AM »
I still think it is a cop out if I am honest.

Saying people who 'tell only want to cause drama' is just justification for keeping it to yourself.

It isn't being told about the OW that breaks the marriage...its the fact the man is with the OW.

I knew all of Beast's co-workers at his work. I used to bring the kids in after they were born. They used to buy our kids little presents and fawn over them. Always so excited to see them.

Then Beast starts dating a co-worker. None of them say a thing. Women I have known for nearly 9 years. Women who fawned over our children. Who got excited to see them as if they were their own grandchildren. Women who knew I was from overseas and gave up everything to come here. Women who loved our 'love story'.

They were just ''minding their own business''.

It felt like they all betrayed me. Not because they were involved in what he did. But because they 'kept their mouths shut'.

I wondered how many of them knew. How many of them kept silent while I brought my children in. How many smiled and laughed with me while knowing what was happening.

It is cowardly. It is dishonest. Whatever excuse you want to give it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #26 on: July 26, 2019, 10:38:19 AM »
Quote
It is cowardly. It is dishonest. Whatever excuse you want to give it

Yes it is but most people I know would rather not get involved in someone else's marriage because more often than not - they don't get MLC and as far as they are concerned "the marriage must have been on rocky ground anyway " And " If my H or W ever did this to me I would divorce them on the spot " etc......

People only see it from their paradigm and to say it's none of their business is a cop out; it is a feeble excuse but IMHO the fact remains that people will not get involved unless they feel highly motivated to do so.

I have learned to trust no-one implicitly and not to rely on them to do or say the "right thing". Not H, not my close circle of friends who all supported me but told me to move on  and not my wider circle of friends who kept their distance until they realised I was ok. 
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #27 on: July 26, 2019, 11:08:33 AM »

I have learned to trust no-one implicitly and not to rely on them to do or say the "right thing".

And that my friend is the moto I live by. Sometimes we have to do the right thing, even when no one else is doing it.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline JoJoJoTopic starter

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #28 on: September 08, 2019, 02:59:19 AM »
So she died....the employee of my H who walked in and saw H and the OW getting it on in his office and never told me...she’s gone...brain aneurism while in the hospital fighting leukemia and she was in a coma in hospice.  We went yesterday to see her a few hours before she died.  H reminisced with her sisters about how she was the first person he hired when he opened his office 12 years ago.  I know he has emotions and sadness and I feel for him.  I also can’t deny the triggers and wondering if OW will be at the funeral. They did work together for 9 years.  I can’t say much to H because I am making this “all about me”.  I don’t mean to be that way.  I just have all these memories and I wonder.  It’s all so sad...and I hate the feelings and thoughts I am having!
Me 49
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S20, D18, S16, S14
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

Online Treasur

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
« Reply #29 on: September 08, 2019, 08:09:43 AM »
Sad news...let me take a different spin on all of it for you..
This woman probably made the best call she could at the time based on her situation. She may have made a different one in light of events or regretted the one she did make.

But perhaps your h is right...the real blame and responsibility lie with him.
Which is maybe difficult to work with when you are reconciling. But still true. He was the one who broke his obligations to you as your h...he made choices and they had effects. You may understand more now about why he made them, but he had other choices and made the ones he did.

And if indeed ow is at the funeral? Well you will be there with your h proving without saying a word that despite her efforts, the two of you managed to pull together to rebuild your marriage. And that has happened bc in the end it mattered enough to BOTH of you to do that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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