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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3

D
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My Story Reconnecting Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#30: September 08, 2019, 10:51:06 AM
I was once in the unfortunate position of being told about an ongoing affair, and having to decide whether to tell my friend. One of my friends (A, who was newly married herself) was having an affair with the husband (H) of another friend of mine (C). I had been friends with C and H for years. A was a new friend, who confided in me about her affair with H. My husband was good friends with H. I told him what was going on, and we agonized over whether to tell C. C and H had small kids, and both were living in the US, but were from Europe.
I decided not to tell C. I reasoned that this was a short lived fling, and it would blow over. I worried that this could break up the marriage, and that C would leave the US with the kids. I told A that the affair had to stop, and I broke off my friendship with her. The affair ended quickly. C as far as I know still doesn't know, C and H are married, both seem to be happy. I am glad I didn't say anything. If the affair had carried on, I think I would have spoken up.
I think sometimes people don't want to break up a marriage, and just hope the affair is temporary. Now that I have been on the otherside of this s*#t show, I think I would want to know.
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H52
M50
Married 28 years, together 35.
BD 12/15 ILYBINILWY
Affair discovered 12/17
moved out 12/17
Trying to stand for the marriage.
H mentioned Divorce twice, no action yet.

J
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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#31: September 11, 2019, 12:09:55 PM
Thank  you for all the input in this situation.  Appreciate the comments before she passed and after...
I guess I just need to realize that people in general will do what works best for themselves in any given situation.
This woman had a job, it was her boss who was cheating, he owns the company and signs the paycheck.  The OW was the office manager and could have made her life day in and day out miserable if she wanted, so she had to just keep quiet.  And who knows sometimes people think it is ok, or expected for a 40 something year old guy with a bunch of kids to cheat...  I don't know.
I just know I have to move past all this.
I need to GAL....
Really I never did that.  I got a job....
I didn't get a life.
I need to concentrate on making ME happy.
Last night we did a dialogue question in our Retrouvaille notebooks.  This has been a valuable outlet for me to explain my feelings to my H and for me to understand his feelings about things.  It is 10 minutes of writing and then 10 minutes of sharing what we wrote, totally just describing feelings to your spouse that relate to the question at hand.  We take turns picking questions from a list of random questions.  Last night H chose a question about music and how we feel when we hear music from when we were first dating.  As I read how he looked at me then, and as I thought myself about how trusting, positive and happy I was then, and how that happy trusting positive person is gone I realized, I need to try to find a piece of her again.  I miss the old me!  I was awesome!
So I need to GAL....I need to find that old me.  I need to be happier.  Be positive.  stop living in the past.
I almost WANT to see OW at some point. I almost WANT to walk past her, hand in hand with H and know that she was the mistake.  I am the prize! 
I don't know if I will ever get that chance, and probably I don't want to see her again. 
But I have to keep my head up, I need to get my confidence and happiness back!
I have my marriage, I have my children, I have amazing family and friends who are still here with us....
That is all I need!
I need to remind myself of this, as I just saw on Saturday when H's employee passed away at 35, life is short and we are not guaranteed tomorrow!
Thank you all for being here....letting me get all my feelings out. 
Understanding...
Giving me things to think about, giving me positive messages.
It really means more than you will ever know!
 :)
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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#32: September 12, 2019, 03:55:16 PM
Goodness Jo,

35 is so young isn’t it. Good on you visiting her. 

You sound awesome so the old you is definitely in there still!

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

J
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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#33: September 16, 2019, 08:32:39 AM
H and I talked about the celebration of life coming up for his employee.  I told him really it would be nice to know if OW was attending.  He had the well who cares attitude but after hearing me out he agreed, it would be nice to be prepared if she has RSVPed that she would be there.  The husband of his employee texted him to get of an idea of how many people from her "work family" who would be attending and H texted him back asking "I know this is uncomfortable but I have to ask , will OW (fill in blank with OW first name) be attending?"  The husband came back with "OW who?"  He didn't know who she was.  H replied "OW worked at my office two years ago but no longer is here."  The husband said "Well I have no idea who she is, so no she won't be invited" 
Made me feel good knowing OW is not even known and I can go without having to think about having  to run into her there!

H and I had therapy this weekend.  We really had some real conversation and I feel like we are communicating better than ever.  I think our downfall was we never fought, we never had conflict at all, I would cry, he would say forget it, and nothing was resolved....
I feel like we are getting to a much better, happier more mature relationship...
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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#34: September 16, 2019, 09:57:08 AM
Attaching to your thread Jo Jo - it gives me hope to read your story of reconciliation - it's so positive to read about your therapy sessions and what comes out of those.  It seems so obvious that all these discussions about how each person in the R feels and what they want out of life but so often these deep conversations don't occur or get swept to one side and then for too long.
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

J
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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#35: October 03, 2019, 12:40:54 PM
Made it through the "celebration of life" last weekend.  It really was a sad event, seeing as the employee of H's who died was only 34 years old!  There was another old employee (not OW) who was planning to attend and I was feeling a bit anxious about seeing her...love her and she was very supportive of me and my family and of H NOT cheating, I found out she knew during the affair and repeatedly told H he was messing up his life and he needed to stop all of it.....but she didn't come.  All that worry and NOTHING!  It would have been nice to see her but a trigger.  It would have messed with me emotionally.  So that was kind of a relief.  I bet H felt the same.  I know he feels very sorry that he wasn't true to his character and he just let go and became the ugliest and most selfish version of himself.  I was thinking of that whole "Scarlet Letter" story....this stupid affair is a horrible mark on us...all of us.  My kids feel it, I feel it, H feels it, our extended family feel it to some lesser degree....and the only one who has walked off Scott Free is the OW.  But she was damaged goods to begin with. 

Well not much more to say....just trying to keep looking forward MORE than I am looking back! 



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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#36: October 03, 2019, 04:40:14 PM
Glad to know you've made it through the "celebration of life" weekend.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

J
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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#37: November 03, 2019, 09:19:13 AM
October was a busy month.
I turned 50!  Can’t even believe it! H was 50 in May.  Now we are both “old”!  LOL
But I really didn’t want to celebrate.  I still have issues thinking about the past 6 or 7 years and how I was so naive and stupid and really I don’t want to celebrate.  But everyone around me disagreed and made my birthday week so nice!  Weekend before I took Friday off of work, H rented a cabin an hour north of us in the mountains.  We drove up Thursday after work. We had fun...hung out in the hot tub, went into the little mountain town nearby and had lunch and beers overlooking the river.  It rained but we still had a good time.  H arranged for us to have dinner with old friends we’ve known 23 years.  Nothing like friends who “knew you when”!  Great night!  Then Saturday our 4 kids came up to spend the night...then as a surprise my two nieces, nephews, my great niece and nephew And two sisters in laws and their spouses showed up for dinner and brought me a cake!  We played cards and games and had fun!  Sunday morning it was just our family so we went out to eat at this delicious local place and drove home.  I wasn’t ready for real life just yet so H and I hit a local brewery on our way home!  Tuesday neighborhood friends threw me a “mom’s night out” party!  Wednesday night a couple we love insisted on a dinner out!  Then Thursday (Halloween) is my actual birthday so at work the teachers on my team made an awesome taco bar for lunch!  Friday night my sisters in law and 23 yr old niece took me to dinner and Cirque Du Soleil.  And last night Saturday my dearest friend and her husband took us to dinner and then ELTON JOHN CONCERT!  Amazing!  I am on such a high feeling loved in so many areas of my life.  H has been so caring and has told me often how much he loves and appreciates who I am as a person and thanks me for his second chance to do things right.  My self esteem has teetered in the low “I feel like a loser” range for awhile but really reflecting and feeling the low in so many areas of my life this past week I feel rejuvenated.  Maybe a piece of that old fun loving happy Jojo is poking through! 
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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

S
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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#38: November 03, 2019, 05:18:55 PM
Happy belated birthday JoJo!
Sounds like things have turned around amazingly, and it's so nice to hear of your self-esteem returning.
The celebrations of your birthday sound amazing, and there are so many out there who love you...
Enjoy the beginning of your 6th decade of life!
50 is still young BTW  ;D
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#39: November 03, 2019, 06:01:09 PM
Hi jo jo
Happy birthday! Sounds like a great way to celebrate. I’ve read your thread and you should be so proud of yourself. You are a strong woman. You have nothing to feel bad about. You showed your husband trust, loyalty and love. You should be celebrating the wonderful person you are! Best for the next decade and a healthy self esteem!
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

 

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