Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3

Z
  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 20
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#40: November 03, 2019, 09:49:20 PM
Happy Birthday!!!! You are wonderful and should be celebrated!!!!

Thank you for sharing your journey!!!
  • Logged

C
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1007
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#41: November 04, 2019, 02:36:17 AM
You really have made the most of it, and deservedly so, happy birthday, wishing you every happiness x
  • Logged
Me 46
H 50
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

J
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#42: November 26, 2019, 05:34:09 AM
Just when I think everything is going great...H fails to maintain boundaries with his office staff and it’s me who has to call his attention to it and be the bad guy enforcing the boundaries. 

So he is super busy doing a renovation on a new office space that we purchased this summer.  His business is moving to the new location in hopefully January or February.  Very exciting but he is spread very thin right now.  Thursday I was making dinner and it was 6:20pm and I hadn’t heard from him all day.  I called his cell and he answered, he was in his car WITH his front desk office manager!  Ummm totally awkward explaining took place with them, they had me on speaker.  She drove to work and her boyfriend came for lunch...she left car keys in his car....boyfriend is still at work so H was dropping her home. 

Innocent enough BUT the fact that he is opening up our relationship to someone feeling this familiar and comfortable that he’s their go to for a ride...not healthy boundaries!  His defense is he would never cheat again it was a horrible time in his life, he learned his lesson about selfish behavior and he’d never do that again. 

Another part of it that pissed me off is I had to call to find out.  Would he have told me if I hadn’t called?  He says yes he would have.  He claims it was just one of those things, she realized her keys weren’t there as they were closing up the office, it’s “kind of” on the way home.  I don’t  know....I have no sympathy for the situation...Uber home.  Call a friend.  Call your boyfriend.  She knows the history....and he is your boss, not some buddy from work.  So it doesn’t end there.

 I express my feelings and he apologized etc....  a few hours later we are getting ready for bed and he looks at his phone....she texted asking if he could pick her up for work bc her car is still at the office, or should she take an Uber?  And he is asking me???  Answer seems pretty clear.  Uber!  He tells her to grab an Uber but I am not over this. Major trigger to the past.  I am super anxious, feeling that panic attack feeling all day the next day.  We have a discussion and while he understands....he doesn’t really get it. He maintains that his MLC and affair was the absolute worst thing ever, he would never allow someone into his personal life like that again.  I just hate that this is part of my life now...the anxiety is real, all those ugly feelings come back! 

I am so glad we are working through all this but wow reconciliation is hard!   

(edited for ease of reading)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 26, 2019, 07:46:10 AM by Songanddance »
Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

N

Nas

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2516
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#43: November 26, 2019, 06:03:01 AM
Im so sorry and I would be majorly triggered too.
I hate to say it, but SHE sounds like she lacks boundaries. Why would she call him again for a ride when she could have just called an Uber without even involving him? She knew when he dropped her off that she would need a ride to work in the morning and she has a boyfriend so why couldn’t she have him drive her in? She seems way too comfortable with her boss. I’m not saying there’s anything nefarious going on but he definitely should be aware that his employee is way too familiar and crossing boundaries and he needs to shut that down completely 100%.

Thanks for your update. Reconnecting and reconciliation sure is not for the weak!!
  • Logged

  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 260
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#44: November 26, 2019, 06:43:53 AM
Hi jojojo

Your feelings are totally valid. It’s great that you can communicate your anxiety to your husband. He has got to understand that your relationship has changed and he has to reassure you - constantly. Perhaps in a few years that trust will be rebuilt but for now he has to be transparent and understanding.

This girl is being too familiar. I would never text my boss asking for a lift to be picked up in the morning.

Are you still doing counselling together and on your own? Are you glad you took him back?
  • Logged
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

b
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2556
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#45: November 26, 2019, 07:35:31 AM
Jojojo...That would indeed be a massive trigger..like in epic proportions. Are men really this dense ? No...really?  Honestly I do think my husband keeps his affair in a little "compartment " in his brain, totally separate from the rest of life. I have had things happen that were extremely triggering and it never even entered his tiny little brain. That is a fair junk of re-occurring injustice is it not ? I have never witnessed him being "trigerred". The second thing that jumps out at me is cell phones. He has one I am sure. He could have called and said " I will be a little late because Sally-Sue lost her keys and I could run her home...are you ok with that ?". That may have avoided the entire episode. I have frequently talked to my husband about "forthought"....what did you THINK would happen? . Seems he is totally VOID of forthought ...doesn't "think" that way . But he is starting to. I am sorry that happened...and I do believe we all have some degree of PTSD.

BUT...my husband has repeatedly said the same thing ...NEVER would he repeat the mistakes he made ...EVER. He tells me that if he saw signs of his "thinking" going to bad places , he would be speaking up really fast. He would recognize the "signs" of depression etc etc. I do believe him ( fingers crossed) ...and very likely your husband feels the same.

I am particularly impressed at your ability to "nip that sh&t in the bud". No zipping it ...make him accountable for a crappy choice and his lack of forthought . You are reacting exactly as I would.... UGH!
  • Logged
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

S
  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6164
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#46: November 26, 2019, 07:50:26 AM
This is so much my situation at the moment.

H is doing exactly the same as your H but on a regular basis with his new assistant/office manager.  His is more return to basic replay without all the shenanigans and adultery and lies and admittedly I have not had an apology or promise to reconcile but I recognise everything you say and feel with you your frustration and anger and utter despair that this could continue for the rest of your reconciled life.

Like Barbie I am mighty impressed with your ability to confront it.  Unlike you and Barbie who have received never to do it again promises- I haven't and so cannot really call my H out on it.

So all power to you JoJo - heading in a good direction despite the triggers.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 and still going with no sign of reconciliation.

A
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3428
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#47: November 26, 2019, 07:59:18 AM
Quote
Are men really this dense ? No...really?   

Some can be...  We are not short of female examples, either.

Having said that, Jo, it was not a Nobel prize worthy move on his part to drive her (too personal), and he did not inform you of it, which was disrespectful to you.  I’m glad you talk about it with him.  He really has to learn to put you above everyone else’s wants and needs.   ‘I’m never going to have A’ has nothing to do with what happened.  it’s a form of gaslighting and inferring that you are in the wrong to bring it up because  his motives were squeaky clean.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: November 26, 2019, 08:01:06 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 618
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#48: November 26, 2019, 01:27:33 PM
Jo,

I am far behind you in reconnection but I could have written what you just did.  My H seems to have an unresolved problem of being too personal with his employees.  He has no clue how his current actions, as innocent as he seems to say they are, continue to affect me. He is far from putting two and two together.  It is difficult because in many other areas he is moving forward and I see good changes.  He has always walked a fine line in his relationships with women employees and then he had an affair with one.  He wants to go back to this being ok, but it is far from ok with me anymore and he is having difficulty understanding this. 

Quote
‘I’m never going to have A’ has nothing to do with what happened.  it’s a form of gaslighting and inferring that you are in the wrong to bring it up because  his motives were squeaky clean.

Gaslighting 101-I'm seeing it clearly now. 

  • Logged
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

D
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 211
  • Gender: Female
Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#49: November 27, 2019, 01:04:18 PM
Hi Jojojo,

I'm reading up on your story... while I'm not confident enough to say my h and I are reconciling, we are starting to reconnect.  It's helpful to read about people that are further ahead in this whole thing than we are so thanks for sharing your story! 

For what it's worth, I would feel the same way if my h had taken home an employee and not mentioned it first.  I do believe it probably didn't even register on his radar as being inappropriate, but that doesn't make it okay especially now.  Before this all happened, I probably wouldn't have batted an eye at h taking someone home from work.  Now?  I would definitely be triggered even if it was the most innocent of situations.  I guess that's just the collateral damage of all we've been through. 
  • Logged
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.