Author Topic: My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely  (Read 2071 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« on: March 29, 2019, 09:47:37 AM »
My last thread with a strange ow pop up moment  ::) https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10731.0;all

I have had a game of two halves today; a productive morning and a bit of a bleh afternoon. Tbh I think the text bothered me a bit more than I hoped it would, not emotionally but in a mindworm kind of way. NC has given me peace from unpleasant surprises and I didn't much like it. Natural I suppose that when we feel attacked in some way, no matter how wise we try to be in rising above it, a bit of us wants to react in some way directly or indirectly. I haven't and I won't, but it leaves a tiny residue so I felt a bit down this afternoon and couldn't really focus well on other things. I hate that too.

But while I was being unproductive and a bit mentally dishevelled, the lovely men outside were finishing the last bit of the patio which looks lovely...and now I can plant my yellow roses. And I am here and alive and it is going to be sunny tomorrow. And I have come a long way in the last few months. I honestly feel that I no longer have PTSD, just a few echoes, a couple of ghosts and some stuff to do.

Hence my new thread title.

EMDR has done it's job but I still have a lot to do now my brain has been rewired  :)
Which has got me thinking about avoidance, my favourite trauma go to strategy lol.
I think there is avoidance based on fear, or more accurately Fear...when your soul is screaming kind of fear and you can't find your way out.
And I think there is avoidance based on resistance, on things you don't do bc you don't want to, bc if you do them you can't ignore a new reality. I have some of that too.  :D
That is the bit that gets in the way of building a new life....bc a big bit of me doesn't like it and wants my old life back. Or bits of it anyway.
So I sidle towards tasks and then sidle away. I get very cross with myself that I make a plan of action and don't do it. That I can't get excited about the possibilities of a new kind of life bc I still resent having the old life blown up.

But sidling won't do it.
And as the saying goes, what I resists, persists....so I have to keep trying and failing and trying again until I feel differently. Bc this experience ate three years of my life and I really don't want to give it much more.
I susoect I may need to hunt for the equivalent of yellow roses in my to do list  :)
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 10:07:47 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2019, 10:23:46 AM »
Attaching, Treasur. Wouldn't miss it.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2019, 10:39:34 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur.

It is normal the text bothered you. What is important is that you did not reacted or replied to it.

A finished pation and yellow roses to be planted. Wonderful.  :)

I susoect I may need to hunt for the equivalent of yellow roses in my to do list  :)

Sounds like a great idea.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2019, 10:44:28 AM »

It is normal the text bothered you. What is important is that you did not reacted or replied to it.


And I shall give myself a small gold star for that, Anjae. Quite right. Nor did I compose replies or conversations in my head as I would have done months ago.
I just didn't like the niggle much but will take it as a sign that NC is great for me  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2019, 10:50:06 AM »
No one would like such text. NC means peace of mind and keeps us away from crazy.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2019, 11:59:51 AM »
Yay.  I’m coming along at the start lol.


Strawberry snapps recipe, I tend to just through it all in so don’t really measure but here is what I do.

1. Get one of those large square bottles of water from supermarket and when empty
2. Pour in a whole bottle of 1 litre bottle of vodka
3. Half fill the empty vodka bottle with water and pour into bug plastic bottle.
4. Add third of a bag of sugar ( caster or granulated)
4. Add 500g strawberry ( bag and half of sandwich bag filled with frozen strawberry, if you have frozen from last yr like I do)
5. Give a shake till sugar almost dissolved or pref dissolved.
6. Store in a chilled or dark place and shake for couple mins each day for a week
7. Leave for 4-6 wks.
8. Siphon off and bottle.
8. Make vodka jam with the spent strawberry ( bit of dark pink or red food colouring brings back the colour.
9. Drink in its own or a long glass with lemonade a sprig of apple mint and a frozen strawb on a summers eve.

Mixed berry or raspberry nice also ( beware of blackcurrent, need a lot more fruit)

Let me know if anyone tries and what they think. Happy summer soon xx

P.s I don’t know how I cannot get spelling right on a keyboard on a rather larger phone! Wtf! I am always having to modify!  Or a larger than normal glass of processco as I felt the need to de-stress with a glass in quiet in my bedroom on my own whilst kids busy in sons room. Xx
« Last Edit: March 29, 2019, 12:06:46 PM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2019, 02:36:53 PM »
Oh Rising I am definitely in with the Strawberry Snapps!! Yum.

Treasur. I didn't comment on your last thread about the texts. Mostly shaking my head, and in complete agreement with the cray-cray assessment. But mostly in complete awe as to how you responded. Not only in choosing to go silent with OW (which I find to be the loudest of the loudest of screams for such people), but also how you personally viewed it and understood where it came from. Amazing. Truly.

Strawberry Snapps and Yellow Roses all around. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2019, 02:55:22 PM »
I am with KIT.  Just in awe of your restraint with that nasty woman.  I am guilty on your behalf of composing at least two replies in my head on your behalf.

That is some amazing growth on your part.   

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline sachat3

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2019, 03:21:46 PM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Resistance is futile but Roses are Lovely
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2019, 11:57:20 PM »
Thank you for admiring my restraint lol. Actually it was difficult bc I was angry about it. At the lack of respect from both of them. So I didn't much want to let them feel they had 'won' and 'scared me off'. But...and it is a big important but....my pride and anger would have made me fight back for something I don't want actually. NC works fine for me. Nothing to lose.

What I also realised this morning was another important difference. When I was traumatised, I felt like a victim, and my emotions were more 'how can he be so cruel or indifferent?'. Now it was anger at being talked to like that, resentment at this silly woman invading my life for no good reason, a sense of how ridiculous it was and a raised eyebrow at what it said about the control in their relationship and what a pathetic specimen he was. I feel a bit ashamed of how weakened i was by trauma, illness and grief but it is nice to have both my pride and logic back. Feels like the core me again.

There are lots of bits of MLC theory that make sense to me. I have no doubt that my then h had some kind of breakdown or crisis and that, whatever it was, it wasn't a reflection of me or even our marriage mostly. Or indeed many of the theories about the role and behaviour of ow. Or the insanity of so much that happens or doesn't. The bit I have never been sure about in my case is the belief that their love and good memories are hidden behind the MLC behaviour where some core self that is more recognisable remains. Or that when they come out of crisis, this part is reawoken in some way and that most will reach out for some kind of closure if not reconnection.

Now I am only talking about me, no one else, and not as a template for what anyone else should think, feel or do. Just me.

There are lots of things on this LBS journey that I have been able to accept or let go.
The level of contempt shown to me by someone who I believe used to love me has always been a struggle for me. And it does feel personal tbh. Not in the sense that I deserve it, of course not, but in the sense that it was brutal and designed to hurt me and to trash my past as well as my present. The very clear message from my xh's behaviour after the first 9 months or so was 'you are worthless, our life together was worthless and I owe you not even a shred of basic respect as a human being'.

That is a hard reality pill to swallow...but it is real.
Initially I wanted, maybe needed, to believe it wasn't how he really felt deep down.
But actually, rationally, based on what I could see, it most likely was/is.
Now I can't comprehend treating anyone like that, let alone after sharing my life with them for 20 years, but that is about the kind of person I am and my outlook on the world. And of course it says rather more about him than it does about me.

The tough truth is that the most simple explanation for why people do x or y is that it reflects how they feel and what they want and don't want. It may not be what they DID feel, but it is what they feel NOW.

1t's story has always been based on her unshakeable belief that her h loves her, and to be fair there have been times when he has said so even when his actions have not looked like that. I didn't feel that in my situation. I felt that my h wanted me to not exist, to never have existed, to be erased....and that he would do anything at all almost to make that so. That he hated our past and despised me and saw me as a terrible thing in his life. That he genuinely simply did not care if I lived or died as long as I vanished.
Now of course that wasn't what it felt like for 20 years or what all of us saw, not at all, but it was consistently how it felt from June 16...well, apart from the odd email thinky and things like watchgate but those always felt like they were more about him feeling a bit sorry for himself and wondering if he had messed up his own life, they weren't about me at all.

Part of rebuilding for me is about swallowing that down tbh.
Yes it is possible that ow monitors his phone etc...yes, the text says something not very healthy about both of them...but the simplest explanation is that my xh didn't want to deal with it and she jumped in to the rescue. Which also means he chose to give someone who threatened my life and stole something belonging to me a means of contacting me directly and the permission to be a bouncer and spokesperson for him. He had plenty of other choices. It is pathetic of course....but it is also part of the same 'will you just F off and disappear' message isn't it?

My xh simply wants me to disappear. To F off and die or act as if I was dead. No regrets, remorse or good memories, just contempt and dismissal. Same towards his old friends and my family. If he felt otherwise, he would have behaved differently.


It is a rational likely truth that I have resisted for a very long time bc it was too damn painful and too incomprehensible for me to accept. So I resisted it.
It feels like a horrible stain on my life that I somehow ended up married to a person who was even capable of behaving in that way. But I did and he is and it feels like the last bit of denial to pretend otherwise.

I remember about a year post BD when I was talking to a new friend and venting a bit - something had happened, can't remember what -  and they said 'what a lowlife ba$tard!'. And I jumped in with an MLC defence...today, I would just nod. Yes, my h turned into a ba$tard, a real pos human being, a weak angry man without honour. Hard to respect that and tbh I wouldn't respect myself if I wanted a man like that. It wasn't the man I thought I had, and I may not know why, but my xh IS a lowlife ba$tard now. It isn't a comfortable thing to accept bc I wanted to resist it being the truth or to lessen it by seeing it as somehow not real or temporary. But that does not change the fact that for the last 3 years he has been just that, a man who lies, cheats, steals and treated everyone who cared about him like disposable bits of rubbish. A man who can't be trusted or relied upon. A man with no balls.

I see fine men here all the time, men with grit and commitment and integrity. Men with balls worth respecting. And that is a lovely reminder that men like that exist.

And me? Yup, I have been pretty pathetic at times. Full of self pity, deep fear, seeing myself as a helpless victim and lacking backbone. Full of mind monkeys and stuck in limbo for way too long bc I cared more about my h than myself. But I have also been honest, courageous, rational, compassionate, fair and decent. I would give myself a B- at least! Well, maybe a C+...,

While I plant roses today, I will do my best to swallow it down but also keep reminding myself that it is not the behaviour of a healthy person with a healthy soul, not what I deserved or created, and that unhealthy souls tend to create unhealthy lives. And whatever I rebuild from here, my life is better without lowlife ba$tards of any flavour in it.....didn't have them before this, won't have them now. I didn't deserve to end up with a h who despised me and hoped I would die. It is shocking and incomprehensible to a normal person. But that is what I got.

The truth does set you free even if it takes a while to reach the point where you can speak it. I found this link from Sada very helpful as a person of faith https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/trauma-is-not-a-life-sentence

And I feel a bit of pride tbh that I survived it all without actually believing that I was worthless, or dying under the weight of being devalued,  and to see the possibility of yellow roses and good people.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 12:55:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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