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Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3

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My Story Reconnecting Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#80: September 13, 2020, 04:39:25 PM
JoJoJo

Thank you for your update. I am always so grateful when members come back to post their stories of reconciliation. Happy anniversary! Wishing you and your husband a strong and healthy marriage in the years to come.

Also, good luck with your students. It is a really hard time for teachers and all school personnel. Stay safe.

Please continue to drop by now and then with your updates. They are really appreciated! Especially hearing how your husband has taken what he did to heart.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#81: January 10, 2021, 04:39:43 PM
Goodbye and good riddance to 2020.

Unfortunately we had a horrible loss over Thanksgiving.  My dad who was dealing with some chronic heart problems passed away the day after Thanksgiving.  Luckily my mom, brother, sister and I were able to be there with him, in his home, as he passed away.  Such a loss, my dad was an amazing man, married 55 yrs to my mom, loved his family and always took care of us.  So goal oriented, showed us the right way to do things and to take care of your car, your home, your finances, your health...  It was great to be able to give back and care for him at the end of his life.  I work at a fabulous school with an incredibly caring principal who let me take two weeks off between my father’s death and his burial to stay with my mom. (They live 900 miles away from where I live)  H and the kids had to manage the household without me for 3 weeks!  Our neighborhood stepped in and provided quite a few meals while I was gone.  Blessed with so many loving friends to make this loss easier to bear!  H really stepped up at home.  He adored my dad as well...felt more of a connection with my dad than he does with his own father.  My dad spoke to me about the affair before he died....said he loves my H and the only thing he ever said to H was that H is lucky to have the most wonderful wife and my dad said he thinks H knows what a terrible mistake he made.  It was nice to talk about it and know my dad “approved” of me choosing to reconcile.  It’s strange to think of all the layers of emotions you experience even once you are reconciling, it’s all you can think of as your marriage is falling apart but then you get there and you are happy.  But on the other hand you are scared to trust again!  Then once you trust your partner you deal with hoping your friends and family can see you are making a good choice and you hope they will approve.  My parents love H and they trusted that I was making the right decision.  My dad was great...just was supportive and didn’t judge.  I miss him so much!  I just try to focus on how lucky I was to have him as my dad for 51 years!  Not everyone can say they were raised by such a loving, smart, stand up, caring man! 
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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#82: January 10, 2021, 09:05:56 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss, JoJoJo, but your perspective on it all is wonderful to hear. Truly, you were lucky to have such a great man as your father, and he was lucky to have such a strong woman as his daughter. Prayers going up for your family.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#83: January 11, 2021, 12:34:46 AM
I'm deeply sorry for your loss, JoJo.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#84: January 11, 2021, 03:42:04 AM
Jojo, so sorry to hear you lost your amazing dad. I have no doubt that the values he taught you are what makes you such a great woman and gave you the ability to go through BD and come out the other side. How thoughtful of your dad to let you know he approved of your reconciliation, taking away any fears you may have had about what your family may be thinking about you taking your H back.

It's good to hear that your H was able to step up and take care of the house and kids so that you could go off and dedicate yourself to your mother. That says a lot.

I hope you and your H continue to get closer. Best wishes for 2021.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D26, D23, S16
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#85: January 11, 2021, 04:10:54 AM
So sorry for your loss Jojo. Such beautiful words and insight, wise woman you are x
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Me 47
H 50
3 adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#86: January 30, 2021, 12:31:47 AM
Thank you for the kind words and condolences on the loss of my father.

I had to come post something that happened today that really was a nice surprise.  H bought a new car today.  First thing that surprised me was he ran the purchase by me first.  The old selfish MLC H just came home in a $70K car, no discussion on should we make this $$$ purchase .  He just went out and bought it and showed up at home.  Meanwhile I was driving an old scratched up minivan.   This time he bought me a new car I liked 2 years ago, and he was driving an old car.  He drove that old car for those years. When he started thinking about getting a new car he actually asked me opinion, do you think it’s time to spend the $$$ and get a better car, more comfortable, etc...?  He asked me what I thought in advance!  Then he shared a link to the car he liked and test drove after work Wednesday, talked it over with me before deciding he would buy it.  Then today he was going after work (half day on Friday) to get the car.  He had to go 25 minutes away to a dealership.  When he called me he told me he had the new car and he had left his old car at his office.  Of course I assumed he probably had one of “his girls” (as he used to call his staff at work) drop him at the car dealer. It was always way too familiar and not very professional between him and his staff.  So I asked, how did you get there?  OMG he took an Uber!  I was so surprised and I told him how much I appreciated that.  We have spoken in therapy about boundaries to protect our marriage and this just showed me that he is thinking about things and making us a priority.  This whole new car experience made me feel a part of things and valued. 
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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#87: January 30, 2021, 11:03:33 AM
Catching up Jojo

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.  Very glad that your boss was so supportive, and your neighborhood too!

Loved to read the most recent update!  I hope you continue to share with us and be a part of the community here.   :)
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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

The apology we all deserve:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xM1de3FTXnc&list=LLDsy6HKpJgqISTE592C2HHQ&index=7&t=0s

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11716.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#88: February 01, 2021, 01:43:53 AM
Dear Jo3,

Somehow I missed the Jan 11th update and just now caught up....

First, let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your father. He sounds like a truly extraordinary man and that he was a real blessing in your life as are your boss and friends... .

Second though (and closer to the present), your H seems to be working towards a real reconciliation and that is wonderful. Yeah, there are those trusting issues still hanging out there but the ACTIONS (taking an Uber) shows, at least to me, that he is seriously looking at his actions in order to ensure that he is showing you that he has faced the music in his life and truly wants to be a couple again....

THAT in itself, is wonderful news....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Who ever thought I would be here? Part 3
#89: February 03, 2021, 12:52:15 PM
More positives here.  Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of when I found out about the affair.  It was devastating and knocked me off my feet!  When we decided to work through this and stay together the year anniversary was coming and I was dreading it.  H thought let’s do something special every year on February 2nd as a way of making a horrible date into the new beginning of our relationship.  That year we took the kids to dinner and an escape room.  Subsequent years we have planned little things....this year I almost forgot and H is the one who reminded me.  Wanting to plan something BUT there is a pandemic, it was a Tuesday night, kids have school, we had work AND I had already pre-made dinner when fixing dinner the night before!  So anyway I get home from work and he had beat me home....he picked me up a bouquet of flowers on his way home.  Later he told me that he wanted to say thank you for keeping him around and giving him another chance.  We talked about how different he was 4 years ago and how I couldn’t have stayed with THAT person.  He said any changes he made are not forced or just to keep me and the family....he’s now being his true self so it’s easy to be a good person.  He regrets straying so far from who he is at his core.  It was a small gesture to get me those flowers but it really was so thoughtful and warmed my heart!
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« Last Edit: February 03, 2021, 12:53:53 PM by JoJoJo »
Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

 

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